AIO for my husband saying that ‘he just wants dinner on time’ when I asked him what he wanted of me during an emotional discussion about our relationship

There is nothing to save, this dragged on for way too long already.

You got your answer straight from his mouth, "let's just get through this for the kids". This marriage is already over, he will leave you the minute the kids are grown.

I'm so sorry you've been treated this way for so long. Don't buy into his stay together for the kids nonsense, get out of there asap. Your kids are old enough to read a room, they can feel all of the tension and stress, and you would be doing no service to them to keep them in that environment. Also, I can't imagine what the stress of this situation contributes to your health. I think you and your kids would likely be much more relaxed and happy away from his toxic behavior.

I don’t think he cares or even likes you at this point. I would consider moving out and on with your life with your kids and leave him to it. I honestly wonder if your health will also improve because you wouldn’t be as stressed and happier.

If you can manage it logistically, divorce will be far healthier for the kids than living in an emotionally abusive household just to “keep it together for the kids”. 

Not overreacting.

Your marriage was over that first fight. Sorry. Salvage yourself and the kids and move on to a better life. Living with him sounds awful

It does sound like the marriage is beyond saving. I think you need to seek professional help to deal with the emotional trauma you’ve been going through, someone to help you realize you’re not overreacting to this lack of kindness and empathy that you should be getting from your spouse.

Perhaps he's an asshole AND you're overly dramatic. Both things can be true. You don't need the internet to tell you it isn't going to work out---you knew the answer the moment you started typing.

He is tired.

That if he doesn’t create the environment for everyone that it may collapse.

Doesn’t matter if he is depressed, unfulfilled, or just sad that it doesn’t matter because everyone else needs him.

He maybe depressed and all I have been reading is about YOUR needs, YOUR medical issues, and what YOU have sacrificed.

Maybe, just maybe he is tired about it always being about YOU. He has definitely shut down and I kind of understand why.

Marriage isn't something you just get through. Support from your partner isn't something that you should have to beg for.

This isn't a marriage. Your children are suffering.

It sounds like he is annoyed by you. That he feels like you create more issues for him than necessary and he is fed up with it. Which is why he says you are dramatic and mentioned "you and your triggers". And considering all the "health issues" he probably thinks you are a hypochondriac doing it for attention. Without his side of this story it truly is hard to give legitimate helpful advice but I will say if you have invalidated his feelings at all in the past it likely caused him to become rock hard which explains those times where he became a wall. Since men are not very emotional or rather we compartmentalize and control our emotions better it is VERY hard for us to be vulnerable and share our feelings even with our wife. So even invalidating his feelings once can cause a man to put up a wall forever. Once that trust is breached it is very hard to get it back. And from your story it seems that could very well have been the case and in his head he is probably thinking "my wants and feelings don't matter so why should I care about hers" which is why he seems very cold. In his mind you not only don't care about him but you cause him all this stress and all these problems and are asking HIM why he is being emotionless is what it seems like to me.

I say this because I was that husband who was married to a woman who didn't give a crap about how I felt. It was all about her all the time and eventually I stopped caring about her. Her vile words towards me didn't hurt me anymore because I didn't care. She would call me XYZ and then the next day asked why I am so emotionless with her. She would spend all of our money and when I told her we need to create a budget she told that she isn't going to stop her spending habits and that if I am that worried I should get a second job AGAIN. I did that for 2 years and worked 17hr days 4 days a week...Anyways I eventually became the shell of a man I once was before meeting her. It took me years after my divorce to regain my identity.

I am not saying this is the case because again I don't have his story but from your story it seems to be the case that he has a wall up now from something.

Your first step in getting freedom is getting citizenship. Just focus on that.

There’s a way to practically test this and it’s very simple

. Have dinner ready on time for 1 week and see if there’s a difference from 1 week with dinner not being on time.

When the last kid turns 18, he'll divorce you. This isn't mean, this is his sacrifice for the kids. There is never any obligation to stay with someone outside of maybe kids (and personally, I wouldn't stay for kids, I think it's worse for the kids and takes away prime dating years from the parents)

If you didn't have kids, somewhere along the way, you'd have just separated naturally because he's not strong enough to ignore the fact that he can't fix you and just be emotionally supportive (which is a lot harder than doing a chore or paying money). He's repeated multiple times that he wants an "easy" life. Most people get one right? All lives are hard, but most people don't have the level of struggles that you're working through. Somewhere along the way, he burned through every ounce of care and stopped being that "amazing guy everyone is envious of being with" which makes him hate himself even more.
His emotional volcano is full because he failed to keep it empty by negotiating through every conflict and never letting anything fester. Now it just simmers and overflows at any sign of emotional stress.

He could, with therapy, work to empty out that volcano, but it's far easier to zone out on his machines and count the days until he's free of the commitments he made, then you divorce, you get whatever is your fair legal share, and he moves on with a new empty volcano that hopefully he does a better job of keeping empty with someone new.

Waaaaaay too much reliance on Emotion and Reactive Living.

Oh...and congratulations....your son is picking up on it.

How proud you must be.

Your husband gave you a huge clue in his declaration.

"he just wants dinner on time".

If you skipped school the day they taught Relationship 101

allow me to translate.

"I am so Phuccing Overwhelmed by Life I will settle

for smallest bit of reasonable structure I can get!!"

Based on your OP I count your husband having FIVE

full-time jobs.

Why don't you all work together to help each other succeed?

FWIW.

Would love to hear the husbands side.

Honestly all your crying sounds exhausting. He doesn't like you. Get your citizenship and leave him he doesn't gaf aboutt you. Kick him out of the house and file for divorce. Get therapy.

I have an autistic child, and I'm at a hard point in my time at work where there's a lot of projects due all at once. I'm stressed, but managing, and everything about our routine day to day is still normal and functioning as it would be, we snuggle in the morning, we go to school, we snack in the afternoon during the transition to therapy, we do activities in the evening, we wash up in the evening and lights out at 8:30.

My child started having 1-2 meltdowns every day since the start of my projects. I'll put down money it stops when I turn the project in. Even though I've kept every part of her routine the same, she's picked up on my anxiety and internal stress and is reflecting it, almost for me in a weird way.

Kids pick up on this, I had a friend in high school whose parents divorced after she graduated, they only stayed together for her and she already had depression and anxiety before that, and then had crippling guilt that she kept two unhappy people together after. Better to divorce and put together a stable home for them to come to where you can have your own slice of happiness.

I do suspect some infidelity, but that's just a feeling. Either way, if he's not going to counseling with you, everything he's doing screams 'checked out', and indifference is really where the relationship is dead.

I’m not trying to start a fight but you mentioned your autoimmune issue and not being about to care for a dog? Are you on any type of pain prescription? I sense there’s more going on here and his frustration is beyond the dinner time.

He's checked out for whatever reason. Maybe it's an affair, who knows. Take your kids back to the U.S. on a trip and then send him divorce papers

You're over reacting. I don't see anything that he did that's bad.

All i hear is you crying about not getting what you want like a child.

You're making so many assumptions and then projecting them on him and starting the fights yourself which is obvious in your narrative.

He is not responsible for your triggers and it's sound like you've abused him so much with those that he can't take it anymore.

You are an adult - stop trying to make him take responsibility for your emotional regulation.

Leave him alone and suck it up for the kids.

This is so overwhelmingly one sided and even at that there is still so much being left out. You will get exactly the responses you want based on how you wrote this. It seems you are ready to let go as he is since you came here seeking an echo chamber. There just isn't enough in the post for this turn out any other way except to be an echo chamber. You two need counseling, marriage counseling, and if one or both of will not commit to it then indeed the marriage is over.

I suspect he is feeling like the relationship is very one way where he has to be all and do all for everyone and even the simple things he needs and wants get shoved to the side. You sound like you need an awful lot of special care. The things you claim you did for him also benefited you enormously. Not saying this is right or if it is how he is feeling that it is justified, just that based on the scant info you shared I can see this being the case.

I obviously don't know either of you, and I'm only privy to the information that you've shared here, but it makes me wonder if you know how much emotional stress you might be putting on your husband?

Kids are hard, being a parent is hard, life is hard, but you mentioned you're "healing from a traumatic childhood", "Obviously this has had an impact on him, being with someone who is messed up". Why are you messed up now? Were you not "messed up" before? How often to you bring up problems associated with your healing? How often do you use your narcissistic mother as a crutch for your behavior?

you also mentioned you've had medical problems that you're trying to figure out. "I feel like now in these past few years since it’s gotten worse, he’s gotten angrier and angrier because he has to pick up more slack". That wears on a person, even a 'till death do us part spouse.

Just like one person who's 6'1" can easily lift 90 lbs, another person who's also 6'1" might struggle with it. Different people have different capacities for emotional bandwidth, and from what little information I have, I think you're husband has been pushed to his capacity for such a long time that he's emotionally shut down and only lashes out in anger when it bubbles over.

When he told you he wanted "Dinner on time", what he's actually saying is he wants normalcy, he wants regularity, he wants a partner that he can rely on and put his faith into. The fact that he's told you, "You're always making drama" tells me that you have a history of making mountains out of mole hills, and that you've probably unintentionally started a crisis cycle where you find yourself in crisis after crisis, and they never truly get resolved, so it's a constant "I can't do this now, I can't do that now, we can't eat this anymore, you have to do x, you have to make y for the kids, you need to rearrange your day to pick me up from z.

I have a family member who's fallen into a crisis cycle. For example they lost their phone at my father's funeral and made it an emergency for everyone to help them find it, then pouted when I refused to help them look for it because I was literally visiting with his childhood friends, college roommates, previous co-workers, etc. They ended up homeless at one point because they caught their house on fire, they come up with any and every excuse to not keep a job (it's never their fault though, it's always some kind of illness, chronic pain, car broke down, lost phone, etc.) and to be frank, it gets exhausting constantly listening to them boo-hoo about how their life is in shambles and they just have the worst luck, when in reality, they refuse to take responsibility for anything and let things deteriorate to a point that it's an emergency before they take any actions, and even then, it's not their emergency, it's everyone else's emergency to help them.

I don't think your marriage is beyond saving. If he was going to leave, I think he would have by now. I also don't think he's having an affair, because he most likely would've left for his mistress at this point if there was someone else.

To be completely frank, I think you just need to take an emotional step back from your husband. Find someone else to confide your fears and worries in, and don't give him any negative news unless it's truly important for him to know/ going to impact him in some way (like you're going to have to have open heart surgery). I know you're physically limited now, but do what you can and absolutely stay on top of it. If all you can do is wash the dishes, then make sure they're washed everyday. He will come back around and find his happiness in the relationship again.

TL;DR: If you want to save your marriage, stay on top of what kind of energy you're bringing to the table. While he might not show anything in the moment, everything has an affect on him, and I think he's emotionally burned out

Have you considered taking what he said literally?

Based on your own one sided post….you don’t work, you don’t do many house chores, and you don’t even cook dinner even though the kids are in school. And it seems like you’re constantly complaining and upset about stuff.

There’s a good chance he would be fine if you started pulling your weight and stopped being emotionally exhausting all the time. He has explicitly told you this. And you’re responding with “I better ramp up the drama!”

Probably won’t be popular to say here, but that’s going to wear most men down and make their feelings for their SO fade over time. It sounds like this has been his life for years.

Husbands and wives should absolutely be there for each other when they are sad or when times get rough…but there are definitely people that are always upset and constantly demand emotional capital, and it can wear people out over time. Especially when they are always the only one working and doing a bunch of chores too.

Sorry you're going through your medical issues. I've had my share the past nearly three years. Not fun. That said, the picture you paint sounds pretty exhausting. You can't honestly expect that to persist without wear on the parts.

"I feel like my beautiful life that I’ve worked to build for my family is just a whole sham." Your beautiful life sounds like a reason to day drink. I think you need to seriously examine how happy you are with how things are. When you accept that it's not as rosy as you want to tell yourself, you can work towards getting somewhere good for you.

Everything has a shelf life. Your husband has indicated that he, as a husband, is well past his. To be honest I don't blame him. I'm sure it's been draining, and everyone can't go on forever, no matter how we try. Everyone taps out eventually. You deserve to be with someone who has more left in the tank, but it's not reasonable to expect it to be him.

As soon as you brought up the dog I felt you’d be an unreliable narrator. The man is solely responsible for the dog because no one else is in the house and he’s telling you he can’t do it anymore and it’s better for everyone to rehome it. And you refuse. You refuse to help or provide solutions. He’s drowning and begging for help and no one cares about him. 

Have you tried making dinner on time?

I am sorry but it does sound like you create a lot of drama that would be difficult to deal with. I couldn't live this way. I need peace. That doesn't mean it is your fault. But at what point are we supposed to become adults? Therapy is clearly needed here.

You sound exhausting and dramatic. Do the man a favor and leave him. He probably feels obligated and won't just leave for his own happiness.

God damn you are a narcissist just like your mom.

I’m not even married to you and I want a divorce. So much drama…

I'm going to go against the grain here and ask. Have you been the abusive one in this relationship. Taking out your now known truamas on him for years and he finally broke and now doesn't care. Because based on your statement and the most common truamas of being a child of a narcissist it's more then likely that you have been picking fights just to have them along with years of abuse. Then you now know that you have truama and get angry when they are hit. So HOW MANY YEARS DID YOU TAKE YOUR TRUAMA OUT ON HIM. I'm going to guess all 17 years. He called you dramatic but you also elivate literally everything to a fight. He seems like an asshole and maybe he is absolutely one. But its equally likely you abused him with your triggers for years until he broke and chose to stay for the kids only. And now that you are "getting your shit together" you are expecting your victim to get over their shit and move on. Both are equally likely with what you have wrote.

He’s checked out and you sound exhausting. Three days of dishes on the bench with children in the house? You’re both as bad as each other. EDIT You don’t work and you don’t do the stacked up dishes? Have you thought that maybe you’re depressed? It’s a thing.

You are a doormat. Please get out and teach your kids self respect . Having survived a narcissist you can do it. Stop feeling like there is anything wrong with you. Your husband sounds like a coward. Please get some peace into your l8fe, your kids will thank you.

You’re not working a full time or part time job? And why couldn’t you do dishes that sat there for 3 days? And did you tell this guy you want to be coddled primarily as his number one job. You sound like a massive wimp. Probably like a wet blanket day in & day out. Stop focusing on the man’s stuff and get yourself some ways of being better. If this man has stuck through all this and you leave you have a mighty big space to fill in daily life living.

Sounds like he would have divorced you years ago but has been staying for the kids. Neither of you is happy and haven't been for years. Get a divorce. It will be much better for the kids.

Yeah. He might still love you, but he doesn’t like you anymore. You sound exhausting. Your endless problems. Your inability to cope with those problems. Your constant picking at him so that he does not know a moments peace or even to have the privacy of his own thoughts. Because you “have to know”, Just reading through this diatribe of “woe is me” is something i found exhausting. You complained about his mom in the comments you say your mother is a narcassist, you say he is mean to you. Look, if you have problems with one person, it could be you, it could be them, it could be the two of you together, but if you have a problem with everyone, YOU are the problem. Your son is upset and you go to your husband and make it about you? Are you even listening to yourself? Get dinner on the table on time and shut your yap and he might feel like life is a bit easier. It seems like you have become a narcissist as well. So are you Overreacting? Yes, my dear, you are overreacting and probably have been for years and he has reached the end of his patience for you and just wants to watch his boys grow up. Be better. Best of Luck and Godspeed.

I'm sorry but I'm going to be the devil's advocate here for a moment.

I read your story and it's a bit all over the place. First, let me tell you what others have told you: it seems like your husband has checked out, and how he's acting towards you is certainly not how a loving husband should behave.

Now onto you. You spent a lot of time describing your mental and physical health issues. It seems to me that you like to trauma dump everything on your husband just like you did here on reddit. It seems that you're always seeking some form of reassurance, comfort or whatnot, and I'm guessing this is pretty exhausting to your husband.

You do not work, yet you complain that he does not bill enough hours to account for the time he spends on the computer. He has to pick up the slack in house chores, as you say, because of legitimate physical problems on your part, yet you don't seem to appreciate it and only complains that he's angry about it.

You sound like you have a lot of problems, but I agree with your husband that you seem to feed in the drama. From his point of view, you're a needy woman who sucks a shitload of energy talking to him about all your "triggers", constantly demanding his support and validation and for him to change his behavior to avoid your triggers. You seem under the impression that you need to discuss this with him all the time in order to not let your trauma affect your relationship; but you talking about your trauma all the time IS affecting the relationship. It's so evident, can you not see that?

You talked in this post about all he does wrong and about all your trauma. You look like you demand a lot of your husband but you don't talk about what you bring to the relationship or what you do for him. You seem entirely focused on yourself and your trauma and you're honestly terribly dramatic about it. You seem high-maintenance.

I apologize if I come off as harsh, and I have compassion for you and what you're going through. But I think you need to look at yourself in the mirror for a while.

Yes. You need a therapist. Your husband is not a therapist, and he can't keep up with you. He still needs to make sure he provides for every family member, so no one is on the street. It's overloading him. Men are fixers. He can't fix this, only you can fix things (or becone better) within yourself.

Sounds like you're not doing as much as you should be and he resents you for it. He's the only bread winner and you can't even do the dishes or have dinner ready?

“A self-fulfilling prophecy is an expectation or belief that can influence your behaviors, thus causing the belief to come true. The idea behind a self-fulfilling prophecy, also known as the Pygmalion effect, is that your belief about what will happen drives the actions that make that outcome ultimately come to pass.”

I’m saying this from an empathetic place, truly. I’ve also read your last post about your relationship on another sub.

I think it’s good that you’re figuring out your issues with your mom. I do however, think you would benefit much more from therapy than you would from any Reddit community and I hope you’re seeking therapy out if you haven’t already.

You also stated that one of your ailments is still undiagnosed. Maybe don’t put labels on anything until the doctors are sure. If you already have a lot going on with your health, the additional self diagnoses’ are simply going to be annoying to your husband. Especially if he has to do more of your housework because of it.

What types of jobs do you each work? Your post history shows you live on a farm. Is the farm the income? Does one of you do farm work while the other commutes to another job? You stated that he’s been picking up more housework due to your physical health. Does farm work tie into that?

My advice:

•Continue focusing on your mental and physical health. But make sure you’re going to professionals for that help.

•I don’t mean this in an offensive way at all, but stop over sharing. You can focus on yourself and sort out your past, your baggage, your own emotions - but here’s the thing, you don’t have to share every detail with anyone, even your husband. It’s about you. Keep some of it inside.

•Stop using the word trauma so often. Yes, trauma is a real thing. But unfortunately most people have some form of it to live with.

•Listen to his words. He doesn’t want the drama. He wants a simple life. He wants dinner ready on time. Etc. I’m paraphrasing because I’m not going to go back and pull direct quotes, but it sounds like he just wants to have a normal day to day without having to constantly “discuss” the marriage. That would be exhausting for anyone.

•This is going to be hard, but you need to do what you can to pull it together in front of your children, whether you stay with your husband or not.

Men are simple creatures. He's tired of you being over dramatic for so long.

This will probably be unpopular, but you do sound like you could be a bit draining. 

It is not surprising that your children are picking up a lot of your habits 

More than anything else, my concern would be that your kids don't seem to have a parent they can talk to or turn to. 

If you're not in therapy, I would strongly suggest that you do so. 

I believe that even if you and your husband were to divorce, you would continue to have the same challenges with your mental health 

For your children's sake, please see about therapy

Work on your exist plan. Stop focusing your energy on fixing the relationship because that ship has sailed. Flip the switch and do what you need to do to get out and survive. Talk to a lawyer.

OP, I didn't yet read any comments. My feeling about your story is simple. I'm very sorry to say, but he doesn't love you anymore. I don't know why. You don't know why. You did a lorlt for your family. You do so much. But what you do doesn't make him love you.

Curious: Do you work outside of the home?

I wish my folks would divorce when I was 2 years old (the first time they planned to get a divorce), but my mom stayed and dragged for too long because she thought and feared the same thing -- bad for kids (I have a big brother who was a teen back then). No; it's not. I have grown mental issues and traumas because they stayed under the same roof for too long , so I suffered 2 decades of abuse and bigotry from my so-called father. Then, he passed away, and I never got any closure, not even a sorry, and I never will, except all the nightmares I still have (I'm in my 20s now). Children understand and feel everything, and it's even worse knowing their father has nothing but disrespect, resentment, and coldness towards their mother. It is also easy for boys to learn and pick up such attitude and behavior from their father. I'm not saying yours will, and I am sure you have lovely kids. However, my brother has grown up with great education and all that, and he still thinks men are superior and more important than women.

I hope you get treated with love and respect as you deserve, but I also hope you would realize that kids could be a common and easy excuse for your own fear to walk out and move forward. Wishing you all the best.

He’s checked out. He thinks he is doing everyone a service by sticking around “for the kids.” But he doesn’t give you emotional support because he doesn’t care for you any longer. He has decided that he is done empathizing with you. Walk away and I bet without him your health will improve because your stress will decrease.

This marriage is over. Stop trying harder, you’ll just burn yourself

Your husband has already checked out. He doesn’t love you anymore. Staying together for the kids stopped being an option when he stopped being respectful to you and treating you like a human being. I guarantee your kids have already picked up on a lot more of what’s going on than what you think. Do you really want them to grow up in an environment where they think it’s normal that mom and dad don’t love each other and aren’t nice to one another? They absorb everything they see and hear. You need to do what’s best for YOUR mental health and divorce him. Beat him to the punch. Don’t stay in a loveless marriage because you think it’s better for the kids to live under one unhappy roof.

Im not trying to be devils advocate, but can you truly say everything in this story is 100% true? The only way a man turns bitter like that is if you did something insane and/or he felt like you did. Did you have an affair that you thought was under wraps? Get super close with a colleague or something? Etc. You said he all of a sudden became super upset and you moved past it but it really feels like all of this is stemming from way back when. You said he feels no attraction to you anymore, he doesn't even sleep in the same bed as you. The answer lies in whatever happened all that time ago. Are you sure during the time he became distant you guys didn't have an argument and blow up on him and say something you should never say to someone? Could it be that your struggle with narcissism has left you blind to how you've treated him/stuff that youve done? I know everyone here is always the first to shit on the guy/propose divorce but if you want the marriage to work you may have to do some introspection/deep diving into what happened way back when. I want to be clear that I'm not trying to insinuate that you are solely at fault because regardless he should be communicating his feelings like an adult, but something about this story really feels like we're not getting the full picture. Either you did something you thought was in secret and he found out, or someone started a rumor you were doing something, or he found someone else that may have "treated him better" or something. Wish you the best, and hope either he comes clean about what's bothering him so you can move forward, or if he refuses to act his age you get out of there super quickly.

I will be really honest with you. First. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Second. This man has had enough. In mid forties a man is as much a man as he will ever be. He starts to realize what he's done with his life. At this are a man wants peace. And it seems like the longer you two are together, the less peace he has.

You are an emotional wreck that is sapping every bit of life out of him. And you mention your child is the same. I'm guessing your child is this way because you have rubbed off on the child, children copy what thier parents do. Now he has two people who depend on him and require more care than most people can handle.

Why doesn't he leave? Because he's a good dude. And doesn't know what to do. So he stays and is miserable. You don't get better, and the cycle repeats.

You are unhappy because of your mental illnesses. Imagine how unhappy he is having his life ruined by something he has no control over.

Jesus. I had to stop reading. Just a bunch of excuses as to why your behavior is ok, and how it’s your moms fault, and he needs to change, blah blah.

I’m exhausted reading this. I can only imagine how the husband feels.

Not trying to be a dick, but I’m trying to illustrate a point. Take some accountability.

Don't give away the dog. Give your husband away and keep the dog.

Yes, you overreact. Get coping skills and handle yourself.  If you cry and need comforting as often as you made it seem, you are like a toddler with no emotional regulation.  Your kid didn't want to go to a dinner so you cried? Really? How are you being their rock (like they need their mother to be) if you cry around them enough that your husband's mother commented on it??  Have you been evaluated for borderline? If your mother was as narcissistic as you say, the trauma can impart that disorder on you.   Look into it.  Leave the husband for both of your sakes, he's obviously lost all his respect for you if he does not outright hate you by now.  

He sounds like he’s really annoyed with you. I can’t tell if you’re bipolar or not but you kind of sound like it. Most ppl, esp men, will shut down when harangued with “why don’t you love me?” on the daily. Sure you did all this work for him but that doesn’t make a man love you & when they feel like they “owe” you they may get more emotionally distant. You are with someone who doesn’t sound like they care very much about your well being. Can you move on without him? I don’t see this improving & could get worse sorry. I hope you get the emotional support you need. There are groups like CoDependents Anon that helped me & my husband when we were like this. Still together after 40 yrs.

Honey…the second he said “let’s just do this for the kids sake.” Means he plans to dump/divorce you the second all the kids are out of the house. If he hasn’t already started an affair it’s only a matter of time.

Cut your losses because all y’all are doing is passing on more relationship trauma to y’all’s kids.

Is this the kind of relationship you want them to model theirs after?

Do you want your son to treat his wife like your husband is treating you?

Do you want your daughter to think it’s ok and normal to take the emotional and mental abuse that you are going through?

If not, than it’s time to end it.

You need to spend this time making and implementing an exit strategy.

Sorry, but you sound like a LOT of work. Drama, trauma, and everything else. Sounds like he feels you think your feelings are the only thing that matter so he has checked out. Now, I'm not sure if he is correct or if he is a narcissist who just can't be bothered with you being a human... maybe it's a little of both, but you DO sound like a ton of drama and work.

Him saying he just wants dinner on time and things to be easy means exactly that. Guys don't want drama. Relationships should be easy and that's what he wants. Wanting dinner on time means he can't rely on you for even the simplest things. You asked what he wanted and he told you and you blew up. He can't be honest with how he feels because you are so sensitive and just blow up. He is in a no-win situation. And when you can't win, you don't play.

His emotional distance combined with your drama/oversensitivity is a bad combination. If he was always emotionally distant and uncaring, you knew what you were getting into. If he was caring/sweet at first, you burnt him out with your neediness/drama (or he was manipulating you). No matter what his issue, you have more issues that you need to work through and overcome. You having triggers doesn't give you a right to dictate/control his behavior. It's your job to overcome those triggers and if he is caring, he will try to help and avoid them temporarily. In the end, you have to fix yourself.

Personally I think that you're not listening to what he wants and needs. He's got a valid point about the drama, and he wants dinner on time because you don't work.

You're an adult and a mom, it's hard to understand that you saw on the internet stuff about narcissistic parents and decided to involve him with stuff like triggers.

He also probably feels like since you don't work, he shouldn't be doing 3 days old dishes. Then you screamed at him for telling you what he wants.

Your fragility was probably too much of a burden for him to deal with, which I guess is what he meant by you making things hard and loving drama.

He probably sees you getting upset about things he thinks you should be able to shrug off and is fed up of having to deal with it.

He's ended up feeling contempt for you as a result because he can't respect someone he sees as weak and pathetic.

The fact that he said he just wants dinner on time gives me the vibe that he's saying he wants you to get something done right without making excuses.

It's hard for a relationship to survive contempt.

Have you tried asking him directly why he doesn't like you ?

He sounds like an asshole but honestly you sound like a lot to deal with too.  I got tired just reading your post.

All a man really wants is a little peace when they get home, a nice meal on time when they get home. It sounds like OP is just an exhausting never ending source of chaos.

I don’t believe that you did as much as you say you did. He will move on and you will still be complaining

Sorry. I was mentally exhausted reading your post. With your new found , late developing trauma from a bad childhood to your new triggers and dirty dishes in the sink for three days over a torn meniscus (I’ve had surgery for that) arthritis, crying all night, then still crying when you wake up the next morning, etc.. I’m think your husband has checked out a while ago to save his sanity. You blame him because your son didn’t go to a school dinner? Is there any introspection taking place? I also believe he is having an affair, maybe not a physical one, but an emotional one. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted because this website usually gives upvotes to people who recommend divorcing. Asking for one decent meal, served every day, so all of you can sit down as a family to eat together seemingly made you completely unhinged. In actuality it was his cry out for normalcy. One hour per day, with his family, without drama. BTW, your kids would benefit greatly from this.

He's definitely checked out. I'm guessing although you have been An amazing wife your history with your physical and mental health also took a toll on him as well and it's not fair too both of you how it's played out. At this point your marriage might just be another trauma bond you need too let go too set yourself free.

This is toxic. He's not happy. You're not happy. You're having to be the emotional "Pursuer" and he just shuts down, flooded, Avoidant personality likely. It also sounds like he may have had some kind of infidelity or relationship outside the marriage during the original difficult time when he was mean and cold. He was cutting himself off. He may have felt you were too "needy" but that's an excuse, don't give him a pass. But if he felt criticized by you, that is something you need to work on with your delivery of your needs and expectations. "I really appreciate you doing the dishes. Hey can I get a hug? I'm having a bad day your support makes me feel comforted".

You can break up, or you can try individual counseling or marriage counseling if he's willing. But something is going on with him. He doesn't perhaps feel you are strong enough to deal with whatever it is. He may see you as "less than" or lacking self-respect. His flippant answer, "dinner on time" is an effort to push away the pain of your interraction.

Not overreacting but it sounds like your husband might be depressed.

Something has happened that's too painful to process. He's therefore shut off. Any emotional response to anything will be triggering. Don't try to help, it'll make it worse. He's gone somewhere, and probably won't come back, or come back the same.

You're beating a dead horse, your relationship ended years ago. He is only married to you because he has children living at home. He doesn't want to put effort into rekindling the relationship. You are married in name only. The sooner you accept that, the easier your life will be. You have two choices: treat him as a roommate (a nonfriendly one at that) who you coparent with, or leave. It'll be easier to skate uphill then to try and get your husband interested in your marriage again.

He literally told you to your face that he is staying in it for the kids. He doesn’t want to deal with you and you staying and “trying to figure out” the mystery of somebody not giving a shit about you and simply tolerating you has led to all the pain you’ve endured thus far while not leaving. When he took a few days and came back and said he’s sorry, he thought about your kids, not you. Now he’s sick at the sight of you because it reminds him that he has chosen to remain married to somebody he can’t stand “for the kids,” who will be fucked from this. Weak people do this - they do not leave and “push through,” to the detriment of themselves and everybody around them.

it honestly sounds like he liked you because of your trauma and issues with your narcissistic mother and now that you’re healing and doing better and pointing out triggers he has obviously gotten comfortable doing, he doesn’t want to adapt to this new normal. at this point it’s not about whether or not he wants this marriage, it’s about if you do

I mean, you're co-parenting. Which is the best thing for the kids. Marriages don't have to be all about the two of you. There are others you brought into it. Seems like he's trying to hold the team together for the final half of the game. You just have to realise that's his priority, which is.hardly a bad thing. But you can't force love and with the laundry list of issues that are coming up in your message. He may just be feeling like he's giving and giving and trying to hold the ship together without any help. Best advise is to simply know your marriage is no longer one built on the love between you, but about your mutual love for your kids, and work as a Team. Like a work team. Or a sport. Or anything that requires team work without romantic love. Once the game is finished, have a chat in the locker room before going your separate ways