Hey Everyone—I am a sober F47 y/o who has never been married and is looking for love. Because I don’t drink, I find the whole bar scene offputting. Any suggestions from the group about how I might find other ways to bump into fellow singles?! No sports or gym, please!
So yeah Ive been in all those except knitting, and they were all women no men. I even tried dance and the single men leads were gay or partnered wife at home. I seriously cannot find the single men over 40 outside apps.
Yeah, I'm having the same issue. I feel like my 40s are a cursed and online dating is a hell-scape. I'm close to giving up honestly.
Adult rec sports
So I need to learn basketball now ha.. the pickleball men are 20 plus years my senior 😆
My weekly dance lessons are full of single men, and very little drinking is done. I would imagine it would vary by location. I live in a large city, and the class I attend usually sees more than 120 people each week.
Oh? Sounds like ONE single straight dude in these settings may have great odds??? 🤔
If I were to go to these "groups" the next post about this would say "I've tried all these and it was all women,a couple of gay guys,and one really nice,but average looking, and kinda weird dude? 😂🤣😂🤣
Definitely
My experience is that single men are doing fitness endeavors (Cycling, lifting, climbing, intense hiking) or board games. My experience is they are not kniting or dancing. Yes, you may find some, but those just aren't the interests of the majority of single men (again, my experience).
I want to add volunteering to your list.
Art and culture events, as well. The symphony, plays, art galleries, museums. Linger and mingle.
That’s where men would go to find women. Not so sure about the other way around.
I’m a woman. That’s where I go because I enjoy those spaces.
i need a local baking group but i cant find any in LOS ANGELES!!!!
This would be my approach. However, I've heard from critics to say not to do this because people just want to enjoy their hobbies without being bothered and harassed (apparently, this goes for both women and men). I've met couples who met through hobbies who've encouraged others to do this. There's really now way to know if people are interested unless you just ask them. Be respectful. If they turn you down, then don't pursue further, and make running into each other in the future that less awkward.
I've heard from critics to say not to do this because people just want to enjoy their hobbies without being bothered and harassed
Yes, but...
It's a matter of focus.
If you're using the group as a pick-up joint and don't really give a damn about the hobby (since its only meaning to you is to serve as a way to meet potential dates) then, yes, that's going to rub people the wrong way, unless it's explicitly a "singles group" and everyone is there primarily to meet potential dates.
On the other hand, if it's an activity you actually enjoy and that's the reason you're there, and you meet single members of the opposite sex through doing this activity you both enjoy, and that shared enjoyment develops into something more, then that generally isn't going to be an issue.
"I'm here to pick up chicks" is not the same, and doesn't feel the same, as "I'm here to [do activity] and, if I meet someone I click with, that's great, but, if I don't, then that's great too, because I still [did activity]."
For context, I got into social partner dancing (originally ballroom, these days I'm mostly into tango, and I've also done swing and a little salsa along the way) when I was 19 and have continued with it throughout my entire adult life. The large majority of my relationships have been with women I met through dancing, but they were all women who I had gotten to know over the course of some months, or even years, before one of us attempted to move from dancing to dating. Nobody has ever felt that I bothered or harassed them, or prevented them from enjoying their dancing, because I clearly love the actual dancing and because I'm not constantly hitting on my dance partners.
On the other hand, if it's an activity you actually enjoy and that's the reason you're there, and you meet single members of the opposite sex through doing this activity you both enjoy, and that shared enjoyment develops into something more, then that generally isn't going to be an issue.
That would be my take as well. However, some those critics I mentioned made it explicit to never even do this. Truly, just leave them alone
Volunteering in your community?
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Nah. Depends on the agency or organization. I volunteer in my community for a local nonprofit and run into other single folks alllllll the time. OP wants to “bump into fellow singles.” Volunteering is a great way to get involved, give back and meet people who hold similar values and interests.
Volunteer places are ideal to meet people.So many single people volunteer.I have met tons of my friends that are single and guys.I've dated through volunteer work.
Yup. Lots of single volunteers of all age groups at races, art fairs and the public library. I can say from personal experience.
That will depend a lot on your community and the causes you volunteer for. Definitely not all the same so far as meeting people goes.
The soup kitchen near me is full of lovely people who volunteer as is the food pantry
"Volunteering" is a nice, socially acceptable answer.
When I volunteered at food bank it was all women and they were all married except for me. 🤔
I’m single, and I’m an active volunteer. I have a few friends in the same position.
I found the opposite organizations near me full of singles
Lots of singles when I volunteer for Habitat for Humanity
Yeah she should consider us
Those of us who prefer the never married, non drinking types, I mean.
Is the "never married" part off-putting? Honestly. I thought (feared) it was, I just don't understand why...though I'm sure it's also eye of the beholder or whatever.
For those wondering about me, I’m not socially inept by any means! I am plus size, which I’ve learned over time, is an acquired taste. But, I am beautiful, highly educated, and intelligent. I’d say by those standards, I’m not seriously flawed. I’ve just never found the right man I have connected with on all three levels—intellectually, physically, and emotionally.
I don't think it is off-putting at all
I've never known a man to say he minds that a woman hasn't been married. I have known women to say they're concerned that a man hasn't been married, either because they wonder what's wrong with him that no other woman ever accepted his proposal, or they fear he might be a player type who will never settle down with anyone. But it doesn't seem like men worry about those things in reverse.
I think I depends on the person. Never married or no long term relationships by our age could mean the person has major flaws or it could mean the person never met the right partner, or it could mean the person focused on other things earlier in their life.
The 2 guys I tried dating who never got married neither one had a relationship last more than a year they bit had serious issues sadly
I’ve met women here. One on this sub actually. Sorry I canceled that date, she moved in and I felt you were too good for me. In case you look at my profile. Actually I think it was my city’s sub.
2 things. 1) meetup groups 2) go to hear local live music bands which may be at a bar but go for the music.
I’m having luck with speed dating. The participants seem really sincere.
Are you in a large city? I’m in a small city and we have nothing like that.
I am in a huge city but how about making your way to your nearest big city?
- volunteering
- a large church with an adult single ministry
- local Facebook groups for older singles
- meetup interest groups
- work
- get-togethers with friends.
- Dating apps (Bumble and Hinge are the best)
- co-ed volleyball & softball leagues
I bumped into one right outside my door and scooped her up!
You never know where they be
OP abandoned this thread. About to be locked soon I bet.
?
Bars are garbage places to meet people.
Take up a hobby. Gardening, hiking, learning a new language, doesn't matter. You'll inevitably meet other people who are into that hobby- hey look, a common interest you can parlay into conversation!
I don’t drink either. Where I live, bars are one of few Remaining public places where groups can meet for free/cheap. So I will go to a meet up or an event at a bar and just take a soda. It doesn’t sound like that something for you, but in my part of the country that’s the only place left.
I have thought about doing this but it really isn’t fun being around drunk people when you aren’t drinking.
I think we're going to different type of events...
As a woman in her mid-forties, I don't see people getting drunk at these events like they did in their 20s. Everyone gets 1-2 drinks and sips throughout the night.
Oh man I wish that was the case. Hell, I can’t even attend a work event for my corporate office without people getting shit faced.
Now that I don’t drink (can’t because of medication), my eyes have really opened to how much social life revolves around it.
I went to an event a couple weeks ago at a freaking art museum with my teenage daughter and people were getting sloppy. I just do not get it.
Yikes! Corporate events, museums…. Wowzer.
I’m sorry, this is surreal for me. I can only emphasize.
Perhaps there are Facebook groups or meetups for sober people? Or I’m hearing of cities where they are now opening up, Mocktail bars, which are bars that don’t serve any alcohol whatsoever.
Best of luck
Home Depot has been doing a great job of meeting people
Peace Corp
Supper Clubs
What? Lol.
Blockbuster
Lol
Political campaigns. At least you get to choose which side of THAT fence he’s on.
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2mo
Have you tried talking to the people you meet in day to day life?
Plan B: Move to Alaska as a single woman.
Plan C: Go on Reddit and announce DMs are open. This might be farther down the list.
Or: go to Reddit, ask about advice on how to safely do casual hookups. Not even announcing that my DMs are open. 😂
🤣🤣
Why I won't move to Alaska. Single women are rare. I always get recruited to go up there!
You'd be the Belle of the Ball.
Does that mean your DMs are open?
I'm a male. And no my DM's aren't open.
I'm just not relocating to freezing cold with no women.
I totally thought "recruited" had a different meaning. You're probably talking about work.
Speed dating
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Pickle Ball
Croquet 🙂
Social hobbies.
Join MeetUp. You can choose various hobbies that you do or our interested in and it will show you events going on in your area. This is a great way to meet like-minded people including singles.
I hear this alllll the time. The only thing in my city not specifically geared toward the elderly is line dancing and this weird ass cult group. Nobody seems to believe me, but sadly it’s true.
I’ve also done classes and game nights through community ed. It was all single women with friends or couples. I hate sports and don’t do religion. Looked into art classes here but the cost is sky high and out of my price range.
I reached out to different places about volunteering. Many never got back to me at all. The ones who did either wanted a time commitment that I could not give as a single parent working full time, or they needed people during my work hours.
I’ve sat at the library and coffee shops…all the stuff people list off. I’m very outgoing and talk to people easily. People are just different now and I cannot explain it. I can’t imagine how hard this would be for a shy person or someone in a rural area when it’s so hard in my small city.
Meetup groups geared toward the elderly? Are we talking about the same “meetup” groups? Or you live in a large retirement community? I’m sorry that’s all that is available in your area.
Yeah the Meetup app. I have a “spiritual movement” cult as an option. There is also line dancing. Beyond that there are three other groups that are friendship type groups that post photos and everyone is clearly retirement age. They do things like bingo at the VFW.
Reddit seems shocked that not everyone has salsa dancing or french classes or astronomy hikes or what the hell ever some places have. If I were to drive two hours to the nearest large city the options would be completely different, but unfortunately that isn’t feasible.
So I just keep looking and hoping I find something.
I hear you, living in a town of under 10k. In the closest city to me (30 min to an hour away depending on the suburb) there are Meetups but I have the issue of children at home certain nights, so only have short windows of child and work free time. Many groups happen on my parenting nights. The MUs I've been to have been 80-90pc women. I've made one guy friend from it, that's it.
Yes, for me it’s an hour and a half to two hours one way depending on traffic. I don’t even get home till about 5:30.
Then there is the fact that if I drove that far the people in the city already have tons of options of people that actually live near them. People act like it’s the end of the world to have to drive any distance at all. I’ve was in a long distance relationship for three out of five years so I was very used to it, but it’s tough. People are broke and worn out, so I get it.
I think people assume we’re making excuses when we say we don’t have these options, but that is not the case. I have spent so many hours looking and looking for stuff. Before Covid and right before moved here this area had so much more stuff to do. Things slowed down with Covid and never recovered. It’s a bummer.
For romantic pursuits, speed dating events or singles mixers. The downside is they tend to be at restaurant-bars, and a lot of the participants get drinks.
You can try meetups, but people attend those primarily to pursue their interests or hobbies.
speed dating and singles mixers are 70% women
As a single man attending speed dating events and mixers in NYC, I wish this was true. Nearly every event I have attended, one or two women are no-shows. In addition, one or two women leave right before the event begins or about 10-15 minutes into the event.
The roster may show an even number of men and women, such as 10 men and 10 women. I've been to ones where there were 15 men and 15 women on the roster. But by the time the events begin there are about 2-4 women not present.
As a guy that runs a meetup group and has tried to run a speeddating event I can attest. People look at who RSVPd and no show or they come and bail (one lady was shocked that she got no matches after she sat on the phone all night only talking to two men, she claimed she was nervous but she came off as extremely rude). So short of hiding everyone’s profile that RSVPd (considered that) and locking everyone in, fire marshall be damned (kidding) I am struggling with having 2 to 1 men to women ratio
Why not the gym ? So many singles there. Pickleball is a good way to meet other singles.
You can trudge off to the apps like the rest of us 🤣
Meetup parks and through friends
My local pub has events that are pretty social. They’ll have music, lit nights, trivia, etc.
But nowhere is it required that you have alcohol. You can go and have a snack and get something non-alcoholic.
At your local place of worship!
I think this is a solution, but not a direct one. If you expand your social circle there, you'll likely meet up at gatherings and be introduced to people with similar values. My Oma was always trying to set me up with someone from her church, even though I'm agnostic.
Why the downvotes? I'm not religious but I see how people can meet other singles in church groups.
I would regard your suggestion as a longshot, but I really don't know why it's being down-voted.
My suggestion is for the OP, not those that are intolerant and obviously triggered. And who said a place of worship had to be religious based. Pfft!
Church.
Ch__ch. What’s missing? U R
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2mo
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Bars with live music and a dance floor. You don't need to drink to socialize and dance. It's honestly been the most successful area in meeting women for me, and I've met plenty of women who don't drink at these places.
There's a few places in my area where the older crowd congregate to and I follow them around depending on the bands that play. Jazz, rock, country, r&b, funk, and Spanish music for some salsa and bachata always packed the place up. My cousin goes with me and she doesn't drink but loves to dance. She usually has about 15 different men asking her to dance a night. If you enjoy dancing then that's my suggestion.
Music venues? Community gatherings? The park? Yoga class? Find a movie club or book club? Maybe see if there are any TTRPG groups if that’s your thing? Coffee shops? Enroll in an elective program at a community college?
Other than music venues which I haven’t explored I have explored all of these even during COVID and didn’t meet a single man through them. A survey of my local coffee shops this morning revealed plenty of single women on laptops etc and not one single male, they were only in couples. Yoga, community, volunteering and community colleges are either 100% female or any males are typically retired.
Something I have not seen mentioned is trivia. These events are generally at bars / restaurant with bar but in the groups I’ve played with no one is drinking to excess. I’ve made a couple friends.
Get-togethers and parties - but I’m open with my friends about wanting to date so they make sure to invite other single people.
Book clubs? Not sure if you're into board games, but lots of people (not always romantically, lol) there. I guess my point is, where people gather, there will likely be a few men too.
Isn’t waiting outside of bars the best way to meet drunk women ?
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Tantra Speed Dating, so fun
Hello my lovely... its very hard dating later in life... how about online dating?? How do you feel about that?? Xx is there any local clubs you could join?? Might be another way of meeting someone... especially if it involves an activity you enjoy doing as might give you an instant connection xx 😘
Thanks for the sweet note dobbsy79! Online dating is terrible and I’m trying to set my sights on the real world right now! And, it is difficult, as you say!
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Meetup groups and 5k races.
If you decide you want to approach guys.... Literally everywhere.
Running is a sport.
True, but you don't have to run, most have a mile walk, or just hang out at the finish and just ask "how did you do?"
lol I'm doing this next time. Fuck paying $30 and destroying my body. Red Lining. Feeling the Lactic Acid.
This idea sounds better but I'm not paying
Why no sports or gym? You are unlikely to meet single men at anything not sports related and also if you don’t drink/go to bars.
She may not like sports or gyms. I know I don't.
I'm a single man and I don't like sports or gyms, either. "Something sports-related" is pretty much the last place you'd ever find me.
Seriously? I have never dated a man that was into sports or the gym. You do realize that there are men into other things?
I don’t know where you met them but outside of OLD and meet-up groups, these are the most likely places you’d meet them since you won’t find them at book clubs, classes of any kind, volunteering etc. I don’t know anyone health conscious who isn’t into sports or a gym member. My colleagues are 90% male and every single one of them does some kind of sport or gym even if it is on weekend.
I always recommend the gym and exercise classes as place to meet singles.
Do people talk at gym? I’ve never had a man make eye contact with me when I’m at gym. I’m not ugly and try to look approachable wherever I go.
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2mo
Yeah. Maybe I just need to say Hi and get in their face 😂
All the time. The key is to the go around the same time same days of the week or take the same classes. I talk to men and women and they talk to me. Over the years, I have learned to make a conscious effort to make eye contact, do the nods and keep my headphones off so I seem approachable. Before and after a group class is the ideal time to chitchat.
Ahh yes I am wearing my headphones.
I haven't met anyone in 7 years of going to group fitness classes.
Aren’t there apps for that?
There are a couple sober dating apps but there aren’t many people on them.
Just apps.
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2mo
Phhht
I used Hemsworth’s pics and got NUTHIN’
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2mo
When I was on the apps I played a lot with my profile, different pics, bio changes, etc, to see what would work and it worked out pretty well. Though it makes me wonder if geography has a lot to do with it - eg, my profile works where I am at but maybe not elsewhere.
Fuck the apps!
I think you’re using them wrong if you’re trying to do that.
Hit up old flames on FB. Haha. Really though, as long as you're leaving your house and trying to be social, I think it's just by chance to find the good ones.
Original copy of post by u/Zestyclose-Crazy-795:
Hey Everyone—I am a sober F47 y/o who has never been married and is looking for love. Because I don’t drink, I find the whole bar scene offputting. Any suggestions from the group about how I might find other ways to bump into fellow singles?! No sports or gym, please!
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Where are you located?
Try Church or Meet Up. Focus on your interests and the rest will fall in line.
Find groups in your town that get together and do things you are interested in: board game groups, knitting groups, book clubs - all of these are acceptable non-drinking gatherings. Silent Discos. Skillpop / Cooking classes. All of these activities will enrich your own learning (which makes you more attractive anyway) and possibly lets you meet people with similar interests.