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My mom's idea of a diet when I was a kid was slimfast and a lean cuisine because she hated vegetables and didn't cook. Hopefully they're going about it better
One of their favorite things to make back then was veggie burgers and I hated everything about them. Texture, taste, smell.
I'm vegetarian but I won't eat veggie burgers. Foul. I love vegetables or beans seperately.
Soy beans make me sick to my stomach so they're just a no. I do like other veggies tho lol
Yeah veggie burgers are gross to me too. I know others that like them but not me đ¤˘
Oh, hey, another frozen meal person! I don't miss those whole 3 broccoli florets somehow incorporated into every meal lol. When my parents finally let me go to high school (was homeschooled before) I got fed Healthy Choice or Lean Cuisine meals and a side salad for dinner, with a handful of grapes as dessert (weekends I I got one scoop of ice cream!) as a teen. I ran long distance track, was on the JV dance team, orienteering team, etc, and was constantly active with other extracurricular activities. I'm 64 inches, and I weighed 110 lbs at the time. I dreamed about food and never ending buffets. My mom's reasoning was she didn't want me to be the "fat friend" and that boys would like me more if I just "lost 10 pounds."
Needless to say, I very rarely eat frozen meals (mainly work lunches), and now they consist of the Annie's or other whole food ones đ
We have the same mother!
Did yours have cheat days where she'd get herself fast food and not any for her kids bc she "didn't think you want any"? Id get so many watching her eat mcdonalds while I was eating whatever lean cuisine was on clearance. What fucking 8 year old wouldn't want mcdonalds and she was the one on a diet
Honestly, lean cuisine sounds much better than when I got put through. I got to go to New York City and actually meet Dr. Atkins and I was put through eight hours of blood tests in order to figure out the best way to starve me to lose weight I didnât need to lose because my mother is psychotic. She hated her body, but she lives off the compliments I received when she starved me.
The clearance lean cuisines were what I ate when I was with her, she only wanted me to live with her when I was old enough to take care of my disabled brother so I lived with strangers who volunteered to take me and my brother in for free for 3 years until she allowed us to come back and live with her. So the diet thing didn't fuck me up as much, but the whole complex post traumatic stress and ongoing torture thing did.
That's just cruel to do to a child
I have a friend who hates chicken breasts and sweet potatoes because whenever her mom could âsee her lunchâ thatâs all she got for a month.
As someone who genuinely loves eating chicken and sweet potsto, this makes me so sad. I hope your friend is doing ok.
What does it mean âsee her lunchâ?
It means that they think her tummy is kind of sticking out and that she mustâve just eaten something.
That is strange as hell, man. What an unhealthy metric.
I must be one of the few people on Reddit who had wonderful, funny, supportive parents. These stories arenât exactly about abuse but sure are emotionally screwed up.
They are definitely exactly about abuse. Abuse isn't just physical, it's mental/emotional too.
exactly. plus, if you re once on a diet you will be on a diet for the rest of your life, otherwise you ll have the weight back asap and live the yoyo diet life.8
does she need to lose weight? sure. but she doesnt need to be on a diet, she needs fundamental life style changes that are manageable for her. she ll be an adult soon so she can do whatever she wants.
Yeah, she needs education and encouragement. But that's not something mom and dad can force on her. She has to want it for herself before she'll stick to it for the long-term.
I suspect that if her parents had framed it literally any other way than they were forcing her onto a diet it wouldn't have been such a big deal.
Like instead of "You're overweight and need to lose it immediately!" go for "Hey, your mom and I decided we want to be healthier in the new year, so we've signed up for X healthy meal prep plan for the coming year/family nutrition classes/whatever, and we'll be making other changes around the house as well so we don't backslide."
That would still drag her into it without upsetting her so much. And if it's a plan that allows for a reasonable consumption of sweets like an ice cream bar every evening for dessert after dinner or low calorie suckers or other sweets to fill that craving, then so much the better.
Daughter still gets to satisfy her cravings with approved cheating, parents still get daughter to eat healthier and working on losing the weight, and everyone benefits from a healthier and, hopefully, more active lifestyle.
Parents can quit buying crap and stock the house with real food, ingredients and teach her to cook however. She can buy fast food and sugar with her own money if she likes.
Yeah, that would be one way to do it for sure. Though that likely wouldn't help address the core issue fully. My dad and step-mom kinda did something similar to that, and that did not stop me from buying whole cakes from the grocery store and hiding them in my room so I didn't get flak for eating them.
It honestly wasn't until I began learning more about the diabetic diet when my dad moved in with me that I began to really understand and learn how to manage portions, carbs, and most especially treats. It's still a work in progress, but at least there's progress.
Similarly, I didn't start actively trying to find ways to exercise until I couldn't get life insurance because of my weight and blood pressure. I decided on the spot that if I could do nothing else, I could walk with a goal of reaching 10k daily. And, weather issues aside, I've done it religiously since then.
I've already lost ten pounds since starting my efforts, and I hope to lose much more. But it wouldn't have happened without the push of real world consequences and necessity.
Man, at least this kidâs parents are eating with them on this. I struggled with anorexia from the end of high school into my low and mid 20s (and even now, turning 34 later this month, I still have brief relapses from time to time). My mother would comment on my weight incessantly (when I wasnât even overweight and she was), until I took the only control I could.
If theyâre doing this together as a family, I really think it could be a positive thing for the OPâs little sister. Maybe talking about it from a more emotional standpoint (âI worry about losing youâ) would be more sympathetic and impactful, but I donât think anybodyâs the asshole for wanting a minor to learn more healthy habits before sheâs out on her own. I sure wish that I had.
the only reason I lost weight is because I stopped eating, because the food they made was gross.
I'm so, so sorry for laughing at your teenage struggles, but that made me laugh so hard because that would've been me as a teen if my mom had ever tried that
While height versus weight alone is not the best way to determine health, those numbers are alarming. Her parents are trying to do the right thing, and it sounds like she needed to hear you back them up.
Nta.
I'm guessing she wanted me to say she was fine & then have me tell them that the diet was dumb
Her numbers indicate morbid obesity. Your parents and you arenât wrong. However, donât expect her not to sabotage the diet. You canât force someone to lose weight. NTA
Even by USA standards, she's morbidly obese. Hope she sees the light soon because at some point in the near future, her body is gonna give up; a 5'1 skeletal structure of a female isn't going to be able to bear 235 lbs of weight for as long as she thinks.
You can, if they're a minor child and you only provide healthy choices. You can't force an adult to do anything, but you sure can force a child to eat less sugar and junk food.
At 17yo she may have a job or a car and access to money and going places easily. My brothers were eating way too much junk as soon as they got their driving licenses at 16yo. Went from healthy to obese in a single year. They got jobs but didnt have bills so it all went to junk food.
Kids are dumb. And she needs to learn to be responsible while she is still on her parents health insurance and can turn her health around.
Sheâs 17, not 7.
Eh, she is a teen. If she has a job and a car then she can buy her own food and use her own car to go get it
I'm sure you're right. It's a crummy situation.
Yes. Why is she so scared to diet? Diet doesn't mean all is gone. And as an older woman, you are your genes till 30, the rest of your life it's how you treated those genes, including diet.
my guess is because, up until this, she's gotten to eat whatever/ how ever much, she wanted
She's going to need to be part of the discussion & your parents are going to need to understand that this will be a longer road than they expect. It's sad they didn't intervene when she was younger. I wish you all the best in this adventure.
Insecurity? I was and thin as rail and still am due to getting my dad figure as a girl, but I was bulimic for a while, always scared of judgement. . If you can, and a lot to ask, but see what she's open to and if you can segway for healthy over habit and talk to parents about giving her choices so she doesn't feel like she's being ganged up on (she's not) but so to help. It's a long road and I wish you both luck.
I feel this to a degree. In my teens and earlier 20's I was like 110 lbs but I felt fat and unhealthy. I've always had chubby thighs and ankles and I thought because when I sat down my thighs where a bit thick that I was fat, and I didn't look like what I thought women where supposed to look like. I didn't want to wear tight shirts because I thought my stomach pudge and I didn't think that was normal.
Now I just see those pictures of me being so tiny and I absolutely hate how rail thin I was.
I sometimes think people seem to have this belief that people who are thin don't have those insecurities but they absolutely do.
Instead of asking her to diet why don't you help her into healthy eating? Look at some delicious recipes that are portion controlled & healthy. Go for walks together & tell her you'll do this journey with her. It won't hurt to kick start a new year with new goals for the both of you, you get to spend some time together & you'll find some amazing tasty recipes that you can learn to cook together.
It says more about how she lives her life at that point as opposed to what she eats. Walking for like an hour a day with her parents would alone have a huge benefit and be much easier to maintain than a forced diet.
Idk about this. I was 5â9â and 234 pounds at my heaviest, and I religiously walked 4 miles a day during Covid lockdowns. I did this for about six months and lost a total of five pounds. I wasnât eating outrageously either; no large amounts of McDonaldâs, pizza, or anything. I was eating decent foods, just a little too much. Walking for an hour doesnât burn thaaat many calories, and if you come home after and eat a little too big of a portion of a homemade meal, and then maybe snack on a couple cookies or chips later, youâve totally erased it. Itâs surprising how quickly you can undo an hour of exercise.
It wasnât until I started counting calories that I actually was successful. I was even able to make lots of little changes that werenât too difficult. Two chicken legs is just as satisfying as three, having an apple sauce as a side instead of chips with my sandwich was easy, etc. This was a billion times easier, and actually led to success, compared to exercise only.
I bet walking was way easier for you at the end than it was at the beginning. Sometimes losing weight is t actually on the scale since you have such a low amount of muscle mass you end up building muscle while leaning out. The point is that changing your entire diet unwillingly is unlikely to have a lasting change. Infact it will likely do the opposite. Thats an actual statical fact. Which you pointed out later in your post. Little changes.. but you also wanted those changes. So its still a different scenario entirely.
You were also way more healthy than opâs sister considering your height and weight. At 5â9 you would be around 300lbs to have the same ratios. So you were already starting at a way more advanced level than opâs sister.
Unlikely. Weight gain/loss is directly correlated to calories consumed vs calories burned. Running three miles burns about as many calories as in one Starbucks Caffe Mocha.
We should all get enough exercise because itâs good for our health in many ways. But to bring her weight down, changing her diet is going to be way more impactful than starting an exercise regimen.
The point is that she has to want to do it. Her being forced into it will not result in lasting change, and will very likely will not be followed to the letter.
Source: was put on weight watchers as a child, was miserable, ate whatever I wanted when I was out of parental control and it did not, in fact, result in lasting change.
I only read first 1/2 b4 I upvoted. So true and 2nd part of comment is what makes it more true.
True and she's going to look at it as 'forced family fun'. And no offense to parents but they will to to take an hour out of day after 8 to 5 to do so. You start with a walk around the block or up street if anything.
If you care about your kid, an hour a night just walking and talking should be pretty easy. You could read a book on your phone and walk. Or watch a movie. The fact someone cant spare an hour for their kid.. im sorry, is a cop out. I work until 10-12 hrs every weekday and take about an hr with my dog every night. Only difference is im both sitting on a couch watching a movie or talking to a friend on the phone.
This is obvious. The point is that changing everything and putting someone on a strict diet against their will almost never works. But walking around a neighborhood and talking is much eaiser to manage and maintain. Its also very hard for someone who is used to a sedentary lifestyle to make changes and start exercising. So simply walking is an amazing first step for them. So my point remains.
https://www.eatsmartmovemorenc.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/BMI-chart-768x996.jpgÂ
This isnât about body positivity, or punishing your step sister. As you can see from the chart above, she is in the severely obese category.
This can lead to a lifetime of health problems; diabetes, cancer, heart disease, heart attack, stroke, fatty liver, kidney disease, reproductive problems, the list goes on.
Tell your sister, this has nothing to do with how she looks, and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that her parents do not want to BURY THEIR daughter because she has died in ten years.
Infertility, chronic pain, organ failure, and early death, are a very real possibility for her in her current state. And she needs to understand that, this isnât a joke. Her life hangs in the balance. So, she needs to start taking her weight and health seriously, NOW!
Dieting is dumb. Teaching intentional eating habits is not. I can guarantee her parents have no idea what they are doing when it comes to "dieting". She needs to speak to a nutritionist, therapist and a doctor.
She was looking to stepbrother for support because she was upset (because of the way you typed it, your parents just basically called her FAT and told her in no uncertain terms that was GOING to start a diet in the New Year and then when she got upset they said they'd do it with her she doesn't feel "singled out" as "morbidly obese" person by medical standards FYI I'm 4'2" and weigh 165 I was born with 2 birth defects 1. Spina Bifida and 2. Hydrocephalus, which is excessive cerebral spinal fluid on the brain which the only treatment for that is to insert a tube into one the ventricles of the brain to drain the excess fluid from the brain and redirect it to empty somewhere else like under the skin and muscle of the stomach to reabsorbed into the body. And at then, at the age of 6 years old, I became completely wheelchair dependent, NOT DUE TO OBESITY BUT BECAUSE OF A SURGERY I HAD AT AGE TO REMOVE A BENIGN TUMOR FROM SPINAL CORD, and during the operation somehow my Neurosurgeon at the time got startled or something and that caused the scalpel to slip and it ended up nicking my spinal cord which caused a stroke to my spinal cord, which caused me to wake up from that particular operation a paraplegic which in turn has caused me to be terrified to have ANY SURGERY AND I HAVE PANIC ATTACKS ABOUT THE CONSTANT THOUGHTS THAT I'VE ALREADY HAD ONE OPERATION THAT I WOKE UP FROM NOT BEING ABLE TO FEEL FROM THE WAIST DOWN, AND PANIC ATTACKS ABOUT GOING ANYWHERE BECAUSE I'M 100% INCONTINENT-BOTH BLADDER AND BOWEL- SO NOW IF I GO IN FOR ANY NEUROSURGICAL SURGERY I'M LITERALLY TERRIFIED TO DEATH THAT I'LL EITHER END UP WAKING UP A QUADRAPLEGIC OR I JUST WON'T WAKE UP AT ALL! SIDE NOTE SURGICAL PTSD IS 100% REAL!) I STARTED TO BECOME WHAT PEOPLE CALL OBESE ABOUT 5 OR 6 YEARS AFTER THAT PARTICULAR SURGERY AND MY FAMILY HAS DECIDED ON OCCASION TO JUST SPRING DIETS ON AND IT SUCKS BECAUSE ANYONE I TRY TO TALK TO ABOUT IT AUTOMATICALLY SIDES WITH MY PARENTS BECAUSE THEIR "WORRIED" ABOUT MY HEALTH. I'VE HAD EVERY KIND OF TEST THAT CAN BE DONE TO CHECK FOR HEALTH PROBLEMS DUE TO THE OBESITY AND YOU WHAT THE ONLY THINK WRONG IS THAT I HAVE A SLOW THYROID PROBLEM THAT 100% managed with meds. LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE COMES BACK WITH MY LEVELS IN THE PERFECT RANGE! ALSO, I CAN TELL YOU FROM EXPERIENCE THAT YOUR SISTER WON'T LOSE MAYBE A POUND OR ON THOSE DIETS UNLESS SHE IS DIETING AND EXCERSING FOR HER OWN SAKE NOT YOUR PARENTS OR YOURS! AND I CAN ALSO TELL YOU THAT YOUR SISTER WILL COME TO RESENT ALL OF YOU FOR TELLING HER SHE'S FAT AND DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ANY OF YOU DID IT GENTLY, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU JUST TOLD HER YOU ARE FAT AND YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GO ON A DIET SO THAT YOU DON'T EMBARASS THE FAMILY NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS! AND THAT'S THE WORST THING THAT YOUR SISTER NEEDS TO HEAR RIGHT NOW! YES, SHE KNOWS SHE'S OVERWEIGHT BUT SHE ABSOLUTELY DOESN'T TO FEEL LIKE THE ONLY THAT SHE'S GOING TO GET THE LOVE AND SUPPORT FROM HER IS "IF SHE LOSES THE WEIGHT! LOVE AND SUPPORT HER FOR WHO SHE IS UNTIL SHE'S REALLY READY TO DIET TO LOSE THE WEIGHT AND THEN YOU ALL NEED TO DO THAT DIET WITH HER TO SHOW HER THE LOVE AND SUPPORT SHE'S SEEKING FROM HER FAMILY NOW AND THAT YOU ALL WILL CONTINUE TO SHOW THAT SAME LOVE AND SUPPORT WHEN SHE'S READY TO START HER WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY!
Height To Weight distributions have more weight (pun not intended) than people want to give credit too.
We can safely assume that she lives a non active, sedetary lifestyle. she is not a pwerlifter, nor an athelete (otherwise it would be mentioned in the post)
We can assume she has a very high bodyfat, with not enough muscle mass, at 5â1, 235lbs with a high bodyfat it is not a stretch to say she has high levels of visceral fat, she is easily 90 pounds over weight.
Even the healthiest people with low bodyfat and high muscle content will still run into organ issues because its hard for the heart to pump blood through all that tissue. it wont be as hard as people who are low muscle content with highbodyfat.
if you are not an athlete, if you do not live an extremely active lifestyle that requires muscle use and growth, BMI is a perfectly acceptable metric.
I do take serious issue with the methodology of âdietsâ frankly they dont work unless you actively want to be on them, once you come off a diet you are likely to regain all the weight, a safer route would be the family becoming more active together, eating a balanced diet (as opposed to a fad diet), teaching and incorporating portion control as well as CICO (Calories in, Calories out)
NTA
Yea! Stop buying unhealthy snacks. Family walks with the dog a couple times a day
it doesnt even have to be stopping unhealthy snakcks, just eating smaller portions. you can lose weight while eating pizza and cake alone as long as you accurately track the calories and stay below maintenance consumption (Barring those with PCOS or other conditions that make it hard to lose weight like an under active thyroid)
At 235, 5â1. she is eating in excess of what she needs calorie wise, every day. she can drop to maintenance consumption and lose the weight, her body WANTS to lose the weight. at 235 its not a stretch to say that she is eating herself to death.
If her parnets out her on a fad diet, they are guaranteeing her to get an eating disorder as well as developing dysmorphia
Yup! That is what I did to lose weight. Instead of changing my diet completely I just tracked my calories and made a healthy limit. However, this can be a slippery slope to unhealthy obsession over calories so if this is the choice make sure you donât obsess over it as it is okay to sometimes go over the limit you set. This way I was still able to enjoy my treats and âunhealthyâ foods while losing 20 lbs over time.
so true! i like daily limits and weekly limits, you can eat over or under your daily limits, its easier to stay under the weekly limits. calorie and cabr cycling for the win!
Exactly but Iâm 5â7â and 240 so 5â1â and 235 is definitely a concern especially at 17. I think she will look back and appreciate it as an adult
I'm 5'2 and about 215. Her parents should take her for blood work and do a metabolic panel, and see how close to pre-diabetic she is. That definitely lit a fire under me.
With her being so young, I definitely wouldn't be super strict. Depending on her current mental health food restrictions could lead to binge eating while she's away from home. (Guess how I know.) But putting more focus on exercise and portion control should help. She's still a teen, so pending some health thing like hypothyroidism, theoretically, the weight should melt off. Which is why we get the blood work done.
I'm 5'2", and I weigh less than her by slightly more than 100 pounds. Let that sink in, you could make another tiny person with that weight. I can't imagine carrying around an entire extra 100 pounds every day. Living would be a chore.
YeahâŚIâm 5â8â and 100lbs less than her. I canât imagine the strain on her tiny body. That weight is definitely not healthy for her. Changing eating habits now will serve her well for her whole life. Parents are the heroes here. AND theyâre going to do the diet too to support her. Quality parents!
This is what I thought, too! So many parents unfortunately say, âone member of the family is overweight, so they need to watch what they eat.â Everyone says the parents just need to model a healthier lifestyle, but this is what they are going to be doing, too!
I wasnât overweight as a teen, but I did develop severe migraines. I had to change what I ate, so my mom started cooking healthier meals for the whole family. She constantly reiterated, âwe may not have these migraines, but this healthier food is benefitting all of us!â As long as her parents have this attitude, their actions may save her life.
She's super morbidly obese. No way is she healthy at her BMI.
She's at 44.4. someone who was 6 feet tall and 330 has a BMI of 44.8.
How many 330 pound guys (that aren't muscular) do you think are healthy?
Bottom line is she needs to lose weight otherwise she's going to be on a downward spiral. Tell me how I know that...
Alarming is how clueless people seem to be about this topic. Nobody seems to care about WHY is she overeating, just putting a stop on a likely coping mechanism. Guess what, restricting that coping mechanism without treating the cause will certainly backfire spectacularly. Way to add yet another reason for her to feel bad when it doesnât work. YTA.
I get what youâre saying. But it may not be a coping mechanism. Sheâs young. Maybe sheâs just not the active type and high calorie snacks have just been around. Absolutely it should be looked at holistically but regardless of why having healthier snacks and eating less will be something she needs to learn/do.
Thanks for saying this. Because it wonât work. This will add to the shame mechanism that likely lead to this weight gain in the first place, for reasons that are simply not knowable unless she shares (abuse is a common reason for putting on large amounts of weight, for example, as itâs an unconscious way of âprotectingâ oneself from more abuse). Without therapy in addition to this food restriction overseen by others, this will fail and likely do more psychological harm.
Funny all these people who are so in shape and never had a weight issue never ask fat people how/why they became fat. This teenager is going to gain so much weight, especially the more her family places her value on it.
I love your comment. I hope everyone who went through this as a teenager and knows how deeply unhelpful and damaging it is upvotes your comment.
I love your comment as well. Being a fat child I have spent a lot of time in the diet world and ended up fatter after every diet. It is very psychological and almost everyone with lasting success found joy beyond food and learned to like themself. Many of us also had parents who were weight-obsessed but still made you not waste food. The people in this post are setting a teenager up self-loathing will make her turn to food even more.
Has anyone considered therapy for her? She may need that more, or at least as much. There has to be a reason sheâs not seeing her weight as an issue, and Iâm guessing itâs that she really does and is embarrassed and wanting to hide from facts. This âdiet planâ could really backfire if her mental health isnât also addressed.
Absolutely not. Forced diets always work and sheâll need no other support. /s
Those numbers may not be a case of poor diet gone wild. She needs to talk to a doctor and get a work up done to be sure nothing is wrong. You may want to have her look up the symptoms of PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and see if any of them seem familiar
This! I struggled with my weight for most of my life, it wasn't until my late 30s I found out I had pcos and things made more sense. It still was difficult getting medical professionals to help with it, but am on the right track now
NTA but you and your parents are a bit ignorant on this. Forcing someone into a diet will do the opposite affect. Like 9/10 it does the opposite. My parents tried to bribe me with money to lose weight and also used âguys will ask you out moreâ as tactics and also tried controlling my diet throughout my whole life but all of these things actually made the opposite affect happen. Never once was there actually focus on healthy eating or real exercise that was attainable. Because I knew I wasnât accepted and that people thought differently of me because of my weight it made me feel defeated and worthless and that the only thing that mattered about me was my weight. For women especially thatâs all we hear because the truth is people base your worth off of your size. Because I have disordered eating habits all it did was make me restrict my meals which made me more hungry and then I ended up with a binge eating issue- and more weight. If you guys really care then your parents should be investing in a nutritionist and also helping her find exercise activities she likes and are realistic for her to do on a regular basis. Not everyone is a gym rat so start thinking creatively. Forcing a diet with your parents making all the choices on what she can eat will only lead her to hide food from you guys and develop a worse relationship with food. So invest in a nutritionist and also have more tact when you speak with her on it. Also your sister didnât get like that out of nowhere and your parents need to start accepting responsibility for letting it get this far.
Diets don't work, you have to make sustainable dietary changes. This shouldn't be described as a diet.
Her weight is concerning but you never want to introduce dieting as a solution, especially to a 17 year old girl.
OP would be well served to learn about the harms of diet culture before he contributes to what could be a life long journey of self hatred.
I agree. I hate how they used the word and concept of "diet". They could have said literally anything else like we're cutting down on processed foods. This year we want to all live a healthier and more active lifestyle and develop better habits. This year we are going to try to do daily family walks for our mental and physical well-being and also to spend more time together. Like anything else except "you're fat, I'm putting you on a diet. Don't worry, we will also do it so you're not singled out". Stupid.
yeah, YTA. The issue is that even if she is morbidly obese, weight-shaming isn't a great strategy to actually get a person to lose weight. It's true, for her health she probably should lose weight. But forcing her on a diet is probably going to make her gain more weight in the long run. She probably needs to go with her parents to a doctor and get on an actual plan with a nutritionist. Just the family "going healthy" isn't gonna do much.
NTA - people should talk more freely about weight and understand being overweight is a huge issue. People talk about alcoholism, talking about weight should be similar
The problem is they let her get this big. They could have easily started slowly changing, and adding some foods while subtracting others without even telling her. Slowly enough, she likely wouldnât notice it. âWhy donât we have xyz snack anymore?â because itâs getting expensive and weâre trying to save money.
Yep! The best way for parents to impact a child's eating is modling good eating behaviour themselves and having a house with high food access.
Modling crash diets and restricting food access in the house typically leads to eating disorders, a lifelong relationship with yoyo dieting, often resulting in long-term weight gain.
I work with teenage girls and the amount of times I've seen this play out is very sad.
Rip this thread.
Agreed. The parents here couldâve used so much more tact and discretion since they cook for her and are in control of most of her diet. If someone needs to lose weight, that journey should always start with eating healthier foods. Especially if theyâre here in the US. Had the parents just been more subtle about what types of food are eaten then they couldâve saved themselves a ton of drama and hurting their daughterâs feelings
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NTA. Sometimes parents have to do things their kids donât like, for the kidâs own good. If she really wants to stay fat she can move out at 18. Until then itâs not her choice.
that was my case, theyre doing this for her benefit
Perhaps a better response than agreeing with your parents is to ask her what her doctor thinks.
I agree that her parents are trying to do this for her health, and that is appropriate.
But as you can see, everyone has an opinion obout weight-loss. Many of them mean or cruel. And many instructions on how to lose weight. But if it were that simple no one would be overweight. And some diets are dangerous and can lead to eating disorders.
In your case, you've said her parents are pretty reasonable people so hopefully they will have simple health improvements for the whole family. But if you see something you know isn't really healthy that they're doing please speak up for your cousin. As far as talking with your cousin, I think you might be more help by letting her vent. Many of us dislike something our parents do or did even when we know it's good for us. And we just want to vent. You don't want to lie to her about the issue. You can be honest about it being good for her. We all have to do things we don't like, but we can vent about it.
Maybe her parents should have taught her healthier habits while it was most important to her, like as a child, rather than forcing her into something at age 17 âfor her own goodâ.
They should have had a conversation where she was included in the decision, talked to about why, how it was going to be implemented, and how they were going to support her.
Not a âhereâs what youâre doing and we donât care what you thinkâ. Thatâs unhelpful and is only taking away what she needs most- empowerment of her body and autonomy.
No wonder sheâs overweight. She likely feels unsafe, has chronic levels of stress, and she was not taught how to be healthy. Now theyâre not even showing her good habits in a healthy way, theyâre being authoritarian and unrealistic about it.
She may have been taught but might have an undiagnosed metabolic or eating disorder. Doctor's advice could help.
That was my exact thought. If her parents were a larger size than her, they wouldnât be putting her on a diet. So they are most likely already dry having more complete meals. My guess is she has PCOS or lipedema.
NTA. 235 at 5'1" is morbidly obese. If you want to demonstrate how bad it is, hand her a 40lb bag of soil or something similar. Tell her to carry it around. She'll put it down within a minute. Then tell her she is carrying THREE of those around all the time and that's how much extra stress she is putting on her heart.
she argues she feels fine
Yeah because sheâs still young, so her body is still kinda working with it but that will stop soon enough. Plus, she probably has no comparison about how bad it is and feels
It's this, and it's that she genuinely might not know/remember what feeling good in your body feels like. I was an overweight teenager (nowhere near this bad, 5'10 and 180-200ish) and I only realised this when I lost weight
Exactly! I was a healthy weight until I turned 29, when I ballooned up to obese. I was obese for about five years, and got used to it. I really perceived that I felt the exact same as I had when I was thin, but then when I lost the weight, I realized I felt ten times better. Even if you have only been obese a short time, itâs easy to forget what ânormalâ feels like!
She feels fine because sheâs 17. Add a few pounds a year and suddenly sheâs 40 and itâs not good.
I don't think she realizes that
And with year older you get the harder it is to lose weight. Trust me. Iâm 46. I look at bread now and I gain 5 pounds.
Perimenopause is a bitch. Dropping pounds five years ago was a cakewalk. Now I can't even have a drink of water without bloating.
It sure is. I could drop 10 pounds in two weeks easily back in the day.
Having a diet forced on her could cause severe psychological trauma that will keep her from ever having a healthy diet once sheâs an adult on her own. Anything she does to her body needs to be her choice so that she doesnât feel a need to rebound later. Maybe your parents should try having a conversation with her about her health and see if thereâs some things they could agree on (going walking together once a day, signing up for a dance class, trying some healthy vegetarian recipes, etc.) rather than forcing a diet on her. If she feels that itâs her choice, sheâll be much more likely to stick with it long term, instead of just building resentment and sneaking food in private. Since sheâs a teenager, Iâd say instilling good habits and teaching her to value this on her own is more important than managing her weight right now in the moment. Soon she will be on her own making her own choices, so hopefully she will make good ones. Good luck to her!
I was that girl. These actions, however well-intentioned, will not help her at all. It will only break her heart and lead to even more over-eating.
This is a one way ticket to hidden binge sessions.
her dad, while he's a great guy, is not the " tough love" type and would never crack the whip and do the " get off your butt" stuff
I mentioned this in a comment above, but they really gotta try to reframe this if they can or it won't stick at all. She'll resent them for making her do it, and will either find ways to cheat or will drop off it as soon as she's out of the house.
It's probably too late to try and frame it as a New Year's resolution they have centered on them and not on her, but they need to find a way to soften that blow a bit.
And it is a blow. As someone who has struggled with obesity most of their life (thanks to a combination of medicines and bad eating choices), I HATE when people bring up my weight unprovoked. I'm acutely aware of how overweight I am, and I get mad when people talk about it. Even if it's from a place of love and concern.
Because when that happens, I don't hear a single word of their worry for my health. All I can hear is "You're fat and ugly and we want you to lose weight because you're a failure if you're not slim. Because slim equals pretty."
Guaranteed she's got that evil little voice in her head telling her the exact same thing, which was why she called you so upset. She didn't want to hear that her parents are right. She wanted to hear that she wasn't a fat, ugly, slob that no one would ever want.
Telling her to get off her butt will only create further guilt and shame.
100% shaming someone is a good way to achieve the opposite effect
Yes, I have been shamed by others. Bullied and harassed. Fortunately for me I was able to continue with different therapists. At one point I worked in an eating disorder hospital. I believe that there is a definite correlation between sexual abuse and eating disorders. The need for power and control plays out with anorexia nervosa.
Yes. We all understand the kid needs help so she can be healthy. The family is just going about it the wrong way and it will backfire on them. Iâve had all kinds of things said to me. Within the last year and half I have lost 120 pounds through exercise and healthy eating. Itâs been a lifestyle change, not a diet. Iâm still have 60 pounds until my goal weight. I can say for me, people making mean comments did nothing but make me more depressed and go back to eating massive amounts of unhealthy foods.
It is a very complex problem that has been analyzed and studied extensively by researchers, doctors, scientists, nutritionists. Now, there is the massive need for Ozempic and other developing weight loss medications.
You have been dedicated with your recovery. Congratulations on your weight loss journey!
Thanks! Itâs been tough. I hope to be down 30 more by March. Iâm not giving up.
I understand your concern for her health however being forced onto a diet is incredibly truamatic and will not work out long term and worsen her relationship with food long term. I can understand her upset I don't think yours and your parents tack is great.
I occasionally work on a psych unit. Itâs amazing how many patients have eating disorders from a tactless approach to weight. Some of my patients deal with bulimia or anorexia to the point of severe medical complications, but many of my patients actually gained more weight after being forced on a diet or criticized about their weight by family. A poor approach to weight can trigger an even unhealthier relationship to food and can make things so much more difficult to treat from a medical/psychological viewpoint.
I agree, it needs to be discussed. She is at a higher risk of a lot of medical issues.
She should be taught about the risks of certain lifestyle choices, but also benefits of healthy lifestyle choices like healthy eating habits. Not a diet, but healthy eating habits.
Diets, including keto, are not sustainable. Instead, a lifestyle change should be the focus. Find a family activity that gets everyone active like hiking. Start substituting things like pasta with chickpea pasta. Teach her to have healthier habits and the benefits of healthy choices. This will help her feel empowered and in control of her body and health. Forcing anyone a diet takes a way the control, which makes the problem worse.
NTA OP for what you said, but consider having a convo with your parents about how this should be handled.
I honestly recommend therapy because she could be using food to cope. They can help build other coping strategies. Iâd also recommend seeing a nutritionist who can help with education of what a healthy and nutritious diet looks like and the benefits of it.
Being a compulsive overeater all of my life I can remember being on a "diet" at the age of 12. It has been a life long struggle for all of my life. This is a real difficult disease and requires intervention and support.
She probably needs some therapy too.
She is phrasing it as a diet. The parents are doing it with her though. Maybe the family is just focusing on eating healthy? This girl sounds in denial about her weight. 235 is overweight for anyone but for someone 5â1 that is morbidly obese.
What should they do? Watch the kid have many health problems? Or try and educate her, which is their job as parents
They should take her to a Dr. And also a therapist. Professionals are very helpful.
You know what else is traumatic? A heart attack at 20 from being morbidly obese.
There are better ways to help her than forcing her onto a diet
Theyâre changing her diet. At that age and that weight, her eating habits are totally off the rails. She doesnât need a temporary diet. She needs a long term diet change
Something else medically can be wrong. She needs to see a Dr. and a therapist.
Not diet, lifestyle, there is a world of difference in connotation.
âDietâ doesnât only mean âway to lose weightâ. There are diets to gain weight, muscles, avoid allergies, etc. Itâs just an eating plan.
But yeah, she probably also needs sport and activity
Like what?
My Dr told I was MORBIDLY OBESE at 150 at 5'0. This girls parents are trying to save her life.
You weren't morbidly obese, just possibly overweight, but at 235 she is or is close.
YTA.
As someone thatâs been in similar experience to your sister, it isnât helpful suggesting diets as it can be a way that she might become obsessed about her weight and that generally could lead to eating disorders or she develops into binge eating where she might feel she needs to feed till sheâs horribly full because of thinking this might be the only time in a long time again. She probably feels that in some way this has probably triggered a response to say she wonât be ever allowed anything she wants in moderation.
You all could have approached this way differently if you were concerned about her weight. Itâs clear based on her reaction that it wasnât approached in a way sensitive to how she feels.
Iâm glad sheâs comfortable in her weight, and there will be a point sheâs ready to address the âissueâ, but if sheâs feeling happy in her own skin then support her in continuing to love her body without the need to go on a diet, by giving her praise for loving her body, but from a concerned point, youâre worried that she could be doing a lot more internal damage to her body and would like to support her how she wants to be supported to ensure she doesnât become seriously unwell. Obviously youâd word it in a way sensitively to her needs, but from there if she was understanding, that could have been a better approach to saying, letâs try including more veg/fruit into your diet, letâs try and have less sugary snacks, less carbs, etc or even would she like to help us cook some meals that can be much friendlier to her internal health and give her the initiative to find recipes to cook with your parents that helps her and also your parents. Or even rather than approaching it that way, using the opportunity that we are close to the New Year, your parents could have approached it that they would like to start eating healthier in the New Year and want your sister to join them and would love it if she could suggest some meals they could turn into more healthier options and include her by getting her to cook with them. If she said no, you could then approach it that sheâs at the age where she needs to be that bit more independent and focusing on her internal health, but in a way that doesnât make it sound offensive to her.
NAH. You are not an AH for your response, and she is not an AH for her response. Both are understandable!
Ariana is in an incredibly vulnerable place⌠think about it. 17 is a weird and difficult year where your brain is making the connections that will stay for the rest of your life. She has peers who probably judge her appearance, she has an ego that needs to be protected (by avoiding the problem of an unhealthy body), and she came to you looking for somebody to soothe those anxieties.
However, you are absolutely right that 5â1 and 200+lbs is not healthy. Even if she were an Olympic bodybuilder, those numbers donât work well together. And this is coming from a person who hates BMI as a general rule. Itâs disproven and harmful far more than it is helpful, but thatâs not the point here.
My point is that she reacted totally normally (being afraid and defensive) and you reacted with realism and no animosity or condescension.
The biggest issue here is your parents. Dieting doesnât work. It just doesnât. Lifestyle shifts work. Eating healthier and staying active works. But a âdietâ in the traditional sense of âtemporarily cut caloriesâ is a waste of time. Itâs no secret that the overwhelming majority of diets are unsuccessful because they donât focus on maintenance. Itâs way easier to go from 3 sodas a day to 2 sodas and a sparkling water. Big pushes are scary, and our human people brains donât like big change even when itâs voluntary. By forcing Ariana to diet, they risk her pulling away from it even more.
What they really should consider is just quietly making shifts together. Slightly smaller portions or more veggies to keep portion size up without the filler. Parking further from the store entrance so you get more steps in. Taking walks, running errands, doing chores. Just little steps to be more active.
Soft YTA. I understand you are coming from a concerned place for your sister but you went about it wrong.
As someone who has been overweight most of my life, I would have appreciated being put on a diet. Iâm having to learn as an adult how to be healthy. Iâve lost 120 pounds so far and am 60 pounds away from my goal. Itâs a hard thing to do. So teaching her now is a great thing to do. But at her age, weight needs to be dealt with delicately. Self esteem and eating disorders are big issues. Telling her she looks heavy is completely disrespectful and unnecessary. You owe her an apology for that comment. Her parents really need to look at why she was able to get to that weight to begin with. That also falls on them if they are feeding her unhealthy meals and snacks consistently. You donât want her to develop an unhealthy healthy relationship with healthy foods and lifestyles. Telling her she looks heavy will help achieve the opposite effect of what you want. Like I said, Iâve been over most of my life. When someone makes an unkind, humiliating, and demeaning comment to me, it just makes me hurt and sad. Then I turn to unhealthy food as a coping mechanism. Iâve had to learn as an adult why I ate unhealthy and how to properly cope with other peopleâs mean and hateful comments.
Apologize to your sister OP.
When I go to the doctor, they see my weight is roughly the same. While I am a few inches taller, I also get the term "obese" thrown at me. While I do not LOOK obese, I am medically obese and actively working on that. They offer their dietician services and recommend simple workouts for me to do as I also didn't workout either. The approach you and your parents used was terrible. It SUCKED! Shame on you all. Soft YTA. When she's ready, she'll accept it. Suggest walking together. It's simple cardio and doesn't require much. Walking around a mall for 20 minutes is cardio just like walking around a park. Ease her into it when she's ready. Forcing a diet on her will only bring about resentment.
As someone who was CONSTANTLY told that I needed to lose weight, that Iâd be so much prettier if I just lost 20 pounds, that all my health issues were because of my weight (even though Iâve since been diagnosed with multiple non-weight related illnesses but it took FOREVER to get a doctor who would do more than just tell me to lose weight) etc etcâŚ. Iâm gonna go for a gentle NTA. For you.
Your parents on the other hand? TOTALLY, but gentle, TA. Iâm assuming they donât realize how harmful their plan is which is the only reason itâs a âgentleâ ta. All those comments and diets my mom tried to force me on just made things a million times worse for me. And when I got out on my own the first thing I did was all the eating I wasnât allowed to do at home, which is when I REALLY started gaining.
Forcing her on this diet is a REALLY bad idea, especially at her age, and itâll really backfire. If anything just find some physical activity she loves and encourage that. đ¤ˇđťââď¸
I think that because she's 17 YTA. Forcing someone on a diet never ends well and she's old enough to make that decision and the consequences either way.
YTA. You should have stayed neutral until you could talk to her gently and in person about being healthy (not weight).
And your parents are TA because it's about a shirt that doesn't fit rather than her health or at the recommendation of a doctor!
I don't know if she needs to lose weight or not, but even if she does, your parents are doing it for the wrong reasons (a shirt that doesn't fit) and she's feeling hurt. What she needed was some sympathy and then you can talk about being healthy (not weight) later on.
As a registered dietitian, this is how to induce an eating disorder 101.
Technically, NTA, but I don't think you will be close to your sister going into the future and neither will your parents. You can 'put someone on a diet' but you are telling them they take up too much space and you are violating their body autonomy. Your parents are being conditional and she will alter her feelings for her parents to be conditional in response. You can improve her health but be sure you do not damage her mental health with your shame and judgement. If the change of diet was triggered by a health scare, the angle would be more honourable. The fact that it's triggered by a tight blouse is more about aesthetics, especially with your parents concerns about her being left out. Be absolutely sure that she knows your concern is for her health and not her social or sex life or any embarrassment felt at having an overweight sister.
I totally agree with you and want to add that under all of these physical manifestation of increase body fat can be a real hurting child with some very serious and disturbing issues. Please consider the comments here.
This is the best response, thank you
The way your parents are going will not end up helping her because once she moves out she'll eat even worse then how she is now. She needs to actually want to lose weight and not have it be forced on her
Fact, you can't make anyone do anything unless the want it. She's 17 yo and will find a way to eat what she wants.
YTA. Your whole family are a bunch of a holes. What would possess any of you to tell somebody how they should feel about their body? And why is the first thing that you go to automatically diet and exercise, and not mental health, and other testing to determine if thereâs underlying causes?
Genetics huge factor in how much somebody weighs. Thereâs also the fact that there are many underlying conditions that can cause weight gain, and make it very difficult to lose weight - like PCOS. Your stepsister should be doing some mental health work to ensure that sheâs addressing any mental health concerns first and then should be viewing bloodwork and other test testing to ensure thereâs no underlying conditions.
And then working with a doctor, not your parents, to figure out a regimen that works best for her and her body. If she wants to. A healthy diet and moderate movement is good for everybody. But thatâs not always the recipe to weight loss, especially if thereâs underlying conditions.
I was an overweight teen. I can tell you 100% being forced to go on a diet by her parents will not help her lose weight. She needs to want to lose it for herself. Sheâll just end up sneaking food behind her parents back and resenting her parents (my father did the forced diet with me and Iâve always had a difficult relationship with him because I realised his love was conditional on if I weighed an appropriate amount).
I was close to 30 before I lost my excess weight. You are NTA for being concerned but soft YTA for not supporting her journey the way she needs to be supported.
I agree 100% on this. I resorted to binge eating disorder. Itâs haunted me for years now, and itâs only just manageable. Dieting started in my early 20s when I wasnât even bigger than a size 14 and couldnât fit into the bridesmaid dress I ordered for my mums wedding. It ended up spiralling into more weight and loads of yo yo dieting. Constantly being asked should I be eating that if Iâm on a diet, and then going home after having the smallest slice of cake to then binging on everything possible. Iâm now in my early 30s and Iâm losing weight slowly, but without anyone knowing and actually changing my lifestyle. Yes I still have a binge, but in comparison I much more in control over it. It wouldnât have started if it wasnât for the dress or being constantly restricted from food in an unhealthy way growing up.
ESH/YTA this is only going to make things worse and hurt her self esteem, yes her weight isnât healthy, so she should go to a doctor. But you shouldnât force people to diet.
YTA. I donât see a lot of those in the comments, but this is NOT the way to go about it. The numbers may indicate that sheâs obese, but this way of doing it will only make it worse, and dieting is wildly know for hiding the issue for a minute, then throwing it back into your face as hard as possible. Even if she loses ten pounds doing so, sheâll put on double as soon as the resolutions go away. Also, you canât force a change on someone who doesnât want to. Make her feel good about asking for help, donât shame her, and ask her parents to cook healthy meals, as itâs probably the roots of the issue. Donât throw her in a mortifere diet culture, sheâll end up wounded and guess what ? Trauma is the best way to put on weight.
Thereâs also the medical POV. Sheâs only 17, puberty isnât even done with her, and her hormones may be all over the place.
Men really need more empathy and less mansplainingâŚ
Yeah most of these responses are not it. So much fat phobia under the guise of health concerns. We know nothing about this girl or her health or medical history. It does not sound like her family is going about this the right way at all. Seems more like just causing more issues in the future for her.
This is what happens when someone feels ganged up on. She knows that she has too much body fat and just have tried everything to get some control over the weight gain. This could be a thyroid gland issue. Could be diabetes. She needs lots of love and patience.
YTA, you were rude.
Force is not a successful tactic and damages relationships.
YTA a forced diet is a sure fire way to create disordered eating her entire life.
Look Iâm going against the grain but YTA. Look understand you are worried but you should be way more aware when speaking to a teenage person about their weight.
you need to actually figure out what the problem is, is your sister overeating? Is she eating unhealthy because she has few options? Is she having some kind of health issue that no one has figured out? because hormone imbalance, mental illness, or stress can massively effect your body size.
You also need to figure out what your parents mean by âdiet.â Unless itâs more nutritional home cooked foods and more awareness about how much she is eating (if overeating is part of the problem) you should be worried. Look I know people hear âweight problemâ and then they try to fix it with a restrictive diet and that shit does not work. sheâs old enough to get her own food She will rebel if she is forced into this Or sheâs going to develop an insanely unhealthy relationship with food Or or she will enter into a yo-yo lifestyle, where she crash diets and then binges which is terrible for your overall health
Unfortunately by waiting until a certain day to make these changes, to her it feels drastic. You can't really force healthy eating habits on people any more than you can stop an alcoholic from drinking, a smoker to quit etc. The ball is ultimately in their court, but it's clear she doesn't have a healthy relationship with food.
I'd suggest reframing the conversation as an educational opportunity. Start with questions about does she think she's healthy? What does she know about diabetes? Does she know the long-term consequences of morbid obesity? Is there a reason she treats her body like a carnival ride instead of a temple?... Stuff like that. Then figure out the changes she is willing to make in the short-term to make sure she lives longer than her parents. Health is a journey not a destination
YTA. --It's not your business. --She already knows she's overweight --Diets rarely work long term and are mentally damaging. --She needs to discuss her weight with her doctor. Everyone else should butt out.
Yes
Oh my gosh your poor sister!!!!!!!! This is a recipe for an eating disorder.
Great way to get the eating disorder ball rolling. And letâs not talk to a therapist, nutritionists or have a doctor do bloodwork or check her thyroid or anything, yeah? Eff her feeling about the entire situation. Just tell her she is huge and how shocked yâall are at her disgusting body. The body that she has NO problem with! Yes! Perfect! YTA! You and your parents! AHâs!
At 17, parents should not be forcing her on a diet, thatâs ridiculous. They can express concern, ask her how she feels, get medical and therapeutic treatment for her, etc but not force her on a diet. And you should not have sided with them. Just let her know you love her and support her.
Being put on a diet as a child/teen was exactly what gave me binge eating disorder. Sending Ariana all my love, the worst feeling in the world is to have people commenting on your body.
Iâm same heights as her and weight less than her but with my height, even a bit of weight show. Iâm not slim so every pounds it show and sometimes I have hard time breathing and being uncomfortable . I canât imagining being that size and donât see any problem. It suck but she gonna regret not trying now before itâs too late. It wonât harm her to try. Iâm also on health improvement journey NTA
Iâm currently a similar height and weight to her and yes my body feels it. Iâve never been so easily exhausted or out of breath and like you said just uncomfortable. Iâm working to feel healthier and itâs not easy but Iâm doing it for me and I hope she can find a way to do it for herself, not just because someone is calling her fat.
Maybe if they had just framed it as a family health goal and not hey youâre fat but donât worry we will do it too so you donât feel bad.
Oof. YTA, even if youâre right about health and even if itâs coming from a good place.
So much for bodily autonomy in that family. Completely the AH.
Thank you! I thought I was going crazy seeing so many people side with OP. This whole thing seems like a great way to speed run his sister into an eating disorder...
Nobody should be putting her on a diet without input from her doctor and a nutritionist.
Yes, except it should be a dietician.
ESH but the 17yo. Instead of forcing a diet onto her, they should've said that as a family they're going to make better nutritional choices this year, like buying more veggies and fruits, and maybe cooking together. Set up days to go out as a family for physical activities. Why in the actual fk did they think it'd be okay to just straight up tell their daughter she's too overweight for them, so they're putting her on a diet (& I guess they'll do it, too.. but we all know they'll break that the moment she's not around)? Jfc. Way to send your teen straight to therapy. Being worried about a family member's health is acceptable, obv, but you don't say it in such a way that proves to them you're just being judgemental jerks. I feel so bad for her. She's going to have the absolute worst relationship with food because of this. She has to want this for herself or she won't keep the weight off. It's an entire lifestyle change... not as simple as a gd diet.
YTA.
Itâs so disheartening to read all these armchair diagnoses going on upthread. They have no idea about her health other than the weight and height numbers her stepbrother cavalierly shared. Fun fact, body weight and BMI are not actually indicators of overall health. No one knows what comorbidities she has, let alone if she has any. No one knows exactly what she eats or what activity she engages in. For anyone about to reply saying they can tell she isnât eating healthily or exercising because of her weight, let me repeat: you donât know that. You donât.
This stepbrother and their parents should be grateful she feels good about herself at any weight, because that in and of itself is so fucking hard to achieve and will shape how she treats that body for the rest of her life.
Her body weight and how it impacts her health is nobodyâs business but hers and her doctorâs. She is almost an adult and she should be treated as such. Just because she is legally a minor doesnât mean she has no right to medical privacy. Concern trolling can have detrimental effect on a person, lasting the rest of their life, and that is exactly what is happening here.
Took way too long to find this answer! The amount of n t a votes is wild to me when you know that a) diets basically just don't work, but when they do it's because the person on it is wanting to, b) this is a 17 year old, not a 10 year old, so these parents have already failed if they wanted to teach her healthy choices and have her lose weight before she hits adulthood, and c) we don't know enough to say if the weight is related to something else going on in her body, because none of us are her doctor.
INFO because Iâm having a hard time not judging Y-T-A.
Has your sister been to an endocrine specialist?
Has your sister had her labs/blood work done?
Is she active/eating fruits veggies grains/drinking enough water etc?
Has she been on diets or exhibited disordered eating patterns in the past?
And lastly had your family been making comments throughout her life about her âweightâ and being âconcernedâ about her âhealth?â
Because those numbers at her height while âalarmingâ (based on BMI which isnât a good way to determine overall health, itâs simply a data point), suggests to me itâs more than calories in/calories out, but maybe a thyroid or hypothalamic complex. Which regulating her food intake wonât help.
Also she needs a registered dietitian. I doubt any one knows how to truly eat, with all the conflicting information out there.
But Iâm leaning to wards Y-T-A to you and your family, as itâs clearly going against her will and itâs assholish to point out someoneâs weight all the time. Iâm certain this is not the first time sheâs been put on the spot like this
NTA sometimes the truth hurts and this sounds like a snowball issue if that skirt was bought recently. Our health is on the line when we get past chubby to obese and it's good to prevent that. I think your parents should focus more on exercising and eating slowly so you can listen to your stomachs cues to being full. A lot of diets can set people up for failure as they aren't always a lasting way of eating.
Have your parents taken her to see her doctor or asked for a referral to a qualified dietitian regarding her/their food intake etc. A âdietâ per se isnât going to help long term and generally forbidding certain foods just leads to craving them and âcheatingâ on the diet.
I find portion control helpful - I use a side/sandwich plate for main meals rather than a heaped up big plate. I also only have dessert once in a blue moon nowadays.
Has your sister got a full length mirror in her room? Sometimes, seeing yourself in such a mirror when you arenât used to it, and may be imagining yourself as you were 5 years ago, can be a bit of a wake up call. BTDT - though I was remembering the me before having 2 kids and thinking I still had the metabolism of a 20 year old rather than a 30 year oldâs.
Remember, though, food intake alone isnât going to manage it. Regular exercise, whether a gym or just walking for a set amount of time/distance every day, will also help. I used to dance a lot when I was younger and stopping that when I became disabled probably contribute quite a bit to my own weight gain.
Good luck to her.
Sheâs definitely not a healthy weight, but as other posters have said, you canât force someone to lose weight. Losing weight is hard enough for people really trying. What your parents are doing is dangerous for her mental health, and has a high probability of resulting in her developing an eating disorder. Iâm sure to them doing nothing doesnât seem like a great option either, but forcing a diet on her will not work. And it may result in her yo-yo-ing and gaining even more back, which could screw up her metabolism.
If you really care about your stepsister, talk to your parents. Please explain that if theyâre really concerned about your stepsister, they need to sit down with her and have a kind conversation. Try to find out why sheâs gained weight. Is she depressed? Anxious? Is she having some personal issue thatâs making her stressed and sheâs overeating? Is she happy at her size? What is her relationship like with food? And also, is there a medical issue at play, like a thyroid disorder or Hashimotoâs. Getting an angle on why sheâs put on weight and how sheâs feeling is the first step, not putting her on a diet.
I know your parents are trying to help her, but theyâre going about this very badly. They need to tread carefully here or they risk ruining her trust and giving her an eating disorder.
NTA She definitely needs to lose weight.
What's her lifestyle like ?
What are her hobbies ?
her lifestyle is very sedentary
That definitely means she needs to improve.
Maybe she can be encouraged and your parents join as well any physical activity she likes.
she's already told me she doesnt want to do any diet or exercise
what she may or may not see, but from what I've seen is, she's gotten less active as she's gotten heavier. I'm probably pointing out the obvious though
Drinking sodas can add lots of calories each day.
Does your sister have any agency here over her own body? Why does she have to be forced to do something against her will? There is a difference between intrinsic motivation versus external motivation. In fact, if forced far enough she might develop an eating disorder.
She sounds as if she has already developed a disordered eating issue.
I dislike the term âdietâ. And forcing someone onto a particular diet, without their consent, is also problematic. Sheâs 17, not 7. What your parents need to do is sit down and speak to her like the young adult she is becoming. Having conversations about healthier goals, and getting more active, is better than, Surprise! Weâre all going on a diet because we think youâre fat.
YTA- so are your parents. This is going to fail, spectacularly, and youâre all going to be scratching your heads in two years, wondering why this young lady isnât speaking to any of you.
This is tough and being honest almost never works; it feels insulting and hurtful. Parents putting her on a diet is a great UNLESS they donât know HOW to diet properly. It could backfire for all of them. Sheâs young and something as minor as taking walks, and eating less sugar can make changes in her weight.
âWhat?! Thatâs crazy! Nobody can force you into anything you donât want to do. On the other hand, you know they love you right? So they are trying to help you not hurt you. In a year from now, will you look back and be glad, or sorry that you did/didnât take their advice?â
Empathetic response. First acknowledge how sheâs feeling, offer encouragement, then rationalize.
while i get why your parents are doing this, they need to be careful because forcing a teenager to go on a diet when she doesnât explicitly want to can lead to an extremely unhealthy relationship with food and unhealthier behaviors. i donât think youâre the asshole but you and your parents need to find a way to navigate this without harming her in the future.
edit: NTA
I donât think anybody here is an asshole, but I think you and your parents might be approaching this in an unhealthy way.
I will point out, that as a pediatric nurse, I have seen a lot of kids develop deadly disordered eating habits after their parents or family members impose a diet on them or make comments about their body. Weight and height are both numbers that donât, on their own, tell you a lot about a persons health. Thereâs a lot more buried in genetics that we donât know a ton about. I think itâs important that your sister develop healthy habits and get balanced meals. Making comments about numbers on a scale or her appearance wonât achieve that. If you want to be supportive of your sister and help her be active and eat a balanced diet without tipping her into disordered eating habits, I encourage you to look up intuitive eating, health at every size, and help her find physical activities she likes doing. Sheâs never going to take care of her body the way you and your parents want her to. She needs to take care of her body on her own terms or it is just going to be a constant fight her entire life.
Well you definitely came to the right place. Reddit hates fat ppl.
Nta. She asked your opinion and you stated it in the nicest way possible. The reality is that she is obese. I am glad body positivity movement exists in the way that people need to learn to love themselves and be happy, but that is not an excuse to neglect health. People nowadays consider diet the idea of eating healthy. She is closer to 300 pounds than her ideal body weight. The problem Iâm seeing is that she doesnât want to change and you canât help someone who doesnât want to be help.
ESH. You need to learn the fine art of diplomacy. You know sheâs heavy and although she acts like she doesnât, she know sheâs heavy. But while she still feels healthy now, age only goes one way and the older she gets, the less that will likely feel true. The longer she caries a lot of extra weight, the more wear and tear it does on her joints and organs. You want her to keep feeling healthy and in control of her body. That means making it stronger, and giving it quality fuel. I would talk to your parents and make sure this diet they are talking about isnât some fad but something that is actually healthy like the Mediterranean diet and that they are all changing their lifestyle and finding good fun activities that she actually enjoys.
Sheâll be 18 next year and she can eat whatever she wants because sheâll be an adult and can move out. Girl, just sneak snacks in your room in the meantime. You got this.
This whole thing sounds toxic, if your parents want her to eat healthier ask they needed to do was to provide healthy meals, telling her that she was on a diet was a mistake, trying to force her on a diet is also a mistake.
I think her parents should have worded it differently but nobody is wrong here. Your stepsister is morbidly obese. And while certain superstars would have us believe obese is beautiful and should be celebrated, itâs detrimental to oneâs health.
Your stepsisters weight is not a reflection of the type of person she is. Iâm sure sheâs a wonderful caring good person. And thatâs what needs to be assured to her right now.
But the excess weight is not good for her. An obese person may be perfectly healthy for a certain period of time, but eventually the organs in the body tire of having to work so hard. Thatâs when diabetes shows up as does cardiovascular issues.
I deal with diabetes on a daily basis in my job. And itâs sad. Many people wonât control it. They end up with amputated limbs and in dialysis. Itâs a slow, painful death.
Iâm a former morbidly obese woman. Iâm 5â2â and used to weigh 215. Iâm a nurse and saw what Covid did to those with obesity. It wasnât good. I also have insulin resistance. Losing weight was hard. Your sister doesnât want that.
Talk to her in a way that reassures her that her weight is not tied into how she is as a person, but itâs a health issue.
NTA.
The number seems really alarming and life threatening at 5"1 at 235 lbs.
NTA, it is seriously unhealthy to be this overweight especially at such a young age as she's likely to get bigger as she gets older. But an important question here is how did she get this fat by 17? This level of obesity doesn't happen overnight, it takes years for someone who still has a teenage metabolism to get this large. And when she was younger, presumably she was mostly eating what your parents gave her? (unless she has a lot of pocket money
If your house has quite unhealthy eating habits (lots of processed food, sugary snacks, soda, fried stuff) then her going on a "diet" isn't going to fix the issue - the entire family needs a lifestyle change and your parents should frame it as such. It is their responsibility to feed their children a healthy and appropriate diet and if she's gotten this large under their roof then it's their fault.
If the rest of the family is thin, then she needs doctor before the diet....
When I was 17 I was like 240 and 5'11 and people were saying I should lose weight. the same at 5'1 is pretty alarming.
YTA
YTA. She called you for support and you were not supportive. Her weight may be an issue, but you can help someone that doesnât want to help themselves.
And this was not coming from the right place either which Iâm sure prompted her desire for support. Instead of realizing they bought her the wrong size/the shirt was wrong, they decided it was her that was wrong. Which, once again, her weight can be an issue but the shirt being wrong was the issue.
So because they failed to teach her how to eat properly, they're now going to shame her into losing weight?
NTA but it sounds like your parents are. I used to be a big girl. I didn't like being fat, but forced dieting was hurtful and didn't actually help me. I was 175 from ages 12-26. Around 26, I gained 10 lbs out of nowhere that I couldn't get rid of. At 31, it happened again- another 10 lbs gained during a period I was eating well and exercising, which made me realize weight gain doesn't always make sense and isn't always in a persons control. Diets don't work. Weight loss surgery does. And I've notice weird things about weight gain since I had it. If I'm under 140lbs, I can easily loose weight to get to ~125. If I'm 135, I can eat 500-1000 calories for a couple of days and lose 5lbs. If I'm 141 and fast for a day then eat 500-1000 calories the next day, on day three I'll weight between 141-145. It has shown me why it's was so impossible to lose weight through dieting- the more extra weight you have the harder it is to get rid of. there's apparently a threshold that when you're over it you can't lose weight and when you're under it you easily lose.
Weâll time to be a great big bro and start getting your sister involved in some activities. Slow and steady until she gets into better shape.
Dieting never results in a great weight loss. She might lose but will gain it right back. Changing to healthy great tasting food is so much better.
Walking, even just going to the mall is the safest easiest way to start kicking your metabolism into active gear.
There are some healthy herbal supplements such as B6 and B12, vitamin D, ginger and green tea are an excellent added support. Dieting promotes health issues and body image issues. If sheâs a big girl but perfectly healthy thatâs one thing. If sheâs developing health issues or stamina problems then itâs time to get healthy NOT diet.
Soft YTA. Not because you're wrong, but your sister didn't need more criticism. If course she knows she's overweight, but your parents went about this entirely wrong! They could very well set off an eating disorder where she's binging or hiding food.
They should have gotten with her doctor to get in with a dietician for the whole family to learn healthy eating choices and habits. Because bottom line, diets don't FUCKING work unless you are on them your whole life. Most people don't last a month or two and that's how you end up yo-yo dieting your entire life, while you destroy your metabolism. She needs sustainable lifestyle changes.
Really hope your parents mean they're just gonna be cooking tasty nutritious meals vs an actual diet. My parents decided to do this when I was a teenager and the only reason I lost weight is because I stopped eating, because the food they made was gross.