How are people pleasers able to conceal the resentment and bitterness so well ?
Once that creeps in how do they heal or let it go especially when it cost them significant relationships ?
I can only talk for my self but being completely alone helped me alot, no one around to try please but myself.
Frankly, it sounds like you could talk for me too.
I was raised as a people pleaser. It took me way too long to learn:
1) the power of “no”. I am not a machine. I have finite time, energy and resources. I was not placed in this earth to do things for everyone but me.
2) prioritizing my mental health. Instead of doing someone else’s work for 15 minutes, I use that time for myself to meditate. I wish I did this more often during the work day.
I still struggle with people pleasing aspects of myself.
edit: spelling
Grief is an incredible emotion, I believe its purpose is to help us learn how to live with any loss, even these complex situations! Remember - anger, denial and bargaining are all ways of expressing grief.
I don’t know about everyone else but I found healing by not letting things go anymore, saying no, treating others as they treat me and cutting off anyone who was outraged by that. It’s actually hysterical to see someone who’s called you useless freak the fuck out when you stop doing things for them.
By not letting thing go do you mean like not letting people being bad to you slide?
Yes and letting myself get angry about the past because it reminds me not to tolerate treatment like that in the present or future.
Cool yup
At least for me, ive been talking with my people about the process and journey of understanding and repairing and changing things about myself, how it's really hard and i make mistakes but I'm learning I need to change how I operate and can't do these people pleasing things anymore without resenting them, and I'm sorry that changed about me. My partner doesn't understand totally and we fight sometimes about it, but, I see attempts to change expectations and behaviors too in his part and then I'm less resentful and try to find balance, it's never ending tiring work to become good humans and do our purposes, but you are doing a good job!!!! I ask for a lot of grace from them and offer the same when they slip up and take advantage of my people pleasing out of habit, and remind them that it makes me resentful and neither of us want that, it's always communication 😅 communication is first step to understanding
What if you messed up and figured out a way to be needed which was the people pleasing so to give up the pleasing makes it seem like I was manipulating to secure their attachment and now that I’ve have it I don’t want to do those things anymore but I still want them to stay
Yeah you have to face that, maybe you were being manipulative, even if you didn't mean it, we learn behavior like this to cope and find safety, and we have to recognize it and unlearn it, we can't ignore it forever. Eventually we have to call our own bullshit, it sucks and I've been there, but truly if you can imagine and remember your strongest happiest self (eta: if you can't dont do this think of your best friend or the person you know with the best intentions in the world) would that person deserve to be with someone who couldn't understand your intentions, even if you subconsciously were manipulating them, knowing you don't like doing this things or whatever but you will/do because it will make someone else happy and then they will stay, that's manipulation 😔. But we all make mistakes and that's literally what this is, you mistook your motivations for the behavior and now that you see them clearly, you can explain how the behavior makes you feel, knowing your true intentions. You are worthy and you belong too, we all make mistakes. And when you put yourself in your person's shoes, they deserve to know your truest intentions were good and that you are committed to repairing the relationship by bringing up the things that are changing for you and them, before they fester into resentments and they are unrepairable. And that can and does happen top, but we survive. But you have a chance if you communicate! You can do it! You've done way harder things and deserve to be with someone who values what you CAN do and what you WANT to do to make them happy, not the things that make you feel resentful. Good luck and give yourself a hug 🤗. I definitely have been there and it can really improve relationships but it's super hard and I totally understand all your fear and worry right now. You have super powers hiding in you behind your fears, we all do!
Daaaaaamn. Thank you so much 🧡
Just took a snap shot of this!!
Its only manipulation if the manipulator intends to gain something (could be anything including cooperation, control, or profit), WITH the knowledge and disinterest in knowing to do so WILL cause harm to the other.
If theres no knowledge that harm will ensue then its not the colloquial use of the term manipulation (referring to malicious intent).
but rather the older meaning that simply meant behaving in a way to get your needs met or to “manipulate” objects.
People who dont think about the effects of their causative behaviors, do so on purpose (often bc trauma, but also by lying to themselves they can excuse and pretend they dont have malicious intent). This is a gray area. Narcissists are usually formed from extremes of caregiving (too much or too little at very very young ages) and so they develop a personality that literally cannot tolerate a poor self image and so the brain lies to itself so that it doesn’t fall apart at every perceived rejection (borderline is the inverse of narcissism). Are they manipulative. Technically no, they truly believe everything they say at the moment they say/do the thing, but … I think most people would say its malicious manipulation because there’s no desire intent or even rarely the ability to change this pattern of behavior for them.
So true. I have found my greatest joy in a relationship with my long time wife. We were and are both willing to do 'the work'. Oh Yay!
It is, and has been, so painful over the years to see so many couples where either neither, or even worse, only one is willing to do the work for the relationship.
Buttons will get pushed in relationship. The deeper the relationship the more powerful the buttons. Buttons can be self awareness switches.
It is such a gift to be able to offer grace when needed. It is such a gift to be able, or willing, to see and acknowledge our own shortcomings, to value and validate our partners, or others, enough to do so. Such a beautiful gift to receive too 😊
Courage and perseverance furthers!
That's wonderful, you deserve it!
first, by deciding its done. NO MORE. stop giving yourself away
second, one puts oneself first. No more ignoring the gut feeling and pushing our needs back to ease social friction
third, spend time with yourself and on yourself. wash your face, take ten minutes to stretch, use your hands to care for yourself
Alcohol. I will die from it, BECAUSE I now feel the resentment,crave, bitterness, and loneliness so much. I gave and continue to give everything up for other people. It's the disease, not the addiction.
How would you describe the feeling of resentment??
I describe it as an intense and relentlessly persistent anger and disappointment I have towards myself that manifests as an external blame and hostility. It drains my physical energy as well.
I could tell who was using me for my kindness, and told them to fuck off.
How could you tell ?
When going through my healing journey and started therapy. When I speak/write about experiences, it's helped me figure out things for what they are. I trusted everyone in my life to treat me how I treat them. Now I've not got time for people who want to waste mine anymore. It took me 1 year of therapy before I started to notice small changes in the way I perceive the word.
Oh shit you described my path! I'm terrible at hiding what I'm feeling. Now that I'm a couple decades out of the situation, I can no longer hide resentment from myself and it's on display for everyone to see lol. I'm not sure if it's progress exactly...but its...something...I guess
Sure. Sadness. Denial. Anger. It's all part of the grieving process. I'm going thru it rn too. You're allowed and valid to feel it
The best part is, they don't always.come in that order and sometimes you get several at once lol
seeing, acknowledging and honoring your feelings is crucial. you need to know how you really feel.
This... is so poignant to keep in mind. Is we don't have a sense if self as we abandon it for others we perciece as incapable or unwilling to accept appreciate or coexist with our sense of self.
In my case by the time I'd felt I could try and get one. I had a partner I was trying to help around with their mental health and their actions and behaviors that made me feel unwanted and ultimately like I was a pity prize. It made me bitter and disregarding of every facet of herself she'd told me her RBF was just to me someone who'd slither away right when I felt my feelings or looked even slightly sad. Meanwhile I just was taking actions from someone and letting them fuel emotional fires. I should have been calm and slow in letting them speak and letting myself feel without letting loose dams of emotional fire
Thank you... I don't know if they'd every understand but it's nice to have it put into words
going from people pleasing &/or dissociating to full on realizing how unjust things were and are can lead to quite a rage
I'd also add some don't feel bitterness and resentment at first, and then unexpectedly blow up because they've been numbing it out for too long. They can flip from fawning (unhelpful defence mechanism in adulthood) to fight (another unhelpful defence mechanism in adulthood).
Being self-aware of the situation can be vital to avoiding this destructive flip.
It just looks easy. It isn't. It's exhausting and slowly (or not so slowly) tears us apart inside.
Anxiety plus IBS, Fibromyalgia bouts for me.
Duuuuuude! I'm you! I was diagnosed with FM at 15, was raised to please others and ignore my own needs, anxiety is my perpetual state (especially in work environments) which leads to IBS ruling my GI tract. We're twinsies!
I also have been a people pleaser and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 16!
Same, but at 23 or 24 -- also have other conditions that flare with stress :/
Thank you for confessing this it brings me some solace, I had my heart ripped out by one of these people they without fail cannot end things on good terms it’s like they consider it essential to gaslight you that they don’t resent you for so long first
I didn't even realize how bitter/resentful I was. We tend to think we are the bad person for feeling that way. I just pushed it down and ignored those feelings. Turned me into a pressure cooker apparently.
Because if we expressed that we would be rejected, which is the opposite of what we’re feeling compelled to do?
How do you prevent those feelings from turning into a person not fun to be around ?
When I figure that out I’ll let you know, just starting to figure all this out.
I know for myself, I’ve started paying more attention to what my motivation is behind my actions. For example, I enjoy cooking, and I like to share that with other people. But it’s weird because there is a genuine desire to do that, but there’s other times where it feels like I’m doing it because I have to (even though I don’t actually have to) and not because I want to. It’s helped me to step back a little more when my heart isn’t actually in it. Very much a work in progress.
yes! i experience the same type of things.
Are you asking how you can continue to people please and conceal the resentment? If that’s the case, you’re fighting a losing battle. You need to have a conversation with the person you’ve been doing this with. Explain to them you’ve taken on too much in the relationship and need things to be a more fair split. Once you fix the relationship and feel valued, you likely will not continue to feel resentment anymore.
Thank you
Usually when I dive into my more uncomfortable feelings and sit with them a appropriate time figure them out I guess I later the day or the day after will be surprised that I find a bit more pleasure in little and big things. Like first sunshine after a rainy day. My explanation for it is that when I open up for "bad" feelings the same door is open for good ones. And those days I get along with other people quite well and feel more good about myself ergo probably not unpleasant to be around
For me, I was so angry and bitter. I did all of "this" all because I love you and want what's best for you. And you're gonna turn around and betray me? Hurt me? On purpose?
Then I remembered, that's THEIR FUCK UP, NOT MINE.
I'm proud of always being there and kind and helpful. That shows who I am.
Them turning my kindness into their sick cruelty, that's on them.
My actions spoke of who I am. Theirs spoke of who they are.
How are you able to “ do all of this “ for the next person without it backfiring or causing bitterness if it isn’t reciprocated and you don’t leave when you should ? How are you able to keep being so kind after being wounded time and time again and not allowing it to spill over to “ safe “ people who you know won’t leave or get angry? How do you treat safe people kind and not just the cruel types ?
I had to get mindful of the times I was dumping trauma from toxic people onto my safe people (my mom, dad, and two younger sisters) and start building in the habit of telling myself during those moments “they don’t deserve the hurt others have caused you.”
Of course, that mentality led me to drive aggressively for a small period of life, striving to “take it out” on every person who merged in front of me with no blinker, and the sort. That worked itself out quick, that karma found me quick, and I don’t do that anymore.
No one deserves pain, but people suffer pain, and some take it out on others. If we can understand that hurt people hurt people, we will be in a better place to absorb their pain and suffering, and bring benefit to our harm doers and safe people.
Hope this helps
Oooh I’ve experienced a time in my life of intense road rage. I’m passed that now, too, thankfully!
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 thought it was the rest of my life for a bit, I’m glad you’re not afflicted like I was for a bit, be well
Same to you!
You convince yourself that no one is safe, that the only way you'll ever be loved and valued is by keeping up this exhausting act of helpfulness and care.
In the process of healing you need to learn how to feel and communicate your feelings to the people in your life who genuinely love you. I have to fight through guilt just to let my partner know when I'm sad or tired or stressed. It's a long process of teaching myself that my emotions aren't a burden and don't make me a terrible person.
you may not leave when you 'should', but you leave when you can. there is no shame in that
I treat everyone the same. Really. I don't have contact with the people who hurt me anymore. Being mean takes energy I just do not have.
I have learned to apologize and correct my behavior. The better you get at recognizing your triggers or that you are triggered. It's easier to communicate with those around you.
I can not be near people in the morning, I will lash out. Doesn't matter what happened yesterday. The first 2 hours I'm awake is dangerous. The pope himself would get a tongue lashing. So, I've let people know not to call before 10 am.
It's not that I'm all better, but I isolate myself enough in times I know I won't be OK. If i know im not going to be fully comfortable, i make arrangements until i know i feel safe. If that makes sense.
You have to find the right people and actually get out of the cycle. Once you become aware, it is now your responsibility to find your people, and that isn’t going to happen the first time every time. You need a therapist. This is something they help with regularly
Ok thank you, often times what feels like the “ right people “ are those that have dominant personalities. I don’t get it because they are always so kind, supportive and empathic at first.
Yup, that’s how they get you! I went from one abusive ex to another because the next would promise to “fix my broken heart” or “save me.” And they did. Until they stopped and suddenly I owed them back plus interest.
Don’t let yourself fall into the, “poor me, pity me. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,” hole. I had a close friend who was stuck on a girl from college from 10 years ago and that was his excuse for not dating or allowing himself to try to find his people. After a while, it got so frustrating to hear his bellyaching because that’s all it was. He was happy and comfortable being miserable. Don’t get comfortable.
You’re worth more than that, and you deserve to find your people :)
I don't feel resentment or bitterness but do feel self-hate because I'm the one always putting people first and they wouldn't have a chance to use me if I wasn't stupidly letting them do it.
Years of grooming you into such a role while your brain was developing will do that to you. Love yourself as much as you can.
Yeah, for me it's a realization "welp, self, you just gave up any semblance of boundaries and got burned again"
Resentment and bitterness comes with realizing you have unmet needs.
As a people pleaser, I didn't even realize I had needs of my own at all, let alone unmet needs, until I was like.... 32? Because I was so focused on meeting everyone else's needs to maintain safety.
They don't, initially. I spent years fawning over my sister. It took a while to realize I was giving so much of myself to her so she would love me and stop periodically shutting the door in my face (literally). When she did it for the last time (after an event that traumatized me) I realized what a waste it was. How unfair it was, how she'd never apologize or even care, and that the dynamic with her was one I recreated with a lot of people. Always walking on eggshells, denying my own needs, thoughts and feelings for others so they wouldn't hurt me like my mother, or shut me out like my sister.
Self-awareness is key. When you're stuck in that people pleasing cycle you only really feel bad if you think you failed at the pleasing part, and good when you succeed. We need to have that "wait a minute!" moment to realize how much it's destroying us to give and give and let others take over and over.
Even so, I mostly just feel bad for devaluing myself so much, and seek to understand where it all stemmed from. I was bitter and resentful for a while, but realized those emotions are still centering those people, and not focusing on me and my own healing from the things that led me to be a people pleaser in the first place.
you are not alone. the mother and sister dynamic was part of my life too. blessings to you
We disassociate and comply. It’s a bad habit.
What happens when you’re no longer disassociating? How do you conceal it then ?
Lash out at them, pity myself, use substances, or have a mental breakdown. It’s not healthy or good for relationships, but I’m trying to better myself by reading books on boundaries, people pleasing, listening to psychologist on YouTube, and praying. I found rigorous excercise helps a lot too. Was able to place a boundary with my bf through text while using an elipitical at the gym. The speeding heart rate from my anxiety created from standing up for myself was being released. But honestly I heard a lady on YouTube say regular rigorous excersice helps the brain deal with difficult situations and I’m willing to try anything to fix me.
Try running, friend. Just get over the initial 4 week conditioning period. Run-walk for twenty mins twice a week then graduate. I have run up to 16 miles. I regularly run half marathons. The runners high from even 4 - 8 mile run is incredible. Plus music. The huge boost of hormones feels even better than oxytocin which I formerly got thru boyfriends
In my experience they don’t. It comes out as passive aggression.
Not always. Sometimes, it comes out as OCD (bottling up healthy aggression bc it’s not safe to externalize it, is one of the reasons OCD develops). For some of us, it comes out as compulsions. In my case, mental compulsions. I say/do everything I want to say/do to people inside my head, in my ruminations. For others, is other types of compulsions.
You are right, not always.
How are they able to prevent the passive aggression from making them miserable to be around ?
They don’t, unless they learn to communicate their needs and put themselves first in necessary situations, and then they grow and stop being a people pleaser because they learn it backfires.
People pleasing is actually a selfish trait. And I mean no ill intent saying that. I have had to grow out of it too and I still have my moments.
Could you expand on it being selfish? I just got out of a relationship with a people pleaser and it's pretty devastating because he was great but also clearly resentful towards me at the end because he had stepped over his own boundaries a million times (ones that I didn't know existed).
The people pleasing I’m talking about is when they put everyone’s needs before their own. They neglect themselves, and in return it creates resentment and passive aggression, and they end up creating problems between people that otherwise wouldn’t have existed if they had just valued their needs to begin with. They do it for their own good (making sure everyone’s always happy with them). It may seem like they are caring for everyone by doing it, but they really aren’t because it just backfires.
Think about the airplane scenario where the plane is crashing and you go to save your loved ones and give them a mask before yourself, but now you’re dead and can’t save everyone. You have to put your own mask on first to help everyone.
Got it, thanks!
I was a people pleaser until I was able to feel resentment and bitterness. Then everything shifted.
Wow, what allowed you access the bitterness
Distance, time, therapy, going no contact. Allowing myself to feel things when I needed to feel them. the bitterness along with the happiness I felt being away from them A lot of things helped and I sincerely hope you find what works best for you!
Why do we always put other people first? Is it way of assuring our safety? Sacrificing authenticity for attachement.
Hope that people will come and stay. I’ve had so many people tell me- you’re the best girlfriend/friend I’ve ever had! Of course I was, I made sure I became exactly what they wanted so they would stick around. I did things for them, big and small. Listened to their music. Ate what/where they wanted. Looked how they wanted me to look. Spent my time how I thought they would want me to. And then it never ended well when I got burnt out and tried to set boundaries. Tried suggesting my music more, or doing my own thing, or being honest.
Even now in my currently relationship, trying to back away from the people pleasing and my relationship is suffering for it. Of course it is! Now I’m saying I want more from him than I originally let on, and to also give less? Of course it’s hard.
When you stop people pleasing people aren't pleased
I’m curious. Did you ever lose your sense of self? Did you believe you were actually the person you pretended to be? I mean, did you lose yourself in that character so much that it became “you”? Or, did you know, deep down, that you were always pretending to get love and admiration in return?
For me, I can’t speak for others, I wholeheartedly step into it and believe it’s the real me until other signs start giving way that it isn’t. Usually it can be something the other person says that may break this spell, where they say they want even more from me about my identity and I just break. It’s happened so many times, and it makes me so sad.
“You’ll be a professional programmer soon!” “You’ll be great as a religious devotional wife!” “I can’t wait to make you a great hiker!” “Once you do this, then we can take it a step further and get you to do doing blah blah blah.”
It’s the tell that they love me for what I’m doing for them. Why can’t we all just be loved for who we already are?
This is so interesting! I have OCD besides rumination CPTSD and my main focus is “just right” (perfectionism) and “control” (to make sure perfection is achieved). I do it because I fear not being perfect will land me back to being trapped/hopeless/helpless FOREVER (like how I felt in the hell house I grew up in). Because of that, I ALWAYS need to know that I am there, to control that everything is going “just right”. If I lost myself, I wouldn’t be able to do that. Not sure if that makes sense? Do you know what your core-fear is? I wonder if that makes a difference. That, and other co-morbidities like ADHD (me), GAD, BPD, Socially Prescribed Perfectionism (me), etc.
I love you for who you are. The movie “won’t you be my neighbor” makes me cry every time though
Not all people pleasers put others first or at least not all the time. Some of us do it as a bargaining tool, in a way. “I want love and admiration”. I get that by being nice to you/flattering you/doing things for you etc. but we don’t all lose our sense of self to be what we think pleases others. We understand that we’re just “pretending”, in a way. Our real sense of self, even if it’s a very low self-esteem one, isn’t on the line. I get something in exchange: love and admiration. Not all of us are out there being “selfless” by doing stuff for others. I’m not sure if that makes sense? It’s hard to explain, I think bc it’s a subtle difference. It took me a long time to realize this and understanding the difference has been really helpful.
from everything i've learned, yes.
this is why it's crucial for recovery to nurture our attachment needs ourselves. trusted friends can also support our process. IFS and IPF have been game-changing for me.
What’s IFS and IPF?
I know for me it's not that I'm concealing it, it just won't be a factor ever when I'm fawning. My brain will downplay any emotions that don't fit, (anger, upset, etc.). I won't realize how far I've pushed my own boundaries/values until I hit a breaking point and feel exhausted and upset later and don't know why.
Often I don't feel the impact of what I've done for hours until I'm alone and can reflect on did I want to do something and why I did it. So in the moment there's no resentment, only that relief I avoided conflict at all.
I don't blame other people for taking my "yes! :) I'm happy to do so!" as true. Most aren't malicious and nor are they mind readers. They can only take what I tell them at face value.
That’s how they raised me. Anything else would have gotten me worst humiliation and punishment. It’s also the only way I ever felt I could “control” things. If I’m perfect/good, someone will love me. Anyone. It doesn’t matter as long as someone likes me, loves me, sees me. So I swallow it all and pretend it doesn’t exist in exchange for being seen/liked/loved.
I think the worst part is that I’m not resentful or bitter. I was taught to genuinely make myself the last priority in any given situation and that service to others is the only way to bring purpose to my life. I’m trying to live for myself now but I need a daily reminder to put myself first.
Why is that the worst part ?
Because it sucks to live a life where you believe you should come last
Thank you
I don’t talk to a lot of people because I’m just not.
My whole family is neurodivergent (3 out of the 4 are on the spectrum, but i suspect all are), but only my brother is formally diagnosed. When i was growing up, we were mostly unaware of the ND in the rest of the family. Dad has severe anger issues (mostly just verbal abuse), Mom is the ultimate professional in de-escalation (literally, sad as it is, she's in social work), and has discussed psychology with me since I was in elementary school.
Learning to mask verbal tone, body language, and facial expressions was something I started to master at a very young age. Resentment and bitterness is not something that people typically respond positively to, meaning they are not pleasing to people. It's one of the first things to go imo, when being a people pleaser.
It’s one of the first thing to go as far as emoting it directly but do you feel it and express it to others who are safe ?
I... try to. Definitely easier said then done. I have to constantly remind myself that managing other's disappointment is NOT my responsibility, and that I am allowed to have and enforce boundaries.
My partner and I came up with a code word/signal to help us check in with each other and make sure everything is okay in the moment. It helps a lot when I'm struggling with allowing myself to express anything negative as I always feel like I'll get in trouble for it.
They realize that if they don't figure out where their boundaries are and learn to enforce them, they will never be the best human they know how to be. They will be stuck suffering and struggling - it's not a good life.
What do you feel resentment about? What interactions are upsetting? How do they upset you? What can you say to hold your boundary when in this situation? What do you wish you'd said instead of "OH, don't worry, I'll do it"?
Questions like that will help you hone in on who you are, where your responsibility ends - how to avoid carrying others. Realize that you have the option to choose to feel good and say NO when you feel somebody is trying to push something on you.
If you have not yet been introduced to Pete Walker's book CPTSD - from surviving to thriving - please take a few minutes to familiarize you with who Pete Walker is and the work he has done. You can read about him here: https://pete-walker.com/complex_ptsd_book.html
This is (usually) codependency, which is usually learned during childhood. I think it’s often so ingrained that people develop almost professional levels of acting skills around this one particular thing. It becomes so “natural” that you have to mask your true self in order to pacify the part of you that feels the need to please others. Since it’s often derived from trauma, it makes sense that people would become good at hiding it for their survival.
I also think most don’t have those feelings initially—due to this being so ingrained, I think it takes a while to realize they’re being taken advantage of.
Because we have to. We are so terrified of not pleasing everyone and we can’t comprehend the consequences of not doing so.
So. We people please.
People pleasing is an act of survival. This means it also overrides the prefrontal cortex (logical thinking). When people are people pleasing they’re coming from one place: survive.
I imagine any resentment and anger felt creeps in later when there’s greater safety and room to reflect.
i feel guilty for being bitter and resentful.
Guilty for feeling it or guilty for treating people a certain way because you’re feeling it ?
When I was deep in my people pleasing ways I would listen to hardcore music, scream, and let some violent day dreams play out in my mind while I was alone in the car. Now I find more satisfaction from setting boundaries and saying no instead of fantasizing about beating someone up.
I was there too, I was winning 1000 battles in my mind but losing every and each IRL. Turning cold and indifferent, finally let me to start and set up boundaries.
Agreed. I am also making a career change to see if that helps since I was in a helping profession.
As a people pleasure who’s aware of her actions and motives now i can say that i still struggle with this. when i first started dating my bf, i didn’t know i was a people pleasure. i would do anything for this man and i would be too scared to even tell him that i wanted to watch a different movie or eat something else. this obviously led to resentment. why did he feel like he could eat the last bite? why did he feel like he could not facetime me? i do so much for him!!
at some point i realized that the difference between us is that he has a sense of self and i don’t. he eats the last bite bc he’s not hyper vigilant of my reaction, he’s just a normal human with normal reactions. i on the other hand am hyper vigilant of his reactions, and am not acting from “self” and am acting from fear. i also realized that by being a people pleasure i am putting an unfair role on him. he has to wonder if something upset me bc i’m too much of a people pleasure to tell him, he has to be the decision maker bc i’m always “fine with anything” when in reality i do have my own opinions and am not “fine with anything.”
in the past i would hide not only my people pleasing well but also my resentment. my bf is an angel and even tho i was trying, i wasn’t actually hiding them very well. i am open to him about my people pleasing tendencies now and we’re working through it together. i practice being more vocal, confident with him, i practice building my sense of self alone. it’s so sweet when i say my preferences during sex, or say what show i actually want to watch, and he notices and says he’s proud of me 💕
It’s quite simple really, just act like nothing is wrong. You can have all of that guilt and angry building up and sometimes it slips a little but just remember, don’t let it all out until you have the perfect chance to free yourself. Find the perfect opportunity to confront them so that they’re cornered and have no where to go. Pin them down with logic and facts. Gather evidence. Make them feel your suffering tenfold and all at once. Show no mercy.
I would actually suggest gray rocking instead.
What’s that
It’s easy. It’s when you become “as interesting as a gray rock.” You don’t elicit anything for a narc to get pissed at. So instead of unloading on them (which will absolutely make them get super vengeful), you just act as interesting as a gray rock. There are lots of YouTube videos you can look up about it.
Interesting to know. Might use a little bit of both 👍
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As someone who struggles w being resentful, the only way to stop things before it gets there is to advocate yourself and set reasonable boundaries even if makes you feel terrified/uncomfortable.
With time you’ll realize who actually cares about you for who you are and not because of what you provide for them. It’s definitely not easy and I continually backslide
Being cut off from feelings. It's great until it isn't!
What an example of a consequence for being cut off from feelings ?
That would be two weeks ago, when some memories came flooding back and whatever it is I do to keep things locked down just want working anymore. Here's my list of what I did. I don't recommend most of it. I'll just asterisk the ones I do:
- bouts of unstoppable crying
- somatic symptoms (hyperventilating, numb hands/feet, stomach ache for days - lost 10 pounds)
- some of the above are symptoms of dissociation, which I know I'm doing
- insomnia
- overeliance on alcohol and marijuana
- inability to focus, leading to almost no productivity at work
- surprise! more recovered memory, leading to...
- realization I have a lot more dissociative amnesia than I ever realized
- feeling like I'm losing my mind, like my head is made of Swiss cheese
- told my wife (who I trust 100%) what was going on with me*
- made a list of all the traumatic events I can recall to create a baseline to compare against future memory recalls (even after remembering something, sometimes later I can't recall again when I should be able to)*
- shared that list with my therapist*
- told that therapist, who I've seen for more than a decade, about the 8 sexually traumatic events in my past (I've since recalled another) - I've met with her all these years and was never able to say these things until now*
So .... yeah. I guess it got me through? But yikes. No fun.
Complaining about how you hate people all while people pleasing.
Complaining to 3rd parties ? While pleasing the person you dislike ?
For me, you doubt yourself, believe you are the one in the wrong in all conflicts and internalize what should have been anger turned outwards as guilt turned inwards. You have believed for so long you deserve nothing better that you're trying to keep those lousy relationships at all costs. There is no love either way, you settle for relative peace and mere presence of another.
I've been literally apologizing more when I felt the worst - I must have done something wrong to deserve bad treatment, right? Other people seem so big and sound so confident, and you feel small and powerless. You've been gaslit most of your life and you feel guilty and ashamed for even thinking for standing up for yourself, and thus being "selfish".
I'm only now starting to gather the courage to believe that it's not selfish to want to be happy and cared for too, thanks to Pete Walker's amazing book and the help of a decent therapist.
It's not something to aspire to, trust me
I convinced myself I was wrong, or the bad feeling was my fault, or due to something else. It wasn't anger until I realized I had the right to be angry about the way I grew up and I had the right to question everything like I used to when I was little
Because we feel guilty about that resentment and bitterness, we dissociate and shame ourselves and bottle all that resentment up until we crack. I'm only speaking from my own experience, but it was due to my low self esteem that I would put aside even my most basic needs like eating, drinking and resting to try and please others. I felt that resentment but I ignored it, I buried it so deep it became unrecognizable. I basically suppressed my sense of self to the point of losing my identity, and now I'm on the road to healing I'm struggling to figure out who I am and what I believe.
How are you able to sustain it with romantic interest ? And what happens when someone manages to get too close
Are you crazy about the partner you have now ?
I get that
for me, i never had any in the first place (because my self-worth was so low, i didn’t even believe i had the right to feel bitterness or resentment.) i genuinely put everyone’s feelings before my own and almost never said “no.” it made me a super friendly, likeable person but i had no solid sense of self or backbone (hence no ego). I’ve only started therapy very recently, but I have already gained a new sense of self-worth & it’s put me through a sort of “horseshoe effect” — where i’m still a very laid-back/friendly person but now it’s because I’m a lot more secure in my worth 👍🏾
edited for a typo
They bury it for years until they unlearn ppl pleasing. Then they have years of anger that they have to deal with.
I was a people pleaser bcuz I was always trying to gain my mother’s love and approval. I realized in the last few years how toxic it was and how I repeated this in all of my relationships. I was duplicating my mommy issues. Maybe if I could do everything right for this guy and make him totally love me then I could figure out how to do the right things to make her love me too.
People pleasers are seeking to get their needs met through a perverted sense of acts of service. I’ve been told it’s a form of manipulation, which hurt like hell. You also wake up and realize you have no personality. Everything you “liked” was to illicit a positive response in those around you. So then you’re a husk of a person with nothing but rage and trauma seething inside them. Then you have to learn how to work through your issues.
Plus, bcuz you subsumed your natural and righteous anger for so long, you don’t have the skills to manage the torrent of emotion that pours out at the smallest inconvenience. It sucks but it gets better.
For me personally, I never felt the bitterness or resentment. There is some frustration that may turn to sadness once I see how much I was used and manipulated, but I don't hold on to it because I believe my actions came from a good place. It just hurts that they weren't appreciated.
It comes out in other ways. For me, it's irritability, jealousy, and physical exhaustion/pain.
Thank you
historically i have exploded after people bent me over backward. now i realize that is quite a bad approach overall.
I mask. I can smile on the outside and be filled with the rage of a thousand suns. But that’s part of people pleasing: I don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings so I hold it in until I’m literally physically uncomfortable
How did you clear the rage ? Did you ever manage to get rid of it ???
I don’t usually get over it. Most of the time I just get fed up and leave and just never interact with the person again. I did this twice with jobs where the anger got to me. As for random people, I usually don’t talk to people I have resentment towards. I’ll do literally everything to go around speaking to them. I know it’s not healthy but running away from my problems is what I do best
Why is running away from problems not healthy ? And how is the rage still able to persist if you avoid the person and never speak to them again ??
Honestly I guess now that I think of it it’s more about, I feel like it’s not healthy because society would think it’s not healthy. But I mean it works for me so I guess it’s not too bad.
And the rage usually subsides, but I seem to always hold onto that resentment even when things pass. I’m not sure why, but I assume it’s just jealousy. I know jealousy isn’t nice but I at least never ever take it out on anyone.
Jealousy/Envy makes me feel like “ they “ are winning and I’m losing or just makes me hyper focus on my perceived lacks and deficits more while the person I’m no longer friends with wins and is happy.
Sometimes I envy and feel jealous of the fact the some bad people win and are happy, confident and can be authentic and win some more.
What triggers your jealousy ?
For me jealousy stems from my lack of whatever they have. I guess growing up isolated and in an unstable environment, I didn’t have many things that other kids did and I would be seething with envy wondering why. This has greatly affected my adult life, as sayings like “comparison is bad” or “sometimes life isn’t fair” don’t resonate with me. My jealousy has become more prominent as I grow up due to being isolated and having mental health issues related to trauma. I mainly get jealous of people who have good families or relationships because of the lack of love in my home growing up, if all that makes sense.
Makes sense yeah
Sheer force of habit. Showing resentment or bitterness always guaranteed additional abuse, and now I'm almost completely unable to express those emotions. It never goes away and eats at me every day. I'll be in therapy forever.
Delay. When I accidentally people-please, I get a knot in my stomach. It only turns into resentment after the sitch has already happened.
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Practice
I usually just unironically thug it out. I will have really close breaking points but in the end I always manage to hold it together, even if it's a scuffed job.
They dont feel bitterness and resentment, at first. Everything is about the other person and their needs. It becomes their sole purpose and second nature to not have a sense of self.
It's only when the people-pleaser becomes self-aware of the situation that the anger and sense of unfairness creep in.