It never gets better, anyone that says it does is a liar

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I’ll never know what your circumstance feels like, but your experience sounds ripped out of my pages!

You were the first post on my feed. I literally did a double take reading the first paragraph. Thinking “wait, did I already post about this? I don’t remember doing so.”

I know strangers can’t save each other. But you sharing this brought more acknowledgment than anyone “supporting” me does, and humanized me, unlike anyone I chose to love.

I’m sorry and I hear you so fucking much

Hey friend,

people pleasing doesn't work.. we gotta turn that loving kindness towards ourselves first and foremost before kindness towards others will work. it's when we feel we don't need anything but are being kind to others anyway before it gets a good response..

cutting through a thick layer of self loathing is often the real challenge... we are often taking so much responsibility for things that weren't really our fault often due to some traumatic wound, which caused to normalize fleeing from ourselves

things don't change until we care for our own feelings and emotions properly.. that's the only time we'll have something good to give others... it can take a lot of work, often years, sometimes a life time, but generally it's through accepting ourselves wholly as we are, forgiving ourselves for not caring for the good bad and ugly within us that we all have, and learning to do better... that's how things generally change for those of us who fell through the cracks and got left behind

we learn how from exposure to a deeper sense of home family and love between the heart mind and soul than the house we grew up in provided... we can get that from friends who have been healing from what we weren't able to, support groups for those who've been through similar circumstances...

I think you're already learning how you won't find anyone else in this world more worthy of your own love than yourself... learn more about where you went wrong with yourself. go back with adult eyes and see how you're likely taking up too much responsibility for what happened... self forgiveness -> self acceptance -> self love... it's the path many of us missed.. radical self acceptance is often the way these days

when we get that full cup thing going, we will have something good worth sharing with friends, family and community -- can get that good stuff going in a cycle. but we have to learn to care for our own feelings and emotions ourselves first and foremost.. no one else's love can reach the parts that's needed to as deeply, the love we need must come primarily from ourselves

Hope isn't something small and delicate. It's something you grip white knuckled as you wipe the blood from your face, stumble to your feet, look life in the face and say 'again'.

I'm not gonna lie to you, the only reason I didn't kill myself at my lowest point was because I knew my mom would revel in the opportunity to be the poor little victim, and I refused. REFUSED. I dragged myself out of that hole fueled by pure spite and I dont think people understand that's how healing can look sometimes.

You deserve to love yourself enough to be fucking angry. What happened to you was WRONG. The way people have taught us to hate ourselves and give up on ourselves is WRONG.

Grab onto whatever you can to move forward, even if it's fucking rage.

I hear how much you're struggling, and how much you want someone who would put in the same effort you put in.

People-pleasing and codepedency doesn't allow for that. If you're always in fawn, hiding your own needs and sacrificing for people who don't recognise your efforts, you aren't practicing the boundaries and skillsets to find someone who will recognise and reciprocate. It's not filtering out angry and unkind people, and instead getting stuck trying to change them and earn something they won't (or can't) give you. When that's a pattern we learn in childhood, it is so difficult to break. It often feels like a life-or-death choice to do so.

You're not responsible for everyone else's happiness. You only can be responsible for your own, really. You are allowed to leave and find those who do not consider you hard to love, rather than perpetually trying and failing to convince someone who has decided they won't give you that.

Have you tried moving to another state? 

I did that, went to community college a few years until I became a resident and then transferred to university. My friends think I’m a “know it all” because books and learning have literally saved my life. I’ve grown apart from these friends now, realized I choose toxic people, and I wonder if I’ll ever be a good enough friend but I say don’t give up on your own power and magic; it’s still there, you probably just have to jump ship (fresh start) to use it

Yes to everything. I feel this in my core and I don’t know if that helps you, but you’re not alone.

Sometimes I feel that just like it’s easier to make money when you’re already rich and nobody helps the poor, it seems that it’s easier to get validation and love when you’re already loved. When you’re empty and broken nobody will give you what you desperately need. I’ve been discarded by people close to me so many times, and nobody else gives a fuck.

I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this.

Could it be you have another amazing person in your life whom you even fail to acknowledge, someone who has a rich inner goldmine but who has been unfortunate in their emotional investments, making them feel chronically depleted and unappreciated, and unable to realize how amazing they really are and how far they have come, which in turn makes them keep gravitating to unrecirocating people with hearts like bags with gaping holes, who will inevitably and misguidedly validate that amazing person's unfortunate but understandable self-fulfilling prophecies of doom?

Please reach out to that amazing person, and give them a hug. Tell them a lot of us out here said hi and that we all believe in them.

You can find that person in any mirror.

Also your therapist is a mannerless jerk, and as hurtful as it may be to hear it say she can't help you - she is actually doing you a favor in admitting she can't help you. You need a trauma therapist with actual functioning affective empathy.

I just wanted to tell you that I feel the same way. I don't know if that helps or hurts, but I do know exactly how you feel. You aren't alone.

I completely understand what you’re saying. I’ve loved and given and been kind to everyone and they’ve seen it as nothing but weakness and someone who they can take advantage of. Ending it was and will never be an option for me but it really is one thing after another. I get fucked with everywhere I go, there is no one on this planet that I can trust - this all started at 10 years of age for me and continues to this day at 41 years old. Dr’s refuse to treat me for very valid medical conditions- obviously CPTSD, anxiety which is an understatement, depression and the fact that I can barely function and concentrate in my day to day life. I myself don’t even know how I do it. I just need help but these people treat everyone the same and it’s extremely sad and discriminatory. I’ve had people do and say absolutely disgusting things to me and it’s truly never ending. I also don’t believe it will ever get better or that there is any justice or decency left in this world at all.

If we didn't get unconditional love in childhood, we seek it out in our relationships. But other people aren't our parents. The only way out is by giving yourself unconditional love, which can be really difficult. We can be disconnected from ourselves, and authenticity and vulnerability can feel terrifying, even when alone.

I felt similarly to you for years. Felt caught in a black hole, just wanted to die. But it's possible to escape. Read more about trauma, like Pete Walker's book, or find a trauma-informed or IFS therapist.

You are NOT your conditioned personality - that's a response to developmental trauma. Your authentic self might be buried. But you can find your self again.

Man, I've had the same feelings overtake me moreso over the last year and a half. Have you ever thought about packing the basics and just moving away to start fresh? Sounds like the people in your life aren't good for your mental health. Unless your father was a good father and you both genuinely love one another, I'd also go asap.

Oftentimes, it's the environment we are in, and the people in it, that's unhealthy and is burying us.

Anyway, this random stranger on the internet gets you and I hope you find new people that turn into friends that also do as well.

Hey. Look. If you need a friend who has been going through the exact same thing their entire lives, hit me up.

It will forever torture me that the kindest, most sensitive people in the world are the ones that have to suffer the most.

I completely understand you. I’ve done literally everything - EMDR, ketamine, 100s of hours of therapy - and I come home to my parent’s house, my Mum makes one comment and it’s like I’m a little child all over again. It agonises me that after all these years, it feels like I’ve just been running on the spot and making no progress.

I’m now almost completely housebound and went from being an athlete to being almost unable to function because I have some rare immune deficiency (which I’m convinced that, if not caused, was fuelled heavily by the stress of my childhood).

I am a liar.

Or maybe not. You chose.

History. Bottle baby, rarely picked up, rarely hugged, sexually abuse, abandoned, neglected.

Yawn career. Teacher, computer nerd, farmer.

Lot of the crap vanished until I was in my late 60's Then it surfaed.

Last year and a half were grim. But right now, I'm, ok not jumping up and down. but:

• I don't live only in my head. I am growing room in my heart.
• More in touch with my emotions.
• more in touch with others emotions.
• beginneing to seek conntection.
• becoming aware that I'm a sexual being, and, at age 71, learning to flirt.

I will always be broken.

Next week I will be less broken.

I already knew this from being homeless. No one really cares. They will drop you SO FAST. I went homeless bc I ran into one emergency after the next and ended up not being able to afford rent or gas for work. Not drugs. Nothing illegal. No one was ever there for me, and I no longer count on it. I love unnaturally I guess bc I've never received the same love I put in and I'm the same way I LOVE to love people. I really do, but it's never reciprocated.

I just said this to another person, but kindness to the wrong people is definitely wasteful. You can't change or fix a corrupt person with more kindness. I hope you can move on from people who can't reciprocate that to you. I know that it's easier said than done though if you've been disappointed too many times.

I think when you're stuck in that pattern of relationship it's often because your'e holding onto a wound from when you were younger where you felt the need to constantly try to earn someone's love to feel safe. It seems you are stuck in the fawning mode that is making you feel taken advantage with many people who aren't compatible with you.

You probably are realizing through this experience where you are fawning too much too early in the relationship. It's a learning experience, don't beat yourself up.

Although not knowing specifics it's hard to say more. Having more specific examples may help others to help you, but I can also understand if you don't feel like sharing everything on the internet.

I think in your heart you know you gotta rip off the bandaid and move on from someone who can't give you the love you need and that you're going to need that space to heal. And yeah you have every right to feel disappointed by that and need the time to grieve. Being with the wrong person doesn't mean yo'ure the problem, we all go through trials and errors for that. The right person isn't going to make you feel like you need to die, though, or rip you to shreds like this person is. You might be feeling like you're in a trauma bond and that's why it's hard to break out of it, but it would suck more to continue being with that person.

The only thing that EVER worked for turning my life in a positive direction was to stop being SO nice to EVERYONE. I became my own best friend and took the time to figure out what I 1. Needed and 2. Wanted. I didn't even know what I NEEDED before I started this at the age of 43. Decades of just doing for others and what they needed. They couldn't really give me what I needed because I didn't even really know what that was.

Be comfortable on your own. Give a shit about YOU and no one else for a bit. Pour your energy into making yourself happy to avoid developing any other connections until you can confidentially know, and put, your own needs first. Be ready with your cup filled with confidence a brimmin' and you'll spot the ones that aren't right for you much faster.

YOU are worth it. YOU matter. YOU can love you.

I'm so so sorry and I really do from the bottom of my heart feel you. It sucks so so bad and just existing itself it feels impossible in how draining and tiring it all gets. I wish I knew the right words of comfort but if it's any consolation your not alone in what your feeling, and there's a stranger out there whose thinking and hoping the best for you ♥️

I feel better after realizing I was toxically shamed and then doing the work to remove those layers and layers of shame my authentic self was buried under. I feel way better about myself. I feel proud of myself for not self betraying as much as I once did and trying to have integrity in myself so I can have it with others. It was a huge paradigm shift. Still not fully healed and probably never will be but I am way better off than I once was. The self loathing being traded for self compassion is life changing.

My most important resources were:

1. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
2. Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw
3. Heidi Priebe, Patrick Teahan and Alan Robarge on youtube.

Here is Heidi’s video on the concept of toxic shame to get started

https://youtu.be/Y47iJrbO2ug?si=lQfjR7yzG8ZHRpsA

OP - we feel you. To your inner child who is hurting and never learned to self soothe- we see you. To your inner critic - we’ve heard you. I’ve got bad news - If our entire community collectively gave you a 24 hour long hug, and then gave your hurting inner kid a hug, you’ll still be struggling. You have worth exactly as you are. Your inner child deserves calmness and safety. And they need it from you. If you do nothing else for the rest of your days, learn to give your inner child the comfort and love it can only get from you.

CPTSD sucks. Nobody ever asks for this.

All these feelings are valid and clearly based in severe trauma. I think we all feel like things are hopeless sometimes. Some of us even feel it most of the time. But it is still, fundamentally, a passing feeling. The question has to be asked: of all the things I think and feel, why do I most identify with the darkest, most self-deprecating, self-loathing ones? Because you still fundamentally have the trauma wound that convinced you when you were young that you were worthless.

1. The thought that stops me in dark moments is "what if this is an incarnation, and if I end it early, I'll just have to redo this whole lifetime from scratch? Better live it to the bitter end. I may end up writing a book or something, too. Leave something behind to contribute to fate of the world."

2. A large part of darkness inside you is not you. It's something you absorbed from the outside - from your demented father, your abusive "significant other".

Therapy has only made it worse, made me disgusted with myself. It is so devastatingly clear that I’m irreversibly broken. It is so clear that I’m so fucked up and pathetic that I’m incapable of healing or changing my life for the better. And now my therapist says she doesn’t think she can help me.

You've been gaslit by external negative influences and by an inept therapist. But it's true that therapy isn't for everyone. I strongly suggest trying Aikido instead. It is insidiously good at healing the mind.

I hear you. It never gets better. On the outside it might look like things are getting better, but inside it's a never ending battle. And it's exhausting. Others don't see it. Other people might not understand it. The only thing I can suggest is find something to live for before your Father's does forget who you are. It sounds silly, but I stay for my cat. When she goes, I figured I could start fostering or adopting senior cats.

We hear you. It's rough but we do understand. And I truly hope you can find something to keep you here.

Ditto My Friend I have been doing the same thing. Always the nice one helping everyone, family, friends, friends of friends, strangers. Youngest in my family & was groomed to be the little doer General 🫡 to help/serve my parents & siblings which flows over to bailing everyone else out of a jam. Therapy since 17y/o, I’m now 50+y/o. NO MORE • DONE! Started writing the users/energy vamps off & blocking numbers Sept. 2023 Can’t do it anymore. Spent

there’s an irony in that you sound like me of a decade ago but me of today utterly knows that perspective ignores that each of us, absent reference, only knows their normal as the normal.

because we can unfuck ourselves, at least a good amount. but only we can unfuck ourselves and escape our misery.

some dude named sid about 2600 years ago said all sentient beings suffer and that one should work out one’s own salvation with diligence.

you understand the first part. now the hard part of buddha’s insight is the second bit.

right now you’re wallowing in shit. and you’re throwing it about hoping it’ll hit.

i can’t force you to stand up and start to clean as much off as one can. and yeah, i’ve still got whiffs off that vile stank floating in my area since decades mired in muck has long term effects.

it’s unfair others fucked us up. denying that is cruelty.

and it’s unfair only we can deal with this shit ourselves. denying that is denying reality.

Don't force yourself to be good person. Life is not fair. If you're mistreated pushback!!!

Sometimes we need to learn to be an asshole and express our deepest hurt outwardly.

Be considerate of yourself, not others.

If you wanna be an asshole be an asshole asshole, and own it. Don't be and righteous asshole who think they're good person or victim.

You owe no one kindness, first and foremost you owe yourself kindness. 

I'm not a liar, thank you very much.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but that's not fair.

You're absolutely right that being a good person doesn't do you any favors. People are going to treat you how they want regardless of their actions because there's something broken inside them that causes them to hurt everyone they interact with. You have to decide if it matters to you if you want to be the bigger person. For me I decided I wanted that out of spite. I wanted to be able to say that I could rise above the petty bullshit and do what I believe is right without considering how popular that choice would be.

Better is not a magic word. Some people definitely act like it is and I think equating better to cured impedes healing. Better just means that today is not as miserable as yesterday. Better can mean that someone only screamed at you once today instead of three times. It's all about perspective. I think that I feel better in this sense. I am out of the fire now but I'm still working through all the feelings and memories. These things will never leave me. Like a physical disease abuse leaves traces on the mind and body that will never completely go away.

We have to figure out if we're able to adapt to these obstacles. I don't know your life op but it sounds like the people who wronged you would want you to give up. Our abusers love to see us fail. It gives them great pleasure. If you think you have it in you, fight. Fight like hell. Don't let your struggle be in vain. Sometimes getting angry is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

Also have a little Dylan Thomas poem. I think it's fitting for CPTSD sufferers.

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I empathize but can’t co-sign this. 

CPTSD is a neurological + nervous system interruption. These can be healed. 

What kind of therapy did you do? Also, what makes you believe that you are worthless?

I understand completely. It sounds like in an effort to create betterness in your life, you are pouring from an empty cup and getting hurt.

It feels wrong, it feels evil, but in order for things to be better you need to be SELFISH. You can't keep giving and giving and pleasing and making others happy. It kills you.

The only way I started getting better was when I was selfish. I ran from my abusers with my few belongings and I was selfish in accepting help from those who care about me. I am selfish, I do not offer my family anything that they cannot offer in return. (EG Basic respect, love, compassion). I don't offer ANYONE who I know more than being a customer at my job, anything they can't offer me.

And only after this, did I start feeling free.

This is not blaming you. You are doing what you believe is right! You have been taught to hurt yourself to make others happy, I was too. You are surrounded by takers because you are a kind person who wants to give, but due to your trauma you don't know how to build boundaries and take from those who want to give to YOU.

You are NOT the problem. THEY are the problem. Anyone who is a good person will try to encourage you to create boundaries. Will ask you if you need anything, and will GIVE to you. And I'm so sorry you don't have that right now. You can find it. You will find it somewhere out there. But you need to be selfish.

Dealing with belief in own worthlessness, self disgust and self hatred is the worse! It's hideous, insidious, paralysing. I know, been carrying it since childhood. It gets triggered so easily, the slightest bloody easily by others as well as within myself, like remembering I'm still existing and how unbearable it is.

So it's basically triggered all the time which makes existing an absolute torture, and the existence of other people is also absolute torture and I'm stuck between those two absolute tortures, honestly there are years where I would have gnawed my own foot off if it meant escaping, but the torture chamber is utterly sealed in and lost.

Totally believed that I would never heal and constantly trying every healing package I could was just another torture in the endless torture, like I had the Midas touch, everything I had hope in turned to misery and torture.

Then I finally had a total system breakdown, which was literally torture, making manifest what I'd always felt and believed. During that time I found out about trauma and IFS therapy. Have been investing in both and starting to find my way out of eternal hell, it really isn't endless and forever, there's ways out.

Good luck finding yours

This will sound cliché to you but still that won’t make it any less true, every love and affection you get is a conditional one, aka not pure, i know this might upset a lot of people but it’s the truth, your family loves you ? Well if you were never born as their family member they wouldn’t even care about you, your friends loves to be around you ? Well if you didn’t have that certain personality traits that they like and think it’s cool then they wouldn’t even grab a coffee with you, as for your fiancé it’s the same he wouldn’t have fallen for you if you weren’t of a certain degree of intellect, looks and personality, it’s all conditional noting is pure, now ask yourself if their love isn’t pure and only because of a certain prerequisites (conditions), is their hate really that important ? Do you think it’s worth it to stay with a fiancé that in his loving state (conditional) is mess of yelling/shoutings and in his hate state is a self doubt and mental torture for you ?

If people ultimate positive expression which is love, is conditional and not pure do you think their absolute negative expression which is hate, is really worth it to beat yourself to it like this ? do you know who can give you the purest form of unconditional love ? YOU ! yes you, you and only you can love yourself no matter what, no matter what shitty family, friends, and partners got you to think about yourself, no matter how much you lost or won, no matter you are loved or hated from society, only you can love yourself unconditionally, so do you think it’s worth it to hurt the only one capable of loving you unconditionally (YOU) over other people who even their ultimate gift of love is conditional (everyone else), ofc not !

Embrace your light and your good heart, you are not a failure you never were and never will be, no one is a failure, live your life and shower yourself with love, you don’t have to hide your true self or cry your eyes out to get in return only a bunch of conditional temporary sentiments, always remember to love yourself unconditionally because you are the only one in the whole universe who can love you in unconditional pure way, only YOU and no one else (God is the other one if you are religious but Iam not gonna push that on you), good luck sister and Iam certain you’ll find your peace eventually, I believe in you !

Have you read Pete Walkers book...CPTSD, FROM SURVIVING TO THRIVING ?

We all tend to punish ourselves. It sounds like you're in a really dark place right now and I'm not taking any of that away from you. I'm sorry you're suffering so intensely. There's been times (recently) that I couldn't believe I could hurt so bad and still be alive...

I don't know you but now I know you enough to know we share the same experiences.

I'm just wishing you some kind of peace and love right now. It can feel like an endless marathon and I hope you catch a break, even a short one.

❤️

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but it may take much variation to find what works for you.

Relevant Linkin Park song

I validate that it FEEELS that way. It isn't really that way. Things can get better if we work to make them that way in therapy.

I have been experiencing a similar experience with life and this may seem a bit harsh but lately, I have realized that most people are just terrible and selfish. And to be honest, it has made me a bit salty. You shouldn't have to feel regret for trying to be a good person but in this reality, you will never get as far in life as selfish people.

Keep being a good person. The more decent people in the world, the more influence we have to change the norm. Don't change. Don't give up. We need you. (I am not saying that to just persuade you to not do something rash)

Hello from age 52. It still sucks.

Your perspective is your reality

It's so interesting because it's almost like I wrote that first part. The similarities are astounding! I really understand you and feel for you! 🫂 😪 I want you to stay but I also understand and why you feel the way you do. Please stay with me so I'm not alone in this. 🥺😪

Hi, I am a survivor of 23 years worth of abuse! I can tell you it does get better, but it takes time and it is hard work. I have felt exactly the same way and even thought about ending it as well. I realized that it was more of not wanting to be miserable and in pain anymore than wanting to actually end my life. The thing that helped me the best was cutting ties with a lot of toxic people in my life even though it was hard it was worth it. I still struggle but I am 10 times happier now and I also have friends and a support system.

The first step is talking about it here, but please message me if you really need help. I can definitely talk with you and help you because it can get better and it is possible.

Choose better people

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That sounds crappy and awful. You are now surrounded with people who do not remind you of your value and uniqueness, and they reinforce the belief of your own worthlessness. But I’m here to remind you that you are valuable, that what you are feeling is okay and normal. And that you deserve better treatment than this. It DOES get better, whatever the steps may look like to begin creating a healthy distance between yourself and the present situation / cast of characters.

Hello. I hope you feel a bit better after getting it off your chest. What do you think you need to help you feel better right now, in this moment? Or at least relieve some pressure?

I was going these feelings a week ago. I couldn't sleep, hated my difficult life and everything felt meaningless. I couldn't deal with the suffering of life. This week however, things feel easier and I realise I may have been triggered into a flashback.

I feel you are right btw. It does feel like it goes from feeling ok, to very awful and if we are lucky with time it feels a bit easier.

Super sorry you feel like this, please hang in there it genuinely does get better.

Sending you a hug 🫂🫂🫂🫂

Try Allywise on instagram. I’ve found it really helpful. Her workbooks which she discounted for me. Also starpowa lions mane gummies I’ve found helpful each day. And I have the empathetic life struggle. Sensitive male. It’s up and down.

And Peter walker. Find him on podcasts and YouTube. Book good too on cptsd. Helped me stop the self critic, that was the biggest help I got from him I’d say

I’ll stay if you stay. My internal monologue always stops me. The memories kick in and my people pleasing which ironically puts me here is the very thing that pulls me back. Idk. I’ll just sit here with you. What else do we have but each other even if we are just done. Maybe that’s the point is to just sit and do and have nothing. Didn’t Buddha say that same thing or some sh*t? IDK, man. I’m here for it tho.

Please consider that "a coincidence" and "your fault" aren't the only options in this situation. Say there were a serial killer that chose his victims on the basis of being blonde. Is that a coincidence? No, of course it isn't. So does that make it their fault? Again, no. Nobody in their right mind would blame them for being blonde. So what I'm getting at is, it seems likely that you have a bunch of people working their way into your life, taking advantage of your being kind and empathetic. Not a coincidence, they're choosing to do this for their own benefit, but also, most definitely not your fault. Keep being kind and empathetic, but also take a hard look at the people around you - are they being kind to you? If not, they don't deserve to be around you. Try thinking about it as if you have a friend in your exact situation? What would you say to them? What would you think they should do?

And most of all, hang in there, we're all cheering for you!

Yesssss! Thank you for pointing that out. Getting through the fawning to the other side of setting boundaries and not appeasing is so key. We have to learn for ourselves what that looks like. It ain't easy 🤗🤗

You're in a bad, bad place. There's a part of you that tells you it's because you deserve to be there and things will never change. I was there at 21 too. I'm 48 now. I'm not gonna lie, life has not been easy and there's been a lot of pain. There's no magic pill or clever trick that will fix things.

But my two cents worth is that you should try to hang in there. There will be moments, perhaps years, of joy and lightness. I've experienced things, profoundly good things, that my 21 year old self would not have thought possible for me, things my 21 yo self profoundly believed I was unworthy of. There are still struggles (I still feel unworthy of being loved sometimes) but I endure.

My suggestions? Be as gentle on yourself as you can. Our inner critic is a terrible thing, whispering in our head that the worst things we fear about ourselves are true. They're not true. Those horrible negative thoughts about you are a distortion. A little bit of truth twisted into a lie. Second tip: focus on trying to be a good person. Not a saint, just someone who is kind. Not for reward, or recognition, but so you feel proud of yourself. Kindness that does not seek reward is a most attractive trait. It brings good things unexpectedly.