What's the weirdest thing you repeatedly say to your dog out loud that you wish he/she understood?

My dog's passion is to say hello to EVERYBODY on the street. So i always tell him "bleif reueg, net jidereen well da moien soen klengen bebe" which translates to "stay calm, not everyone wants to greet you little baby". He gets so sad when people just ignore him lol and I'm trying to teach him not to get too exicted when we're passing people (obviously doing more than just telling him that sentence lol)

Biiiiig stretch

You are barking at nothing! No one else is even outside!

I tell him that no one likes a yipping dog no matter how cute they are. It is his duty to show that not all small dogs are yippers.

Two things -

1. I absolutely promise anyone who leaves this house is going to come back. You do not need to freak out every single time people leave, especially when it's people who don't even live here who have been here for ten minutes. Everybody will come back and you don't need to cry, bark, or pee in the kitchen. I will come back. Dad will come back. Uncle J who doesn't live here will come back. Uncle S who doesn't even live in this state and you've only met once and were terrified of for the first ten minutes and then loved him for the last 20, he will come back at some point. You don't need to cry.

2. Every single command does not mean play dead. Bang means play dead. Down, drop, lay, and all the other words us and actual professional trainers have tried to teach you in the hopes you'd finally associate one consistently all mean please just lay down, not dramatically flop to your death in the middle of HomeGoods. I beg of you. The old ladies are staring.

“Do you wanna go to the vet?“

*everytime she chews or tries to chew random objects.

“It’s just a vacuum holy shit, Ripley”

Keep your teeth to yourself

“Stop eating plastic, you’re gonna have to poop it out!”

Stop hungering for poop

“Not everybody likes a barky dog.” “What are you eating?” “Thank you for alerting me (bark, bark, bark) that somebody just walked by our place. FYI, I am neither deaf nor blind yet.” “You don’t have to chime in when another dog in the neighborhood is barking.” “Would you please be quiet while I make a phone call.”

Make good choices

Flip your ear, you look ridiculous

I try to explain to him what he means to me. I have lived a very lonely life and lived way below my means just so that my family could do better or that's the way you live is why I was taught. U shouldn't buy things for yourself. He is the first purchase I made without any thought except that I wanted a dog to sleep next to me. This one has taught me so much. He has loved me through it all. Sometimes I feel he was made for me, because we are so so similar.

"Quit licking your brother's brain."

Sooo much time with their tongues in each other's ears...

"You know, I'd be able to walk a lot faster if you pulled a lot less? Then we'd both get some good exercise. Wouldn't that be nice?"

That I’ll definitely be back after work and not to look so sad and abandoned when I leave

To add to #1 ....The Amazon man is not trying to kill us. He's bringing treats.

One of his nicknames is doo-doo head because he sticks his head in the cat box and eats doo-doo, and I have an alliterative list of nicknames for him: Digby, dingbat, dirt face, doo-doo head which span his progression through puppyhood. Anyway, usually I only call him that when no one is around but the other day I said “come on doo-doo head” on a walk, then turned around and a lady was standing right there lol.

Everything I do that you don't like such as not letting you eat poop, pulling dangerous things out of your mouth, not letting you eat everything that I'm eating, and not letting you walk into traffic is because I love you

According to something I read on the internet dogs can learn up to 250 words. Your pup may understand more than you think. Our guy actually knows quite a few words for a puppy. I know you are supposed to use one word commands but he responds to things like ‘come sit over here’ ‘don’t pee on the bushes’ and ‘are you getting into trouble?’.

I do wish he would understand what I mean when I tell him that the neighbours are allowed to be in the hallway when he starts yelling at them though.

Whenever my male adolescent puppy humps my girlfriend, I say "bro code", but he does not seem to get it.

STOP BARKING AT A PLASTIC BAG

To my greyhound who is so close to catching one of our many maniac squirrels: "Sweetheart you aren't going to get what you want out of this. A golden in the neighborhood recently caught one and those fuckers fight back."

Edited for spelling

My pup always sits in the driver’s seat when we go for a car ride. When I am waiting to get in, I always say, “oh no, you’re not driving this time, remember last time? When you ran a red?”

"Get out of my pants!" (Every time I'm going poop he climbs into my pants around my ankles)

"Exercise is good for you but you're making it hard on me." (He likes to try and join when I'm doing things like planks, burpees, etc. If he's not in his kennel)

"we don't hump our friends".

😆

Don't eat rocks

“What are you eating?!?” “Can you not?!” (When she tried to eat my nose) “You keep yapping and I’ll go even slower” (meal time… every time) “Get back here with my bra/socks/underwear/shirts!!” “I think not” (blocking her from going beyond the gate into the kitchen or upstairs)

I just talk to her a lot in general.

"He's allowed to walk down the street without you commenting on it!"

“not everyone wants to be your friend” as he stares at people to come pet him “mexico is closed” As he is digging like he’s got somewhere to be ( i have a chihuahua)

I have a 9 month old rat terrier who currently weighs 18.2 lbs and I don't expect her to grow a whole lot more, as she's around the same size as her parents. She, however, thinks she's a big dog and attempts to guard me, our yard, and our house with serious barks and fence/door rushes. I constantly tell her that no matter how big she thinks she is, she is really just a little dog with a big heart and she is better off letting me do the protecting.

*edit: hilarious thing is that she's quite nervous around large dogs and children and will always ask to be picked up if either of those things approaches too quickly so she can meet them in the safety of my arms.

I would let you lick me if you stopped eating your poop.

Them’s the breaks

It’s OK to be a sad ruby

Relaxi taxi

We do not eat out of bins

“Please don’t lick the block of cheese” and “get out of the dishwasher” are up there for sure 😂

Poop outside

“Don’t eat your brother” as he puts my cats head in her mouth

“Will you please stop humping your brother” is unfortunately probably the top most spoken sentence in my house :(

“People are allowed to be outside in their own backyards, Zoey.”

My dog always tries to eat grass and I tell him he’s not a cow. So far it hasn’t helped.

Get that shit outta your mouth dumbass

That’s not food!

Go pee pee.

"Please don't eat that, it's going to make you sick and the emergency vet is expensive"

You will never be faster than the squirrels, so quit trying to chase them!!! lol

Few of mine (his name is Floki):

1) I really don't like doing this to you (whenever he spits his meds back out and we have to force it down) 2) please stop licking your balls 3) Bro please stop stepping on my feet, those are for me to walk on

I always tell my girl “thank you” when she listens to me. I’m so used to working with toddlers that I’m trying to instill good manners in my puppy

“Don’t be a weirdo. “ Also: “it’s okay weirdo, no one saw but me.”

other than the standard "I love you"s? "please don't eat that" and "keep your teeth to yourself"

When i leave my dog in the morning i tell her she’s the man of the house now that i’m leaving. I’m female so idk why i do it.

Stop jumping in peoples and other doggos face, you aren’t going to make friends if you annoy them

The world is not your buffet!!!!

“It’s the TV, bud! It’s totally fake. You’re barking at fake stuff and looking dumb. Look at your brother; he’s a smart guy. He knows the TV is fake. You’ll be smart one day.”

You cannot control the birds

Or

We have neighbours, dude

"Daddy is NOT hurting Mummy!" IYKYK.

Not me, but my husband constant says “you’re a good girl” when in fact, she is not.

"we don't chew on the furniture in this house" said multiple times a day for the last 4 months.

STOP POOPING IN THE FREAKING FLOWERBED

“Sweet girl stealing things off the table does not mean more attention, it means you’re getting into stuff you’re not supposed to!” And also, “you can’t be mad when I’m touching you if you’re laying on me!”

"Please stop screaming at cats"

I have a few

-your sister is not a chicken leg STOP nomming her -stop punching me or ill have to bop you -AHSOKA STOP CRYING YOUR UNCLE IS RIGHT THERE! -if you eat too fast youre going to get sick - and that is why you need to eat slower - anything you eat you will have to poop out - This is not snack, this is weed

When he waddles inside after going #2: "you gotta hair up your butt?"

-pup constantly eats hairs from the floor and yes, they often don't want to come out on their own.

Quit licking the window!

I’d like my corgi to know that when my kids are fighting with one another, it’s actually not that helpful for him to add to the noise with his obnoxiously loud barking.

I’d ask him which one of my original songs about good boys does he like best, because then I’d work on a second verse with his name.

I swear my dog is a person that I’ve known previously. And I’ve asked him that numerous times who are you. But he never answers L O L

I have to eat. Please leave me alone for a minute and just let me eat, please. If I don’t eat, I will die, and then who will feed you, huh?

“Stop dropping shit behind the couch!”

Because she always goes onto the back of the couch with a toy, which she proceeds to drop behind the couch. And then bark furiously because she can’t figure out how to get it back.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Usually said when she’s licking herself.

“Now Sinder, I’m still waiting for that five paragraph essay on why barking is pointless. I’m waiting!”

Leave the cat alone.

please let me cut your nails

i like to ask my dog if he needs to go "poopoo woopoos" because i think it sounds silly

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?”

relax 😭

“Get a grip” when he’s throwing a tantrum

“See? Those nice people are just existing, they ain’t worried about you!” Or “That dog doesn’t even know you exist/is separated by a whole fence. He/She can’t get you.”

My poor pup is very anxious, has severe stranger-danger I say.

"Other people are allowed to exist outside our house!"

My pug will bark at the wind. > . <

“I promise nobody wants to hurt you anymore. As long as I’m around, you are safe.” -mother of highly people reactive dog

I sing Bobby McGee to my puppy, but sing it "you are my Taters McGee"

Saying goodbye at the door each time I go out and telling her I’ll be right back — to keep her from thinking she might never see me again

Cute aggression, cute aggression! As I pet her while controlling the urge to squeeze her like the Bugs Bunny Monster squeezes Bugs. Lol. She’s so damn cute!

STOP LICKING YOUR PENIS

"I'm pretty sure your brother can clean his own dick, thank you very much." I have two male dogs and they randomly like to walk up to each other and start going to town down there. No build up issues either on both of them, they don't have issues peeing or anything. So I don't know, maybe it's a weird affection then.

No

That I’ll be back soon 😭

It's because I want to keep you safe, not because I want to keep you from having fun.

Stop pissing in the house

My dog howls when he hears crows, so I'm always saying, "You're going to feel really stupid when you find out that's a bird"

I wish they would tell me if they’re sick or feeling pain 🥲

That’s not a rabbit!

"STOP SENSUALLY LICKING THE GRASS"

Explaining to my dogs to stop barking at me to go to bed because on Friday/Saturday nights we do not go to bed at 8 because it's time to play video games.

Also that they can't bark at other people for being in their own yard lol.

“Please buddy, people on the other side of the fence are allowed to be there. If they cross the fence, go nuts. Else? Leave them to walk in peace. This also applies to dogs and cats.”

Stay out of the kitchen. All the time.

“You can’t afford to break that, you’ll need 3 jobs to replace it” as she goes and tries and eat my entire house a bite at a time

"Quit being nosey"

My dog likes to stop walking and silently stare at every stranger. The other day he had to pee at midnight and someone was outside being suspicious and he wouldn't pee and instead just starred at them.

Lol let's see

Don't touch that butter The lizard isn't food Stop pouting Don't lick that

"EWW STOP BEING GROSS!"

When he yawns I always say “yes pudding, I’m tired of your shit too” and then laugh and kiss his head. I do it so often he now expects it 😂

Not every person we see wants to say hi to you!

Get your nose out of my butt/crotch!!

Don't worry bud your pen15 is still there!

My dog love to stop and stare at anyone we encounter on a walk. No matter how deranged or threatening they look. I’ve had to drag him away from some very threatening situations more than once. Luckily we don’t live in the center of the city anymore and usually it’s okay if he wants to stop now and stare now.

I wish you cared more about me than the treats

This is to my cat, but when she wants more food, I tell her "Do you realize that there are some kitties who only get food once a day? Some don't even get food given to them! Some have to scavenge for their own food out in the wild, and here you are asking for thirds on dinner! Think of the other kitties!"

To be fair I do portion out her daily allotment of food in the morning, so she doesn't get overfed, but if I give her only two meals she still asks for more, rather than me giving her smaller meals more frequently (she's 12 and sassy and this is the worse thing she really does)

I like to call mine a cow because he's over 80 pounds, and he gets the zoomies... on a wooden floor. So he crashes into everything, so I yell, "Stop it, cow!" And he looks at me, as he's skating by with a gleam in his eye because he caught the rug and can get some more speed.

It’s not breakfast time yet, it’s 4am and I’m getting a glass of water and going back to bed. I promise I will feed you when I actually get up

I know you hate getting washed off and wiped down. I hate it too. But if you don’t roll around in giant mud puddles this wouldn’t have to happen.

Move your body, out of the way. I don’t want to hit you with (large object I’m carrying) and yes I’m coming inside but I can’t if you’re in the way!

Swallow your water. It will last longer, hydrate you better and prevent humans from stepping in slobber water

“You’re my best friend. I literally don’t know how I’d survive without you baby boy. You really saved me baby.”

I tell mine she's a fat nugget and she catches an attitude with me each time. 😂

Can you please just pee outside?

“Biting does not make me want to play with you, go get a toy or use your button”

My pup has started randomly barking at people who pass us on the street, so I say "Excuse me ma'am, you're not the only living thing that lives on this block". Somehow it calms her down and resonates with her. 🤷‍♀️

I wish my pooch would learn to shut the door that he just came through.

When we leave, we say, "Be a good girl. Bite the burglars!" She knows we're joking about something, I think, but it would be great if she understood the joke.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Don't eat your sister!" (Another dog)

"Come."

“Sundaye, go poo” X20 💩🤣😂😅

"Epstein didn't kill himself!"

“Stop barking at everyone”. “they are minding their own business you should too”. “You’re to cute to hate everyone”. Dusty has social issues 😂

Why are you raising hell at people? I can hear you all the way in the store!! No one's trying to steal you - I promise!

Please don’t intervene with the cats, you’re making things worse.

STOP BARKING. you are safe. I'm safe. Relax man!

I've been working on this behaviour for 2 years, it's slowly getting better. We used an opaque window cover over winter,but I just couldn't bear it anymore and took jt down. Some regression is happening.

So far, at two weeks in: “Think real hard about what you are about to do, ma’am.” And, “Don’t let the intrusive thoughts win!” Can you tell we’re in shark mode over here? 

“Hey fucker” he has not, in fact, fucked anything. And I feel bad when he tries to mount other dogs and I just have to be like “no sir, we’re not doing that”. His pecker comes out quite often and he’s like me when I was a kid, always digging at it.

A lifetime of no sex… I feel bad everytime.