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For those of you who refuse to see your biological family during the holidays, what was your breaking point?
QuestionGod, sometimes someone says something on this sub and it just slots something into place in my brain.
Yes — loved and missed from afar, I go for the requested amount of time and am miserable the whole time, rinse and repeat. I visited for my niece’s birthday earlier this year and just had this moment of clarity - my family is miserable when we’re together. They were petty and immature and rude. At a child’s birthday
This year, I’m listening to that lesson. I’m getting there in time for lunch, spending the night because it’s a four hour drive and leaving early afternoon the next day.
Good for you for being unapologetic in your boundaries! 👏
Maybe your Cake Day is a placeholder for your liberation,
So Happy HAPPY Cake Day!
This.
I may visit from now onwards for cousins and uncles or aunts - those I know (so far) that are not toxic. But many relatives disrespected me (even my career!) and badmouthed people (me included) behind their backs, and I don't want to participate in that. I never did, even and some I even actively defended until I reached my last drop of energy and tolerance. They won't change. They simply don't care about where that puts you unless they have something to gain from it. There's barely an occasion that I can recall where it didn't have escalate to some form of verbal abuse or harassment, or exclusion towards me and other relatives that were branded as "black sheep" or scapegoats because we refused to partake in any of the drama.
This, exactly, is what I've gone through. I'm so sorry. 🫂 no matter what you do or say (or don't, even), they'll always nitpick at you. They'll always find fault and misery and try to bring you down to their level. I miss feeling some type of family closeness during festivities, especially, but I never fully found it due to constant tension and drama from full-blown toxicity in that environment... and they don't care. It's not our duty to "fix" what they won't fix themselves. We're not here to be disrespected.
I’m so sorry that you can relate. ❤️ It’s never a (minor or adult) child’s duty to fix the situation a parent has created.
It really isn't. The thing is, they dragged people I loved (and thought I could trust) to it. And because no one respects my boundaries, I had to resort to NC. Sadly. Unless you really go hard on them and limit every form of contact, you won't find peace. To this day, some relatives don't even know the extent of what went on behind the scenes...
Congratulations!
It's such a lonely and hard thing to do.
Isn't it amazing how quickly and how much better you feel after dropping that rope?
Thank you ❤️. It’s lonely, but honestly….so is maintaining ties with people who aren’t loving, supportive, or good for you. It was the most relief I’ve ever felt—I’d been waiting for the moment to do it, so I was weirdly glad that things erupted when they did.
Yes!
You captured it perfectly 🤩
We're such bizarre beasts.
I realized I needed to drug myself with two bottles of wine to tolerate it. Even drunk, it was hard to deal with.
I’m 4 years sober and the only time I REALLY wish I could drink again is when I’m with my family.
Alcohol made the experience so much more enjoyable
I had almost two years of sobriety a few years ago with the help of Covid travel bans, once they lifted & xmas rolled around, I relapsed at the airport awaiting my flight to see my family.
Haven’t been able to stay totally sober ever since, but planning on staying sober for this years visit. Dreading it. Dreading it.
You got this! And remember you can ask for a Friend of Bills at the airport. Apparently it’s a real thing.
Hey, friendly reminder that you are allowed to put your sobriety and your well-being first.
4 years is awesome.
Kids. I had to protect my kids.
Ding ding ding!!! It broke me out of the FOG
Same. I have to protect my inner child.
Came to say this.
I cut my family off this year for that exact reason. How long was i going to let the toxicity continue. I'm lonley as fuck and I have some family I miss terribly. But that's it. I can't anymore
Same
This
Exactly. Those people will never have an opportunity to make my son feel the way I did.
This! I see myself so much in my child and wonder how anyone could treat a child that way. I’ve given my parents many chances to show me they have changed, and they can’t. So here we are
I cut my dad off for CSA and my mom because she wouldn’t stop trying to force me to talk to him.
I'm sorry to hear about this. I went through something similar 🫂
It sucks huh? I’m sorry you went through that too
This will be the first year I dont go to the family holidays. I'm just sick of all the guilt and abuse. They always say how much they miss me, but they never call or reach out. They make fun of anything I do that isn't "manly" in their eyes. My mom uses Xmas as a way of giving extravagant gifts only it's never things I want it's things she likes. As a way to show what a great parent she is except she's never there for the day to day things.
I'm just exhausted, and I'm deciding to accept the reality that thier abusive and not good for me. I still fell crappie about it. We all want a loving family, but unfortunately, not all of us get that.
Sending internet hugs.
I think the Golden Child/scapegoat dynamic is a lot more common that acknowledged.
& some families just keep dumping on the scapegoat, they literally can't do it any other way.
You are more than good enough to everyone else in the world.
Your family just can't tolerate you getting to be a mature, healthy adult w agency.
If I could give you a gift, it would be the gift of being on the other side of having dropped the rope.
It's our love for them despite their behavior that hurts and harms us the most. 🫂
I recognize people's communication styles as escalatory / antisocial versus prosocial and compassionate. My Bio family is the former Lol
Super interesting idea, to recognize communication styles along these patterns. Where did you learn about this or is this a pattern you noticed independently? I would love to learn more about it.
This is something I noticed in people's behavior in dialogue. Body language, volume, tone, etiquette, even something like compliments or covert insults
Into my early 20s I began to recognize I was hypervigilant & on-guard constantly, and I learned this was residual childhood trauma. I went no contact with my family when I realized they are exclusively escalatory
Thank you! I think this is a very wise distinction. My entire family can do nothing but escalate things. All my favorite and chosen people aren't like that.
This! I never considered the communication styles .. They are definitely escalatory.
This holiday season give yourself the best gift that keeps on giving. Go NC!
Instead of wasting money on a plane ticket home go to an all inclusive resort or take a hike somewhere beautiful for the holiday.
Peace is priceless. I why allow them to disturb me? I quit in 2002. Other people’s families took me in until I had a family of my own.
For real! I'm going through a loss, and also processing the separation because I have some few uncles, aunts and cousins (especially!) that are dear to me and who I plan to still visit whenever given the chance (and maybe introduce to my partner one day and stuff), or meet the kids of one day. But aside from that, I'm not partaking in anything anymore. If they want to be miserable and/or create drama, that's on them. Literally had a cousin say this once, and they're so right.
It was thanksgiving 2019. I had just started my healing journey, and gotten clean from opiates and cocaine.
I really don't want to get into specifics. But basically, I had my mom ask a question that had a lot of emotional significance to me, of my sister, about a month before. She told me one answer, but when I got to Thanksgiving, I found out she'd lied to me. Which... Okay. No big deal. But it made me cry, and then my dad accused me of "ruining holidays like you always do" and my family went around the table mocking me.
Earlier that day my boss at the time had called me into work. So I asked my mom to drive me home, where I was safe. My dad then accused me of lying about being called into work because "who would hire a stupid a** like you anyway?"
I got in my mom's car, and she said, with a sigh, "Can we just not talk about this right now? I'm having a hard enough day as it is." Remember, the WHOLE problem started because she'd lied, because she's afraid of conflict, and now she was emotionally blackmailing me into silence.
It was so emotionally devastating to me, the whole night, that I almost relapsed. I cut them all off. I will never put myself through that again.
A few months later, my mom called, begging me to let her back in. We had a long talk, where I set some firm boundaries, one of which being she never ask me to go home for the holidays again. She's mostly respected them, and when she doesn't, I tell her I will cut her off again.
My mental health is worth skipping a few family meals.
May I recommend staying at a hotel outside of the family home? I know it’s expensive but you’ll at least have peace of mind.
I don’t see my family at Christmas. First, like you, I never enjoyed going. I did it out of a sense of obligation, and spent so much money on visiting. Second, after discussing the shit I went through with my family, and continued to go through as an adult, my therapist guided me to set boundaries. When my boundaries were ignored, it was time to stop contact altogether. I have been much happier since.
My partner and I stay in a hotel if we visit his family; they don’t really have room for us but even if they did, it’s so necessary to have our own space. I stopped seeing my family for the holidays (or at all) after a horrid family vacation where my parent complained constantly about my brother’s wife. I also caught my parent telling my brother’s children that no one loves them more than my parent/ telling the children bad things about my brother and his wife. I can’t stomach it and refuse to be around that kind of drama anymore.
I downright refuse to stay at my parents. If I didn't have the option of my.in laws I'm the area, I'd stay in a hotel. No way. I can't deal with it anymore
I am NC and They do miss me. They miss hurting me and making fun of me. I’m not playing the games anymore. My mom recent wrote me a letter explaining all of the things that are going on in the family to make me jealous. It’s sad but I don’t really care what’s going on in the family. I know that they’re gross people and I don’t want to see them.
I agree with your statement: "They miss hurting me and making fun of me."
Once you realise this, it makes no contact a whole lot easier!
"I know they're gross people and i don't want to see them." Hit sooo hard. My family of orgin was the same. This is my second year no contact during the holidays and i'm happy !
Same! It is sad that I don’t have a family, but I would rather be alone than be with abusive people. I think our society shames people for being alone, as if something is wrong with them, but I’m starting to see it as more the opposite. It’s powerful to be able to choose who you surround yourself with. It doesn’t mean that people don’t want to be in your life, it means that you don’t have to keep them there.
There was the annual fight, only this time they locked me in the backyard. I had to hop the fence and wait for one of my siblings to come out and give me my shoes, phone, and car keys. My roommate was spending the day home alone by choice and had advised I do the same, when I told her what happened she said “I hate to say this but you need to hear it: I told you not to go. Are you done going through that yet?” She was right so that was the last holiday.
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6mo
I like this idea. I have a family member who lovingly prepared a 'family tree', I was so desperate for connection at the time she showed it to me, trying to find it after a period bouncing around in foster and social care institutions then an uncertain start in adulthood. She was talking about all the people in the tree with their lives and little families .. I saw myself at the end of one branch, hanging there, a kind of solitary leaf without my own branch. It just seemed to emphasise my disconnection. There's the feeling that my story got completely sidelined while this family grew and prospered somewhere else. I've spent so much time politely listening to family pictures being narrated to me, trying to find a way in from the outside. Afraid that my own story somehow spoils that general picture perfect ..
During a family vacation, my sister and my mom were cruel to my 7 year old son and 5 year old daughter. It was like a switch flipped inside of me. I would never allow that to happen again.
I haven’t seen my family in 4 years, and I don't intend to see them again.
Yes! My youngest was about 1-2 and my “mother” yelled at her for “hiding her cane”
This is why the major reason I'm NC. I don't want to have kids and see any of those insensitive, senseless pos subject them to that treatment or worse. I'll go ballistic the day anyone tries to lay a finger of hurt them in any way.
I'm getting to that point.
The less time I spend with my mother, the less time I want to spend with my mother.
It's not one thing. It's a slow pileup of little ones. Scheduling, food, gossip, complaints about everything, allergies... I slip back into defense mode the moment I enter her house.
I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do it. Part of me thinks the only reason I've not gone no-contact is that she has my Lego collection in her basement.
Maybe find a way to sneak the Lego out? ❤
I've been working on it.
It is a big collection. So far, I've rescued about a cubic meter of loose brick. The intact sets will be more difficult
Hi friend! I’d like to make a suggestion. Unless your sets are glued, just start « accidentally » knocking them over. Seem more upset or sad than you actually are, collect that set into a predetermined bag, and take it out.
Alternatively, tell them you are selling your sets and need to take them with you for pictures.
The entire collection is in storage bins.
The problem is the quantity of bins and, in some cases, the size.
I figured out that more often than not, heartfelt collections hide memories that just are unbearable to remember, undo its conditions, and heal from. Do you kind of agree? There must be a way though, certainly. In my case, I packed a suitcase and a backpack and just... left... it was sudden. It reached a breaking point. I felt myself go pale and dehydrated and thought "it's going to get dangerous if I stay here even three more hours"
Haha - you made me realise that part of me keeping up contact was for very similar reasons. My collection of books. Every visit I would check on my collection, left with a view to taking it off their hands once I had a more stable living situation sort out. Worst thing was basically being lied to when I checked on my stuff claiming there wasn't anything in the house anymore, kind of gaslighting me I suppose to make me think I'd actually took everything. I hated leaving them to clutter up someone else's lives. But these books were important to me, something I had collected and something that had nourished me. Eventually found out they had just sold the lot and put the money towards a cheap package holiday. Pretty much sums it all up.
I asked for a police escort to go in and get my stuff. If you’re ready to go full NC may as well go full bore lol
I'm just tired of being seasonal decor. If they care about me they can make an attempt to talk to me on days other than Christmas and my birthday.
This... Is this what we are to them?
Seems like that's all I've ever been to my family.
I feel that with my extended family. I was always kinda "my mother's kid" and no one really cared to build connections with me, outside maybe my one aunt. When I turned 18yo, it was the first time I ever got so many birthday messages, though I ironically didn't feel happy. My literal first thought to many was "wait, you remembered I was born?"
My breaking point was after having lunch with an aunt and uncle who where visiting from out of town. After they kept on carrying on why I wasn't at a cousin's wedding and digging up the past - mentally said "fuck this." When it came to the wedding - I didn't know about it. Because 1. Dad never told me, 2. I was homeless at the time of the wedding (at the time of this lunch - I was doing better), and after getting drunk at my other cousin's wedding (the sister of the cousin they were talking about) I didn't want to go down that path of being like the rest of the family.
It’s hard to be around family without having a home to go to. I do want to have to put on some facade to fake things in front of the people I care for. Choosing to be different is always the hardest thing to do for yourself. It’s not that you are going against them, just the typical cyclical nature that perpetuates what is not always right
My mom would always want me to come for the holidays and I would go out of guilt and obligation. I also held out hope each year that it would be different, but it was always the same crap. After being at their place for maybe an hour, there was nothing to talk about. My dad would say things like "don't use all the hot water" and "you'd better not be using my wifi". I got tired of going, spending a small fortune on travel expenses to be treated like a burden. UGH!
Every time I was near them or thought of them I felt suicidal. By the end it was a nesr constant feeling and I knew something had to give so I said it's over.
It was Christmas a few years ago. Everyone was drunk and pissed off about the Covid shutdowns (bunch of MAGAts). My stepmom’s mom started yelling about how we should go kill the governor because all the bars were still closed. Everyone was drunkenly yelling in agreement. I stood up and left and haven’t joined them since.
I never really felt like I even had the option of refusing to see my dad and stepfamily during the holidays (I would go mostly just to spend as much time as I could with my dad who had Parkinson's Plus, make sure he was okay, reassure him that I loved him more than anyone and would never forget him, help him out with things/accommodate him in ways that I knew my stepmother didn't...I don't think I'll ever get over my guilt from fleeing to the Midwest and essentially leaving him at her mercy for six years), but I certainly can relate to "the confusing experience of being told how much you're missed and loved and a part of the family throughout the year when you're far away," only to arrive/spend a day or two there, and realize that once again, the likelihood of words meeting actions is basically nil.
Wow. I feel this. I love my Dad, but the woman he married 25 years ago..is pure evil. I always felt obligated to go to holidays because of my Dad. But I always felt excluded and like an outcast. My Dad also has Parkinson's... I'm so sorry your Dad had to endure that, and for you to go through it as well. Recently my stepmother treated my son's cruelly. I cut her off. I feel horrible because I know it's going to limit my time with my Dad. But I will not stand for my children to be subject to that, and allow her to treat them as she treated me as a child.
I am so sorry that you and your kids had to go through the same thing - no one deserves that. 💗💗💗
It's a different situation but I have been sidestepping family gatherings altogether on my mother's side when I realized I couldn't sit at the same table as my abuser (a cousin who SA'ed me) and their enablers anymore. It's been years and it has been the best gift I could give myself during the holidays. This year, I'll be celebrating with my boyfriend (currently in NC with his abusive parents for the first time), so this has a new meaning for the both of us.
My sister using my niece and nephew as weapons against me. I love them so much. I miss them SO MUCH. But I can't.
My mother uses my little sister. I'm very sorry.
Besides everything?
My relatives saying, “do you know how much it hurts us that we only get to see you on holidays?”
I was like peace out. You don’t get to see me anymore.
My god, this.
WARNING: WALL OF TEXT INCOMING IN WHICH I COMPLAIN ABOUT MY SITUATION.
And "you never visit." Like, okay that's true—I don't. I don't have a car. I have to wait until my spouse is able to drive, but then I've gotten the indication that he and his family aren't wanted. My in-laws are very good people. We've been together for almost two decades. So I brought my nice in-laws over a few years in a row just to kinda mix my family because I was so happy that I had more people and a mom, finally. I just wanted to share them, if that makes sense?
But then I got "you spend more time with them. We just want you to come by yourself." This is all my sister speaking. My niece and father never said it. But my sister uses "we," so who am I supposed to think she's talking about? Her and her cats?
Like, fine. I'm trying to do that this year, but I'm still bringing my spouse. I just feel so defeated over it. I've told all of them they're welcome to visit me any time they want, and only my dad does. Sometimes my niece will come over and I really love that. She's an amazing person, and I love her so much. My sister will drop by if she needs something.
This past year and a half has been really tough. I've also lost a lot of weight that I'm desperately trying to gain back. Dad brought me a scale, which I wasn't offended by. I was underweight by a severe degree while I was in the middle of a breakdown. So I gained weight. Lost some of it. But I still weigh more than I used to.
I kindly asked my sister to not comment about my weight. Immediately, she said, "I'll cry if you're under X number of pounds."
I don't want them to be uncomfortable looking at me. It's like they know I have PTSD, so I'm just at my breaking point. I told her I'm focusing on my mental health because that's more of a threat to me than being underweight. I hate it, I feel gross, and I'm insecure about how I look. Like, just give me a break from the comments. Please? No.
To be fair to my sister, she's had an eating disorder and has been through a lot of shit. The same childhood I had, plus she was in a long-term relationship with the worst man ever. He really fucked her up. So when she lashes out, I immediately used to just get over it. But now, it's getting harder. She's not speaking to me at the moment because I said something kinda shitty, but it was how I felt. I told her that she'd just DARVO'd me over the weight thing. That was so fucking stupid. I wish I hadn't said that. I get why she doesn't want to talk to me.
END OF RAMBLING: Sorry for rambling. I'm trying to navigate this same kind of situation right now. It's hard because I love them and I truly don't believe they're doing this with true, bad intentions.
I'm glad you got out of your situation. I have cut my mother off. I spoke on my own behalf, and that of my sister. That's what started all of this. I do not want to lose my sister and my father, too. But I'm just getting this feeling that they love me, but they do not like me at all. Good for you for standing up for yourself. You deserve that respect, and if you're the only one who can provide it, you did the best thing you could do for yourself.
I hear ya. It’s all about them, never once do they consider someone’s else’s valid feelings (like yours for example).
Thanks for reading all of that. That was very kind of you:)
I don't know what to think really. It's frustrating. I dread the holidays right now. I'd love to just...not. Opt out lol.
cut most of them off when I was taken into CPS care. the rest… my grandma was showing pictures of me and my son to my father right after telling me she hadn’t had contact with him. blocked her and haven’t spoken to her since, she can live in her victim complex. sorry rambling.
but it feels great. my husbands family is awesome and I have a best friend of over 10 years i see when we can. found family is better imo
My brother did something dangerous & illegal about 10 years ago, that could have ended much worse. I testified that he shouldn't get bail for the safety of others in the family. My mother chose his side until she needed money, but by then, I'd learned to say no, so she hasn't spoken to me since. My father passed away a few years ago, so I have no reason to return to my hometown.
Me : "I feel as though I am always the last to know everything"
Her: "Of course not!"
Christmas party at her house, day of, box filled with hand made items I sent updates and info on
Her : "Euuuuh, but Crowasaur, the party has been cancelled for a week, half the family has Covid."
Me : "No one ever told me."
Not interacted with any of them since.
It has been 2 years.
Realizing that holidays should be enjoyable. They're not about obligation visits to "family", even though society likes to push that narrative. They're about getting a break from normal life and enjoying yourself. I'm not going to waste my holidays being around people who make me miserable just because we share some DNA.
Spending time around people you like and enjoy time with can be a nice bonus, but for me the only people who qualify for that is my husband and our cats.
My mom doesn’t seem to have ever wanted me around, so it has been easy to just fade out of her life. Once in a while she apparently remembers I exist and is obligated to send a holiday text to feel like a decent parent. Other family hasn’t bothered either since I tuned 18. We’ve never been close when not forced by proximity.
I have a found family now, things are better.
That was likely pretty awful for a long time. You deserved better.
Congratulations on making/finding the right people for you! 🫂
When going home last year destroyed my mental health to the point of needing a medical leave and tens of thousands of dollars of treatment, I decided I could never go back again.
I was the only one calling out abuse, neglect, homophobia, and racism, and everyone was just being toxic and dysfunctional. I had to go because I needed to work with CPS to get my minor relatives out of their home but the fact that I was the only person out of fifty relatives calling out blatant child neglect and trying to help the kids was too much for me.
And everyone kept talking about people committing crimes and doing nothing about it - like molestation and abuse and neglect and stealing - and I was like holy hell what planet have I returned to. At one point all of my aunts and uncles just dumped out all of their stories of trauma in this horrible trauma dumping evening and I was like this is so not healthy. >.<
At this point all I can do is role model healthy behavior from afar and preserve my own sanity.
I couldn’t break ties so I waited for them to die.
When I chose to swing the kitchen door at her rather than knock the pot of boiling water off the stove to stop her chasing me. On the first Christmas I went home from the Air Force. The door was never unlatched except that one day. I never went back for any holiday ever again. I’m a legal adult, why put myself in situations to have to make those decisions?
It's a long story (always is), but in one very short conversation, my father STRONGLY insinuated that George Floyd deserved his horrific end, berated me for believing in and having a career in science, and finally, used the n-word to refer to my ex-boyfriend (who is black). I calmly interrupted my father, saying "I am hanging up the phone now. Goodbye" and I'm sure I'll never hear from him again.
I'm so sorry that your father is not a kind person. But good for you for having reasonable boundaries and not continuing to try while he disrespects you and your values. He just doesn't get it, and might not ever, or might get it on his deathbed. Anyway, hugs to you.
Re breaking that hope of expecting different family of origin members to have replaced the ones you were delt: the book that was instrumental in breaking my hope sufficiently to keep me from acting on those delusions was "adult children of emotionally immature parents" by Lindsay Gibson
Tho confession: despite being over a year and a half NC with my father, I did spend like an hour today crying about missing him and then about realizing that my desire to somehow go back and try to communicate with him even for the sake of "facing my fear" was just another variation on me thinking "I can fix him/convince him to be a totally different person if I just x." Point being: that trauma bond can still rear up and I think holiday season it can get extra bad. It's just now I have enough understanding of how futile and damaging that relationship is that I don't ACT on those feelings. And they have diminished in frequency and intensity over time, even if these flare ups do still happen
The only one I refuse to see is my "father", that is, my main abuser. And well, we live in the same house but he can't walk, so I stay upstairs and he can't climb them to come beat me and my brother up so the only person he verbally abuses is my mother who decided to be a martyr and not send him to an asylum like he deserves (and she agrees, but she's weird about it and was also abused, it's complicated). And basically what happens is when the family comes over we embarrass him by simply refusing to sit at his table or even stand in the same room as him. It sucks but that's how it is. And sure, some family members try to guilt trip my brother and I into speaking to him, but it's over. He wished us death, so he is dead to us. Merry Christmas.
This year I am dogsitting over thanksgiving and we aren't having any family get together because my gramma is in the hospital. I have to be honest I am relieved to not have to see my family on thanksgiving. It kind of just fell in my lap this year, but my breaking point was when I saw them starting to do and say the same shit to my younger cousins that they did to me.
Him beating my dog.
The second I turned 18. I couldn’t take it anymore, I knew I needed to get out of there. I couldn’t take the abuse anymore, I saw a door open in my life and I sprinted to it.
I haven't spoken to my family, or seen them in a decade or more, depending on the person. Probably the time my dad drove 8 hours to bang on my door, then berate me and rub oil on my head (some kind of religious thing?) I was in my 20s.
Im almost 37 now and honestly my life is so much better without them. however the way I was raised was very cold/unaffectionate, i bounced through some foster care/group homes before being given back to them so I am very fine on my own. I never had the holiday family gathering thing so I don't miss it.
I held out with my mom a bit more (until she got full into the q/conspiracy deep end). I really remember one day she called me asking why I hadn't come to a family gathering that was 4 blocks away from where I worked at the time. Keep in mind all of the family lived hours or states away, I lived in NYC, and they all met up in NYC (my brother from the west coast, my sister from the south, others from upstate, 6+ hours away). Everyone met up 4 blocks away from where I worked, no one thought to invite me, no one even thought about me while I was there. My mother only asked me why didn't come after it ended and she had driven 4 hours back home.
My parents are divorced and they would always involve me in huge fights over who I would spend the holidays with. One year I told them I would visit with whichever was better behaved, and one side of the family figured it out and I spend holidays with them. The other did not.
When I started going to therapy and realized how absolutely unhinged and inappropriate it was for them to call me an attention-seeking whore for wearing a skirt to our Christmas family reunion... when I was 14 YEARS OLD.
I'm 27 now and I'd rather not hang around people who view CHILDREN like that.
My breaking point was my QAnon parents putting colloidal silver in my partner’s drink without telling us. When told later I asked why and my mother said that since he had a cold she was just gona “cure” him with it. She said that she knew he’d never agree to drink it otherwise so she just put it in his drink without telling him. I guess she thought that when he magically recovered later he’d think her quack cure worked and become a believer.
This wasn’t even the tip of the iceberg but it was the tipping point for me.
The last time we spoke i was so stupid to ask for help after my flat burned out under suspicious circumstances.
We were supposed to meet at 1200 so i busted my ass to get a new flat, take care of bureaucracy stuff and when i arrived exhausted had they already thrown EVERYTHING away.
I only saw the dumpster truck drive away.
I was literally left with nothing, all the proof of anything i've ever achieved gone, anything i ever had, anything that had any emotional value.
And that after i just managed to get out of a wheelchair after an occurrence that left me crippled with tbi.
That was when my entire family was dead to me.
when my mom gave me the silent treatment because i "treated her birthday like an afterthought and didn't make her a priority" (I got her a card, cake, and vintage corelle dishes) (the day after her birthday I would be taking a huge certification for work and was studying like crazy for it)
whatever takes my focus away from her voids anything that I do for her, and I was fed up with it.
I also was over playing into her act of putting on a big family gathering where she got to be the center of attention and make sly comments in front of others to put me down. I would end up drunk as hell and live up to the problem child role, which fed into her shit even more
I think properly grieving the lost experience of having a normal mom is what helped me the most. also spending the holidays with my friends really helped me come to enjoy the holidays when I really hated them before
I couldn't stomach pretending everything was ok. It's truly something out of the twilight zone to be in a room full of people pretending to be happy, when everyone "secretly" hate each other and will throw snide remarks and gossip behind their back as soon as they leave the room. I honestly think the family who keep up with the charade are addicted to the toxicity, because if they were to cut it out, they wouldn't know how to cope with their emotions.
My mother pretending we are functioning as family while she is oblivious of how generic and simple our conversations are, i know nothing about my family even though i lived with them for 18 years. And then they wonder why i spend time with friends rather with them, when a friend can be more vulnerable with me in one day than my family in whole 18 years.
My son went out with my dad for a bike ride. A couple days later I noticed bruises that looked like a grab mark. I knew right away, because he’d left those exact bruises on me in the past. Of course he tried gaslighting me and sending a video of my son catching the bike when it was swaying and he said of course the bruises were from that (it was obvious they weren’t. Plus my son told me that my dad grabbed him at the skate park when my son didn’t want to leave)
Christmas Eve a few years ago, grandma constantly told stories that went nowhere, refused to help coordinate what the plan was for the evening, then constantly called me into the other room to shit talk my uncle behind his back ( who was in the other room), then tried to guilt Trip me into not going to work the next morning. She constantly talked about how she wanted my uncle to leave, even though he didn't have a car and the bus wasn't running, and she'd promised he could stay the night. Also he's pretty much homeless. Every time I offer to drive him to the friend he was welcome at, she turned me down. We ended up not getting dinner or going to church and just listened to her ramble on..
She acted like my uncle is a serial killer who would murder them the moment I step out, which for all his many faults is very far from the truth. Like I'm the only thing keeping my grandparents and mom from getting violated and murdered.
In truth, he's been the scapegoat youngest child who was never loved, because he was an accident born on the pill and May not even be my grandfather's kid. He's never been violent.
He's been a lifelong pothead who just recently got sober and stayed sober for about a year and a half because he got a home health care job that lets him borrow a car. It's a known fact that if he and Grandma are on the same room it's only a matter of time before one of them upset the other, even if he's really trying to be on his bedt behavior.
I ended up telling her to call the police if she thinks she needs to, and that I'd offered many times to drive him somewhere and was told no, and went to work. I have to work holidays because I pay my own bills.
Then during the evening, she said "your mother didn't have to have you, you know" My very Catholic grandmother who insisted on dragging us to mass every Christmas Eve.
Last year at Thanksgiving she pretty much called me the second coming of Scrooge because I can't get the day off and have to work. It was the same for Christmas, she was furious that I didn't drive 3 hours after a 17 hour shift to go visit them and bring roast duck. She was furious that I waited until 7:00 p.m. that day to call them, when I got home and passed out.
Why don't you stand up for your uncle? How can you suggest calling the police on him by your actually unhinged grandma? The uncle needs to go no contact with you all, they deserve way better than this rubbish you've written up
He should go no contact. His friends have told him as much. And yet he still insists on trying to drive Grandpa on errands once a week if possible. He tries so hard, but life constantly messes with him. I think he's guilty about the time that my grandparents got him an apartment for years and he couldn't keep up the rent so they sold it.
The police comment seemed a good idea at the time. If she's that concerned and he's that much of a problem. I also had far more faith in the police in those days. Also perhaps the full depth of her unhinged behavior didn't sink in yet.
A few years ago? The recent version of the ugly way I've acted for survival. Being the relatively golden only grand kid who was hoping for an inheritance ( that there isn't going to be), and a lifetime of a complicated relationship with said uncle whose always been rightfully jealous.
Doesn't help that there the last family I've got, and they took my mom and I in when we were homeless and paid for a semester of college so I could get my financial aid back, and a used car at the tail end of college.
Now, I'm one of the only people in the family who will take his calls. I like to think our relationship has somewhat improved. I've tried standing up for him, but it goes nowhere.
Nothing I say to Grandma will sink in or get through. She continues to invite him to events, he continues to show up and it inevitably turns ugly.
I'm low contact with my grandparents, and mom who is their caretaker. If it wasn't for Mom I'd probably go no contact, but she stuck there.
Dad threw Christmas tree across the living room and also tried to strangle me. I don't think he recognized me. No thank you.
I snapped over something relatively minor and have been no contact since.
I agree with the experience you have described. I think they need an emotional punching bag, so the niceness at a distance is to simply lure you back in to punch you again.
It fits the description of the "cycle of abuse". The cycle won't end until the initial need for the emotional punching bag is addressed.
December of 2021. Spent almost 1,000$ and got stuck in the airport for four whole days without my meds and got very sick, only to be insulted on my birthday and completely disregarded for the whole visit. Went VLC with my family in august after my mother blamed me for her enabling my abuser, claiming I wanted it. That was the last straw. The holidays this year are going to be very bittersweet. This is my first year alone.
I dont want to be a slave or deal with drama. It was mouse shit on a cheese board that did it for me
When I realized that the thought of being forced to see my parents again made me want to cry. And when one police officer talked to my dad on the phone on my behalf... while another police officer hugged me and told me that everything would be okay.
I confronted my parents about their abuse in 2007. They told me I was not "honoring" them and we haven't spoken since.
My mother had done the whole silent treatment thing after I came out. I tried to keep sending her gifts (really nice ones she loved!) for her bday, Xmas and Mother’s Day for like 7 years with no call or acknowledgment from her so I stopped. Year 8 I got messages from my siblings asking where my mom’s gifts were and I said she obviously didn’t appreciate them so there was no point in me wasting the money. Year 9, for my bday, she sent a cheap little mass produced keychain gift that had a poem about mothers and daughters and how she would always love me etc.
She kicked me out for being gay. Me, the daughter she sexually molested. And then got sad I stopped sending her gifts
I’d had enough and went no contact. That blew up the relationship between me and my sister.
But you know what? My life is a lot more peaceful. I wish I’d cut contact much sooner, though I have compassion for my younger self who just wanted to be loved by her mom.
Anyway, I haven’t even called her for the holidays in about two or three years now. Much less stressful.
This will be my 6th Christmas celebration alone, and it’s epic. So peaceful and calm. I was scared I’d feel lonely at first but it’s quite the opposite. Highly recommend!!
It was the first covid Christmas. My fiancee says I have never been the same since that day. Lost my optimistic outlook on life.
My mom asked me to help make a special gift for the extended family since we weren't getting together this year. I spent two months putting everything together. The plan was for her to drop off the gifts on Christmas Eve since I had plans with my fiancee to pick my brother up who lived 3hrs away.
Come Christmas Eve, I find out that my brother had already been in town for 2 days without anyone telling me. I asked my mom about it and she was upset that no one told her either, which was a lie since she later told me my older brother picked him up. She ends up telling my brothers how pissed off I was at them (untrue) and some other shit.
At 9pm, she calls to tell me she's not feeling good and asked for me to drop off all the gifts. I obliged. I was out until 2am visiting and driving around ( I have 6 aunt's and uncles). I tell my mom I won't be over until 8:30-8:40 am because I still need to wrap my own gifts and get some form of sleep. She blows my phone up at 8:30 demanding where I was. As she's calling the second time to scream at me I'm literally pulling into the driveway (8:35am) still on time given the 10min window I gave her.
I'm greated with cold and angry faces from not only my mom but now my brothers because of what she pulled on Xmas Eve. She demands I get started on cooking breakfast since they've been waiting for me for an hour now. I make pancakes and bacon, thank God my fiancee was there to help me. We get everything done to find out all that was left was 1 pancake that we had to share. I'm pretty annoyed at this point but it's nothing new.
We get started on opening gifts. My mom made us all create a list of things we need/want. My brothers got EVERYTHING on their lists. I got one thing and a cheap facebook add necklace that she "splurged on the light up box" it came in. My brothers got me nothing. Fiance received nothing. We made an excuse to leave and I broke down. I know we're told it's not about receiving gifts it's about giving. But it does suck when you give SO much time, energy, money and you're then given nothing and treated like shit.
I started distancing myself from them and started therapy. Last year was the first year I didn't attend ANY family function or holiday. It was met with a lot of angry texts and phone calls that I happily ignored.
TLDR Version: When your parents only want you to exist on their terms.
I don't remember when it exactly happened. It was a combination of things really. Whenever I would visit it would be constant criticism about everything. I couldn't do anything right:
- Why aren't you married yet
- Where are our grand children
- Why aren't you dating
- You will never get a wife if you keep doing ______
- I should hold you down and force you to get a haircut.
- WE will pay for a haircut if you get one
- you should consider getting a haircut
- why do you dress that way. No one will ever want you if you dress that way
- you are such a lard ass.
- you are going to be dead by the time you are 30
- Well you wouldn't have that problem if you had a woman to take care of that for you
- We've done so much for you, you are just ungrateful
- You clearly hate us or you'd call and visit more. We just didn't do enough for you
- Oh yeah we are so bad, we clothed you, fed you, sent you to school. So bad
- We never said that/did that
- We are making _______ you need to thank us
- Look at all these nice things we got you. You need to be more grateful. (these were things they wanted for me, not things I wanted or needed)
- You can't have those kind of friends. What will people think?
- *mother crying* You are secretly gay. why are you doing this to us (i'm not gay... atleast not in the way they think; im trans and attracted to women on the rare occasion i have any attraction)
- How dare you give us this present!! ( it was a blue ray player with internet connectivity so that they could have netflix plus a free year of netflix, it costed me all of my money that I had and I was super proud of it). I was yelled at and screamed at for giving a fucking gift, and a nice one at that
I slowly disconnected more and more. Honestly everytime I was there, to add on top of that I was incredibly bored. Why would I want to drive 10 hours each way just to sit on the couch and watch tv with them or watch my dad go geocaching. Half the time I was there was me fixing their computer or being criticized almost constantly
One year I didn't have the resources to go home, not that I wanted to because of all of the bad memories so I stayed where I was, too care of the cats of my friends who did leave town, had my holiday meal in a huddle house, and just absolutely enjoyed myself doing those simple things. I never went home again so far. I doubt I ever will because of the drama that would happen if I showed up with a feminized body.
When I saw that behaviors that are detrimental to my mental health will never change.
I don’t see my mother or her side of the family (includes my grandparents who are oddly still around, aunts, uncles, cousins) at all during holidays or any other time of year because honestly there is no bond and we are so fragmented it’s just awkward and depressing. I was raised mostly by my saint of a (paternal) grandmother, poppop and later as a teen by my abusive father. Mom left when I was 6 but it was a complicated issue including her being a teen mom, her own trauma and mental illness and DV….I’m an only child. I’m 46, married, with 2 girls (12 & 14) and they are my first priority.
ETA: everyone on my dads side include my dad has passed so I definitely don’t see them lol
I realized that idolized fictional loving Disney mothers in movies and media bc I don’t have one. And when I had kids, I wasn’t going to expose that to them either. And that family doesn’t need to be blood to matter to you. If your friends, coworkers, partners, or even neighbors bring what me and my friends call the “A24 movie glow” filter to your world and your blood does the opposite.. it’s time to let go. I know it’s hard because they were there your whole life, but change is always scary in the beginning. But trust me your mind and soul will thank you <3
I am avoiding phone calls from my grandmother and not playing the VM. I am not talking to any relatives.
I just can't. I am trying to get my husband to go to his parents and I will stay home and maybe scramble some eggs.
I found out my dad victim blamed someone close to our family who was SA by a church leader who they had already heard was a creep.
I was going through schizophrenia and psychosis, which tbh saved me but I can explain this in another post if anyone is interested, and there was this huge feeling I woke up to: my father was planning to push my buttons until I landed in prison or jail, at the very least, he's an unhealed 'genius' evil plan-go-getter unfortunately, and in a haze after living there for 2 or 3 years on and off, I packed my suitcase quickly and left. I didn't know how I would make it. I got my birth certificate back shortly after--I paid someone to essentially be my bodyguard/friend. Without living with them I know I would have been too mentally ill to survive on the street, and end up truly on the street, however living with them was the same feeling of being on the street since they are hardcore liars and criminals under such surface level acceptance from peers.
*edit: I placed the apostrophes on the genius part because unfortunately the biological father is a genius psychopath, but I don't believe it's necessary to be intelligent to be morally sound and human, because he wasn't. My bio mother isn't either. They're very sick people and I'm glad I'm out of there. I would eventually go back, but with people I love or paid to guard me, because they ended up being shell of human beings that rely on me being sick or mentally unwell to thrive in this western society, to hide their crimes. Eh. Whatever. No one will believe me until I fit the mold but who cares. I'm way better now after no contact than anyone I know could have ever imagined.
my “father” accused me of stealing $7k from him that he put into my account. not sure why he needed to hide his money from his wife but he did it in my bank account and then accused me of stealing when I asked him why it was there. I blocked his number so fast, closed the account, and sent the money to my “sibling” so I didn’t have to deal with him again. he lost the plot years ago, super anti-LGBTQ (he’s a liberterian (conservative) entrepreneur type —the worst) and this was the final straw. it happened in may so not too long ago. it’s been rly hard so far but I am not unblocking any of my abusers. hoping for the best for you and for all of us ! 🤍
My dad hasn’t seen me in 5 years and my uncle SA’d me when he put his hand down my shirt last Christmas and SA’d my mom July 4th. My other family members don’t understand why I won’t go to holiday get togethers when he is there but I don’t feel like I need an explanation.
I stopped all contact. The trigger wasn’t worth whatever benefit I got from the interaction. And neither parent can/will acknowledge my childhood. I can’t heal that way, so I’m moving on without them.
While my parents have all gotten a LOT better since my childhood, and I enjoy being around them more, it's still pretty hard on my nervous system since there's a lot of hypervigilance. I still heavily mask around them.
Last year I stayed with them a week and while it was nice that they did a bunch of logistical stuff for me (especially since I'm chronically ill and logistical support is incredibly valuable to me), but I crashed for a couple weeks after. It was just too exhausting being around them.
From now on it'll be no multiple days there or MAXIMUM a couple days.
I’m 17. I went into care by my own hard work because social services didn’t believe me. I’m now diagnosed with C-PTSD.
Holidays are hard. Everyone talks about family and stuff that I’ve already unblocked my mother for the sake of not wanting her to be sad for Christmas. She abused me but yes she tells me now how much she misses me and loves me. It’s confusing I want to love her back but I’m also scared and kinda angry at everything she did and now she just flips the table.
Your not alone with the confusing feelings
When my father finally signed over his rights to the state. Haven’t been to a family holiday since I was 14 years old.
My dad would rather be at his new girlfriend’s beach house in Mexico for thanksgiving than see his grandkids so we do the holidays just hubby, me, and the kids. He’s had a “no travel during the holidays” policy for years but somehow the beach house doesn’t count. Hubby’s family is a toxic mess so our kids don’t get a lot of time with extended family.
when they backed my abusive ex instead of me when i fled him right before christmas last year . and i did hear plenty of that bullshit about missing me during this year , even amidst the custody battle they started & eventually came out the other side with my baby .
The only things they would ask about were when I would get married and have kids. Or they would tell me I got fat. It was never a nice, supportive conversation. Cut them off 10 years ago and never regretted that.
My sister and I got disowned for reporting my brother as a repeat offender pedophile. So, when we told them that we were happy to not be in contact they freaked out and tried to manipulate us back in. But they already showed their cards. Our brother matters, we don’t, to them at least. That was enough.
2 of my cousins have kids with abusive people. My aunt and grandma who I always thought were great simply treated it as the latest topic of gossip. You know, taxes, the election, and a 3 year old coming home covered in bruises. Gossip...
She showed up late and was on something (cocaine probably, at the very least it was snortable) and ruined the entire evening portion of Xmas, had a big fight with my sister and blamed me for it, and never apologised.
It wasn’t the first thing or even the worst thing but it was the thing that made me just… give up somewhere inside. She will never change and I can’t be bothered with it anymore. I’ll see her on her deathbed maybe but before then, not bloody likely
Choking
After getting older and being away... I don't know how else to put it, my mother is extremely disingenuous to the point of feeling like she has to feign slight hysteria over anything and everything and it's driven by selfishness cause she knows people will comply or deal with escalations of it. That is just normal day to day stuff, not getting into some of her special moves. Just done. 16 years was enough and she hasn't changed or grown at all. Oh, and now she likes Xanax a bit too much. She is just a shell. I know she went through shit too but there is a limit to what I will subject myself and the people I love to.
When my uncle physically assaulted me and my grandparents told me to leave and not him. I stopped coming around altogether, until my grandmother was dying of cancer.
When as to move back in, post divorce. I realised that yes, it was as bad as I remember, and no, I'm not doing it anymore.
It has ruined the holidays though. Between my birth family and my ex husband family, because his mom was also a narcissist, I truly and deeply loathe Christmas. The entire buildup that is so happy and exciting for everyone is triggering and months and months of dread. I shut down mentally and basically run on standby mode on the day. Sorry, the dayS. Christmas Eve birthday and a call with my family, Christmas day birthday and a call with my family, second Christmas with partners family.
And on top of it, during the holiday hellscape there are SEVEN birthdays I have to deal with. I am poor. Seven birthdays plus 8million presents isn't something I can afford. I have three non Christmas birthdays in my life.
January is entirely devoted to Christmas recovery.
After a week from hell about five years ago, I realized my limit was about 48 hours. I stuck to that for awhile. Then about a year and a half ago, I moved to a fairly remote place away from the family I grew up with. I’ve learned so much from the family I have here. When I make mistakes no one gets mad at me. Nobody yells. Ever. I’m not forced to sit at a table with people who have caused unspeakable harm. It’s like nothing I’ve ever known. It’s definitely still hard to trust that it’s true. But I’m slowly learning that when they say “I love you” it means something completely different than what I grew up thinking love was. And I don’t ever want to go back. So I haven’t. I used time and travel as excuses last year and have used them again this year. But I’ve started limiting other contact more and more. And it’s definitely taking time and there are days when it is hard, but honestly it’s been one of the best choices I’ve ever made.
My dad gave my mom covid - knowingly. She almost died. My new husband and I visited for the holidays and they didn’t tell us they were sick before we got there. They also got my high risk little brother sick.
Every year before that, for 10 years, I said I wouldn’t be back the next. But the guilt took over and I kept going back. This was 2 years ago now when that was it for me.
My therapist has noticed this is one area where my protector parts are coming out in full force, and that is more than okay and warranted.
It’s time to look out for ourselves.
When I realised that my mom was always going to be on the side of the most dysfunctional family member.
anyone else have the confusing experience of being told how much you’re missed and loved and a part of the family throughout the year when you’re far away, only to be treated like dirt and a burden or disappointment when you actually show up?
Before I went No Contact with my family, it was that, being berated or being ignored. My mom even kept promising she'd come visit, then she'd cancel the visit to go visit my narcissistic sister instead. I often got those "You have to come to ... with us, and then being mostly ignored by family.
When I realized that really I'm just sick form of entertainment to them. They always call me a loser and act like they are golden gods. I got sick of seeing them with their toys, four wheelers wifi.and other shit they never let me use. Their pretty shifty people no matter how great they think they are.
When my father used a trick and force to put me in the presence of my brother (who at the last meeting before that tried to kill me).
Being lied to about last year. Was told it was going to be our immediate family of 8. The. The last minute had another 20 people dropped on my head. Ended up eating in the basement with my immediate family while her and hubby #6 family all ate upstairs. She tried to guilt trip and I called for a I'm not going back. Made that promise. Told her in sept I wasn't going. Went no contact in October
Trying to establish a kind of boundary for yourself seems like a good approach to feel better about a situation that leaves you feeling so upset (ie. "3 days instead of a week"). It was something that helped me but I ended up just skipping the visits, spending holiday period on my own in a state of relief (also some guilty feelings). Finding out what you need for yourself is not always straightforward and letting things go can be hard. Your "showing up" and finding the same situation seems so familiar to me, and it takes its toll. You should look after yourself, give yourself what you really need.
When I finally got a job and moved out - something he had been screaming at me to do. He told me that I had shown him just how much he meant to me and to have a nice life.
3 weeks later he berated me for not trying to contact him and to once again told me to have a nice life. He went on to do this 2 more times.
My breaking point was long before I could actually break off contact. At 18 I was done. My relatives even came to my dad’s wake and I didn’t speak to them. I will not be bullied or abused by them ever again.
One year I had a fight with my brother. He and I weren’t speaking, although I was wrong and tied to apologize. I was told he was sitting out Christmas at mom’s (an 8 hour drive for each of us) and going to spend it with dad. I had started a new job, and needed to be back at work by the 26th. I agreed to drive up on Christmas Eve, exchange gifts and eat, then drive home. My mom lied to my brother and told him I wasn’t coming. My youngest brother spilled the beans on the ambush. The brother who was mad at me was also planning on making a similar drive in his much more beat up vehicle. Knowing he would do the drive, see my car and immediately leave, I phoned my dad’s house to tell him. I told him that I know he’s mad and doesn’t have to see me but mom was pulling this without my knowledge or input. He thanked me and said he wasn’t coming.
While this was happening, news of a really bad snowstorm was being reported where a major blizzard was going to converge over where we were staying. Mom tried to convince me to stay later and have the meal. Already furious about the situation with my brother, I left without eating. But because she delayed us, we got stuck in the storm after all. The highways were shut down after we’d been driving all day and the only place we could find was a dirty motel without a functioning shower. Holiday dinner was gas station hot dogs and beer. I never spent another holiday with her again. My brother and I made up after that. We’re both no contact with mom.
The breaking point for me was when my dad burned down an apartment building trying to kill his ex (for the second time) and then said if we believed the evidence against him we weren’t his kids. So I said okay- I’m not your kid. This was the third time he told me I’m not his kid if I don’t do X in my life. I’ve always hated him so honestly it was super easy for me. He has done a lot of other shit since then and thankfully the whole family has excommunicated him but I did so about 10 years before everyone else. And always heard how much he misses me, how I need to be the bigger person, he wasn’t sober when he said those things, I’m being over dramatic, etc. my grandma was the hardest to deal with before she came to her senses. I’d just say I’m not discussing this with you. I’m a grown adult who can make my own decisions whether you think they are right or wrong and if you can’t accept that then we don’t need to talk. End of story. I have a hard time setting boundaries with other people but when it comes to my blood relatives it’s a no brainer for me.
It was decided for me. When I cut off my mom, my family stopped inviting me to things. I WAS invited to a cousin's event (that was difficult to travel to, expensive and a pain to get a place to stay) and endured the silent treatment from almost all of the family, with lots of glares. My mom tried to approach me and my son multiple times despite prior notice that while we might be in the same location, we intended to maintain no contact so she wouldn't embarrass herself. She chose to embarrass herself anyway, of course. I wouldn't go back after the way I was treated there.
The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was when I set boundaries around racist, homophobic, xenophobic, transphobic, conspiracy theory etc. talk around my child and in my home. When I had the discussion with them, they understood and were in full agreement. BUT, they couldn’t help themselves.
My dad also mentioned one day that he gave my 3 yo son a “rap on the knuckles” for something he did and that did not sit well with me. See, my dad would always punish us for things he had not taught us.
They can’t change, they will not change. I thought having grandchildren would let them have a do over… but nope.
There are other things, but it just gets to the point where you are sacrificing your own happiness and health to appease them. My husband even noticed how much my mood changed once I cut my parents out of my life.
I have really shitty Christmas memories from my childhood and I’d rather not relive them every time I see my parents. I’m happy to have my own Christmas with my own traditions with my new family. I’m no longer playing their games
It took a lot to cut my family out of my life. My brother and mother both killed themselves. My dad and sister are still alive. My father makes the rudest comments on the face of the earth. He's been changing the narrative behind long standing family stories (I'm not sure why either). The few times I've reached out for help he's been a stone cold asshole. He brings out toxic behavior instead of setting healthy boundaries. The same goes for my sister. She also loves to go on unholy tirades in defense of anything and everything... She shares the most disgusting content you can find on the internet. Destroys those closest to her through social media platforms. I refuse to speak to either of them ever again. And the rest of my blood relatives are pretty much in the same boat. It would take a small miracle for me to give any of them my attention again.
I’m also limiting my time this year. I’m staying alone in my dorm for 4 days and spending 5 days back with them. I’ll probably keep reducing it. They don’t try to improve the issues that constantly trigger me, so I feel terribly unwell dealing with them. They also don’t believe my PTSD and tell me I’m being ridiculous, while I’m dealing with the affects every second of every day
Cut my family off for good, last week and I'm 28. The relationship has always been strained, parents offered half-assed support and non existent mother figure. My sisters are ableist and don't understand. My 1 younger sister doesn't respect boundaries , so I cut her off. I have no desire to speak with my family. I would rather be alone. The final straw was, when I saw them a few weeks ago and realised, they didn't want me around my niece unsupervised. Not because I'm a danger or anything but they saw years of 0 stability without any input in my younger years. Don't offer an olive branch and blame me, for being hidden homeless. Now I have stable housing, rent paid by housing benefit and I work twice a week. They see me as a disappointment, without trying to have understanding or empathy. They don't deserve me in their lives and I would rather be alone, than ever speak to them again. I realised, they are the #1 trigger in my life.
I got a very late start but hopefully that my life will turn around, within the next few years. Even if I'll be doing it all alone, at least I can say I always had my back.
Told me I should kill myself. Realized they would rather I just kill myself than deal with any of their shit. If they don’t care about or respect me than why would I keep them in my life? People try and guilt trip but I just say straight up that I will never speak to them again if they push the subject.
Continuous disrespect, harassment, verbal abuse, disrespectful of physical and emotional boundaries, guilt tripping, shaming, victim-blaming, defamation, and being downright vile and self-serving jerks who only care about themselves and project their issues onto others or trauma dump all the time while refusing to be accountable and grow in the form of therapy or changing their habits (they never will change, and that has been a difficult fact to accept, especially). I tried and tried to the pint of futility where I was being one of the many scapegoats and verbally harassed to the point of breakdown and intentional isolation. They simply won't change, period.
Also, I am a soon to be postgraduate, and I know that I will not return to live in my country of origin due to the nature of my career path.
Oh yeah, mum missed me, then tried to punch me and screamed at me within a couple of days. Yeah, I learned my lesson. Man it sucked.
If they make you feel so bad, you don't need to go see them. It's not worth it. They're your relatives, not your family, just remember that.
I shut down when things get bad and I hated it. It takes days/weeks to come back from a shut down and sometimes you don't quite get back to where you were before.
Three days! Fuck that. I limit mine to 6 hours or less on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even six hours is hard on me. I'm thinking of going no contact.
I think it was the fact that literally every year my cousins would always get super thoughtful gifts like games for consoles, Xbox gift cards, cash, personalized items that they'd enjoy. And every year I'd get a blank journal or a 10-20 dollar Barnes n nobles card, or some little wooden box to put things in. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the gifts, it was that it was the final straw that made me realize none of my family, the family that "loved" me so much, knew anything about me, or even cared to ask. It embodied the level of effort that they thought I was worth.
I still live with my dad and stepmom. But we don't see anyone else. We moved away.
The family on my mom's side was abusive. The family on dad's side is manipulative. And the family on my stepmoms side has their own thing so we just keep to ourselves.
We used to not care about my mom's side being assholes, it was whatever. But they just got abusive after my grandpa passed.
I started 2023 crying, in the company of my family, but feeling alone, being yelled, mistreated, and emotionally abused by them. I prefer to spend this holidays crying alone. At least I can cry in peace. That doesn’t mean I won’t feel guilt and miss the illusion of my family. But the anxiety and emotional pain is too much.
I see my parents once a week, to drop off groceries if it is too cold for them to go out, especially during the pandemic, to help with things around the house.
On the days I have to help them during the week and I see them more than once, I always say that I have stuff at home and can't get to them. On holidays that fall on a Monday, I will see them on the holiday but not during the weekend. The only holiday I really should be worried about is the christmas/new year holidays. But I usually let those play out. Since I have gone through my therapy and rebuilding, my parents have not been able to last more than two days without driving me away with their actions. I don't even have to lose my temper any more. I just wait for them to get going and then I walk out.
I'm not a glutton for punishment. I do love my parents and want to be in their lives. They refuse to do the work. And then they mess it up themselves. Seeing them once a week is for me. I can handle them for one day a week in person. Less than that is unacceptable and more than that is too much.
I get all of their work done. Any financial/legal/physical work that is needed will be completed. We don't have a relationship other than that because they want me to confide in them and be their best friend when neither of us have spent enough time in each other's company to lay claim to that relationship. And not to mention the other things they put me through. It's not perfect. I'm trying. They are trying but not hard enough because they keep saying they can't change and want me to change enough for them. That's not how healing works.
I don't outright refuse to see them, but they have to ask me (I'm done chasing them), and it's only for a few hours. There are a few reason as to why, and they never question them.
Turning point was when I had to essentially beg to have any sort of Christmas with them one year and instead of spending it with their kid and grandkids they invited the neighbors over and ignored us.i decided I would no longer bend over backwards for anyone after that.
And now my husband is doing the same with my narcissistic MIL. Now that he sets boundaries, she's essentially cut contact, but she refuses to take accountability and, of course, blames him. Like me, he keeps saying, "I'm done bending over backward for people."
The hope is the cptsd. If we were treated like a burden when young, this is a threat to our survival. We internalise that we are not worthy and desperately start seeking approval signs from our caregivers bc this is necessary for survival and we are trying to figure out how to be seen as worthy/therefore safe. They mostly don't give those signs but we still seek them, and keep reengaging with these crappy people hoping to experience it.
I can't even read through these because I'll get all upset at how cruel, blind and ignorant so many people can be/are. Just sending hugs to everyone who has figured out where their boundaries are, and for enacting them reasonably in the face of aggression.
Their damn dogs.
Stupid fuckers are so batshit neurotic from constantly biting and humping each other every damn minute of the day that they just need to be euthanized on the spot.
My grandma already had hip replacements from being dragged around by morbidly obese pugs, and it's a literal fucking wonder how she doesn't snap her damn neck in half from these new shitzus trampling all over her walker.
They have an entire mini couch that they can't even fucking use cause there's a shitty "reserved for the dogs" pillow taking up the whole damn thing and are commanded to eat human ice cream against their will.
After literal fucking DECADES of splurging on everyone else in the family while treating my side of the family like obese trailer trash on top of fat shaming me since I was 4, I got fed up with all the bullshit and made a wishlist of "normal" interests like Pokemon merch.
I did my best to stay within a reasonable budget and all they fucking did was hand EVERYONE a stocking with absolutely no fresh fruit like they usually do. I finally got a sense of relief watching all the spoiled ones finally suffer through the same shit I've gone through with them my whole life.
How morbidly fucked up in the head do you have to be to splurge hundreds to thousands of dollars a month on "spoiling" your outrageously purebred dogs to the point where you can't even afford bags of apples and oranges from the goddamn grocery store?
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My breaking point was realizing that everytime I go home I get physically ill and my depression anxiety symptoms get way worse. I haven’t been at home for a holiday since 2017. Thank God!
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I resonate with so much of that—before finally cutting my family off, I did the same re: shortening my visits to 3 days max after learning the hard way that staying any longer was a mistake. My mother was the queen of doing that EXACT same thing with the whole acting like I’m missed and loved from afar, but making my life miserable once I was actually there in the flesh—it’s an image thing. They do it to make it appear that they’re good people/parents, that they have a picture-perfect family, and that it’s you that’s the problem when you finally burst.
The story of my breaking point is way too long to type here, but I’ll just say that I’m so proud that I walked away and it gives me a sentimental feeling that’s hard to explain, because I know this was a 12-year-old me’s dream. My only regret is not having cut the last cord sooner.