Where nobody -- but everybody -- looks their age.
r/datingoverforty•129.0K subscribers•23 activeI’m F43 and I RARELY talk on the phone anymore unless necessary and I almost never just call someone socially. Even with a long distance best friend, if we want to talk on the phone, we basically make an appointment to do that. Nothing crazy, but just like “hey if you’re free tomorrow afternoon, give me a call.” I text my friends and family throughout the day and that’s usually how we make plans to get together in person as well.
Now, in the world of OLD, I’m finding that a lot of men want to talk on the phone after communicating through the app a bit and honestly it’s just so weird and uncomfortable to me. I’m cool with sending voice messages if it’s like they want to make sure I’m a real person and I’m more than happy to make plans to meetup in person if it seems like we might be a good match, but why the phone call thing??? If I give out my number, text me! And certainly don’t just call without asking.
I feel like I’m letting my millennial leaning xennial tendencies show, but good lord, why do we need to talk on the phone????
I should add that I work all day and then have kids at home, so I can keep up a text convo, but time to just sit and gab on the phone is limited even if this was something I didn’t find so aversive.
I am widowed and began dating again about a year ago.
I recently broke up with a man I’d been dating for 2 1/2 months. We grew close quickly and there was definitely chemistry but I started to realize we weren’t the right fit.
He keeps asking “why don’t you want my love?” and is heartbroken. I feel terrible but also frustrated that he’s spinning it this way. How do I respond to a question like that?
I can see he’s feeling rejected and bad about himself (has trauma and abandonment issues that he’s only recently begun to address btw). I feel bad for hurting him, but also upset that I’m being made to feel like a villain, when I simply felt we weren’t compatible and said so in the kindest way I could.
42F and just went through a break-up of a 3-year serious relationship. The final decision was mine- he had great qualities, wanted to get married however was insecure, wanted to be serious too fast and I was often accused of cheating, hiding things and it got really exhausting to try to carry someone else's mental load. We have been to counselling but I got to a point where I did not see the future anymore, the bad outweighed the good times and negatively impacted my mental health plus shrunk my world. I am pretty confident in my decision but after having been divorced in my mid 30s followed by an LTR that turned physically abusive and now this, feel a bit defeated. My life is otherwise fulfilling- have a great kid, great dog, a good job. Just cannot shake that feeling of not getting to have a healthy relationship as I am getting older and my 'prime' is behind. Also doesn't help my last partner used 'nodody will love you as much as I do'quite often. I always said to primarily focus on my son- going to be 46/47 by the time he graduates and it just sank in what if I won't meet anyone in the future and perhaps should have tried harder and compromise more. (Know deep down its just post-breakup state of mind). Please give me some encouraging stories of late life success. Edit: Not hung up on finding anyone neither it is on my priority list. Perhaps the first time I feel 'getting older' without much to show for in the relationship department.
My (37f) long distance bf (41m) of 3 years has wanted to get married for a while now. He and I were arguing a lot the past few months, until a week ago when we worked things out. Today I traveled to his house to surprise him. While he brought in my luggage I went into the bathroom and saw gold wrappers in the trash, and 3 used condoms.
The only plausible acceptable explanation I can think of would be that he uses them… solo.. he is ocd and hates messes, anything sticky. He’s usually a great communicator. 99% of the time answers immediately when I skype him, day or night. I have his location but rarely check it. He lives alone and doesn’t have guests. To my knowledge, no one else has been in his house. But I don’t keep anything here so there is zero evidence here that he is in a relationship. Every time he knew I was visiting he’d clean & take the trash out before I arrived. He’s friends with a good number of female coworkers I’ve never met, they text, follow him on socials/snap & vice versa. I’ve never gone through his phone and I don’t know his password.
If I ask about this, and he is cheating, won’t he just lie and be more careful? I know he feels we are an ideal match and wants to stay together long term. I’m scared and I don’t want to waste my time. I know strangers on the internet can’t tell me whether he’s cheating, but any advice, please? Does this sound as bad as it looks to me?
**Update: He is away right now, I haven’t said anything yet. Still a little in shock I suppose. Reading your input and I’m grateful for every comment. I have trusted him completely but I am not naive and I do feel this evidence is damning. Unfortunately even if he were to give a flawless explanation, I think I will always wonder after finding this.
A couple months ago I briefly dated a guy and it fizzled out. I enjoyed my time with him and found him attractive but nothing really came out of it so I didn’t give it much thought.
He popped up again recently and, wow, I really made a mistake in entertaining him again. Initially, everything was fine and he seemed very interested, although he was keen to keep pointing out that he thought I’d ghosted him the first time round (I definitely hadn’t).
However, as soon as I slept with him again he did a 180: hot and cold communication, he started talking down to me and making jokes at my expense and he made comments that let me know he basically thought he was better than me. He stopped showing any interest in me or my life and it soon became apparent he had demoted me to nothing more than a booty call as he tried for three evenings in a row to come to my place after 9pm. I made it clear that won’t be happening which didn’t go down well and he wanted to know how much notice I needed for him to show up! WTF.
I stopped responding to him but he’s messaged again, this time with a sarcastic comment about me ghosting him again. Is it ok just to block him at this point? I usually just ignore people like this once I’ve let them know I’m not interested but I feel like he’s been massively disrespectful and I’m also feeling like a fool for being treated like this.
40F here. Met a guy 38M on online dating and we hit it off from first date itself. We met weekly once or twice, talked every day, texted each other only to make plans. On 3rd date, we hooked up and had sex and it was good. Until 5th date, it was all good. Communication was healthy, consistent, clear and it felt warm. On 5th date ( a month since we met), I noticed a shift in energy and asked him about it. He openly addressed it and we had a very long conversation where he explained that he isn’t feeling it and would not want to continue dating, however he sees a great friend in me and would want to continue being friends, the decision is entirely up to me. Said that he would hate to loose me as a friend. A week later, he reached out to meet up however I was very upset and refused citing I’m not feeling well that week.
The thing is - I also do see a great friend in him. And now when I look back, I realise he would make a better friend than a partner. It took me 2 weeks to get over this though . I thought I was in control of my emotions but I was a wreck and then I realised that I get attached too quickly and need to manage my emotions better especially in the initial stages when I m not even dating but just seeing if someone is date worthy. He was also the first guy I met after a break of 5 years from dating. I am now meeting and seeing other people and going on dates frequently.
However, I do miss him as a friend. After our conversation, he has reached out weekly once over text just checking up on me. I have responded briefly but amicable. He is also going through a very rough patch in health and professional areas. I would usually support a friend, call them , offer advice/help but given our history, I have been distant but amicable. After 2-3 weeks, my head is in a lot more clear space and I would like to be platonic friends with him. Is it ok to check on him now and then?
TLDR: met a guy thru OLD, hit it off, and saw each other for a month (5dates). After 5 dates, he told me he isn’t feeling it and wants to be friends. I was upset and it took me 2-3 weeks to get back to normal. I’m now seeing and meeting other people. However, I do miss him as a friend and now also realise he is more suitable as a friend than a partner. Since our “breakup” , he has consistently checked on me every week by texting me. I have been distant but amicable. I now feel I’m in right head space to be friends, is it ok if I check on him now n then and just be friends? I don’t think 5 dates even qualify to call him an ex.
Fluddr came across my social media feed today. Has anyone used it, and if you have was it much different than any other OLD app?
Recently, a lot of my (42 F) online interactions have gone like this: - we match - I send an initial message based on profile information like “I see you like x. I like x too. Where’s your favorite place to get x?” And typically something generic too like “do anything fun in the beautiful weather this past weekend?” Incase they don’t actually want to talk about x. - I get an immediate response saying “this platform isn’t great for communication can we switch to snap/kik/discord/text/etc?” - I ghost
Honestly, if you’re not comfortable with the technology, get off the site. I’m not giving you any of my contact information if you can’t even answer the questions that I asked you in an initial message. I understand those platforms are anonymous, but no, I’m not changing every social account that I have because you turn out to be a stalker. You get nothing—no additional pictures, no contact info, nothing except what’s in my profile—until at least 4 or 5 decent messages in. I’m not sure why these men would expect otherwise. Are they just fishing for something? If you’re a real person, I highly recommend avoiding this behavior.
Dating for one month and he sent me this on Friday.
“To be honest, I’ve debating what to do because you’re such a sweet and beautiful soul and I feel attracted to you but I’ve been struggling a bit to feel a romantic connection between us, I feel there is something off and I don’t know what it is.
That said, I really like your company, I like talking to you, I enjoy spending time together so it’s kinda confusing. I feel I need some time to myself to understand how I feel so I can have more clarity.”
I told him I would give him space and he was out of town this weekend. He texted me Saturday morning to say hi and to “send me good vibes”. Nothing today. I’m not feeling very optimistic. Does anyone have any experience with this kind of thing actually resulting in a connection? I’m assuming that’s not going to happen and I’m trying to start moving on mentally.
Sometimes I feel guilty when I get a like on an app (which is not often) and I’m just not interested. I of course look through the profile and see if there is anything that catches my attention, but it’s usually not there. Yet I’ve been single for some time and wonder if I’m perpetuating the cycle.
I guess George Costanza was right. When I like them, they don’t like me. When they like me, I don’t like them.
I’m met someone interesting on a dating app in March- I was surprised when we did meet up after the bunch of texting, that I found him attractive and interesting. A little awkward. A little little rigid but interesting.
Right from the first date, we had attraction and stayed in touch quite a bit. Much more texting then I like, but I’m trying to just let it unfold and he seemed more comfortable with texting so I let it ride. Since March we have generally seen each other on weekends not every weekend. However, two weeks ago things seemed to be flowing really well. I’m at his son for the first time which was sort of awkward. Long story. I don’t need to go into here..
It was a little bit of an awkward night, and we did get intimate. The problem is now I am worried that I haven’t checked in on where we are or what to expect.
It felt good, so I figured it would keep feeling good
Well, last weekend he had a lot of plans and I knew I wasn’t going to see him and that was fine. But since he’s been back, he’s texted but not picked up the phone which makes it two weeks since I’ve seen him in person or even really had a conversation on the phone. I’m not comfortable with this.
I also feel like it would be confrontational to call him up and say what I want to say which is “are we dating”? Sounds silly, but I feel very disconnected from him right now.
Last year I happen to match with my high school crush on a dating app. We both said hello and immediately sent each other our numbers. We talked for about two days and then we decided to meet up.
During our meet up, we reminisced about the old days and we caught up with the new days and by the end of the night one thing started to lead to another…
We did not have sex, though I wanted to, because he left guilty. Apparently he had a harem of woman, at least 7, that he spoke to on a on again off again basis and about three of them were his top girls, so he felt bad.
I’m glad this came out before anything else happened but from time to time I still think about him, more curious about how everything ended up with him.
Has anyone had an experience with a high school sweetheart or crush?
In my 20's I remember when having sex by the 2nd date was considered moving too fast least it was to me I thought, not that I find anything wrong with having sex but guys are you finding that you're having sex first before you get to know the woman you're dating?
Idk I've changed now that I'm older and I'd rather least get to know the woman a little bit first but what has been your experience these days? I've been out of the game for awhile but starting to get back to meeting people IRL and having friend groups and starting to go get involved in the community but I feel like such a prude now and looking to settle down with someone who shares common interests, having physical intimacy and being physically attracted to each other and having great sex is important but now that I'm older I need to get intellectually stimulated first before I feel that I can get sexually stimulated maybe I'm a weirdo (well yes I know I'm a weirdo lol)
Thoughts?
Hi Everyone,
I recently went on a date with a 44 year old demi-sexual woman. We texted everyday, once a day, long getting to know you question asking and day sharing for three weeks. We finally met up and went on a 2 1/5 hour walk in a park. She smile and laughed here and there and we talked about a lot of intellectual topics and revistsed stuff we said we would talk about through text. We did start talking about more personal stories here and there, nothing to heavy. But when heavy, very brief. She didn't lean in much I noticed and she was initially physically reserved but later opened up.
We walked and I didn't notice her looking at me much just occasionally, while I noticed I looked at her a bit more but we did mirror each other quite a lot. At the end of the date she hugged me and thanked me for driving and I told her thank you for today it was nice meeting you. She then said "I'll tak to you later".
I tell her a little later it was nice to get to know her in person and be around her and was interested in another if it felt right for her too. She told me she is overwhelmed with work and doesn't think she has the time to pursue this connection, also given the distance (an hour and a bit, but could be less). She enjoyed getting to know me too. She asked me if I would consider reconnecting later. I told her I would and told her to message me if and when she fees she's not busy. Her last message just reinterpreted she enjoyed getting to know me.
Forgive my lack of social understanding, I'm just wondering if this was a polite way to reject me instead of being honest she didn't see anything possible there with me?
Context: She did say she is busy, especially this past week as the co-director of her center went on sick leave and she's trying to put lots of things together. She's going on break in a month and trying to get everything in place before she leaves. She has six weeks off then. She also mentioned she struggles to see everyone she wants too and not enough alone time.
In my head that's what a partner is for,, to support you through these tough times? So I am unsure whether she's being honest, but I WANT to take her at face value. She also didn't set a TIMEFRAME for reconnecting which makes me suggest she's just letting me down easy. So if she was truly busy but interested wouldn't she set s timeframe? I figured its possible she doesn't want to give false hope but if you like someone, wouldn't you also want to ensure you get that chance?
I'm totally fine with all this, I hope she finds happiness, just asking in general for how to approach like in 6 months could I say hey? or like is it realistic to at least hope for a small reconnection, was it genuine?
Either way I know its a no, she's not interested in me and I'm going to move on.
I seem to find that how a partner kisses shows surprisingly much about them. A good kisser to me is someone who is a bit adventurous, masters the different levels of passion you can put in a kiss, and is responsive to their partner’s kissing.
Now, adventurous, mastering different levels of passion, and responsive to their partners - these are traits that are also very attractive to me in a relationship, and sexually. So the first few kisses can be very decisive of whether I want to pursue more with them.
Has anyone had the same experience?
I [41M] will never EVER do a LDR again. The only LDR for me is Lana Del Rey.
My now ex-girlfriend [33F] dumped me via text after we got back from a vacation earlier this week. We had never had a single fight or arguement...not even a disagreement, really.
The only issue we had was the distance (three hour drive apart) and it was enough to make things incredibly difficult. I was a little naive being an LA native that now lives in Oregon because the weather did keep us apart multiple times in the Winter and it's an issue I didn't really consider. We still spent most every weekend together, but I was snowed in a few times.
The thing is...in my opinion...people are able to keep secrets in long distance relatuonships and she had hers. She unloaded so much strange stuff on me in the break up text. She was apparently insanely jealous of a female coworker of mine, she hated certain insecurities of mine...she went on and on. My mom came up from California specially to meet her and visit with us twice and she disliked her apparently.
My new rule is 1 hour. I have to find the woman of my dreams and she has to live behind the Walmart on the other side of town. Maybe my next store neighbor will dump her boyfriend soon and wants to hook up because I will never subject myself to a long distance relationship ever again. I need to be able to see who I am with every day. I need be able to touch them and look into their eyes. There is too much that people can hide.
Our local news station here in Queensland Australia just ran a story that Linkedin is being used as a subtle dating app .. Has anyone given this a go ?
Me (41M) started talking to this girls (39F) 3 weeks ago. She kept on obsessing about me and telling me im very handsome etc and since we have similar cultural background, I was really enjoying my convo as well. She did have a daughter to take care of and lived with her parents which meant we couldn't catchup all the time but we did once a week. She kept on asking me if I had told my friends/family about her and said she mentioned me to her sisters (she saw her fam all the time almost every day). She told me she had an ex who cheated on her and had an on/off 2 year relationship with someone who wasn't committing and I was super nice to her and so kind and it was very refreshing.
I spent time with her on Friday and when we were at my place she suddenly said ' please don't get attached to me' to which i got a bit upset and controlled myself a bit then. I told her the next morning that I wasn't happy with what she said. She apologized but around 1:30 pm her messages became super formal and then she told me Sunday she has a daughter etc. and she doesn't think we are a good match and it will be hard to continue.
She has moved on so much that when I asked her earlier today what happened on Sat when she decided to go cold, she said 'oh I went to a comedy show (Ari Shaffir was performing) with my sisters'. Its like she moved on super quick from it.
Can I ask for an opinion on this? It seemed like she is super confused and I was not really her type which is weird coz we used to talk all the time like nonstop texts/calls.
As the title suggested, what is something important that you’ve learned about dating in your 40s?
For me, I know that I should live for the present and enjoy the moment, but I keep seeing myself over-thinking: Will this going anywhere? What if this what if that…etc.
Background: My bf is much younger, highly ky educated, never married, an only son and comes from culture where where arrange marriage is common. He is fully committed to us, but we don’t really talk about the future because reality’s that there’s no future for us. Knowing the inevitable a lot of time I can’t focus on the present.
I want to hear your experience and hopefully learn some wisdoms to enjoy my relationship as it is.
Matched with a man 3 days ago. We were having great phone conversations, and were planning on meeting this weekend. I managed to get his first, middle, and last names which were accidentally disclosed by him. Supposedly has a great career, and wants LTR. Told me some things which weren't exactly positives, but not his fault. Mostly some health concerns. It did make me uncomfortable that he made it a point several times about the money he makes. He was really regurgitating his entire life story in minute detail. He said it's because he's an "open and honest person". I guess it's kind of like when someone has to tell you that they're a good person. I was starting to get really unsettled about him.
This morning, I went online and checked court records for his county. He's only been there since November. Only a few weeks later, he was ticketed for 71mph in a 45mph zone. The criminal complaint says he was unable to produce a DL because it was suspended in his previous state for too many speeding tickets. He told the cop that he was just hoping that he wouldn't be caught, lol. He also had a court date yesterday amid texting me.
I guess I'll just tell him that I don't feel worthy of his greatness. The last 2 times that I told men in a very mild way that it wasn't working for me and why, I got a barrage of nastiness and dick pics.
Anyway, it's actually kind of amazing the amount of men OLD who've not paid multiple tickets, and have waited to have their licenses suspended before doing so. Many have had multiple suspensions. I think this latest one probably has too many points to even get his license back without a lot of work.
What do you all think of the recklessness around tickets? Would you entertain these people? I do not.
ETA: I read the citation again. The DL is suspended due to having too many points on the license. Not just non-payment of fines.
This question is primarily for men who date women. Would you rather know beforehand, after or not at all?
I 49m have been dating a woman 40f for 3 weeks. Everything has been pretty awesome and by all indications she is my person. Her birthday is in another 3 weeks. What is an appropriate gift?
I have been dating someone for over 3 months who is on the opposite side of our nation’s political divide. Everything about our relationship is absolutely wonderful. I knew this person for a couple years before we started dating, so the politics thing was not a surprise. However we do both feel strongly about our views. Any advice out there from those in a similar situation? How do you handle your differences? We have given each other space to talk, even poked fun at each other about it. But wondering what tips anyone might have who has been in a longer term relationship with one person on either side.
Purposely leaving out which side I stand on, please I am not looking for any political discussion. Just looking for tips on how you may be successfully navigating these waters!
42M here. I'm going on a 2nd date this weekend with a woman. We seemed to connect well initially texting back and forth. The 1st date went well, we actually continued the date beyond what we had initially planned.
That was last weekend, and this week things seemed to just kinda stall. We have planned a 2nd date, however I've raised the topic of what that date will be twice, and both times she didn't even acknowledge the statement...perhaps an oversight.
Either way I'm kinda feeling like she's a great person but we're just not clicking like that. Perhaps being together in person will change that vibe, but if it doesn't, I'm okay with it, life goes on etc, but is it something you bring up in person at the end? Is it something you can do over text? Thinking maybe if she doesn't feel exactly the same way she might prefer not being in front of me etc...also her building has a fairly busy front entrance, not ideal for that conversation lol.
I know it's only a second date and all, just curious what the general rule of thumb is?
Hello! I’ve been single for about a year after being in a relationship since 2018. Pre-2018 the apps worked out well for me, and that’s in fact how I met my last boyfriend.
My question is, are the apps really that bad?
My recent use (last 6 months) on Hinge has been miserable. I get a lot of likes, but they’re almost all bad matches. By “bad matches” I mean vastly different politics, age or martial status than I’ve indicated I prefer. I’ve heard of the algorithm trying to force users to pay to upgrade by withholding good matches.
Or, it’s probably valid that since I’m now almost 7 years older (and older looking) men are looking for younger matches and just not as interested.
So basically I’m curious if these circumstances are reflective of the apps, just life for a middle aged woman on the apps, or maybe a mix of both?