AITA for not sticking up for my wife to my mother?

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

1) I never said anything when my mother insults me or my wife/our home and 2) because I leave my wife to fend for herself then still want my mother to visit. I am worried i am a bad husband by not setting clearer boundaries, despite not knowing what to say

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

YTA

Your mother's behavior is upsetting your wife. You can't bury your head in the sand and pretend its not happening and that your wife just needs to deal with it. Be a husband and have a conversation with your mom that her comments aren't appreciated and won't be tolerated.

Look at this way, would you walk into someone else's house and start commenting on how clean it is? If no, then you already knew the answer before you came here

YTA

This is an ongoing issue with your mother - it isn't just one or two off the cuff comments that caught you flat-footed. You know she's constantly criticizing, you know your wife doesn't like it. By your description your mother sounds exhausting and unpleasant to be around.

You need to grow up and have an uncomfortable conversation in which you actually tell her that her behavior bothers you. Not that it bothers your wife, that it bothers *you* and that you don't want to invite her to your home to insult you.

" I usually try to support her behind the scene"

YTA and enabling your mother's poor behavior. This is your wife and partner your mother is belittling. Your family is your problem to solve.

"says my mother can’t come anymore unless I’m planning to stick up for her."

At least one person in the relationship has a spine.

Yeah sorry but YTA.

Coming over and starting cleaning is I guess a "mum thing" but still super disrespectful to your wife.

Just like the rest of your mums actions.

You don't need to say something in the moment but by now you had like a million opportunities to say something before or after one of your mums trips.

YTA - so your mom is a rude, mean, petty woman and you have let it slide all these years and now wonder if your wife should also enable her bad, egregious behavior?

No she shouldn’t and YTA for not having a backbone. Your wife doesn’t even have a husband who stands up for her against mean comments.

YTA

" My wife is upset with me and says my mother can’t come anymore" .. this is reasonable.

Life with a mamma's boy is rough--and over time your wife will begin to view you as a "less than"--- a less than husband, a less than father, a less than man.

There are PLENTY of things you can have locked and loaded for when your mom acts out.

"Wow mom that was so rude. Maybe we need to cut back on these visits until you learn some adult manners."

"Mom, when you say such disrespectful things like that to my wife it makes me question if I want you to stay in OUR home anymore."

"Mom, if our house isn't up to your standards maybe next time you should get an Air b and B"

The problem is that it appears you value your mom's feelings and prioritize them over your wife's feelings.

YTA here 100%

WTF!!

Dude, your mother basically starts with the criticism before she even gets in the car. Your mother sounds like a control freak. The comments about the junk drawer (which everyone has BTW) and hitting the cleaning as soon as she arrives are not done to be helpful but to passively aggressively mark her territory in your and your wife's home like a dog peeing on everything. That is just plain rude.

Your wife is the queen of your castle and your mom rides in like a banshee to usurp the queen. You need to step in and let your mother know that this is YOUR HOME and her snide remarks are neither helpful or wanted. Your mother is taking your silence as permission to continue her indirect assault on your wife and her domestic skills.

My mother used to be a bit like that commenting on my husband's role in the household, how we raise the kids, yadda, yadda. I nipped that in the bud real quick. A. No guests are allowed to criticize any members of my household. B. My house, my rules. C. No guests should be looking in junk drawers. In fact, apart from the drawers/closet space given to guests when they visit and perhaps the cutlery drawer in the kitchen, all other storage items are off limits. D. Offer to help with cooking, cleaning, etc. but if I say NO, I mean NO.

If stepping up means your mom won't speak to you for a while, so what? This is a conversation you need to have with your mom and I would suggest you do that when you pick her up at the train station. Go to pick her up alone and tell her that you look forward to her visits but she makes it difficult when she comments on things in the house that aren't to her liking. It makes you feel inadequate and you're sure your wife doesn't appreciate the comments either.

And before I forget.... YTA

How long does it take to come up with the words, "Mom. Stop it. That's rude."

Maybe write it down if it's too complicated in the moment.

YTA.

YTA.

. I guess I am slow because I have trouble doing that.

That, sir, is a lie. You're not correcting your mother because you don't want to. And you don't want to, because:

my family is very passive aggressive and we almost never confront things head on - I’ve tried to change that and it ends with them just refusing to speak to me

Grow a spine. Or buy one from Discount-Spines-R-Us. I don't care, but stop letting your mother walk all over you.

Yta for letting your mom be so abusive.  Are you really that blind and dumb about mom's behavior or are you just as bad an ahole as your mom?  Sound like the apple did not fall far from the tree. Bad husband. 

YTA by ignoring this behaviour and supporting your wife behind the scene is condoning your mothers behaviour.

 You are telling her it is acceptable to criticise your home, your wife and your life.  I can understand why wife does not want her back

YTA, why is it on your wife to organize the drawer, clean, put the suitcase away? Tell you mom off! You have to like having the messy drawer, dirty car, suitcase in the way etc. otherwise wouldn’t you have taken care of it?

Well if you’re so slow with the responses to Mommy then at the very least you can kick up your cleaning around the house so things are nice and orderly for her visits. Win/Win, you don’t have to put mommy in her place and your wife doesn’t have to hear her nonsense. Till then, YTA.

YTA

Your mother’s behavior is unacceptable. Your wife doesn’t want you to have a bigger conversation because you’ve allowed this behavior to go on for so long, it may be clear that she is the only reason you would confront your mother. So you already dropped the ball on this one.

Pick one statement and use it over and over. Like “I don’t appreciate your judgemental comments.” If she tries to reply or argue with you, just repeat yourself- “I don’t like your judgemental comments, please stop.”

You cannot use being “slow” as a reason not to deal with this. If you really cannot respond to your mother in the moment then you need to tell her she is no longer welcome to stay with you. And that you would love to visit her at your sister’s place during her next trip.

YTA.

Try, “Mom, you can be polite to my wife and I while you are a guest in our home, or I can give you a ride over to (sister’s name) house right now. You chose.”

YTA. You're (and the rest of the family?) apparently doesn't mind being treated like a doormat; you "put up" with her comments so she feels there's nothing wrong with them.

You should sit down with her and tell her that her comments are demeaning and hurtful. No, it's not going to work if you just do "in the moment." This is an ongoing issue. Tell your mother before her next visit, and she continues this behavior on your visit you and your wife confront her together.

YTA I feel sorry for your wife.

You’re being a coward. You may be fine ignoring these comments, but clearly your wife isn’t.

Grow a pair and say something to mom. The way she’s acting is rude AF. What are you afraid of? ‘Mom, your nasty little barbs have to stop. It’s rude.’

YTA

YTA. Your mother isn't just nitpicky. She's a bully. She's deliberately mean. Just because you're used to this treatment doesn't mean it's okay to let it slide. Call her out on her comments in the moment and keep doing that instead of expecting your wife to grow a thicker skin.

YTA. And please stop the Eeyore nonsense “I’m too slow”, “I’m an idiot”. It’s pathetic. Pull up your big boy pants and tell your mom to stop bullying your wife. Your wife wants you to catch her in the moment? Too bad. It’s more important that your mother knows the behavior is not acceptable. This isn’t a game where you try to time instructive remarks when your mom is being sassy. If your wife wants the behavior to stop, she has to be comfortable with the confrontation.

Geez. It needs to be out in the open. Or it will never end. Both you and your wife should present a united front, beginning with you talking to your mom.

YTA. You may benefit from reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

"I've handled it by ignoring her"  you do get that you have not handled it at all right?  Instead a more accurate statement would be I've enabled it by ignoring her.  

Who cares if she doesn't speak to you for months, the alternative is your wife continues to be insulted and her husband continues to fail to stick up for her.  How long do you think your marriage will last if you don't grow a spine and draw some boundaries with your rude mother?

YTA 

YTA, and you're obviously right that your family is passive aggressive because that's exactly what your mother is doing, making snide underhanded comments meant to make your wife feel lesser than, which is apparently completely lost on you. You need to confront your mother in the moment, correct her and back up your wife. You're being a shitty husband with this.

YTA ignoring in this case is enabling her behavior. Those comments are 100% directed at your wife and she is boundary crossing by going and cleaning your house. She's your mother, so you should be the one setting boundaries with her.

YTA. Your wife has asked for your help. You don't have to be perfect, or have a witty quip ready, just say "Mom, that comment was unnecessary and not very helpful." or "please keep your comments about our home to yourself". I'm sure your mom will act super offended, and that's the behavior you ignore. Not the insult, but the pouting after being corrected. Do what your wife has asked of you. It's the decent thing.

YTA - 'She is just like this' , 'Ive handled it by ignoring it' - your not slow your an ass. You do hear it you do catch it you just would rather your wife be upset than your mother.

Everytime you 'let it go' have essentially told your mother she is correct and she has a right to treat you and your wife this way while simutaneoulsy telling your wife her feelings are not important.

I normally lean toward your family your responsibility to say soemthing but if someone came into my hosue and treated me like that I do not think I would hold my tongue long.

DO better. BE better. stop making excuses. Stop letting your mom be happy making her comments and your wife miserable. making up behind the scenes, where you mom can't hear you talk shit about her is a half ass attempt to ensure no one is mad at you.

YTA  If your wife is bothered by these comments and directly asks you to do something about it, you should. While I feel that a private conversation would be better, and a direct confrontation might make MIL feel embarrassed, I see your wife's point and it is not my call to make. While I get not wanting to cause conflict, your wife is getting emotionally hurt and I think that should be your priority. I would say not to make too much of a fuss about it, maybe just a "Hey, please stop commenting on stuff like that" or maybe just make a jab at her back to get her to back off. While I get that it might not work, you should try, and while old people might sometimes get stuck in their ways, I'm sure she can improve with the right approach. BUT I would talk over with your wife of how that might go over with MIL and a general plan of action, just to make sure that you guys know how to handle the situation.

YTA - aww do you not want to upset mommy?

YTA. There is no defence for not backing up your wife in the moment.

YTA. You grew up with this and have chosen to deal with it. Your wife didn’t ask for any of it. She’s being forced to deal with someone she knows is going to degrade her, and you’re okay with it because you chose to deal with her comments your way. Your wife is now an additional target, which should be handled in a way that she has input on. Would you be okay with anyone else insulting your wife, or is your mom the only free pass?

YTA, but you are not going to grow up and take care of it, so I suggest your wife leaves every single time your mother comes to stay with you. And for the whole time. She can get a nice hotel room near where she works, go to the spa in the evenings, watch her favorite shows, dinners out. Every single flippin' time. Because then you can happily remain passive aggressive without your wife being the brunt of your mother's BS. "My wife isn't comfortable around you, mom." Shrug. "What's a boy to do?" Smile. "No, you can't call her, she has both of us blocked. I guess it's just you and me."

YTA. This will ruin your marriage. It seems like small things to you because you’re desensitized from years of dealing with your mom’s bullshit. Trust your wife. Even if you don’t understand why she’s upset take it seriously and have some empathy.

YTA. I have a rule. If you can't stop running your mouth in my home, I'll run your ass straight on out

Both of you need to grow a spine. Your mother is a grown ass adult and can handle being told to shut up and sit down or get the fuck out

YTA defend your wife I’ve seen so many marriages end over MIL being rude like this seriously just defend your wife you don’t need to come to Reddit to know that your wife should be your priority my guy

Yta

You wrote all of that and still needed others to give judgement? You need to put on your big boy pants and confront your mother about her comments, if she doesn’t speak to you for months then what? You’d rather your wife be constantly belittled by your mother instead?

YTA. You know your mom, you know she's going to make these comments and you know they're going to upset your wife. It's time to do something about it BEFORE the next visit. You need to tell your mother that the snide comments need to stop or her visits will stop. Period. Stand up for the woman you made vows to.

YTA. Grow a spine and start standing up to your mother.

"Mom, do you realize how much of your conversation is criticism? Is that how you want to be?"

Yta. Practice now. “Mom, we love having you here, but please don’t comment on xxxx. We see it and we will get to it when we have the time.” Start practicing this before your mom’s next visit so it just rolls off the tongue.

YTA, your mom is being unbelievably rude and making completely unnecessary comments to her. This is your wife, someone you agreed to cherish for the rest of your life, you should 100% stand up for her. You can do it without hurting your mom, but you need to let her know her comments are not welcome in the slightest.

YTA

Let your mother stay at your sister's house , if that isn't possible... make her stay at a hotel

YTA. As soon as she made the car wash comment you should have shut it down with: perhaps an Uber would be more to your liking next time. The junk drawer: no thanks, we’re fine with it. The cleanliness comments in general: it seems like you might be more comfortable in a hotel. All of these are polite responses to impolite barbs. Either start shutting her down, or let your wife take a little vacation when she visits. Grow up.

You want to stick up for your wife but don’t…. Dude stop letting your mother bully your household…

YTA

YTA. You’re not slow you just don’t want confrontation. I understand, confronting someone you never have is difficult but you’re being unfair to your wife. Don’t blame her when your mother is no longer welcome in your home because it will be your fault.

You’re not slow, your brain has just been trained to ignore it so it’s hard to catch and you should probably explain that to your wife. You’re so used to dealing with it that it’s just easier not to. But yes, you need to stick up for your wife. When you hear your mom make a comment about something that’s undone, just say “yeah we have to prioritize things since we both work full-time and that’s not high up on our list. Sorry if that bothers you, but it doesn’t bother us. Thanks for noticing”. Just throw that shit right back. However, many older people feel the need to contribute when they’re staying as a guest. It’s just good manners. They don’t like to have nothing to do. So why not give her a job? “Hey mom, while you’re here, the pantry organization has just got totally out of hand because we’ve been so busy. You think you can organize the cans and stuff for us? Please don’t throw anything out without asking first. Thanks!”

Also, maybe you and your wife develop a codeword. When your mom says something negative and it’s an opportunity for you to address it, maybe your wife should say “maybe we should go to the movies tonight?“ “ oh darn I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning”. Some thing that will trigger you to open your mouth.

FYI this is how you will get divorced if you don’t stick up for your wife or unless your mom dies.

YTA. It's not her house. And critiquing a woman about her own home is rude. The mom can just shut up and stop virtue signaling how "helpful" and "quippy" she is.

If you don’t want to say anything to mommy. Then you pay for your wife to go on a spa trip or all inclusive resort whenever mommy comes. You don’t want to deal with your passive aggressive mom since like you said you can’t of a rebuttal in the moment. So your wife shouldn’t have to put up with it. It’s not her job to make you man up. Upsetting mommy is clearly too much for you. So you pay for a full trip plus spending money eventually after paying for trips you’ll realize it’s in your best interest to be a an adult and tell your mom to stop being passive aggressive to your wife. YTA.

My MIL once showed up unannounced with a friend because they were in the area having lunch. She took her friend on a tour of our house with us along. She loved the house because we were living on the coast and had a beautiful view. She made a point of opening the door to the 3rd bedroom where we stored random stuff and it was always chaotic. I felt this was deliberate as she knows what that room is like. She of course made a comment about it and OH said "If you want things perfect then don't just show up like this." She was embarassed but knew she'd never win against husband.

Man up and say something. If your mother starts her visit by commenting on your car needing a wash that's the perfect opportunity to tell her she's starting this trip off all wrong and you hope this won't be ANOTHER visit filled with criticism of how you and your wife live your lives, maintain your home, etc.

You keep saying you tune her out, yet you know every comment she made. Try harder.

YTA.

You're not only an asshole but you're spineless & pathetic. I won't stand up to my mommy about her behaviour I'll just ignore her. You ignoring her is signalling it's ok for her to do it. Next remark about the car tell her she's welcome to walk or find another way to where she's going. As her to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY why she thinks her behaviour is appropriate. Your wife is probably getting more than a handful of comments. Why don't you let your mom stay with your sister until mom can behave

YTA. Enjoy being divorced.

YTA. Damn and you're a shitty husband to. How would you like it if her family came over and starting commenting on everything you do or don't do? Grow a damn spine and tell your mother that her behavior is not acceptable.

YTA, you're not slow but you don't have a backbone.