For the ladies - Just how important is money?

We women over 40 have our own money, and are reluctant to become a potential provider for another adult. We often have kids to support, college tuitions looming on the horizon. We aren’t looking for financial gain from male partners, but we desire stability.

Advertising yourself as a starving artist will have women groaning, “another mouth to feed.” Off-putting.

As an artist, you’re better off meeting someone who really connects with your artwork. She will value what you value most.

Having read your comments I feel like this is a lot more about the kind of women you chase, and not women in general. 'All the glitz and glamour' - my man, some of us have zero glitz and zero glamour.

That being said. Is money important to me - absolutely. Does that mean I want a man to support me - absolutely not. All that means is I want a man that can support himself and that my lifestyle does not drastically deteriorate for being with him.

"Money" is not important. I do fine. Being able to support himself and pay his way on modest dates is basic adulting, though.

Well from this post alone, your defeatist attitude is off-putting. It probably comes through more strongly than you realize. Secondly, concentrating all your efforts on one app, and a low-quality app at that, is a silly decision. Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder are all perfectly usable for free, and the first two tend to have a much better user base than Facebook Dating.

To answer your first question, I'm looking for a partner who enjoys a lifestyle that's similar to my own. In practical terms, we wouldn't be compatible if we aren't in at least a similar tax bracket, have reasonably similar schedules, similar interests, etc.

If you arent dressed like a homeless guy in your photos, mention being a 'starving artist' or complain about money in your dating profile - how is anyone supposed to know what your economic situation is?

It might be something else in your dating profile that is putting people off. You ought to consider posting a profile review

First, more men are on dating apps than women, so women are inundated with messages and requests and therefore have more options.

Also, your preferences might be set narrower than you think.

Of all the “matches” and messages, few are likely good candidates to have a relationship with, but by the time you go through so many messages varying from “very charming” to “almost criminal”, and believe it or not, there are more closer to the “almost criminal” than you’d think. MUCH more.

So, the more negative messages/interactions we have the more cognizant, vigilant, and jaded by the experience in our way we become, because regardless of how nice some one looks or what they say on their profiles that seemed normal, interesting, and not dangerous, many of those guys end of being obnoxious, rude, threatening, scary within a few exchanges if we don’t respond how they expect.

Some start out the conversation that way just because they get off abusing women and because being an extreme asshole can provoke a response, and I guess negative attention is better than no attention.

So we scrutinize and look at every little detail and start checking red and orange flags.

And if a woman is a financially successful and also responsible solely for the majority of the cost of raising a child and funding her retirement, so she’s not a burden on her children, and never wants to be dependent on someone and made to feel less than. She’s not going risk that security and stability, as there are hobosexual men that are looking to exploit that.

Also, there is a variety of men who get real weird and resentful eventually in a relationships when they aren’t as financially successful and have the same social capital that their girlfriend or wife has and it threatens their feelings of masculinity.

And then they become a terrorizing demon soul crusher to sooth their feelings of insecurity and to obtain an upper hand in the relationship because they don’t have a financial one to beat her down with.

So, we’re trying to avoid those guys, too.

So any weird or unsure vibe a guy is putting off about money is going to be passed over.

Most of us have probably already been married, and when we were younger, we were more hopeful, carefree, and attached all our copious amounts of naive inexperienced neurotransmitters and hormones to what ended up being the most good-for-nothing-biggest-bag-of-shit-and-filth because we just knew he’d change/growup/turn himself around/whatever we over looked because that’s what we were expected to do, because that’s what we were told to do by a generation or two of other women that didn’t have the same rights and opportunities we do now, or we had too many step-dads because we’re still under the generational blanket that thought a child HAD to have A father figure, stigmatized for being single-moms, and made a lot less than men did. So they kept on getting married until they got it right—but they rarely did.

Also, 1 out of every 3 of us have been sexually abused by SOMEONE.

So, now we know better and maintain CONSTANT VIGILANCE because we’re trying to make better decisions for ourselves and survive.

Redo your profile. You’re probably giving off a vibe that isn’t translating to security, stability, and SAFETY.

It is a numbers game.

There are more men looking than there are women. And being close to a big population centre makes it easier than it otherwise would be.

Money is an issue for some people but most of us women just want a man who can pay his own bills and won't be a financial. burden.

You are going to struggle at the best of times due to the gender ratio, but relying on the free option of the worst dating site is not generally the most promising of plans.

If you're worried about your profile, you can post it here for constructive comments, but basically you're going to need to put more effort in (and possibly money).

It's a competitive market, why would a decent woman be attracted to a man who makes practically zero effort?

Are you just here torturing yourself or do you think you’re going to make a different decision based on the answers you get to your questions?

I could tell you that my experience dating women bears almost zero resemblance to the opinions I see on reddit, so the information is of limited utility to begin with. Second, as I think you’re recognizing in your edit, you’re taking a very dim view of women and people in general.

Don’t play games, just be as authentic as possible, and you will appeal to the women who find you appealing and you won’t appeal to those who don’t. It’s freeing. The further you deviate from the norm, you may find that there is less interest in raw numbers, but the interest you do get may in fact be more intense and special.

Ultimately, I think you’re way way too far in your head over all this. Just be yourself, let the chips fall where they may. Good luck!

For me it is VERY important, far more than looks.

I make a very good living and I am into saving and investing. I have no debt. I LOVE to live a comfortable life and be able to engage in nice events like dining out.

I'm quite content single so for me there is no benefit to dating a man who is not able to take me out to dinners or who doesn't have financial solvency.

I will only date a man who is on/around my level in terms of professional success and lifestyle values. I'm not going to do any "struggling" with a man because I already achieved success working hard.

Money matters not because I'm materialistic but because money equals security, comfort and life enjoyment. I don't want to lower my lifestyle to meet a man who isn't my level. Definitely not in my 40s.

I don’t care if a man has money, but I will not date someone who can’t support himself. He does not have to support ME, I do that just fine on my own. But after being with someone for 15 years and paying 90% of our expenses of our expenses the entire time - never again.

Money is important to some people and not important to others. Poor people get married, get laid, and have lifelong relationships all the time. Your best bet is to find someone in a similar financial situation (another struggling artist perhaps) or for whom money isn’t a priority. Trying to meet someone off the apps (like at art-related events) might work best. The apps (and online dating advice tbh) aren’t very kind to people who aren’t at least middle-class.

Poor people date....

Poor people have sex....

Poor people get married....

Most of the women I’ve dated have made more money tHan me. It hasn’t ever come up as an issue.

As long as he is employed and can pay his bills, and take care of his obligations, I don’t care. I am not looking to be taken care of as I do more than just fine for myself and my kids, but I’m also not interested in supporting or subsidizing another adult.

Honestly, the biggest barrier is probably if you live outside the city and are trying to date people who live in the city. Because most people don't want a long distance relationship, and leaving the city is often a big hassle.

But also, the way you talk about yourself and about dating and about other people is pretty off-putting.

The starving artist seems really passionate and attractive in our youth. Stability and reliability become more attractive as people get older. By 40, most people are ready to settle down and build a stable life, and they want a partner that that can work alongside them to build that life. If you are still starving as an artist in your 40s, it comes across as immature.

I probably wouldn’t date someone who lives outside the city, either. And unless you’re living in Paris or L.A, starving artist just sounds like irresponsible.

The off-putting part is that you’re assuming that we’re after money.. we aren’t. We’re all well into life and have our own! When the hell are guys going to realize that it’s PERSONALITY you lack and not the goddamn bank account.

Money is pretty important. At my age, I wouldn’t bother dating a starving artist. I have not worked this hard my entire life just to support someone else. (This does not apply to my child, of course!)

Starving artist with 2 teens and a dog? No friends? Depressing humor? Nope

What do you bring to the table? Focus on that or work on yourself first.

Ok please stop with this starving artist schtick. It's off-putting to non-creatives because it sounds immature, it probably means you aren't very good (I know I know it's not fair but that's how it comes across) and you'll be a financial disaster.

To those of us who do work in the creative industries it sounds condescending because there's a certain type out there who thinks it's wrong to make money from their art, it's a sort of 'holier than thou' almost self flagellation vibe. And it's annoying to those of us who are managing to run a business and make some money from our creativity and passions. It's like 80% hard work, 20% art truth be told, but it beats working in an office!

Even if you're joking that doesn't come across via text. Be positive, own it, talk passionately about your work/art and what you do, what you hope to do with it, what you dream of building. That shit is attractive AF.

I’m not going to feed another soul at this age. I’ve lived and read “If You Give a Mouse Cookie” one too many times I’ve learned my lesson.

Over 40 and you're a starving artist...what's your long term financial plan? Retirement? Are you going to stay poor in the name of your art? Who do you think that would appeal to?

It use to not be important, but after the millionth dude who couldn't handle that I made more than them I started to only date people that at least made around my same income.

It's a symptom of a larger red flag I should have seen.

2 seconds of viewing your profile : "I'm a starving artist" so you want me to pay to date you? Swipe left. I'm looking for husband material not playing Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.

Date other artists, librarians, teachers, etc.

And don’t fall into the trap of thinking that every single woman is insistent on dating a millionaire. It’s just not true.

Like pretty much anything else, for some women the amount their partner makes will be very important, and for others less so. 

I’m working towards making more money. But I can support myself. I make enough to pay my essentials and to go out a couple times a month, and a road trip every once and awhile. 

I’d want the same from a partner. He doesn’t need to make a lot, but enough that he can support himself and that if we were ever going to live together paying our bills each month wouldn’t be a major stressor. 

I don’t want to struggle financially. I do understand life happens, illness and injuries happen etc. But I don’t want our default mode to be struggle. 

Some men to have more of an air of wealth about them on their profiles, but you really can’t know. Maybe all that nice car and brand name clothes amount to are mountains and mountains of debt. 

I had no idea how much my boyfriend made based on his profile. But I liked his profile enough that I figured he was worth getting to know and it turns out we’re financially in a similar position so it worked out. 

In terms of what’s off putting on a profile - low effort. This includes no writing, or very little writing. All selfies and/or old photos. Other things that are off putting include a clear lack of hygiene, lots of photos that include alcohol, giving the camera the middle finger. 

If you’re interested in dating for the social aspect what about going to a speed dating event near you if there’s one available? 

Just lean into what makes you you..& eventually you will find your person. I can’t imagine an artist being very attractive to many women. You do get that sooo many women have everything they need except a partner…I 100% agree some money lead w money and I am sure they do well…but you know is that the match you even want?

Cheer up..get positive and refocus on showing all of what makes you special.

To me not much =) I own my own house and work the hours I want and if you can feed yourself and pay your rent it's fine. I'd prefer a home owner but I'm not going to discount anyone. Ultimately, I'd prefer to live alone apart anyway. If you can't afford to go out we can organise free activities. If you are literally starving, you could get a part time job that you don't find abhorrent that allows you to work on your art.

I make decent money for my area. I’ve had men make comments about me being high maintenance or they get insecure. I’m not interested in having to explain myself or making somebody feel better about themselves because the gender norm isn’t happening.

I suggest being authentic in your profile. You will get fewer matches but they’ll likely be more interested. Good quality photos and a well written bio is important because there are a lot more men on apps.

Funny that you are starving and somehow you made it sound like we are all gold diggers.

For the first time in my entire life I'm dating someone with substantial wealth and I gotta say......it's not what I was expecting and I didn't realize just how easy life can be. That being said, I had no clue he was this well off. When we met I thought he might have been in the low six figure range but I was waaaaay way off. Like way off. All this to say, experiencing life like this makes me realize just how important money is.

I went through a rough patch financially and was transparent about it when I spoke to women on dating apps. It astonished me the difference in how I was treated. I am doing quite well again and I do not tell women how much I make because I don’t want to be treated with financially-motivated friendliness.

It’s important, but not to extent most men think.

Do I need a mansion, expensive cars, and jewelry, new clothes Do I need expensive meals and only organic?

No, I don’t

Do I expect you to pay your bills and maintain a living that you can pay for?
Take me on a date every now and then. Perhaps buy me that , thinking of you trinket that cost like 3$ sometimes 🥰

I’m not shallow or materialistic but I like to be with a man that matches me from a socio-economic perspective. I’ve dated men who made less money than me and men who made more men than me. I’ve always found we didn’t have as much in common or that those men had different lifestyles than I do. So, yes, money is somewhat important.

Have money or be good looking.

As long as you can take care of yourself and don't ask to borrow money then it's all good

You are not a starving artist as per your updates. Starving artists that are over thirty have lost their charm of youth and are generally not very attractive. But that’s not you. Sounds like you cannot figure out why you are not popular w women and want to believe it’s because of money. How are you profile pics, bio etc. Could it just be that?

Just reads to me like you're broke. You say you're living paycheck to paycheck. How do you intend to date? Are you going to dip into the 10k in the bank? What happens when it runs out? Dating isn't cheap. I particularly don't care to sit outside for every date or stay at home, I'd like to go to diners, have drinks, do some weekend getaways, try new hobbies, etc. And I really don't care to have to pay for two for every single date.

No shade to you, but if a man/woman said they were a starving artist, then I'd dip out since I'm not a food bank.

I earn my own money - not fat stacks of it, but enough.

I’m more likely to swipe right on someone who looks like they share my lifestyle than someone with photos of high-end living (fast cars, hotel pools, expensive suits - shudder).

I don't ever plan on commingling a household or assets again so not very important.

Do we breathe air???

I have money, and it doesn't do anything for me. Not a thing. No one loves me for my BMW or my beach house.

When my money has attracted people, it's nothing but trouble. They just want to use me.

You are purposely denigrating your attractiveness. NO over 40 woman wants a man child. Stop pretending to be one. Make a decent profile. Go out, meet people.

Money is important, but it’s more about stability than the money.

Paramount. Next question

Money is important to everyone, point blank. It allows us to live, do things we want to do, and maybe someday to retire. 

I make my own money. I don’t care what you make as long as you can pay your own way. I do care if you have a terrible attitude of “I have no worth and no one wants me” because if you don’t see your own value then how can anyone else? I am not a therapist. I do not want to fix you.

I would however be happy to date an interesting, eclectic, artsy guy who knew where to find fun and quirky free things to do. The art world is filled with those sorts of opportunities and dates will love that, if you bring your full awesome self to the table and have things of interest to talk about and do.

There are plenty of off putting things. Your question re: money. This depends. Are you able to support yourself at least?

I would love to be involved with an artist--I really value creativity and I want a partnership where we can inspire each other in all kinds of ways. I also have my own money and don't need anyone to provide for me.

What is off-putting is someone who equates having money with having value as a partner, or someone with an attitude of having given up. Go forward and be yourself.

I dated an amazing and energetic man. When he moved in to my house, he quit his job and watched TV.

All. The. Time.

Fuck that shit.

I was married to a 'starving artist' and got pretty damned tired of starving. Bills were unpaid, utilities disconnected you name it. He quit every job he had for one complaint or another...he just wanted to make his art. The 'art' cost more in supplies than it ever brought in. He had to attend fancy art school to get a useless degree which took him away from his kids 16 hours a day 6 days a week. He got fired in 2018 and hasn't worked since. His gf pays all the bills including my child support.

Women need reliable men. If the man is not reliable we curb them and do it ourself.

I’m 49/Asian. It’s hard for me to pay for myself, bills and mortgage. Sometimes I helped my adult kids with some funds here and there. I don’t mind going Dutch in a date, but I want someone who’s compatible. Not just financial, but background, education, career, etc. I don’t expect the guy to pay my way, and surely I wouldn’t pay his.

I worked very hard to be where I am now and still fighting for as long as I could. To date someone who’s less desirable, hmmmm…..better not. I’m not settling or lowering my standards. I’m not an arrogant woman, but just stating the fact. Life isn’t easy for a widow and the older I am, it’s not getting any simpler.

People said money isn’t everything, but it sure makes life easier.

I wish you luck, hopefully you could find a woman who’ll be ok with your lifestyle.

The most important thing in the world to me is honesty, loyalty, and faithfulness. Stuff that money cannot purchase. most of the time it seems that it’s harder to get those three things out of someone that has a lot of money I know from experience. It’s the little things that count the most.

Women do not want money when dating. They just want a good person. If you stick around here, women complain about how men treat them- arguments, ignoring them, cheating on them and not "All the guys I match with barely make $100k, I think I'm going to die alone" or "I was dating a 45M for the past several weeks and I finally agreed to let him pick me up for dinner. But he showed up in a 2020 Mercedes- ugh. Is it too much to ask to be driven to dinner in a Rolls Royce?" I don't think anybody here has claimed getting a Coach vs. a Hermès handbag is a clear red flag.

I don’t think it’s that you don’t have flashy $. It’s the idea that you think women will find it noteworthy. It’s all in the attitude.

$s only become a red flag if you present it in intros (written, photographically, or in attitude, dressing, grooming, or manners) If a man either says “I’m loaded” or “I’m broke” within the first few dates I’m put off by his thinking that I care.

Not until much later in the relationship am I considering if we’re financially well suited. And by that time, you won’t have to tell me- I’ll know.

I'm in an area that's in between a huge "money" metro & a more humble region. I tend to like the more humble ones that are doing okay for themselves and aren't flashy. Super showy people turn me off.

For me, money is whatever. I'm the type if you give queen treatment. I give you the same, but king, of course. I like to chip in or take turns treating my partner.

What I'm saying the long way is no matter if you have $10 and I have $6 we freely spend what is comfortable and have an enjoyable night.

For me, money is not important. As long as the bills are paid and I have enough to provide for my kids, that's all I really care about. And it's not something that is a factor when I look at a guy - as long as he's at least the same as me, that's totally fine.

I think one reason male profiles where they appear to have money are important to some wome is because I think we don't like asking about money and how much a guy has, lest we look like gold diggers or judgemental. But if you can see that a guy has expensive hobbies, toys etc, you assume he has some money. But you know. You might have a fancy car and a boat and be drowning in debt. Or have it all and be an absolute prick.

Be yourself and those that mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind.

Money isn’t something I factor in besides wanting someone who supports themselves and makes responsible financial decisions with what he has.

But, you said you don’t “look like money.” My head turns more for guys dressed casually than super dressed up, but casual still means clean, well-kept clothes. If a guy is putting off a vibe that laundry detergent isn’t in his budget or that he doesn’t mind a huge hole in his shirt, I’ll pass.

I personally prefer to be with a man who is good at making money as I suck at it.

Saying this, I have married a man in the past and was breadwinner of the relationship. 

He was very loving and romantic and maximum efforts everyday and pull his weight at home, take care of all the chores, always have dinner waiting for me etc. He built a very loving home for me. So if such a gem exist, money wouldn't matter. 

My marriage started disintegrating when he decided he wanted to start to work. And his income went up because he start getting women hitting on him and temptation got the better of him. 

I don’t need a guy to pay my way, but I do need a guy to pay his way and to keep up . I worked hard to be where I am and unless you have really impressive job that doesn’t bring money but does serve higher purpose in some way…$$$ is important to me.

I make six figures and want a partner who makes at least as much as me. If I’m going to make room for a partner in my life, I want us to live our very best DINK lives. I don’t want to struggle financially with a man at this age or help someone “build” and I’m certainly not interested in being the breadwinner. Anyone that seems like they might not be together financially is a no go. I enjoy being single so a man needs to be a bonus in my life.

Def would not want to support a guy from jump, or ever if possible. However Life happens and one may have to support a partner spouse, which is fine. I would prefer a balance in earnings, or something close to it.

For my GF, she just wants a guy who isn't going to be a financial burden. She has her shit together, and I take care of two kids and an Albatross (ex-wife).

I make more money, but I pay for most of the dates.

Is it about being an artist in a rural area, or is it about not having financial literacy or decent money management skills? I personally am way too old for the latter two.

I’m an artist. I date other artists I meet on OLD. You should try the same.

I have a friend that is an artist. His GF dumped him 50 years ago because she wanted him to get a job with a salary. He continues to be an artist and gas been married for 35 years. He’s the nicest man you could meet.

In other words, you won’t match with the majority of people, just like most profiles. Keep at it.

In the world of dating I’m looking for someone who has a similar amount of disposable income to me and/or similar views on what they enjoy spending on.

Can they afford to split a weekend getaway with me on occasion? Do we vacation similarly and can split it? What do they prefer to splurge on and what do they prefer to save on and are our interests aligned in a sustainable way to enjoy life together?

Men will have a better idea of if women want money than an individual woman. I’ve dated loads of women. 95% expect you to pay… and want to be taken care of. I’m fine with that, it’s the way of the world. I’m not fine with women denying this… the 5% that are willing to be financially independent are usual the best people to have relationships with, not just because of the financial situation… but because they seem to be critical thinkers, more balanced… and equality in a relationship is a great foundation

There's women who don't care about you being broke.

It doesn't sound like you're interested in those women.

Better to target men for this question. First online dating is already being discovered as being ineffective for men looking for relationships. If you're a top-tier looking man, then it's good for hookups, otherwise not a great place. Better off using paid apps because at least women are financially invested just a bit.

Your finances are above average without knowing retirement savings. Just be ready to meet many women with young kids, and that will bring baggage and complications and cost into your life. If you had kids, then you know.

If a woman is single with no kids at our age, then it's possible she is heavily invested in her career and will make more money than you. Very common for women to only date at their level or above from a financial standpoint. Many will say as long as you can take care of yourself then it's not a problem, but it's not that simple. For example, let's say you want to go on vacation to Hawaii. You are willing to pay for your half of the vacation. However, her idea of Hawaii may be 5 5-star beachfront all-inclusive resort, and yours might be a 3-star, with a kitchenette and a short walk to the beach. She'll either end up paying more than you to stay at the 5-star resort, or "settle" for the 3-star resort you both can afford. Either way she'll resent you as many women have complained about not "carrying" a man financially.

Turn offs for me are not looking after themselves, not exercising and being very overweight. Not smelling good.

Money is very important! I’m 56 & have a solid retirement built up. I really hope to meet a guy with a 401K or at least a retirement plan. So many people my age haven’t saved much. I don’t want to support my partner. I want one that can support himself. And this isn’t easy to find!

Money becomes more important the older you get. The US is not a safe place to be rlderly and poor, I have a healthy retirement fund. It will not be healthy if it is split two ways. I want someone who had been planning for the future as I have.

I'm a starving artist, but I don't put this on my profile. I suppose the common wisdom would be to lead with your strengths. A potential problem could be that "starving" suggests "unsuccessful artist." Which artists know isn't true, but ... most people don't know enough about the arts to judge that.

For me, only in as much that they can functionally take care of themselves. I have turned down guys making over 6 figures. I have turned down guys at poverty level. I have dated people on both ends of the spectrum and in between.

I only care that they can sustain themselves, are not looking for someone to supplement their income (and yes, this is as much a thing for women as it is men), and then other preferences. But money is not something I worry about personally since I have made my way just fine without anyone, so a man's money is his business, and even way back in the day, I never did joint accounts when I was young, dumb, and married for this reason.

I will say that if there is a huge difference in financial status, however, there can and most likely will be issues, ranging from them not being able to match your energy because they're too busy surviving or being stressed about finances, they may use you for financial stability (not always monetarilty, sometimes knowledge is enough), they may even resent you. I tend to only have problems with financially less secure men rather then their opposite, but that's been my experience. YMMV

Could it be more a "down to earth" vs. a "stylish" thing? I do well, but am nothing close to stylish, and I really don't care if she is. I wouldn't expect to be the type for a woman who wears the latest designer clothes.

I make a lot of money. And you’d never know it to look at me (except for a stupid expensive purse but even that is a brand that plenty of not rich people have). I care to the extent I’d be expected to carry another person. Otherwise, you take care of you and I’ll take care of me. If I want to do something like a trip that’s not in your budget I’d probably book your ticket with my miles and we could figure out cost split. Like would a charming billionaire who loved my kids like his own be great? Sure! But I’ll just keep buying my lottery tickets.

Doesn’t really matter to me. Do very well on my own.

I work a good job that pays a decent wage but I live alone and that means I live paycheck to paycheck. A man who could help pay the bills in a cohabitation would be great but I clearly understand the struggle so I don’t know why others would judge for that. I don’t expect fancy dinners and truthfully I just want someone else who’s a homebody anyway but maybe I’m an outlier.

You should be able to support yourself and pay your bills. At this age, you should have a legit and valid retirement plan. It’s about being compatible and a match in most ways.

I can support myself, I’m not looking for someone I would have to support or who would have to support me

I tend to prefer people who are about where I am with income. I've had some negative experiences when I make significantly more than my romantic partner. It gets all tangled up in issues about being a provider, being needed, etc. but I've also watched enough men become controlling when they make significantly more, especially in my family, that I'm uncomfortable with the idea of making too much less than my partner.

That said, I will also admit it all tends to be more important to the men I've been with than it has been to me. I feel like there are so many other ways to enrich my life. Like does he bring me peace and comfort?

As long as the guy isn't a freeloader--in that he contributes nothing, financial or otherwise--lower income wouldn't be a dealbreaker to me.

No the other male profiles do not suggest financial gain to me....most just suggest nose hair. Why don't you have your profile reviewed on one if those subreddits?

Are there women who only want to date someone who can financially provide for them? Sure. Are there guys who want to only date a woman who will provide for them? Also yes. And people from both genders who have unrealistic expectations for a partner’s looks (they want instagram models in the real world).

And most of the people who want these things are single because people who only want these things are shallow and tend not to have long relationships. They are also actively looking for partners because they need someone to take care of them. So yes, you will see them on a lot of dating sites.

Meanwhile the people who want to have relationships but aren’t instagram models or rich or who just don’t like the feeling of apps because they need to know someone first before wanting to date them…they aren’t on the apps because the apps burn them out. The way you feel right now.

If the apps are making you feel bad take a break from them. You are an artist, do you have any friends who are also artists? Join a group online or in person of other artists or creative people. Volunteer to help paint sets for community theater or some other activity where you can socialize with other creative people that isn’t about dating or finding someone. Just about connecting with people. If you meet someone great, but even if you don’t you will feel better making friends and getting out of the house. And once you feel more secure you can jump onto apps again (or maybe you meet someone while you are volunteering or through one of your friends).

I’m attractive. I have my own money. And a lot of it. And recently dated a man with none. And I truly didn’t care at all. Truly. He was adorable. I would much rather be with someone who is a great friend and lover. Can’t have everything. Having my own money gives me so much freedom and power in dating.

As the saying goes, “It’s not IF you become disabled, it’s When…” Too many of y’all are not prepared. It can financially destroy the most prepared among us.

You are in a really great financial position and a lot better than the majority of men who have hmu.

I look at it the other way. Are these men in MY league? My divorce lawyer warned, do not connect yourself with any partner who has less than you, in a financial sense. These words have made me cautious in the dating world. I do not have men pick me up at my home, I do not talk about money/investments/being mortgage free/etc.

I also dress well but have no flashy bags or jewelry. My indulgences are great watches and shoes. 😊

I know they say it's about what's inside but I've had the occasion to come across a few hobosexuals.

I have my own money. I don't need some man's money. As long as you can pay your bills and support yourself, I don't care about your finances.

If your attirude is this negative on your profiles or when talking with women, I'd say it's most likely that and not at all about your finances.

I don’t see money being the issue. If you can handle your own, that’s fantastic. I sense a defeat that could come across as low confidence. That’d be more of a factor to me than your income. Being an artist makes you so interesting. Why not lead with that (dropping the starving part)?

I'm going to be in a similar boat once I start dating (wife has made more money for the last few years, with me making career choices based on stability and benefits to offset her higher earning, but lower benefits and stability jobs).

I think you're fine, though. You're not rich, but you own your home (more than I can say) and can take care of yourself. Most of the comments here sound fine with that.

Not important

Dating is tough Try not to make it about yourself and instead just think that you just still haven’t found the right match yet That’s what I’m trying to do anyway 43f instead of making myself crazy trying to figure out if I gave them the ick or what happened

As a 40s man with no debt two houses two cars a income over 200k an no small amount of money in the bank I can tell you while you are certainly not broke being established brings a different set of problems in terms of qualified dating partners.

What kind of women are you trying to match with? I’m post divorced, still getting my life back together, but I was realistic with who I’d match with. I also made my profile very unique and showed the real me (I’m also an artist, but in Sweden maybe making a more livable wage). My point is I would never even match with a woman that was living way beyond my means. And if they matched with me, I would be suspicious if they were just wanting to “slum it” with the tattooed artsy dude instead of being genuinely interested in me. You don’t need to talk about finances even, just be realistic with who you pursue, be in the same league, or at least have common interests.

I don't care about money for its own sake or for status, but as a broad reflection of life skills.

If you're always broke, then are you taking care of your own life in a meaningful way?

If you've had the same entry-level job for 10 years and never used your degree, is there going to be some insurmountable perspective mismatch between us?

I don’t care about money as long as you are capable of self supporting.

Just curious what you mean by saying you don't "look" money?

Do you keep yourself well groomed and wear clothes that are clean, appropriate to the occasion and in good condition? Teeth fixed, nice hair cut, clean feet?

No one wants to date a person who looks like they sleep under a bridge.

Not a woman, but like... guy. My guy. You are half-assing it, and I'm rounding up to get to half-ass.

Let me ask you something. You ever have to work with a colleague on something, and you can just tell they are phoning it in? Like, they don't give the slightest shit about it, and that means you get stuck doing most of the actual work?

That guy is you, OP. You practically announced it.

Add to that the thinly veiled misogyny and a big dollop of "boasting about irrelevant shit while also making derogatory assumptions right out of the gate", and it's no fucking wonder you can't get dates. Being a mopey sadsack and patronizing and and being broke is essentially a billboard with big blinky neon arrows and a loudspeaker screaming "I EXPECT A WOMAN TO MATERIALIZE IN MY LIVING ROOM WITHOUT ANY EFFORT ON MY PART, AND SHE WILL HAVE TO DO ALL THE EMOTIONAL LABOR AND ALSO PAY FOR EVERYTHING WHILE I DO NOTHING BUT GROUSE AND MOAN".

Be honest, man. Would you want to date someone who puts in zero effort, has zero motivation, expects you to plan everything and pay for everything, and talks down to you?

No?

Then you gotta do the work, man. You want better dates?

Many women love starving artists. Sensitivity. Passion. Romance.

My ex-wife is dating a broke photographer. He likes folk music.

Lots and lots of women 40+ have their own money and don’t care about a man’s money.

My ex-girlfriend came from a mega, mega rich family in South America (which I thought was cool). All her relatives made sick money and/or had high ranking government jobs. Like cabinet members. No amount of money I earned would impress her or make a difference.

I personally make six figures and don’t particularly care about money. I care that the guy I’m dating is respectful of me, cooperative about mutually agreeing to time for one another, takes me out (but not necessarily for expensive outings..could enjoy a nice long walk in the park and any number of other low budget activities together). As long as the guy in question is self sufficient and isn’t going to be threatened by my income, but the latter is an issue I’ve run into :/ Ironically before when I was working as a registered nurse, I had more than one partner who looked down on me for not making enough $$

Also you’re not alone re the student loan debt. I’m going to be buying my parents house from my mother (my dad passed away last year and we came to a mutual agreement on this as the market is wild)…I think you sound like you’re doing pretty well.

Re off putting things as you don’t seem to be in a problematic financial situation…that’s a large category. More like unseemly behavior, over forward men. Poor listening skills. Not sure where your struggle is. I think dating is just tough even for great candidates these days.

I read a lot of your replies.

Even as a man who is single and going through dating (read: someone who is predisposed to be sympathetic to your position), you come off as varying degrees of jaded, pretentious, obnoxious, and sexist.

None of those are attractive qualities. None of these are related to money.

Go out on some hobbies and socializing where women into the same sort of thing may go to. And take a closer look at how you present your own dating profile. A sens of wit, good personality, and just being a responsible adult goes a long way!!

If you are a starving artist in your 40s it says a lot about you. It's not the money that is that important. It's what the fact that you are able to obtain money says about you: that you are driven, confident, aggressive. Think about what being a starving artist in your 40s says about you and why you think that is attractive to a woman?

I like money, but that’s why I work. I’m definitely not trying to pay another adult’s bills.

A few years ago I met a really nice guy but he disclosed that he had 0 savings and his retirement plan was to live in a bus and work until he was unable to work anymore. I’m not well off by any means but I have a small pension and a small 401K; if he had the same maybe we could have made it but I don’t have enough to carry him too.

Women will claim that money is not important but from my experience most women do care about how much you make and want their partner to make more than them. If a woman cares about how much you make she is looking to be taken care of and is not worth your time.

As a guy money is extremely important as I need a partner than can keep up with me but I also do not want to waste their time or mine so I am very upfront early on about what I enjoy including extensive travel and experiences, wine, dining etc. I worked way too hard to be successful to not do what I enjoy or allow someone’s lack of resources act as a hinderance to it.

If someone is just after what you have and can provide for them, that should be a red flag. I do not look for a man that can provide for me, I look one that can enhance my life with the little things, like laughter for instance.

Men don’t want a financial burden. I do very well for myself and in my experience they can also be a little insecure when you make more than them.

Original copy of post by u/foxease:

I've pretty much given up on dating. There's clearly something about me that is not desirable...

I think the fact that I live a little ways out from the city is a big part... And likely the other is being a starving artist. I don't think I look "money" at all. And my assumption is that all the other male profiles suggest they have some financial gain. In some way?

I would like to socialize at the very least; I desire this concept of "dating". But there seems to be no interest whatsoever. And admittedly I'm off all apps accept FB dating because paying didn't seem to do anything. But maybe I need to give it another go?

If I get a match, I literally assume it's a mistake at this point. And it is. Because they don't reply back.

I guess what I am asking... What is off putting to you?

I just want to know if I should throw in the towel?

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You just need to meet more people. Having little money is a dealbreaker for many women but certainly not all. Put the math in your favor. If you do apps, do not use the term starving artist. Tbh, and imo, it screams I want YOUR money. Leave it out. Have you tried speed dating? You might have better luck if you get to show your personality.

I’m late to this party and OP you may no longer be checking comments, but just from what I see here and in the comments, the term “starving artist” is actually really inaccurate. You own your own home and have a paid off car and raised two kids. Starving artists live as squatters in lofts or barns and bum rides, they don’t have 500k in equity in a home. Who cares about all you can drink resorts? I want someone who knows how to follow a budget and get their bills paid, and if you haven’t been foreclosed on, you can do that.

However the edits to your post are bullshit and reveal a shitty attitude. Yes I want someone to become family, yes when you’re in a relationship that person eventually becomes family. But this is family I can choose, and I’m not going to voluntary choose someone that I have to financially support, period, full stop.