I (28M) am not my wife’s (27F) first choice. How should I deal with this?

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One of the basic concepts of marriage is that you should dedicate yourself to putting your spouse and kids first in most things. She is putting you in second place and doesn't seem to be trying to fix it. I think I would first request that she seek help. If she won't do that, divorce may be your best option.

Let me ask you this: If you left her tomorrow, would she miss you as much as she misses him? I think that might give you your answer. It sure seems like you are just a placeholder.

…she never tried to get over him, what are you talking about? People who are trying to not think about other people don’t stalk their social media pages. 

Signed, a social media stalker who stops when the interest is gone.

Get into marriage counseling and individual therapy for each of you. The first thing is that she goes no contact/unfollows him on all social media and deletes his number, and go from there. 

You deserve 100% of her if you're giving her the same and you shouldn't have to settle for less.

You’re 28. You have a whole future ahead of you. A reasonable question for you to ask yourself is whether or not you want to live that whole future knowing that your wife may or may not still be in love with the idea of a man she knew when she was young. While I understand that people can’t entirely control their emotional attractions to others, that doesn’t mean that you need to stick around as the best alternative when there is very likely someone else out there who would make you feel like their dream come true.

Both my wife and I ended very serious, long term relationships with other people when we’re were just about 30. At the time my relationship ended, I grieved it and felt like my world was falling apart. It became clear to me that I was never going to be my previous partner’s priority, and ultimately that was not how I wanted to live forever. I’ve been with my wife for almost a decade now and I promise you that it is SO much better being with someone who cherishes you, who makes you feel like the person they desire most in the world. While it’s scary to start over, sometimes it’s the best way to find a brighter future.

There’s a play I love called Witch by the play write Jen Silverman. A line towards the end of it sums this up nicely to me: But what if there’s something amazing ahead and all we have to do to get it is burn down everything we know.

Sucks to know she'd rather be with him... i dont know how id deal with this. Id probably leave. Even if she stopped stalking him and obsessing over him for you to see, you still know how she feels about it. Get out before you have kids.

Can I be real? If she’s not over him, you need to leave. You’re okay being an option with her and she’s aware of it. You shouldn’t be her emotional crutch, you should be in a relationship you’re happy and valued in. Everyone deserves to be happy, and while it might hurt to separate it’s so important for you both to find true happiness.

Ouch. I can’t tell you what to do but I can strongly suggest you use a condom every single time. It’s been 4 years. Has she sought out therapy? Couples counseling? What has she done besides stalking his social media? She promises that eventually she’ll get over him? That’s not a promise she can make.

To me I wonder how it ended. Sounds like she never got closure but I do agree with you. It's been 4 years. She should go to therapy and figure out why she isnt over that man. Sometimes it could be things he personifies and not necessarily because she still loves him. Maybe it was a time in her life where things seem more simple (going to school, not having responsibilities, etc) and he was a key fixture around that time. But she needs to figure that out.

Ill give you a small example. When I was 10 my parents wanted to move back to their home country. I didnt want to but I was 10. At around that time I developed my first crush. I never got closure for it. When we moved our lives got worse and I had some childhood depression due to it. I would think back to my life in the USA and one day when I was a teenage (FB started becoming a prevelant thing) I found her on FB. All my feelings came rushing back. We had similar friends so I sent her a request and she accepted. Through the years I'd forget about her but then a random pic of her would pop up and all my feelings would rush back. Then one day while I was in college she posted a pic with her new BF. My heart sank. I knew it was stupid and I couldnt figure out why I was still vibing for a girl I never really knew (I hadnt physically seen her since we were 10). What I realized later on was that my life was not headed where I wanted and I wished I had a reset to when I was 10. I always wondered what wouldve happened if I had stayed. So it wasnt that I still liked her it was that she was personification of my biggest 'what if' which was never leaving to my parents home country. After I accepted this reality I got over her really quickly.

Again it could be your wife still has feelings for this man but it could also be a mix of what was going on around that time and what has changed since in her own personal life (outside of you of course). But again she needs to figure that out (maybe therapy) and you need to do what's best for you. If she's not willing to take the next steps to figure it out and get it resolved then you need to do what's best for you.

Yikes. Why did you marry knowing this?

I've experienced the same situation with an ex (though not married) and it's not normal or healthy. Either she still has feelings for him and just doesn't want to be alone, or she doesn't like the idea of losing control of people.

My ex had a bizarre fixation on trying to secretly sabotage my relationships after we split up, even though she didn't actually try to talk to me or get back together. It's like she just hated the idea of someone being able to move on from her. And she'd done the same with her previous ex while dating me. A never ending cycle.

Either way I'd bring it up to her as soon as possible and have a straight conversation about it, see what she says. You can't let something like that fester especially in a marriage.

sorry to beat you when you are down, but your fault was staying with her knwoing she is in love with someone else and hoping she falls in love with you

if after these years and a marriage, she is still pining for her ex, sorry to inform it won't get better. if she were to love you, she would have already done that. do you want to stay knowing that if he tells her to drop you and start a life together she will?

This limbo you’re in will drag on and on, as she will time after time convince you she’ll get over him. She won’t. You’re the safe choice and he’s the exciting old boyfriend.

My advice is that she needs to be shocked. This means that you need to sit down with her and firmly tell her that this isn’t working and you need to divorce. She’ll either snap out of it or not.

If you decide to give her a chance, put a firm deadline of three months max. If things are the same you must move to an amicable divorce. You have no kids and your lives are not very intertwined at this point. Draw this out you’ll have a house, kids, and intertwined lives that will be traumatic to unwind.

You obviously should never have married her in the first place knowing how she still felt about her ex. However, you have time to fix your mistake. Stick with things as they are and you will have thrown a part of your life away with a woman who loves another man.

If she hasn’t gone to therapy it won’t be better . Pack A bag and move out. Tell her it’s over , she has never done anything to Make herself. Better . Block her . If she wants back she will Find a way . And if she can’t figure out she needs therapy and ask her family n or friends for help . Then she is not sorry and thinks nothing wrong .

Also Go See a lawyer where you know where you stand. Maybe things get worst financially if together 5 years more than 4

It sounds like you were her rebound and she never got over her ex. She’s 27 and have been with you are her ex for 12 years. Since we was 15. How long was she single after he ex before you started dating? 

It does not sound like she was ready to date and jumped in to dating and a marriage that she was not ready for. 

The first thing she’ll need to do is to block him everywhere. Keeping up with him and his life has really hindered her ability to heal, there is peace in not knowing anything about an ex anymore.

Keep in mind that if the math’s correct, she was with this guy from 15-23. You didn’t specify how long after that your relationship started but it’s evident that she never really took the time to grieve that first love. She kind of got with you and assumed that “time would heal”. It unfortunately doesn’t, you need to work on the healing process. That’s why you both need to go to therapy, individually and as a couple.

If she refuses to do any of those things, then it’s time to consider leaving. It’s not fair for you to give 100% of yourself to someone who’s still pining away for someone else. I would personally not even have married someone who’s still pining for their ex.

Why would you marry her knowing she wasn't over her ex?

I don't think she grieved it. She probably stuffed it down and it's been coming up all along. She needs to grieve it and talk about it with someone.

It's the same as why people do things based on trauma as children. If you don't figure it out you can't move on.

It’s been four years and she still obsessively checks his socials and cried when he got married? Yikes. You have two options— Stay and hope she eventually gets over him (which is unlikely) or Leave and find someone who only has eyes for you.

My Man , never be someone second choice. You can go to therapy, but if she says she still has feelings for him and you’re looking into her eyes , you can tell how she feels.

EXAMPLE If he calls her, I can’t get you out of my head, all I do is think about you when I am with my wife , if I separated, and eventually divorce her, do you think we can be together. ? BECAUSE I always loved you It was the biggest mistake of my life, letting you go. I think about your daily When I close my eyes and have sex with my wife, I fantasize ,that it is you I need you , you are my soulmate . You are the love of my life

WILL she think about it ? Never be someone second choice

She clearly needs professional help. At this point, dwelling on that relationship is an addiction. It does not necessarily reflect her feelings or happiness with you, because she's no longer morning a man or relationship that actually existed. That ended a long time ago. Now, it's a habit that's so normal she can't imagine a life without it.

(I'm speaking 110% from experience here. To a lesser extent--I never married someone before I got over it and social media stalking not my MO.) But I was trapped in an addictive heartbreak cycle for years that after the first year was no longer about him or the relationship, it was about me wallowing and not knowing how to stop and him being the object I attached to that.)

It's hard to explain, but based on my experience, I don't think it's a given that you're her "second choice." You are clearly very important to her.

I say that only to say that therapy for her as an individual and for you as a couple might work here. She needs to snap out of this to save your marriage and it'll be a difficult road to navigate while she works on that which is where the couple's therapy can help, too.

But all therapy requires the person getting it to want to be there. If she doesn't, then it's time to evaluate if this is something you can truly live with indefinitely. Personally, I wouldn't.

OP it does not sound like you have a child with her. It's been 4 years. It seems very long, but in the grand scheme of things, 4 years with no children is a relatively short time - you can chalk it up to "live and learn" and move on. I hope you leave. This will not get better, and if you bring a child into the mix, you cannot as easily move on. Please free yourself and find someone who loves you. When you are loved in a marriage, you are #1 and you feel that every day.

It sounds like you are better than nothing - but she is just waiting for him hoping he will run back to her.

Draw a hard line OP. She is not a 12 yo girl, she is a fully grown adult woman. The guy broke up with her, she began dating you, got married and built a new life. This is not how a grown adult carries on. Cut the stalking, get therapy and maybe MC at. a minimum. Those are your terms to stay married. One day she will contact him if this isnt checked hard. He may ignore her or she will agree to meet him, dont waitnto find the answer.

It’s been 4 years and you’re still being treated this way? Grow a spine.

ETA - how did you end up married to someone you knew loved someone else? Why do that to yourself?

I feel like this is really obsessive on her part. Its very odd to me. Im unconfortable just reading this.

Op, ask yourself this, If her ex started working at the same job as her, would she tell you? If he was your neighbor or lived just down the street from you and was single, would you trust her?

Did you catch her looking at his fb or did she tell you? Do they communicate with each other?

Essentially if you trust her to be in close proximity of him, i.e., work, living, etc. Then, get counseling. If you don't, it may be a waste of time and just leave.

You should be a priority in her life.

Bro marrying this girl wasn’t a good idea. I’m not saying you guys can’t work it out, but you are her rebound and it seems you still are. Personally, if my wife was looking at pictures and crying over her old boyfriend, she’d be my ex wife. Idk if you two have kids but I get that changes things. Goodluck man, if it doesn’t work out you’re still super young, but don’t waste your time waiting for something that may never happen. There’s plenty of 28 year old women who would treat you like she thinks about him

Get out now. She's not satisfied to be with you. It's just a matter of time before she does something about it. Or shuts down altogether.

Do not, and I repeat, do not , have kids with this woman....

Its doubtful this will resolve itself at this point, so don't dig yourself a deeper grave by introducing children

Just consider, right now, if he asked her to cheat on you, she 100% would, is that something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? Tell her non negotiable you start marriage and individual therapy immediately or you break up. It's as simple as that.

The problem isn't that you're not her first choice, it's that she's still actively obsessed with that first choice.

If she's not willing to deal with that, you need to put yourself first here. Outside of an arranged marriage, no one should have to wait for their spouse to fall in love with them.

Why tf did you even get married so quickly if this is still an issue?

She wasn’t over him in the beginning of the relationship and she isn’t over him now. I don’t see the point in making it work with someone under these circumstances.

You got down on one knee for a woman that is still in love with her ex? Maybe you need to reflect internally on why you willingly married a woman who doesn’t love you and is in love with her ex

You're the in-between guy . That means the guy a woman is with after a major break up till she decides she's ready to move on from it then she wants to look for someone she wants to be with because she's finally over that guy.

She’s still doing this after 4 years of being together, I think you stayed long enough. I wouldn’t blame you if you left. You have some tough choices to make

You’re young enough to find someone else. If you don’t have kids, it’s a clean break up. She sounds like emotional baggage

U married her after knowing she wasn’t over her ex? Ummmmm

Man I’m so sorry. You should be her first choice. She is hanging on to the past and that shouldn’t be relevant to your relationship any longer. Idk why she would marry you if she still had feelings for her ex! Wow , really shocking. I’m so sorry

Advice: build a time machine and tell yourself to run 4 years into the past. Then learn to not date people with baggage.

People dragging around dead weight are dead weight themselves.

She needs therapy.

It seems like your wife really didn't take the time to heal after the break up that she should have, and still hasn't because she started dating you (most likely way too soon).

On the one hand, that first love cuts deep, and the heartbreak can be devastating. It can take many years to really get over it. I feel for your wife.

That said, it's not fair for her to drag you through it too. I think if she really wants to get over him, she needs to block him on everything and get herself into therapy. She likely has some idealized version of their relationship in her head that she's holding onto. I'd say if she's unwilling to do both of those things, that considering a separation is something you should do.

Being in love with your spouse and committing to them doesn't mean that all other feelings for others just disappear. But your wife needs to be sensitive to your feelings on seeing her be continually sad about an ex, and she needs to take steps that don't include you to get over him. If she's only doing it so she doesn't lose you, it has the potential to turn into resentment.

You know the answer. You know that this is not a relationship where you would want to bring kids into it. She wants to hold onto you because she doesn't want to feel like a loser all over again. That isn't a reason to stay with her. She is just so blatant with it that I can't help but wonder where your standards are? Where did they go that this woman is literally crying over another man and you thought, this is the one I should marry.

This woman doesn't respect you. You don't trust her. I don't even know where love fits into this mess. So what exactly is keeping this relationship together? Why are you both wasting your young and healthy years on this?

I’d be outta there. She’s gonna leave one day.

She needs to get therapy to work this out. You'll always be 2nd place if she doesn't get help. Her stalking her ex on FB and insta is creepy and you need to shut that down if you are going to try and work this out.

I think you should believe her actions, not her words. You already know what needs to be done, the longer you hold off, the worse it'll be.

You're in a rough spot, and I'm sure it's like a constant knife in your heart. Not sure if you have kids, but in my decades of living on this Earth, I've learned that ones happiness is THE single most important thing in life (right behind the well-being of ones children).

Everyone deserves to be loved just like (sorry about this part) your wife loves her ex boyfriend. I truly don't think counseling will fix this, but, even if it somehow magically did, do you really want to waste the rest of your life staying committed to a woman that needed a therapist to tell her "how to love you"? Hate to say it, but you'll always be second best in your wife's eyes.

I wish you the best, but unfortunately, this is one of those times in life where you need to do what's best for YOU. You know what that is, hence why you made this post. Best of luck!

We don’t choose whom we love. Your wife can’t magically make her feelings go away, and you don’t have to settle for being a consolation prize.

If it has already been four years, I would not expect anything to change, which means it’s time to start seriously asking yourself whether or not you can live with the situation as it is for the rest of your life. If not, it might be time to move on. You deserve to be with somebody who prioritizes you. Right or wrong, understandably or not, your current partner does not do that.

I would of left ages ago , your wife is pathetic , even if she wasn’t with you it’s still ridiculous to cry out of jealousy off something like this

I got cheated on and was stuck on my x until my girlfriend showed me what it was like being someone’s number one. I married her and we have been happy for over 20 years. Go find someone who appreciates being your number one. Never settle for someone who takes your devotion for granted.

This is a hard one. She hasn't had a physical affair so far, as you know, but what she is doing is really like emotional infidelity. She's not in love with you. She's in love with her ex and was in love with him before the two of you started dating. It sounds like she wasn't ready to move on to a new relationship when she got with you. She needs professional help, and maybe you can help her find a therapist. The fact is you can not have her heart when her ex is occupying that space, and I know that's making you feel terrible.

Everyone deserves to be with a person who truly wants them. I have seen it over and over with female friends, they choose the safe guy, the good guy, and what he does for them. He is predictable , he is safe. Just like a sugar daddy knows what he is getting into, so should a man chosen for what he can offer should. She will most likely at least try and cheat in the future

Pull the plug. She should have never married you if she wasn’t ready to move on.

I kinda get how you feel, OP. I have been married to my wife for 11 years. She was with her ex for 3 years before we met (she was in her early 20s when she was with him). She was crazy in love with this guy, but they ended up breaking up because he moved to a different country and after living with him for a bit there she couldn't deal with it and moved back home.

She always talked about how much she loved him and how passionate their love was.

When we got into our first big argument and I told her our love is passionate, but she very matter of fact said no, their love was passionate and ours does not compare.

It really hurt. It hurt because she was being perfectly truthful and just doubled down afterward when things were good between us.

Her rationale is that passion isn't everything. Sometimes, stability, trust, and friendship are more important than passion (which I get), but it still hurts to know that.

I'm basically what was safe and good on paper for kids and a family. The other guy was passion incarnate and sexy, intense love making all the time.

She doesn't seem to understand why it still hurts to this day to know that.

Our sex life is basically non-existent. Maybe once very 3-4 months. She says her sex is just very low and not something she really desires. (Which I get...everyone's sex drive is different)

The other day, my daughter told me that mommy's ex boyfriend was (insert name) the love of her life and she wanted to marry him but he moved to another country.

She couldn't understand why I was so sad hearing that. She admitted to talking about him with our daughter, but denies saying "he was the love of her life" (which I can believe)

Again, she said passion isn't everything, and what we have is something she couldn't have with (insert name) because while he was passionate, he wasn't reliable and kind of an idiot.

That just made me feel worse... and honestly, it makes me question my marriage. I love my wife, but knowing i'm Mr. Safe/stable/not an idiot does not make me feel desired or truly loved. I want passion and feel I never got it from her.

She's gonna trade up on you the second she gets the chance. She'll throw your whole marriage away for a moment of infidelity with that guy if he ever gives her an opportunity. You deserve better than that. No one deserves to go through that kind of mental agony.

Pull that plug. Her fixation on her ex is unhealthy and disrespectful to her current relationship. I can’t understand why you took this for 4 years. She’s used you as a placeholder for 4 years. It’s great that you’re willing to get out now. I would encourage you to get into therapy to process this relationship and increase your self-esteem before you get into another relationship.

Commenting so I can come back for an update. While I’m here I will say OP have some self respect, move on with your head held high. Find someone who loves you as much as your wife loves him.

She sounds mentally ill. She's trapped in a fantasy life thinking of what could be instead of focusing on this reality with you in it.

I believe she loves you more than him. At this point he isn't a real person anymore. People change and he's not the guy she fell in live with. 

She's allowed herself to love what amounts to a memory.

Her problem is that she continues contact. Which keeps the out of date memory alive. 

And I assume she's done that eversince they broke up.

Insist on zero contact (not even seeing him in a picture or driving down the street).

In time (+1 years) she will never think about him.

Also,insist she list 10 reasons why she married you vs him.

And inform her that her marriage depends on it.

This literally happened to me and she left me to try to be with him while his wife was recovering from their second child. No amount of therapy is going to make her choose you first, and no amount of therapy should make you forget that she would drop you in a second if she thought she had a shot.

You deserve to be someone's first choice. Divorce her before children become involved. You know damn well that if he ever became available and came for her she would drop you like a sack of potatoes. Not sure why you'd stay in that position. Also, when you do pull the divorce trigger make sure you tell both your families and friends exactly why. Do not let her spin the narrative into you being the bad guy here.

If you are feeling generous, you can give her 4 months to get some therapy and get her head out of her ass. In the mean time get yourself a lawyer and get prepped to pull the trigger on this.

The One That Got Away. Bad news. Don’t let this go. You need to resolve it. Either she gets over him or she gets over you. You don’t need her pining over some impossible ex. Trust me, she sees him with rose colored glasses and you with all your human faults will never measure up. Maybe a professional can help her move on. But unresolved, this is a recipe for disaster.

I have been on the other side of this. Have an ex who was devastated when we broke up and continued to reach out even when she was married. (To a great guy.) Would send me texts if she saw my social media profile with someone new that I was dating. I have never for one second continued going back. We had some major differences in how we wanted to live life. For whatever reason your wife is hung up on her ex.

Move on. She may get over him but she is always going to make you feel the way that her ex makes her feel. Like eventually you could be good enough to receive the type of love from her that you deserve.

You need therapy to work through why you would accept this relationship. You can fix what is hurting your life but you cannot have her fix her issues.

I'd say trust your instinct. Forget her begging you and focus only on what you want. Can you see a future with her after that? Do you want to try to give her a second chance? Don't stay with her because you're afraid to leave, stay because you want it.

Your wife has issues. If you don’t have kids, maybe just leave her.

The grass is always going to look greener to some people. She's living in a fantasy world.

Threats are not helpful. Feeling insecure is not helpful.

Get to couples counseling. You need to work through your feelings.

Good luck.

Take the L and move on.

You are too young to spend time on her. It’s been 4 years. She needs to let go and you need to move on

You really shouldn't have married her in the first place.

You don't get into a relationship with someone hoping they'll change.

if you are okay being the second best all of your life, by all means…..

You're too young to be settled for. Everyone deserves 100% love and commitment.

Tell her she actually wasnt your first choice either. She will probably react worse than you.

If it's been a few months and she isn't taking steps to resolve this problem, then stick to your earlier ultimatum. I k ow in hindsight you probably realize you never shouldve gotten involved with someone still in love with another person and definitely shouldnt have married her.. There's nothing you can do but remove yourself, avoid the same situation later, and hope she gets over her dependence on the guy.

Her just saying she'll get over it isn't enough. She needs to actually back it up with actions. I don't think I'd ever fully trust that she was over the dude.

I was in a relationship for 9 years and she left me due to an addiction at the time. Im not completely over her cause i fucked it up and she was the love of my life. But also im not married 😂

Just leave her you are filling a hole... For me that's a very bad situation and she lacks respect for you, under your roof checking other guys Fotos and crying about other guy... If you ok with that it's up to you but it looks very bad for me

I’d divorce you can’t command your heart to move on and you deserve better than to have a wife yearning for another

She either gets therapy or you divorce. Although I would lean towards divorce. I want to be my wife's #1 not a replacement for 1

Try marriage counselling and individual counselling for her. You’ve stuck around way longer than most people would when there’s 3 of you in the relationship. If she won’t engage in counselling then you know it’s time to move on.

You really, really deserve to be someone’s first choice. Don’t hang around too long if it’s a lost cause.

You have no self respect

This is so sad. The problem is she is obsessed with her ex, that could spell danger for your marriage if he ever wants to try again with her

My guy, this down right disrespectful of her. You deserve to be a starter, not a fill in.

You both have made some pretty big mistakes. You proposing and her acceptance, knowing that that she isn’t fully committed. Hindsight is 20/20, but I would have had a huge problem with knowing if this guy ever decided to change his mind, you are getting yanked from the game my guy.

The very big problem that you have now is being able to tell if she really is over him or if she is just putting on a game face so that you don’t leave her. Now that you have mentioned possibly leaving her, she is only gonna be more secretive in hiding her addiction (him).

Do you really want to spend your life being a fill in or always wondering what he had that you don’t? Wondering why she is pining over someone, when you are the one who is married to her? What happens when she meets someone like a coworker down the road who reminds her of her ex? Is she gonna start gravitating to that guy or what if her ex’s marriage fails and she finds out?

These are situations that could occur and I wouldn’t like my chances. I’m not telling you what to do, I’m just giving you real life obstacles that could very well occur.

Good luck Updateme

She should have already been in therapy. It would be odd to be married to someone while they only START to process the end of a relationship with someone else. She probably married you thinking it would make HIM want her, or get get over him.

Info: why didn’t you break it off, or at least wait to marry her? You knew this was a problem from the get-go but you stayed. You pursued a relationship knowing that if he ever reached out again she would not hesitate to leave you.

Why? Did you ever talk to her about it?

As someone who’s been in the position of OP’s girlfriend, I can say with 99% certainty the feelings will never fade. However I didn’t lead any of the ladies on… in fact, I told them early on that I would only be lying to both them and myself if I forced myself to try this. I hate to say this OP. I think that you are, and always were/will be, a crutch for your wife to use. To ease the pain of wanting the other guy. Because I mean seriously, she’s crying when he gets married and has a kid?! She obviously has extreme feelings for this guy. Again, I know these types of feelings exist because I have them for someone. And have for a long time… OP, I suggest you cut your losses and find a woman who will love you unconditionally, and you will be here number 1.

Yikes, if she still cyber stalks him and is so emotional over his mile stones, how does she have energy for you, her husband??

I hope he never reaches out to her. She's already 100% emotional affair in a weird way without partner consent. Sounds odd, but do I make sense??

Lots of great comments here. Take the advice is my only advice.

Marriage counseling. Individual therapy for both of you. Then make the decision.If she refuses to do both, then divorce is your only option.

She's still in love with him. Let her go pursue her happiness.

ESH. She's wrong to let you see/know about her lingering feelings for him, but you were wrong to marry her when her heart wasn't 100% yours.

Pull the plug dude. The constant disrespect and her pining for this dude is a continuous slap to the face and you know that. If she wasn't ready to move on from him she shouldn't have gotten together with you. This is completely unfair to you and your feelings because she is your first choice, but you clearly aren't hers and never will be. She broke down and begged because she doesn't want to not have him and be alone on top of it. It's not because you're the one for her it's because she doesn't want to be alone while he has someone. I would be looking for a lawyer and moving on because 4 years of this would be 4 years too many for me. Good luck.

You said it.

Yeah I spent many years trying to “work hard enough/be good enough” and then I’d earn the same level of reciprocal love that I put out…. Soooooo dumb, but in the moment - I knew that’s all that was required lol… it just meant more work from me and she will love me enough to stop making me miserable and maybe even give a fractional shit about me… it made perfectly logical sense to me lol and I’m actually intelligent.

Problem was two things- 1. I was OPs age and had yet to learn and accept the fact that, giving up, and walking away are NOT the same thing. 2. When your head is disaster emotionally/mentally with no resiliency… depression and misery truly consume your head and only after that fog lifts can you ACTUALLY see “ohhhhhhhhh I was so fucking miserable and essentially self destructive that I would lean into people being terrible to me because my head believed “this is what you deserve”…. The most ridiculous sound nonsense dumb shit you’ve heard at least all week if not the month right?

Yeah…. I did the same version of what you’re in at that time only not a marriage but the fucking ex baggage… I couldn’t get her to fucking stop I was just beaten over the head with it constantly and it slowly broke me….. so of course I said “fuck that I at least have enough self respect to know I deserve not being second fiddle to a dude who is dating someone else and not thinking of my gf anymore. Yet she’s hung up on him… definitely didn’t marinate in that bullshit 2 years lol….

You can follow my path and learn this lesson yourself and you think it’s bad now…. Oh buddy, this is like compounding interest, except for mental anguish lol…. It’s a little here and there… catching a story of the ex, catching some memory on social media…. Little by little…. To then one day getting a call listening to her crying because she found out that her ex found out her career flipped and was working a min wage job and she couldn’t stand him knowing that she was in a point of failure right now….. that finally snapped me out of it lol.

It’s slippery slope dude. I promise you… self respect is a much better feeling, has far more peace, and people that will use you and take from you but not priories you…. They won’t come near you once they can see it - you won’t allow anyone to treat yourself anything less than with respect, including yourself.

Has she been to therapy? She really needs to go to therapy.

Refuse to be a placeholder. Can she actually prove to you that you're not? From what little you've posted I don't know if she actually can without it coming across as being motivated by fear of failure, embarrassment, and abandonment.

You knew you were not her first choice from the beginning. Yet you still chose to stay in a relationship with her. Dude, you brought this on yourself! Have some self respect, and get rid of her before she reeks havoc on your self esteem more than she already has.

Ouch, I've been there albiet on a smaller scale and even that was tough. My ex had been with his previous love for a few years and had two children together. When she left him it wrecked him. He lost her and living with his kids all at once.

A couple of yrs later we began dating but I could tell he had a ginormous chip on his shoulder. She had a great career and got married to the guy she left him for (ironically to your story it was her highschool sweetheart). I never felt good enough for him. We had our own issues but it exacerbated every issue we had. When I left that relationship my self esteem was in tatters and I'd lost an unhealthy amount of weight from stress.

Just from my experience it was terribly hard to feel second best to someone you should mean the world to. I hope the very best for you

She needs therapy, immediately. It's easy to fantasise about what could have been, but she needs to learn to appreciate what she has. In all honesty, it sounds like a form of 'complicated grief'. It'll be a process, if she's willing to do the work, especially after leaving it for so long and forming these unhealthy thought patterns. I can't tell you what to do in terms of staying. To me, she sounds sick and needs help.* I'd give therapy a good shot.

I hate to oversimplify things; but you gotta leave. Shit ain’t gonna change. How many more years you plan on waiting?

So, I knew someone from college who was like that. Bf cheated on her, broke up with her, ended up eventually dating and marrying someone else. She was so hung up on him- and I don’t know the exact details- but somehow the guy and his wife ended up divorced, she swooped in and now they’re married.

Now I get learning and growing together to be better partners but this girl should NOT have jumped into anything with anyone else until she put all those feelings behind her. If you don’t want to just drop her (which I get) I would certainly recommend some counseling to try to get to the bottom of things/really find out if this is something that she can work through. Otherwise, I think you deserve to have the chance to find someone who loves you for you vs someone who doesn’t want to be alone. In the meantime, keep it wrapped and do NOT get this woman pregnant.

Well actions speak louder than words, she needs to actually prove she wants you and needs to go to therapy. The fact that she can't stop thinking about him after 4 years means there's something she needs to resolve and that's through therapy. He obviously moved on, yet she can't.

Anyone can say they'll try, but actions speak louder. I would tell her that you won't waste your time with someone who can't let go of the past. If she is still attracted to him, then she go to therapy to learn to let him go or you're walking

Leave before she gets pregnant to keep you locked in. She just doesn't want to be alone.

This would be a deal breaker with me, from just what you've written.

If kids are involved then I think you need counseling.

If there are no kids I think you should move on. You have given her 4 years of your life. You deserve better.

So, they were together for 8 years during a young part of her life. I assume it’s a first love type of thing. He’s not the same person. She’s holding on to things that don’t exist any longer. I’d let it go. You’re married and life goes on.

If you stay with her then you won’t find the woman who is waiting for you who is love you exceptionally. Why stay with someone who isn’t head over heels for you?

Updateme!

As hard as it may seem OP, if there are no kids then walking away is probably for the best.

Go and find someone who sees you as their first choice.

Sounds like you know the deal keeping the title present tense. I am sorry to tell you - you are still not her first choice

Can’t help our feelings. Her mistake was getting married while being in love with someone else. Your mistake was getting married knowing this

He will always be the one who got away.

Going forward you can put your foot down and don’t accept her stalking someone she still cares about. At the very least she should block him. If she refuses? There’s clearly no marriage here

Forget her. You deserve to be with someone who sees you as the jackpot, not a consolation prize.

You have to leave, you never should have married.

I think this is something you should’ve worked out before getting married. Many women date strategically. If there’s a guy they want but can’t have at the moment, they will certainly take the next best thing until he becomes available. Then they’ll find a way to gaslight the 2nd choice into doing something stupid so they can ditch him. This is a tough position to be in. I hope you can work through it. Good luck!

You are telling my life brother.when we were on honeymoon they were chatting and flirting , when I challenged her she will gas light , with hope of things will come better I keep forgive her when I am dying inside . Because of my weakness I stay with her for 5 years had two kids . She doesn’t love me or respect me. I suffered a lot because of my religion divorce was not an option. Now because of my kids I can’t leave her , I die for them. Now I regret it why I didn’t decide at early time!!

You dated someone who was fresh out of a big relationship and wasn't over her ex. What more did you expect?

Honestly just pull the plug and annul the marriage. She's not going to be over him for a while. She never regarded it as a problem until you issued an ultimatum.

She doesn't love you. She settled on you because he didn't want her the way she wanted him. If he ever wanted to "kick it with her", she would chest on you at the drop of a hat. She js crying because she doesn't want her backup plan to walk away too. Cut your losses. You are worth it!

Unfortunately, unless she’s actively in some serious therapy, I think you’re always going to be seen as a placeholder.

Do not have children with her if this isn’t actually 100% fixed.

Bro, she is an Alpha Widow. You were, are and always will be the backup. Please cut your losses and leave this sham of a marriage asap. Have some respect for yourself.

OMG. To the OP and mostly EVERYONE else...

STOP...... OVERTHINKING........THIS!!

It's only making it worse. Keep it simple by doing some simple math.

She's 27 now and you've been together for 4 years? Meaning she broke up with her ex around 22/23 years old? And they were together since high school for 8 years?!?

What does that scream to all of you???

Her FIRST REAL TRUE LOVE! Everyone has one and EVERYONE STILLS REMEMBER THEIR FIRST TRUE LOVE/KISS. It's natural. She probably did think she and that other guy were going to live happily ever after. But it didn't and it hurt like hell when it ended. 8years together is an eternity for anyone. Especially at that age.

OP, you've just had the unfortunate luck of "BEING the guy, WHO FOLLOWED......THE GUY.

That's where you are OP. It's very difficult for her regardless of it was you or any other guy she could've ended up with. Usually most people date MANY other people before getting married after leaving high school. I'm guessing she didn't. Don't throw your marriage away because she still has left over feelings about her first true love.

No, you're not her first choice. But no one is. It's hard for anyone to compare to our partners' first love. Your job is to make sure the you OP, are her LAST TRUE LOVE.

Don't give up on the woman you love and a woman who loves you because her high school boyfriend of 8 years broke her heart and that it still hurts. Heal her heart. give her time and she will give you a lifetime in return.

No married man is her first choice you should know this

After watching a friend do this for the past 15+years,id say leave. My friend ended up sleeping with her hs ex in the bed/home she shares with her husband while he was at work (he was the only earner at the time).

Your wife needs a ton of therapy or you need to end it.

She needs therapy. You two need couple’s therapy. And she needs to immediately unfollow him on all social media and cut herself off from him 100% cold-turkey. If she won’t do that then divorce is your only option.

You shouldn't have married in the first place. The best time to fix this mistake was yesterday. Every day you waste in this marriage is a day you will never get back. End it now and learn from your mistake. 

Yeah it's a problem. I'm living it. Some 35 or 40 years ago. FF to now and she sees my FB post and that through fate we have move to the same city and she reaches out. I hadn't thought about her for all that time and now she's all I think about. We're both married and both want each other. I'm not sure where this ends up but I can see a train wreck if we can't control our hormones.

Leave leave leave. There’s so many situations especially with social media, that people in relationships stalk their ex. It’s terrible to do and I’m sure it’s not a great feeling to see an ex move on and be happy….but it’s not acceptable at all.

I’ve been in a relationship before where my BF was always searching his previous ex on Facebook and Instagram. I went on his Facebook one day and almost threw up seeing how frequent it was. Others will say it’s “normal.”

Let me tell you it felt so good to leave and to be honest have him realize what he lost that was right in front of him.

Let her go

...But she's with you. That says much. Based on what you have described, she can't let go emotionally, but has not tried to actually get back with him. Do you love her? Despite what you have described, does she love you? If the answer is yes, you have a basis for a good marriage.

Others have mentioned counseling. If she is willing, it should probably be just her and the counselor, if you really want her to work this through. She probably cannot do that with a counselor if you are in the room. She is the one with the issue, not you. Show her love. If you do the opposite, you will end up creating a self-fulfilling prophesy.

It’s seems like she did not process the breakup very well and did the work to move forward in life. My heart really breaks for you because loving someone and creating a life with someone who hasn’t officially chosen you with heart and mind feels horrible.

If you care enough which I believe you do, give her comfort and support but also try to get her to see a therapist and really work through what she’s holding onto with this guy. It’s hard to let go of someone who broke up with you. It takes longer because you don’t necessarily get the closure of why and accept it. If she was heartbroken and then moved onto you she may have only done so out of comfort of having the company of someone because she couldn’t be alone. Which is also another issue as you really can’t rely on anyone for happiness but yourself.

She needs to process that relationship with a professional and hopefully shut the door. Then she needs to ask herself why she hasn’t dedicated herself to creating a life with you. She’s married you and had a family with you. Why are you not enough for her? Perhaps once she accepts the old relationship and moves on she will realize how incredible you are and be 100% in without the distraction of past bullshit. Or perhaps she will wake up and realize that she was never fully connected to you and just went through the motions with the safe choice.

Again, give her time but she needs to not just apologize but do something about it. It’s not fair to you that she is not actively working through this and has now involved other lives. You can be there for her but she needs to do this herself otherwise that’s your queue to leave her. It sucks but she’d be telling you that she never really loved you and that hurts.

Divorce her now.

She won't change.

She will always pine for him.

She would leave you for him in a split second.

Move on with your life.............LEAVE.

Do not look back.

Find someone who will love you and appreciate you.

Go and live your best life.

My 2nd husband left his 1st wife when he found out I was divorcing my first husband. I reached out to him. I didn't know he was married, we spent hours talking and even met up before I found out he was married.

You have a right to be concerned.

Therapy. Now. She will not forget this man, ever. She needs to face her feelings and learn healthy ways of coping. Since she hasn't done so on her own, she needs help.

As someone who has been told my spouse still loved his ex for the first several years of our marriage, that he married me partly in hopes of forgetting her, I understand how you feel.

When they started talking on social media I explained how uncomfortable it made me. After a couple weeks he deleted that social media (said work could fire him based on his posts so that’s why he deleted all socials). He still bring she tip from time to time. Still reminds me that he loved her for 10 years after their breakup.

This isn’t a good or healthy way to live. Feeling like second best all the time. It’s hard.

My advice would be to insist she stop finding him on socials and make you a priority. If you aren’t a priority then the marriage will always be like this and you’ll always feel like this. Can you live like this another 4 years? I struggle and have for decades. I now have PTSD, severe anxiety and depression. Not only from the ex love and hearing about it but other things in my marriage too. So I can only say these are a future possibility for you.

I’d ask yourself questions like how would you feel if you left? If she left? How would you feel if nothing changed? How would you feel if you stopped caring about how she feels for this other person? Is that even possible?

You can’t control her, her actions to her feelings. You can only control you and yours. Perhaps therapy would help and make the best path more clear. Journaling has helped me tremendously. Trying not to care hasn’t worked so well. Therapy has helped me realize it’s not me. It’s him and his feelings and his actions and I don’t have to take that in. But I still absorb it and take it on myself sometimes.

I feel for you OP. Big hugs to you. I hope you realize this is HER and not you. We all deserve to be first pick. To be wanted, desired and loved. To be a priority.

She's still in love with him, and it sounds like she will always be in love with him. You're a placeholder to her until he becomes available to her. I'm pretty sure she'd drop you in a heartbeat if he wanted to get back together.

Why else would she stalk him online and cry when he announced he was getting married, and then having a child? Why? Because the realisation of them being together got less likely.

I couldn't be with someone who's heart aches for another man.

Leave. You deserve to be someone's first choice. It's as simple as that.

There's a HUGE difference between the normal reminiscing about a prior love, maybe feeling a pang of regret or nostalgia if you see they got married or pregnant and what you are describing. If you're over someone (which you should be if you're going to vow to spend your life with someone else) and you see they got married you might think "aww, that could have been us if things had gone differently" but ultimately you think one of two things: "poor wife!" (if the relationship ended horribly😂), or "It's a shame it didn't work between us, but I'm glad that he is happy"

Not sure if you want to do this but it may give you the push that you need - ask her straight out, if he turned up right now, said he'd made a mistake and misses her terribly and wants her back what's her honest answer to him? I think you already know what it would be.

You are young, do you really want to spend the rest of your life being made to feel inferior every time this random bloke does something? You're not inferior, and you deserve to be treated better than that. Let your "wife" live her life pining for something that probably only existed through rose-tinted glasses and give yourself the opportunity to find a person who sees you and only you, who will love you because they fell in love with you, not because they can't have their ex and give that person a chance to find and choose you!

Never go in a relationship with a person who hasn't moved on from their ex ... Please...do yourself this favour

The answers are all over the board and most of them aren’t helpful.

The first thing you need to decide is if you want to stay married to her. Then you need to find out if she really wants to stay married to you.

My concern about the based on her reaction is that if this guy ever left hisspouse, she might be willing to either cheat or to run off with this guy. I don’t know what her character’s like so I have no basis for knowing how she would react, but based on her emotional connection, I would predict that it will end badly for you.

You need to have a plan if this ends up in divorce. You will need to protect yourself and your assets. I do caution against contacting a divorce attorney because they will definitely push you in the direction of divorce so that they can make their money.

Once you have a basic idea of what you would do if you did get divorced, you should have a conversation with her. Do not make any long-term plans with her. I would avoid having sex with her, and if you do, make sure you use a condom. I think she’s at high risk for baby trapping or cheating based on her behavior.

You must confront her in a private quiet area when you were together. It’s not a bad idea to say that we need to talk and we’re gonna do so tomorrow at 7 PM or whatever time you decide. It’s not a bad idea to have her on edge and worried about what this conversation might be about .

When you do have the conversation, be as an emotional as humanly possible. The matter of fact, to the point, and make it clear that you’re nobody’s fallback or Plan B. Let her know she has not been faithful by feeding into her feelings for her ex and that it is not appropriate for her to behave in such a way. Having self-respect is so important at this particular time for you.

If you decide that you want to stay with her, a few things have to happen: 1- is she must completely block him on all social media and on the phone. Before she does so, you and her should speak to the ex’s current spouse so she too is on notice and can protect herself. It also will potentially trigger accountability for the ex in keeping him away. 2-she must give you unfettered access to her devices so that you can make sure that you can monitor her behavior if you have any suspicions. 3- she must agree to counseling, both individual and marriage. 4-she must commit to being the best possible wife, and attentive to your needs. 5-you must have regular date nights in order to connect.

If she doesn’t agree with one of these, then you don’t have a marriage. It’s important to understand that you deserve. Someone’s full love and attention. Her feelings for an ex have extended beyond what is normal. At some point, you must be satisfied with whom you’re with because pining over an ex is a futile exercise.

I think it’s normal to still have feelings for people who were a big part of our lives. It sounds like she never fully processed the grief of this breakup and perhaps some hope is ruminating in her thoughts that are preventing her from truly moving on. The idea that time heals all wounds isn’t necessarily true, we have to actively feel the hurt and grieve the loss in order to move on. She will have to stop checking on him and reminding herself about him, every time she does it just keeps reminding her of the feelings she once had and keeping her stuck from truly moving on.

Therapy can help a lot here and hopefully she’s open to working through this with you. Do your best to be understanding and remember that we often look back on things in a better light than what they really were. Once she is able to get over these unprocessed emotions she may see things much clearer.

My wife first choice is Brad Pitt. I am probably not even in the top 20.

This dude won't ever be interested in her.

Just tell her to block him on social media and move on, or she will lose you.

Hate to break it to you but every man isnt his woman’s first choice we’re who she settled with cause her choice didn’t want her. Facts my guy!💯 not some men EVERY MAN!

She sounds like a person that bonds strongly in relationships. Some people are wired differently, it’s not necessarily a moral failing on her part.

If she has any abandonment issues, her brain will often look for repetitive patterns, even if they are destructive, they are familiar, and human beings are wired to find safety in that - even if it’s false.

To help her unlock this loop, she needs to try EMDR therapy. It is like an accelerated form of talk therapy, but it allows the body and mind to speak to each other with new patterns and interrupt the old ones. Unlike talk therapy, EMDR only takes a few weeks.

This will totally fix this issue and a few others she’s not in there for. 💯

Almost nobody was thier wife's first choice.

UpdateMe!

Updateme!

I think she needs help. Also I have been through a lot, and when ever I have decided to recover, I had to put the past away, she is wallowing. We always get something out of our behavior even if it seems like we don't. She either wants a life with you or not. I would tell her to step up, or let go.

Does anyone have any stories of a partner not being over someone when they got together, but still wanting to be with the new person and eventually being genuinely happier with this second person?

She hasn't "forgotten" him because she's not trying to. She's been actively invested in his life from a far. The onlynwsynto save this marriage is for her to fully commit to stop searching for him on social media. And therapy!

Updateme!

Divorce

Don’t let her go to her 10 year anniversary without you.

Then I wouldn’t be a choice at all. Your life matters too my friend

Was there any down time between you starting to date and their break up? That’s a long time to be with someone, especially from a young age. It doesn’t sound like she ever had time to get over it and figure herself out before you entered the picture.

Leave you deserve someone who loves you