If our champion wins, they will leave Earth alone. This is 100% guaranteed. If our champion loses, everybody gets killed.
The aliens have time travel technology and can pluck anyone you choose from history at the peak of their physical prowess.
They will have to fight an alien in a no-rules physical fight to the death. All we know about the aliens is that they are humanoid and very strong.
Who are we picking?
you mf
Their champion may lose on p purpose tho to let the aliens win.
Yeah, this is a trap answer
Unless you picked the alien emperor or commander or whatever. The underlings won’t dare kill them but also the leader wouldn’t wanna win because then humans survive. It’d be a real pickle.
why would the aliens let you use a loophole they can just kill everyone anyways
Idk They’re dumbass aliens making wagers like it’s that Troy movie instead of just blasting us like the roaches we are. They either stick to the wager my loophole works or they reveal it’s a sham wager and I at least look clever before they blow my skull off. Either way I don’t gotta go to work the next day.
Plus if it's 100 percent guaranteed theyvwill leave the planet alone it sounds like they believe in honor so if you did pick their strongest warrior he would 100 percent fight to save them humans due to honor
Assuming the champion had to be from earth, I pick a TRex. Fight that fucking thing hand to hand
Hand to hand is not a T-Rex's strong point. They have puny arms.
I mean, pretty much any megafauna would work I think. Colombian mammoth, Indricothere, a Cave Bear, gigantopithicus. Actually, going with gigantopitichus.
Ok. Let me just get my dictionary out and ........ I agree with this guy.
This is the answer.
Plot twist. They're ant sized humanoid aliens.
They arrive in thimble-sized ships unprepared for the difference in scale.
The mighty ships tore across the empty wastes of space and finally dived screaming on to the first planet they came across - which happened to be the Earth - where due to a terrible miscalculation of scale the entire battle fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small dog.
Now that's a hoopy frood who knows where his towel is.
I see you carry a towel with you, good traveller.
Clever girl
Mike Tyson- if you pick ANY human from ANY point in time, you'd have to explain to them EVERYTHING that has transpired. You pluck Prime Mike Tyson, all you gotta say is, "Wanna fight an alien?" "Yeth" There ya go- we win and get one more great Mike Tyson fight.
Yeth is crazy lmao
Don't matkhe funf of him likh dath.
yeth 🤣
1989 Mike Tython would probably be our best bet, human-wise
Yeah I saw him in a PPV exhibition match in the early 2000s, and forget who he fought, but he was getting pummeled. Kept biting his gloves like he was trying to restrain himself from getting himself a big ole mouthful of ear.
A lil coke and he's gonna eat that alien.
That alien said you talk funny. "Where's his ear I'm coming"
Ah this reminds me of my favorite thought experiment.
How many prime, coked up, Mike Tyson’s would it take to defeat a gorilla?
15
2 on drugs plus one sober
According to the internet, he once tried to get permission to fight one. So imma say 1 sober mike tyson could take a gorilla. Idk what stats anyone shows me, I will die on that hill.
According to the internet, he once tried to get permission to fight one.
I mean it's mike tyson, him wanting to figbt a gorilla in his youth would be entirely unsurprising
But pitting him against a gorilla would be like pitting nike tyson against a toddler and both giving it their all to knock the other out
At best you have an injured individual, ar worst the force will kill someone
You win funniest comment omg
Worth mentioning ancient people also had worse diets and knowledge around training regimen, on top of the fact that we live in the most populous time in history (so far).
I'm not actually convinced that they, on average, had worse diets than the average person alive today. How ancient we talking? There's plenty of reason to believe that people in the year of ... Just picking Julius Caesar randomly... Had access to top notch food
I think the average person back in the day was very poor, and thus only had access to local- in season produce or dried grains. Meat was considered a luxury. I think being fat was a luxury. Probably had a bunch of diseases that could have been fixed by vitamin c or whatever
I’m glad Tyson is the knee jerk correct answer. I came here to vote for the KO king
"Yeth"
Dude, I nearly choked on my food! LMAO
Are they smart enough to tell the difference between humans and gorillas? If not, can I pick a silverback? :)
This is how we get Planet of the Apes
OK, then my ex-wife
This is how we get Planet of the Ex-Wives.
I also pick this guy’s ex-wife.
I also choose this guys ex wife.
I also choose his ex wife
Better than no planet
Given they have time travel I’d say they probably know how to do a DNA test lmao
Yes, but since the delineation of different species is an arbitrary choice, their own taxonomical classifications may count humans and gorillas as being close enough to the same thing to count.
their own taxonomical classifications may count humans and gorillas as being close enough to the same thing to count.
Only if they've done no research.
Gorillas aren't some obscure dead species
What if we chose a prehistoric Neanderthal then?
Their genetic profile is surely closer to ours than gorillas right?
And if I'm not mistaken, while they didnt have brains as developed as ours, they had more muscle mass and stronger bones, which probably gives them an edge, the downside would be that they have no formal training that someone like Muhammad Ali would have for example.
Would their sheer strength be enough to outweigh a lack of training? I'm not sure tbh, idk what the limits of their strength are. If they're as strong as some other primates, that could rip your limbs off and beat you silly with them, then I'd say they have a pretty good shot
To be fair, they are kinda close to us genetically ;)
A lot of life is close to us genetically. It'd be more effective to pack the stands with gorillas and choose a single banana as the champion.
On that note, what are the rules if both champions die to the audience?
Just give it a little makeup and a wig. And remember to eat at Fishy Joe's. Ride the walrus.
Yes. They would never recognize the sloping posture and hairy knuckles
Exactly, so.... People of Earth. Shhhhh
Didn't say it had to be human. Silverback is a solid choice
Trex, velociraptor, Utah raptor, that weird serial killer Topher grace who somehow held his own I'm that aliens movie...andre the giant.
hey predators was underrated af imo
Yes, or a hippo.
Genetic analysis shows that it is at least... human adjacent.
I mean, the scenario doesn't say we have to pick a human, just that we have to pick a champion!
I might choose a chimp over a gorilla, though. They're not as strong as gorillas, but they're still pretty strong, and they're way more aggro. I imagine these aliens might start rethinking their life choices when they see their finest warrior's face ripped off his skull by a screaming primate.
I agree with the silverback
Doesn’t say it has to be human. I choose the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
It also doesn't say they get to pick the arena, I choose Megalodon and set the fight in the pacific ocean, far from land. They are likely far evolved past the need to swim and would be worse in the water than we are.
I pick Shiva, the Hindu God of Destruction
In the end, the aliens were defeated by that humblest of earths creatures… the Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Just managed to realise and adopt the Morgan freeman voice in time to allow this to work. Well played
I was thinking Professor Farnsworth
Ding ding ding! It’s the narrator from The Scary Door on Futurama lol
Jesus, to settle two debates at once
This would either usher in a new era of religion and peace in the sense that the aliens would leave us alone. Or we’d get absolutely boned when the aliens beat a carpenter from 2000 years ago.
But, if after he dies, he rises from the grave, did the aliens actually win? This is potentially a never-ending battle for the aliens.
A time traveler from three days later will stop them from killing the humans.
Dude gonna turn the other cheek and we’re all fucked
John Cena
Aliens can't hit what they can't see
Did you watch Peacemaker? That's exactly what you're setting up. This is a correct choice.
I cherish peace with all of my heart. I don’t care how many men, women and children I kill to get it.
Probably Andre the Giant.
Guys huge, strong, and intelligent.
And 100% would lay down his life for everyone else
Andre was too good for this world
Bacteria
I was just thinking, "How do we give the aliens AIDS?", but your way is probably easier.
Someone watched the animated Sword in the Stone as a kid. Well played Merlin
Alien stomps into the arena, which happens to be the Russian tundra, with snow here and there.
"Where is your champion?"
There's a meaty SPLUT as a 7.62x54mmR round punches in through its eye-socket and out through the back of its head, causing most of its brain to exit in the same direction.
As it falls over, the sound of a single rifle shot reaches the arena.
Five hundred yards away, a patch of snow gets up and slings his rifle over his shoulder.
Dolph Lundgren. Huge muscles, spiky hair, ice cold demeanour, scientist.
But heres the twist and there is a twist. We show it, full penetration. We completely show Dolph Lungren preforming outrageous sexual expirements on this aliens supple young body.
She can be the hot young lab tech tasked with dissecting him aboard the alien spaceship but she falls in love with him for the qualities I listed above.
He smells an alien hes out to the streets busting heads. Back to lab for some more full penetration. Aliens, full penetration, aliens, full penetration, aliens, FULL PENETRATION, aliens, and some more full penetration. And this just goes back and forth until the world sort of just ends.
Hangs dong
Who picked the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man?
I couldn't help it.
It just popped in there!
Ray, if someone asks you if you are a God, you say YES!
I mean, realistically, Jon Jones.
He's probably the best modern mixed martial artist ever, fights at heavyweight, and has only ever lost because he was essentially kicking the other guy's ass too hard.
Also, he ain't afraid to fight dirty. If those aliens have eyes, he's gonna cram his thumb in there
Abraham Lincoln
Bro was a badass. Google his wrestling and fighting skills.
Yeah, the dude fought in over 300 matches and he only lost once.
I pick the guy he lost to
So our champion is John Wilkes Booth then?
Too soon man
It’s been 160 years
Yes, but to us old timers it feels like just yesterday.
Didn't see that coming.
Neither did Abe
RIP
Helluva vampire slayer too
I also watched that documentary
Andrew Jackson started killing people in the Revolutionary War when he was 12 years old, personally killed scores of Indians and runaway slaves while conquring Florida, killed 6,000 British soldiers in the Battle of New Orleans by enlisting Pirates into his army, and survived an assassination attempt from point blank range when the gun misfired--twice. And in between those events Jackson kept himself busy by fighting in 160 duels.
I've actually thought about this in the past, and I came up with Brock Lesnar in his prime.
We need a champion that is good at boxing as well as grappling. For that reason, I would not choose Lesnar.
Francis Ngannou
Pat McAfee used to say this all the time. The alpha male of our species.
I was thinking someone like Poatan for intimidation points or Jon Jones for dirty fighting.
Either Mad Jack Churchill (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Churchill) or Adrian Carton de Wiart (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adrian_Carton_de_Wiart).
“We are told the pen is mightier than the sword. But I know which of these two weapons I would choose.”
Legend.
"You need to sign these papers."
"No"
Proceeds to tear off fingers.
"WTF"
“Frankly I enjoyed the war” about WW1 is a fucking metal statement if you know anything about WW1 combat
I gotta be honest when I read shit like that I always assume they did one or two of the really badass things and then everyone else just made up the rest for them.
One or two of those things is still pretty badass.
True but just saying I doubt they’re all true.
Don’t forget that when Hollywood made a movie about Audie Murphys verified exploits in WWII, he asked them to downplay it to keep it more believable for the audience.
Jesus I had never heard of de Wiart. What an amazing life.
Mad Jack was All Man. Carrying his Scottish Broadsword and Bagpipes into battle, and has the record for most Longbow kills in WW2. I'd follow that man into Hell.
Jon Jones if its no weapons allowed
Initially was going to pick prime Mike Tyson but Jon jones with no rules would be even more brutal.
Master Sergeant Roy Benavides Bruce Lee Sergeant Major Dan Daly
No rules implies that anything can be used, and from any point in history.
So my first question is, can they pull someone from the future, since…yk, time travel, and if they could, that proves that humanity survives this encounter, and thus renders the fighting moot, or at the very least, means I can pull some superhuman mech soldier from the future to fight for us.
If they can’t, then there is no future in which we win, and so the choice doesn’t really matter, so basically, time to watch Hitler get ripped in half by an alien.
I would choose the future human that beat the alien champion, since you said they time travel.
OP rules state anyone from history.
" What is the future, if not history yet to happen so far?" - Allteaforme, May 18, 2024
We’ve got a betting pool that it’s actually shroom tea you got there
Bruce lee at his prime.
Too small :/
Then I guess it's gotta be Chuck Norris.
... Chuck Norris enters the room
I pick Bruce Lee. He kicked Chuck's ass.
I choose myself
I am not big or strong or good at fighting
But I will get to be the first one killed by aliens, and not have to deal with the awkwardness and embarrassment of everyone knowing I’m responsible for their demise. Who knows if any person from any time could beat the alien. I would hate if I pick someone and they lose and I gotta wait to get wiped out by aliens while everyone hates me for picking bad.
If I go myself tho, I either become the most famous and beloved person forever or get to die first. It’s a win win.
So... You'd risk sacrificing all of humanity on your dubious ability to defeat the alien just to avoid embarrassment?
Mighty human of them
Yea tbh that’s probably THE most human answer you could probably give
A real selfless one
You'd risk sacrificing all of humanity on your dubious ability to defeat the alien just to avoid embarrassment?
Yes, probably, and I'd be grateful if, for the rest of my life, you never mention it again.
Mr. T
Battlefield is in an airplane.
Brock Lesnar would be an easy choice. Humans have gotten bigger over time, so unless the people like Achilles and Hercules were as the stories say, you probably would never find a more beast of a man. The only guy I might pick over him was the Russian wrestler, whose name escapes me currently, but by all accounts, he was a super nice guy, so probably wouldn't agree to a death match.
Karelin. He was my choice. At the same time it's hard to know because that wrestling style is so technical, even if his strength and skill were monstrous.
Aleksandr Karelin was a a Greco-Roman wrestling champion with a career record of 887-2. Greco-Roman bears extremely little resemblance to a no-holds-barred fight, however.
harald hardrada the most bad ass big ass Viking there is. As close to a silverback gorilla we can get in terms of strength and killing power.
There are bigger stronger people but not those that have trained there whole lives to kill
Tyson in his prime. There is no humanoid creature in the universe that is defeating him.
Prime Ali?
Ali would play the long game to tire out Tyson. He already said that in an interview.
But he also said if he got hit one time by him he'd be lights out.
Tyson would beat Ali. But Tyson respected the legend and would never admit that he could beat him.
Mike Tyson was a whole different animal in his prime.
Anyone, from any point in human history? It would be between a prime Mike Tyson, Achilles, or Goliath(from David vs Goliath)
But… but… everyone you picked was defeated… historically so that the aliens (who have time travel tech) would know how…
Goliath was only killed because of god's intervention, so that's not really a weakness they can exploit.
You know that Achilles and Goliath are fictional characters, right?
Prime Mike Tyson. Literally going to bite chunks out of the mf
If the aliens are mostly ear, we got this.
Joe Louis. Reasons below.
Assuming "physical fight" means hand to hand / no weapons like swords or maces, I first tried to figure out who history's physically strongest professional hand to hand fighter is. A great swordsman wouldn't mean much without a sword.
I figure technical skill might not help much. They may have a different joint configuration that makes pins and grapples ineffective. Maybe they can twist their arms and legs all the way around or something.
So brute force like punches would reasonably be the safest bet. Someone who can hit really hard and doesn't rely on fancy techniques or weapons.
I'm not someone who really follows wrestling or MMA but my first thought was Andre The Giant. After a (very brief) google it seems he was an entertainment wrestler and I think that's sometimes pretend. They're also apparently strong, and I don't know if he was fast enough to be able to evade them.
So after some more quick amateur Googling I came to Muhammed Ali, but learned that the "rope-a-dope" technique he was famous for relied on the ropes and taking hits. Probably not ideal when there may not be ropes and hits may come a lot harder than from a human.
Next I came to Joe Louis.
"Louis is widely regarded as one of the greatest and most influential boxers of all time. He reigned as the world heavyweight champion from 1937 until his temporary retirement in 1949. He was victorious in 25 consecutive title defenses, a record for all weight classes. Louis had the longest single reign as champion of any boxer in history."
He's not as physically big as Andre, but he's still a heavyweight so he's hopefully strong enough to do damage against an alien.
He's also probably a lot faster than Andre, and his focus on boxing rather than grapples or pins should hopefully mean that he doesn't get tripped up by tricky anatomy. Unless they have a fucking exoskeleton or something and he damages his hands, but you can't prepare for everything so I'm going to rely on classic physical blows.
I don't think I'm going to find a better candidate that covers as many bases, so that's who I'm going with.
"I think that's sometimes pretend."
I'm hoping I'm just whoosing the sarcasm, It is 100% always pretend as fighting. It genuinely hurts and it's genuinely physically impressive theatre, but it's not fighting.
Jon Jones is the only answer
Akhenaten that dude was probably an alien anyway.
I choose.... Businessss Ethicsss.
Lu Bu
Ghengis Khan
Schwarzenegger killed a bigger stronger alien before
Adolph Hitler...if he wins we beat him to death.
If he loses, at least we killed Hitler.
Turns out this is why there are conspiracies surrounding his demise.
...
I think I'll pick King David, right around the time he fought Goliath.
Depends on their size might mouse if they as are smaller, or Jon Jones if they are bigger.
I pick Alexander if it has to be real and a human, Hercules if it can be anyone if it has to be real but not human I pick a T Rex or a Megalodon
A snailfish from the Mariana Trench. Get rekt by 26,000 ft deep water alien!
Goku.
The best fighter in the multiverse.
Alternatively, Data.
Barring that, since it will be a no rules fought to the death, Audie Murphy (if it has to be human).
Data is fully functional and programmed in a variety of techniques
I'm thinking the alien is a Gorn.
Samson with long long long hair
brian shaw
Dolph Lungren
Prime Mike Tyson has to be the answer right?
Shaquille O'Neal and train him in mma for a decade starting as a teen
I think only they get to travel back, not us.
Why is that necessary? He's already a master of Shaq Fu.
My wife picked me….I told her that was a bad idea and I’d die. She said it’s cheaper than a hitman or divorce….
"hey John, I found the guy who killed your dog!"
Champion at what? Context matters. Would suck if we send Andre the giant and the contest is building a ship in a bottle.
John Jones, and I would drop a large bag of cocaine in front of him right before we started.
Well Capatin Kirk has always done pretty good fighting aliens, so I think he's my 1st pick. If it's a real human. They say King David and his mighty men killed 10s of thousands. Audy Murphy would be a good one. Or I guess like others said Mike Tyson in his prime. But then there is Steven Segal in his prime had all them moves..
Chuck Norris is our champion.
You didn't say it has to be human, I pick a young male silverback gorilla
Jon Jones when he was out of the testing pool and bulking off juice and coke, dominating bjj tournaments. People don't realize what kind of monster he can truly be when he's at walking weight and sauced to the fucking gills.
I'd start naming Gods to find out which ones are real. Bonus, if they are real any of them would curb stomp random alien.
Need more info on the fight rules. Specifically are weapons allowed? If so are there restrictions?
Some good picks from history for amazing swordsmen but they probably wouldn’t do as well in bare handed fighting.
Are guns allowed?
Are nuclear weapons? If so I pick Oppenheimer.
Michael, the Archangel. If for whatever the reason angels are not allowed to be chosen, I choose Samson from the Book of Judges. 👍
Alexander the great. He was probably a skilled warrior both in mind and body. I dunno, just seems like he probably was.
He literally just had longer spears than were typical at the time.
Somehow this dude got a lot of people to follow him. Clearly held respect where nobody could act like he didn't get dirty himself.
When everyone was willing to turn around and go home somehow he convinced them to continue and follow him. I wish we could know what he said. I doubt words alone are enough though.
But he was also 16
lucky him
Miyamoto Musashi - Japanese swordsman, philosopher, strategist, writer, and ronin, who was undefeated in a record-breaking 62 duels.
I'd give the edge to him over other historically significant warriors because he was a duel wielder, which would provide a bit of extra defense and damage, and fought unarmored so he would have an edge in speed over warriors who relied on armor.
I'm assuming they get their weapon of choice, but no armor. The answer is significantly different if it is an unarmed fight or if armor is allowed.
Any Gurka warrior, any...
I pick their strongest warrior.