AITA for saying I'm not wearing a black dress to my Grandma's funeral?

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I'm not planning on wearing a dress for a funeral despite the fact it may (i don't think so) have been what gran would have wanted.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

NTA The grandma whose mental capacity deserted her might have wanted to see you in a dress, but the one who knew you, who loved you for who you were, would want you to be the clothing that suits you and the fact that she got you the suit makes it perfect to wear. Grandma didn't forget on purpose, didn't deadname on purpose, didn't go with the dress memories on purpose: she had a disease that made her forgot, but that doesn't change the fact that the woman she was before her disease made her forget loved you, was proud of who you were, and knew your real name. Be that person at her funeral and know she'd have wanted that.

NTA

"I mentioned that I would probably wear the last suit she got for me which was black and a vest just for extra blackness."

That sounds a really nice idea & tribute to your Gran.

People with alzheimers' experience memory regression, sometimes as far back as childhood. This is probably the reason she deadnamed/didn't recognize you towards the end.

"frankly, I think she's being fucking ridiculous."

She is.

I hope you're able to say goodbye to your Gran the way you want & sorry for your loss.

Edit: missed word.

NTA. Even if she didn’t accept you, you wouldn’t be the AH for not wearing a dress.

She accepted you. She bought you suits. She loved YOU. Her memory failed her and I can only imagine how hard that was for you as well as her.

Only person here who doesn’t accept you is your cousin.

Your Grandma bought you a suit? She understood and respected your transition. Hold on to that.

Then she lost some memories. That's a tragedy that she didn't recognise you in her last days. You could have frocked up then so she would recognise you, but even saying that seems bizarre. It's just one of the many tragedies of Alzheimers. I have lost 4 ancestors to dementia. It's always tough.

A friend's grandmother repeatedly asked my friend's husband "when did you start dating [friend]". No one suggested they should separate to make Nanna more comfortable!

When we fall into dementia, at best we regress to an earlier part of our lives, and at worse, lose everything. Rejoice that your Grandma never forgot you, even when she forgot you had transitioned. and accept the suit as proof she acknowledge it at the time. Wear it with pride. And if you or your cousin believe she will be watching you, it's her restored to her full health, who loved you as you are. Do you think the Grandma who bought the suit would like to see you lying about who you are?

NTA.

 putting my needs over hers when its her funeral.

Not to be crass, but Gran doesn't need anything, she's dead. A funeral is for the survivors. You do what you need to do and don't let the haters weaponize your Gran's illness to justify their hate

NTA

NTA

I think wearing the last suit she made you was very thoughtful.

Your grandmother was losing her memory. She absolutely would not have expected you in a dress at her funeral if she had moved on to suits.

Funerals are for the living anyway.

I'm sure you'll look dapper! Best of luck!

Gran bought you the suit you plan to wear, how could you dress any more like she would wish?

Given that she got you the suit, it is pretty clear she wants you to be you.

Wear the suit.

NTA

NTA - your cousin is projecting her preconceptions and prejudice, if not downright transphobia. My advice, don’t listen to her and don’t let her bother you. Your idea with the last suit is amazing.

I don't think Gran would want to see a man in a dress at her funeral. NTA.

NTA

If your grandma bought you suits, then your cousin can kick rocks. Grandma would have wanted you to be the best you, comfortable in your skin and clothes. Since, ya know, grandma bought you suits instead of dresses herself.

Live your best life and do you. Honor your grandma your own way.

I'm a chick and I wore black slacks to the last funeral I attended. They need to stay out of your business. And, I've never discussed what I'm wearing to a funeral with anyone but my spouse.

NTA. Don't let anyone tell you what your grandma would or wouldn't like to see from you. You are the only one who knows what kind of relationship you had with your grandma, and you alone get to decide what's appropriate or not in this situation

I'm sorry about your loss

NTA.  You're not a woman. You're a man. Wear the suit. It is most appropriate. My condolences for your loss. 

NTA. Funerals are for the living.

Alzheimer’s is a brutal disease. It robs people of many of the traits they were and mixes them up until they are hardly someone you recognize.

The gran you knew and loved liked you in suits. The person who passed away recently may have loved dresses, but that mind had been ravaged by a cruel disease.

Trust the relationship you remember - and honor that one.

No one except for you knows the relationship you had with her except for you personally. It’s yours alone to decide how to honor it.

I’m sorry for your loss.

NTA, and if anyone has the nerve to question you, say that you’re honoring your grandmother by wearing the last suit she picked out for you.

I mentioned that I would probably wear the last suit she got for me which was black 

This tells you everything you need to know. Your grandmother loved you, accepted you, and bought you a black suit. You should definitely wear that. It is a tribute to her because she bought it for you. NTA

And more importantly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother.

Cousin is just using it as an excuse to be transphobic I think. Rock that suit! NTA

NTA. Your gran knew and loved you, and bought you a beautiful suit celebrating you. It is completely appropriate to wear that suit to celebrate her.

NTA, clearly your grandma was fine with you wearing a suit since she bought them for you. Your cousin is pressing her own views onto your grandma. Ignore your cousin and wear what you’d planned to wear.

If you happen to know grandma’s favorite flower, maybe you can add one to the lapel of the suit coat.

NTA - im 100% sure youre not the AH.

100% positive you are NTA, wear the last suit she purchased for you. That would be showing her and you respect. I am so very sorry for your loss, any form of dementia is cruel.

NTA Of course you’re not. No idea what your cousin’s problem is.

NTA - respectfully, she’s passed - she’s not gonna know what you’re wearing. I’ve never had anyone dictate to me what I’m going to wear to a funeral, there’s just the rule of wear black. Whatever their personal beliefs are regarding your transition, you are no longer the little girl your grandmother bought dresses for and it’s absurd to expect you to wear a dress when you look masculine imo. Sounds like a them issue.

NTA. You’re an adult. Wear whatever the hell you want.

Not to be insensitive, but I don’t think your grandmother will know what you’re wearing.

Also, if you’re out and your cousin is aware of this, she is the AH. You’re a man. Her suggestion was utterly out of line and ridiculous. Further, it was insulting to you.

NTA

Also, my condolences for your loss.

NTA. Sorry for your loss OP.

NTA. News flash: the funeral isn't for your grandma. She's dead and gone. The funeral is for your grandma's loved ones, you and your family, and I think your grandma would want you to feel comfortable when you say goodbye to her. Tell your cousin to suck it and stop making a fuss. Her thinly veiled transphobia has no place at a funeral, in a time of love and compassion and grief.

NTA your grandma loved and accepted you for who you are before her Alzheimers hit. I'm sure she would have wanted you to wear a suit she got you. Your cousin is transphobic and trying to use the funeral as a weapon.

Why is 'poo mode activate' on this aita? I've not seen one 'yta' since I started scrolling, for safe measure I even changed the settings to ' controversial ' and I haven't found one YTA? WTH is going on??

The clarify; OP is Nta.

NTA. Reading this post hurt- I am also a trans man, and my grandmother was the same way. She would look at me, then turn to my mom to ask where [deadname] is. My mom would just respond that I was out of town going to college. But, looking back, I think my grandma DID recognize me. Thats why she always asked where I was when I was in the room. She knew it was me, but her declining mental state made it so she couldn’t quite ask the right question. She knew it was me, but couldn’t figurw out how to ask “hey why is [deadname] older and also a boy now?” So she would just ask where I was and hope the family filled her in on the rest.

I know this isn’t really what you asked, but I hope my perspective provides you a little bit of peace. Your grandma wouldn’t want you to wear a dress. She loved you how you are, she just got sick and didn’t know how to talk about it anymore.

Yeah, forgetting later events is actually a major symptom of Alzheimer's.

Let's say your gran only remembered you as a little kid (like 10 years old tops), but now you're a fully grown adult. Would you dress and behave like a prepubescent kid to honour her memory? You probably do not want to do that, and definitely are not able to do so without looking like a clown and making a fool out of yourself.

Wearing that suit is a great idea.

Obviously NTA.

NTA. Your cousin is being ignorant. She bought you that suit so there's no reason it would be disrespectful.

NTA

Gran's dead. You aren't disrespecting shit by wearing a black suit she literally bought for you to wear. This isn't about what Gran would have wanted. It's about your cousin taking the opportunity to shame you for your gender identity using a woman who isn't even buried yet.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Your grandma picked out this suit for you. It would be an incredible honor for you to wear that to her funeral. Your cousin can go and clutch their pearls while giving you the stink eye. It's ok.

NTA

NTA.

Before your grandmother became ill, she loved and accepted you for who you are. The suit is something she picked for you, because she supported and loved you. I assume the suit is appropriate for a funeral, so there is absolutely nothing disrespectful about wearing it.

In fact, it's a beautiful personal tribute to her and her love for you.

The things our elderly relatives say when they are no longer in control of their minds don't count and should never be used as standards to live up to

I’m not transgender and still my grandmother also forgot my name or asked for me while I was sitting next to her. Sometimes I was even the one she asked.

And sometimes she referred to me by my mother’s name. She often had me confused with one of my female cousins and once she even had me confused white my brother.

So the fact that grandma sometimes got your name or gender wrong, or even forgot who you were, probably had very little to do with you being transgender and very much to do with her being demented.

Off course NTA

You in a dress would appear to some as making a mockery of her funeral as you would look like a drag queen. She loved u just the way you are. Your cousin is the one with the issue as she is being judgmental and using grandma’s funeral as an excuse to parade you around as a fool. Wear the suit. NTA

I’m just adding to the chorus for validation here but you’re NTA. Your grandma bought you the suit, she knew and loved the real you. Her illness took that memory away from her, but don’t let it take that away from you. Your cousin has no business asserting what your grandmother would want or trying to take that away from you. And frankly even if your grandmother hadn’t bought you the suit you wouldn’t be the AH for wearing it. You are who you are. Wear what you want.

NTA: Since you have a suit that your grandma bought you wear it. Since she bought it for you it showed her acceptance. Calling you by your deadname was the Alzheimer’s and not a sign of disapproval.

No sir you're NTA

NTA. As gently as possible, Gran has no needs or wants anymore. You knew the relationship you had with her, and that’s all that matters. That’s between you and your grandmother, and your cousin needs to mind their own business. 

i mean, if you want to go full Klinger, just to be a dick to your cousin, go for it. i bet your grandma would laugh. Make sure you wear the same dress cousin wears and tell her you look better in it. Or wear something suiuuuuper over the top with a big hat and veil. DRAMA, because cousin demands it!! NTA, OP, wear the suit your grandma bought you. also, i’m sorry for your loss.

NTA. Your grandma just remembered you as a kid, it’s was just a snippet of time. My grandma didn’t think she was old enough for grandchildren, she still had little babies. Alzheimer’s sucks and you can’t choose what they remember. Your cousin is just a bigot. I’m just imagining a dude in a little dress 🤭🤣🫣

Bear Bergman has a story about not being recognized by his grandmother with dementia in his book Blood, Marriage, Wine, and Glitter. I recommend it - it's a warm, loving story, and will reassure you that you're not alone. I'm sorry for your loss.

NTA, Grandma has no idea what you're gonna be wearing. Dress for you.

NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your gran sounds like she was a gem, and it's wonderful that she was so accepting of you. She would have wanted you to be you, and not what your cousin thinks you should be. Wear the suit.

NTA

Funerals are for the benefit of the living not the dead. The dead do not care.

NTA. I'm so sorry about the loss of your Gran. Alzheimer's is a terrible thing, it robs us early of the person they used to be. So no, your healthy Gran was supportive of you and wanted to see you happy. That is a marvelous memory. It is absurd of your relatives to want to placate/ fool dementia- Gran, who has passed away. Wow, guilt and grief make people act absolutely crazy. You knew real, healthy, mindful Gran. And she sounds marvelous. Honor her with the suits she bought you on your shopping trips together. Gran trusts you to wear what's best!

Before I came out gran used to love picking out dresses for me, and afterwards she moved onto suits.

NTA gran bought you suits before dementia. Her dementia meant she couldn't remember you as you are. That's a literal brain disease that stopped her, not her desire to see you in a dress. Your cousin is confused in her grief. She only half an asshole hopefully, she will see her error and apologize.

BE YOU!

much love, an ally

NTA

NTA. Theyre fkheads

NTA.

NTA

NTA. She brought you the suit you're going to wear. Enough said.

NTA

Someone needs to break it to your thoughtless sister that your gran will not be there. She has died.

Funerals are for the bereaved, albeit also including celebrating the life of your gran and praying for her soul if you are religious.

It is always best to be genuine. You be who you are. And dress however makes you comfortable.

NTA. Dude's don't wear dresses to funerals unless they want to. Your cousin needs to get over themselves.

NTA You say your grandma liked to help pick out suits when she was still mentally sound, right? So go with that-if I had to guess, if she was able to, that's what she would say.

It makes absolutely NO DIFFERENCE if you would be passable or gorgeous in a dress. You are a MAN and want to wear a suit! 100% NTA. The fact said suit was purchased for by your grandma says grandma would be totally fine with you wearing it! I'm so sorry for your loss as well.

NTA - your cousin is being ridiculous, and is being transphobic. You need to go as *you*, not some person anyone in your family imagines you are.

NTA. She is being ridiculous. Your grandma would want you to dress in the suit she got you. Just because she lost her marbles before she passed doesn’t mean she actually didn’t respect your transition. She obviously supported you in all ways or she never would’ve bought you the suit you intend on honouring her memory in. Cousin sounds transphobic.

NTA. I’m nonbinary masc leaning, and I wore a suit to my grandad funeral recently. Funerals are for the living, and you should wear whatever you feel comfortable in.

Nta of course. I'm trans too and I'm not wearing a dress for anybody even if they'd rather I did at their funeral. Chances are if they feel that way about me I'm not close enough to them to go to their funeral anyways. I'd ask your cousin what they meant by their backhanded comment. Sounds like it isnt your Grandma who would rather see you attend in a dress...or is that comment just some kind of weird transphobic remark to piss you off? Either way shes disrespecting Gran and you for saying this bullshit. If I were you when I showed up to Grans funeral I would just really go on and on to everyone about how wonderfully accepting she was and how you'll forever treasure the suits she gifted you with. Maybe later on give your dresses away to a family member who would appreciate them. Not this cousin though lol. Also I'm very sorry for your loss. ✌

NTA. First and foremost, a funeral isn't for the person who has passed on. It's for those who are living to have a time to say goodbye, to share memories, and to connect with others at that time of grief.

Second, Alzheimer's affects recent memory before it affects long term memory. Very often people with Alzheimer's will remember the early days of adulthood and childhood long after they have forgotten the last twenty years. When you came out as trans, your grandmother supported you and accepted you. She showed this by switching to buying you suits. With the Alzheimer's it isn't like she suddenly didn't support you. It became a case of her literally forgetting that you are trans and a man. I can only imagine how that must have felt for you.

Your grandmother clearly loved you for you, and that is something to hold tightly too. It wasn't about her expectations of who you would be. She loved you for who you are. To my head it would be disrespectful to her memory for you to try to hide who you are by wearing a dress she didn't buy you. Wearing the last suit she bought you is a very touching thought, and is more than appropriate in my opinion.

Your cousin's comment seems a tad transphobic. No one would ever think to suggest a biological male to wear a dress to his grandmother's funeral. And no one should ever suggest any man should wear a dress to a funeral. It doesn't matter if you are a trans man or not, you are a man. Your grandmother acknowledged and respected that, and accepted you as well. You are NTA, wear the suit, and ignore the cousin who is being an ahole.

NTA. Your cousin is a transphobe. Wear your suit & don't think about it for another second. I'm sorry about grandma ❤️

This is your cousin's issue,  not yours, so let her deal with it. If your grandmother was picking out suits for you, she can't have had huge objections to you wearing them. NTA

Nta

If you are crafty you could take some of your old dresses and add a train to your suit jacket in homage to her. Or get femme family members to wear them (all assuming you still even have them). And then if your cousins says anything give her a withering look “we are at a funeral and the thing you are most worried about is policing my clothing? I’m sure grandma would be honored you aren’t mourning her today and putting your hate over your love for her.”

NTA. The cousin is just showing you how transphobic they are.

Your gran was ill and while painful, it is understandable that she forgot things. But while she was still mentally capable she supported you, and that's all that matters, so I think you should wear that last suit she got you and be proud of it, and ignore your tansphobic cousin.

NTA. Gran is dead, she doesn’t care what you’re wearing. Funerals are for the living. Wear your suit and slay.

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I, 21M, am a well passing trans man. I'm tall, relatively muscular, short hair and just overall guy-looking. My Grandma passed away recently, and had Alzheimers for quite some time before she died. She often used to not recognise me or ask my mum where [my deadname] was when I was right there. She would sometimes say she'd love to see me again and it was overall painful for the whole family. Before I came out gran used to love picking out dresses for me, and afterwards she moved onto suits.

But when she started forgetting stuff she kept talking about what kind of dresses I like now, what she should get for me, etc. The funeral's next week and I mentioned that I would probably wear the last suit she got for me which was black and a vest just for extra blackness. My cousin looked at me like I'd just said the most ridiculous thing on the planet and she said, 'no, gran would have wanted to see you in a dress' and how I could disrespect her very wishes on such an occasion and what an asshole I am for putting my needs over hers when its her funeral.

I didn't quite know how to respond to that and luckily I was saved by her kids who started making a mess so she went after them. I frankly, think she's being fucking ridiculous. I couldn't pass as a girl if I tried anymore, much less fit into one of my old dresses. I think it would be utterly disrespectful if I showed up in a dress, it would look far too ridiculous/comical for a funeral.

I'm 99.99999999999999% sure I'm not the asshole. I'm genuinely just no longer the build to be in a dress, I'm a grown man, it would be a joke. But just in case I'm missing something, AITA? I don't want to disrespect gran at the funeral but I really think wearing a dress would be more disrespectful.

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NTA Alzheimer’s puts your loved one’s mind into a Time Machine. At least yours only forgot you came out, mine forgot you weren’t supposed to say ethnic slurs sometimes. But it’s not the person that they grew to be with their full minds and in a sense a part of them has already died.

Upsetting that your cousin somehow thinks that her Alzheimer’s meant grandma in her right mind thought you were a girl.

NTA. I have no idea how you wearing something your gran literally bought you would be disrespectful.

NTA

She picked out that suit, which means she approved of you wearing it.

NTA. Your grandma has passed, and I'm sorry for your loss, but her wishes don't really matter. A funeral is a chance to say goodbye, not a marionette show where you're the marionette for someone who isn't alive to see it.

Wear funeral clothing appropriate with your day to day wear.

You are 100% NTA. Wear the suit. And anyone who doesn’t like it can pound sand.

NTA at ALL. Even if your grandmother never got to know you after you came out, it would be ridiculous to expect you to wear a dress if it gives you dysphoria; passing or not. Wearing black is a bare minimum for most dress codes at funerals, and even if you were a cis woman, it would be absurd to expect you to wear a dress if you preferred a black suit instead. So, first of all, you aren’t TA anyway since it’s not like you’re trying to wear something that is absurd for a funeral, like a Halloween costume.

But what’s even more insane is that before she lost her memory, she supported your transition and went from buying you dresses to buying you suits- and your family is trying to tell you she “would’ve wanted” you to wear a dress to her funeral?? No. If she supported you and bought you suits and knew you as a man before she got sick and forgot a lot of things, then she most definitely would support you being your authentic self at the funeral and wearing a suit. It’s absurd to me your family is basing “what she would’ve wanted” you to wear off of after she forgot. Yes, if you never came out and she never met you as a man she would have hoped you’d wear one of the dresses she gave you- but she met you past that at one point and bought you suits- so who she was when she met the real you would absolutely be just as happy if you wore a suit she gave you.

Like- she has passed, now- and they’re worried about what she would think of what you wore based on the state of her memory when she was last alive?? I’m not religious, but if she was watching over, I’m pretty sure her human memory problems wouldn’t carry over- she would have her memory back, I’d assume, and remember you’re a man and be happy to see you in a suit. If she knew you and supported you as a man, I don’t think her spirit would be flabbergasted to see you in a suit. I don’t think ghosts have dementia. (Sorry if that’s blunt, but it’s just bonkers to me that your family thinks you’re gonna hurt her ghost’s feelings when she is gone, because she has already known you as a man.)

Rambling aside, you’re NTA.

1, not only because what you want to wear is 100% appropriate to wear at a funeral regardless of your gender, but ESPECIALLY for your gender as a man.

1. Their reasoning is that she always bought you dresses and would’ve wanted to see you in them- BUT she also bought you suits and accepted your identity while she was alive- her memory loss doesn’t change that. So you’re STILL wearing something she gave you by wearing a suit.

2. Ghosts aren’t affected by human illnesses. If their reasoning is that at the time of her death she didn’t know you were a man and was expecting your pre-transition self to attend in one of the dresses, that literally does not make sense, because if she is in an afterlife now and watching over, she has most definitely regained her memory by now and would be happy you were in a suit she gave you. She would remember you were a man by now.

And 4. Passing or not, it is infuriating anyway to be expected to wear something that makes you dysphoric. It would be especially awkward like you said since you pass.

NTA. Your family is just transphobic.

NTA

Your grandmother bought you suits before her mind left her. She knew who you are and loved you.

NTA. Your cousin is using grans death to show her true colors. Wear the suit and tell cousin she’s gross.

“Putting my needs over hers when it’s her funeral”????? Does your cousin realize that funerals are for the living to say goodbye? The deceased is, well, dead. They don’t have a big opinion on it in the moment.

NTA.

I'm a genderqueer person who wears both suits and dresses. I wore a suit to my paternal grandfather's funeral because it's what looked best and it took some of the heat off my dad.

Funerals are for the living, the dead don't care. Wear what makes you look and feel good during a trying and painful time. 🖤

Um wtf is your cousin on?!
Your gran, when lucid and clear of mind, selected suits for you. She only regressed when she lost part of her memory.
Absolutely not wear a black dress - you're NTA!
Your cousin is an absolute moron.

Just because your cousin made up this Conclusion about what a deceased woman wanted, doesn’t make it true.

Add to that, the suit you’re wearing WAS picked out by grandma.

Cousin can keep his opinions to himself. You grieve in whatever outfit you want honey.

X

NTA. You say it yourself, you don't have the build for a dress anymore and can't pass for a girl. you'd look ridiculous and like you were making fun of the entire grieving process.

Also, your gran fully accepted you and your transition. She easily switched from buying you pretty dresses to buying you smart suits. She saw you as a man, not a woman. She had dementia, so she lost the memories of after you transitioned, but that doesn't change the fact she saw you as her grandson while she was mentally competent. It would be highly disrespectful of the woman your grandmother was to force you to deny who you are, who she accepted you as, for her funeral.

Wear the last suit she bought you like you planned. That shows a lot of respect, because you're wearing something she put time and energy and money into getting for you. It shows you remember her for something she loved to do for/with you. It shows you remember the woman she was while she was healthy.

It's extremely disrespectful to both you and your grandma for anyone to try to force you, a man who was accepted as a man by grandma, into a dress.

What the fuck??? NTA.

A dude in a dress at a funeral would just cause more of an issue. You should go in a suit because that’s what men wear.

You are grieving. To thine own self be true. Wear something that is both respectful and what makes you comfortable.

NTA

When my great grandmother was dying she had trouble recognizing people, her dementia had gotten worse and the virus that had infected her was only getting stronger

When I spoke at her funeral however I made sure not to mention how I saw her the day I visited, how she looked, it wouldnt have been right, it wouldve been like dreding up her corpse, instead I spoke about the times she was happy, about the stories she told me, about the things she liked to do, etc, I remembered her for her.

Wearing a dress would be an insult, it would be like saying to the world that you only remember her for what she became, she should be defined as who she was, what she represented, by wearing a dress youd essentially be spitting in her memory, the memories you've made with her, the memories everyone has made with her

You should wear that suit, it's far more fitting both to you as a person but to her, I doubt she would want you to remember her by what happened to her, she would want you to remember her for her.

Before I came out gran used to love picking out dresses for me, and afterwards she moved onto suits.

NTA, she accepted you for you when she had her mental faculty. Honor her the way she really would have wanted imo

NTA. “Gran would have wanted to see you in a dress” is irrelevant. Without putting too fine a point on it, Gran isn’t here. What she wants you to wear to her funeral isn’t exactly relevant. You deserve to wear what makes you comfortable. And honestly if I saw a very male-passing human in a dress at a funeral, I would think it was weird; though I’ve heard of military vet friends doing this to follow through on bets/promises. I don’t mean this in a transphobic way because I bet many people who are transitioning wouldn’t want to be overtly masculine while in a dress, at a funeral of all places.

A black three-piece suit sounds lovely. And she bought it for you? Even better. Go as your true self. That is what Gran would have wanted.

NTA but tell your cousin he's disrespectful af, not only towards you but also towards your late grandmother, by making her look like and transphobe asshole, when she was a decent person.

NTA. Funerals are for the living; the dead literally can't care about what you wear (it even rhymes). Wear the suit your loving grandma gave you proudly and cherish her memory like that, as she deserves 💜

Wear the suit and point out that she bought it for you: that this is how she demonstrated she wanted to see you

Your grandma got you the suit because she wanted to see you in a suit. That was the real her. NTA. Wear the suit. You’re not a girl.

Grandma helped you pick out suits. She clearly accepted you and loved you, and would want you to wear a suit. She couldn't recognize you at the end, but that's typical of people with dementia. It doesn't mean that she secretly wanted you to wear a dress to her funeral. NTA

NTA babe.

You're her grandson. Wear what her grandson would wear.

OP, if your grandma, before getting Alzheimers, recognized you as who you truly are and bought suits for you, I'd say she would be just fine with a suit, as now she isn't suffering from Alzheimers anymore. Your relative is an asshat and apparently just showed her true colors that she doesn't accept you for who you are. Definitely you are NTA, but they sure the fuck are! Wear your suit and be proud.

There’s a lot of good answers here so I won’t echo since it’ll be the same as most.

What I don’t understand is why people make such a huge deal about what OTHER people choose to wear to a funeral. You’re going to honor the deceased and say your final goodbyes, not put on a fashion show. It’s not like you’re showing up in a swim suit. I wouldn’t think twice about what your cousin said and just go how you planned to go. 

Absolutely NTA. Your cousin is way out of line. There is no circumstance in which you should have to wear a dress. As has been said, even if your grandmother hadn’t accepted you, you wouldn’t, but it’s lovely and wonderful that she did so in what universe would she want you to do something that would be so painful to you? The suit she got you is a nice tribute. I feel like your cousin is going out of her way to ignore evidence here and she clearly doesn’t really understand what trans actually means, or does and doesn’t care. You have zero obligation to listen to her. I’m sorry for your loss. 

NTA. The good thing is that this is coming from your cousin - just one of the other grandkids.

I would probably wear the last suit she got for me

What is your cousin talking about? Gran got you that suit, so you covered in that front.

NTA, the respectful thing to do is to come in a respectful manner.

NTA gran picked out suits for you before the Alzheimer's so in her right mind she would have wanted you to wear a suit. Funerals are for the living so you should wear the suit your grandma bought you. And like you said you'd look ridiculous in a dress and that would upset way more people. Your cousin seems to be just transphobic af.

NTA. To be blunt, she is no longer here, so "her needs" are nothing.

The most significant thing you can do to honour her and remember her is to be yourself and go to her funeral and celebrate her life with the people who knew her. You won't be disrespecting her at all by doing that.

NTA. It sounds like she was very accepting of you when her mind was still sound, and im sure thats the grandma she would want you to remember. Bonus points that she's the one who bought you the suit. Wear the suit, and wear it in her honor.

NTA. I didn’t read past the first sentence. I’m sorry but she’s dead. “Gran would’ve wanted..” but that doesn’t matter? She’s not going to be there to see you in the dress. They’re manipulating you using your feelings for your grandmother as leverage.

Your family sounds toxic imo.

NTA I'm sorry for your loss. You should respect the wishes of your grandmother from the time when she remembered you as you are, not as you were. The person she was talking about towards the end is part of you but is not the current you. Given that she was picking out suits for you before the decline, she clearly respected your identity and wishes, unlike other members of your family.

You're NTA.

Your Gran bought you suits, which says to me that she loved you as you are. If she had her memories back, I think she'd be sad to find out she'd deadnamed you. Your cousin's demand that you wear a dress is not just disrespectful to you, but also to your Gran. She'd want you to be yourself.

NTA. You are not a woman. Why would you wear a dress? You’re still honouring your gran by wearing something she bought for you.

NTA. Gran bought you the suit you want to wear. What’d the difference?

I recently lost my grandma to dementia too. Part of the disease is that their mind kind of regresses. My grandma could remember things from when she was a child, but nothing from the past 20-30 years. She still thought she was married. (She’d been divorced for over 35 years.) She’d ask me how college was going (when she remembered who I was), even though I graduated almost 20 years ago. She said horribly outdated things that she never would’ve said before the disease.

Point being, at the end, your grandma wasn’t living in the present day. What she would really want is to see you happy. Your cousin can mind her own damn business.

NTA. Your Gran loved you as you are now, even though she lost some memories. She bought you that suit. Wear it.

NTA - Explain that while you deeply respect your grandmother and her wishes, you need to honor yourself and your identity. You have the right to be yourself and express your identity in a way that feels right to you.

If you wear dark colors like black, navy, grey, or charcoal, you won't give anyone much to talk about. Try a long dark suit jacket with any color shirt except white. For some inspiration, go to TJ Max, Ross, and local thrift stores.

Pick up a pair of whole-cut oxfords because they're masculine but elegant, and you can wear them with anything (jeans, suits, business casual).

So sorry for your loss. NTA. Your Gran bought you that suit.

You are definitely not TA here. Not by a long shot. Your plan to wear a suit sounds perfect.

Nta and your grad is dead so it doesn't matter what she would have wanted. Wear a suit.