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My boyfriend told me he can’t handle my train of thought
Social LifeI can see both sides of this. I usually need time in the morning to prepared mentally for the day and being talked at and not being given that chance would be a bit of a sensory nightmare and the sort of thing that would make me snap.
However I am a talker as well, and I definitely have a tendency to go off on massive tangents.
I think the fact that he apologised after and seems sincere in it is a good thing. I think you perhaps could both work at understanding each other’s needs better but these things take work in a relationship. Please don’t beat yourself up about this.
Thank you for this thoughtful comment…
I get it, he had woken up hours before me but it was literally as soon as I woke up and got into the kitchen my thoughts were off to the races.
I think I just need a bit of alone time to process my feelings right now and then we could have a conversation of what we could do to set some boundaries.
I get the rejection is very real right now and it sucks, but I think this is something where you can heal together from this and become a better couple with a better understanding of each others needs! Good luck!
This is such a smart, caring move to take the time to process this interaction. You're doing good for your soul. It sounds like you're both on the path to a long and beautiful relationship.
My husband and I have, for lack of a better way to describe the, "code words", shorthand that we both understand to mean something definite. If he needs space, there's a code word for that, if you have energy to burn, there's a code word for that. It sets the expectation that sometimes our interactions are whims, but sometimes there are deeper needs to be met. My husband and I used "I'm really struggling" the most. It's very context specific, so if I'm brain dumping he can say that and I will check up. That doesn't mean shut up. Maybe it means, call my mom or someone else I can dump on who will appreciate it. I would use it when he was being extra and I just didn't have the capacity for his shit. These days we barely use them, because we've been through so much and understand each other's behaviour more clearly, we rarely get to the point we have to eject from the interaction.
I hope you don't mind me screenshotting this comment to share with my guy. We need something like this, and I really like how you and your husband handle it.
Please do!! Communication is critical in all relationships, but the styles modeled to us are usually based on neurotypical communication. It takes time and effort and trial and error to find what works for us. Good luck 😊
I know it can be overwhelming for my guy bc I tend to do the opposite. I wake up before him, I spend a couple hours scrolling and reading, and once he wakes up I have to try my damndest to not just bombard him with everything I'm thinking about everything I read and he's not even fully awake yet 🤣 I don't always succeed haha. (I'll also never forget the time my sister and I were drinking wine and chatting and she told me, "You have too many thoughts! All that would drive me crazy!" 😆)
That rejection sensitivity we tend to deal with is real, though. You have to ask yourself, does he regularly make you feel this way about yourself, or was this a one-off where you two were just in very different moods and you need to work on communication for situations like that? If it's the former, this may not be the right person for you. If the latter, that's normal and like you said, you just need a little time and then an open, loving conversation.
I think the way that he said it was rude and you guys can talk about that. What he was saying can definitely be rephrased and isn't coming from a bad place
I've had a similar situation happen to me and this is how we worked it out-
If i'm talking and he needs some quiet he will politely go, "can we have some quiet time for a bit, we can keep talking later"
if he realizes he needs it when he comes home or in the morning it's just "hey i need a little space for me" and then we do our own things for a bit.
I of course do the same when i need it but, obviously, it's like never. I won't say it won't make you a little sad, but being polite and asking for a little space is perfectly healthy in a relationship, it's just about how it's communicated
Oh do people refer to you as exhausting? I thought it was a complement but . . . Roadrunner of the mind and mouth here.
You are not one way all of the time and are reflective so you can always adjust or adapt. Stay true to who you want to be I hope.
However, it’s not on her to know his needs. He has to effectively communicate them to her.
Nobody likes to be talked AT nonstop though and she should know that without having to be told every time. We need to look for clues: is the person engaging in more than a surface way? Interested. Or are they giving hints, as he DID that he was ready for at minimum a topic change if not a little breather
Hints are not an appropriate form of communication with a significant other.
A significant other is supposed to listen to what the other person says. What did he mean he is trying to enjoy his Sunday morning? Did she not know what he meant? Why didn't she ask?
It is not a woman’s job to manage the communication for both people in a relationship.
Listening is part of communication.
Absolutely. She secondly needs to listen when he’s ready to communicate calmly and clearly.
Exactly. Direct communication, not vague "hints" and passive aggressive comments. Neither of the two quotes in the post are ok.
"Hey OP, I'm having trouble following what you're saying in the mornings / I need some quiet time in the morning to fully wake up" etc. "I'm trying to enjoy my morning" is too vague, plus it implies that he doesn't enjoy OP's company. "You never stop talking" is passive aggressive and again implies he doesn't like listening to OP.
Sure, many people prefer quiet mornings, or can't really focus when we keep talking and take forever to get to the point. But if that's the case, they can use their words and fucking say it.
It could very well be OPs partner did say more but OP simply didn't have the focus to remember all that was said. The comments with the most angry-anoyed undertone are sometimes the only ones I seem to remember when my focus is so low I can't keep track of the point of the thing I was saying.
If you assume that OP is lying, what's the point in even commenting on the post 😂
I'm not assuming OP is lying, I just happen to recognize similar situations with myself and I often forget all the things said to me. I commented because that might help. Maybe I worded it wrong
My husband has a habit of monologing at me about his most recent hyperfocus. Most of the time I like it, but it’s intense if I’m not in the right mood and I get overstimulated. So, I tell him I just need some quiet and I would love to hear all about whatever it is later.
It took a while for me to recognize that I needed to speak up if it was too much for me before I started to get annoyed, but now that I can, he is happy to give me some space and come back to the conversation later when I’m in a better mood. And no hard feelings.
Talk to him. Let him know that you don’t always recognize if he isn’t enjoying the conversation or if he can’t handle your intensity at that moment. And tell him to be direct: “I’m sorry, but I’m just getting overwhelmed by your energy right now. Can we talk about this later? I would really appreciate some quiet for a bit.” No “hints” that he is not into it, your brain will miss those. He needs to be clear, direct, and kind.
And give each other grace. It takes practice to recognize the annoyance creeping up before it takes over, and you will need to practice reminding yourself that it’s not that he doesn’t love you, it’s just that everyone has times when they can’t take the onslaught of a hyperfocus monologue.
Not to say hyperfocus monologues are bad! I quite enjoy listening to my husband’s most of the time! But it takes a lot of mental energy to follow them, and if I’m tired or just in a quiet sort of mood I can’t do it.
"clear, direct and kind" is such a fantastic phrase!
In a relationship where one person is neurodivergent and the other isn't (or ND in a different way), communication becomes even more important. This includes clear communication. All that implicit stuff that's being communicated is different for neurotypicals, ADHDers, autists, etc – so we cannot rely on implicit statements being received as such from the other side.
But honestly, this can be an issue even in an ADHD+ADHD relationship. Like, me and my gf have this sometimes in both directions sometimes, but we've learnt to deal with it.
There is nothing wrong with you. You got ADHD, you got hyperfixations, and you got a need to talk about them. This is a very human thing. It is normal that you feel rejected after his reaction (he very harshly rejected you). It is also human that this excited talk about a subject he probably knows almost nothing about could be overwhelming for him. This is one of those situation where both sides acted pretty normal, but communication failed and it ended bad because of this. I think this situation could have been handled better on both sides, and I'm assuming that you both want to work on that. So, here are my two cents.
“I’m trying to enjoy my Sunday morning” is not clear communication. Clear communication requires explicit statements like "This is too much for me right now, please stop".
I think he needs to work on his communication skills and make more explicit statements, especially when (trying to) communicate/set boundaries.
However, when he was still waking up, you may have overwhelmed him, and this was his desperate attempt to set a boundary. Even when he is usually good in communication, when being overwhelmed this can fail.
You could also work on your communication still and ask for consent before dumping your new hyperfixation knowledge on him. Doing so will also make it easier for him to stop you once you've started, even though he initially agreed.
You could also try to figure out (like, just ask him) if there are situations in which he is unlikely to be receptible to it, so you can be extra careful in these situations.
Maybe, you could actually start using a safe-word for such situations. It could be "stop".
You should also regularly remind him that it's okay to say "no" when you talk about your current hyperfixation.
When I excitedly share newly gained knowledge, I do regularly check-ins with my partner if they are okay with me continuing or if they want me to stop.
In general, many consent-related issues that are usually only talked about when talking about sex, can be applied to everyday situations as well and improve your relationships to everybody.
I see this on both sides. I know someone who will dominate a conversation if they get the opportunity. He's a really nice guy and I haven't figured out a way to tell him that it's too much for me, so I just don't hang out with him much.
I believe communication of needs is important. But I also believe that self regulation is important. I can definitely be a talker, but if I'm not getting response / feedback from the person, I take it as a sign that they don't want to engage. Sometimes I pause and actually think about how much I've been talking, and how much room I've given the other person to speak or ask questions.
I like this comment a lot. I have a friend like that too and I've left hanging out with them with the urge to cry because they'd ranted and talked at me for hours and hours. It's not a mutually rewarding experience if one person is speaking at you, not with you.
I’m sorry OP! I’m glad you’re taking time to honor your feelings. You both sound like kind and caring people.
I’ve been where your boyfriend is. For me, it was the lack of breaks or my not feeling like I was included in the conversation. Way too many inconsequential details (which leads to tangents) while keeping track of the actual story before the point, which could have come out 2 minutes ago, is exhausting.
All the while, I’ve got my own thoughts swirling around! (I was just diagnosed with inattentive adhd).
Neither one of you is a bad person. Don’t catastrophize or ruminate (easier said than done!). And recognize how much your bf cares.
Even in NT relationships, people get on each other’s nerves. 😆
Good luck! 💜
Moving forward, you guys need to work on communication. Saying ‘I’m trying to enjoy my Sunday morning’ is not implicit. It can be interpreted in numerous ways. And especially as neurodivergent folks, we often don’t read subtext on comments like that well.
I’m a yapper. So I totally feel you. What my husband and I have worked out is I’ll say I need to talk out my thoughts/ramble and he’ll affirm that. I know he’ll tune me out sometimes but that’s fine. If it’s a serious conversation I’ll indicate if I need him to listen.
If he’s not in the mood, he’ll say so. No wishy washy subtext-filled comments. ‘Sorry honey, I’m really tired/distracted/not feeling well, I just need some time to myself’.
The fact that your boyfriend seems this remorseful reads to me like he was already on edge, and unfortunately took it out on you. Weve all done it, it feels horrible. Doesn’t make it hurt any less as the recipient but I’m hopeful that this means he’ll be open to a conversation about how to communicate needs ❤️
A pre agreed upon script could also help with communication! I'm a lot when it comes to info dumping, and so is my husband. We use the phrases "I'm tapping out" or "my ears are full" when we reach our limit for listening. If I just can't drop the subject I shift to either composing a pretend TED talk or tv interview about it and practicing that in the bathroom mirror, or writing up a nice long post for a relevant forum/audience online. Most of these talks never reach their audience but it helps me get it out of my system. Dogs can also be a wonderful captive audience if you need a living creature to make eye contact with.
I learnt to read the room. I always keep an eye contact with a person when I’m telling a story and once I see in their eyes that they are not focused on the story, I quickly finish it.
Yes it hurts when you are excited to tell someone a story and they are visibly bored. But you know what hurts even more? When someone is telling me a long boring story on the subject that i don’t care about. That feels like torture to me.
Absolutely. I'm still learning this skill. I learned it's not okay to go and go even if I'm really stimulated by what I'm talking about. I learned that from other people overstimulating me with their excitement!
I learnt to read the room.
This. I'm introverted so I'm usually quiet, but when I do get passionate and want to talk, I can talk for a while. So I absolutely learned how to read the room at a very young age. If someone is wanting out of a conversation, you can tell if you know what to look for.
Yeah learning how to speed up and finish a story to give a person an easy out of a conversation is an important social skill.
:((( there's nothing wrong with you please don't take it personally. It sounds like he lost is temper a little bit. I have an ADHD friend who has quite the yapper, and I love her yapper but its not for everyone all the time! Do you feel rejected?
It’s not that I feel rejected, it’s just that I feel silly after being together for over a year..all the tangents I go on, or as Kayne would put it, the “symphonies of thought,” - how many times has he checked out?
How many times has he just had negative thoughts about me running through his mind while I talk? I feel somewhat flawed, or that I need to watch my tongue or find another outlet of conversation.
The funny thing is that I am so much like my dad, and we are very much both like this and he doesn’t get annoyed with me…so, it’s not all men. It’s just causing me to look at our entire relationship. Maybe I’m being too extreme. I’m not sure
I feel somewhat flawed, or that I need to watch my tongue or find another outlet of conversation.
Aghh I know this feeling, aghh god damn it. Well my immediate thought is that I want you to keep on sharing your thoughts, keep on talking, because your thoughts and tangents are part of who you are so don't deny yourself! You're right it's not all men, I'm a dude and I referenced my friendly yapper earlier. I really don't know what else to say, but goodluck mate!
My brain does this too and I make a point of giving the listener an "escape hatch" within a few minutes. "Hey, this is something I can natter on about for hours, so want to check if you're fine with listening or if there's something else you wanna talk about or you need some quiet."
I have never had anyone react negatively. About 75% of the time, person goes "Oh no, go on!" and 25% of the time they say "Oh, actually, I'm not up for [topic], let's talk about X instead" or they go "yeah, I'm gonna need a bit of time to just sit without talking" or something similar. I find it's a really good habit because people really appreciate the awareness and you are giving them a chance to escape. If they don't take it, that's on them, lol.
I do not think you are being extreme. I understand exactly what it feels like, my ex did that to me and it destroyed me. It literally made me unable to talk, to share anything. Just be careful you don't lose yourself, you are important, you are beautiful and your thoughts are valid!
My parents have used those same phrases with me before too...yeah it never feels great. Sometimes I can laugh/brush it off but not always
I understand completely how you are feeling but we have to remember that neurotypicals have needs too. I understand the compulsive need to talk. I understand the feeling of embarrassment and hurt when people get annoyed with it. However, it is annoying to other people and we do need to do our best to manage it. Your partner lives with you. He spends a lot of time hearing you talk when he probably wants to be able to relax in silence. Try to see things from his point of view instead of focusing on your own hurt feelings. Our homes are meant to be our sanctuary. He should be able to be at home, relaxing and regenerating when he's not at work or in a situation where he has to be social. But he doesn't get that time because there is another person in his home who can't stop talking. I've had to work on this as well. When my partner first brought it up to me, I, like you, was hurt. But over time I've come to realise that his needs matter too. His right to a quiet sanctuary is important. My need to talk isn't more important than his need for me to be quiet. I just have to keep reminding myself that, despite my overwhelming desire to want to say something, no one wants to hear me say it. No one will be happy or impressed and just to keep my mouth shut. In my relationship, we actually have specific set times in the day where my man does his own thing and I don't bother him so he gets that quiet time he needs.
This is a reasonable take, but be careful with your self talk! "No one wants to hear me say it. No one will be happy or impressed and to just keep my mouth shut" are all pretty harsh thoughts that could also be expressed in other less mean ways. Like, "this isn't the right time," or "I want to be kind and I can see that he'll appreciate some quiet right now," or "I have another friend who will appreciate this topic so I'll save it for them".
Just something to think about! ADHD people can get pretty self critical as a defense mechanism but it can be worth it to find thought tracks that don't tear yourself down!
He could've been nicer about it. "Hey I'm not in the mood to talk right now" vs "you really just don't stop talking, do you?"
But I kinda get his underlying point. I'm an introvert. And if it's the morning, I really can't be bothered to listen to someone go on and on.
I'm glad he apologized, and I hope you don't feel like you're fundamentally lesser because of his comments. You're not.
The way he said it was hurtful and rude. The rest of their relationship, she is going to double think everything she says to him. She will never be as open with him again, she will always feel like she's dragging him down with her stories or her tangents. She will never feel completely comfortable again because he is showing her how he truly feels about her. When somebody shows you who they are, you should believe them! He was cruel, he knows she has ADHD and he was just mean.
I mean, I don't personally think it's that deep since he apologized immediately. But if it becomes contempt or he talks to OP like that again, I'd reconsider the relationship for sure.
He definitely could have said it nicer. It sounds like maybe this is something that has been bothering him that he’s been holding in and growing resentful or upset about, rather than openly communicating about. It can be tough for NT people because this is often the way we communicate, but we can’t always expect people to put aside their peace for us. As much as we deserve a safe space to be ourselves, our loved ones also deserve some time to enjoy silence. It was a very hard lesson I had to learn. My husband and I really struggled with that in the early years of our relationship but it was really helpful to just become very overly communicative about our needs. Now we’re 14 years in and we can let each other know when we’re overwhelmed, overstimulated, need quiet time, need talk time, etc.
So my partner and I often reply “context?” With a quizzical look, When the other has gone on a unfollowable tangent. It helps slow the train of thought and gives an opportunity for them to get caught up.
It came out harshly but now that it’s out there use it as an opportunity to improve communication and let him know his response to was too harsh. It can be helpful to have a word like context? As a code word, because it’s a question rather than a comment or judgement… so it invites communication rather than shutting it down
Tbh sometimes I realise how in the weeds I’ve gotten and how it was unreasonable of me to expect them to follow that winding road! And then we move onto something else!
I think I know the exact feeling you have. I struggle with accepting apologies when people mention something about me that comes naturally. I don’t have any advice sorry, I just wanted you to know that i understand and I wish more people in the word thought as we did.
“I just need to think quietly while I drink my coffee, can we talk later?” Nice way to say it. Although both my therapist and my couples therapist think I expect people to be too perfectly nice, so I don’t know if it’s a reasonable expectation that he could have had the self awareness to ask for this. But teach him to do this next time.
Nothing is wrong with you; you were in different wavelengths. He can work on communicating his needs kindly and you can know in the future that he needs time to wake up before listening to you talk about something complicated. He probably likes the way you talk and think other times or he wouldn’t be with you. People who date adhd people usually find us interesting. It sounds like it was a mismatch of energies and you didn’t read the room. It’s okay.
What he said to you was really shitty, but I don’t want to come down on him too hard because it seems like he tried to apologize. You need to believe that he apologized for a reason and the reason was it was him, not you, who did something wrong.
It's a balance and a compromise. On one hand, I can completely understand where you're coming from, and I'm sure you feel so rejected and shut down. On the other hand, I can understand where he's coming from, even though he communicated his feelings poorly and harshly.
My partner and I both have ADHD so it's a constant balancing act and constant communication learning for us. Sometimes when he "info dumps" on me, I get sensory overloaded and have to hit the pause button and ask him to stop until I'm mentally ready and/or have the time to actively listen. Sometimes I'm guilty of info dumping, and he'll need to hit the pause button on me.
We've gotten to a point where we understand this about each other and don't take it personally when one of us needs to pause the conversation, but it took a couple of years of practice and very active communication that doesn't include any "blame" or "all or nothing" language (like "why are you always like this?" or "you just really can't stop talking can you?"). These kinds of statements are extremely harmful and carry a lot of blame and shame, and are just unkind.
For example, the other day, I told him "hey I can tell you're really excited about this but I don't have the brain capacity to listen cuz I'm really stressed out about work. Can we please talk over dinner instead?" and that worked really well.
Also just yesterday, I was fixated on holiday plans for November and December and he was really busy. He stopped me by saying "hey I'm trying to get something time sensitive done. Can I put a time block on our calendars and a reminder, so we can look at planning together next weekend?" I immediately was able to let it go because a) I understood it wasn't him shutting me down, rather it was just bad timing, and b) by him putting something on our calendars and a reminder, I knew we weren't going to forget about the task so my brain could safely "drop the ball" in that moment.
Hope you and your bf are able to figure out a system and communication framework that works for you guys!!
I’m very ADHD, and my partner is not. But we both get overstimulated fairly often. This has meant we’ve learned how to communicate our needs very directly— things like “i need a little bit of space today,” or “I do want to hear about this, but I need some time to wake up/transition”
It just takes time and practice!
I can’t tell a story in a straight line to save my life. Big insecurity of mine. My husband lovingly says I “you tell good stories! It’s a lot of world building” he says my thinking is “webby” and that framing gave me a lot of confidence. And he laughs at my jokes :3
He also hates talking/engaging in the early mornings, so we blow each other kisses until coffee.
But I’ve had many interactions like how you describe- and I don’t think those guys actually liked hanging out with me beyond the honeymoon phase. You deserve someone who enjoys your early morning rambles in their full glory.
Your brain is your brain, of course. But that doesn’t mean that our every natural impulse is good, healthy, or in our own best interest.
Have you had any coaching or therapy?
I start next week
Great! I found it to be really helpful for me. If you're not making progress within a few weeks, you may want to switch to another therapist. There was one year where I fired 6 before I found the one who would work with me the way I know works best for me. Good luck!
It would be helpful if he (and all of us) could be better at saying what we feel and need clearly. I am usually the person needing people to shut up in the morning, but after years of suffering in silence and then snapping, I have learned to say, "I need quiet until after I've had my waffles and YouTube time." I've also given the longer explanation of, "I have to get through my morning rituals and it's really easy to throw me off with almost any interaction and then I'll forget something like taking my meds and it screws me up all day, and also I'm going to be extra irritable so best to just stay clear unless it's really important." Even my cat, who is one of those really chatty boys, will silently shadow me until I greet him, specifically, before he starts going off to me. He just picked up that I'm likely going to shoo him if he talks first. 😆
Yeah, first thing in the morning I don’t want to hear anyone ramble on about anything. It sounds like he gave you a pretty clear signal that he needed quiet but you ignored it. Anyone would be annoyed.
I struggled with feeling embarrassed at times when I wasn’t paying attention to clues but I also learned that’s on me to manage. It’s no one else’s job to just put up with my quirks and never be bothered by them and I am responsible for managing my emotions. Apologies are good but spending the day sulking as though the other person had no right to want a quiet morning or it’s now their job to make me feel better about ignoring their needs is unfair and just leads to resentment. How far do you expect him to go to make you feel better? It doesn’t sound like he was mean or yelled at you or anything. He tried to nicely and politely make a request and you didn’t respond.
If you do this often, then it’s worth working out some kind of signal that you agree to respond to when it happens. Maybe him holding up his hand or using a specific phrase. Talk to him when you aren’t upset. Apologize for not paying attention to his needs and discuss how he can signal to you that you’re rambling and when it isn’t a good time for conversation.
Honestly, he can feel the way he feels and that's valid but he communicated extremely rudely and in a way that way not careful with your relationship. That's something he can easily work on, where the way your brain is wired is not.
It’s the tone and the delivery. He chose to be passive aggressive instead of polite.
You may not have been upset if he said something like “listen, I love you and i love that you love this thing, but i need to eat and have some coffee in peace before I can participate in a conversation or lecture”
That's a tough position to be in. I can see your perspective because I live it too. I can see his because my mom also has adhd and it's exhausting to listen to her. It feels like I have two inner monologues. I love her a lot, but I think she reminds me that I have my own annoying things. I'm practicing both being patient as a listener and not voicing my every thought as a speaker.
You mentioned you and your dad are alike and that he doesn't mind when you talk about whatever. That's awesome to have, and I wonder how much of that is because you're so alike. If your boyfriend is a normie (or even if not) it might just be overwhelming to have that many thoughts racing, or maybe he doesn't wake up on that level.
Is there a way he could signal to you that he needs some quiet time? Like to say "I love you and everything in your brain but I need 20 minutes for my brain to get to the same speed", nothing personal. Also if he knows ahead of time that you're just sort of happily chattering but don't need his input, that might help too.
I hope you're able to work it out!
No no no. Everyone is missing the point. What he said was very unkind. I am sure he can be equally annoying in different ways and you don't express it in a hurtful way.
It takes my NT husband an eternity to get to a point of the story where it comes together and it's nearly impossible to follow and I don't say anything so harsh. I even try to keep up and just appreciate his enthusiasm.
YES, thank you!!! 👏👏👏
have a day omg
Oh god "you really don't just stop talking do you" hit me hard.. my ex said this to me and it fucking hurt, physically. Girly I feel you on this part in particular, I'm so sorry and I wish I could hug you! I would listen to you all day :')
P.s. don't stop talking, you might not realize but the way you can talk, and passionately about whatever you like is such a light, don't lose that light.
I literally, physically flinched when I read it. So mean!
Yes, this exactly! This poor woman. My ex-husband did this to me, he made me feel insignificant and small at every step. And, when he knew he overstepped, then he was the caring, loving husband, he was so sorry. However, the pain was there and it never went away! She will never be fully open with him again because she knows she can't be and that is sad! I feel so bad for her.
Exactly! Unfortunately I feel like I lost a lot who I was because of my ex, I would be carefree and yapping but, since him I'm always thinking twice before I speak or react, it's absolutely tiring I can never just truly say anything without wondering if the other person will perceive it right or if I'm including all the details THEY need to understand.. it's exhausting now, I feel like I never have anything to say because I was always shut down, told it others wouldnt appreciate it, what I'm saying isn't making sense.. it can destroy you..
He definitely went the wrong way about telling you he wanted some peace and quiet. The other evening I was going to listen to a YouTube video and my husband ended up being downstairs with me and started talking to me. What I wish I said to him is "actually I was looking forward to listening to this video and then we'll spend quality time together upstairs." I think I said something like "if you think I need company right now I actually don't, I wanted to listen to something." He took it well but it wasn't as straightforward and gentle as I intended it. I think straightforward and gentle is the way to go.
My husband and I both have ADHD. there are definitely times when I a) just want silence, b) need him to get to the fucking point, and c) really wish he would stop interrupting me when my specific point or communication of a plan reminds him of something he desperately needs to tell me but has nothing to do with what we were talking about.
I know letter c isn’t part of your story, but I threw it in to say I have never and would never say the shit your boyfriend said to you. Contempt is a relationship killer and he feels contempt for you.
Oof just reading that triggered my RSD. 💔
I had never heard of this before but I looked it up and it is indeed what I am experiencing as I lie on the floor of my room crying lol I am processing it, though
Being aware of it is a huge first step.
I won't lie to you and say it's easy to live with, but recognising when you're suffering an RSD episode is really helpful to try and stop yourself escalating.
However, the way your boyfriend spoke to you was (in my opinion) genuinely unkind and pretty thoughtless communication. If you can manage it, maybe take time when you're feeling less wounded to explain how it made you feel, and that a more compassionate approach would be much appreciated.
Very much get how you're feeling, it really sucks. 💕
I truly wish I could give you a great big hug, you don't deserve to be treated like that...
I think a lot of times we tend to talk through what we’re trying to figure out. I try to do this in my head more, and just give the TL:DR version to whoever im talking to.
I’m usually the listener, especially in the morning. As long as you’re not asking me questions or for major input I’m fine with it lol. Otherwise I’m gonna need you to hold off on that
I do this a LOT. Like... A LOT LOT. And my fiancé gets easily overwhelmed, so we had this conversation when he explained to me that he is not rejecting me, it's just too much to deal with since I tend to jump from topic to topic with moon steps. Then he used an example of many situations when I told him "I hate when this movie is going soooooo slow, it kills me inside!" or "my colleague from work just talks and talks and goes around in circles when I literally got her in the first minute and here we are, an hour later and this could've been an email". And I realized that those are just the differences between us. I get irritated that he does not catch the plot of the movie as quick as I am, for him I give too much information at once. We work with it, when something is important, he listens, when he tells me "ok, please, stop now, I love you" I shut up and not throw a fit
My daughter does this and I can't even hear myself think. The thing is, I do it too. It's the best way to hear myself think. I try not to do it, but it's so hard! I sympathize with both you and your boyfriend. It sounds like he's a good guy who just needed a break.
Wow, that is so incredibly rude and dismissive of him. I saw in one of your comments that it’s only been about a year or so. If something feels off, my advice? Listen to that feeling.
Moving forward, I would think really hard about what you’re getting out of this relationship. You don’t have to be with someone who tears you down. Not all people do this to their partners.
His apology wasn’t an apology. It was him pointing even more blame at you in a way that wasn’t very kind. Conflicts happen in relationships, but the most important thing is how someone apologizes and makes amends.
I’ve experienced this in a couple of relationships with ex-boyfriends. Emphasis on the ex.
Be careful, seriously I had an ex-husband that pretended that he was the perfect man in every way. It was only a pretense, she buried all of that and would punish me later for things. It was awful, I spent 29 years thinking I was with a good man. I tried to leave him and my whole family turned against me because he was such a perfect man. So I stayed, I lost myself. Just be careful, what he said was hurtful and rude and I'm so sorry...
"I eventually sulked back to bed feeling as if something is deeply flawed within my brain. "
This is not meant to be harsh, but frankly, there IS something deeply flawed in your brain - it's called ADHD.
But you do not have to sulk about it or even feel like you are "lesser" because of it. We are just DIFFERENT. The hard part is living in a world with non-ADHD people and their expectations.
We do not have to pretend we don't have it and police every single little thing we say or do, but we do have to try to notice when we are being annoying as f, and rein it in. IF we want to maintain our relationships.
I was always an over-sharer, interrupter, over-explainer, obsessed and yakking about it - before my diagnosis it caused a lot of problems for me socially. It is still one of my areas I have to work on. Medication has made it much better, but of course there is not magic bullet. But when I do it now, I own up to it and apologize and try harder.
I can certainly see both sides. Communication goes a long way in setting exceptions that affect how both of your needs are met.
Yeah, but you don't have to be cruel and you don't have to destroy your partner.
He just needs to communicate a little bit more clearly next time. And you need to be a little bit more aware of the mental state of the person listening. It's not a huge problem to overcome. We all have things we need to work on in relationships
He could have said “Hey babe, I’m feeling overwhelmed and like I need a little quiet.” Instead he was snarky and mean.
If this was a one time thing and he’s usually kind to you, that’s one thing. But if someone talked to me like that on a regular basis I’d be asking if they even liked me, much less loved me.
I know my husband would always get annoyed with me talking too much. And then I just tried to stop talking and he also had a problem with that. Idk. I just know I feel yeah.
I’m so sorry! This sounds really invalidating. I’m most concerned with how you’ve felt in response. I really don’t think you deserve to feel that way! I’d encourage you to talk to your boyfriend and really probe this. Maybe it was an off day for him, but maybe this runs deeper and goes to compatibility. I can be my full authentic self with my SECOND husband. First one just didn’t like all of me. I’m constantly amazed that my husband doesn’t get sick of my bs. I think he considers me an amusing little weirdo. I find him a patient and captive audience! I want you to enjoy your dynamic and your interesting, interested brain. Sending you love.
It sounds like he needs to understand that your enthusiasm is part of who you are, not something to be "handled."
My husband can’t handle me frequently. And when he treats me like crap because of it, he gets to deal with a very ANGRY, talkative person. He has learned over the years not to be such a huge asshole but still struggles sometimes. I hope you will call your boyfriend out on the wildly inappropriate and hurtful ways he talked to you. Maybe he got a little overstimulated by you, which my husband does, but it’s never okay to lash out at a loved one with insults.
That’s honestly horrible. Your husband shouldn’t have to deal with an angry person just because he, like any other human being, can’t handle certain situations. Have some more compassion for him and maybe he’s be able to “handle” you more often.
So when my husband is treating me in a way that is unacceptable, I should not feel angry? You are assuming that because I am angry, I am abusive, and that is not what I said. Anger is an emotion, not an action. What you do with your anger is your business. I said it’s never okay to lash out a loved one, and it is completely okay for me to stand up for myself when someone lashes out at me. I hope every person will stand up for themselves when their spouse makes a mistake and hurts them.
This person probably blames the person that got raped for what they were wearing. Don't listen to them...
I definitely am - like I said we’ve been together a year and this is the first time he’s ever actually…insulted me..so it makes me worry a bit but I know I can be very intense and his communicating of that boundary/my understanding, needs work
Do not listen to this person, this person is an idiot. You have every right to be upset, what he said to you was wrong. You deserve much more and you deserve much better!
I know it's none of my business but why are you with somebody that treats you badly? Again, it's not my business, i just want to say I'm sorry. You deserve so much better!
He’s not constantly awful to me, sorry if I made it sound that way. He, like anyone, has his off days or bad moods and can be grumpier, short with me, absentmindedly reject bids for connection, etc. When I was younger, those kinds of actions might make me withdraw and feel like I did something to deserve his short temper. Now that we’ve been together a long time I can easily recognize that he’s reacting to something that isn’t about me. And I call him on it. I’m not taking responsibility (as in feeling like I did something wrong) for him being annoyed that I’m requesting a bid for connection! And I’m not going to allow him to snap at me just because he hasn’t had caffeine yet, or had a rough day at work.
Neither was my ex-husband, it was slow and it was insidious.
He's probably perfectly great, but I would recommend watching out for red flags and going forward. When someone shows you who they are, you should believe it. He was very harsh and it shut you right down. I'm sorry.....
Sounds like a him problem.
But, if you’re invested in making things work with him, you’ll need to work on checking in with him before you begin hyperfixation dumping on him (or during if you forget).
Try asking him “I’d really like to share all this info with you and if you aren’t following it all, that’s ok, I just wanna get it out. You don’t have to fully listen, I just need a ‘rubber ducky’ at the moment”
And if he’s also willing to work on things, try to figure out a nonverbal signal that he can use to politely “interrupt” you - the meaning of the gesture must be a gentle, loving one. Something like “I would really love to interact in this way when I have the energy, but I am just getting too overwhelmed and can’t be there for you right now”
Thank you…I definitely need to start with a disclaimer. I tried to this morning but, he didn’t say anything, so I went ahead. Plot twist.
I will definitely bring all of this up when we have a conversation
Good luck OP!! Rooting for you ❤️
EXACTLY!!! 👏👏👏
Definitely have had this exact convo with my husband many times. Down to him essentially telling me I need to start with a topic sentence when I talk, because he can not follow where the hell I'm going and it takes me so long to get to the point.
There's nothing flawed with you; you're just both different people. ADHD tendencies make us insufferable sometimes for neurotypical folks- I personally like my chatty social nature, but I also realize it's hard for some people to listen to me go on and on endlessly. I also can't stop myself from doing so, despite years of trying. So I just try to accept it as a part of me that I don't have to change, but I also acknowledge is hard for others sometimes, and try not to take it too personally when people need a break from it...
My bf has made comments like that about me before too. I’ve been “too much” and all the things. It just makes me mask more often which is exhausting. I hope you can talk through it!
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24d
I work from home and don't see people all day. Why are his needs of silence more important than my needs of connection?
A connection requires two willing participants. Your need for connection because you are home alone all day doesn’t overrun his need for silence especially if he works in the office and has to talk to people all day long.
Difference is I tried to appease. I asked how I could make it better cause I did see his side. He didn't give me that same respect.
Why are his needs of silence more important than my needs of connection?
Neither is more important but that's where communication and mutual respect comes in.
I asked this one "what do you think is a reasonable amount of time when you get home?"
Which was perfect and he could've given a nicer answer.
Personally when I used to work in the office, I'd need 2 hours of silence/personal time when I got home. Thankfully I lived alone and I'm okay with text communication within those 2 hours, but talking on the phone or having people over? Nope.
Your dude should've just given you a timeframe. My 2 hours might have been unacceptable to some people, but that simply means we're incompatible.
I feel very similar to this - except he’s been very kind and patient with me..we’ve been together for over a year.
I’m a musician so I only really work on the weekends and spend a lot of time alone at home so I understand where you’re coming from on the spilling it all after a day of being with yourself lol.
That’s absolutely not okay for him to say to speak to him after he speaks to you, though. Hell naw..
I find myself going back and forth in my head over “I need to stop talking” vs “someone will accept me this way” - because i totally understand where you’re coming from with being the “common denominator,” but as my therapist would say, “what’s the common denominator with all of these men that attract you to them?”
Kind of trying to figure that out for myself right now. Hugs to you..
I find myself going back and forth in my head over “I need to stop talking” vs “someone will accept me this way”
What if there's a third choice?
I'm not saying that there is or that I know what it is, but sometimes when we end up in binary thinking it can stop us from seeing other solutions that might give us the best results. For example:
What if this is just about problem-solving so you both get your needs met? If you sat down and talked about what you need, and where you can flex, what if you could find a solution that works for both of you?
I’ve been there! I’ve learned that after a good nights sleep I am very chatty and my boyfriend needs some time to himself. So I get up and do my own thing while he lays in bed for an hour, and then he has his coffee and by then I’m a bit calm. If that doesn’t work, I put on headphones. Usually it’s because I’m understimulated and I talk to fill the void.
I also felt awful/self-conscious when it first came up. Recognize it as a boundary, albeit a poorly communicated boundary. I’m sure your partner was tired and could have spoken to you better.
Find a strategy that works for the two of you and it will be okay :) hugs!
I both do this AND can't handle other people doing this, and I really dislike that my brain is a hypocrite about rambling or overdetailed stories.
My partner and I continue to work on this, but we have developed some shorthand. If it's not urgent, we ask if the other person wants to hear about the thing right now. I insist on him getting my attention instead of just talking to me while I am concentrating on something else. If his story gets rambly, I raise my hand, interrupt, and say, "my brain is not tracking what you are saying. I think I need the cliff notes version. Or if he uses too many vague identifiers (unassigned pronouns, the thing, it, etc) I will interrupt and say I am completely lost and I am trying very hard to pay attention to you but I can't figure out what you are talking about. If he gets really bad at not getting my attention first lately, I just ignore him until he does, which is more like pretending to ignore him but it's enforcing a healthy boundary for me: My attention is not available to you without my consent. I informed him in advance that I would be doing that because being constantly interrupted all day for inconsequentials is not something I can handle and I need my time and attention treated as valuable. We discussed it in a calm moment.
We are both neurodivergent. We accept that if the other person tells us they are struggling, they are struggling. But we also try to communicate proactively and not immediately when feeling a surge of negative emotions.
Your brain is your brain, but you do have choices. If he says something like, "I'm trying to enjoy my Saturday morning" and that doesn't mean anything to you, you should care enough about him to get curious and ask what he's trying to say. He needs to stop trying to hint and be clear that he needs some quiet time, and you need to respect that he should have a level of consent to his attention and start asking if he minds if you tell him a long story now or ask if there would be a better time before you start. He needs to communicate with kindness and understanding that your brain does make communication more difficult, and not wait until he is upset to have to speak up. You need to have understanding that your rambling is hard for someone else to cope with, and respond with kindness when he asks for you to stop talking for a little while so he can gather his own thoughts.
It's a combination of the ADHD, plus poor conflict resolution communication skills. If you can't improve the conflict skills, a couple's therapist would probably help.
I think maybe first of all he’s apologised and you realise yourself that your brain goes on twists and turns. Maybe you could in future have a stop word for him to say if he isn’t following, either that or even a plan to maybe let him ask you questions to guide what you’re saying a bit? My friends always say they have to let my spring run down like an alarm clock first and then they can ask me questions and try and figure out whatever it is that I’m actually trying to talk or ask about 😅
I get it’s annoying and worrying but I bet you don’t understand everything first time around as well so sometimes maybe it’s a case of just assuming that everything everyone said is easily misunderstood so it’s best to just double check everything!
I have the most understanding boyfriend of all time but he is not a morning person. He's never said anything like this to me, but I know him well enough that in the mornings I say something like "I am very excited about x thing, I'll tell you about it later today." OR if it's something I can type up I'll send him a paragraph about whatever it is and he can read it at his leisure.
Ouch I feel you 🥺 these comments that just sting like little bees… especially the sarcastic/cynical ones from my father: „you’re mouth goes like a duck‘s arse“ (opening and closing really quickly), or „don’t you need to breathe every now and then?“
I learned over time to limit my talking, but it still comes out every now and then, and I actually enjoy it. If someone doesn’t know me yet, I try to tune it down until I know how much the other one can take. But I am soooo glad that my current partner doesn’t mind it at all 😅 He doesn’t always listen to every single word, but I don’t mind that as long as I can just speak however I like 😊 that’s freedom! Oh and talking to myself is fun, too 😃 and also therapeutic ☺️
I have had this said to me all of my life and less kind if you can imagine. It made me quieter as an adult always trying to not speak much to anyone but still there are times that I can’t help my word vomit. I often get that look of a deer in headlights from people but I still can’t help the word vomit. I’ve just accepted it about myself because I know there is no way that I can fix it. I didn’t know I had adhd as a kid/young adult so I always felt horrible when people would just walk away from me in mid sentence. Now I try really hard to be aware and also will sprinkle in apologies for talking too much.
My stbxh said, “I hate the way you think.” When I explained to him why I don’t drink his soda. It’s because there’s his soda then there’s my soda. Out of respect, I don’t mess with his things. That includes his food, drinks, computer, tv, etc. he’s a dick and I left him.
Sounds like your boyfriend is too. We should be with people who accept us for who we are.
We should be with people who accept us for who we are.
While that's 100% true, this depends on if this was just a one-off or if OP's bf is often like this (rude with his comments) or annoyed with OP all the time.
If it was just this one morning that he wanted a quiet morning, or if he's one of those people who just don't want any interaction till after he's finished his coffee or something, that's fine. He just needs to be nicer in his communication of that preference.
Sometimes people just want silence and that's fine. Just don't be an asshole about wanting that.
He’s not the guy for you. It’s really that simple. You might talk too much but, the way he reacts is unkind and isn’t good for long term compatibility. You deserve someone who is happy to come along on the journey with you. They’re out there. 🤍
This is terrible communication on his part. First off "I'm trying to enjoy my Sunday morning" is a gross thing to say when what you're trying to imply is that the other person's conversation is why you're not enjoying it.
He could just say more clearly that he is looking for a quiet morning before he's ready to dive into a discussion.
Second, yeah, he literally didn't ask you to stop and you were clearly enjoying yourself so why would you?
There's nothing wrong with your brain or who you are. He should have communicated better.
If you do find this is a recurring problem with people in your life, it can help to pay attention to signs that the other person isn't into the conversation (this is part of general polite behavior but isn't really ever taught explicitly). Basically, if someone is not contributing to the conversation, is only or mostly giving non-verbal responses, or is actively distracted, looking at their phone or whatever and not at you, it might be worth slowing down or saving it for another time. You could ask what's on their mind; if they're distracted, they might have something they want to discuss. If this happens all the time when you try to talk, then it's also worth considering if you two are compatible (both for friends and romantic partners).
Have you see the meme-ish phrase on coffee mugs that say "Don't talk to me until I have finished my coffee"? Or implying that they will be a total jerk until the coffee is finished? I believe the point of the mug is that some people really struggle in the morning to "turn on" their brains. They are sluggish and need some time to wake up. Food, exercise, coffee, going through a routine, etc needs to happen before they get there.
It sounds like he was just at that point, and unfortunately he articulated his frustration while he was still angry about it.
I have chattered my boyfriend's ear off while he was still waking up before, too. I have since tried to make it a point to see how awake/alert he is before I start initiating conversation. I sometimes may also simply ask if he is up to hearing about something I find interesting. Sometimes his answer is yes, and sometimes his answer his no, and I have to not see that as a rejection but rather him setting a boundary. In that moment, he recognizes that he does not have the capacity to meet me where I am at, and he needs some time before we can sit down to chat about it.
If I absolutely MUST get the info out of my head right that instant, I open up a Google doc and just info dump the shit out of that document. Once it's out, I tend to feel better. In those instances I am recognizing that I am not necessarily making a bid for connection, but rather I have a build-up of excited energy and I need to dump it somewhere before I feel like I am going to explode.
But if my boyfriend consistently denied me opportunities to talk to him about the things I find interesting, I would absolutely feel rejected and lonely. At that point, it should be a conversation about how your excited chatter is a bid for connection and his unwillingness to engage feels like rejection. If rejection is not his intention, then some sort of system needs to be put in place where you can clearly communicate your need to connect and he can clearly communicate whether or not he is equipped to engage (and if not, make it a priority to do so as soon as possible).
There is nothing wrong with you and neither of you necessarily did anything wrong (though the way he expressed himself was a little harsh). I don't think he was rejecting you or saying he didn't want to connect you- just that in that specific moment, he was not yet ready to meet you where you were at.
Whelp, I can relate to your bf heavily here. I'm audhd and my bf is adhd. He wakes up and starts talking Immediately. I'm a 2 hour of silence in the morning person. I often have to remind him to stfu. Trade off is he gets to do it to me too when I'm hyper focusing and running on and on. The balance works for us because it's a reminder that what we want and need does not allow us to.supercede and step over what someone else needs and wants in the moment. It also requires that we not take it personally when we are shut down and have to corral our rsd. It's not a perfect system but it works if you work it imo.
there's nothing wrong with you at all, couples fight sometimes and it sounds like he was sincere in his apology after, communication is important let him know how it made you feel and tell him youre not angry but that you'd appreciate him handling it better next time or something like that
Eff that guy. Sorry but my ex husband was dismissive of my enthusiasm in front of our friends and I didn’t know at the time but that was a nail in the coffin.
The need to voice thoughts can overpower the need of others silence... our brains need to fart it out, in all perspectives. This makes some peoples brains feel like they're melting...
I tend to talk at the cat until it's straight, he'd not at all interested unless I'm feeding him treats while I do it, bit of give n take. He's a bit fat tbh... writing/drawing the process etc.
It's not all the time, but be honest, when it is in the beginning of an intrigue, we bounce all over for 50 million years trying to get to the point... coz our brains are making the links between random saved information that seems relevant to the new information we're hoarding...
It's just a difference you have, there are likely others. How you deal and communicate about them is important. Along with mutual respect and consideration
Wow. What a dick. He was being a passive aggressive lil bitch and he knows it. Both phrases are so rude and contemptuous! I thought enjoying pointless conversations or just listening and spending time with your partner is what Sunday mornings are for. If he wanted peace and quiet, he should have said so.
Would he say what he said to a co-worker?! Never. I guess that treatment is reserved for you and your Sunday morning. So many women spend their lives with men who straight up hate them, don't be one of those. You need to place him under a close observation and really pay attention to how he talks to you.
I’d much rather be “too talkative” than someone who would snap at a loved one like that.
He might be a work in progress but you gotta have someone who can handle it in the long run because that’s who you are. When my husband wants to get a word in he says “changing the speed” usually while I’m taking a breath and I remember he needs a turn to talk too. At night he would tell me to talk to him so he can fall asleep. That sounds bad but I would tell him all the random things that are going on in my brain and he wouldn’t really listen but loves sound of my voice and would fall asleep to me talking while I got all my thought out so I could sleep and that works for us. He can tune me out without making me actually feel ignored.
You felt deeply rejected. Work on it so he doesn’t feel guilty for normal feelings.
the way he said it was rude. OP isn't at fault for feeling hurt by that.
Idk about you but I can become rude too when I am overstimulated.
Rather than you being less, recognize that you deserve more.
did his parents bring him up to be so rude??
It's totally understandable why it hurt you, he could have expressed his needs/boundaries in a MUCH nicer way and I'm sure you would have understood and things would've ended much more amicably.
Sorry that this has happened to you, OP.
He’s a pos
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