Millennial helicoptering and generation gap

A few years back, can't take credit for it, but an article I read was making the observation that there's Helicopter parents and then there's Apache Attack Helicopter parents.

I quit doing birthday parties when I realized this was the new normal. We had a bowling alley birthday party, 20 kids, 18 moms who stayed. That party pissed off the kitchen who suddenly had to make more pizza and me, who suddenly had to pay for it. No more.

"The invitation said Timmy. Not Timmy plus mom."

Drop off time: 1PM. Pickup time: 3PM. No loitering.

When our kids were young, we had a tuck and Roll policy for dropping them off anywhere. As in, this car is slowing down just enough for you to hit the ground without injury, so you better tuck and roll.

I didn't want to interfere in my kids social life and I sure didn't want to hang out with other parents.

My kid (19M) got hella GenX neglect from me and his mom (both 51) and I couldn't be happier with how little he needs or expects.

Not actual neglect. Just a very very long leash and stealth surveillance rather than helicoptering.

I’m a GenX with a 4 y/o daughter. She’s getting invited to all types of parties and the parents (not GenX) expect you to stick around. I feel it’s out of fear of something happening to your child, then having the parents lose their shit. I stick around, but have limited involvement.

Sent our 15yo to the mall with $40 cash. He said his friends met up with him and their parents followed 10ft behind the whole time.

Full disclosure: We had him dropped off and picked up by his older brother. I never laid eyes on the kids or the parents.

It’s the mall! He’s 15! I think he’s got this.

I lack the grace to tolerate their uninvited presence. No, you don't get a grab-bag, mom.

We had an art bus b'day party for our 9 year old last month. I think all were Millenial parents except one set that is GenX like us and they barely waited long enough for the kids to get out of the car before getting out of dodge for a couple of free hours. Maybe it just depends on your neighbors/kids friends? No way I'm sticking around at a little kids party if I don't have to.

Never have people come to your house. Always go to a skating rink or trampoline park. Anywhere where there's a time limit.

I am lucky to live in a neighborhood with a lot of Gen-Xers that had children late in life. There's a whole group of 6-year old boys. We pretty much raise them as Gen-X Lite.

I was always excited when my kid went to a birthday party. Free time for me! I NEVER would have entertained staying unless I arrived to drop her off and had extremely bad vibes. Fortunately that never happened.

At my kids parties not only do the parents stay they bring the whole damn family and now i’m paying for twenty extra people

I had my kids later too and I think it's the whole "never leave your kids alone with someone else for 1 second!" mentality that is shoved down our throats. When they were in elementary school, I signed them up for a Saturday park district art class. My plan was to drop them off and then chill in the adjacent park reading or enjoying some other form of me time. Apparently that was Wrong and the instructor pretty much held it against me for the entirety of the program. I guess they wanted the moms to participate also. It was fine but not my expectation. They were old enough to manage the art project of the week and could have benefitted from a little independence.

Lol. One of my (genx) husband's favorite stories from childhood was when his mother dropped him off at a birthday party and took off. Turned out it was the wrong day. Took 2 hours for his mom to return (obviously no cell phones) while he sat on their couch holding the present.

I’m also late having kids (6 and 8) my kids are as feral as I was. You offer me an afternoon without kids and I’m out. I prefer satellite parenting over helicopter.

My kids are 23 and 18 now and I didn't really notice this a whole lot when they were younger...

What I did notice was adults wanting to hang out and drink while the kids played together during parties and stuff; but I was in early sobriety so I wasn't sticking around for any of that shit.

Imagine being a single dad of younger kids. Even just for a few hours play date, the moms say they need to "check out my place" before leaving their kids alone with me.

Then they end up staying because it's so nice and drinking all my wine. Fuckers

My Gen Z kid who is adult now hasn’t forgiven us for being the only parents who didn’t stick around for the birthday party at the Jump Zone thing (with their bestie who was our literal next door neighbor).

Half the time I had to catch a ride to the party much less expect my parents to stand around.

We were lucky if our parents slowed the car down enough for us to safely tuck and roll out at the birthday party.

We planned a very informal “decorate your own cupcake” party in the park for five 4-year olds. This one mom (a university professor, no less) stood over her child grabbing and screaming the whole time because he was…decorating a cupcake. I hope that kid is ok.

I could not wait for my kids to be old enough to not stick around at bday parties anymore. It was always so awkward trying to chat with the other moms for two hours.

Did you specify on the evite it was drop off. That's what parents do around here

my parents loved dropping me off and leaving. it was their chance for some alone time. and i got time away from them too.

now my wife takes our kid to play and hangs out there. when does the alone time happen??

The only time I ever stayed at a birthday party was when my son was invited to a skating party for one of his friends on his hockey team. The rink was almost 1.5 hours away from our house and the party was 3 hours. I paid for myself and my younger son and we just skated and didn't go to the party room. When I was paying, the other mom realized how far away we came and there was nothing else around lol. She offered to pay for us but I declined

This happened at my niece's 8th birthday that I attended (I don't usually see her on her birthday). I don't have kids, so I thought things were still the same as when we were kids. Nope. The parents all stuck around, standing behind the playing kids in a semi-circle, staring at the children and ignoring everyone else. It was so incredibly awkward and weird!

My mom once dropped me off at a ceramics party on the wrong day. I didn't know anyone but I just stayed and painted an ashtray.

I kind of had the opposite problem. Parents who left and didn't want to pick their kids up at the end. It's effing 10pm! Why is your kid still here? This was not a sleepover.

I feel like we were the only parents not staying to supervised, even with other GenX party parents. I think it's part of helicopter parenting and being more aware of possible creepy behavior at strangers' houses.

Helicopter parenting comes from over correcting , from being left to fend for ourselves

Ya, there is definitely high supervision. I find it has lessened a bit around pre-teen years. Like, sometimes, the parents disappear on me and show up at the very end of the time allotted. Some will expect me to have a couple hours' discourse prepared on various topics (which I can talk at will about stuff mostly likely very boring to most people) Some will stand, ignore me and type furiously on their phone.

Honestly, I'm just a free babysitter for your kids in the hope that my child has some positive social interaction outside school.

I’m an GenXer with 2 teens and an 8 year old.. What blew my mind was when they started requiring e.v.e.r.y s.i.n.g.l.e parent to stay at every school dance…. Like… what kid wants their parents and every other parent sitting on pew at the gym staring at them. What’s worse is that now these parents also seem to never.. kinda.. do things alone. So you have 2 parents bringing their 1 kid to a Halloween dance… Last year there were 175 parents and about 100 kids…. It’s sad in a way, feel bad for kids today :(

Those kids are going to be more messed up than us Gen-Xers 😂

So it's not just me! Also Gen X who had kids late (but sure did enjoy my 20s & 30s!) My favorite parent is actually the grandma who's raising her granddaughter. I don't know the backstop & don't really care, but she's all about dropping that sweet kid off for playdates & parties.

It was glorious when the kids were old enough to be left alone at parties. Free babysitting! Pretty sure that was around 4 or 5…9-10 yo? No way!

Generally I'd agree, 9 year olds? Dropped off, have fun, see ye later. In this particular situation though I think there's room for flexibility. A bunch of hyped up kids on a boat carries more of a risk than playing pass the parcel in wee Jimmy's hoose.

Open water is a genuine risk but getting on board is a bit much. Once you've seen they have life jackets put down a blanket and wave from the shore. Unless they were just secretly excited for a wee hurl on the boat themselves. 😆

I am Gen X and had my kids later, too, and I admit I have helicopter parented my kids a bit. But, I also lost my best friend in 2nd grade after her brother accidentally shot her with an unsecured gun in their home. I feel like my helicopter parenting was a little more due to trauma than anything else. I might have stayed at the party (and expected nothing for myself, sat to the side if anything), I would not have piled onto the boat though!

These will be the same kids in 15 years who don’t feel comfortable doing anything independently.

inflation my friend, they wanted food. I bet they brought tin foil and tupperware.

We specify in the invitation if it is a Dropoff party or a social party. When my girls are invited I always ask, “Is this a dropoff party?” If it’s a party for everyone, I’m down. But I’m also happy to dump my kids for a minute and have some time with my wife as a couple once in a while.

You have to specify that it’s a drop-off party.

My biggest issue is that millenials and younger don't rsvp.

NEVER overload a boat. I know guys who have no parents because of that.

Fuck anybody who wants in over capacity. It's a death wish.

This is what I love about parenting in Germany (Berlin). If it’s at a house or park, normal birthday party protocol is drop your kid off, then come back at the stated pickup time.. which usually includes an hour buffer where parents arrive and are given drinks and we stand around catching up while occasionally warning our over sugared kids tearing around the house “wir gehen, finde deine Schuhe…”

I’m a gen x mum surrounded by millennials who do not like me at all (only single mum, only mum working FT and with the audacity of owning my own home and car). 

They are awful to my kid excluding him from all the parties and guiding their kids to be friends only with each other. It doesn’t work in the school but outside he has had to take time to build genuine friendships with the 2 kids who’s mums are laid back- they’re from bigger families so the mums aren’t obsessed about them.  

It has been very hard on us. But my kid’s a great person, liked wherever he goes and I know in the long run this is giving him resilience and the ability to make genuine friends rather than those he’s guided to by me.

I believe it will all work out in the end but my god I want to punch those parents in the face sometimes and the kids are so entitled that they’re not even likeable. 

I often stayed, massively uncomfortable with my social anxiety, sitting in a corner and hoping both that nobody engaged with me and that they didn’t hate me for not being social. Ugh. But it was obviously expected that the parents stay too, and socialize. That finally mellowed out now that they are teenagers and in the stage where they are pushing to be independent.

I’ll admit to being a bit of a helicopter but it is because my parents were so hands-off that I swore to do the opposite.

It’s the times and profiteering of fear culture.

 I’m a Xennial (1983) with a 6 year old child. I find cool summer camps for my kid to enjoy most of the summer since husband and I both work typical hours. 

I got shamed by two almost 50 year old Gen X moms of my daughter’s friends for dropping kid off at gymnastics camp and … not staying there for 6 hours? They said I was crazy for trusting anyone with my child. It’s a nice well known facility, as is theatre camp and art camp.  We have used them for years. 

These moms are also faux news watchers and constantly paranoid about immigrants or drag queens hunting their children or something. 

Then there's the assholes who consume alcohol then drive your kid from the bowling alley to their house for the rest of the birthdayfestivities. FUCK YOU if you do this.

If you're responsible for someone else's child, you have zero business drinking alcohol and getting behind the wheel with another's child in the vehicle. You want to drink, then drive your kids fine. Just not someone else's. It's just not being responsible.

I have had some parents stay and some not. I honestly don't mind either way though I can understand why it would be frustrating when there's limited room or food. 

You can call it helicopter parenting if you want but unless I knew you really well I would not feel comfortable with my kid out on a boat and swimming without certified lifeguards just based on stats for drowning in that age group, especially around natural bodies of water. Add to that a lot of people think life jackets are stupid even if they're required by law. So maybe that was part of it? Even 9 and 10 year olds who have taken lessons aren't necessarily great swimmers and only half of kids can actually swim. I definitely wouldn't hover if the kids were bowling or were running around the yard with squirt guns or something. Or if they were at an actual pool. 

Otherwise most of the time I feel like it's actually people who are older than me who think I'm not adequately hovering. Heaven forbid I left my 7 year old sitting in a not hot car for 5 minutes while I ran into the gas station, or let my 6 year old walk 2 blocks to school by himself even though the statistical likelihood of being kidnapped by a stranger is non exisistant. 

Honestly though I think some parents just aren't sure what the social rules are. And based on experience that varies a bit by region. 

Your party was too much fun!

Mine eldest of our children is early 30’s. They had a birthday party at their house for their oldest (third bday). For the most parents the parents let the kids run around in the backyard while the parents drank. But then 3 and 4 years olds don’t run off much.

TBH I hang out at the party to be social and get to know the parents better, but I make a point of totally ignoring my children the whole time: optimal outcomes for all!

I’m a parent that stayed. My kid has Autism though and needed that from me for a while. That kid whose party it was has Autism too. We became good friends with that family and others. We did our kids (11 kids, 5 families) parties together for years and all the adults were friends too.

I couldn't imagine my parents hovering over me at a party.

My wife and I are xennial and we hand around to socialize with other parents. I find parents of one kid are more likely to stay. Parents of 3 or more never do.

Helicopter / lawnmower parenting is everywhere, and yes it started with Millennials. And what do you know...there's a mental health crisis in GenZ now.

Isn’t the whole point of kids birthday parties to give cover for parents to day drink?

Yeah, I dunno.

My experience is different. My wife has a couple of co-workers in their mid-30s. When they have birthday parties for their young, it's like the kid, the parents, the parent's friends, and maybe one or two other kids because the parents could not find sitters, all the adults drinking, and the few kids that are there running around doing whatever.

I can't 100% blame these parents. We didn't have 24/7 news and social media showing our parents the horrors of the world.

Now you see stories about children getting snached every day.

Our parents had ignorance, which is said to be bliss. I don't think you can turn your mind off the hazards life offers when your drenched in horrible news all day.

They learned this behavior in public schools:

• Don't solve problems on your own; get a an authority figure.

• Don't make a mistake; and certainly don't give anyone an opportunity to make a mistake (helicoptering).

• Supervise supervise supervise. I'm about 10 years older than most of my neighbors, and these people will straight up stand outside...in August...in Nashville to watch their kids play ball or do whatever. I can't even imagine growing up like that. We had the run of the city when I was a kid. My neighbor and I used to get home from school, saddle up the horses, grab a shotgun, and go hunt pheasants and rabbits until dark. These days, they'd call a SWAT team on us. I grew up with a 30-06 and a double barrel 12 gauge on my wall and no one ever said a word. I wish my kids could grow up in that environment.

I’m 40yrs and considered a Millennial by definition, but after reading this I can say I’m relieved knowing I’m doing something right on how my 2 sons have been raised. I can relate with those parents that get the stank eye from these Halo moms named “Captain Karen” I don’t understand it not one bit

Yep sounds like it.

I had my sons HIGH SCHOOL band after game party. There was ONE parent who decided to stay and plopped herself at the snack table. It was so weird. She said she wanted to stay to “supervise”.

Our daughter is 12. When she went to birthday parties in pre, k, and early elementary, all the parents stayed and the hosts planned accordingly. She hasn’t been to a party lately but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were still true with older kids.

Omg this happened while I was a Brownie leader a few years ago. The majority were Gen X parents but after I'd been doing it for a few years, we starting getting some kids that were children of millennials. They would hover at the start, which was fine, we had an arrival window that was 20 mins before we began the opening or activities. But then they stayed. It really affected the dynamic for the girls whose parents were luring around. Guiding is in part about fostering independence...what ended up happening with the more shy or insecure girls is that if there was an activity they weren't completely sure of then they'd run to the parent and refuse to participate. It's normal to feel a bit unsure when you're being challenged. Having the parent(s) there completely prevented that from happening. Plus, when my kid was invited somewhere, my husband and I were like awesome, how long do we have?

They remember their GenX babysitter.

Parties and sleepovers and "Can I go to X's house after school?" Yep. Bye. Obviously you paid the price on the return legs.

Gen X parent here as were the majority of my kids’ friends’ parents. We all stayed at birthday parties through the elementary age. Too much liability letting parents leave.

I let my kid go to birthday parties, but all sleepovers had to be at my house.

I was allowed a sleepover at the pastor's house as a kid, with his two daughters. That should be safe enough, right?

He tried to use me to make CP with his daughters. I had "a meltdown" over it (I had already gone through it in foster care--i knew what was going on and how to get out of it).

Because of me, he was arrested and they took 24 boxes of CP out of his house.

He got community service and was sent to another region to pastor... The entire community hated me for "chasing the sweet young pastor away" because "we liked him, and he repented."

So, sorry, but some of us KNOW what can happen and just how fucking FAST it can happen. Most child predators are opportunists. And a party/ sleepover?

That, folks, is an opportunity.

You can "oh, that poor child," all you want, but it only takes one rape to change a life forever.

I’m feeling my Xennial-ness with this post. I usually stay. It’s only now that my older child is a little older that I feel okay dropping her off at a party away from someone’s house and leaving. She’s 10. Someone’s house is different, smaller, contained. My 6 year old can also be dropped off at his friend’s house, but anywhere else? No. My goal this summer is to get the 10 year old to the point she can walk to the park around the corner to play with another kid on the street without me.

A mom left her triplets with us at my son’s 6th birthday party without saying she was going. Not at our home, but a 3rd party venue. All the other parents stayed. It’s expected. Her kids were standing in the middle of the room crying for her and at least one was challenged in some way I don’t know how to name. Mom herself was an immigrant, so I put it down to different culture, but absolutely I was annoyed at it. We all took turns comforting them until she came back.

Swimming, no lifeguard? Yeah I’m staying. My kids are older teens now but I would only drop off at a swimming party if there was a lifeguard. Call me helicopter I guess.

Other parties? Peace out kids. See you in 3 hours.

to be fair, people should take into account how (especially mothers) get excoriated  these days if anything happens to their kid.   we can scoff and sneer all we want, but nobody wants half of society baying for their blood.   "where were the parents?" is a really common and easy cry, and it gets cried a lot.   

by comparison to my own upbringing (70's) I helicoptered my own child  (1990's).   it was pretty self-preservational, maybe a regional thing.   but "I'm calling cps!" was not a phantom concern in our environment.  

 for what that's worth.  I think it's excessive too, but I find it understandable in its context.   if we were more willing to speak up for parents whose kids do get bullied at the party or molested at a friend's house or hit by a car on the way to the store, perhaps that would change a little.   

The world will be destroyed by kids raised by helicopter parents and social media.  

This thread has a big "I walked to school uphill both ways" vibe.

it's how their boomer parents raised them in the 90s so its all they know..

OP, you got me wondering what happens when you drop off your little one at one of their birthday parties? Do the host/parents require you to stay? If you take off, do you think the other helicopters are talking mad shit about your style?

I remember with my oldest kids the parents would drop the kids off and I’d barely catch sight of them. The youngest kids yes some parents would stay. One or 2 of the parties that was helpful 😂

My kid is now in middle school and she's had the same friends since elementary. ( now 13 & 14) Most of the parents were young Gen X to Older Millenials. We couldn't wait to drop off our kids at birthday parties. No one ever stayed. Guess I'm lucky.

My daughter's friend had a Halloween/ birthday party. We dropped her off and went to dinner. The other parents were amazed .

Luckily most of the parents we are friends with are GenX. We have teens and I always took every opportunity to drop my kid off and get outta there to do other stuff. I see birthday parties and playdates at other kids' places as free babysitting (and I will return the favor).

Maybe future invites include a not so subtle line saying "no parents"

I never stayed at birthday parties. That was my chance to run errands alone! The hell do I need to stay with my kid to supervise a party? If my 9 yr old couldn't behave and socialize properly, we would have declined the invitation.

I’m so glad I missed that nonsense when mine were young. It’s the culture of terror and despair that has eaten into people’s minds.

I had a pool party once for my son’s football team at the end of the season.

Plenty of parents dropped off children who couldn’t swim (aged about 7-8). Luckily we had enough life jackets because we also had a boat.

That would have driven me nuts.

Those helicopter'd kids will be dealing the usual anxiety issues any second now. Hurry up and give them a pill! And then another, and another... I work with a lot of late teens, early 20s folks, and they are often dysfunctional and rarely resilient. It's not merely sad, but troubling for the future.

They do this to feel like they are parents, because the rest of the time, they have dumbed them at daycare, then stuck them in front of a tv, then it was school, and then a tv or gaming unit. So this is thier way to show they care in front of others, as soon as they get back home the kids are a bother and could be building a bomb and they never know. Helicopering is only for show, at home they don't mind what the kids are up to, can't be bothered.

yep. noticed this with a neighbor in our building. every year he has a bday party for his 11-ish year old at our building pool. The parents stay staring awkwardly at each other and the children in the pool for 3 hours. They barely eat and then leave 20 min or so after the cake. It's so weird and I feel second hand embarrassed watching them.

Some millenial parents did that with our daughter too. Luckily, it was usually a park bbq so I didn't have to make too much fake small talk with them. They just stood around and watched their kid until it was time to go. What a waste of time.

This doesn't seem much different than gex x parents from when my daughter was small (she's 23 now). It's stupid.

They just like you.

My kids are out roaming the neighborhood as we speak looking at garage sales. They wanted me to go with and I thought it would be better for them to go without adult supervision.

Some parents project their anxiety onto their kids and are hence over protective is what I’ve noticed. Current gen X parent of recently turned 10 year old. One mom asked if she should stay and I said no and she is over protective and super anxious and admits to it

Hells bells, do they go to school with them, too?

Helicopter parenting was apparently started by young boomers, but is attributed to Gen X for the most part. I have no back up and you can just Google the shit out of it. I make the helicopter joke with my wife all the time.

I’m Gen x and unless I know you or we have a history you will not be alone with my kids.

I always stayed at birthday parties and met some of my best friends this way.

I had a convo not long ago at a restaurant in a shopping center after an odd occurance. She worked for a DA’s office and then was a manager at a Zales. We’re obviously both gen x. She claims she was never ever dropped off at the mall as a teen to spend a Saturday afternoon, recoiled from me in horror at my life of obvious neglectful and incompetent parents. I’m calling performative bullshit or abusive parents with one being a control freak terrorizer.

They're making sure you don't rape their children, but I guess one chaperone isn't enough. I guess maybe they don't care if you rape someone else's kid?

I'm 1985, so sort of in between.

I think that because we now have to work so much with the cost of living the only chance you get to spend with your kids is the weekend, so you don't want to leave them and not see them

Nope we are expected to stay🙈