I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRAWorking-Wife

My (30F) husband (30M) of 7 years is really angry that I refuse to quit my job to become a stay at home wife/girlfriend. Not sure what to do

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice & r/TrueOffMyChest

Special thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Previous BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING

Original Post   Apr 2, 2023

Hi everyone. Not really familiar with reddit and having an account but saw this is an online forum for relationship advice and could use some input.

I love my husband and he's an amazing man, but we have flaws like everyone else. We both aged out of foster care and met at a Youth Fulfillment program, basically a work camp that helps kids with no families learn the fundamentals for living, finances, certificates, as needed.

We were both 18 and stayed in contact after the program ended. He made it clear he liked me, but I was truly petrified of men at that point in my life due to past experiences and rejected him a bit harshly. I reached out to apologize and we became friends, then a year or two later I saw he posted he on snapchat he was in my area, I asked if he would want to go on a date so I could practice being comfortable around guys and he agreed.

He never made a move, never touched me, never made weird eye contact. If I said no he didn't ask a second time, not even as a suggestion. We went on these platonic dates for months with nothing happening, and one day I asked for a hug and then asked for a kiss and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We got married a year after and our 7 year anniversary is around the corner.

We agreed we would not even think about having kids until we were older since both of us were the product of young parents. We've really just only focused on getting by on using as little money as possible and saving up every dime to buy a house.

Thankfully, we got our house a few months ago and we were both able to quit our 2nd jobs and for the first time only work regular 9-5s. Yay!! I've discovered I really like gardening and baking and I love having a real home.

We have been discussing adding to our family by having a baby and I feel very ready to be a mom. Scared still, yes, but ready. But my husband brought up how sad I would be if I had t quit since I've worked so hard.

I told him I had zero plans to quit, I would only take maternity leave. Plus my company allows maternal and paternal remote options for 1 year after birth, so I can just work from home if needed. I know its a lot to do with a newborn but giving up the security of my paycheck is simply not an option.

He told me this was what we worked for, to make our own perfect family opposite from what ours were like and I was blindsiding him by changing my plans and I told him no plan has changed, I can have a career and be a mom. Plenty of women do it. He doesn't have to quit his job to be a dad so why should I?

He said it wouldn't work for a babies needs and I told him ok, since I make more money than you do why don't you quit and I go back to work remotely after healing from birth. That way we have both hands on deck and we don't have a severe loss of income as I make $89k/yr and he makes $52k/yr.

He mentioned that if I trusted him fully this shouldn't be a problem. I told him I trust him but I don't trust our current economy, but I left out that I really do genuinely think quitting my job with no savings (wiped out by getting the house) and relying on a man is absolutely stupid.

He had plans made previously with his parents and had to leave so we said we would pick the conversation back up when he gets home but he's very very upset. Madder than I have ever seen him and I don't understand why he just assumed I would quit? Not only do I not understand it, but it makes me trust him a lot less than I did yesterday. I have a bad habit of running for the hills when problems come up and not gonna lie, this is making me really nervous.

Thank you for reading all of this if you have! I'm open ears to what could be going through his mind or why he is thinking like this, really just doesn't seem logical to me. He's been watching all of these videos of stay home wives/girlfriends an di feel like this is influencing him a lot.

Edit:

There was an update to this post. We are no longer together.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

So, this is just my opinion.

I think his childhood and upbringing trauma is playing into this a LOT. This doesn't sound like a situation where he wants to control you like in some posts but more like a situation where he has idealized what a perfect family might look like and so he wants to give his children that.

You two need to go to couples counseling for a while. Figure it out with a therapist to help interced and help him understand. Financial security is important. Hold off getting pregnant until you guys have been in couples therapy for 6 months or so and have begun working towards some common ground.

As for him going off to meet his parents - is it possible having them back in your lives is contributing to this need for a picture perfect family? Just curious.

OOP replied

Thank you for this comment, I've been thinking on it for most of the day now. The parents he went to see are foster parents, but the was some legal issues going on and they had to release guardianship. He lived with them from 10-15 until ending up back at a group home and aging out but they always stayed in contact and he considers them them as parents.

But they never lost contact so I'm not sure if that would be it, but he didn't start seeing them in person again until 2-3 years ago.

I've never thought he was controlling, but we have talked in the past about this type of thing and I have always told him I would never want to be a stay at home mom. Maybe, at most, until they're in elementary IF he was making a lot more money but we're not at the income level/networking level where I can get away with having 5 year gaps in my employment.

Neither of us has attempted therapy again, and most of our experiences were less than pleasant with DHR/child services counselors so I'll see if he's open to the idea.

Update   July 18, 2023

It's been a few days since he came home and told me he met a girl at work and she's "a better woman" than me, and that she has a son already and will be a stay at home wife or girlfriend or whatever the fuck. He gets his happy ending I guess.

He texted me right before I got off work and asked me to pick up food. From one of our usual date night spots.

I got home and noticed his car had boxes in it and a woman I didn't know. I tried opening the door but it was locked and she just looked at me.

What little was left of our savings, he took. And both of our cats. I didn't see this coming at all. I haven't told any of my friends yet. His adoptive parents have been dropping me off food that I can't even force myself to eat.

I haven't cried yet. I'm kind of still in shock. I wish I had a family to run to. But for now the internet has to do. I haven't answered any of his calls or texts. He keeps trying to check in, ask if I'm okay. How the fuck would I be okay?

I never thought he would cheat. I asked him to promise if there was ever someone else he would just tell me as soon as he knew, but they've been together at least 6 months. So while he was calling me selfish for not wanting to put in my 2 weeks and be a stay at home wife, he was dating her the entire time... planning a future with her the entire time...

I feel stupid. I should've taken everyone's advice more literally. When I asked him to go to therapy he wouldn't. His parents think he's have some type of mental break. I should've stayed afraid of him and avoided him. I should've chosen a better outcome for myself. I just feel like the same girl that no one wants to love anymore all over again.

I know what he did isn't my fault, I know I could never stop him and really do I want a man who doesn't want me? Never. But that just doesn't stop it from hurting.

​RELEVANT COMMENTS

Significant-Jello-35

He wanted you to be reliant on him and didn't want you to be smart enough to find out his affair. See if you can dig more info about AP. Go nuclear on them both. You are still young, you can find a new love.

OOP replied

Once I found out she was 20 I stopped caring. Their karma will come one day on its own. I doubt I would be able to stop myself from having to do hard time in prison if I ever see them again.

rivlet

Let's be real: she grabbed onto him with her kid and he'll leave her just as fast as he left OP when he realizes he doesn't actually want what he thinks he wants. Mostly because he'll realize it's not what he thinks or its way too hard for him to do.

OOP replied

His mom (adoptive) called me and is already coordinating for dropping the cats back off to me.

He didn't know his new girlfriend is allergic. At least I get a little laugh already lol

rivlet

If he didn't even know that....imagine what other surprises he's going to discover.

What did he do? Just grab the first woman who would agree with his idea of what a relationship looks like and say, "She'll do"?

Update 2   July 27, 2023

Really want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of the people who reached out to me with well wishes. Especially other spouses who experienced similar, it helped so much more than you could ever know.

There has been a few things that have happened, and honestly I'm exhausted in every way possible so the input from folks has really been useful in organizing my thoughts and keeping an open mind.

I couldn't help it but for days I compared us and wondered what the fuck he could've been thinking until I realized she's a carbon copy of his biological mother, or at least the stories he heard about her since she died when he was 5. I hate that I feel bad for him still, even after what he's done, but we offered him support for his thoughts, we urged him to go to therapy, I even offered to pay for it myself, and he was too prideful. I lost both of my parents too, at an older age with even more core memories with them, so it wasn't a boat he was in alone. But he chose to act like it was and wallow in self pity.

He called me on our 7 year wedding anniversary, minutes after midnight, whispering apologies and saying he feels so guilty. I asked for what, and he just said well you know. What we're going through. I told him, no its what you're doing. We are going through nothing. I was abandoned by my husband exposed to god knows what while you were fucking her and coming back home to me. We were still having sex like EVERY SINGLE DAY so I made sure he knew just how disgusting I thought he was.

Then he got pissed and told me he only started cheating because I couldn't follow his lead? Sir, look where you led yourself. Our entire marriage I've pushed him career wise, hell, the job he has right now I applied to on his behalf. Meanwhile I'm pretty sure he doesn't, or didn't even know what my full job title is. I pushed him to reach out to the adoptive parents when he started getting family obsessed but neither of us were ready for a kid.

He went on, about how I broke my promise first when I decided I didn't want to be a "real mom" by not quitting. That I was turning his adoptive parents against him because they are refusing to meet his new girlfriend. He blamed me again and then had the nerve to say that this could all be "put on pause" if I can learn how to make decisions that benefit a family and not my self..

I asked point blank if he was insinuating that we could get back together if I quit my job. He told me yes, I will always love you, but you make things more difficult than needed. I hung up and blocked him on everything. Spent the rest of the night hugging wine in the bathtub and wondering what the hell kind of person I had been sharing my heart with.

The next day he went public with their relationship, posting a photo to instagram and most of our mutual friends reached out, with my closest friends commenting less than... kind things on the photo.

As it turns out, he and his new girlfriend have been together for 7, almost 8 months. She is 20, her son is around 2. I reached out to her ex, the father of her son, who she had left to be with my ex husband. She moved out in the middle of the day and took their kid so he was just as blindsided, if not more, than I was. We met up and went for a walk, stopped by a bar. Literally cried, laughed, hugged each other, sang songs way too loudly and sobbed in public like a lunatic but it helped so much. We also made sure to exchange evidence for any court battles.

I'm a little iffy towards him for now considering that they had quite the age gap.. she was 17 when they met and he was 26. He said she lied about her age and they met at a college party and then next thing he knew she was pregnant. He gave her money for an abortion but she came back with baby clothes instead, so he tried to do the right thing and moved her in with him. Also she's not actually allergic to cats.. she just hates them. She also was very aware he was married and has been to the house multiple times.

He admitted he had cheated on her before their son had been born (while she was pregnant) but that she didn't tell him she knew until after she had moved out with their son. He said he was still texting her everyday, not just about their son, but also about possibly working things out. He wants her back, but she seems to be head over heels for my husband just like I was. I told him good luck but yeah... not the direction I'm going in at all.

This time he made his bed and he will lay in it for good. Our chances of reconciliation are zero. I have never accepted someone back into my life after a betrayal and it won't start now.

At first I wanted to make sure the divorce was going to be short and as simple as possible even if it meant giving up some things, but after that conversation.. I have decided I'm fighting tooth and nail for everything I can possibly get.

I live in a no fault divorce state but my state does have special laws for adultery (can still sue for it here) and the divorce attorney I've consulted said it looks pretty good that I won't have to pay him alimony. He also told me to look into every single banking transaction in my accounts, as he did not think they got an apartment on his income without some extra cushion -- aka my money -- and he was right.

Last year my ex husband told me he got really into stock trading and if he could invest some of my money as well. Guess who was never doing any stock trading and the screenshots he showed me were all fake/pulled from somewhere else, and he had been sending that money to his girlfriend or saving it for their new place.

I've been pretty enraged since finding that out. He asked his adoptive parents to ask me to allow him "visitation rights" to see the cats, after he had to give them back once he realized his new gf is "allergic" to them. I relayed that he needs to first, run me my fucking money, and then take it up with the judge.

I didn't think visitation was a real thing for pets but according to my lawyer it very much is. I officially filed for divorce yesterday and he emailed me quite the colorful email about how selfish and bitter I am for not putting my pride aside and being "so fast" to file for divorce and refusing to let him stop by the house to see the cats that now he's accusing me of cheating.

I read somewhere that you never really know someone until you're divorcing them, and I can truly confirm that is true. I felt like you guys deserved some sort of update considering how much support I was given, I can't share more details for now but really thank you all again.

NEW UPDATE

Went on my third date after filing for divorce from my husband.  Sept 11, 2023

I was stupid and got married at 23. We met in a foster youth program. Long story short: I didn't want to be a stay at home mom since I was the breadwinner, he found someone younger and dumber who would.

I wish reddit let you fucking change usernames but here we are.

I had to pick up another job to make sure I'd be able to afford the house on my own, but when my regional lead from my main job heard about it they gave me a promotion that actually cut down my work time and gives me more money. I still kept the 2nd job, it keeps my mind busy.

Most of my work days were spent in collars and heels, but the side job is a over priced membership only gym that I definitely can't afford without my employee discount lol

I've had a few guys approach since I filed the divorce paperwork but I just wasn't feeling up to it. And even though I stopped wearing my ring the day he moved out, I still felt guilty. Like I was betraying him. He was the only man I've ever been with so spending a decade learning everything about one person, and now having to switch gears is really damn hard.

But, one of the guys I see often at the gym asked if I'd be his date to a seminar he's sponsoring. I said no at first, and he accepted the no very gracefully. I saw him a few days later, sparked up some conversation and asked if maybe we could try a lunch date, just us, first.

I was fully prepared for him to tell me "Nope, you're too late" but he instead cancelled the plans he had already made. We met up a few hours later and honestly my face hurt from laughing and smiling so much. He's a pretty charming man and has a lot of random knowledge about safari animals that gives me the same comfort that watching animal documentaries does.

He asked me out for a dinner date the next day, and when he let me know he was in my neighborhood earlier that day I asked if he wanted to stop by and grab a breakfast sandwich before I left for work. I have a 9 year old cat who hates like 99% of people but she loved him and even let him touch her belly?!

He dropped me off lunch at work and we met up for dinner and ever since we've been texting almost nonstop.

I've never felt this comfortable with someone so fast in my life. It's scary, but I've already told him that we're separated. I haven't told him the nitty gritty details, just that it didn't work out and we outgrew each other.

But the seminar was this past weekend and I went as his date. It was a great, great night. I tried champagne for the first time, had the BEST conversations with some of his associates and did a little professional networking too.

The tom boy teenage girl I used to be would never believe this shit lol but more than anything I'm grateful for the support of my friends, who got me through the tough nights so I could make it to the good ones. Only up from here I guess?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Dry_Material_5499

My advice... your pets know you sometimes better than yourself. I have several. But my point is go for it at a comfortable pace. Your cat gave him the green light.  So do baby steps and let this bond grow. I'd be an asshole for I keep going because you are obviously smart so go have fun and let life give you what you need. This guy sounds like a winner in my book.

OOP

Oh, we will be keeping it completely casual. I don't want this bond to grow too much, I think it would be a bit tacky for us to date either way, for other reasons.

Its just nice to have someone to laugh and smile with. I plan on being single for sure for at least the next 3 years --  I owe it to myself.

Final comment from OOP

A marriage is only valuable if its mutual and both parties are honest. One day I will have a real marriage, but what I had wasn't that.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP