We are in our mid seventies now retired after a busy and (mostly) successful life. We've d been married 45 years having met in our early twenties and married late twenties. We're living out our "Golden Years". But...our early relationship lasted about 4 years. Suddenly she took off without much explanation and no contact. I was devastated, living like a zombie for 3 years or more. She turned up again, we got married, had a good life as I was determined to do.No financial problems, kids in private schools, travel etc. But recently I have been overtaken with the thoughts of her dropping me like a stone, my sad years without her and then her picking up again for a successful marriage and affluent life that she may not have achieved otherwise. And I have always had the feeling of being second choice or a better option than spinsterhood. She doesn't seem to put much into the relationship and takes a lot. Perhaps retirement leaves me with too much time to think and perhaps I was fortunate to get her back. Do others have these lingering doubts in their later years? Just a rant. Or is it Erica Fromme "Games People Play"
Life rarely hands you ideal situations. To put it succinctly in the words of The Rolling Stones ”You can't always get what you want But if you try sometime you'll find You get what you need”
What I mean by this is life presents itself, just embrace it while you can. Second choice or not, no one stays married to someone for 45 years unless they want to be married to them for 45 years, that’s a true gift.
45 year marriage…talk about the long con!
I'm 65, married 35, there were a few years in the middle when I thought about bailing, glad I didn't .
There are a billion shoulda woulda coulda's in my rear view mirror. Fuck'em, don't have time for that, neither do you. Knowing there are more days behind than in front means make the most of what you've got.
There are a billion shoulda woulda coulda's in my rear view mirror. Fuck'em, don't have time for that, neither do you.
Amen to that! Fuck yeah!
I think everybody occasionally has doubts or wonders if their partner is with them because other options don't seem great. I think that's normal. No relationship is without doubts. Do you still enjoy each other's company? Is your life better because your partner is in it? Focus on that.
I have literally zero experience with this kind of thing but have you thought about asking her what she was doing during that time? You may already have… or even why she left or came back. I assume you have. The good news is- she chose you and seems like she has been committed since her return.
My relationship had a very similar trajectory, and We were about the same age. Met at 19 and 20 dated for about three years, took some time off, got back together, got married. She probably just had some wild oats to sew, did that, and decided you were the one for her. It definitely sounds like you have too much time on your hands. And the comments about you giving her this great affluent life that she might not have had sound kind of patronizing. Did she not help you build that great life by being a supportive spouse? Take up Pickleball. Deliver meals on wheels. You might also need some anti-depressants. I always have negative thoughts about my marriage when my antidepressants are off.
I’ve been married almost 40 years, and each of us have done a few pretty stupid things, especially (but not exclusively) early in our relationship. We aren’t even close to being the same people we were in our early 20s when we got married. That time seems like a lifetime ago. I’m not going to hold something against my husband that happened in the early days because he’s not that person anymore. You do sound resentful that you say you’ve “given” her a lavish lifestyle and she gives little . Does she really give little ? My husband sometimes acts like I don’t do enough, but I do a lot of things that aren’t immediately apparent. Even having a clean kitchen requires more effort than is immediately obvious. I worked and raised two kids while doing most of the housework. That’s a lot of giving.
Yes this was my instinct too. I think some men of a certain generation tend to think about “contributing” in a pretty narrow definition in a way that leans towards quantifiable effort - best measured in money.
Am I the only male of my generation who cleans the kitchen and does the dishes every night? It was literally my mom's expectation when I was growing up that I would do the dishes at night. If I left the kitchen to my wife she would either forget and there would be a sink full of dirty dishes the next morning or worse she doesn't know how to load the dishwasher so I would wake up to a dishwasher full of dishes with stuff baked onto them from the dry cycle.
I think it's unusual but not unheard-of behavior. My husband sometimes does the dishes and cleans the kitchen. In general he does a ton of housework. Almost all of the laundry. He changes the bedsheets. He vacuums. All greatly appreciated.
Funny thing is I’m not allowed to do the laundry. Weird control thing and it actually makes me a little crazy. I buy some fairly expensive athletic socks for the gym and running. They are not supposed to be put in the drier. She doesn’t want me to do the laundry, but when I ask her not to dry my socks, she says that is stupid, and she is not going to bother to pull my socks out to air dry. I end up having to sneak around to wash my socks and allow them to air dry.
This.
I was married 25 years and researching divorce when he died. 2 of my sibs are on 40 years. My parents were married 65 years, and every night before going up to bed mom would look up at him, give him a big hug and say thank you for marrying me. He'd smile and give her a kiss and say the pleasure has been all mine. And they meant it. When i moved in to help i realized that the only pretty plant dad tended was a pink rose bush within sight of the kitchen window, and every now and then a rose in a bud base would appear on the kitchen counter. Mom went first, in late 2018 and dad just tanked after and went in early 2020.
Wow. Beautiful story. You must’ve felt extra pressure on your own marriage in comparison to that.
Actually, no, never really occurred to me. Very different people living in a very different world. And my grandparents before them, such incredibly different lives. My parents used to tease each other over who got running water and flushing toilets first and who got electricity first. Electric lights vs a refrigerator. California dairy farm vs rural Hawaii pre ww2. Just... different. I guess I'm trying to say I'll never be who my parents are, and that's ok. I'll be me instead
I really needed this today. Thank you
Hugs. Be well
What a beautiful love story ❤️
Very much so. Mom was engaged when her best friend asked her to keep her company on a blind date where she met my dad. She said she didn't know if dad liked her at all or not, but she knew she couldn't marry jerry, so she called it off that day. 6 weeks later, she married dad.
Poor Jerry missed out on a good one. Hopefully he found the one for him.
Dude, someone picked YOU!!! Out of everyone your wife could have chosen, it was you she returned to and still does apparently. Yes, retirement gives you WAY too much time. Time to ponder, reassess and generally Monday morning quarterback the crap out of your life, choices, just all of it. Take whatever love you can an get and just hold on tight buddy, the end comes far to soon!!
This
My thoughts exactly 💯
This is the kind of thing that you might benefit from talking about in couples therapy or with your own therapist.
I’ve only been with my partner for 17 years but learning to communicate with each other and “see” each other more has tremendously enriched our lives.
Martin Crane, father of Frasier and Niles on the TV show, once said something that stuck with me and seems apropos of your situation.
He said that people can always find something to be sad about if they go looking for it.
So stop looking for it.
What do you hope to accomplish with this information? It will raise an issue that is long dead, cause anguish to this woman to whom you've been married for so long, as well as to yourself.
Some things just don't matter anymore.
You clearly need something to keep your mind busy. Find a purpose. Listen to some music, go for a walk, volunteer.
Sometimes it helps just to get out of your own head.
I'm not trying to diminish what happened, and I understand that it was devastating, but remember that it was in the past; she came back and she's with you right now.
I hope you can find a way to be grateful for what's right in front of you and not go digging in the past for hurt. You deserve better than that. You forgave her once, let her stay forgiven.
We've been married 44 years. Honestly, from the moment I met him, he has never been off my mind. He is my greatest blessing, my darling, my best friend. We keep each other giggling, and we have secret code words. It's just delightful!
You are truly blessed. I found true love when I was in my early twenties on the first night of my first real life job. We would have had four decades together if he wasn’t so afraid of turning into an alcoholic wife/child beater like his own father was. He wouldn’t commit because he said he would rather die than ever hurt me. He has never married or had children. I have had to settle for much less (sub-basement level) when it comes to men because. Lightning never strikes twice.
Oh, that breaks my heart for you! Hugs for your future filled with glorious, unconditional love!
I think you're working yourself up for nothing. The fact is, she stuck with you for 45 years and those decades matter more than a handful of years when you were kids.
Not knowing at all my guess would be that she got a little freaked out at the idea of a lifetime commitment at a young age and needed the freedom to explore and mature a bit.
Even if your worst fear is true, that she met some exciting James Dean type and rode around the country on his motorcycle for three years having an absolute blast, the fact is that after her "Rumspringa" she chose you as a suitable life partner, for marriage, kids, etc.
Whatever happened during those three years it helped her decide that she wanted to make a stable life with someone she trusted.
In 45 years you've never simply asked asked: "Hey remember when we broke up for three years as kids, what was that all about?"
Besides dude, we all stay married because it is a better option than growing old alone.
This is the answer.
Men often overestimate their value rate of return. Whether its a first date dinner at Olive Garden or 45 years of marriage, nothing is free and no woman is putting up with shitty conversation and bad sex for the duration of either. We endure because we want to, just like you.
She chose you. Full stop.
Enjoy your golden years and don’t put a question mark where the universe put a period
PICKLEBALL
The way you describe your marriage has a tone of resentment. I notice you list the lifestyle you offered her but no mention of what she offered you. I think your feelings are normal but are you taking her contribution for granted? She birthed children for you. Probably cleaned and cooked for you. Sexually serviced you. Decorated your house and made holidays have warmth. I’m making these assumptions based off most women and your age group. Women sacrifice a lot in marriage albeit not always tangible. You should ask her more about those years she left to deepen your emotional intimacy.
This is some sexist shit. "Sexually serviced you?" What is she a whore? Sex is an act of mutual pleasure. It's not a reward. Where do you get off saying things like this to this guy? She had sex with you, so that counts as contributing to the marriage? Dafuq?
Most women have more sex with their husbands than they feel like having. Especially in years during child rearing. It’s an extremely exhausting and stressful time in a mother’s life. It’s not a secret that the majority of men generally have higher sex drives, and wives are expected to have sex with their husband regularly. It’s not ideal but it is reality.
60 years old and with hubby 42 years. None.
It's natural as we age to review and think about our lives, what did and did not happen.
Who knows why she left or why she came back. Her own reasons if asked now might omit things that seemed significant then, but she's forgotten since.
I don't want to argue with the person whose reply included " serviced your sexual needs " or something similar.
Most of us assume that our partners want and enjoy sex and intimacy as much as we do, but it seems that is not always.
The same about children and in that case often it's the woman who initiates the "I want a baby" discussion.
If you browse r/LivingAlone some might be trying to look at the positives in spite of living alone.
Some liking it because of being hurt in relationships or just finding them difficult.
Others because of actual preference, which might have changed as they aged.
I guess the key now is to see if you both can find ways to live comfortably and happily.
Sometimes people seem to want to separate things after being retired for a while.
One or both might need ( because of health etc ) or want to keep different sleep patterns.
While working, there was much less spare time, so it was logical to spend most of it together.
Now the risk is getting tired of constantly "fitting in" with the other's plans.
She was probably a different person back then as opposed to who she is now. Young people do stupid things! You could also consider that rather than being a second choice, she realized that she had a good thing going and had thrown it all away.
As far as the current situation, have you talked with her about your feelings (as far as taking more then she gives)? It's quite possible that she feels the same way - we all tend to.
Do you have fun together?
Your road together holds the lessons of your lifetime. Strife gives us the opportunity to Become....patient, forgiving, compassionate. Easy times don't require us to grow in these necessary ways. Love each other ♡
A rant to me is when someone complains somewhat angrily about something. What I hear you doing is wondering about a bunch of things. It's not too late to start talking...in fact, it could add a spark to your relationship that seems to be missing that. At our age, we have to squeeze the life out of every day because they are numbered...
If the thought of opening up is too overwhelming, consider having a few sessions with someone who can help you understand those blocks better and if all goes well, you could ask your wife to joint you for a few sessions. Nothing ventured, nothing gained...
Spinsterhood??? Dude…
Have been married 40 years , and i think the toughest , has been the last few retired years. Proir she was a stay at home mom , i worked 3 jobs. And provided for all ... now the constant time together is tough , have lost my individualism , pursuing my own hobbies and volunteering, but the constant companionship and loss of individual identity is tough ....
My current wife is the best wife I've ever had. I intend to keep her.
You say that as if there's been 10 😂😂😂
Not 10 but enough to know the difference.
Saw my wife for the first time 1963 8th grade. Didn't talk to her until after High School 1967. Married 1968. Two kids. Two Grandkids. She told me she always knew she would marry me ever since Grade School. We always flirted with each other our whole life. She's my girlfriend. You have to let her know she is your girl and will always be. If you have kids and grandkids you will always be number three. You know. "God is first. Family second and I am third." That is unless you have pets then if you are lucky it will be a tie for 3rd place. If she is with you after all these years then you did at least some things right so be thankful.
You and your family should volunteer for a Hallmark Movie! Thank you for sharing such a wholesome, happy Family story/ issue. How very wonderful!! G-d Bless!
Maybe she needed to experience the world and date some shitty people before she could truly appreciate what she had with you. I think it was more about her and not about you at all. Think of it this way, she left to get life experience and ultimately realized you were the one for her. You weren’t her 2nd choice, you were the winner. You were better than the rest and she wanted you back. She didn’t know how good you were because she had nothing to compare you to. Once she did she appreciated you even more in a way she couldn’t before.
I agree , and hope OP does as well. Also, maybe OP should talk to a therapist, maybe it is related to ‘the end is near’ period and trying to tidy up everything about his life.
It's really common to start looking back at your younger years in your 60s and 70s. That's when people start hunting for elementary school friends on Facebook and tracking down long-lost relatives. It's a life stage, as is getting frustrated with the impact of aging and how the choices you've made have shaped your life. I'd discuss it with a therapist or counselor to make sure there's nothing else going on and process your feelings, then chock it up to several aspects of aging colliding inside your head and let it go.
Hi, is there a sub on this kind of topic please?
Do you have any idea how lucky you are?
That's as plain and simple as I can put it.
I never married and thankfully I didn't. I think that few people are capable of doing it 'right' anyway. Kids pay the price and I never met a guy that I could put up with for a lifetime. :) Better to be safe, than sorry, with regard to marriage, I'd say.
Ok boomer. Do what you do best and tear up the life you built for 45-fucking-years for the pettiest reason possible.
LOL. Couldn’t have put it better myself.
"Suddenly she took off without much explanation and no contact."
Am I the only one here wondering WTF. 3 years and then she comes back. OK OP, I'll bite, where was she, what was she doing and what was her explanation after she came back?
Stanley Kubrick made Eyes Wide Shut. It’s rumored to be the reason the Cruise/Kidman marriage ended. As we (me & my now ex husband) were leaving the theater, he said, “What was the point of the movie?”. I said that Tom Cruise’s character had gone looking for trouble. If he hadn’t been looking for trouble, he wouldn’t have found trouble.
Don’t go looking for trouble.
Especially not decades later.
Wow! Great response!
Thanks.
You were her 2nd choice, if even 2nd. Dude, she left you for 3 years, and you took her back. You were and are a fool.
Good life. Good wife. Grow up get a hobby and stop being a puss
Not a good wife. Good wives don't leave.
She wasn’t his wife when she left. Not the first time a person in their twenties needed to figure things out. Seems optimal as opposed to resentment later on.
Their term after spinster is thornback or an older spinster.
Ooh I need to update my business card
Dropped you once never again Took me a while to learn this
In my honest opinion, when she took off and then came back, I wouldn’t have put so much faith in one person and taken her back. Since you’re older now and still with her, I would focus on YOU and live YOUR best life since she doesn’t care to put anything into the relationship. Have fun, go on adventures and just do YOU!
I'm about your age, OP and your story struck a chord with me. Unfortunately, once you hit your 70s, the decisions you made and paths you took are very hard to un-do. I do understand your frustration though - when I hit my mid-50s, I realized that I was married 30 years to a "taker" - to her I was a ticket to a lifestyle she never would have had otherwise. I am a consummate "giver," and our relationship consisted of me giving and her taking in every part of life. When the realization hit me, I ended up leaving her and since then, my life has been happier than I ever thought possible. I'm with a wonderful woman who is also a "giver," and discovered avoiding "takers" is the key to happiness. Like I said, your 70s is pretty late to make a huge life change but that's for you to decide.
Have you watched “Poor Things” perhaps she was seeing wild oats?
I'm a widow. At some point your relationship *will* end even if neither of your initiates it; we all die.
I suggest you enjoy what time you have together.
Shit!, I'm mid forties and I have most of those doubts.
Also still haunted/self-taunted by past memories, frustrations, humiliations, missed opportunities, bad decisions. I haven't come to terms with my age yet, I didn't think it would be this rough physically. In my head I still feel like I'm in my late 20s/early 30s. Kids think I'm ancient. I'm shocked when I see people my age that look old.
It's hard to make peace, but it can be done, I think. (As long as the other person in question has genuinely changed their ways).
Way I see it, I've got a dream house, my amazing daughter, an amazing dog, a massive shed, we were doing not-bad financially until things went tits-up and the powers that be decided that we should be living in a communist shithole, paying 15 quid for a loaf of bread and dealing with ration cards.
I've got loads of hobbies, stuff that I do for me independently, I think that's important. You've got to have your own shit going on. And also not shut yourself off from other people (which is ironic as I'm not a social animal).
You tend to notice how little they bring to the table when you’re not at work all day anymore.
Mid 70’s? Is this where I suggest you go to couples counseling?
Too late now.
Wow. 45 years ago? Time to move those ‘negative’ thoughts along and enjoy your time that you have today!
We are both over 70, married 12 years now. My previous was 32 years. I was a widower, she was a widow so no illusions. We know that one of use will fulfill the wedding vows of to death us due part and are fine. With my military family health insurance for life and Medicare, decent Army pensions, and Social Security? Heath and income are covered. The house is paid and property taxes were $202 this year with the old age deductions.
Life is good
that seems like the kind of thing you'd wanna reflect on before being married for 45 years, no?
Why spend any of your remaining future time on Earth overthinking the past?
I know a couple (now in their late 70s) w/ an identical situation.
Of course what's done is done BUTTTTTT...
If you're like that couple, it could be a result of your ongoing relationship problems that you turned a blind eye to (you mentioned you were a zombie) and now you are having to deal with the situation for the first time.
Perhaps you got back together in such a way that she called all the shots and you were merely grateful to be a part of it? And so you may have hidden anger, hidden sorrow that you've never dealt with.
This is the time to get a counselor for yourself, and work through these issues on your own.
You were Plan B and have accepted that for 45 years. Why question now?
There is one question. Can you imagine your life without her? If you can’t, let it go, forgive her.
You know, I’m in a similar boat and have had the same doubts/thoughts as you. My situation is that my wife (while she is healthy and strong now) has a hereditary condition that could be debilitating. I simply will not abandon her in our golden years. I may not be 100% happy, fulfilled or whatever but I’m not going to go now knowing that she may need me. As others have said, you don’t stay together 4o+ years without there being some love. Be Thankful for what you have.
We had a wonderful long-term marriage, 54 years. My husband was the finest man I’ve ever known. Long term can be successful when you’re fortunate enough to choose wisely, remain in love, and dedicate your lives to one another.
Thank you all for contributing to this conversation. It's a huge benefit of Reddit that we can put our thoughts out there and get different perspectives from all around the world rather than just bottling it up. Your many views have basically told me to appreciate a long marriage, of lives well lived and to look to the future rather than dwell on the past.
You know in your heart that she married you for the lifestyle. You knew that then but you are only regretting you let it happen now. You set yourself up to live with someone whose natural tendency is to take. At this point in your life and with no financial problems you can start to pursue some self growth without even getting a divorce. You could travel, learn yoga and meditation, learn a language. It is never too late to grow and learn and have fun. I would also recommend that you volunteer at a food bank or homeless shelter. Maybe take art classes. Go on a guided tour of a country. Do some or all of these things on your own. You can do it!
I think that’s why the graying divorce is such a big thing because people retire, kids grow up and leave home and all of a sudden they’re alone with their thoughts and they realize they don’t wanna be around each other so I guess that’s what you have to decide?🤷🏻♀️
I feel you have anxieties that you haven't spelled out completely. I will spell some so you can actually go to a therapist and deal with those first emotional battles. Then I would suggest you make life altering decisions. Only if you need to change something.
In your shoes, I would worry about many situations that may force me to depend on her help. I wouldn't know if I could trust her decisions.
Make a list tof such scenarios. A good therapist may help you get to the bottom of those and guide you much better than I can here.
Good luck.
Lots of good advice here. Important that she chose to return—-if she had not, she might have longed for something she couldn’t name. Choose to make your final years, no matter how many are left, full of joy, wonder, and appreciation. You got through the hardest years of life, enjoy where you are and love the one you are with. Best of luck.
My problem in retirement is my husband's non stop talking. He has always been a talker but it has reached new levels. I get lectured on every news story, politics, endless stories about his youth.
I hear myself telling him to shut the fuck up. After countless times of being polite. I am going through life with air pods.
First, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences so openly. It's clear that you've been carrying these feelings for a long time, and it's important to address them, even after all these years.
Reflecting on the past, especially during significant life transitions like retirement, can often bring up old emotions or unresolved issues. It seems that the sudden departure of your wife years ago, and her equally unexpected return, left you with unresolved feelings of insecurity and doubt about your place in her life. These are valid feelings that many might dismiss over time, especially when life becomes busy and fulfilling, as yours did.
However, retirement has given you more time to think, and it's natural that these old wounds have resurfaced. It's important to acknowledge these feelings rather than dismiss them as just a rant. They are a significant part of your emotional landscape and deserve attention.
One way to address these feelings could be to open up a dialogue with your wife about your past and present feelings. It might be helpful to express how her actions affected you and to discuss whether there are ways you both can strengthen your relationship now. This isn’t about dredging up the past to blame, but rather to understand and perhaps heal some of the old wounds.
You might also find it beneficial to speak to a counselor or therapist. They can offer strategies to help you cope with these feelings and work through them constructively. Therapy can also be a safe space to explore your feelings of being a second choice and to gain insights into how this perception has shaped your relationship dynamics.
Lastly, engaging in new activities together or separately can also provide fresh energy and new topics to talk about. Whether it’s a hobby, volunteer work, or learning something new, these activities can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment in your golden years.
Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to seek understanding and healing, no matter how much time has passed. You're not alone in these reflections, and many others in long-term relationships also experience similar doubts and reconsiderations as life changes.
Good luck!
Just keep going, bro.
I did my 1st husband wrong in my 20s because I was stupid and selfish.
He forgave me and took me back.
He died at 45 with cancer.
I'm very grateful we were able to make a good thing in spite of my early stupidity.
All marriages will always have "what if" questions. The truth is, even after trust is earned, a person can go crazy and throw it away.
Love is always a big risk.
I think it's worth it.
Retirement does bring a lot of self-reflection. But look at it this way: She left, went to see what else was out there (not uncommon) and decided that you were the one for her. Those other people, assuming she dated during those years, were the ones who ultimately were the second choice.
My ex of 10 years suddenly wanted out of our marriage. 15 years later, divorce again to another ex. I really loved my 1st ex. Well, we started dating again, everything was bliss. Then suddenly, I ask myself, do I want to be suddenly left alone again? I left and never went back.
OP, don’t listen to this comment
So a wedding dj knows more about marriage than people married for decades? Lmao
Don't come to a boomer sub and give us the "okay boomer" line. We don't tolerate rudeness here.
This
These are the thoughts that go through my mind when it’s idle;
What good will come of this?
You can’t change History
Be happy with what you have
Embrace the Good