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Do I “break up” with someone who professed to want to be friends but is showing he still has feelings?
Wisdom here.. 👍👍
It isn't your duty to make things awesome for him...it's just part of dating. Of course we don't want to ever be a dick and we strive for kindness, once you've done that, you're good to go and free to not respond anymore..
Whether or not you want to hurt him is irrelevant. He might feel hurt. And he's a grown up who can manage his own emotions. It might end up super shitty and he might hate you. That's life.
You need to say "Hey, I told you I wasn't interested in dating you. I'm still not interested in it. You keep trying to kiss me and asking me out, so I just want to be clear again."
You could add an "I'm sorry if my daily texting and weekly hang outs gave you a different impression."
And stop being in daily contact and hanging out with him weekly.
User deleted comment
18d
It's more relationship-y than a lot of relationships.
I think the “fundamental incompatibilities” should inform your decision.
User deleted comment
18d
Yeah, this is not a friendship and his behavior is becoming increasingly inappropriate and boundary-crossing. Sounds like you’ll need to cut contact.
This guy is not interested in being your actual friend.
It was never true friendship.
You expect a boyfriend to always pay for you?
If I was in your shoes, I would "break up" and go no contact. Maybe for a while. Maybe forever.
Did you tell him you found him too passive? He might be trying to be more aggressive in the hopes that's what you're looking for. Tell him clearly that you see fundamental incompatibilities and it will never work.
Ok, this is more than just hovering or playing the long game. Dude is still pursuing after hearing no multiple times. Time for No Contact please.
So in fact, he isn’t your friend.
You should go no contact for 2 reasons. The first is because he is not respecting your boundaries. The second, he has feelings for you and he will have a difficult time getting over you if he continues to have contact.
For both of you, no contact is the best and kindest option.
I have a friend I met IRL. After our first "date" she clarified she only wants to be friends.
We have reasonably clear boundaries. No sex. Nothing romantic. No expectations of either. We call and text (in addition to seeing each other in our friends group, and occasionally one on one) but not more than a couple of times a week. No social media contact other than a fitness app. We've never been in each other's homes. I've been in her car, once.
We are each in therapy and are each committed to clear communications and boundaries. I have never violated her boundaries.
OP - I'd suggest telling him exactly what you consider off limits. And that if he violates that once, you're done.
I have been friends with women in such situations but this guy isn't being a good friend.
Tell him that he needs to be a good friend and never touch you inappropriately or attempt to change the nature of your relationship. Tell him you will absolutely cut off all contact with him if he can't clearly demonstrate that he respects these boundaries and understands you will never be physically or romantically involved with him ever.
You need to be very direct.
You don't need to worry about hurting his feelings. You need to state the situation and boundaries very clearly and he needs to agree to them in words and in actions. You need to tell him that this will never change. And if he ever challenges what you have told him whether he does so in earnest, or in jest, or through mere suggestion while sober or while drunk you are completely through with him as a friend.
Any reasonable man would understand this and either agree or walk away.
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18d
Whatever you've said already has not been direct enough apparently, so you must be crystal clear. If a woman rebuffed me kissing her one time, I'd never try to kiss her again unless specifically told to in flashing lights, and in reality, I'd be too embarassed to want to be in the same zip code as her. And that's why I've always asked first.
Honestly, I think this guy has a screw loose, or (he thinks) he's been "friendzoned," too many times or something. I kept having girls I asked out or went on a few dates with really try to be friends after the rejection, and it was awful for me, frankly. But I mitigated by making a rule for myself that if I was asking someone out, I was okay not being friends. But that was as an angsty 19-year-old. I can only imagine continuing the cycle.
Ew. Cut him loose. This isn’t someone acting as a friend. It’s gross.
I'm assuming you initiated the conversation about not wanting to date?
This guy is hanging on. I think it's time to just do a clean break and go your separate ways.
How is having him hanging around making you feel? I'd guess a bit energy sucking and you feel low level bad about it right?
I was in this situation last year. Met a guy, we got along well, he rejected me after the first date said he wanted to just be friends, I said fine but not fwb. Got to know each other, after 2 months I had the ick he wanted to date 🤦 I said let's continue being friends, he agreed.
Every month or so he'd send something inappropriate or ask if I was seeing anyone, it started feeling weird like he was always checking up on me. In the end my friend told me to tell him to not contact me in the nicest possible way because keeping him around wasn't fair on either of us. I felt awful, then his reaction was a bit aggressive, and I realised he was never a friend after all. I felt immediately lighter and could make room in my life for someone I do want to date.
That daily texting and meeting once a week is a massive time and energy sucker.
You don't want to hurt him, but he is not respecting your boundaries, which is hurting you. We agonize about hurting men, but I'm not sure if that makes sense if they don't give us the same courtesy.
Are you even enjoying this man's friendship at this point? Or are you spending time with him to be nice? Friends respect boundaries. It doesn't sound like he is being a friend.
(M44) Gross. This guy is soggy milk toast. Cut it off before his behavior gets even more repugnant.
Original copy of post by u/anapforme:
Met on OLD. Dated a while, get along really, really well. Attraction is there but the sexual chemistry does not work for me. He’s a super passive guy in all ways and it doesn’t appeal to me in a partner.
After two long conversations we decided to be friends. All had been going well for the past several months. We are in contact daily and hang out weekly.
However, I think he was playing the long game. A few weeks ago he kissed me and invited me in - I said no and I didn’t think we should for obvious reasons.
He has pushed on, attempting to kiss me hello or goodbye, calling me pet names lately, asked to be my date to a summer wedding, asked me to go away this summer (all recent). I shut it all down.
There are also fundamental incompatibilities for us as a couple that become more apparent the longer we know each other.
He is clearly trying to gauge if things have changed. I don’t want to hurt him, but how does this end well?
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There are also fundamental incompatibilities
I’m sorry. What was your question?
User deleted comment
18d
I think it was the right thing to say. It’s critical
I don’t try to kiss my friends. He is trying to kiss you. That’s not a friend, and you don’t see him as a partner.
In short yes, you do.
He’s hanging in the friend zone with the hope of leaving the friend zone and getting romantic again. You’re gonna have to end it with a hard stop or just stop communicating/being friendly with him.
It’s staggering to me the amount of stories I read here with women dealing with this particular type of male, it must be an epidemic in this generation.
Ghost for a while. May reestablish later if you so choose.
This one sucks because he is trying not to be passive but that isn’t working. You need to have a good conversation about this and, quite possibly, end the friendship. Maybe in a year you can be friends again if there is interest in a platonic relationship only, by both parties, but maybe by then everyone will have moved on.
Keep it simple. I would tell him you're not interested in being friends anymore because he keeps trying to push the boundary. Then cut off contact with him.
Generally, unless safety is a concern, I don't advocate ghosting. It's just unnecessarily mean. If I have a friend or someone I see socially I no longer want to be around though, I don't formally break up with them, I'm either too busy to see them or hopefully, just neither of us contacts each other again.
However, this guy was never really your friend, this was always his a plan. And he sounds like he's well out of the gauging phase. You probably should've shut everything down, dead and in the ground, the first time he tried something. But he also shouldn't have tried to sneak his way in, and should've respected your boundaries. So he should just be ghosted.
Let him go. He's my your friend.
I could not be friends with someone who insists on trying to have sexual contact. It would ick me right out.
YES.
Look OP, I believe the title of your post is misleading. Let me rephrase it for you in a way that captures the full situation
Do I “break up” with someone who professed to want to be friends but is showing he actually wants to get back into my pants? And who isn't actually willing to have a conversation about reconnecting like an adult but is instead pushing and pushing and pushing, putting me in an incredibly uncomfortable position while he deliberately ignores my clearly stated wishes?
I'm not going to lie. I've "shot my shot" with a friend by moving in for a kiss before. I have occasionally launched myself at someone like I had been fired out of a nuclear-powered-horny-girl-cannon. And I've likewise had friends or exes "shoot their shot" with me in similarly brash and clumsy ways.
But there's a difference between trying to "read the room" (and sometimes reading it dead wrong!) and what your guy is doing. He's not some poor little bebe trying his best and finding it difficult to read your cues cuz ladies are sooooo mysterious! He's someone who's had the benefit of your very clear and consistent communication and is being deliberately obtuse. He knows damn well that he is putting you in a really uncomfortable position. He simply does not care.
I see other commenters coaching you on how to approach this conversation so that you can effectively negotiate for a continued friendship with this guy. And I think the scripts you are getting are delightfully direct and unapologetic. But I don't think you should bother using them. This guy is not your friend. He has proven that with his deliberate, disrespectful, boundary-pushing behavior.
Instead of looking for the "right" way to confront him so that he must abide by your boundaries, you would be better served recognizing that the fact that you are in this position at all is a bright red flag waving in your face.
AT BEST this guy is so clueless that he sincerely believes he can pester his way into your heart. That if he just does the stuff YOU DO NOT WANT enough times, you will suddenly and inexplicably want a romantic/sexual relationship again.
AT WORST he knows damn well that your preferences have not changed, but he's not interested in your preferences, he's merely interested in your resolve. If he goes for the kiss ten times and you sternly shut him down, no harm no foul. He has you pegged as someone who will refuse to draw any REAL boundaries that involve REAL consequences, keeping that "friendship" door wide open and leaving him free to try that eleventh time. Maybe that eleventh time you finally give in. Will you be into it? Maybe. Maybe not. Does he care? No.
So what if you do have yet another conversation with him? What if you lay out your boundaries and make it clear that the consequences are no longer merely you being put in a compromising position, but him getting friend-dumped? What if he responds with total agreement?
Do you really want that? A "friendship" with someone who couldn't be assed to care about your boundaries when they assumed you'd continue to give them the benefit of the doubt? Who could only muster the decency to abide by them when consequences for him were a possibility? Do you want a friendship that's predicated on your willingess to be a hardass to compensate for his self-serving side?
And can you trust him to really abide by your boundaries? To finally care? Or do you think there's a possibility that he'll merely "fall back" until he believes your guard has dropped again? What happens if you're hanging out on a night when you're emotionally vulnerable? What happens if you go out drinking and have a few too many? Do you actually trust that you can lecture this guy into being decent going forward, or are you just asking him to play the long game?
Personally, I wouldn't risk it. At this point he's shown you his character. He's shown you how much stock he puts in your boundaries and your communication. This is not a good guy, at least not for you.
And assuming you're looking for a relationship, how exactly is this "friendship" going to look to any potential partners. "Oh, Garry? Haha, he's just a friend! No really. Wellllll, we did date, but I called it off. Totally. I mean, there were all the times he tried to invite me up for sex or to get physical with me, but I shut that shit down! Not that that stopped him, I guess. He still kept trying and trying and trying. It was pretty over the top, to be honest. NOT THAT I EVER WENT ALONG WITH IT. But obviously I can't stop being his friend. I mean, that would make HIM uncomfortable, yanno? And I can't have THAT."
If I'm dating someone who has a "friendship" like this, and even if I believed there was nothing underhanded going on - my new partner was NOT trying to triangulate me or keep their ex "on the back burner" - I am going to see that dynamic as a huge red flag. That is someone who struggles to maintain boundaries with people who are sexually or romantically motivated towards them. The fact that they found their "friend's" behavior unwelcome would NOT reassure me. It would just drive home how absolutely unwilling they are to set meaningful boundaries, even in situations that made THEM uncomfortable.
I know you're reluctant to hurt his feelings, but it doesn't sound like he has any such concerns about yours. And frankly, if he didn't want to get friend-dumped he shouldn't be acting in a way that continually strains the friendship. I actually wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't care about maintaining the friendship, and that's why he's going all out with the romantic/sexual overtures. It's not like you two have history, so if he pushes too far and you cut him off for good, it's no big loss to him.
And to be honest, just because something hurts his feelings doesn't mean it's unfair or even unhealthy for him. Maybe his feelings SHOULD be hurt if he keeps acting like a pushy ass. Maybe he SHOULD feel the natural consequences for his actions rather than receive countless second (and third and fourth and fifth) chances. Maybe he SHOULD be confronted with the possibility that just because a woman is kind doesn't mean she's asking to be steamrolled into regret sex.
In fact, I think you should use his own behavior as your opening to cut him off.
"Hey Bob, I've enjoyed getting to know you, and I really was hoping we could be friends, but your actions make it clear that we are not on the same page. I don't believe this dynamic is healthy for either of us, and I am moving on. Do not contact me again. Goodbye."
Then block, block, block him everywhere and never respond again.
It's not about whether or not he will be hurt. He's a pretty shitty person if you've made it clear you don't want a relationship and he's gone on to kiss you without your consent and done other bullshit that clearly crosses boundaries. Block him.
After two long conversations we decided to be friends
Who is "we" here? Did you decide to downgrade to friendship? Or did he broach that first? Or did you decide on friendship because you didn't see much aggressiveness (per your expectations) from him?
If you are consistently seeing more and more fundamental incompatibilities then you have your answers even clearer than the point of friend zoning.
Answers to above questions may help you figure out what exactly happened at each major step.
Friend zoning. Kissing. Inviting in. Pushing on. Kissing at hello. At goodbye. Inviting for summer wedding. Inviting for summer going away.
It's great you have shut it all down. But it seems to continue and is bothering you. So best way to proceed is to decide for yourself:
1) I get along well with this guy but a while ago I felt no attraction because of his super passiveness.
2) Was I correct then? Or do I need to change my opinion about him?
3) If I was correct then how do I shut down this constant breaching of my boundaries and focus on finding a good match for myself?
Answer to 3 is simple. You tell him bluntly that your feelings are not reciprocal and you need to stop constant texting and certainly not hanging out weekly - so you can focus on your search. Since you are local, it will be nice if you two remain on friendly terms but no more feelings for each other. If needed let him know that he can reach out in case of emergencies but otherwise only you will initiate any further contact.
If the guy is nice - as you think he is - he will get it and not hold a grudge against you etc.
Good luck.
User deleted comment
18d
Thank you for all of your time and details here. Helped me understand more.
I have zero doubt that if you let him know "I'm feeling violated and you need to stop poking me continuously." either firmly in words or by your words (I mean saying no and why - because I am moving on) then violations will stop. Pin a "No bondary crossing" meme on your chat msg app.
Since you two are local and get along well, I would urge you to give following a serious thought though:
We were both grieving over past relationships. I needed xyz. I communicted that. He is now showing change in behavior. If I give him a second chance what does that mean for me?
No person is a static thing in this world. This guy is showing signs of change.
But it's your call. And that's how it should be. Always.
I apologize. I went through your previous posts AFTER replying to you above that it may help you give a second chance to this guy.
If this is the guy having trouble in the sex area (5 mo ago) OR "Pete" (blogger who asked his followers to reach out to you) then you just leave on read (best so you know where their mental state is), or block, or call authorities.
Hope one of those solutions work out for you.
Stay safe.
Why did you offer friendship and hang out with him so much afterward a breakup? This makes no sense and seems like you could have been toying with this man’s emotions intentionally.
User deleted comment
18d
You met on a dating app with the intention of dating. You have come to the conclusion dating isn’t a good fit. Do you honestly think this man wants to hang out everyday just because?
This is a textbook example of why offering friendship as a soft landing seldom works.... When there's obvious attraction on one side it's not really a friendship. It's a person hovering in orbit hoping for more which is not in good faith.
The way friendship works after dating is when both people decide that there isn't chemistry or attraction but they like each other as people and continue platonically that obviously wasn't the case here.
So yeah you need to break it off and go no contact.