My father came from a poor family and eventually got a job as chief of police, yet he got in so much debt after getting married and having kids that my family was poor for the most of my childhood. It is common to people who grow up without money to overspend when they have a job with better pay?

This is not uncommon for people who grew up in poverty. It’s difficult to delay gratification, and when they have the financial ability to buy things they feel they were previously deprived of, they go overboard. They also tend to lack the ability to plan long range, and spend for the here and now.

The other end of the spectrum are those who grew up in poverty, dread being there again, and consequently become Uber frugal hoarders, because they’re terrified of being without.

It’s very common, and related to a scarcity mindset. Poverty is traumatizing, and even pulling yourself out of it can lead to behaviors related to feeling like you might not have what you need in the future, so you should buy it right now, while you have the money.  Growing up in poverty is always waiting for the other shoe to drop, basically, and trying to be prepared. 

My father came from a poor family and eventually got a job as chief of police, yet he got in so much debt after getting married and having kids that my family was poor for the most of my childhood. It is common to people who grow up without money to overspend when they have a job with better pay?

There are no rules.

I grew up poor AF, and I was poor AF till almost age 40, after that things improved and now I am doing well. I am still frugal AF, instinctively so.

My sister married in her early 20's and had a decent job; she and her husband have been doing OK all of their lives; but their spending is out of control, his family left them a low 7-figure inheritance and they wasted it in about 10 years, and now they are broke, in debt, living paycheck-by-paycheck. Still in denial and trying to keep up with the Joneses, they still overspend.

So, there's that.

Impulsiveness is heritable

Yes, it’s called poverty fatigue. When a person is tired of never having anything and gets a big pay out instead of saving they spend it on stuff they wish they could have/do.

Yeah, it's common; sudden money can lead to overspending easily.

Before I say anything else, I'll say there's always exceptions to general behaviors or trends. Many people follow the patterns you mention but there are also those who are awesome enough to break that cycle. Specifically focusing on the ones who aren't able to...

As odd as it may sound, when you are truly poor, a budget is a bit of a luxury. In most cases, any money coming in is already allocated/spent the moment you get it. That's the true meaning of, "living paycheck to paycheck." The second it strikes midnight of payday on Friday, you NEED that money to catch up because you've had zero in your account since Tuesday or Wednesday if you were lucky.

When funds are that tight, there really isn't any financial "planning" going on. You're basically buying only what you can and absolutely must buy at every moment because that's all you can do. There isn't any temptation to spend the money you want to save because there simply isn't any money there to save. It's ALL going to essential day to day survival.

Then, when that person comes into money, they have multiple factors working against them. First, they've never budgeted. So, that same habit of money-in and money-out tends to continue. The more they make, the more they spend. Why? Because that's what they know and are used to doing. Second is the fear of living how they used to. They remember how much it sucked, and even when it would behoove them to step back down a socio-economic step to save, they're resistant to it because they HAD to do it for so long and now they finally have a choice not to.

Then there's social pressures to "keep up with the jones's" which (since they were in strictly a survival mode income, as mentioned above) they were never dully subjected to. Sure, there was the social pressure but they couldn't ever really act on it do to their limited funds. Having nothing prevented them from even trying. However, now they do have the funds but very little practice in actively saying, "No. Just because Bob was dumb enough to buy that, doesn't mean I should be." That sets them up to be more susceptible to buying all the newest trendy crap to fit in with their new economic circle.

Then, if they have a family, there's the normal trap of, "wanting my family to have it better than I did," which normally only equates to material things while forgetting anything they gained from a less financially wealthy life.

So, there's a bunch of things that work together to create that phenomenon. These are just a few of them.

Yes. My husband grew up poor and most of his family is still extremely poor, I’m talking average income of less than 20k per year.

He was never taught how to budget. Money was seen as if you’ve got it then you’ve got to spend it or someone might take it. Tax returns are gone within days in his family.

I’ve had to talk him out of cashing out his 401k multiple times. I’m the one that handles all of our finances just so we don’t end up bankrupt. It’s sad that it’s seen as normal for them. No one is going to budget their way out of poverty but you can sure as hell spend your way into it.

I’m guessing his framework of how he thinks the world is, the financial habits reflected his view of the world more than being poor at some point in time did.

He sounds highly controlling and insecure, everyone is less good compared to him, be it via money or education. Everyone doing something he doesn’t immediately agree with is wrong and a waste of time. He’s the authority of course. Anyone who questions him is wrong, anyone who made his life harder is worthy of blame (including his own infant children whom he created). I can hear the lack of accountability and respect for anyone including himself through your post. Anyone who blames their children for their problems is absolutely stupid in my opinion.

I think his money problems reflected his insecurity.

Yes. It's why many stay poor. They have this mindset that they never know how long they will have that money, so they spend it. People with money take a longer-term approach and will invest it or spend it more wisely.

Some can't break the cycle.

Depends, ive seen people splurge and ive seen people save.

Eh everyone is skating over the emotional trauma this man inflicted on his family.

The dude was selfish. I'm sorry OP. It seems like your father took the financial pressure out on you kids and your mother. That's not a poverty thing, that's a shitty father thing.

My parents, despite being terrible with money and growing up poor, always made sure the kids had what they needed. They constantly told us that they worked for our future, picked a neighborhood due to what they believed were good schools for us, etc.

Your father on the other hand seems to have been self-centered around himself. To him a family's use might have only been in how they pushed his image up to others as a 'family man'. Not to mention, unfortunately, a career in police is a narcissistic profession usually (sure there's good ones out there but need I remind everyone on the numerous questionable actions that have happened around the US year over year). It tends to attract people who want to be in control over others and we don't do enough psychological testing in a lot of areas for those wanting to serve. Your father seems to fit the bill.

At the end of the day, do what you want. Be that masters or otherwise and go no contact (NC) with your father. I highly recommend going to the raisedbynarcissists or whatever sub to check out other people's stories of living with terrible parents and see if there are any similarities. Also I highly recommend therapy. You are an adult, take your life where you want it to go. You don't need permission anymore.

If he feels that he did everything right it must mean he feels comfortable financially. Some high ranking police officers have a lot saved in their 457b plan. Maybe he did overspend at one point and way over estimated what he could handle, especially with 2 kids. Kids cost a lot of money so maybe it was hard for him to save at one point while also paying his debts.

Lifestyle creep. 

The more you make, the more you spend.

Yes…. It’s also normal for people who grow up well off to remain that way….even if they get no financial help. Spending habits and investing habits that we see set expectations of what we think the bare minimum we can survive on gets program into us at a young age.

If you don’t know how to budget 45k, you won’t be able to budget 120k, and so on. And people tend to think that more money will solve their problems when in reality it just creates more expensive problems if you can’t make smart financial moves

A lot of these people have a chip on their shoulder, very insecure, they feel the need to prove themselves and keep up with images. They find slight in everything when it has nothing to do with them.

If youve never had enough money that it required managing you likely haven't learned the skills needed to manage it properly. Poor people tend to have this feeling that this might be the last time that they have any disposable money and feel the urge to make the most of it. It doesn't register that it could have been an opportunity to change their circumstances beyond being able to buy those immediate things.

Unfortunately a tale as old as time..

There’s a lot to unpack in your father’s behavior. We don’t know what he went thru. I’ll tell you the pattern that I have personally been trying to break for 25 years is feast or famine spending.

I’ll spend nothing for a while, get it under control and then I will notice my clothes are all warm out or something like that and start with need spending, but progress to over spending.

My dad would spend when he had money, which was almost never. My mom would squirrel away money even if she needed something. She was loathe to throw away anything that could be used in the smallest way and deprived herself of comforts even when she could afford them.

My friend and I talked about our mothers saving everything. At their level of childhood poor, they were deprived of basics.

My parents, for the most part kept us in food, clothing and shelter. But it was rare that I had a choice in such things. So now not being able to choose makes me feel trapped and not being able to get the model I want feels depressing.

For example, I have an OLED TV. To get it, I went into debt, bought a smaller size and made a dozen other compromises, but I got the one I wanted. It is beautiful there on a very basic stand, in a run down living room, next to worn out furniture.

Everything is expensive if you're poor.

If mom & dad are loaded and willing to help out then everything is cheap. Loans have (until very recently) been 0% interest if you have something to put up as collateral/co-sign. You don't need an emergency fund if your family can lend you money. You also probably get an allowance for example $250/month to buy stuff. All your clothes, car etc. are probably paid for. You probably got a tutor to make sure you got great grades and you probably used a service to apply to all kinds of scholarships so you probably didn't even pay that much for college or your parents straight up paid for it.

People born rich are also very stupid with their money. They just don't have the consequences because they have rich family to help out.

On the contrary coming from a poor background probably means he lacked the financial education and good example that someone from a wealthier family might have. What our parents teach and raise us to do directly or indirectly is so important to how we behave and if his parents were capable of teaching him to manage money well then most likely he wouldn’t have grown up in a poor background in the first place.

Not even in the sense that his parents were bad in money, but maybe even they never had the amount of money that he was earning to be able to set an example of what to do with it even if they had wanted to.

Makes yeah kinda wonder what kinda pressure he was put thru to get out of poverty.

He sounds miserable, high stressed.

It is somewhat common for people that climb out of poverty to focus on having the “high” life while not really enjoying or affording keeping up with the jones!

Financial literacy is also normally lacking.

Your life is not your parents. It truly doesn’t matter what they think of it, it’s your life to lead not theirs.

Your father doesn’t sound like he is wise enough to understand and that’s perfectly fine.

Yes. The worst part is that I rush to get the bills paid and groceries bought within 2 days of payday so I’m broke until next payday

Not for my parents. My mom is from the Philippines. She has a big family and they were very poor. As in my mom didn’t eat after school unless she went house to house and found work in exchange for food. My dad is from Pennsylvania and is the oldest and 5 and his family was also very poor. My dad went into the military at 18 and worked his way up to a high ranking officer. And while he was in the military he was taking classes for computers like networking, security etc. and when he was still in the service he took an unpaid internship at a local computer shop that fixed computers and did other repairs. This was in the 90s.

He was a high ranking officer and retired with 30 years of service. He has a very, very nice pension. And when he retired from the military he went back to the same job basically on base only as a civilian contractor making even more money.

My dad has always been quite frugal because of how he grew up. Always planning for the future, retirement etc. they have no debt. And when my dad went back to work as a civilian contractor he didn’t spend any of that salary. He lived off of his pension which was more than enough to not only pay their monthly expenses but have a few thousand left over to save and/or invest.

My mom doesn’t like buying expensive things but she does love her bingo. My dad refused to let her waste money on it so she went and got a job so that she had bingo money. She recently quit and uses her retirement to fund her bingo since my dad is now very well off.

Only if they are stupid.

I think it's common for everyone who gets lots of money to overspend, whether the grew up rich or poor.

This is exactly why people who grew up poor often don't break out of it, even when they earn higher than average.

They see money and feel the need to spend it immediately on crap. They decide short term gratification is better than long term security.

I didn't grow up poor but we never struggled. We didn't often get what we wanted but we always had what we needed. I've been brilliant at saving and ignoring the impulses to buy and that's put me in a pretty decent position, it meant sacrificing those nights out or takeaways but it meant I was able to buy a house with a solid deposit. My wage is barely above minimum.