Hey folks,
the title is my question. A definition of healed would be where CPTSD symptoms no longer effect daily living or are non-existent.
As it stands I have daily flashbacks to my childhood from random activities. Rarely does a hour go by where I don't have to think back to how horrible it all was.
I don't want to trigger anyone so I'm not going to share much of what I experienced.
This is exactly where I am too. I’m glad you’ve found some sort of peace, those flashbacks take the soul out of you little by little. I just try to find little moments of joy for myself, watching birds, going for a walk, painting… Ive decided to go no contact with my mother, now at 10+ years of hard work but eventual healing after she hijacked my nervous system as a child.
Well…my cptsd symptoms don’t affect my daily living, but they are definitely not nonexistent.
I love your: ‘I just try to find little moments of joy for myself’.
Thanks! I'm glad you're there too. You're right about finding little moments of joy. I'm getting back into playing music again regularly and it's doing wonders for me.
Yeah, flashbacks suck. One thing that helped me was reframing the way I looked at them. I started to realise that they held a chance to play detective by finding the link between the present triggering event which caused the flashback and the unprocessed memories in the past which were the source of the trauma . I could then work on processing the memories.
I stopped seeing flashbacks as something to dread, and more as a chance to further my healing. They still hurt, but I know I can use them to my advantage.
No contact can definitely be helpful. I know my healing didn't really get going until I stopped talking to my dad.
How did you get there? How long did it take?
I think recovery is one of those 'how long is a piece of string' type of things. It's going to be different for all of us. All of our trauma and lives are different. The methods that work will likely be different for everyone, as will the timeline.
I might not be the best person to ask, because I've never had therapy, so I'm just making it up as I go along. With that said here is what I've tried in no particular order:
Journaling. I also wrote a letter to my abuser and then burnt it. Reading as many books on Trauma as i could get my hands on. Self EMDR ( I wouldn't recommend this to others because it can be risky. but I had no other way to access it.) Some really rudimentary IFS Iearned from No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz to make peace with my inner critic. Yoga(especially yin). Regular exercise (find something you enjoy and do it consistently. It was running, calisthenics and kettlebells for me, but it can be anything.
I was trying for a few years, but things started to speed up when I started learning to manage my flashbacks using Pete Walkers 13 steps and then finding what I was flashing back to and processing the memories.
Being able to spot the pattern of intergenerational trauma in my family also helped. It allowed me to stop self blaming. It was like that when I got here!
A key turning point came when I was in a huge slump for most of 2022 and 2023. I felt stuck, or like I was going backwards. I eventually realised that my burning desire to be healed NOW was actually holding me back. I got unstuck by working to accept where I was in the present and continuing to work on healing, but without any expectations of success. Once I let go of that desire to be healed, my healing speed up dramatically. It's sounds like nonsense, but It really seemed to work for me.
There is a concept in Chinese Daoist philosophy called wu wei. There are a few translations, but the one I first saw called it 'effortless action'. Alan Watts Called it 'the art of getting out of your own way'. I think this is similar to what I tapped into. I've also seen it called being progress oriented instead of goal oriented. I celebrated every little victory and how far I had come instead of wishing I was already healed. I think this mindset shift was a key part of my recovery.
As for how long it took, I'd say I've been working at healing for about 6 or 7 years with varying levels of effort and consistency. It most likely would have been quicker with a good therapist. It might be shorter or longer for you. Don't compare yourself to me or anyone else.
I have gone into a bit more detail in other comments in the past, so feel free to dig through my history. I'm going to end this here because it's basically a novel at this point!
Can I ask you what your process of EMDR was and how did your brain and body react to it ?
Sure. Be prepared to laugh at how shockingly amateur it is though! I think calling it a process would be overly generous. I wouldn't use me as an example to follow.
I used videos by Maple Whispers, Karuna Satori and a channel called MindMotion. I did yoga afterwards to bring me back to baseline and calm my nervous system if I needed it. mostly gentle stuff like yin or restorative yoga. I would journal my reflections on what came during up in the videos or in the hours and days following a session. I doubt it is as effective as doing EMDR with a trained therapist, but it has helped me eliminate some triggers and I'm working on others. It's getting harder to identify targets now, because I haven't been majorly triggered in a while. A lot of stuff doesn't bother me like it did. I started with milder memories and worked up to more distressing ones.
During a session I would feel activated; increased heart rate, respiration etc while focusing on a traumatic memory. This would decrease in intensity as the memory was processed. I would often feel a sensation in my forehead, maybe prefrontal cortex activation? I've had the same feeling during meditation and yoga nidra. If a memory was still distressing I would repeat the video or go back to it another time. Afterwards I would sometimes feel drowsy sometimes energetic. I found the yoga helped balance me out again. I always felt more relaxed at the end of a session than I did when I started.
I doubt it would have gone as well as it did if I was earlier in the healing process. I had written about a lot of my experiences for years before starting my approximation of EMDR, so it probably took some of the sting out of of the trauma. I would definitely credit it with helping me break out of intellectualizing and finally being able to feel my emotions. I was in a place of desperation. My progress had seemed to stall. I don't know how to put it into to words except to say that it felt like I was dying. I had read about the potentisl risks of self administered EMDR, but I doubted I could feel any worse than I already did. I also felt pretty confident that I could stabilise myself if anything did go wrong. I decided to take a chance and it seems to have paid off. Probably due to luck as much as anything else.
I'm reading Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro. If I was starting over now, I would use the exercises about creating a safe place to prepare myself.
It feels kind of embarrassing writing this out because of how wonky and diy it is, but it seems to have really helped me. Like I said before, I probably wouldn't use me as an example to follow. I wish I would have been able to access an EMDR therapist, but I had to make do with what I had available to me.
You must have had quite high self awareness to do this process by yourself honestly. I have loved reading and learning about this. I want to congratulate you on your sense of curiosity and courage to do this by yourself too. And thank you so much for mentioning the resources that have helped you. You are so much further into the journey than I am and I hope I feel as stable as you do some day soon because I am just tired of waiting for that day now. Lots of love and best wishes for your journey ahead! ❤️
Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad you found it useful.
I think I did have some self awareness to start. I think journaling for years beforehand improved my ability to reflect on things. I definitely gained more insight as I progressed, though. I was able to see that a lot of the ways that I saw myself was cognitive distortions due to the abuse.
I hope you feel stable soon. I know how exhausting and disheartening it can be to work so hard and feel like it's not making a significant difference. I found that my biggest breakthroughs seemed to follow the periods when I felt the worst. I had long periods of what felt like stagnation, followed by rapid improvements in a short space of time. I've spoken to others who have experienced the same. It's like the changes are subtly happening outside our perception and then suddenly burst through as everything consolidates. It's hard to describe, but you'll know it when it happens.
Good luck on your healing journey!
I feel so much about what you said here. It's been months of stagnation and just waiting for something to move. It's been causing either excruciating pain or total numbness, lack of purpose and just dead really.
I am also curious about the journals. I write too although there's not much now in the waiting period really. Anyway, so did you re read your entries after periods of time? Like what part of journaling helped you the most you think?
It sounds a lot like what I went through the other year. I think that kind of slump comes at some point in recovery for a lot of people. I hope you have a breakthrough soon. I know it sucks, but try to stay patient.
I found it helpful to not put any pressure on myself in that phase. It wasn't easy, but I shifted my mindset to 'I'll keep going, but if this is as far as I get, at least I've broken the cycle and avoided becoming my dad'. Things started moving again, eventually and improved more than I expected.
It's normal for the amount you write to fluctuate. I've written anywhere from a few key words to 10-15 pages. I once filled most of a notebook in about a week after recieving really bad news.
I reread entries occasionally, but not very often. It can be interesting to see how you've changed over time, though. Do you reread your journals? I think just externalizing things through writing helps me to stop ruminating about them. Journaling has helped me to process a lot, and given me increased insight into myself.
My journals started off being just about trauma and venting, but evolved over time to include my daily life, I've put photographs and ticket stubs in etc, I even went through a bit of an arty phase. It allowed me to express myself privately when I didn't feel safe doing it publicly.
I don't follow a set system or anything. I'm too disorganised for that! I just write.
Something journaling adjacent that helped me a lot was writing a letter to my dad and then burning it. It was probably the single most cathartic thing I've done so far.
What part of journaling have you found most helpful?
I rarely reread my entries too. Reminders of the past.
My journaling looks exactly the same as yours. It's hit a slump recently for the last couple of months because like you said it's very scary for me too to put down the negative anxious thoughts. Especially about upcoming stuff that i don't feel ready for at all. I wrote quite a bit yesterday though after quite some time..
I have been contemplating writing a letter to my dad as well. But i don't know if I want to burn it or actually send it.
Are you in a stable job rn ? If yes, what kind of work are you in ? It's my biggest concern rn. I haven't worked in 4 years, been so paralysed from all the childhood trauma catching up and burnt out and exploited from my last work experience. It's scary to me and with all the symptoms of cPTSD and feeling tired and low energy all the time, dysregulated every now and then, it's difficult to imagine what work environment I would sustain in. I wish I got more time with myself but i have to start earning now.
You're a champ for powering through and getting to this point. It must have taken so much dedication and effort from you. So much respect for all your hard work, and may life get brighter and happier for you every day.
Thanks for your kind words. I may or not be blushing! I wish the same for you too.
❤️
Love this for you, Kintsugi
Thanks!
can you share what you did? And how long it took you to get to where you are now?
Sure. See my reply above to broken_door2000
I imagine someone with healed CPTSD would still get flashbacks, but they would just know how to carry on with their day and stay calm when flashbacks pop up. I have flashbacks very often, but I can't get them to go away. Instead, I'm working on staying calm when I get them. I'm working on not letting the flashbacks ruin my day... I'm not healed yet, but I think that might be the key to healing- to manage how you react to triggers and flashbacks
I relate to this. I feel I’m still in “I’m working on it” which I think is a lifelong state.
I disagree. I find that once I discover a suppressed feeling, and then process it properly, it actually allows me to grow and heal completely.
I think maybe my comment wasn’t clear because I AM processing those things, what I meant is I am always in a state of working on being present during these times and that is the actual battle for me is not numbing or dissociating from the moment.
From experts in the field apparently ‘fully healed’ doesn’t happen but the time between flashbacks and c-ptsd negatively impacting your life gets further and further apart. And the bad times are generally more manageable. Some have said they are 95% healed
I think there are stages to the healing journey, but I think it is life-long work, especially when your parents were your abusers or the enablers of your abusers, because that's a "gift that keeps on giving". You'll never overcome the loss of parental love and protection. BUT. It can get substantially better. I used to not sleep for years, be in a whole circus of chronic pain, self harming on the daily, substance abuse, surrounded by the most toxic and depraved people, feeling like I'd lost my mind, day in, day out, 15-20 years ago.
Now, I'm mostly just sad; every once in a while, maybe once or twice a year I experience a flashback or a nightmare related to my trauma. I sleep well most of the time, do no longer self-harm, the few people in my life are really decent people. My nervous system regulation abilities went from non-existent to say 80% successful. I can speak about my trauma or be confronted with old triggers and their effect is mild. For example: before, I would watch a movie and (C)SA would come up, I would dissociate on the spot, unable to look away, only to be overwhelmed by a tsunami of flashbacks, and that state would last for days.
Now I watch a movie where it comes up, and I often can sense it's going in that direction before anything graphic happens, and I simply turn off the movie and watch something else. I acknowledge the nausea in my belly, hold my hand on my solar plexus, close my eyes, take a deep breath and stay present with myself. I often shudder or shake it off like a wet dog, and move on. That wouldn't have been impossible a few years ago.
Another example: Someone criticizes me, and I can hold space for the uncomfortable feelings that pop up, and am able to distinguish between where that criticism touches an old wound and where I'm ego-hurt because they're right. When neither of the two apply, I can say "thanks for sharing your opinion, but I disagree." Before, any form of criticism would dislodge a landslide of shame, suicidal ideation and the feeling of absolute and utter worthlessness.
I still struggle a lot, especially compared to health(ier) people, but compared to myself years ago, I'm a glittery winged unicorn soaring over soft clouds bathed in pastel colored sunshine.
that last bit ! damn 😝 thanks for sharing 🙏🏻
In my definition of "healed," the trauma still affects me but is manageable and allows me to be functional on most days. I don't think it will ever completely go away, so yeah, I have to deal with mine as long as I live.
Adjusting expectations can be really helpful. Acknowledging that your trauma is something that's never going away, but that you can do things to make it more manageable and make your life doable. It's a thing that happened. To not have any scars is impossible. There's lots of tools that you can develop through reading some good books, practicing what you learn in the books, and if you have access to it, talk therapy of course. But being gentle with yourself and your expectations is the best way to set yourself up for success. You can't erase the trauma, but with time and work it can become easier to deal with.
Forty something here. I believe we can be healed in the sense that our diagnosis does not interfere with daily living. It took time to build my own happy, but I’m at peace with the life I’ve created for myself now. With time, I was better at practicing mindfulness and live in the present. I was able to channel a lot of anger at my experiences to propel me forward, because they didn’t get to ruin everything.
There’s always going to be reminders. But with time and space, you can learn resilience.
Could you please shed some light on the life you've created for yourself, if it's ok?
I really feel like I’m healing. Seriously, every day. It’s very, very cool. I couldn’t have said this even 6 months ago.
BTW I define healing as growing. Growing in my capacity to feel okay and good about myself despite triggers in my life. Growing in optimism and appreciation of the world around me too.
Until now my worldview was extremely negative and hopeless.
59 here. In the big picture, in the longer term, it comes in waves, sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller, sometimes the distance between peaks and troughs is short, sometimes long, and we handle the waves sometimes better than other times. At times the calm seems as if no more waves will come. At others, it seems the waves will never cease. As long as we are alive on the ocean of life, there will be no end to it. This is the reality of the ocean of life. Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise. Experience and perseverance can keep us afloat, even if we don't believe it. As a wise man put it to me once , many years ago - "Some things will be true, whether you believe them or not, others will never be true, no matter how much you believe, or want to them to be true". Waiting, or hoping to be saved, (and associated misplaced faith/ handed over responsibility) has sunk more friends and acquaintances than I can bear to remember....
Keep rowing, and if you go overboard, swim, you never know when the next wave might throw you back aboard!
I’m in the middle of my trauma healing and deep into overwhelm at the truth of a childhood of neglect and trauma - I hope to feel better soon. My stomach is in knots at the moment. 🙏
Big long-distance hug comings for you.
Thank you 🙏
57 here- and my life is.. Awesome! NOT..
So many things are just too much.. and it seems my symptoms are getting worse as I age.. joy
Getting away from my abusers and building a safe and happy life for myself was really key. Any time I try to have a relationship with my main abuser (my mother) I spiral right back down into the most unhealed version of myself.
I'm healed to the point where I no longer have symptoms. I never thought I'd make it this far. It's a surreal experience, living without fear for the first time, knowing who I am for the first time, accepting and loving myself wholly for the first time 🥰
Do u mind if I ask ur age
I'm 39 now, I was 34 when I started healing.
I consider myself "mostly healed" from CPTSD.
It has taken over 5 years of deep, potent and persistent work...
I still dissociate at times, but I notice it right away and bring myself back.
I still get triggered, but I can step back mentally and emotionally to observe what's happening in my body. I can regulate my nervous system when it gets intense.
What I have experienced in my healing journey is that as I have gone through the layers of trauma it gets easier and as my body/nervous system feels safer I am having repressed memories come up which I recognize I would NOT have been able to hold these memories before.
I am 40 and honestly feel better than at any point in my life. I feel whole and I actually enjoy existing. IT IS POSSIBLE!
“There is no cure, but there is a solution.” Is a common quote in ACA and it resonates with me.
Philosophically, it’s similar to asking if I’ll ever forget. Or even more specifically, “Will my body ever forget?”
I believe the answer is no. And I am also at a place in my recovery where I know that’s ok. It’s not about forgetting, or even forgiveness. To me, it’s about being kind to my body and listening to it. Reassuring it when it’s nervous, comforting it when it’s sick, playing with it when it’s healthy.
Trauma and disassociation made me think of my body as an enemy, or something I needed to control, or mold into shape. Today, it’s none of these things to me. It’s a partner that I’m borrowing for this life and one that is only temporary and always growing and changing. It’s up to me to appreciate what it can teach me for as long as I have it.
At least that’s where I’m at right now.
I think I can say I’m healed.
I feel like a functioning adult now. Things that used to feel so far out of reach, and so hard to achieve, come so easy now.
Im not insecure. I used to only have negative thoughts in my head. And I felt so comforted by it that I thought it was impossible to change. But now bad thoughts roll off of me like water off a ducks back. I tend to be a lot more forgiving of myself.
I think more positively now. I am much more at peace and filled with gratitude. I can accept and move on from bad events in my life and heal a lot quickly whereas before, one small gust would topple me.
Life is boring though. For someone born in the middle of chaotic waves, the silence of still water will at first be unnerving… then boring. But it’s a good boring. A boring where I’m just happy with what I have… I dont have a hole to fill anymore. Im not motived by external commodities. Im just human. I need nothing. Life is already the greatest gift.
It takes consistent effort into healthy coping, and regular upkeep as symptoms lessen. I have had backslides where I thought because I haven't been triggered in a while I was okay and maybe skimped on journaling, meditation, self-care etc. and then something intensely triggering happens and my nervous system is screwed up for days, my thoughts messed up for weeks.
It never really ends, it just gets easier and better as you incorporate healthier thought patterns and habits into your life.
I felt 90% healed after years of therapy and the pandemic and contracting COVID has set me back so far. My brain is fried and I’m exhausted. It makes me so sad knowing how well I was doing and just how far I had come.
From personal experience, I have less frequent and intense flashbacks. I have been working on them for 4 years now. There are days when I feel completely ok and some days are a bit harder. But I have the resource and knowledge to cope up with it. So I guess it does get better. Maybe there will be a point where these symptoms do disappear as there was a time in my past when I could function completely fine. Working towards it 🙌
I truly do feel healed. I can never forget, but it doesn’t ruin my life and I think of it so very much less than I used to. I couldn’t stay sober at the height of my pain. Now my entire life is so much different I NEVER would have believed someone if they said it could get this good.
I went from alcohol addiction, failing out of university, marriage in shambles, suicide attempts and constant ideation, completely out of touch with my faith, believing that crushing depression would be a lifelong ailment and I’d probably die young - to an excellent career as an RN, 2 bachelor’s degrees, a thriving marriage (10 years!), pregnant with our first baby, homeowners, and most importantly so much closer to my faith & YHVH.
The pain I used to feel was SO deep, so raw, literally eating me alive. Now I’ve processed it and while it’s not as though it never existed, I can see it through a very different lens of resilience.
It's like the wound Frodo received on Weathertop. It will close up, but the scar will always be there, and the wound will never fully heal. You adjust, but it will still pain you sometimes.
At least, that's how it's been for me.
One thing that I keep reminding myself is that sadness and discomfort and pain are unavoidable parts of being alive. Entire religions and philosophies have been developed over the centuries to cope with the unavoidable existential pain of existence.
And I'm saying this because this is how I try to contextualize things for myself, I'm not trying to talk down or minimize. One thing that I believe CPTSD specifically endows us with is heightened sensitivity to the world around us which can increase our pain and discomfort in this life.
I've found that the things which specifically have helped me reduce the pain and discomfort of existence have been community building. I'm not going to say that therapy was a terrible waste of time for me because I did get some things out of it... But something that none of the therapists emphasized to me was the importance of having a support system and the importance of having friends in your life who see you are good to you.
The pain doesn't end because it's a feature of existence... But support systems can reduce isolation which is in and of itself extremely painful. My default is to isolate and only recently have I been able to finally break out of that. It's made such a difference for me.
I'm so glad that you're posting in this subreddit I've been using this place as a resource for years and I believe this subreddit was my first step towards a community. I think that's why so many of us are drawn to post here because CPTSD specifically robs us of our first community in our first support system which is our family. I believe that's the root of the pain that I've been experiencing.
thank you for this reflective post! gives me hope, especially you giving concrete examples and that this forum is a go to for you. all rather new to me (just checked: 2 months) and reading this gives me a glimmer of hope that i am at the right place and doing the right thing. kind regards!
Ketamine infusion therapy made it so that I can function almost like I don’t have CPTSD. It comes back on bad days here and there, but I’m forming new neural pathways that completely bypass the trauma. It has made me much less depressed, waaay less socially anxious, and much more able to close the Trauma Folder in my brain when it opens up.
It’s much too expensive, but one day it won’t be, hopefully. It’s soooo helpful. It feels like a crime to me that they’re letting people live (and sometimes die) with all this trauma when there’s something that will help.
I have improved tons, but I am still in a situation around one of the people who helped make me have CPTSD. Once I can go no contact with them in a few years, I believe I will make tremendous strides toward being truly healed. But even then, I will never be like one who never had my life experiences. They shaped me too much, some of it for the better (more sympathy and compassion for others), but mostly for the worse. I hope it will get like to where I am with my diet. About a decade ago, I gave up soda, for one example. To this day, sometimes I still dream about it and want it, but I will never drink it again. I hope that eventually, some of my trauma responses will be like that. Where I recognize the bad for me thinking and feelings and memories that still float around in my head, but will remain at a distance and not a part of my new life beyond a vague phantomlike existence that I can easily control.
You will probably always have the triggered reactions you just learn slowly that they’re not life or death anymore thus making them easier to deal with. Our society will not give you enough personal time to work on all your mental illnesses which is why it takes forever
Deal forever, I thought I was ok, but no C-pstd got flared again two weeks ago and had been hell again.
Okay, I never usually comment on these things, but felt maybe it could help someone out there. Me: childhood trauma, persistent rape, torture. molested. Outcome: depersonalization, severe depression, suicidal ideations, night mares, bed wetting, hyper vigilance, aversion to taking even small pills, strong gag reflex.
-Therapies tried: Psychotherapy, EMDR, Reiki. Talk Therapy, Hypnotherapy, Art therapy, Holographic memory resolution. -About 6 years ago the flashbacks came. A new symptom, startle reflex.
Unable to function properly or leave the house, I was told by a therapist that I needed to get on medication .. likely for the rest of my life. I was determined to find another way.
About 5 years ago I found a 2 day plant medicine ceremony. A LOT was processed during that ceremony. Within days I found it easy to leave the house. Within months NO more startle reflex! In 6 months / 1 year, most of my symptoms were gone including depression etc.
I still work on things as they come up, but they are manageable and not running my life like before. Hope that helps someone out there that there is absolutely hope for overcoming their abuse. I’ve turned this burden into a blessing and wishing you the same. 🙏🏻✨
EMDR therapy took the triggering effect out of my trauma memories. It does not work this way for everyone, but I no longer get triggered after decades of reactivity.
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I practiced “mindfulness” for years with no success, but as soon as I started Zoloft I was able to actually implement that practice and the flashbacks and nightmares have subsided SUBSTANTIALLY. They still come around sometimes, but it’s so much more manageable. I genuinely feel like I’m present, in the room with the people around me, for the first time in my life. I should be hired by Zoloft for advertisement😂
I'm not there yet, but I don't think being healed would mean I'd stop getting flashbacks. Part of what therapy is helping me with is figuring out what triggers me into a state where I'm constantly getting flashbacks. I believe healing would involve: 1) me being able to identify my triggers better and being able to take appropriate measures to keep myself at a distance from them, before I am actually triggered 2) being able to manage myself better once I am triggered. Learning grounding techniques to be able to calm myself down when I need it
In a way, this may be having to deal with this forever. But I know I'll figure out a way for this to be managed without disrupting my life anymore. Hope this helps!
Following
Idk.. I’m finally recognizing it and naming it and catching myself when before it used to just be automatic and I just stayed in that zone.. maybe that’s healing too the self awareness and shifting gears? Idk I’m only 28 and have so much to resolve it’s annoying and I don’t talk about it enough and I think if I did I’d be able to understand it more because idk once a week therapy might not be enough 😂
Has anyone tried EFT? (Emotional Freedom Technique?)
Big fan.
Likewise. Felt such a release. Pretty powerful.
I'm doing Matrix Reimprinting (well, my interpretation of it), which is a further development of EFT. The idea is that you tap on your younger self to release the trauma, and at the same time create new, more empowering memories by imagining vividly the outcome your younger self would have wished for instead. I'm feeling huge physical releases as I do this, and am very hopeful that it will make big changes to me, hopefully even reshaping my brain so that I'm not so front brain orientated - ie less reactive and vigilant.
Wonderful thanks for sharing!
About 15 years and it’s worth the work. It’ll pass if you do the work or not but life is good for me now in a way I could t have even imagined back then.
I don't think it's forever, but it is difficult and risky work.
A combination of EMDR and somatic body work and psychedelics have brought me pretty far.
EMDR in particular has made a huge difference for me the last year.
But my mental health gets worse immediately after EMDR for a few days. Stuff comes up and you need to be able to fall apart/rest/process/have a support system otherwise it can get dangerous. The worst SI I ever had was in the few days following EMDR.
But a few days after the bad times.... I feel like a massive weight has come off me and it's been consistent. I am healing for sure.
Having actual, real, loving friends, and living on my own for the first time in my life has genuinely helped me heal to the point where I actually feel well adjusted. The scars of the past still run deep, but I finally feel like I'm actually moving forward. It was one hell of a struggle to get here, though.
At some point, I started thinking of it as being similar to a medical condition. Like diabetes, for example—I will most likely never be 100% "cured," but it's a condition I can manage using various tools and techniques.
This way of looking at it might not work for everyone, but for me it's been better than holding on to the false hope that one day all this stuff will just not affect me anymore.
I will say it's encouraging to note how far I've come. I still have lots of challenging days, but when I look back to 2017 (the year I finally admitted to myself that my life was fucked and I needed to stop being in denial about it) I've made huge progress in so many areas.
I’ve been in intense therapy and doing EMDR for almost two years and I believe I’m in the healing process, right now to me that means I am able to recognize how I’m impacted by my CPTSD, I haven’t really been able to do that for the majority of my life. I have learned some methods to cope but they still don’t come automatically to me, I have to work at remembering them and putting them into practice. I’m getting better but I think I will always be in the process of healing in some way.
Feeling "healed" comes and goes. Some weeks, I'm doing great, and daily life isn't a struggle. Other times, I'm triggered by an event or memory, and daily life becomes difficult.
Overall though, I'm doing much, much better. I've put a lot of work into understanding my triggers and what helps me cope. Negative coping mechanisms can contribute to daily life being hard. I've come to realize and accept that replacing them with better ones is part of my "work," not just sitting with the trauma.
EMDR helped me a LOT with flashbacks. Prior to EMDR I was working a low paying job, I cried all the time and was all around emotionally unstable. I knew I was smart, but felt like a loser, like I was hobbled by my symptoms and stuck just barely surviving. I hadn't been diagnosed with PTSD so I didn't know why I seemed to struggle so much when others seemed to 'do life' with much less difficulty (ie going to college/having relationships etc). I was definitely not thriving, I was barely surviving.
Once I had EMDR (every week for a few years), I decided to finally finish my degree (at age 42) and went back to school. After that I was able to switch jobs, and I've been at my new job for the last 6 years. I truly don't think that growth/change would have been possible without trauma therapy/EMDR.
I left therapy when I switched jobs and did not connect with a new therapist when I started my new job, and as such I've been out of therapy for six years. That hasn't been a good move for me - I went through a lot of trauma in '22 & '23, and my symptoms have come back, having been triggered by the more recent things that happened.
Long story short, I definitely found relief, it was amazing to have that period of time when I felt 'free', more normal, and like I was a real person again. I think I'll get back to it. I guess I'm saying all that to say that I think healing is possible, and that I made the mistake of not continuing to tend to my self-care by prioritizing finding a new therapist/EMDR practitioner and work through the bump in the road that has currently gotten me off track.
For context my 'ACEs' score is 9, not to go into detail but I too, went through a lot as a kid - it's so isolating too, it's hard to connect with people. I was that person who would inadvertently trauma-dump and not realize how horrified others were until I saw the looks on their faces. C-PTSD sucks. I think this community is great and I can't say enough about how EMDR helped me. I went from feeling truly haunted by the past to "OH! This is what normal people feel like". It was wild to get to that point. Now I'm semi-haunted but hopeful to get into a more positive space again. sorry so long! I probably needed to read this myself, so I hope this is a bit useful to you. :)
I don't know if I'll ever be fully recovered but my life has drastically changed ever since I've started to release the tension directly from my body. I don't even feel traumatized anymore at least 95% of the time. I'm happy, I have great relationships, I'm functional and I don't even wish I wasn't traumatized in the first place anymore because I'm at the point where I can learn from it without really even being mentally ill.
It's subjective. Personally ive healed a lot with therapy, medication, and psychedelic treatment. Magic Mushrooms have been a very good source of healing for me.
Unfortunately however, my trauma has shaped who i am. I don't completely see that as negative, but i cant escape it either. In fact, a lot of my best qualities probably have their roots in my trauma. My resilience, my empathy, my expression, are all things that have been impacted by my trauma in ways.
We are shaped by our trauma but we are not defined by our pain. It's our choice in how we move forward with it. Do we use it as a cudgel to justify our bad behavior, or do we use it as a motivator to make the world better?
I got the smaller amount of abuse amongst my siblings because I was the youngest I guess. Got taken away at 5, two different foster homes and then got out at 12. I had some things happen in foster care too but overall everything could’ve been way worse for me like it unfortunately was for my siblings. I inherited rage from my mom and so did my siblings. I still struggle with it but I’m not violent (at all) like my mom, thank God. I have extreme generalized anxiety and low self esteem (more like imposter syndrome) which has stopped me from pursuing higher education or jobs that would challenge me. I recently overcame that part. The way I did it, I didn’t think too much about the process, just kind of pulled it like a trigger and told myself if I’m going to be a shitty ____, then ill be a shitty one but at least ill have finished it. I’d like to keep my career anonymous. Anyway, now that I’ve finished the schooling part and actually passed the test (that most people fail) the first time, I know I can do it but I still have the anxiety part because my memory is horrible and I’m scared of looking like an idiot so it’s slowing me down from doing the job but I’m pushing myself through it. One thing I won’t allow myself to do anymore is allow fear and self perceived inadequacy to control my life. I deserve better than that and I have to do better for my kids so they don’t have the issues I have.
Comes and goes in waves. Some years are good, and some are bad. Something I finally discovered is that it’s okay to have a bad year after everything that has happened. But it doesn’t have to mean we have a bad life.
We deserve a chance to try for happiness, and it is difficult to find that with the obstacles. However, I have found enough of it to want to try for it when it comes.
“Some things last a long time” - Daniel Johnston
Yes. Healing is not coping. When we cope, we experience symptoms forever. When we heal, the wounds grow and we move om to grow even stronger and better than we would have been without those experiences.
I don't think it has to be forever. I've gone from frequent flashbacks and suicidal thoughts multiple times a day to the point where I haven't been majorly triggered in recent memory. It's probably been a year ish. I feel like I've now got the space and energy to start trying to get my life together.
It's still there, but It doesn't affect me like it did. I can deal with it better now. It's more of an occasional dull ache rather than the frequent sharp pain that it was, if that makes sense. I'm hoping it will get even better as I keep working at it.
I never thought I'd get to this point. I'm going to try and take it as far as I can.