AITAH for no longer being close to my daughter after she ignored her mother/my wife when she was very ill?

I was 14 when my mother had a traumatic brain injury. It was really rough and she had to relearn how to do the same things your wife did, largely. While I didn’t go the route of your daughter, I did feel very odd. As a child you’re used to your mother always being there for you, and seeing your protective and parental figure helpless is traumatic in a way. Therapy seems like a good option individually for her, and then family therapy.

Is family therapy an option? Your daughter was 14 when her mother started acting very weirdly and then had a massive accident. I bet your daughter was TERRIFIED at the time. Give her a chance and try to see her for who she is now.

INFO- how much damage did the six months do? My grandmother told me I should've been an abortion seven years ago, and we've barely spoken since.

I wonder if your wife’s behavior, pre-diagnosis, made your daughter feel so destabilized that she disconnected out of survival. I was close to someone who had a brain tumor. We were teens and, similar story, pre-diagnosis her behavior got really strange. After she got sick, I was able to be there for her, but one of our mutual friends just couldn’t come around because of how the sick person treated us. It was really upsetting at the time. We were all older teens but I can see that dynamic being really hard for a little girl and her mom. Horrible situation all around. I’m so sorry.

Teen girls often have a quite difficult relationship with their mothers. Add in her mom’s extremely odd behavior due to the then unknown brain tumor and those problems multiply. She may also have been upset that in her difficult teen years both parents had limited bandwidth to connect with her. Hopefully in time and with some age, growing maturity, and therapy she and her mom can reconnect.

When I was 13, I was in a crash with my dad, who suffered a massive traumatic brain injury.

I saw my dad's open skull. I saw him wheeled in an x-ray room with covered face and bare feet sticking out from under a sheet. And then, when he was transported to the major hospital two towns over for surgery, I was left alone in our local hospital and had a lot of time to think. When I started getting updates, they were all generalities. He's alive. He's in the hospital. He will pull through. He can't have visitors right now.

I put two and two together and decided there's no way he lived. I became certain that he died and my mom waits for me to be discharged to break the news.

I wasn't much off - I later learned that his neurosurgeon thought that his chances to pull through are slim; that even if he lives, he's likely to be in vegetative state. Against all odds, he lived and even recovered much better than expected. He lost some of his wit and the ability to learn new information - his short term memory was all but lost. But he retained old memories, knowledge, and complete mobility.

But in those two weeks that we spent apart, him fighting for his life and me convinced that he died, the relationship we had took an irreparable hit. I grieved him. I nodded along to my mom's comforting half-truths and weeped for him when she left. When I was discharged two weeks later, I fully accepted that he's dead and I'm never seeing him again.

And then I saw him again. But it wasn't him anymore, not really. He spoke to me like I was half my age and quickly sent me away to "go play". I now understand that he was disoriented, overwhelmed, terrified and ashamed. My superhero, broken. My protector, tangled in tubes and wiped by strangers. But to me, then, he was an impostor, whose first words to me were to reject me. My dad, my real dad - would never. We were thick as thieves.

I did "go play". I rebelled. I was awful to him and everyone around. We didn't do therapy back then, quarter of century ago on the wrong side of the just-lifted Iron Curtain. What we did do was booze, casual sex, occasionally drugs. Looking back, I'm lucky to have made it out alive and physically unharmed. I wanted to run as far away from the pain as I could and never look back. Eventually, I moved away, settled down, got married and had kids in my twenties.

My dad died a couple years ago. The injury caught up with him, he slowly deteriorated until he couldn't walk, or talk, or -eventually- move at all. My mom cared for him until the end, at the cost of any social life she could have had. I supported her through his last days and his passing. We were never very close, even before everything that went down - but now I was there for her when she had no one else.

I don't know if you or your daughter recognize yourselves in parts of this story. Maybe you can see some parallels. Hopefully it will help you better understand why she is the way she is. You all suffered a lot and I offer no judgement, because judgement isn't what you need right now. If I could offer advice, I'd say: firmly defend your wife, but don't reject your daughter. It's natural that you don't feel joy for her visit, when you anticipate that it will bring tension and conflict. You also resent her for previously making a hard situation even harder. But rejecting her is not a solution that would bring you any consolation. It's just another loss, more pain for you and your wife to suffer. I don't think you need any more of that.

NAH : only individuals who had to survive through dramatical events. Your daughter was young. She had the typical teen inappropriate reaction when it comes to dealing with adult life events : she backedo ff to protect herself from the pain.

I did the same... I was raised by my Great-grand-mother before I moved in with my Grand-Mother at age 4. Then my Great-grand-mother moved in with us when I was 7. I loved her dearly even if she was old fashioned (borned in 1904) and had very severe educational principles.

When I was 11, we discovered she had breast cancer. She refused chimio and just had a double mastectomy. I resented the fact that she refused treatments. I didn't realized it at the time. But anger was the only way I had to deal with that blury feeling. Of course, cancer came back pretty quick. I was 12. We were told that she would live a year, maybe a year and a half. The last months were dreadful. I had to help with bandages. I was the one in charge of feeding her. And I hated it. Because this weak old woman unable to get up was not my Great-grand-mother anymore. I was grieving the mother figured I loved while she was still alive.

Inconciously, I prepared myself for the end. I stopped asking for advice. I stopped talking with her or asking for help with my homework, I even cut my very long hair she used to spend hours to brush to her despair. I angerly backed away.

And then she died. And I felt relieved at first. Then remorse and guilt took all the place. Because it was over and I could never mend what I had done and how I had behaved.

Your daughter needs help to reconnect with her feelings and stop living behind the wall she built to avoid sadness. She's not a bad person. She's just trying to cope. And I think her mother knows. She knows and she waits for her to be ready for the next step. And you can help her. Your whole family needs to face what happened and learn to welcome every feeling you experienced, bad or good, together.

NTA, but make it clear to your daughter that she's only welcome there if she treats your wife with respect. she's lucky that her mother is still so excited to see her, after all that cruelty from her.

Your wife doesn’t remember, so are you entirely sure how your wife said weird things, acted impulsively, and acted strange around your daughter while you weren’t there? It is obviously not your wife’s fault for having a brain tumor, but your daughter was in some very formative teenage years when this happened and I’m willing to bet you don’t know everything. Your daughter didn’t change as a person overnight, there is always a reason. I think the comments discounting your daughter as some ableist awful person are a bit quick to assume. It could very well be that the treatment prior to the accident have more to do with her feelings than the accident itself.

NAH, but I think you're being to hard on your daughter. I grew up with a mother that acted erratically and treated me badly, and it was hard enough just having to come to terms with my mother being an asshole. Your daughter's situation would be a lot more confusing.

She was 15 and being treated badly by one of the people she's supposed to be able to trust the most and then suddenly she's put into a position where she's supposed to instantly forgive her and feel bad for her. I suspect that (understandably) almost no attention at all went to what she was put through, and all of the focus was on your wife. I get that, but your wife having an extremely good excuse doesn't instantly undo any damage she did.

It's good that your wife is excited to see your daughter. It's good that your daughter still wants anything to do with you both after how she was treated. Yes, it's going to be difficult. You aren't wrong for experiencing your feelings, but you don't seem to have put much thought into why this rift formed in the first place. You two failed her at a vulnerable time, through no fault of your own, but that's still going to take time to recover.

i would be very, very curious to know what "weird" things your wife said/did to your daughter, and how that affected your daughter. and i suspect you may not even know the half of it.

NAH First off, you are absolutely not an asshole for how you feel or being concerned about her visit. You were in a horrible position and managed the best you could. However, while your daughter was callous and even cruel to her mother, there are two really important things you need to try to understand.

First, she was a child, only fourteen, when her mother became a very different person, one who first alienated her and then couldn’t even speak. It’s not reasonable to expect a kid to be prepared to have a parent they’re close with suddenly become unpredictable and frankly, scary. Then, to almost lose that parent entirely only to come home, once again, completely different is even more devastating. What she did was wrong and cruel, but it was likely coming from a place of fear and loss. She may be old enough now to understand that treating her mother like that is wrong, but she most likely hasn’t fully processed all of this and is unlikely to have reevaluated how she behaved as a child. None of this makes how she treated her mother okay, but understanding why can help some to forgive.

Second, and probably more important, you have to let your daughter and your wife sort out their own relationship, because ultimately, it is their relationship—not yours. It may be that she comes home and hurts your wife, but it’s really up to your daughter to decide to change and your wife to decide if she can move past how your daughter treated her. If your daughter comes home and treats her mother well, if they can be happy with their relationship as it is now, you really need to find a way to move on and let them be happy. You don’t have to be closer to your daughter than you’re willing, but interfering with them will only hurt everyone.

INFO: Your wife started behaving in alarming ways that alienated a fourteen year old and that behavior continued unabated for six months. Then, even more horrible change happened in the form of an accident and a brain tumor. Major stuff in a child's life.

So my question is, what did you do to protect your child and help her through all of this?

NAH. I am not condoning your daughter’s behavior.

BUT she was a CHILD while all of this was going on. Of course she didn’t manage it well. Dealing with that sort of major health trauma is beyond what most of us can handle as adults.

Did she get therapy? She could probably use some extra help on how to manage her feelings and dealing with a mother who is no longer the mother she grew up with.

What you have gone through is horrible. For all of you. But please go forward with you daughter with compassion. She is also grieving and reeling- she’s just also managing it like a teenager- which she is.

I wish you all the best recovery possible.

INFO: In what way did your daughter and wife clash often before your wife was diagnosed, and why was your wife's diagnosis relevant to that? If your wife was verbally abusive or worse, the diagnosis doesn't magically negate her past behavior and make everything okay.

For perspective… it is really hard to see your mom go through stuff like that. From personal experience. There is no book how you should feel or act. Therapy helps. I regret some behaviors when my mom was terminal— I had therapy during and after. NTA. But I wouldn’t say she is too, all the way.

It is TERRIFYING to be a child and suddenly have a parent acting like a child too. It goes against the whole family dynamic that was set up prior, and that’s incredibly scary and difficult for anyone to deal with, especially a child

Developmental psychologist here. In reading all the comments, I see a lot of empathy for this child at the initial behavior changes and accident, and I applaud you for getting your daughter into therapy at the time. I also understand your feelings about your daughter’s cruelty towards her mother. I wonder if you might consider requiring family therapy (with her mother, also individual) as a condition for your daughter to live there all summer. You can frame it as trying to rebuild your family and ask if she wants to be a part of it. If she does, then she can stay home all summer, assuming she participates consistently and treats you and her mother with basic decency and respect. And if she is not willing to work on repairing the family, then she can find somewhere else to live for the summer (and direct her to her school for summer opportunities). Good luck!

Imagine almost not recognizing your mom when you’re a teenager. Yes it’s not ideal. Yes you want your kid to be right there and supporting 100%, but in the time you were losing parts of your wife, she was losing parts of her mother. That’s a lot for a teenager to cope with.

What’s happening? She’s not coping well. Honestly, you all would greatly benefit from therapy to help you all cope with something really big that happened with your family.

I’m not saying the behavior your daughter exhibited was the “right” behavior. I’m saying it was the behavior she was using to cope with what was going on during a massively changing time in her life. Your wife longs to see your daughter and is excited for that — regardless of it being a perfect visit.

Let me tell you what happened with me. My mother unexpectedly died in the home I grew up in. I found myself unable to call the house or visit for 4 months. That left a gap of time I needed to call my dad and check on him. I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to come home. I wanted to make sure he was ok and happy… I could not do it no matter how much I wanted too. I was consumed by my own confusion and grief. I finally pushed myself to go for my birthday. I accidentally had a very traumatic experience upon my arrival to the home I loved and grew up in by arriving 10 minutes before my dad was home. I had every reason to believe my dad was at home and in the house when we arrived. All vehicles were there. He was expecting us… the works. I ended up having to find an unlocked door and making my way into the house to search for my father. Not in all of my life had I ever arrived at my parent’s house and the front door was closed and locked. I searched the house afraid that I would find my father’s body while my kids and husband waited for me outside. After 10 minutes of sheer terror, my dad arrived home. His sister had taken him out.

I’m 40 years old and this was my poor coping. Your daughter may be grieving her mother and the relationship they had. She may be grieving the loss of the sense of home. All of you need a bit of professional help to help you all handle a very big happening in your family. Think about your ideal situation. Win win win with helping rebuild your family and relationships.

So what I’m hearing is she was 14 what this happened and not emotionally equipped when things started to deal with it. Was her mother’s behaviour towards her harsh and unpredictable? Do you think she is still carrying scars from what might have been said to her, or how she might have felt her mum abandoned her (obviously unintentionally)

I understand the tumour was the reason, and you could find it easy to understand and forgive her behaviour, but how did you support your daughter while this was happening, did she get therapy back then, did you step up as a support for her?

She may feel that both her parents abandoned her and left her to deal with some very complex emotions alone. When she was young and lashed out, did she get help, did she get therapy, did you try to understand what she was feeling? I’m sure it was a very complex and scary situation that she wasn’t emotionally equipped for

Edit: YTA, considering cutting your daughter out instead of working on this, she’s been through so much instability at such a young age

She was 14 and had her mother fighting her/arguing, etc.. she was (and in some ways still is) a kid. Adults sometimes forget how we see time differently. 5 years is nothing for us, a lifetime for a 14 year old. It was her high school years and you expect her to react like an adult. Their brain isn’t even wired correctly yet. You both may know the reason why your wife acted the way she did, a 14 year old kid won’t really understand that or easily dismiss and forget her emotions. 19 year old version of her may. You need to talk to her, maybe get her therapy.

Honestly, even if it's not your wife's fault but I'm curious what your daughter had to endure for 6 month. When your wife said hurtful things did you say anything and stop her? Did you protect your daughter? She may be her mother and may not done it on purpose but that doesn't mean she didn't hurt your daughter.

I don't know everything about the situation but I want to give you a potential outside perspective.

My dad has terminal cancer. He was kind of a stout man growing up but the cancer has taken away almost all of his body fat. He weighs something like 100 lb right now. I can barely look at him some days, he looks like a walking skeleton. There are days where I dread going to see him because it's just so painful. I have incredible guilt about this but it's the truth. I can barely admit this to my private therapist because I feel so much shame.

Maybe your daughter had something similar happen when your wife got sick. It just became so traumatic to be around her and see what had become of her mother that she basically ran away from it by emotionally cutting herself off from her. Maybe she didn't want her to go out with you both because she wanted time with you away from her mom. I'm not surprised she didn't open up in family therapy. It's really hard to admit this to anybody let alone you, who she respects and loves. She wouldn't want you to think less of her (which, ironically, is happening anyway because of her behaviour).

Or maybe she's just shallow and selfish.

Either way, her behavior is not right. She needs to work through this, preferably in private therapy. I just wanted to put this out there for another perspective.

This is a hard one. And it’s because at 14 she’s still pretty young. When everything happened. And the thing I’ve noticed and learned about children is that at certain ages, certain experiences that are big to them are really in their brain. Mother’s changing behavior and then the car accident are certainly experiences that should’ve stuck with her in my opinion.

The thing is, is that 14-year-olds experience emotions and see the world as a 14-year-old. And so their perspective is their reality. That’s really everyone’s reality. All we see in experience is realities. But the difference between the skills we should’ve developed, from being young to being adults, is understanding that while your reality is in someways valid, you have to accept the reality of others. In this requires a lot of introspection. This requires you being willing to admit certain places where you’re wrong and where you could say you’re objectively wrong.

And I think we’d like to pretend when a child hits 18 they should suddenly have those skills. in my opinion, people who are between the age of 19 and maybe 23 at the oldest, I don’t see them as full adults. I see them as baby adults. I see them as fresh adults. And at 19, she’s a new adult. She still a teen actually. And to be honest, I don’t expect certain things have drastically changed between the ages of 16 and 19 the same way I would expect things have changed between the ages of 16 and 21 or 19 and 25.

From my observation, it is and and can be really hard to let go of certain things you truly feel within every fiber of our core and being. And whatever she felt as a young child, she’s really latched onto and it’s imprinted on her and at her age I’m not surprised she’s unwilling to do a lot of things and give a lot of leeway in any possible way. That is, in my opinion, the hallmark of being a teenager and a young adult. And in theory you go to college to have your perspectives and views and opinions challenged and through that experience of being forced to see things in multiple lights in an academic setting, we should also be able to translate that skill. And then develop that tolerance level for being challenged into our personal lives into interpersonal conflicts between us and friends or interpersonal conflicts between us and coworkers. The goal here is not to change our opinions all the way. The goals not even to change someone else’s opinion. The goal is to be able to handle opinions or perspectives that are at odds with one another. And find a way to live with each other or compromise or an impasse where everyone can just move on

And I think at 19 she probably still feels misunderstood. I think at 19 she probably thinks you and her mom never get it and will never get it. She probably feels like therapy is useless because you’re making her go to change her opinion so she agrees with you. And I think it’s hard in general for anyone to admit they were wrong. But I think it’s very common people at her age to not even enter any situation that might encourage her to consider that. I remember feeling that way at her age and younger.

A lot of damage was done years ago. But it’s like breaking a mirror. You can put the mirror back together, but the brakes will still be there. And you just have to learn how to work around them and live with them. And it will take time. And I don’t think just because your parents have to tolerate anything. But I think out of the love we should feel for our families if we come from a strong, familiar background full of love and proper support, there will be a willingness to slowly engage and love each other again. Everyone in your family has to have that willingness to engage, and accept the time it will take for things to heal. I think the way those cracks in the mirror disappear, is by changing the mirror. But what that actually means is the dynamic within your family is not going to be how it was before any of this happened. What it does means is that you’re going to have a new family dynamic and things will progress have to look slightly different. But I think we should acknowledge that we’ve changed that before in our lives. Every stage, that mirror is changed. It might be a new frame. It might be a new shape. And this time it is going to be a brand new mirror perhaps in the same frame because even if nothing had happened and everything was normal, and your daughter just went to college, that is a drastic change and a dynamic change within your family.

I don’t think anyone’s asshole. I think how everyone feels right now is that they have a perspective that they feel like the other person wants them to change. But by changing that perspective, they invalidate their own feelings and their experiences which they’re not willing to do because there are very real things we feel inside ourselves.

My dad had dementia—a behavioral kind. He was not always a joy to be around, and he was difficult. He fell apart quickly.

Hard truth: some people are not capable of being in the space of death or an extreme medical crisis. Some people don’t have the character for it. Your wife/her mother has been profoundly altered by this disease and this event, and your kid can’t deal with any of it. And, your daughter was only 14 when this thing was dropped into her life. There were people who did not see my dad sick. They didn’t have the emotional bandwidth. Grown men who loved my dad could not see him broken and wild. Some people can’t be caregivers. Some people lack empathy. Some people can’t tolerate sickness.

I’m not sure what’s happening for your daughter, but there’s a lot to unpack for her and for your family. I think you need to lead with empathy for her experience too. NAH.

You've been through a lot. You're hurt and disappointed by your daughter - not an AH. But let's face it most teenagers are not prepared to deal with an infirmed mother who was once vital. What she was doing sounds like a defense mechanism for fear and emotional pain. I'm sure your therapist tried to help you empathize with her. I know it will be hard, but I encourage you to talk to your daughter and embrace her. Let her know her mother needs her. That you need her.

I wish you and your family peace and love.

You're angry now but you're running the risk of putting a rift between you and your daughter. I have a feeling you've left a lot out on what I feel those six months were really like. I think you got the tumor news and it wiped whatever bad blood was there for you but your daughter isn't finding it that easy. Don't let Reddit ruin your relationship with your kid.

Oof when I was 14 or so my mom did not tell my sister and I she had serious life threatening health problems. While different circumstances she too was behaving oddly, irrationally, was overly angry at me (my sister was at college which didn’t help, I was alone with my parents) and while our relationship is very close after time, it was definitely damaged for a while.

It doesn’t matter how educated, kind etc you are, being a teenager who can’t understand a parents behavior is difficult and doesn’t just repair once you know the cause.

It’s all very unfortunate and you’re going through a lot. You’re not an asshole but I hope you’ll be the dad I had. He was the backbone that helped my mom get better AND looked out for his daughters and understood our distancing from mom. It did help he taught junior high and knew teen behavior well.

I hope you’re doing well and you can look past some of your daughters behavior. It’s likely the older she gets the closer she’ll be if you can be patient a little longer.

YTA. Your daughter was a child dealing with something hugely traumatic and needed someone there for her. It does not sound like anyone was. And now you’re holding it against her that she dealt with it badly?

She was 14 at the time. You're basically saying you don't love your daughter and act coldly towards her.

Hello. Where do you think she learned this from?

Your daughter was 14 and your wife had a personality change for 6 months and then a traumatic accident. A 14 year old is not equipped to deal with that without support. Your daughter went through what was clearly a traumatic experience for her as well.

Get some help.

You are severely downplaying the time your wife had what you thought was a mid life crisis. You say your daughter did not need to be protected from her and she was not a monster, but to your daughter she was. Her mother has been replaced by a crazy dangerous person and noone did anything about it. You have no idea how it felt for your daughter. The mom she knew died and never came back, the person that did was not the woman who raised her. Her feelings are absolutely valid for a teenager/young adult. What she needs is to handle them in a more polite way which will come with age. She is legally not your responsibility and you can alienate her, but will it make you happy?

See how your daughter treats her mother in this upcoming visit. If it's better, then maybe don't reopen old wounds.

Except she's only 19. She handled this poorly but perhaps it was her way of coping, of protecting herself, because deep inside she was scared to death. People handle things in all kinds of crazy ways. Our minds try to protect us from those immense feelings of loss or impending doom. Of course, you also could have just raised a callous and cold hearted daughter but wouldn't you want to give her the benefit of the doubt? I can't imagine feeling this way about my child or allowing any of that behavior in the first place. This should have been handled a long time ago so she could handle her emotions (or her callousness) appropriately. Still NTA because it's a lot on your shoulders.

All the replies I've seen seem to be ignoring the edit and also the way that even in the initial description OP's daughter's behavior didn't sound like a kid angry at her mom or even sad, but embarrassed. This is an ableism problem. Yes it can be upsetting and even traumatic to see a parent in that state, but believe it or not I know multiple people who went through something similar and didn't treat their sick parent like a burden for being sick.

I think his daughter was hanging out with the wrong people in high school, who made her feel that her mother's illness was something to be ashamed of, who convinced her she needed to mock and distance herself from her own mother to keep away the stigma associated with regressive brain damage. It's not entirely her fault, she was a teenager and probably did feel very alone with one parent in recovery and the other a caretaker. Family therapy would be a good idea, as would having a gentle open talk about where the feelings and behaviors back then came from. Explain to her carefully, with as little judgment as you can manage, that you love her and you love her mother also and it hurt to see her treating her mother that way in a time of need. Tell her you just want to understand her feelings and why she may have felt/acted that way, apologize if she didn't feel supported enough by you to support her mother in turn.

You're NTA for how you feel, or for wanting to protect your wife, but don't let it control your choices. It's still possible to heal this rift if you're willing to put in the time and care. It sounds like you've been an excellent husband, giving your wife patience, care, and grace. Try to extend that same thing to your daughter now.

You and your wife broke your daughter, and it isn’t your daughter’s fault your wife became verbally and emotionally abusive of her. You need to realize that is what happened. Out of nowhere your wife became abusive in her relationship with your daughter. And you know this because you, the dad, had to have a come to Jesus talk with her. The bond with the parent, particularly the mother, is THE primary social bond that a child has, and it has been destroyed by your wife’s behavior and your own failure to protect your daughter. There is probably also a lot that transpired that you aren’t even aware of.

You also admit that most of your energy went into you wife after the operation. So your wife compromised the remaining parental bond also, as did you by not being there for her. That she reacted with venom towards your wife is in fact unsurprising.

If someone had abused you would you just automatically forgive them because they were sick? Would you treat them with kindness or would you try and get a few shots in while they were weaker than before?

It seems like you expect your daughter to forgive, forget, and stop being traumatized just because there was a medical reason for what happened. Would you say the same if a mentally ill person abused their kid?

Yer I’m not buying it huge yta from what you said your saying your wife was perfect n your daughters all round evil obvs missing reasons wit the strange behaviour and this I protected her yer no I doubt you did if I was her I’d hate both of you lol

What did your wife do to your daughter? I really feel like you're deflecting the real issue here. If your wife spit out and insulted another woman's food (especially one that we have to hold in high regard), then what was she saying and doing to a young girl that was close family and was always around? You always treat your family worse than a stranger, so please, what did your wife actually do to your daughter?

I cut my mother off after she stole my dog's pain pills and took them while she was to be caring for my kids. She hasn't heard from or seen any of us since. That was my final straw. What was your daughter's final straw?

Tentative YTA.

The kid ignores her mom because she doesn't know how to talk to her. They will work it out. She isn't being hateful.She needed help adjusting when this happend. She talked to people at school who called her father. I'm sure he felt overwhelmed by tanky carafer's wthe.His daughter was only fourteen. She needed help to.

So she was 14? YOU were the adult, YOU had the responsibility of getting your wife help when something was obviously not right in her brain. Was she driving in that state when she got into the accident? What kind of “strange” things did she say to the 14yo daughter for 6 months? Horrible, hurtful things?

A young teen not really knowing what to do with any of that shouldn’t have been a surprise.

You’re putting a lot on your daughter and it sounds like not enough on you.

YTA from your replies to everyone it really seems like you just want support/an excuse to cast your daughter out. You’ve only thought of your wife in this situation. You haven’t even once considered or talked to your daughter about what those six months with her mother did to her. The possible emotional abuse she went through. You’re not as good of a dad as you’re saying you are.

Edit: not to mention you only reply to comments about your daughter being the AH and no replies to the ones calling out how terrible and scared she must’ve felt at 14 when everything happened and your wife was very likely cruel to her for 6 months.

YTA. It would be different if the strange behaviour started when your daughter was 19.

But a 14 year old girl whose mother is cruel to her for no apparent reason would make anyone start to hate her. She was barely even a teenager so I can’t honestly blame her for not having the compassion to look past her illness at such a young age.

Have a stern talk with her, but do not blame her.

I don’t judge you. I can just tell you do not give up on your daughter. She was going through a difficult time as well. My wife had cancer and went through hell. When she needed a ride my daughter literally said to her “I am not your fucking driver” and left. Fast forward 10 years. She finished college and changed her life. She has a great job and we are all very close. And she was diagnosed with BPD and did quite some therapy. Give her time and consider therapy for all of you. Figure out why your daughter acted that way. Could have been an inability to deal with her mother’s condition.

I wonder if there is a glass child story from the daughter's side...

INFO:

What happened in those six months?

What did she say and do? Could she have said something that fundamentally changes how your daughter sees her mother?

I get that she was ill but that doesn't magically repair any damage that she might have done.

NTA. I developed a rare autoimmune disease four years ago. It put me in a wheelchair unable to care for myself for about a year. The way my kids responded still brings tears to my eyes. My 11yo son and 9yo daughter (at the time) became the most loving, protective kids that made big efforts to ensure I was included in everything our family did. They cared for me daily and never made me feel like I was defective or damaged goods. They have since grown into the most empathic, compassionate, and mature young adults you will ever meet. I’m so proud to be their mama.

Your daughter had a choice concerning how she was going to handle your wife’s struggles. Your daughter owns the consequences of her actions.

YTA! You’re being purposefully vague about the 6 months of strange behavior and also ignoring that this 6 months of behavior happened while she was 14!!!! My mother also went through illness when I was around that age and most definitely was unusually cruel and nasty. She most definitely said things that I can still remember today, and I most definitely didn’t have the tools to respond maturely.

It is VERY hard to forget that, especially when everyone around you is making you seem like an asshole for being rightfully hurt and upset at your parent cussing you out for no reason, or just saying something rude or mean every time you’re in the room.

Idk why everyone is expecting the literally teeenager to somehow work through or respond more maturely to their emotions than the adults. Sure you were present and I’ll believe you did the best you could. But did you really sit down and see what it must of have even like for HER to go through that? Or what exactly was said that she’s PUBLICLY complaining about her own mom? You’re more focused on her reaction than the cause of it.

It seems like you’ve only prioritized your wife and yours relationship and expect her to deal with her own stuff alone. And that’s understandable, the poor lady had a BRAIN TUMOR, but you can most definitely suffer from a Brian tumor and still be asshole and still need to apologize or at least acknowledge the stuff you said.

It’s not surprising that she’s resistance to therapy when it doesn’t seem like you’re really listening to her already. You need to have a heart to heart with your DAUGHTER, and be open to listening to how your wife treated her at an also extremely vulnerable time for kids. 14 is rough in the best of circumstances, let alone with a mom who’s suddenly treating you weird to awful, and a dad who’s present and absent at the same time! I’d say give her grace just as you were able to give your wife grace

NTA - Your concerns are 💯 justified.

However, 14/15 is a hard age. The relationship between mother and daughter before the accident seems strained, to say the least.

I understand it was not mom's fault, due to the tumor. But rational thought is really not usually a part of the teenage skill set.

All interactions and words said between mother and daughter were likely still very real for her. Tumor or not resentment was planted.

Then mom came home and needed care resentment grew.

It happens. Additionally, at that age, kids are pretty selfish overall. Not all obviously but definitely some.

Did you get your daughter any therapy? If not she needs it

What I would do is: Talk to her let her know what is acceptable and unacceptable. Respecting her mother and being corrdial at the least is non-negotiable. Also letting her know counseling or therapy is a requirement. Individual or as a family. Due to previous issues is also non-negotiable.

It's your house you make the rules, if she doesn't like it she is an adult and can make other arrangements.