1/5
Context: Dad lives one state over. My son is 2. He has visited x1 time when he was born. I went to visit him x1 time that first Xmas
When I was younger I never knew what to say to my dad. Now that he's gone and I'm older I wish I had those times back, which is easy to say, but I simply wasn't the same person back then. Not everyone is a good conversationalist but, as you say, making the effort is what counts.
Quite a few years ago, I wanted a better relationship with my mom. So I started calling her on my drives home,e from work. I was busy, but had that free time while driving. At first, we didn’t have much to talk about. But it got better. It got easier. And now we talk several times a week, we both know what’s going on in each others lives, and our relationship couldn’t be better!
Because of that simple, continued act, she’s been there for me when I went through some horrible times. I was there for her, every day, when her husband unexpectedly died. She knows so much about her new granddaughter! We’re friends now. We don’t worry if it’s quiet for a minute on the phone.
Most importantly, we both know we’re loved. Love is an action, not a feeling.
It took a willingness on my part to just go for it. It was important to me. It’s been 18 years since I started doing that, and my life is immeasurably better for it. And I’m sure hers is, too.
I’m really happy for you both. Great job, offspring!
So you’re roasting him for putting the same amount of effort as you? Yeah I agree with the other comment. You sound like a dick
Lol what? It is NOT OPs job to make sure their father has a relationship with his grandson when he makes no effort. He also doesn't get a medal for being a busy dad, it was his choice to have kids
This is a stupid and wild take.
With all the context I’ve been givin, seems completely valid
This is a stupid and wild take.
yeah you kind of seem like a dick. Specifically where you mention that you don't call because there's nothing interesting to talk about so it's not worth it. Unless there's additional info to your relationship that I'm not privy to, it's not that difficult to just ask someone how their day is/how their life is going, just to convey that there is some interest or care.
Like the end result of this conversation I imagine is that your Dad just feels like shit lol, is that something you really needed to accomplish? Like was driving whatever point you were trying to make home worth it? Or could you just have tried to placate him? Realistically maybe the answer is yes, but again I feel like there's just not enough context here to even understand what the relationship dynamic is.
You are right, there is a lot more context to our backstory. I’ll provide a brief one though.
In short, we haven’t had a good healthy parent/child relationship for as long as I can remember. He stopped all communications / picking me up when I turned 18 (parents had joint custody).
I reached out to him 2 years ago to let him know he was going to be a grandfather.
I’d add this to your main post, makes it a bit more understandable why you expect him to put in more effort. On the other hand though, it wouldn’t hurt to call him and be more straightforward. It seems like he doesn’t understand your position and that you’d like for him to take the initiative. But the vibe I get as well is that he thinks you’re uncomfortable with him, and maybe calling randomly or planning a visit wouldn’t be something you’re interested in.
Try starting from scratch. If you have some pent up feelings from your past relationship with your dad, open up about it and let him know that you want things to be different with his relationship with your son. If you want them to have one though, it’s going to take effort on your part to let him know that you do. A simple phone call when you get home from work could be all it takes to open that door. “Hey dad, how has your day been? “Grandson and I are going to do so and so, I’m free weekdays after 6 (or whenever you’re free) so just let me know when you’d like to come visit.”
I really think he feels unsure about whether you want him to be a part of your lives. Although he does need to take responsibility in figuring that out, I’m sure it would help if you gave him some reassurance.
Op don’t listen to this guy. Keep going your own way. Relationships are a two way street.
OP, I don’t know your situation (though I can take a quick guess) but I think your messages were fine, though I stopped reading after the first or second screenshot, it gave me anxiety, I had a similar relationship with my bio dad, or I assume it’s similar based on your dads weird “you owe me” kind of responses.
Anyway, I know the top comments are about you being difficult and matching energy and I was fully prepared to be on that side but as someone who’s been in a similar place, I can see this for what it is and wanted to say that you don’t owe him anything, ever (I guess unless you legally owe him something, but you don’t owe this person your time, kindness or messages.)
I hope you find some peace with this and I know we don’t know each other but if you ever need to talk, feel free to reach out. I also have a terrorist toddler (who my bio dad will never meet unless I’m 6 feet under) soooooo.
It's the parent's responsibility to maintain their relationship with their child, not the other way around.
No OP, you didn't go too far. You're right to define boundaries and set what you're comfortable with. That's your call. My bio dad wasn't around and kept trying to get back in my life but would just make me feel like shit. I decided it was time that it stopped. I got to make that decision. Not him. Same for you and your grandson. Whatever you choose is right if it's what feels right for you and your family.
The passive aggressive comment at the end of your first message is what set this off. I don’t know what your relationship was like with your father growing up, but it sounds like you’re the one causing problems now.
As someone who has had different lvls of strained relationships with their parents and inlaws I don't think you went to far. I do think you were wrong for expecting him to give more attention to his grandson then he did to his son (trust me I know how much this hurts).
If you want him to have a relationship with your kid you are going to need to be the one who does the work for it. It's not right and it's not fair but that is the situation you are in. If you are unable or unwilling to carry that load then it's time to just let the relationship fade out.
It is better for your son to grow up with one less grandparent then it is for him to grow up wondering why grandpa does not have any interest in him.
That’s crazy you can’t chop it up with your pops because there isn’t enough substance in his conversation? You gotta let that wound heal my guy, for the sake of the little boy that lives in your heart. (Sounds way cornier than I expected, but it’s the truth.)
I will always die on this hill: children owe their parents nothing.
I don’t know OPs situation but telling someone they need to let anything go wrt parents is a hard no.
And I say this as a parent myself. It doesn’t matter if OP is the biggest asshole in the world.
That’s not at all what I implied, he owes his father nothing. He owes it to himself. If it helps and you get what you need emotionally from being hateful and cold, more power to you. He’s being a hurtful dick, plain and simple, and that comes from shit he hasn’t dealt with, about his father and beyond. I’m just saying to look into healing yourself my guy, cause maybe the way you’re dealing with it isn’t the healthiest. If it was, you wouldn’t be sharing screenshots of your texts with your father seeking validation. Wishing you nothing but peaceful and positive vibes OP.
OP owes himself the peace of mind of not spending the precious time of his child's life chasing after a bare-minimum dad who can't put in the effort to see his grandchild.
If that’s the case, then why respond at all? OP just wants to cause pain, knows he is wrong, and is on here looking for validation.
To let him know not to send packages to his place because they might get stolen. OPs dad made it about his relationship with his grandchild. OP simply told him that if he wants a relationship, he's going to have to put in the work.
If OPs dad is in pain, it's his own damn fault, not OPs.
Let’s be real here, OP could care less if his father’s packages get stolen. He doesn’t want him to send them at all. If he truly didn’t care, he would say nothing and ignore the packages. OP wants his dad to know how he feels about him. OP did nothing but make himself feel worse after this interaction. I understand where you’re coming from there are a lot of things he said that were warranted, I think we can all see where he does a little too far. (Even himself, hence the title.)
Growing up, we are conditioned to love our parents no matter what. We are expected to put ourselves aside for the egos of our parents whether they deserve it or not. "But they're family!" gets tossed around a lot. But the fact of the matter is, shitty, absent parents simply do not deserve to be catered to. If OP "went too far" it's because they were pushed into it.
In your opinion do you think this interaction helped OP emotionally?
Honestly, if OP is feeling bad at all, it's because of internalized guilt from societal expectations to cater to parents. Telling an absentee parent precisely how you feel and enforcing boundaries is healthy communication, and OP will certainly feel so much better once they realize they now get to focus all the energy wasted on their dad on their son.
I'm a parent to adult spawn both bio and step. I have a good relationship with them because I made the effort to understand them and respect their boundaries. They know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will always support them because I didn't abandon them as soon as they turned 18. It's not difficult.
Nope. Parents aren't entitled to grandchildren and that kid deserves better than a grandfather who makes no effort. Did everyone miss where Dad here has made no effort to see or talk to his grandchild, even though OP has left that door open to him?
So did a lot of you miss where grandpa has made no effort to see or even talk to his grandson? OP says he can call on weekends or after work and he doesn't, and then complains that he doesn't see him. It is also NEVER on the child to force a relationship with their parent, it is on the parent to do that. Daddy dearest also pulled the "well it was hard for me being a busy dad" well boo hoo, that's what you signed up for when you had kids. You don't get to hold that over your grown children as some sort of guilt trip, that's so manipulative
You didn't go too far. It was weird for him to be upset about the address and it seems like he was just looking for other reasons to be upset.
You said it correctly. If he wants a relationship with his grandson he has to put in some effort. Calling on the weekends shouldn't be a problem for a grandparent.
Seems to be OP knows his parents address probably, why not bring the kid around? OP was actively trying to keep their address hidden from their dad lmao
No one knows my address either because I very rarely get any packages that are sent to me.
And all roads go both ways. OP has a young son. Traveling out of state isn't exactly fun with a toddler.
Yeah roads go both ways, making OP also at fault. You can’t just expect things to happen without doing something to make them happen. All I’m seeing is excuses to be upset
But the dad is the one who supposedly wants to be in his grandsons life. Why is it on OP to facilitate all of that for him?
OP doesn't seem upset. Dad clearly is, but can't even be bothered to call on the weekends like OP asked. OP doesn't need to work dad into his own parenting schedule. Dad can, I dunno, maybe call on the weekend?
It’s OP’s child. OP has every bit of control over where the child goes or who they see. And sure dad can call whenever and should, though so can the son, but that’s not what we’re talking about though
OP seems to be upset with lack of contact from Grandpa. If he didn't care, he wouldn't be upset. If he wants his son to have a relationship with his grandpa, that is his responsibility and he can work on that. Travel with a toddler is certainly possible, not that big of a deal.
My father lives out of state, approximately ~250 miles and about 5-6hrs one way if I choose to not make any stops. I can’t just get up and go and see him. Let alone I don’t think my 2 year old would be fond of that drive.
Well you went to him once. He went to you once. Sounds like if you’re so upset you can initiate another meeting
Toddlers can travel just fine. It takes a little prep and creativity to keep them entertained, but of you your child to have a grandpa, make it happen.
This is like the song ‘cats in the cradle’ playing out in real life.
I personally found this to be a delicious read. Fuck the haters.
These messages remind me of the song 'Cat's in Cradle' where the son grows up to be just like dad.
Your poor dad. You don't even send him photos of your son? Jesus.
There is a lot more context to our backstory, but in short I don’t.
We haven’t had a good healthy parent/child relationship for as long as I can remember. He stopped all communications / picking me up when I turned 18 (parents had joint custody).
I reached out to him 2 years ago to let him know he was going to be a grandfather.
The way you act about your dad will eventually be seen by your son. Think about it that way. End the cycle.
It’s disgusting OP is being downvoted for this. His father is solely responsible for the relationship they have now.
No. They both are. Dad was responsible for the relationship he had when OP was at home, and certainly damage has been done, but now they both have responsibility if they want it to be different. OP is a grown up, and dad is older.
So it’s clear you are harboring a bunch of resentment, regardless of it being justified or not. If you have nothing to talk about you will keep having nothing to talk about. It’s also important for a child to have a relationship with their grandparents/extended family. It teaches them that there are other people in their lives that they can depend on and that love them. Maybe try a different strategy. Make a phone call, not a text. Meet somewhere in the middle for a meal. Send him pics of your son. If he doesn’t reciprocate then you know you tried. But if he does, it could be an amazing opportunity to have a relationship with your father for both you and your son. What do you have to lose?
Grow up.
I think your dad dropping out of your life when you come of age gives you some grounds to feel some kind of way. Maybe that’s just me though honestly.
no you
I’ve been right here in your shoes.
I decided that I would be the one to bend. I reached out more, I made the effort. I took his facetious comments in jest. And while I stayed firm I approached situations differently than just pointing the finger back. And you know what? He is not the same man to my children as he was to me. My boys think he is Superman and they are better for it. Sometime when I sit across the way and watch them I find myself wanting to be more like him, when I spent much of my youth and teenage years away from him as much As I could be.
I think him sending packages to your place is his way of trying to keep one thread of contact with you. It seems like there is a lot between the two of you that needs to be unpacked. I highly suggest virtual family therapy if you want the relationship with him. If not, best to cut contact altogether.
It sounds like you don't like him. I feel a bit bad for him because he expressed that he wants to see you and your son more, and you pretty much told him that you don't care enough. You are expecting him to put in all the effort while you do the bare minimum. Maybe your son will treat you the same way when he's older.
I don't like my MIL, but I make an effort for my little one to see her, and she appreciates it so much. She wouldn't dare impose by just dropping by. Maybe your dad feels like he can't just come over without an invite. Sad to hold that against him when he has actually put in the effort to show up when he's been invited. I have a feeling that if your dad made arrangements to see you you would tell him he's being pushy. He's not going to win because you've decided for whatever reason that he's not worth the effort. For his own well being (and yours) either get virtual family counseling for the two of you, start talking to him about what the real issue is, or tell him you don't want him around. It's not fair to keep him half in half out.
It kind of sounds like you both want a stronger relationship but you’re both nervous about that effort not being reciprocated.
If you want to see your dad more, make an effort to go see him. If it doesn’t amount to anything on his part, you can take solace knowing you truly tried, and there won’t be anything hanging in the air.
My biggest regret when my mother passed was that I never really called her much in the end because we would just talk about the same stuff over and over again.
I wish I could turn back time and help make the conversations different e.g. I could have taken her to a movie and then talked about the move, I could have taken her to watch my kids play sport, and talked about the kids etc.
Please don't make my mistake. You'll regret it. Almost 3 years on and it still hurts.
Listen mate you only get one set of parents. You can love them or hate them BUT I believe you should make the effort for your son you don’t want him to resent you for not letting him at least know his grandfather let your son make the call if he doesn’t want to interact with him. My father and grandfather had a falling out but in their case once i was born my dad made the effort to bring me around and then my sister when she was born. I can say with the utmost confidence that they reignited their relationship and were great friends till then end man. Just my two cents hopefully you and your dad can make up and be regulars in each other’s lives. Much love and peace!
I don’t think baggage like this should be aired over text. Pick up the phone and have two eat dialogue. Seems like both sides have some work To do.
You could have said, "hey, our place is ghetto, and I'm concerned about porch pirates. Can you send shit to g-ma instead?" Or better yet, get a PO Box and have shit sent there.
Or dad could just stop prying and take no for an answer 🤷♂️
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