Apologies for the novel. Writing about 'what i'm feeling' is a pretty new thing for me, but figured it might be a healthier option than just bottling up all my frustrations.
I've aspired to be a professional musician for the last 17 years under the same banner, since I was in fact 17. I've released multiple records through fairly prominent (but not major) labels, as well as played hundreds of shows since then. Much older and maybe a bit wiser than my teen years, I feel as though it's a vicious loop of highs and lows, where the lows become ever so brutal to manage. From touring across North America, to everything blowing up in my face, sitting in an airport by myself, and having to rebuild just to do it again. It's taxing.....but yet, I still hang on to that dream of performing worldwide.
The rush of performing is like nothing I've ever encountered, I feel the most care-free when I am on stage...i'm not worried about anything at work or at home, i'm in the moment and just enjoying the energy and atmosphere. But, when the lights go out and the logistics of 'behind the scene' is where I fall off and struggle the most because likeminded attitudes in terms of that same drive and ambition are so hard to come across. You can deal with what you feel are the right pieces to fit the puzzle, but for how long?
I guess what I'm asking, is how do you manage to keep those dreams alive that depend on others to fulfill? I've spent years trying to understand what it is to be a leader, and to try and deal with partners in a likeminded way but it always seems as though that gets taken advantage of, and I'm left to scramble and try to do everything that needs to be done on my own to try and accomplish those dreams, which in turn leaves me burnt out and contemplating everything from giving up, to things much worse.
The answer almost always seems to be: create some form of steady income that prevents you from having to needlessly rely on the kindness of others and the dumb luck of "making it."
I know there's a hard-on musicians have for sacrificing everything, including basic self-care, in the name of passion but that seems increasingly like a choice of martyrdom when you could even do something as simple as drive for Uber or DoorDash to make some petty cash to fund the dream.
Also, don't box yourself into this rigid narrative that making it means getting famous on your original music and changing the world. The odds of that happening are insanely slim. Instead, be open to the many other forms that success can take - session work, offering recording services, teaching lessons, forming a cover band and getting steady/decent paying gigs, playing in church groups, getting into light or sound design, logistics, etc.
Any of those can make a viable living or at least get you networking towards one. Keeping an open mind might net you a position doing something you never imagined.