AITAH for telling my daughter to consider my sister as a role model rather than her mother who cheated on me?

What is the custody situation? From the way your post is worded, it sounds like you have primary custody.

I don’t think you’re TA, but your daughter needs counseling. I’m assuming you don’t want your daughter completely alienated from her mother, and it sounds like that’s the path she’s heading down. Relationships between teenage girls and their mothers are complicated enough, and throw in your wife’s betrayal, this is going to have a lasting impact on your daughter.

Your daughter might benefit from therapy. She was as much betrayed by her mother than you and it's not your fault. She needs a female role model she can look up to, so your sister is a godsend.

All you can do is support her and be her dad. Your ex is the one who needs to fix her relationship with her daughter on her own. Your job is to continue to keep your mouth shut about your ex so you don't give your anger to your daughter.

I think it's not about someone being a role model, but rather someone filling a certain feminine role in her life. Maybe exposure to your sister showed her that doesn't necessarily need to be her biological mother. Their relationship is between them.

If this is real it’s a little strange. Why is a 14yr old so caught up on having a role model in this specific manner? Either way she needs therapy immediately.

Yeah, both of you would benefit from therapy.

Both individual and family.

I don't think your daughter understands what a role model is. She has conflated a motherly role and a role model. I think it has led to a misunderstanding and you essentially told her, in her mind, she could look up to your sister as a mother figure. NTA for the misunderstanding and certainly NTA for being concerned.

Never tell your ex that this is what happened though. Just say that it seems your daughter has difficulty seeing her as a mother due to the way she blew up her daughter's life, and it will take lots of time, patience, and hard work on Mom's part to overcome. This is the hardest age for a child to process and handle divorce, and she really does need a therapist or counseling.

This one is a but difficult.

It is not explicitly stated, but if I read between the lines, your ex-wife was a good mother. So the relationship between mother and daughter was very good till the infidelity.

It is true that one action can change the entire perspective you have of a person. And clearly that is what happened here.

I am concerned that your daughter sees it black an white. as soon as the bio mom is no longer a role model, she is also no longer seen as the mother.

I do not believe that is healthy in the long run for your daughter to distance herself from her bio mom.

The infidelity should not be downplayed or ignored, but the other aspects and influences of the mother over the years should also not be thrown on that same pile.

For now I don't think there is anything you should do. Your daughter is happy and at peace, but int he near future, I think you should encourage your daughter to have a relationship with her mother. Not as a role model, but as a mother.

NTA but it strikes me as odd. Why only one role model? Why does role model = mom? Does your sister know your daughter is thinking of her as her real mom? 

Your daughter sounds like she needs therapy. Is she genuinely thinking of your sister as her real mom? Because that’s delusional thinking, and it needs to be explored.

If your sister is promoting this she's not quite the role model you are building her up to be.

Your wife has done a terrible thing, and you don't need to forgive her, but you have a responsibility to co-parent in a productive manner. Alienating your wife from her daughter is not a productive manner.

So the problem here is that your daughter has a black and white view of people. They are all bad or all good. That means you or your sister just have to fuck up once and your daughter will see you as bad. This is not a healthy way to view people.

NTA. Kids can have plenty of role models (relatives, teachers, coaches, older siblings or cousins) and it sounds like you encouraged your daughter towards one that makes her very happy.

Her mother is responsible for her relationship with her daughter, not you.

NTA. People often forget that cheating does not just effect the couple, it can effect their entire circle. Your ex did not just betray you, she also betrayed your child.

People are rarely all good or all bad. There might be parts of a lot of people your daughter can see as traits she'd like to emulate.

Your daughter saw the choice her mother made, how it hurt you and split the family. Why would she want be close to someone selfish like that or take after them. The mom broke her relationship on her own , daughter is the goat

This story seems a bit off. I have difficulties imagining a 14 yo distancing herself from her mother just because she chooses to take her aunt as a role model...

Maybe she has issues with her mom as she's the reason the family is broken. But the role model theme sounds weird to me.

AI generated?

I'm not sure how (probably through therapy as others have suggested), but it should be made VERY clear to your daughter that your sister is only ONE of many role models. I'm not sure if your sister has or plans to have children of her own. You wouldn't want your daughter to be heartbroken or betrayed if your sister takes on other responsibilities and thus have less time for her

You both need therapy, asap.

NTA...

But your daughter should be in therapy.

So you and your wife had a kid when you were both 18, pregnant at 17? She had an affair so now suddenly you spend nights in hotels with random hookups? There are WAY more issues here than "she cheated on me so I divorced her."

Are you being a good role model for you daughter with all these overnight 'dates' at hotels and your date's homes?

It does not sound healthy for a young girl.

NTAH, your daughter can choose her role model. Your suggestion didn't change your daughter. She already made her mind up that it wasn't her birth mother.

Hey OP, it's time for you and your daughter to see a family therapist. She may need some guidance on how best to navigate all these thoughts and feelings.

Honestly you are for making the suggestion. That was wrong. Your daughter was harmed by mom’s actions. She heeds counseling.

You need to get your daughter into therapy.

NTA I think these are two separate subjects. Her feeling disconnected from her mom and now looking up to her aunt.

This sister vs wife trope on AITAH is starting to get weird 

NTA. But your daughter needs therapy and your ex-wife needs to understand that she betrayed your daughter too when she had an affair so she shouldn’t be surprised that her daughter is distant from her.

Stop having kids at 18 years old

Explain to your daughter that role model isn't synonyms with parent and that you can have several. Try to make other suggestions of good role models to drive home the point. The issue isn't that your sister is a role model. It's that you said she should replace her mom (as a role model).

NTA: Your ex-wife's behavior affected her relationship with her daughter. You did not cause your daughter's feelings. 

Your ex is being really shortsighted if she thought she could have an affair, break up the family and have her daughter NOT be angry at her. 

Having your sister as a positive role model is a good idea. Perhaps your sister can work with your daughter on forgiving her mother and working through her anger and grief. 

She is really struggling and needs therapy. 

Info: what type of language did you use when you had the role model talk?

I’m hoping you didn’t use your wife’s infidelity as the main point. I’m sure you have skeletons in your closet that you are ashamed of. I’d hate for your daughter to use them as reasons to stop viewing you as her father. The biggest issue now is repairing your daughter’s relationship with her mother. It may have been unintentional but you still played a part in straining it. You need to take part in fixing it.

Was your goal here to give your ex grounds to sue you for parental alienation?

This is like the fourth "my sister is an angel/my ex wife or ex-gf is evil" post I've seen.

Nta. Cheating wrecks families and not just marriages. Your ex is finding that part out the hard way.

Whatever you do, be careful. You don’t want her to come after you for parental alienation.

I hope you get your daughter therapy. A friend in high school parents divorced because her mom cheated. It totally changed her, she was a honor, AP student. After the divorce, failing, hyper sexual, doing drugs, hating her mother to extremes.

NTA Your daughter is in the middle of puberty and one of her two most important people betrayed her and the other most important person in her life so horribly. She needs time to heal too(and therapy perhaps). Her need to distance herself from her mother and the conflicting emotions the contact to her causes is very understandable. This won't be easy but remember, whatever your daughter chooses is not your fault here. It's your Ex's fault for destroying her family.

You knew what you were doing.  I don't really blame you, although I would never do that. But don't pretend you didn't want this to happen. 

I’m concerned you are spending so many nights away from your daughter with women you are not in a a serious relationship with. What kind of role model are you?! What aren’t you dating when your daughter is with her mom?

Sounds like a humble brag post lol. We all know you feel no sympathy or empathy towards your lying and cheating spouse.

She needs therapy.

But I will say, you may be walking a very fine line into parental alienation. You aren't bad mouthing her mom but instead of working with your daughter to get through the situation with her mom, you are pushing her toward your sister. You may be inadvertently creating a bigger issue between them.

If your daughter is struggling you should get a 3rd party that's not family to help her navigate her feelings.

As a child of divorce cause by my fathers affair I understand your daughters view. Over the year I ended up going no contact with him due to the fact that he would never own up to the fact that him doing that hurt more than just my mom.

NAH.   

You're an adult and can understand the nuance of different types of roles and relationships. Your daughter cannot. She asked you for a role model and you responded with one, you didn't know she was looking for a motherly role model.    

Your daughter is looking for a mother, motherly influence, motherly role model. Cheating effects the whole family, as does divorce. Your daughter feels betrayed by her mother and doesn't trust her to be the motherly role model she once was. It's not uncommon.    

I personally don't think there's an issue with your sister filling that role. However this does tell us your daughter is struggling a lot more internally with the situation and her relationship with her mother. As her father you should put her in therapy. And do your best not to take your anger out on your ex, even if it's deserved, it'll distress your daughter further. Ask the therapist for tips regarding how to handle the situation, tell them you don't want to cause unnecessary alienation.      

Your daughter is her own person. At 14 she may decide cheating is unforgivable, and the relationship woth her mother may be permanently changed. Let the therapist navigate that choice and discussion. 

NTA. You didn’t tell her not talk to her mom, or not to look up to her. She came to you, and you told her the best female person you know, right? A good human? Ok then.

Now get your baby into therapy. She needs it. Bless your sister for being there for her. Maybe she would benefit in going to therapy too, so she can help your daughter even more without hurting anything with her mom. Sadly…. Her mom cheating has more consequences than a divorce…. And you are seeing those now.

Again nta, and therapy! Good luck and sorry this happened to you.

Your daughter is old enough to form her own opinions about people.

You can't force her to have a relationship with her mom. If she doesn't want to consider your ex as her mom anymore, that's her call. Maybe she'll change her mind about it, maybe she won't. But she is old enough to understand what she did.

It's good that your daughter is happy and it's good that your daughter has another, better female role model to look upto.

You didn't do this - your ex did. This isn't the consequence of your actions, but hers.

NTA. Its better if your daughter stays as distant as possible from the whore ex-wife.

Your daughter needs therapy. She has very black and white thinking and has been harmed by the cheating and divorce.

Dude your daughter needs therapy.

NTA

Your daughter was going to find a role model to look up to regardless.

You merely suggested a positive one.

I do agree with other posters that some counseling might be a good investment as first your daughter needs to understand no one is going to be perfect.

Also while her mother may be a poor role model for any number of reasons she is still her mom so basic respect should be given until such her mom proves she is undeserving of it.

NTA. She shouldn’t see someone who is a cheater and a liar as a role model.

ESH - Your wife for cheating, and you for pushing your daughter away from her mother. A person can have more than one role model. You simply could have told her she could also use your sister as a role model instead of basically dumping her mom.

Hopefully, you're getting daughter therapy.

INFO: How did your daughter find out about the infidelity?

I agree with others that your daughter needs therapy. You and your ex-wife need to work together on helping your daughter to heal, for your daughter's sake. Your daughter need to learn that her parents are humans who makes mistakes, and that's okay. Children don't usually have to deal with their parent's imperfections until much later in life.

Your mom doesn’t have to be your role model and your role model doesn’t have to be your mom. Your sister is an awesome aunt, and it’s great that she’s like a second mom to your daughter.

You made a very human mistake, and with the best of intentions. I agree her mother is a horrible role model. However, your daughter figured that out by herself. She didn't latch on to your sister because you told her to. She did it because she wanted to.

Just avoid saying anything to alienate her from her mother going forward. It'll bite you in the ass.

It seems your daughter was very conflicted about her mother - on the one hand, she was her mother, the one who brought her up and was her role model, on the other hand she criticised and resented her mother for cheating on you and breaking up the home. Your suggestion that she see your sister as a role model eliminated your daughter's conflict - now she could bond with a woman she wasn't also angry at. However, it left her mother out in the cold. I don't think you did anything wrong, but you should try to gently tell your daughter that her mother is still her mother - the one who took care for her, who raised her, who worries about her. And try to get her to be a bit forgiving. It may take time, but it's worth the effort.

you can remind her that all people make mistakes and its human to err. That your sister is not perfect but she is terrific, but that is her aunt, not her mother. That there are many people who can be role models for parts of her life. That she can and should have a relationship with her mother, and that being a forgiving person is also important. Let her know that you have forgiven your ex as well, but that is not the same as getting back together. But that you are co-parents.

Teen years are difficult, and she is being just that, but being kind about your ex will, in time, help her become more forgiving. This will help you and her aunt as well, because, being human, we all screw up at times. And you will want forgiveness and understanding.

Who the fuck says this to their child. Cheats are crap but she cheated on you, to make that your kids issue means that kid has a shit dad. Your kid should be your priority and you’re fucking her up. So stop wasting time chasing ass and stay home before you have an adult child who can’t for healthy attachments.

I’m going to speak to you a little bit from experience here. My ex cheated and walked out when my three daughters were 7, 9amd 10. To add an extra layer of fun to this mess, we had literally just bought and moved into a house 10 days before he left. And he left two days after Christmas. Best of all… He cheated with the family friend that my oldest daughter is named after. 

So, I’m going to speak to you a little bit from experience, and you can take or leave my opinion on this for what it’s worth to you.

You are a little bit of an asshole. I don’t think you meant to be. In fact, I think you were trying to give your daughter something to hold onto. But here is why I am telling you this…

What your ex did was absolutely wrong. And like I said, I absolutely know how something like that completely tears a family apart. It tears the fabric of your children’s lives. For you, it is not only a fabric of your family apart, but also the fabric of your adult relationship.

Your daughter is understandably very upset with her mom. She knows what her mom did and that it was wrong. But… And this is huge… You have to understand that she’s 14. This is her mom. Your daughter is struggling to reconcile the mom that she thought she had with the person that her mom is.

And the fact of the matter is, whether anyone wants to admit or not, her relationship with her mom was not a lie. You’ve not told us that Mom was abusive. Or that mom your daughter. Or that Mom competed with your daughter. You haven’t told us that she was a bad mom per se. 

So your daughter is having a really hard time reconciling that her mom can literally be two different people in one body. But the fact is that we all are. Let’s take you for example.

You are a dad. You are a business owner or an employee… Whatever it is, you do for work. You are friends with some people. You are a brother. You are a son. You were a husband. And all of these different truly. But of course you are not the same person with your wife that you are with your sister. You’re not the same person with your daughter that you were with your wife. Etc.

Your daughter is actually crying out and asking for help and understanding this. You telling her to have a different role model basically was telling her to ignore her mom. Ignore her done. That her memories of her mom are false. And you have created a dichotomy for your daughter that she cannot work on her own. so, she is going to pretend that her mom was terrible all the time and your sister is now her new role model. 

What happens if your sister does something bad? And she may. It may be an advertent. It may be on purpose. I would like to think she won’t, but we’re human, and we fuck up.

I did not mean to do. And that’s why you were so taken it back by what your daughter said to you. So I’m gonna suggest a bit of how I had to handle this with my daughters, and believe me, it fucking sucked. But there will be more important than my devastated feelings, not just from my ex, but from a family friend.

So I told them… I know this is your dad. I know you’re hurt. Those are normal feelings, and you can talk to me about them at any time. I am sorry that those two people made these bad decisions. I do know your dad still loves you. I also know your dad is human and this was a really bad choice he made.

The choice would be if you’re not happy. Not to pull someone else in and hurt everyone this way. But your dad is human, and sometimes humans are weak. Nobody likes confrontation, so they took the easy way out. Except that it’s not the easy way out and you guys know exactly what the consequences have been for all of us.

I want you to know it’s OK to be mad at your dad. It’s OK to love him at the same time because he’s your dad. It’s OK to not like what he’s done and to acknowledge that it was not a choice. It is also OK to acknowledge the fun times you have had with your dad. The times when he did good things for our family. Those aren’t lies. Those really happened.

And it’s OK to go back-and-forth between being angry and hating your dad, loving him as much as ever. As time goes on, you will come to understand that adults don’t know everything. They don’t always make the right choices. They make mistakes.

It’s OK to tell me when you’re upset, and, if something bad happens when you’re with your dad and he makes another bad choice, you can always tell me. I will always have your back.

They are in their 30s now. And we had many, many talks about things he did or said after the divorce. About how they could figure out if something was true or not, or if dad was just trying to defer blame for something because he just wasn’t adulting enough to own up to his mistake. 

Have fairly decent relationships with him the other woman. They’ve been together for 20 years now my oldest, who saw more like your daughter, has been a little more reticent with her relationship with him. There have been times it has been nonexistent. And I have always let her know that’s OK because her relationships and her boundaries are OK.

She does not need my approval or her dad’s approval or anything else. She has zero relationship with her stepmother. And that I don’t see changing.

So that’s just my take. I think it’s really good to have her be close to her aunt. But it is not really good for you to try to make your sister a motherly role model. It’s more important that your daughters aunt be a neutral party. Someone she can go to if she’s upset at you. If she’s upset at her mom. If there’s something she’s not quite comfortable yet talking to you about.

Her aunt can be that adult friend that is there. That always supports her. That will be honest with her when she’s making a bad decision, and will cheer her on when she’s doing. Always going to be no judgment, whether it has to do with her mom, her dad, her boyfriend, or anything else.

You’re doing OK. I know you’re trying your best. Just hang in there and always be appropriately honest with your daughter. Always frame her mistakes and bad choices, not as her mother being a bad person.

Unless her mom is a bad person. And then, most of this is moot.

NTA…. for telling her to maybe consider a new role model.

But from the way your post reads it sounds like you encouraged your daughter to cut off her mother. Maybe you didn’t intentionally do it and your daughter just saw how you were feeling and reacting to the situation and decided on her own to cut off her mother for your sake, but I would say it definitely has something to do with that conversation.

Edit to clarify: if you hate your ex-wife, your daughter is probably picking up on it and hating her too. Counseling would be the best suggestion.

YTA. Why are you teaching your daughter she can only have one role model? That is not good for her to choose one adult to look up to and then mimic. You're also setting her up to fail, what happens when her new role model makes a very human mistake or shows their imperfections? A cycle of clinging to someone as perfect and then throwing them out and searching for another? What if your sister has a child of her own and is prioritizing her family?

Have another, deeper conversation with her about what a role model means to her and about how we can have multiple role models in our lives. That role model doesn't mean mother, it means someone you can look up to. Bring examples from your childhood about role models you had who inspired you in specific areas.

Your kid needs therapy. Deciding her mother is not her mother and clinging on to your sister as her new mother after just a suggestion from you about role models is deeply unhealthy and you need professional intervention.

What you are doing is called parental alienation and it is wrong. Your daughter is part of her mother. You are not hiding the fact that you are disgusted with your ex wife. Your daughter is half of each of you and therefore, in a child’s mind, you are rejecting the half of her that is her mother. You need therapy! So does your daughter.

I would probably ask your sister to have a talk with your daughter about the difference between mother and role model. Your sister has your daughter's ear. It would be helpful if your sister could explain that it is okay to have a mother and a role model and that the two can be different people. If they are two different people, one does not need to be treated better than or held closer than the other. Both are important.

NTA. Nothing wrong with providing an appropriate role mode for your teenage daughter. Her mother is still her mother, just not her role model; they can be separate. Your daughter could use some therapy to work through her emotions and the divorce. Good luck !

Many things besides your one comment could be shaping how your daughter feels about your ex. Don't try to change her feelings, just support her decisions and she will find her way. NTAH

NTA

Your daughter was conflicted likely because she didn’t want to upset you that she didn’t see her biological mother the same way. Once you gave her permission to view your sister as a role model, you relieved her of her worries. She needed to know it’s OK to bond with the person she already was viewing as a mother figure. It’s sad to see for her mother, but it would have happened anyway. However, it may have meant your daughter would have been more emotionally reactive and may have started acting out against you or her mother. By giving her permission, you made it so much easier for her now knowing you support her and her feelings for her aunt.

Let it happen. She may eventually want a relationship with her mother again, but don’t push it. You can encourage it, but don’t force it on her. What happened between you and her mother affects her deeply and she needs to figure it out for herself. Therapy can help, but this is on her.

Unless you told your daughter to consider your sister as her mother instead of a role model I think you're good. I think she was probably conflicted because she's trying to reconcile how much she looked up to her mom with how betrayed she felt by her.

Now that she has someone else to look up to she's able to see her in a different light. That's not on you.

The only thing that is on you is your daughter absolutely and obviously requires therapy to deal with the divorce.

ITT: cheaters blaming husband for daughters feelings bout mom

NTA, though I'm kinda letting you off the hook here.

Because yes, your daughter should have gotten some therapy from the get-go. It's a bad sign when the kid starts running the show with both their parents...pretty good indication the kid sees BOTH of the parents as having abandoned her.

Don't let appearances fool you...when kids start drawing lines in the sand, they are NOT happy. That outward calm is the calm of a kid who's grown comfortable realizing they're on their own (other than your sister) and can make their own rules. It's the kind of thinking that will result in her having nothing but failed relationships in the future.

And it's up to your ex wife to do her part to strengthen her relationship with your daughter, though that may require some professional help as well.

I'd say it's up to your sister, in her new role as "adult who hasn't abandoned me" to be the one to convince your daughter to get on the couch.

Nta but your daughter needs therapy, this doesn’t seem like a normal connection. It’s fine she needed a new role model but that shouldn’t translate to her being her “real” mom.

Her mom did a terrible thing. Its okay that the daughter distances herself from her. I would have done that too if any of my parents cheated. Its on the mother to try to "mend" the relationship however, i think it will never be the same

Why did you even tell your daughter what your now x wife did? She is a kid not an adult

No, but you should explain to her that we all make mistakes. Her mother made a big one and it’s ok to be upset by that. It’s also ok to still look up to what her mother still does right. Enjoy the good but understand the bad and do better. That’s one of the best ways to grow and learn not to make the same mistakes.

I don't think you are the AH. Your daughter was conflicted over something and how her perception of her mother was changing. You gave her sound advice, young girls do need an older, strong, female role model, and her mom did something she is having a hard time reconciling/understanding in her brain. I would suggest getting your daughter in counseling if she's not already and maybe suggest to your ex to look into family therapy for the 2 of them. However, your daughter is entitled to feel how she feels about her mom as long as she remains respectful. It's the consequences to your ex wife's actions. Your ex wife did not consider your daughters feelings when she had an affair. That is devastating for a kid to experience. NTA

NTA Your suggestion of redirecting your daughter's idea of a woman to look up to isn't necessarily stating that her biological mom has no redeeming qualities at all. I think how your daughter is behaving is typical for her age. She's already at the age of trying to figure out her place in the world, her personality, likes and dislikes and having this fall on her at this moment is causing her to handle this like most other teenagers would - a drastic shift from one to another. I'm not saying that you shouldn't remind her that her bio mom is still her bio mom (or real mom/whatever), because despite what your wife did to you, I'm assuming that she loved/loves your daughter very much.

Therapy would also help, but I think mostly it's just a matter of taking the time for her to process the grief and hurt.

I think your daughter is old enough to know what she wants. Obviously she knows what happened to your marriage and since your ex caused the divorce, I can’t blame your daughter for feeling this way. Your ex better get ready for NC when she turns 18. I would have done the same if my mom did this to our family. I am very glad that neither my mom or dad did this.

NTA

YTA and this is what is known as parental alienation. Your relationship with her mom is between y'all two. She might know what's going on, but you causing a divide by using her inability to sort her feelings is disgusting. You should have gotten her therapy and told her that her relationship with her mom should be based on the two of them and not the two of you. I say this as a mom who had the father of my child, and husband cheat on me repeatedly and got another woman pregnant. I ALWAYS told my son that my feelings about his dad were MINE and that he needed to develop his own relationship with him and decide what he wanted in that relationship. What you did was use her child mind's inability to process adult bullshit to break apart her relationship with her mom. SHE IS A CHILD. Ugh. This is just sad.

YTA! and you knew exactly what you were doing…

Yes yes you are.

NTA. There is a difference between you should chose a better role model, and F your mom she's a terrible person. I don't think you influenced your daughter's relationship with her mother. She's 14 and there are a million reasons she may have distanced herself from her mother, her mother being a cheater could be a big one. I think people underestimate kids' grasp on morals and virtues. She was already struggling with using her mother as a role model because she knew her mother had crossed a taboo. That's mom's problem. Keep encouraging your daughter to spend time with her mother and have some relationship, but if it's not the same as it was, that's just sometimes growing up.

This seems like parental alienation, as told by a sympathetic narrator.

I kind of think YTA.

NTA she's 14, she needed a woman in her life to feel safe and now that she has one she is comfortable being distant from her mom in normal 14-year-old ways. She's allowed to be angry at her mom for ending your family. She's allowed to be emo or sassy about her anger. Until she crosses a line and does something really vindictive she should be allowed to keep expressing her feelings. Your ex may hate how this feels, but it's not up to her to decide how her daughter grieves your family.

Unrelated, but you should not be going on that many dates or staying out all night while your daughter is feeling this cut loose. One first date a month is more than enough to soothe your burnt ego. Realistically, you aren't going to be ready for a solid relationship for a while yet, so you are just leaving your daughter to get sex and compliments, and that's a little shitty. How much custody does your ex get? Because if it's 50-50 then you have half the month to go on dates without abandoning your daughter.

And yes, even though your sister is home with her she still FEELS abandoned, because you are choosing these strange women over spending time with her and being there for her. Speaking as a woman whose parents divorced in her childhood and whose dad didn't let me meet his gfs til they were serious but I always knew he was dating.

She's latching on to your sister to give her any sense of stability in this new world where she doesn't feel like she has a family any more. You need to stay home more.

Absolutely your TA- stop bring your daughter into your BS with your ex. She is 14 and if you like your ex or what she did you have no right to push her not to see her as a role model.

Your ex can be a crappy wife but an amazing mother. You are emotionally messing up your daughter by pushing your wants on her and as you can tell she is not mentally mature enough to understand how to handle this.

I guess next you will push your new gf as a mom or mom figure which you need to keep your mouth shut as she is trying to do as you wish and not what she wants or feels natural doing.

Wow just wow what a POS father

I read it as, op giving suggestion to the confused daughter, its her decision what she wants to do. NTA

Yes. I think YTA. Because what you're teaching your daughter is that role models have to be flawless and I don't necessarily think that's a good message. I think we need to learn that someone can be a role model in one area and not another....or that role models are complex and no one is perfect. Whats gonna happen if your sister messes up in another area of her life? She now can't be a role model?

Your daughter is probably better served working through her complicated emotions and learning that maybe her mom is a shit or maybe that good people can fuck up and do bad things or that a role model may not be advisible to follow in all areas.

Wow, what happened to all the people who see gender roles reversed where the guy cheats and everyone says that just because he was a bad partner doesn't mean he is a bad father? And yet everyone is okay with what OP did? Really? Isn't this parental alienation?

YTA. You suggested she use your sister as a role model "rather than her mother."

I agree with others that you really need a neutral, professional third party to help your daughter. I really can't blame you for saying what you said, but that probably wasn't the best thing to say. Kids have a difficult time with abstract thinking, where people can make big mistakes but still be valuable people. They tend to be black-and-white thinkers—all good—all bad.

There is probably a way to say that you hope her mother can be role model for redemption and love toward her daughter even after her betrayal while supporting her relationship with your sister, but that's a hard line to walk.

This just sounds so fake. What kid is walking around saying I need a role model to base my whole life around?

Your daughter is very impressionable. She wants to be liked by you, so she's going to say and do things that you like. She is like playdough. She is absorbing the way you talk about your ex-wife and may project that on herself and onto other women. You hate your ex-wife so she hates them too! Because she wants all of your love at this uncertain time.

I think it's important (though hard) to have a talk with her about this now. That it's okay to love Mommy. Mommy isn't a bad person, Mommy just did a bad thing to you and you are hurt. And you will love your daughter no matter if she spends more time with Mommy than you or shares her love with her Mommy.

It's very important for your daughter to not be in the trenches in the fight between you. Your daughter is not involved in the fight between you and your wife. That is an A - B fight. She is a child. She doesn't get input or an opinion, nor should she be asked for one.

As someone whose parents, still to this day 14 years after their divorce, still are using their children as weapons of warfare against each other - be the bigger person for your daughter.

ESH

cheating isn't okay, at least have the courage and integrity to end one relationship before you start the next (or the different variations like discussion ethical non-monogamy before you have your one-night-stand)

you got your ex pregnant when you were just 2 years older than your daughter is now and you stayed together for well over a decade. why offer such simplistic solutions to your kid instead of talking her through the complexities of a relationship when you were able to work it out at a very similar age?

Yes the AH. Big time.

I sincerely hope this is a troll post.

NTA. Actions have consequences. Your wife blew up your family. Of course your daughter is going to have feelings about that. As long as you aren’t bad mouthing the mom to her then just let her have her process. You can offer therapy but I wouldn’t force her to go.

YTA

A 14 year old conflicted about a divorce and a cheating mother needs a therapist to work through her feelings, not a substitute for her mother. This attachment with her aunt is not helping her mend her relationship with her mom, and that should be the goal. Get the girl professional help.

Yes you are the ah

YTA for how you went about this.

Role models aren’t infallible.

You should have taught your daughter that we can have multiple role models, and also that people make mistakes. And someone can be good at one thing, and that can be role model material for that part of their life, but also can suck at other things, and in that case you just learn from their mistakes in other parts of their life.

Nta. Your daughter was feeling a certain way, and you tried to help navigate that. You did not tell her to replace her mom with your sister.. That being said, your daughter is like this because of what she(ex) did. Her affair broke something inside your daughter, and SHE is going to have to do the work to mend the damage. 12-14 is a really rough time for girls anyway, and her mom threw all her shenanigans into the mix. She is lost. Everything your daughter knew of life is now construed, and she feels she is a mess. Therapy may help her, though. Let your daughter be happy, and just keep doing what you're doing. Sounds like you're doing great. It's her mom who has got to do the work now.

LOL pretty sure this is rage bait, but YTA. You are being passive aggressive as fuck and engaging in parental alienation. Good job on fucking up your daughter's relationship with her mother even further!

You clearly implied her mom was a horrible person, and so she shouldn't view her as a role model. Her mom may be a horrible person, but you should have never said that to your own kid bar physical or sexual abuse or abandoment.

NTA- your daughter is a real one and knows your ex is trash

YTA. You suggested she view your sister as a role model INSTEAD of her mother, not in addition to. So stop with the ‘I never bad mouth my ex’.

You messed up. It's not about being an AH, but she needs to reconcile what her mother did and who she is, and the fact that parents are flawed (sometimes severely), not just pick a new mother figure. Get her someone to talk to help guide her through this.

Your daughter loves her mother, her mother did something hurtful to you and her. She needs to be able to make peace with these two things.

YTA

Suggesting she make your sister her role model instead of her mother was idiotic.

Your wife screwed up, yes. And once that trust is gone, it's gone. But that doesn't mean she is a horrible person. She's just a person who made a horrible decision. And if she learned from it, then there is no reason your daughter can't still look up to her as a mother and a woman.

14 is a tough age for kids and giving your daughter an "easy out" from having to work on some conflict resolution with her mother was not a smart move.

YTA. Prioritize your daughter getting the help she needs.

NTA. Your daughter is 14. it’s totally normal to be more distant from her mom and dislike her, especially after a complicated divorce. It’ll change sgain

Nta, your daughter has been conflicted for a while because the person she looked up to showed you love and affection while actively lying to you and getting a side piece. How do you think your daughter feels about the love and affection she gets from mom? The fear of being replaced by step children if she can't you aside so easily? Your sister stepped up, helped someone she had no ulterior motivation for, or way of benefiting from, and you basically gave her the go ahead to view her ad a person to look up to and she's running with it.

Talk to your daughter about therapy, not so much to heal the relationship with mom, but come from a place of "I know you watched this happen with me, and I want both of us to heal abf be able to recognize and have healthy relationships with others in the future. If it fixes things with mom great, but make sure she knows you are wanting to help her avoid this situation with knowledge and not paranoia so that she'll be open to the therapy and not just going because you made her.