User deleted post
Guy (30M) asked me (28F) how many people I have slept with.
I don’t think he’s joking. I think he takes the way you responded as it’s a number larger than he’d prefer maybe that’s not something he likes. So he decided to end it there.
I’m glad he ended it….better to find out what kind of person you’re dating early on than years down the road. And I am speaking of him…..she gave him the option of talking about it in person and he side stepped anyway. I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who isn’t willing to talk through issues…seriously.
Bro lol he’s clearly not joking, he’s thinking that you not saying means you have a high body count
And imagine if she didn’t want to tell him, bc it’s zero. Either way, she dodged it.
As an older virgin that would make me pretty uncomfortable. I'm 26f and have no experience dating or having sex. I am aware that there is a small subset of men who might be very into this but they sure as shit aren't the sort of men that I want to date. I'm not trying to end up with a tatertot. On the other end of the spectrum, I do feel that being almost 27 years old and never having so much as kissed a guy is kind of embarrassing. A question like this would make me feel very very uncomfortable.
If it makes you feel any better, I lost my virginity at 32. If it's the right guy, he won't care. And I'm not religious in any way, I'm just not super social and in my line of work 95% of the guys I meet are gay.
That is the my exact same situation. I'm not religious at all and i have pretty liberal values. I'm a stem student, not especially social and I work in the beauty industry. All of my male coworkers and friends are gay and the company I work for has a devoted legion of gay customers. I mean I do get straight guys coming in but a lot of the time they are not single. Not that looking for dates amongst your coworkers and customers is a great strategy lol. I also have a second gig pet sitting so between school and work, I don't interact with a lot of straight dudes. Plus I feel awkward about setting up a dating profile. I don't want to have to chose/take profile pictures.
Maybe you’re just on the ace spectrum? Like demisexual?
I am demisexual. The guy I have a sexual relationship with I knew for 8 years before it turned sexual. And I am VERY attracted to him, as much as I'd gather any non demisexual would be towards someone they are physically attracted to. Just adding that to assure Mortyandem that everyone has a different path when it comes to physical relationships. I never hid the fact I was a virgin from anyone, I was annoyed by it, but I wasn't ashamed of it. It's not anything to be ashamed about.
No, I wasn’t implying it was something to be ashamed of, either. There’s just a lot of ppl who don’t realize they may be on the ace spectrum is all. And they may not be, but oftentimes ppl just kinda wonder is all.
Oh no, sorry, I didn't think you meant that. I just meant being an older virgin for whatever reason isn't something to be ashamed of.
I have definitely thought about it but I don't think I am. I have a fairly high sex drive but at this point I just take care of my own needs. I think a part of it is that I have anxiety, depression, body dismorphia and an eating disorder. I wanted to wait until I felt mentally ready to date and was in a goof place mentally. I'm currently seeking treatment for these issues with medication, individual and group therapy. I'm definitely feeling more confident about entering the dating world now but I'm still working up the nerve to actually put myself out there. I want to make a dating profile on bumble or hinge but I also hate taking pictures of myself which I need to get over and have some insecurities about my weight.
Demisuxual doesn’t necessarily mean a low sex drive but just that you need an emotional connection to have sex.
Im sorry you’re going through a hard time. Are you in therapy at the moment?
I definitely need to research being demisexual more. I do feel like I have immediate physical attractions to people but I would never be comfortable having sex with them if I didn't trust and know them well. I'm in therapy, I actually just got out of an individual therapy session. I'm also doing group therapy with two different groups. One focuses on insomnia and the other focuses on anxiety. They have been helpful. Especially the one for insomnia.
I’m glad you are talking to ppl, especially if it helps. Please do look into demieexual more, if only to learn about it. A lot of ppl have misconceptions about the different sexualities and gender identities. It took me a bit to find my own identities lol.
Good luck!
but if its the right guy youre going to want to tell him, dont stress. i dated a 26yo virgin guy for a while, there are people out there who are fine with this kinda stuff
That was always my reason 😂 people fetishize virginity. It’s creepy as HELL. Asking was a major red flag for me
If he asked if mattered to him. You don’t have to answer . He probably interpreted it as a number he wasn’t comfortable with
He was being a child. That question is way too personal for the talking phase and always comes off as insecure, which is why mature people don’t ask it.
Now OP knows why he’s on the market at 30. He’s too insecure to get out of his own way.
Now OP knows why he’s on the market at 30.
Explain why being single at 30 is so terrible please
ETA: hey everyone responding to this- I don't actually need to know that being 30 and single isn't bad. Being single isn't bad, whatever the age.
Because the person you are responding to wanted to insult and belittle op's friend and wasn't smart enough to do so without insulting and belittling a lot of other people.
Because u/Vilnius_Nastavnik lacks life experience. I’m married, with kids, and late 30s. I didn’t even remotely have something to offer in terms of stability, having my shit together, etc until I was 29. That’s when I started seriously dating.
Vast majority of my coworkers and friends are in the same boat. Casual dating in the mid 20s. Thinking about marriage in late 20s- early 30s age group and I work at a company that’s 90% male, 1800 employees in my union, and starting pay is 100k so they definitely have the means to get married.
In your 20s from the average male perspective you are still figuring out what sort of partner you want. And then you actually have to find them and court them (unless you’re in a small town where everyone gets married out of highschool and divorced by 23-25 with a kid)
Small town kid here. So yes it does happen that quite a few that HS romances continue to adulthood, and a lot of them do end in disaster.
Mostly those where the marriage was the result of a pregnancy. Yet…..a surprising number of the have worked out at least among my peers. I’m 48 now and I’d say about 1/2 of the High School romances are still together today.
The key seemed to be education, those that did continue, be it trade school, nursing, or a 4 year degree had a much better chance. Basically medium to long term goals that they could support each other achieve.
Personally I met my spouse in college, we started dating at 20. Still married fairly young (24), but no kids until we were 29 and then 33.
We were able to live in Europe for a couple of years before coming back to the States and get started in careers. Then started having kids.
Financial struggles are the most common conflict in relationships put the added pressure of having a child as a teen and it’s not surprising that many of those relationship implode.
If you take the divorce rate of people who waited till marriage for kids and had some sort of higher education… basically throw out the ones that had kids out of wedlock and aren’t educated and gainfully employed the divorce rate is half the average. (25% vs 50%)
Men make 100k and think “ now i can have a family” women make 100k and think “ now i don’t need a man”
ecause u/Vilnius_Nastavnik lacks life experience
Just like most people on here.
Also true. I think back to my 20s now, and I’m like wow I was a complete idiot. I’m still an idiot, but less of an idiot than back then.
It’s not, I found someone at 29 after getting out of a long term relationship. Unless you’ve never been in a relationship at 30 there’s no issue with it.
Yeah but that’s different. It’s ok to be single up until 29 years 364 days 23 hours 59 minutes and 59 seconds old /s
Well of course
it’s not terrible (i’m 38). But some people are still single because they’re asses. Most of us just happened to have not found the right person yet, thought we found the right person and they turned out to be dishonest assholes who cheat on you constantly (me), or just haven’t really been too worried about it and are happy to wait for just the right fit.
I kinda took the comment as “ahh so this guy falls into the category of being single after 30 because he’s an insecure jerk”. But hard to interpret text.
I just think this kind of comment contributes to ageism, like 30 is the cutoff for decent people finding a partner and if you're still single at that point there must be something wrong with you.
Lots of jerks are in committed relationships so it's not as though that's inherently a barrier anyway. IMO there's just no reason to mention his age because it's not relevant.
Yeah, agreed.
My sister married at 19, so by his logic she and her husband are the perfect couple, they got it going so early. Now divorced with 3 children that barely speak with either of them and a divorce that went on for years and cost both sides thousands of dollars, she wished to never have met the guy.
Age says nothing when there are so many other factors.
Yeah like how else are the oldies in their late 20s gonna meet people 😭 why do we focus so much on finding someone in their early 20s and just assume that’s a good painter 💀
Now OP knows why he’s on the market at 30.
OP's 2 years under that so you're also implying something's wrong with OP to be on the market at her age.
User deleted comment
5mo
Yes they should. If body count really matters to someone, then they should make it clear earlier at least. People will figure out values don’t align earlier and won’t have to waste any more time in the relationship
There is literally nothing wrong with having a preference.
The dude was approaching it in a bed way, but there’s nothing inherently immature or insecure about wanting to know things that are important to you early on in the dating phase.
Dating as an actual adult can be a lot of fun, but if you’re actively looking for a long term partner then asking questions to ascertain if your values and life goals line up is perfectly valid.
Do you think someone who’s very religious and waiting for marriage is immature and insecure? Should they wait weeks/months before bringing up that they’d like the same in a partner? I doubt it
What is the purpose of the talking phase? It is to decide if you like the person enough to continue on, that means getting personal.
It isn't "being a child" to ask the questions that matter to you.
Although I see nothing wrong with the question and I don't see the question as inherently an insecure one, the guys response to OPs answer of simply telling him later in person, does come across as childish/insecure.
No question, 'is way too personal ', when you're trying to find the person to spend the rest of your life with. A woman asked me on third date if I was marriage minded. I asked her if she was, 'lingerie minded'.
He has every right to have questions about this. Different people have different levels of comfort with high sex count, both men and women. Nothing wrong with that. Better to not waste time.
The problem isn't that he asked. It speaks volumes that he immediately shut their communication down when she didn't want to answer (which is totally acceptable, especially considering how little they know each other). Imo, he's not a child for asking, he's a child for the way he reacted. "Have fun with other guys" is passive aggressive and mean-spirited in this context, totally uncalled for.
That’s true. The sentiment in this comment section is that he’s wrong for caring about that. But I agree, the way he handled it is wack.coming from a place of wanting a “feminine” woman how can you expect her not to protect her image from strangers, whether that number be 2 or 12. He should’ve continued with the dates and waited for her to open up or just been clear about the fact that he can’t go on too far without that information so that she can make her decision based off of that
Agreed, he could've just told her how this is important to him and/or have a proper conversation about it later. I also find it a little weird he asked about this during a sexual conversation.
I don't care about people's preferences, I care how they bring them up. The majority of guys who talk about this specific preference aren't exactly respectful or polite about it, which probably further contributes to the fact some people detest this preference.
If we were already exchanging "heavily sexual banter" like she said, and I asked a guy his body count and he started getting cagey about it and evading the question, I would take that as a red flag and probably move on.
That's fair.
Yes I agree. A mature man would take the time to discuss an important topic like values face to face. Men are still allowed to have their standards, but if hers was rather high I would want to hear what she has to say. Though it doesn’t matter to most women, as a man I wish I’d made better decisions in my youth and it was a lot lower than it is. All I can say is I teach my teenage son sleeping around is not a flex, despite what your friends may tell you.
Personally I would only care about my partner's body count if it was insanely high (on the level of sex addiction) or if they had no experience at all. Even in those cases it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker, it would depend on a lot of other things as well. I usually don't even ask my partners about that, what I really want to know is how many relationships they've had and was any of them serious/long term.
There’s also nothing wrong with asking and it doesn’t make you a child. If your views on sex don’t align those issues will come up later in life, there will be other political sides you may not agree with and that’s ok. His delivery was ass and childish. But it’s not childish too not want to date someone who has different views on sex.
Maybe he is just looking for a woman with low body count? Wtf is so wrong with that and in what way childish? And how was it way too personal if OP stated they already were talking about HEAVY sexual stuff? You're quick to judge negatively considering you have no idea where that dude's coming from lol
The childish part is passive-aggressively saying "good luck with other guys" instead of just explaining why it mattered to him and/or accepting the in-person discussion she mentioned.
Should women have a lower body count than men?
No. They can do whatever they want and sleep with whoever they want. But some men do prefer women with low body count and would never go for someone with a high one. That's just it.
They're in the "talking stage" and he's already getting "heavily sexual" and he also cares about "body count?"
Seems hypocritical and that his would also be extremely high if he were successful in what he is clearly trying to do.
This is Reddit, where there is no difference between a woman who has been with 10,000 guys and a virgin. And if you think there is you must hate all women.
There's nothing wrong with asking it. The fact people get so pissy about this question, even ones who insist body count doesn't matter: it shows that deep down they implicitly look down on someone with a high body count.
Its the lizzo paradox but applied to body count. People can say ah yes lizzo is so beautiful, but tell a girl she looks like lizzo and see what happens.
You could say yes body count doesn't matter, but if someone is like oh you have a high body count? If you feel offended it shows your own self judgement of yourself more than anything else.
I think he misconstrued your wanting to answer in person to mean you'd been with lots of people. I also think you had every right to want to answer in person. It would be helpful to actually see his reaction and could lead to some key conversations about what your expectations are with regards to sex at this point in the relationship. So I totally agree that it's the sort of thing that would be good to discuss in real life. It does sound like he doesn't want to talk to you anymore, which is an unwarranted reaction imo, but I think you just might be better off.
You have successfully dodged a bullet, wishing you better things in the future.
Moderator removed comment
5mo
You’ve literally copied and pasted my comment. Wtf 😂
Yeah they want pretty much a virgin, but that virgin also needs to have amazing sex skills at the same time.
While at the same time the man's sexual history isn't up for discussion.
Yes it is
If you're a virgin girl, or your body count is closer to 0, then why would you settle for some fuckboy that stuck his dick in anything moist in his 20s ? Same goes for men.
If you spent your life chasing other people for pleasure, then your priorities were different to a person that didn't chase other people for pleasure. So why should someone who went around get someone who didn't? It's only fair to get someone who's similar to you, regardless of gender
On an individual basis maybe, but I meant that the men who fixate on a woman's "body count" don't assign the same "wh*re" label to themselves. It's an arbitrary judgement they place solely on women.
I've actually never seen a man receive crap for his body count but if you got a screenshot of it actually happening I believe it.
Being in several relationships that didn't work out is not "chasing people for pleasure". The infantile men that ask this question to someone they barely know are unhappy with any number over 1.
Bingo - and those same men feel that they're entitled to whatever their number is.
Yea this dude is oozing right wing trad wife hunter, consider yourself lucky, you will not join the pro-natalist quiver full movement today
But when women get grossed out by a man's body count or when men refuse to disclose to women how many people they've slept with, it's considered a legitimate preference?
His reaction was way over the top, wanting to talk about it in person is perfectly reasonable.
I do think that it’s good to talk about these things. It’s not just a man thing, as a woman I don’t want a guy who has had a lot of sexual partners because I see that as an incompatibility, that they have a casual approach to sex and mine is less so. It’s not wrong to care about it. I definitely don’t agree with the Reddit take of it not being your business, not everyone takes proper STD tests or is even honest about that, so having an idea of volume of partners makes a difference to your own sexual health decisions.
As you see from the comments though, some people take it to weird levels, talking odd shit about pairing etc and often are hypocritical in that it’s fine for them to sleep about but not you. The challenge is figuring out the weirdos from the ones who are just genuinely interested in establishing whether you are compatible or not.
I agree. Perfectly reasonable, but he went about it wrong.
I can understand why it's something someone may want to know about a prospective partner, but you can never truly trust anyone's answer in either direction. There's absolutely nothing preventing people from giving a number that feels appropriate given the context and expectations of their partner. They certainly might give the accurate number, but this is a loaded question that people look at through a game theory framework before responding. You'll never really know the truth unless you start combing through their past, which is by no means a good start to a trust-based relationship.
Even if this is important to someone, it's more worthwhile not to dwell on the number specifically, try to understand exactly what that number means to you, and look for the actual character traits that you are can discern about THOSE things regarding the person. As you say, number of partners may be a good proxy for a person's views about sex. Well, if that's important, ask them about their views on sex. Communicate about your own values, and ask them to share their own. Listen to how they respond, probe for deeper understanding, and use that to develop your profile of the person. Think about compatibility from those perspectives, not just be tossing away people who may have had more partners in the past.
I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum as you- I’m a woman who’s had a lot of sexual partners and I actually prefer men who have also slept around. When I’ve dated men who have only had a few partners, it’s caused big problems that we viewed sex so differently. To them it was an intimate, loving act full of meaning and connection whereas to me it’s merely scratching an itch.
Yeah and it’s a completely understandable preference from that perspective as well. It’s a good example of why it’s just better to make sure this stuff is talked about and aligned up front, because you don’t want to get really caught up on someone whom you realise has a totally different view, months down the line.
Which is completely reasonable if it's all upfront. I want the loving intimate act, but that's fine too.
You can catch stuff while using protection (Herpes, HPV), so loads of casual sex increases the likelihood of an STD.
Yeah that's my thing as well.
I flert with a lot of people and I would have had sex with many more women than I've had if it wasn't for STDs so it's definitely not a matter of shame.
We are all allowed to have fun and to flirt around when we are in between serious relationships or if we are in uni.
But my experience tells me that people (not just women) that have had over 30 partners usually tend to not be careful.
And no, condoms don't offer 100% safety.
Actually condom use is way down for casual hookups and STIs are way up. Bring married for 18 years and faithful it’s irrelevant to me. But very troubling single people are being a lot more reckless. Gay community is also experiencing that since HIV is now viewed as a chronic manageable condition not the death sentence it was 35 years ago.
trust me, I’ve also had unprotected sex, but that was during my long term relationships.
The problem is that many people are not getting tested , and although I’m glad that we can now treat most of these diseases, it’s worrying that people are using that as a way to excuse not wearing condoms.
And since I live in London , these issues are even worse
Perfectly reasonable expectation! It’s about shared expectations and approach to life.
It matters to a lot of people. Seems it mattered to him too.
Apparently it doesn't apply to him since he's exchanging sexual banter after a couple dates. Sounds like he's probably a hypocrite
Sexual banter is not the same as having or being okay with having lots of previous partners.
Agreed. Everyone agrees with standards until that certain standard shakes a table with them. Whether you agree with the guy or not, he's in his right to have a certain standard. How or when he goes about asking certain questions can be evaluated, but he isn't wrong. Let's be mature here. They didn't work, nobody took a loss, just go your separate ways and keep it pushing lol sheeesh.
Some people have preferences. Respect it and move on
User deleted comment
5mo
"Ick vibes" 🤓🤓
User deleted comment
5mo
Cue the butt hurt straight men coming at you 😂
My (30m) girlfriend (28f) asked me the same question and I told her honestly, but in person during conversation. I didn't ask her back because I didn't care about her number.
Your preference for wanting to talk about such things in person is more than valid and that he wants to stop talking to you is kinda... Like, it seems like he's expecting you to not say it immediately because "it's so high" and if that throws him off, it's honestly good you got rid of him that fast. Because it obviously doesn't matter how high or low your body count is, it doesn't change anything about you as a person but if that's a deal-breaker for him, then be glad he left. Spares you a lot of unnecessary discussions later on.
I agree with you here . He’s entitled to have his preferences but if a woman is willing to have a face to face interaction to discuss values, you should take the time to do so. There is more that should go into that a numerical number. There is context and personal growth as well.
I agree with this. Even when I was a virgin, I used to reject those guys immediately. I just expected them not to see me as a person, but as inferior because I'm a woman.
Yeah he read her desire not to do it over text as meaning triple digits/sex work/whatever his mind classifies as thinking she wants to do 'damage control'. So he bailed from that. OP isn't wrong to want to do it in person just needs to understand that this guy's read on it will likely be the default for anyone who cares/insecure about the potential number.
He sounds crazy tbh, but I would say that not a small amount of guys do care about this, as most of the guys I know wouldn't want to date seriously someone that had slept with too many according to their standards
Edit: since it wasn't clear - I say he is crazy because even if he didn't like what OP answered - going from playful messages to "won't be a next time" screams childish to me. Moreover - "won't be a next time" is a very disrespectful message IMO, there are better ways to communicate it won't work out
Pestering her every day and then breaking it off when she set a reasonable boundary is psycho behavior.
She's definitely dodged a bullet.
I think anyone who decides someone's value as a human based on how many people they've slept with is someone worth avoiding.
Particularly in this case where OP said they were happy to answer but would prefer to do so in person.
Let's be honest, the likelihood this dude has slept with far more people than OP is really high. There's often huge double standards with these types of men.
OP you've dodged a bullet for sure.
Anyone who uses the phrase "body count" is someone I won't date. Just, yuck.
I agree, she dodged a bullet based on his behavior. That being said I think I would feel uncomfortable dating a woman that has slept with a very high number of men, because it would indicate to me that she is generally a lot less careful than me to pick who she is intimate with. If everything else is perfect it doesn't necessarily have to be a dealbreaker, but I'd be lying if I said it wouldn't matter to me.
Very true...I agree with you
You say this is crazy.....but then say most men you know think that way.
He sounds crazy because of the way he handled it with how childish and disrespectful his response is
So most men just can't wait for the next meet up in person and instantly dump women if they don't jump over text?
We seem to know very different men
You don't owe him anything. When you answer a question like that, you just open the door to feeding his insecurities. Who was the biggest, who was the thickest, who are you thinking of when you're having sex with him? All of these questions, and more, are ingredients for his pot of pitty soup. If he can't be with the you, that is in front of him right now, then he doesn't deserve the experience that you do or don't have from your past. Move on. Find somebody that accepts you for being you, not judges you for being you.
Is he joking or did it really matter to him?
Clearly it mattered to him enough that he saw you telling him to wait, as you hinting that you've slept with a lot of people. There is nothing wrong with sleeping around (if that even is the case here) and there is nothing wrong with someone having a condition that their partner hasn't slept around as long as no one is shaming anyone, you both are in the right.
This guy hasn’t been completely open over some questions I have asked before and would like to know. I didn’t pry thinking we haven’t gotten close enough yet. I’m not pointing fingers who is more at fault here for not being open with each other
If those things that you asked about were dealbreakers like this was for him, then you should have ended it early on like he did.
Incels cockblocking themselves is so funny
Incels: Tell me how many people you've slept with so I can calculate your value!!
Women: er, no.
Incels: Good day to you, madam! * flounces off*
I SAID GOOD DAY
Yes yes yes 😂
I‘d answer ALL OF THEM
Sounds like a wierdo. He did you a favour.
Yes, I’ve stopped talking to a girl after she told me how many people she has slept with. Her number was 30+. She was 19 and I just got out of a relationship of 6 years and I was cheated on. Too much risk for me/ I think sex shouldn’t be casual unless you are dating. My opinion, and I’ve had 3 Gfs that I’ve slept with. I’m 26. My new Gf has had 4 partners before me. She’s 25
She also drank a lot and came on to me hard when I was vulnerable. Family lived far away, and she lived across the country, plus the age gap and I have a son. It’s not just the body count but it’s a factor for me.
As a man I only care if its a number higher than mine, and that’s only because I’m super competitive and I need to win at all things
The problem is that he pushed for an answer (manipulation).
I think you dodged a bullet. Demanding this kind of information in a text is indiscreet and in my mind, disrespectful. I agree with you that this is better shared in person. If at all. I have exchanged this information with one partner and it didn't make me feel any better. So why do it?
The way he responded shows not only insecurities, but also that he is assuming a high body count based on incomplete information.
So I count the following red flags:
- indiscreet
- disrespectful
- insecure
- makes assumptions
Why bother ? He’s obviously going to judge you for it
Congratulations, you dodged a bullet.
Sexual history is a highly personal subject, and it's entirely reasonable to want to have that conversation in person.
Is this just an american thing, why is it such a big deal?
Trying to understand why people are so fixated on the question, with howmany people they slept with?
Exactly what I was wondering... it sounds like an American thing. Once you're 30ish it seems really weird to fixate on people's sexual past. I understand asking them if they've got STDs or anything but "how many people have you banged? Because I put an arbitrary cap on a certain number." It sounds really... juvenile.
Especially when the guys fucked around but girl has to be pure.
Yeah, it is fair to make sure your future partner is std free and they should get tested but anything else about their sexual past is none of their business.
It’s a misogyny thing
Redditors will Reddit but most guys do care about this stuff.
If you play coy then the answer is you slept with too many.
Hell a lot of girls care about this stuff too.
I'm a guy nearing the triple digits partners and last time I was dating seriously it ended up being a dealbreaker for more than a few women. Mind you my I have a clean STD sheet and have never cheated in my life.
Some people have an issue with it but I don't blame them, it's their prerogative ...
Can I just ask, why have you slept with so many? Do you consider sex to be akin to going for a bike ride?
I mean let's start with basic stats : I'm in my mid 30's, have been sexually active for a good 20 years. When you remove the times when I was in exclusive relationships, I think I had about 8 new partners a year.
Considering that I live in a big city (Paris) that has a lot of tourists, is pretty sexually liberal and that I traveled a lot in my 20's those are not crazy numbers.
And as to why : sex is fun, it's relaxing. Plus cuddles are the shit. Simple as that. For me it's not a special mystical experience, it's akin to a massage. Is it (sometimes) better when it's someone you have deep romantic feelings ? Sure !
But I don't NEED deep romantic feelings to have sex with someone, I need to be attracted to them physically (duh ...) and like them as persons. So if I meet a cool person and we're both attracted to each other : why not have sex ? Sex isn't inherently linked to long term relationships, especially since contraception is easily available.
Edit : bike rides are cool too, I'm at around 150 km a week !
I’m a woman that’s had sex with triple digit partners and it’s honestly refreshing to hear this perspective from someone else. I largely view sex the same way you do but haven’t really had opportunities to talk to other people in the same boat as me and hear their reasoning for it.
Hilariously, her number is under 5
This idea is gross, how many is “too many” and based on what?
Each person’s comfort level.
When my husband told me his no. , I was shocked.
I literally went: so that’s X women every month for X years.
It depends on how you value sex what ‘too many’ is. For some it’s 2, for some it’s 5, others 10 and so on. It’s all preference/prospective. Is that wrong? Surely not?
Too many is subjective. To me, too many is exactly 1.5 times the amount of my body count. Mine is 20. So 30 is my cutoff point. I'm no hypocrite, I get it, people like sex. I do too. But my number is my choice. And if I don't like the body count you have then I'll walk away. The same way that my current girlfriend almost walked away from me because she heard mine. Do I blame her? No. But she had the right to do that and it was on me to tell her that she would never be in competition with them.
The 1.5 rule stuck around since I was 18. I didn't want to be with someone who had more than 1.5 times my body count. I think it's a fair amount. Some might say that they want an equal amount or maybe someone who only has an extra 2 or 3 more body count. That's fair too.
Sometimes guys will say that they only want a girl who has only ever had 1 body count. And as long as the guy is either a virgin himself or only has 1 body count himself then I think it's fair as well.
Moral of the story is, make sure your number isn't lower than your own body count. Oh and don't be a hypocrite I guess
Edit to adjust my math. My brain somehow calculated 20x1.5=35.
1.5 * 20 = 30...
Damn, my mental math kinda failed me there. Thank you!
Ha no worries! I did a double take like hang on - somethings off! Tbf if you were mentally comfortable at 35 anyway then maybe there's more leeway than you thought on your figure. Fully agree with your point in principle though bud
dude I care about how many people my partner slept with too to some degree but 1.5 is such a weird cutoff value. I mean, you do you, but do you really need such a strict mathematical rule to evaluate if you are compatible with someone? I could not imagine thinking yea you're golden with 30 sex partners but if you slept with 40 then we can't be together
Again man, it's why I said it's subjective. I just found that it was my cutoff point after a buddy of mine brought the topic of body counts on a girl we would consider dating. Granted this was after we drank just enough to make walking just a little difficult. I told myself that I didn't want it to be a hypocritical one and that sometimes people use sex to fill emotional holes the way I did when I was younger.
I didn't want it to be a set number all the time or to have to think about it every time my number went up. 2 times was too much and 1 time was too difficult. Trying to find someone with an equal body count might be tricky cause they may have 1 or 2 more than you and then the rule falls apart. But 1.5 shows that you do give an opportunity for a plus minus situation.
However, this was just my thing. It was the only number I was comfortable with. It was also the highest number I was comfortable with. So I stuck with it. And plus it meant that as my number went up then so did the limit. I think it's a fair way of choosing. But if you have your own way, as long as you are okay with the number you choose and you are happy with the people that fall within that category then good for you. At the end of that day, it's all about what makes you content with the situation at hand.
More than him is too many.
Never understand why people ask this question but get upset when they are told the answer, people need to grow up and realise that people have a past. Don't want the answer, don't ask the question, simple
“Good luck with other guys”. God. I haven’t seen a message like this since I was 18 🤣 don’t bother with this dude. Seriously. All this macho man crap on the internet on about a woman’s body count is daftness. Some men think the can stick their d*** in whoever they like but then want to settle for someone with a body count of 1 or none. They are living in dream land. In respect, people have sexual needs. Tell him to jump in a bin.
Congrats. You've completely made up a scenario and got upset over it. 1991
I would just be looking for someone who has shown a history of monogamous tendencies....
For instance id rather have someone sex history be she had sex 2000 times with 3 men. Each was a ltr that didnt work out for x y or z....but her sexual history shows she is trying to find a life partner and values managomy and also is a very sexual person....good sexual values that match mine.
Or she can say she fucked only 20 times in her life but it was 20 different men and has had no or little to no ltr experience....im not keen on being her sudden life change experiment. If other men want to graph their life to a person who has shown no interest in a ltr with monogamy and has actually shown the opposite then go ahead but dont shame men who are more hesitant.
Neither is ideal but if I really like woman in scenario A i would be open to trying out a relationship and seeing how it went.
Im also willing to be vulnerable and say out loud that (while its not insecurity that drives this thought process but more a desire to create a authentic experience that is ours and not a Frankenstein of her past favorite men) i would not like to be compared to the best parts of all the men she slept with. Im not going to kiss you like john did, im going to kiss you like i do, i dont have pauls body or taylor dick. I might not like to do what sam did to you....
I want to create a sexual experience that is ours and ours alone. I dont want you to suck me like you sucked scott. I think we can experience all those things together for the first time and we can build on the things we like together.
I got married 18 years ago and we were both virgins. We have done everything i can think of that either of us wanted to try and have had sex more times than i will ever be able to count. I dont feel like i missed out, i feel lucky to have such a authentic sexual experience with a partner who its just ours.
So many insecure boys in this subreddit.
..Doyou really want to see this person again anyway?
User deleted comment
5mo
No, it’s BEEN confirmed now. He’a a toxic man-child. He did YOU a favor. Count your blessings.
User deleted comment
5mo
I love you!
This post is filled with blaring red flags, feels pretty obvious this guy isn’t relationship material and also not worth hooking up with
You haven’t met him and texting doesn’t give you a clear picture.
Woman pick men based on their future, men pick women based on their past.
This is the dumbest philosophy ever tbh. Who gives a fuck about what someone could be or was? How is that more important than their current qualities?
Man, what an insight. Funny how those "men" somehow stop caring about the rest of the past once the sex thingy clears out.
Wanna ask about my childhood? Nah.About my fav hometown places? Nah. Nostalgic moments perhaps? Nah.. But that one guy i sucked off in high school?! Yep that's where he figures out my value and ranks me amongst others lmao
Ya'll understand that speaks more about your lack of character?
It would matter to me too if I had to date again. And I would absolutely think the number was too high if you'd just not tell.
I never share this info. When rarely asked I would say ‘I do not share that nor would I really know, as I do not keep a log’, which is true. Never has this caused an issue. On the contrary every guy that did ask said they understood and also couldn’t be certain of theirs as well. All worked out. Literally no ones business but yours
Perfectly legitimate question to ask. Your choice whether to answer. His choice what to do with that answer.
This is exactly the correct answer
Everyone has a history. Overall I would be less concerned with this it more concerned if she railed all of my friends and I'm bringing her to friend gatherings... So you had sexual banter going on but did you actually sleep with him over those few times that you went out with him?
It’s a fair question to ask IMO. But it’s also fair on your part (wanting to talk about this in-person) because this topic might be sensitive enough to discuss in person. If the guy doesn’t even wanna know and the ends the relationship (based on whatever assumptions), congratulations!! You just dodged a bullet.
If this is your ’honeymoon’ phase, yeah…. Run
There’s a lot of people that get hung up on the number, my number is also closer to 0 but my response unless I’ve already gotten close with this person is “I’ve been tested and I’m clean” (I do routine tests during each appointment to keep things current)
It seems the number he assumed did bother him, and if no answer was answer enough for him to not continue the conversation + throwing in typical “good luck with other guys” bit - he’s expecting you to have low self esteem about it one way or another, to shame or inspire a fear of loneliness.
Overall I think you’re fine to disclose or not disclose a number in person or via text, and people will continue to have their opinions about it. As long as you are clean and taking necessary precautions, that should be enough.
I would see this for the sign that it is and let him/it go. If he turned around completely from his interest in you over a conversation he basically had with himself, he presumes too much and makes it your problem.
Sounds like he meant it, but the way he handled it was so bad. Caring in the first place is a red flag, not even waiting for a proper answer is a bigger red flag.
Yes, he was serious. It is important to many people when they are looking for a ltr.
It is often not taken seriously as in people think it will not matter. But it is important for people who are looking for a serious long term relationship.
There is some science research out there where they found that over 5 or 7 previous sexual partners the chance to stay in a ltr drop significantly.
If they don't ask for your # then they either are afraid to ask, stupid, indoctrinated to believe that it does not matter (also stupid) or not seeing you as ltr material.
What an absolute loser. Imagine not wanting to be with a girl because she's had sexual experience. Wife is the only job where they want you to have zero experience. I want someone who knows what they want and likes sex.
I understand why the need for the question and again,
No there isn't. I've been married over 20 years and never asked that question. Neither did my husband. This guy isn't worth your time. Don't bother.
sounds like you dodged a bullet as he sounds pretty insecure so I wouldnt worry about it.
I’ll never understand the need for someone else’s “body count”. I’ve never asked any woman how many people she has slept with because it’s none of my fkng business! Have we discussed how many previous relationships they had? Sure.
If this is his hill to die on then Mr. Insecure did you a favor, bullet dodged.
It's not necessarily insecure. Body count is an indicator of a couple of things, particularly what value you place on intimacy.
I don't know about where you live, but a high body count tends to come with a certain reputation. A lot of people don't want to be with somebody with that sort of reputation.
I don't think it's really insecure to have a preference for somebody who sees sex as something to be reserved for those special to them, rather than having a high number because "sex feels good lol"
I honestly think a better indicator for how they value emotional intimacy is the number of previous relationships and how long they lasted, and how they view things like sex, quality time, etc within that specific relationship context. Better yet is a conversation about those values.
Sex for myself is absolutely more special and intimate with a romantic partner, and it is a way for me to connect with them. The feelings I attach to it are different than times I engaged in casual sex. Casual sex for me is for getting off between serious partnerships when you cannot scratch that itch by yourself and feels way less intimate. Though I will grant a potential strong argument may be made that my opinion on the intimacy of sex is dependent on relationship context and that may conflict with someone that views sex as uniquely intimate no matter the context. However I would still counter that if you value sexual and romantic intimacy, people in my shoes do still share that value within the context of a committed partnership and you may be limiting potential partners if you have an arbitrary number in your mind that people absolutely cannot pass lest they be labeled as incapable of intimacy and an unviable partner in your mind. I’d encourage people to make this a flexible boundary rather than hardline.
Thoughtful and considered response, thank you. I agree in the main, especially in reference to the flexible boundary.
I suppose the number is arbitrary in a way, but is subject to change with the context. e.g. whether the numbers were made up in long term relationships, or solely casual encounters. Or if at 21, you've got a number higher than your age. To me, that would indicate a few things about their personality, and those aren't things that I'd particularly be looking for in a partner. I wouldn't look to judge people on this, beyond selecting them as a potential long term partner.
I do think expecting a number close to zero is unreasonable, as in my own experience, I was able to learn how much I value the specialness and intimacy of sex in a loving relationship, by learning how empty my casual encounters felt to me.
You're not a prude. He's insecure.
Believe me, he's done you a favour.
I don't know why women tolerate this question and just move on.
Corollary statement: men, stop asking stupid questions. It's a garbage question. Of course she has been with other men. Get over yourself. Ask other questions and better questions.
Ask her about her taste in cars. Ask what nail color she is wearing. Ask her about the last movie she saw, or the last book she read. Ask her what the best part of her day was. Ask her if she could change one thing about her, what would she change? Ask her about her pets and if she has pics.
But, stop asking stupid boring questions.
It’s not a stupid garbage question. Sex is a very important thing to some people, and not just a simple act done to feel good. It’s not always about guys whoring around and wanting a virgin for themselves. Many people want to wait for sex after marriage and want to be with like minded individuals. Others might be understanding of sex in long term, meaningful relationships, but aren’t cool with people into ONS and casual hookups. It is a very character, value based question, as important as one’s religious beliefs, stance on abortion, etc. Yes, I agree that if the guy has slept with 100 women, he doesn’t have the right to judge. But if a 30 year old man has been previously married or in LTRs resulting in few partners, because he values sex as an intimate action to be shared between those in love, then he’s not going to want to be with someone who hooks up with a different guy on Tinder every week…and vice versa. Stop putting down others values and beliefs, because they’re no less valid than yours.
Some people don't care, but some people absolutely do care. It's their prerogative. In some cases it does make sense to. With std's there is no cure. They may be more than an inconvenience or life threatening. You're effectively sleeping with everyone you're partner has slept with.
At the end of the day, the reason you're dating is to find someone who accepts you for who you are, and more importantly who loves you for who you are. You're looking for someone who thinks you're already perfect... And the thing about perfection is that, if you add anything to it or you take anything away from it, it's no longer perfect, it's worse than it was. So if he thinks you're perfect, he wouldn't change your number, whatever it is.
This guy you're texting... Well, he definitely doesn't count. He didn't even bother finding out what the number was -- whether he likes it or why he doesn't like it. He just got out all of a sudden. That's nowhere near the kind of supportiveness you're looking for.
When he sent you that text, you probably heard a whooshing noise. That's the sound of the bullet you dodged when he dumped you. ;)
I'd never date a guy who asks this question. I would never ask him that question either. My only concern is whether he practiced safe sex.
Such a question shows how socially inept and insecure he is. That he values a woman's physical body and where its been like an object... His reaction to you not sharing is an indication of misogynist tendencies. Bullet dodged! (My number isn't even that high for my age bracket.)
Yeah, no, eff that. People who demand that kind of information are usually up to no good. It has become common with men apparently to ask that and they don't even get how insane that is.
You can say whatever number you want and they are not gonna know if it's true or not. My advice is to cut contact with people who need that information. They will hold it over your head, no matter the number, or use it to call you "lose" even if you are a virgin and say you are lying (because they have no knowledge of female anatomy, no logical thinking, and too high of an opinion of their dick).
So basically, you don't owe anyone information about your sexual history, in person or not
This mindset is the flip side of the coin for why it is still (mostly) expected that men pay for dates and why men are mostly expected to be providers. And yes, times are changing, but those values are still embedded, often at a subconscious level.
Men and women generally value different things in partners. If a man is going to commit to provide for a partner he wants to feel that he getting something that’s been hard for others to attain and has a kind of scarcity value.
I’m not endorsing this mindset, just explaining it.
These broke ass dudes are not providing to anyone.
It doesn't matter how they frame it when they ask this question. It means "I don't think I am going to please you" and they are usually right
Take his advice. Have fun with other guys.
It’s so weird to me to see guys have an expectation that anyone they date over the age of 25 to not have a sexual history or to get hung up on that past. Unless you have also been saving yourself, which I’m guessing this dude hasn’t, it’s hypocritical.
He’s likely going to be disappointed in any number you give him if it’s above 1. He’s going to end up being that creepy 35 year old still trying to hit on 18 year olds for their purity.
I’m older at 40, but I won’t ask any girl I’m with or even care what her “number” is. I’m assuming any girl in my age range has a sexual history and it’s really none of my business.
It doesn't sound like he's joking.. kinda unfortunate, but you know what they say: easy come, easy go.
Men worry about a woman’s past. Women worry about a man’s future (potential). It’s how humans work. If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a girl that’s promiscuous, then that’s his choice.
That isn't how humans work. That is how stupid people date and end up in toxic situations.
You should always date people for who they are now. Their values and how they treat you.
People change throughout their lives. The past is a lesson, and the future is not promised.
You dodged a bullet here.
Some people have preferences. Respect them and move on. No need to explain yourself. Good luck. Updateme
She was willing to communicate the number, just not over text? What’s the preference here, obedient? Impatient? Not quite sure.
User deleted comment
5mo
God I hope you ask for std test results
It is not weird to ask. To some people this number matters.
However, to act like a child when he didnt get what he wanted is a huge red flag. He wanted to know right then and there because he has insecurities and was bothered by it. The way he acted in retaliation to you saying no showed he thought he had more influence over you than he did, as threat of abandonment, "good luck with other men", is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse that insecure people will use to get what they want.
My advice, dodge the bullet and walk away now.
As a guy, I say drop him and never feel like you are obligated to provide this information.
I don’t give a fuck if the number is 100 or 5 I have no control over what happens before I meet you. I can only judge you on your actions and behavior from this point on 🤷🏿♂️
It says a lot if someone has had sex with 100 people. Likely they have some sort of compulsive disorder and/or significant trauma either from before the sexcapade or because of it.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.