I (f34) am getting married to my fiancé Jayden (m36). We have been spending a lot of time planning the wedding, and recently the problem of our guess list came up . A little back ground, my mom was a neglectful parent. Constantly leaving me by myself for days to spend her time with men, leaving a CHILD to take care of herself! Around the age of 15 my mom dropped me off at my grandparents house and told me she “wants nothing to do with me”. I later found out she got married and had 2 other kid and she only stayed in contact with a select few of family members.Now our current situation my mom reached out to me a couple weeks ago wanting to meet up for lunch ( she got my number from my cousin). I was hesitant but eventually agreed with encouragement from my fiancé just to see why see was reaching out after so long . I went to lunch with her this passed Saturday . At lunch she express that she wanted to an invite to my wedding which she had heard about from my cousin . I then told her that she would not be receiving an invite as this event was only for family. She then goes to say she is my family and deserves an invite and she will help pay for the wedding. I again politely declined and restated this event is only for family and that her money would not be needed because my husband’s family was covering the whole wedding. She then demands that I give her an invite because as my mother she deserves to be there and I would be insensitive and an asshole for not having the woman that raised me at my wedding. I then told her that the woman that raised me would in fact be at my wedding and it was not her, it was my grandmother who had been there for me anytime I needed her while growing up while the woman that birthed me went and played house with another man. I grabbed my stuff paid my half of the bill and left as my mom screamed across the restaurant demanding a wedding invitation. Upon returning home I told my husband about the whole conversation and he completely agreed with me. A day later I got a call from my mom demanding I give her money for my half sister’s wedding and she knew I had the money because she knew how well off my husband was and her asking for a wedding invitation was her being nice before asking for money. I responded by telling her I don’t give a damn how well off my husband was I not giving a single dime to the woman who abandoned me as a child for a new family, then acting like I didn’t exist until she wanted money. I continued by saying that not only was she not invited to the wedding but I no longer wanted her to contact me. Before she could respond I hung up, blocking her number. That was 3 days ago, since then I have had family members saying they understand why I was upset but I was a bit harsh. I even had family members decide they no longer wanted to go to the wedding altogether. My fiancé and grandparents think I am hundred percent in the right . I can’t help to think I might have been a little harsh. Am I the asshole?
AITHA For Telling My mom I Don’t Want Her at My Wedding Or In My Life
This, and officially univite the other trash who are threatening not to attend. You don't need them either. Hope the wedding is beautiful.
NTA and hire security
Don't be surprised when someone brings her to the wedding or other events, claiming you need her in your life.
If anyone does bring her to the wedding, have Security kick them out too.
Agree, and cut out those flying monkeys from her life.
With a chainsaw
If you're in the US, off duty cops can be hired for security. The venue may be able to assist in organising this.
If you do, get them coffee and feed them, they'll appreciate it and it's the decent thing to do.
There is something seriously mentally wrong with her. Protect yourself and block the flying monkeys too..
And password protect all the various arrangements so that evil person can't cancel anything
Absolutely.
NTA, you were not harsh enough. Go back at the cousins with all the facts and then go nc. Do it in a big group chat, and be scathing. Then totally cut them off.
NTA Your egg donar is a bitch,
NTA
Anyone that could think that witch (the incubator) was in any way right doesn’t belong at your wedding. The trash took itself out. Please think about hiring security for the wedding. She’s the kind that will show up trying to intimidate you at your wedding.
Have a wonderful wedding day and many years of happiness.
A bit harsh.....
Seriously, tell them that being a bit harsh would have been having CPS called out every time she abandoned coz she needed a D stuck in her..... And start naming the Ds and the times.....
Mom offered to help pay for YOUR wedding, but then wants you to help pay for your half-sister's wedding? She has all that spare money that she was intending to use for OP!
Empty offer. She used it to wedge herself in.
NTA. The his is YOUR wedding day and you and your soon to be husband are the only ones that matter. It’s about you and your husbands future together and if you don’t plan on having someone in your future you have every right to not invite that person. Best of luck to you and your future
Assuming all you wrote to be true- And I do, You know you’re not the asshole here, you are just looking for a ton of affirmations. Your mother sounds like a vile , manipulative POS. Hard to believe anyone in your family would support a woman who abandoned you, officially, like 19 years ago? So, move on. Have a beautiful wedding and a better life. Living well is the ultimate equalizer. Peace.
NTA, I think your mom is a jerk and she’s probably engaging in a defamation campaign against you. Just stand your ground. She needs to deal with the consequences of her reckless behaviour. I’m not here to judge her as something might have been going on with her mental health but from what you’re saying I 100% agree with you that you should just block her for your own sanity
NTA. Not too harsh. Anyone who would chooses her side doesn't deserve to come to your wedding. Frees up seats for better people. Respond accordingly. Write them a note or text to acknowledge their decline, and you go ahead and invite someone else or save money.
*Have security and a guest list at your wedding.
NTA keep her blocked. She sounds freaking awful and if you let her into your life, she's only going to bring drama.
NTA. What a troll of a mother! First she abandons you then tries to reconnect for the purpose of gold-digging. Good riddance....
I think the difference you & me, is that I would have used words guaranteed to get me thrown out of this subreddit.
If anything, you weren't harsh enough. By refusing her an invite, your mom showed the TRUE reason for contacting you. (She thinks) You have money, and she wants some of it for the wedding of her other kid. Hell to the NO.
NTA.
No longer coming? Cheaper catering bills and/or more room for friends that didn't fit in the initial cut because there's always limits.
Tell the family who are choosing her side, that you see no reason to invite her because she is only wanting one thing. She has been asking you for money, because she knows your fiancés family has money.
Tell her to take the money she “offered” to pay for your wedding and use that for her daughter. NTA
Ha ha. There you go. Perfect solution for mom.
NTA and I am proud of you for telling her no. She doesn’t deserve one more moment of thought. She is a crap human being.
NTA. Your egg-donor stopped being family the day she dropped you off at your grandparents house.
NTA. Any family member who sides with your neglectful mother is not worth your time
You know you are NTA. Come on. You weren't harsh either. Harsh is abandoning your child.
Keep her blocked. Block any flying monkeys. Enjoy your wedding and married life.
Nope.
She was only asking for an invitation "to be nice"?
Before asking for money?
Yeah. That's a hard no.
NTA
NTA. Any family that says they aren’t coming to support her are not family. They are gigantic assholes. Do not give into that manipulative bitch.
The less, the merrier. ???
NTA and not too harsh. You, your husband and your grandparents who raised you are the only one who's opinions matter. Good riddance to the others not wanting to go to the wedding, they're not worthy of you.
NTA, and those so called family members who decided to not come to your wedding... Well that was the trash taking itself out
NTA, at all. Good for you for cutting her out.
I even had family members decide they no longer wanted to go to the wedding altogether.
Good riddance
Well if being fair was harsh, so be it. Don’t feel bad standing up for yourself, and not letting that woman still trying to treat you as shit.
You were firm and not taking BS. You were not mean, nor rude. NTA
nta - hire security.
NTA. Too harsh? My friend, you weren't harsh. Brutally honest? Yes. The truth hurts.
Nah ma’am, let that trash take itself out? In regard to the guests who have dropped out. This is your new life, close the door on the old and don’t look back.
NTA she is very entitled
Sigh. I wish MY trash took itself out.
NTA!
NTA, my wife's story is very similar to yours, ultimately she asked me to help her remove her incubator from her life. Unfortunately for her incubator I taught her that she doesn't have to answer to me or anyone else she can make her own decisions and it is ok to say no even to me. After that she became self confident enough to tell her incubator to kick rocks she will not tolerate her abuse and degradation any longer.
Keep her out she has made it clear why she showed back up in the first place she wants money now that she found out you and your soon to be husband are well off. She didn't help you get there she has no place there now.
You were not harsh. You were honest. You owe this woman nothing after she abandoned you as a child. As to the family members who no longer want to go to the wedding, their choice. I doubt they’ll be missed.
NTA. Congrats on your upcoming nuptials!
You have set the boundaries for your mom's access. Your fiance is backing you up. Some of your family is under some weird impression that you have to forgive someone who abandoned you cruelly. No.
Stay strong and once again congratulations. :)
NTA. You were not harsh enough. Be grateful that now you know who from your family really cares about you and who does not.
Those family members who no longer want to go to the wedding are doing you a favor. Forget about all of them and enjoy your wedding with your actual family.
Have security at your wedding cause she’s definitely showing up and making a scene.
NTA. Anyone else refuses to attend because of your egg donor is not anyone you need in your life either, and they’re doing you a favour by declaring their interests now.
You might want to have security on hand to watch for the egg donor.
NTA what a weird mom. She left you first.
NTA
You might consider reaching out to your relatives to put the record straight. You can talk about how much you owe your grandmother and other family because your mother did x, y, and z. You can also share that you were willing to connect and give your mother a second chance. However, your mother didn’t actually want a relationship with you, she wanted the attention of being your mother at your wedding. Since then, she has been pressuring you to give a half-sibling she never wanted you to meet money.
I was waiting for the other shoe to drop when she wanted to meet up. It could have been a feeling of guilt but was almost certainly money or maybe a kidney or other organ.
NTA. Enjoy your wedding. She was never your mother and will never own that title. She's trash. Hire yourself security and tell this cousin that if she shares any further info about you, she will be removed from the guest list and blocked. Anyone else making statements can go ahead and fund the trash.
I think you were just the right amount of harsh.
adjective 1. unpleasantly rough or jarring to the senses
Not a lot of people (even family) can understand what it was like to live with a truly abusive and neglectful parent. They can't empathize because they can't fathom that kind of pain inflicted on a child.
Do the people who think you were being “harsh” know that she admitted she only wanted to reach out to you so she could ask you for money? She doesn’t even give a fuck about going to your wedding. She really just wanted to ask you for money for her other daughter ‘s wedding. I would let all those people know the truth and then tell them if that’s the way they feel thank you for letting you know now so that you can make sure you know whose numbers to block.
Honestly, honestly, fuck your mother what a horrible selfish bitch. You are in no way the AH here. and any family members who choose her side after hearing the truth not people you need in your life anyway! Fuck everyone of them.
Nta. Your mother's a whore Trebeck.
YNTA. Your family members have no concept of what your life with your bio mom was or is like and they should stfu.
That woman is a POS. I suggest you cut her off completely.
NTA
Absolutely not
NTA
Make sure you "politely thank" everyone who defends her and declares that they aren't coming.... their choice means more funds for food and fun for all the wedding guests who do support you and agree with not inviting the egg provider who abandoned you.
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with these flying monkeys.
May the rest of your life be filled with joy and happiness.
NTA. Your reaction was perfectly justified, given your past with her, and her behavior when you said she wasn't invited shows she has not changed a bit. Cut her out of your life and do the same with anyone who boycotts your wedding because of this.
NTA and isn’t it good that all the relatives who are as messed up as her have removed themselves from the wedding?
You are nta, like at all. You have your feelings and they are valid and based on a history that she seems to forget. Enjoy your wedding and I hope you’re happy
NTA.
UpdateMe
Good riddance to the “family” who decided a neglectful, shitty excuse for a mother is more important than the child she abandoned. Think yourself lucky those lowlifes escorted themselves from your life. Your mother is history, leave her there. You’ve done nothing wrong. There is no place for that vile piece of shit in your future.
I think you were 100% in the right. Your mother sounds terrible and super selfish. She abandoned you until she wanted something from you. You can't withdraw money from a bank account if you never made any deposits
41 years ago, I told my mother that if she didn't shape up and start treating me reasonably I would cut her out of my life. She got worse. It took me 9 years to push her out of my life successfully, but I did it. I haven't seen her in 33 years and haven't spoken with her in 32. She's still alive, and I keep rough track of her so I know where to avoid, but I don't see her or speak to her.
So no, I don't think you're doing anything wrong by not having her in your life. Family members who decide they don't want to go to the wedding over this, first you should officially withdraw their invitations and notify any vendors that they have been removed from the guest list (so for example you will have one less person for dinner, unless you choose to invite someone else), then ghost them, block them on everything, and never speak to them again.
Family members who say you were "a bit harsh," you have my approval to go ballistic and demand they apologize, under penalty of doing the above to them too.
NTA Tell family, "Harsh is after years of neglecting child so you can sleep with men then telling your 15 year old daughter as you drop them at their grandparents house that she wants nothing to do with me before driving off. Harsh is coming back almost 20 years later pretending that you want a reconciliation and that you care but really only wanting money." Those that want to be around a woman who does that can have her because you want nothing to do with her and they can give money to her. Then send a list to your mom stating that these people say you need help so you might want to hit them up for money.
Man. These bullshit stories are just getting worse and worse.
These idiots cant even come up with something creative anymore. Just hit all the tropes and hope for the best.
Abandoned child? Check
Entitled parent? Check
Screaming restaurant? Check
Blows my mind how many people just believe this mess 😂
NTA
So your egg donor offered you money to help pay for your wedding as a bribe to get an invitation. Then in her next sentence asked for help to pay for her daughter’s wedding? How does that work? Why doesn’t she just take the money she claims to have to give to OP and give it to her child instead?
NTA. What your bio-mother did was outrageous - not only did she demand an invitation to your wedding, but that demand was just the thin edge of the wedge to demanding money from you. You were absolutely right to refuse and block her.
You can write a group text to the relatives on her side explaining what happened. But I would just ignore them If they tell or text you saying they don't want to come to the wedding, you can text them saying you have removed them from the guest list and informed the caterer. I'm sure some of them are making empty threats and do mean to come, and they will be really angry when they discover they are actually out of the wedding.
NTA
NTA. You might want to block your snitch of a cousin.
Tell her to use the money she was goanna give you for your wedding and give that to her daughter. Tell her I'm sure it will be a lovely wedding since you have that money sitting there anyway and I have no need of it. That you are happy to gift that to your sister. .
She asked for one favor to butter you up to ask for another favor?
First of all, congratulations on your wedding.
You're not the asshole. Just cut the toxic people out of your life. And since she's spreading your business to everyone, make a post on social media. Tell them why you did what you did.
Volunteer anyone giving you a hard time. “I’ll be happy to pass on your willingness to help.” NTA
You’re harsh? What about child abandonment and neglect? She’s not your mother. She’s the person that gave birth to you and has such low self esteem that she needs a man in her life to feel complete.
Your egg donor found out your in-laws have money and she'd like a huge chunk of it. That's why she contacted you. Get security for your wedding so she and her posse can't get in. As for the "family members" that are on team egg donor, tell them they won't be missed.
You don't need anyone in your life who takes your mother's side on this issue.
Seriously what is wrong with your family members thinking it’s ok for your mum to neglect you your whole childhood, dump you at your grandma’s and not contact you for 19 years until she wants money. And not even a small amount, enough for half a wedding for a half sister you’ve never met with her husband you’ve never met. And this is their “don’t be so harsh or we’re not coming to your wedding” hill to die on? You know what’s harsh? Child abandonment
NTA.
Wow, your biological mom is just as selfish now as she was then. She wants you to pay for her daughters wedding? I don't think you could have been harsh enough - abandoning a child is unfathomable. At the moment she walked away, she told you exactly where you fit into her life. Now it's her turn to realize that she no longer has a place in yours. NTA