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This is a great PSA. Two months. Unprotected sex with someone you don’t fully know is so risky.
And "in love".
At 2 months you're not in love with him. You're in love with his representative. You don't even know who he is yet.
Correct, and I clearly articulated in my post that I understand that. That’s why I used quotations around “in love”.
I saw you put it in quotes. But quotes or not, you wrote it, which means on some level you believe it.
You're too grown to even be thinking these fantastical Disney-Prince thoughts with some guy you've known for 2 months. And you have a child. You cannot afford to even mildly entertain that thinking long enough to write it.
I'm not saying he's a bad guy. I don't know him. Problem is, neither do you.
You're infatuated. Say that. Don't use "love". Words have power. Power enough to supercede our common sense, sometimes.
“Love” is not what lead me to unprotected sex your judgment is meaningless here
She's not judging you. She is being logical. Something that is extremely hard to do in the beginning stages of a relationship.
Thank you!
Telling someone they are “too grown for xy&z” is in fact a judgment. She does not know me. So how does she know what I’m too grown for? That’s her opinion which isn’t a fact.
You said you are forty, right? That is enough to know what you are too old for.
Again that’s someone else’s opinion, not a fact.
Odd you thought I said.
Where - precisely - did I even mention the unprotected sex part? Cut and paste where I said that in the above comment.
I'll wait.
You’re annoying. The post is about unprotected sex, so idk why else you’d be pounding me over whether I’m in love with him or not? And I’m terminating the pregnancy, so again, what difference does it make? I am using my judgment wisely by knowing that I cannot truly know/love someone in just 2 months of time. So again, your point is pointless.
Her point is that you are trusting this guy with unprotected sex after just two months of knowing him. That is a very unwise choice. Not just for pregnancy, but for STDs. People lie. People cheat. I don't get why you are attacking her and taking it so personal. She is just telling you to be smarter and more responsible. But I guess if you don't want to do that, you get defensive.
Yes and I already acknowledged all of that so again, wtf is this for? I said I am going to use protection and learned my lesson. And I don’t take issue with what she is saying, rather her poor approach to how she is saying it to someone who is already in distress. There’s ways to say things nicely ladies.
So you didn't see where I said that. Got it.
Instead of being defensive, understand I'm trying to get you to see how dangerous it is for you to even think about using "love" regarding a man you've known for such little time. Saying "love", even in quotes, can lead you to wearing rose colored glasses that can make you miss big red flags that can end up hurting you or your child. And I'm not talking this pregnancy.
But sure... fight with me. That'll change reality.
I have a therapist to guide me through that. And if you would like to help there’s only a million other ways to say something without sounding like an asshole 🤷🏻♀️
I met a guy like this. He thought it was fine because he took an STI test and had a vasectomy. I did not sleep with him. He turned out to have manipulative tendencies, which I found out after I told him I no longer wanted to date him. After I rejected him, he'd send me manipulative texts in what appeared to me to be an effort to make me jealous, and get me interested in him again. He'd be like, "my ex is texting me about wanting to hookup, how do I deal with this?" And in my head I'd be like, you have a college degree from a very prestigious school, and you have a job where you're paid a ridiculous amount of money because you're supposedly so intelligent, yet you can't figure out how to deal with your ex without texting me? Funny how while we were dating, you had no issues like this, and as soon as we stop dating, you start having all sorts of things like this happen...
Even with people who never lie; some are like "Oh I got tested right after the last sex with my ex" when it can take months for something to show up on a test and you need to use actual barriers until the right timelines have elapsed for testing accurately.
I’m a mom of two and had an abortion last weekend. It was the best choice for me, and I am happily married to someone I’ve known for 15 years. Your logic is spot on and you are making the right choice. And, you’re allowed to feel sad about it. Let yourself feel everything that comes up. Please feel free to reach out via DM if you have any questions about the process. Hugs.
Hey, high five to you!
I had an abortion about a decade ago (my early 20’s). I was really iffy about it (just cause I didn’t have much experience with doctors yet). I did tell them I wanted a copy of the ultrasound, which was part of the process (they do an ultrasound on you to make sure the gestational age is accurate & legal).
I’ve known teen girls who have have them, religious early 30’s women, mothers of 2+ already, and on, it’s really not limited to just “one” type of people or group.
Even the religious friend I have, when she told her very religious (& extremely down to earth woman) mother about it, her mom said “It’s ok. god will forgive you because that wasn’t the path you were on yet. No one is mad at you for making a decision and following through on it.”
That right there is a woman who knows what life is like and even though she is religious, she understands that it is a medical procedure.
I just... man I just love this for your friend. Wow.
I know, right?
I swear to god her mother is just an angel on the earth side (& I don’t even believe in god).
Hearing about that story, REALLY put a different spin on my feelings about religion. Like this was a true 100% god worshipping person, church 2-3x a week, and lived humbled, beautiful life & family, with her head screwed on straight.
You don’t meet a lot of true religious people (except the culty ones) who are okay with the things that happen, such as an abortion. I mean not “okay” with things but they accept that somethings just aren’t great choices and it’s a lose-lose any way.
When I say a true Christian, this is what I believe true Christians should be like. Not those fuckers who claim to be religious but their actions & deeds do not make sense.
This used to be way more common. My grandparents were extremely religious and were lifelong Republicans. They were also staunchly pro-choice. Being anti-abortion wasn't part of mainstream Protestantism or conservative politics in the US until the 1970s, and it wasn't really popular until the 1990s. Unfortunately, those who are pro-choice have been pushed out of many churches for decades now.
Which is not to excuse all the other shit Christians (or even my grandparents!) have done, I just haven't had a lot of examples of Christians in my life who were truly interested in helping people as someone born in the late 1980s.
This is how I always thought about my maternal grandmother. I was the youngest so she was pretty old already when I was growing up but we lived together for a lot of my early childhood. She was very religious but also just lived by a very strong moral code that my non-religious self took to heart about how to treat other people for the most part. My mom grew up with 70s Catholic guilt but also took me aside in my mid-teens to tell me a story about how she drove a teenaged coworker to get an abortion because the girl's parents wouldn't and she was in a bad situation. It's always comforting to know that even some conservative or religious women are pro-choice because like, it makes sense.
both of my grandmothers were like this. one catholic, one baptist. both devoted themselves completely to their church. i thought it was bananas when i was a kid. i just couldnt figure it out because it seemed so phony for most people but it just was not for them. they were both real deal saints that treated everyone with love and grace, and the only reason i feel comfortable around religious people today, just in case some of them are like they were.
31 "Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.
32 "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.
33 "If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.
34 "If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount.
35 "But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men.
36 "Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned.
38 "Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure -pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return."
39 And He also spoke a parable to them: "A blind man cannot * guide a blind man, can he? Will they not both fall into a pit?
40 "A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher.
41 "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
42 "Or how can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye.
43 "For there is no good tree which produces bad fruit, nor, on the other hand, a bad tree which produces good fruit.
44 "For each tree is known by its own fruit. For men do not gather figs from thorns, nor do they pick grapes from a briar bush.
45 "The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.
Even a non-religious person I can acknowledge that the Bible has some right proper bangers.
Sadly it's just a big book with a multiple choice where you can pick and choose different verses until you can contradict even the core fundamentals like "Don't be a shitheel" while feeling extremely Holy.
Christians who get what the story's about like all y'all's grandmas? Solid A+ people, man.
Bible thumbers tho? Feh. A blight on society.
The Gospels are where it's at, I think. I can take or leave most of the rest of the Bible, but I'm wild for the Gospels.
Pull out is definitely not good birth control method. I'm shocked there's adults that believe this. Not to mention STD factor of someone you don't know. Termination is the right move. PP might offer follow up counseling that includes bc methods. Even if you end this relationship it's a good time to establish bc now.
This is the craziest part of this entire post. You were obviously dating a man with a really low sperm count
“Master” of the pullout method here. 100% success rate. I do NOT advocate for using it. I was lucky, and looking back on it I was NOT ready to be a parent at the time I was using it. Wife (then GF) was on and off birth control as well, but our main BC method was pullout. My wife and I since had 2 beautiful kids (intentional) and I got a vasectomy. I was dumb for relying on it as my only method of birth control. Not every man has the timing down, and everyone is different when it comes to dribbling (not to get too graphic), and sometimes with alcohol or drugs the timing can be messed up for both parties.
Pull out worked for 11 years so clearly it does work. Its skeptical whether her new partner even pulled out at all. I doubt he did
It worked with her ex-husband, which might mean something was going on biologically (like, if he had a lower sperm count than her current boyfriend, that would make it harder for her to get pregnant from pulling out). That does not mean it will work with her current partner, and the fact that she's pregnant now shows that it doesn't work.
There is no way it would work otherwise. I'm a man and my partner gets me so excited that I'm wet (precum) before I even enter her. The pullout "method" would never work with us.
It is 2024, and there are still adults who believe it is a viable method. What a world.
Until it didnt.
Some men practically do not produce precum. Paired with a very good self-control, those are the ones that will be able to practice pull out without getting their partner pregnant. Having no precum or weak swimmers is not the norm though. There are more men who produce precum, and this can totally get you pregnant.
Pull out should only be practiced if you are OK with having a baby, just not really planning for one.
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3d
Never said it was a good idea.
honestly you should stop using the pull out method because you can easily get an STI if your partner isnt faithful. consider your health and your child. you need to stick around to be there for your kid. some STIs can kill you.
make better choices OP. for the sake of your kid at the minimum
Pls opt for stringent birth control methods/protection after MTP. For instance, insisting on condoms even if you are on oral BC since no method is 100 percent safe. If a guy refuses to use protection, he is very selfish and is not worthy of being a partner. The 3 situations a man could perhaps not use protection on him would be: 1. He has undergone vasectomy and has been tested and both parties are free of all STDs. 2. The woman he with is sterilized (bisalp NOT tubal ligation) and there is no threat of STDs. 3. Both the partners are deliberately trying for children enthusiastically.
Barring these situations, someone who is not concerned about causing a pregnancy is callous & is concerned only about his own perceived pleasure. That's a huge red flag. Sending you love & healing. Counselling too will help and pls do not hesitate to access it along with medical care you need right now..
Some long acting, reversible birth control methods are as or more effective than sterilization. Get out of here with your inaccurate arbitrary, prescriptive 3 rule nonsense
NO birth control methods in use today are 100 percent effective. So, keep your debunked belief (that there are BC even more effective than sterilization) to yourself: especially in these times in which an unwanted pregnancy can mean life or death for people getting pregnant. There will be people who get pregnant despite using it long acting birth control methods. You may have your reasons for going raw that doesn't mean you put other people at grave emotional & physical risk. Asking men to use protection at all times unless sterilized (& required time is over after vasectomy, for instance) is the jist of my comment above: demanding protection for the integrity of one's body & mind should be encouraged over male pleasure.
They arent lying. They stated these methods are more effective than sterilization, not that they are 100%
Sterilization as most people get it (vasectomy or tubal ligation) is also not 100% and this fact needs to be publicised - it happens to have a fail rate that is similar to the contraceptive implant and people should know that information.
The only kind of surgery that IS 100% would be a hysterectomy or getting the ovaries or testes removed. But because we need the hormones that the ovaries and testes provide, and because hysterectomy has serious potential complications, these operations are pretty much never carried out for contraception and are usually reserved for cancer or treating severe gynaecological conditions, or gender reassignment surgery.
The pearl index of a vasectomy or getting your times tied means that around 1 in 1000 people get pregnant each year with these methods. That is similar to the implant (the implant actually scores slightly better) but slightly better than the coil.
Contraceptives considered to be LARCS - long acting reversible contraception with high efficacy comparable to surgical sterilization - are the contraceptive implant, both hormonal and copper IUDs, and the depo injection.
But I do agree that doubling up even a LARC and condoms is perfectly sensible. You can always make a risk lower. You should not be combining different hormonal contraception, however.
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3d
Oh you absolutely can, that's true. Ectopic pregnancies are the stuff of nightmares.
I don't disagree, but to nitpick, bilateral salpingectomy is becoming the gold standard for sterilization for people with uteruses these days, and it is as close to 100% as any contraceptive method can get short of hysterectomy; there are only five documented cases of pregnancy post-bisalp in all of medical literature, which is so small as to be negligible. It is almost certainly more effective than the implant, but the implant is more effective than traditional tubal ligation, as you mentioned.
You mention that "sterilization as most people get (vasectomy or tubal ligation) are not 100 percent effective".
Well, many women these days opt for bisalp not tubal ligation after they have the required number of kids (or those who want to be child free)and it is more effective than IUDs, oral BC and tubal ligation. Pls note that Salpingectomy leaves uterus & ovaries intact and these women get regular periods after the procedure. Bisalp effectiveness is close to 100 percent.
As for vasectomy, after 3 months of getting a vasectomy, failure rates are .04 & .08 making it more effective in preventing pregnancies than any IUD, oral birth control or tubal ligation.
Girl, noooo. But no judgment here.
Pulling out is NOT, is NOT a method of birth control. Is just a game of chance. Don't rely on it: you can see the results here.
Also , going with zero protection after dating for just 2 months?. Big no, you don't know his ETS status, and not every ETS " shows" to the naked eye. He could have Chlamydia , Trichomonas, etc and his genitalia would look normal. Please, use condoms, let alone the HIV thing!.
Anddd... don't put anyone on a pedestal, even more so after dating for just 2 months. 60 days is nothing regarding to knowing how a person truly is like. Masking for months, even a few year, is conmon.
No need to be gentle, you just need to do you. If that’s the best situation for you then you should do it.
Is it better to bring a child into the world when you’re not sure what to do or is it better to have an abortion?
You should never be sorry for what’s best for your mind and body.
Good luck!
There is no such thing as being master at pullout though. Its all risky.
Are people really rawdogging after 2 month like STDs don‘t exist? I mean, what?
What a pickle you are in. This really sucks 🫤… good luck.
Not mad about the abortion - that's your choice. I'm mad that people still think the 'pull out method' is a reasonable form of birth control. You can get pregnant from precum. You can get pregnant from stuff being ON the penis from a previous ejaculation.
PLEASE CAN PEOPLE STOP USING THIS. IT DOESN'T WORK.
Yeah, I was a little dumb struck at someone being the master of pull out method. Pull out method has made many people parents.
Why not use birth control?
Apparently this is more common than people admit (or should be used). I have a few friends that went decades with it, which shocked me. One is suffering from HPV after her boyfriend cheated, another had a pregnancy after 3 months, then was abandoned when the baby was born.
Right. How do you not have 8 kids. The pull out method 😩
Ex husband probably has a low sperm count.
Probably. Still not birth control
Exactly. Especially in a new relationship. I don't feel sorry. Grow up.
Yeah and 31? FFS she should know better at that age
I met a woman who’s just over 40, with a recent “oops baby” and she said, how do you know when you’re ovulating? Well that explains a lot lol. I don’t understand making it to that age and not tracking your cycle and knowing your ovulation signs. Anyway, relying on pull out at a grown age is wild.
Get an abortion. And get a long term birth control like the implant rather than relying on a form of “birth control” that has an astonishingly poor reliability rate (78% over a year as opposed to 99.5 success rate for Implanon, for example).
At 31 you should know better than not using any birth control and/or condoms. Same with the guy. If your not using anything to prevent then you are trying. You don't want to rely on luck or hope you don't get pregnant. You have to actually take steps to prevent or drastically decrease the chances.
I'm also a little sus on this wonderful man who doesn't wanna use any protection in a new relationship. I know rawdogging feels better but to have so little impulse control to put yourself and your fresh new partner in risk. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
Do you think she’s not like, absolutely acutely aware of this at this moment? Who is this comment helping?
People just like her. There are plenty of unplanned pregnancies where no preventative measures were taken. Some people literally just hope they don't get pregnant, that's it! That's why you have to actually educate people.
Sure, but I gotta think there’s a way to do that that doesn’t include actively shaming someone who is in emotional distress.
It doesn’t sound shaming to me at all. It sounds informative.
“You should know better” is shaming
You need to understand what shaming actually means before you try to shut people up with accusations of it.
“You should know better” is shaming
Thank you.
People who are OP a month ago.
I think you just needed a safe space to come and put this out into the world. And I am glad that's here for you. You're making the choice that's right for you and that's all that matters. That you can acknowledge that this is the choice you need to make.
But for the record? I do think you should, if you haven't already, consider talking to a professional. Your guilt is still there, and I don't think it should be. You made the right choice for yourself and your child and he's happy and has love, a roof, food, clothing, all the necessities and then some.
I do have a therapist who is a great support and has helped me with the shame and guilt I put on myself. A work in progress. Thanks for your thoughtful response.
I'm really happy to hear that! May you continue to soar my friend.
"He was a master at the pull out method and I simply never had to worry about it with him. " that alone is so stupid to read... are you joking?
For when you make have your appointment, if in need of in person support I've had wonderful experience with the loves at auntie network. They hold it down for all of us.
Do you mean you took absolutely no precautions and just crossed your fingers ?
I get you, but now isn't the time
We can offer support and also criticize at the same time. Not using any form of birth control at all in a brand new relationship, then getting pregnant and acting shocked is irresponsible. And she now has to make an extremely difficult decision when it could have very easily been avoided in the first place. I support abortion 100% in ANY case... but it shouldn't be the first line of defense against pregnancies lol
I, too, support abortion up to 15 weeks, but ignorance is why we have most abortions IMO. Lack of sexual education in schools and religious upbringing. Only bc I've heard of repeat abortions. You can make a mistake once bc of ignorance, but twice or more is inexcusable.
A woman in her 30s with an internet connection owes herself the due diligence of seeking out information regarding pregnancies and how to prevent them. If we were talking about a 15 year old girl, you would have more of a point.
You know what you call people who use the pull-out method?
Parents.
You need to set yourself, your life and your relationship up for success. That means maintaining a stable environment with the last amount of stressors while you heal and get to know this man and this new relationship. Having a baby now will ruin that. If he's a good one, there will be opportunities to bring a baby into the world you're both ready for.
Sending you hugs, you're making the right decision
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3d
Lol lol
Guess I’m just a stupid woman.
The resident 10yo has had sex ed classes at school and knows no condoms/contraception = pregnancy, so…
Geez, I don’t think name-calling right now is super helpful. Also, men can’t do hair and makeup? And can’t be trusted with anything? THAT’S stupid, and sexist! Ugh.
Interestingly, the pullout method used to be listed as ~94% effective (with perfect use) on the Planned Parenthood website, and most sites used to say that pre-cum did NOT contain sperm (and would state that if the man peed before sex to clear out any previous ejaculate, and did not ejaculate during sex, then you were in the clear). But I noticed in the past few years, this has been revised to say that SOME men have sperm in their pre-cum.
Newer page: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/can-you-get-pregnant-from-pre-cum-im-hearing-different-stories
Older page: https://ppt.on.ca/factsheets/withdrawal/
Anyway, not saying it’s an effective method AT ALL, but I also don’t think you were “stupid” for using it.
So sorry you’re going through this, OP.
It’s not stupid or sexist. There’s no way - unless the man is a professional make up artist, which is obviously not what I’m referring to - that women would let the man they carelessly fuck do their hair & make up without then spending a longer time fixing it (than it took to do the clown face makeup deed in the first place) before they leave their house and face the public. Both are about trust, managing risk, and having self-respect and common sense.
There have been a few posts on here from women indicating they possessed zero understanding/knowledge that the “success” of the pull-out method also relies on them tracking their cycle and that they hadn’t tracked their cycle.
So, having sex with a man you can’t rely on on or trust to spend 5 seconds putting on a condom so as to avoid getting you pregnant/infected with sexual diseases but then relying on him to pull-out is stupid.
They taught us in sex ed class in the ‘late 90s/00s that pre-cum can contain sperm… big yikes.
Thank you for clarifying this. Yes, everything you mentioned as far as the pull out method is the knowledge I was working with. I am allergic to latex, so condoms were never right for me. I should have taken other precautions. But the information I had over the years is what you listed out here. So thank you for validating some of this just being a lack of factual knowledge.
There are latex free condoms, I’ve used them before!
Right, but that doesn’t stop you using google or both individuals getting tested when you move on to a new sexual partner.
Of all the inane useless shit you - and all of us - google everyday like ‘who is the father of mindy kaling’s children’ or ‘who is Taylor swift dating now’ or ‘is Joe Biden on adhd meds or coke’, not googling precautions didn’t occur to you? Latex allergy and pregnancy aside, the thought of ‘what if I get HIV/AIDs or syphilis or gonorrhoea?’ didn’t occur? The therapy speak about being validated is wild.
It’s been widely known AND taught for decades that pre-cum contains sperm and that the success of the pull-out method is fallible and relies on tracking your cycle; that condoms are the only comprehensive contraceptive to protect against both pregnancy AND STIs (and that latex-free ones exist eg made of silicone); and, that there are pills, coils, injections, diaphragms (including latex-free silicone ones), patches etc.
https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/choosing-contraception/
https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/methods-of-contraception/
https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/methods-of-contraception/natural-family-planning/
I said I fucked up. But thanks for continuing to hammer it into me
No, not just you (my original comment wasn’t solely referring to you). I say that with kindness. It’s 50% on the guy. That’s what’s infuriating. It makes me wish all women looked out for their interests and protected themselves first and foremost irrespective of their sexual partner and how ‘good’ he is. Because any decent man would have tried to put on a condom or at least found alternative to latex ones.
A decent man is one that takes responsibility given the burden to deal with the consequences weighs entirely on us.
I sincerely hope your next partner is one such man. I want you have as much and as good sex as you want and can get, but I hope you (and all women) never have to worry about or deal with the stress of this again.
Are you seriously surprised the pull out method didn’t prevent pregnancy lmao
No, not surprised by that.
You gotta do what’s best for you. And pro choice means we accept any choice you make 🩷
Also, I don’t wanna lecture you but please get on a BC method like stat. It’s not the enemy that the right-wing lunatics are trying to make it be.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. That sounds really stressful. Whatever you decide, things will be okay.
I hope you live somewhere accommodating. Good luck
Oh my I'm so sorry. I had to have an abortion about 7 months ago now. It was really difficult and I am still not emotionally recovered but I know I did what needed to be done for my family at that time. I'm here for you, feel free to message me at any point. ❤️
You know what they often call people who rely on the pull-out method of contraception? Parents.
Sorry you never had comprehensive sex ed, take this as an opportunity to learn.
And re: termination, do what is right for you. Every woman should have the bodily autonomy to make that decision.
I’m glad you’re doing what’s best for you and your child. Sending you love🩷🩷🩷
You did not want to be pregnant 2 days ago. So you do not want to be pregnant today. You made the right decision.
I would do the same thing if I was in your shoes. But please, please, PLEASE use protection every time.
NTA 2 months is not enough time to know anyone. Do what’s best for you and don’t be bullied by anyone into doing anything else.
On the other hand. The ‘pull out’ method isn’t a method, it’s a complete fantasy. If you’ve done that for 11 years then there’s something wrong with your Exs swimmers. That should be evident by the fact it’s only taken 2 months with a new partner for you to get pregnant. Please get educated and speak to a sexual health nurse or a family planning service or whatever your country offers because not only is this not going to stop you from getting pregnant, it’s not going to prevent STIs. There are plenty of contraceptive methods that don’t involve taking a pill everyday or taking hormones. There’s something for every situation but ‘pulling out’ isn’t one of them. Precum is a thing and yes it can get you pregnant.
I hate to say this but your logic is completely correct. Abortion sucks but sometimes it’s necessary. Honestly I suggest you rely on your friends if possible and not tell him
I’m so sorry you are having this experience right now. I completely support your decision and understand the rationale behind it. I do want to advise you, though, to not continue using the pull-out method with this new beau. The reason it worked with your ex is because he must not leak semen during sex, but many, many men do. They can pull out for the orgasm, but that doesn’t prevent the swimmers who leaked out earlier from getting to your egg.
I wish you the best of luck. You’re doing the right thing for you and your son.
What happens after the abortion? Are you going to use contraception each and every time you have intercourse? Or are you going to be a 31-year-old who can’t be responsible?
Condoms for life seriously… so so so many people lie or cheat or never get tested. Do not ever trust someone to pull out and do not have unprotected sex in any hook up or new relationship.
Abortion is healthcare and it’s always ok to have one. I support you fully!
after already going through a divorce and breaking the home my baby was born into
You’re not breaking a home, you’re building him a better one. A home with fear and danger brought on by any kind of abuse is not a good home for a child (or for anyone). You did the best thing for your son.
Thank you. I needed that reminder.
Not that you need it but I support whatever choice you make; it’s a shit situation all around and whatever choice you do make will be extremely, extremely difficult either way.
What you need is grace; not from any of us, but from yourself. Try not to castigate yourself - you are human, and we are all fallible.
The situation is shitty, but anybody who shits on you over this can go squirt their dysentery-laden verbal diarrhea into the void of the interwebs outhouse. Or they can go fuck themselves. Either way, they get no way.
Sending so much good juju and so many go-go-gadget e-hugs your way, and I'm sorry you're having to go through the pain of making this decision. You are not alone, you matter, and it fucking sucks that you're hurting. ❤️
I appreciate you so much. Thank you for this 🩷
You will make the choice that is right for you. Be extra kind to yourself.
I wish you the best of luck OP. I trust you know what’s best for you, and as a mother, for your boy.
I have to say though, you say your current partner of 2 months is wonderful & currently its rainbows and sunshine together. I moreso see that he couldn’t give you the respect, care & thoughtfulness by wearing protection for himself & for YOU. No responsible, intelligent and mature man would have unprotected sex with a partner he cares about & sees a potential fruitful future with.
We were both aware of the risk. We discussed it. We are both a bit impulsive and not always thinking with our brains. Probably part of why we have so much fun together. But we discussed that these parts of ourselves may be doing more harm than good and we are going to be smarter moving forward.
I’m glad. Please think of your boy before being impulsive with a new partner. He still should’ve been respectful and mature to know to not to have unprotected sex with you. Especially if he loves you and understands the vulnerability of being a single mother with a young child. He still was selfish and thought with his dick at the end of the day.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
It's okay to grieve, you're making a decision for yourself and it sounds like you've thought this through deeply. You're right, 2 months is too short of a time to really know someone. Even if the person turns out to not be abusive, 2 months is barely knowing someone. Terminating a pregnancy is a hard decision, no matter the reason, and I hope you are able to recover smoothly with lots of support. I hope you have folks around you who can be supportive, and if you know people won't be judgmental, I wouldn't let shame be a barrier to opening up to loved ones. Have people in your corner who care about you, and I wish you lots of luck in this difficult process. You are not a bad person for any of these decisions.
As far as my current boyfriend, he has been extremely remorseful and assured me that he supports me and my decision 100% with either choice I make. We both want to have a family so he’s willing to do that if that’s what I think is best. But he is also 100% in support of me terminating. He has been so incredibly gentle and supportive and I feel grateful he is the one I’m going through this with. I know if we are meant for each other this will only make us stronger and will make a future pregnancy much sweeter.
This reassures me the most. When you got to the part about "I'm going to use protection beforehand", I was wondering what he would think to that -- and now I see that at least right now, he is supportive of what you need to do. It's sad that we have to think about what men will do to us if we assert our right to not be impregnated, but there you are.
Yes he is in full agreement that we need to use protection. This is his first experience with this as well, as every relationship before had some form of BC method in place. Thank you for validating that he seems to be a good one.
You are both really dumb for not talking about BC at all before having sex, each assuming that the other would deal with it. Could be understandable if you’re 25, not when you’re 31.
You do what you need to do to live your best life and be a great mom to your kids.
Girl you take care of you. All my love.
While the majority of men have no sperm in their precum a minority do. The sperm count for the ones that do is such at if the precum volume was the same as normal semen volumes 2.5% would get a partner pregnant in a year. But the volume is so tiny that while the chance isn’t zero it is small.
This typically means that failures like this come from the man remaining inside or from semen running down or otherwise to the vagina.
So you kind of need to factor in the trustworthiness of your partner. Was there a level of intent, a total disregard for your body, or such.
He was a master at the pull out method and I simply never had to worry about it with him
There is no such thing as being master at a high risk method that is one of the least effective ways to prevent pregnancy.
You need to use actual preventative methods like IUD or condoms or spermicidal gels or a combination of all of these or more in order to think you have any chance of preventing pregnancy.
Not to mention preventing STIs which has a mostly different series of options for protections.
It is a strange grief but it is grief.
There will be time and space and home for another baby in your life, but not today.
Having a termination is a difficult and painful decision, but that doesn't mean it's not the right one. If I was in your shoes, I would do the same thing. It's ok to do it and be safe about it. One of the responsibilities of being a woman I'm afraid. You know what the right thing to do is, trust yourself on this one. Children are not to be taken lightly. And you've just got separated, give yourself a chance!
It's a fetus at this point not a baby.
It's your choice. I would choose the same.
I met my boyfriend (now fiancee) in July 2022, made it official in Septmeber, and got pregnant in October. I was so scared to tell him, but I did. I had the same feelings you did, but I knew I would never forgive myself if I got an abortion after he told me he wanted to keep the baby.
He's been the most wonderful father to our daughter. I couldn't have been more lucky. I was 25, and I tried getting pregnant with multiple people before this guy. Never worked. I don't know why it happened so fast, what changed, but I couldn't be more grateful that it happened with him.
That's my story, but this one is yours. Weigh everything, and only do what you are comfortable living with. Wishing you all of the best.
Edit to add: I was on birth control (2 weeks) when we had sex for the first time. Docs said after a week I would be protected, but obviously not.
OP, there is absolutely no shame in choosing to abort. It's your life, and you are entitled to make the best decision for you.
Take care of yourself.
It seems like you are making the decision that you know is right for you, even though it's hard. Feel whatever you have to feel, it's okay. But know that it is not stupid, and it is not shameful. You ask us to be gentle, but I think maybe you also need to be gentle with yourself <3
You're not stupid and you haven't done anything wrong. You're making the best decision you can in these circumstances. It sounds like it's also a decision that helps you be the best mom for your son — and be able to take care of yourself at the same time. Please show yourself some compassion.
If you need help getting an abortion, r/abortion is here for you. <3
Your body, your choice. No shame. Love from an old lady in Texas. 💜
Please do what you feel in your gut is right for YOU!! Please! I wish I had the same strength as you. I got pregnant after dating my now husband for only 5 months. Pull out method does not work because pre cum can get a woman pregnant too. I didn’t know that but it does happen and I’m one of the people it’s happened to. We have a 10yo son now. I will be 32 next month. I thought about termination because I was only 21 but my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, seemed happy about it. Which looking back I wonder if it were done on purpose. Anyways, turned out he is emotionally/mentally abusive. Never physical but there were a few times I thought it was going to be that way. He punched holes in walls instead. He has gotten better over the years but that’s probably because I have lost myself so much I’m just a quiet shell now. I stay quiet and tread carefully. It’s about survival now. Anyways, terminate if that’s what you feel is right. I’d hate for you to be stuck with another psycho and another child involved in this awful world.
Don’t let the do gooders tell you otherwise. They aren’t you and they don’t even know you. Their opinion doesn’t matter, hell, even though I agree with you, my opinion doesn’t matter either. What matters is what YOU feel is right for YOU. We are humans, sexual beings. Do not feel ashamed. There are far worse things you could have done and there are far worse things in the world. Ok. You’re ok. virtual hug from one momma to another. I got you in my thoughts love.
Aw babe. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Whatever choice you make is okay. And it’s going to be okay. And I want to remind you that if this IS the guy, and he really is wonderful and great and everything you want, it’s probably a really good thing to give the relationship a chance to grow before you add the complication of raising a child together. And then if it’s great, and he turns out great, you can choose to have a baby when you’re both ready. Not that you can’t do that now, but maybe give yourself and him a chance at happiness, without the immediate complication of a new baby. ❤️
I think, whatever choice you make, it will be the right one. Only you can know what's right for you.
I know right now you're feeling ashamed of yourself, but remember: you're not alone in this. Countless women have walked this same path before you, at the same time as you, and will walk it after you. It's hard, but it does get better.
Just on the unprotected sex part - whatever "guilt" you're feeling, it should be equally felt by the guy too. Like the guy knows the consequences too. Just to say it's not solely on you! Good luck with everything!
Good luck ! I’m glad your new boyfriend is so supportive of you. Sorry this surprise happened so soon into the relationship
You're making the right call. I had an accidental pregnancy with my first, very young, and it was a major reality check about what was involved in being a good parent. I also had a termination later with a new partner. You know these facts now, you have a child. You are aware of what it takes to parent one, and be a good partner to somebody that is pregnant. If you don't think you have that right now, it is absolutely the right choice for you. Think of this as a gift, that you regretfully cannot accept.
I terminated a pregnancy when I was 2 months into a relationship with my now husband. We have a 7 month old now and I 100% feel like I made the correct decision.
Best of luck ❤️
Girl I’m happily married with 2 kids and I did not hesitate to call up PP and get an abortion last year. There are so many factors that go into deciding to continue a pregnancy, and choice of partner is just one of them. Trust your instincts. You’re making the best decision for yourself, not just here in the present but for the rest of your life.
I had a surgical abortion decades ago long before medication abortions were available. I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I went to the clinic by myself because I didn't want my boyfriend or any other friends knowing about it and trying to stop me. Looking back it was surprising how easy it was to do that. Everyone working at the clinic was so nice, professional, and supportive. I chatted with and got to know other women also receiving care that day and we all supported each other. I don't remember a single name and many of the faces I remember are blurry now after 30 years but I was so moved by how everyone was so sweet and empathetic.
I know this is a difficult choice for you but I think you're making the right decision and I have no doubt you'll be strong getting through this and make an even better mom for your son. I wish you all the peace, comfort, and love that you need to get through this.
You need to do what's right for you. If that means terminating, then that's what you should do.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think having this abortion will give your current relationship a chance to grow and strengthen at the appropriate pace, without rushing. You will be able to mother another child in the future, if you choose.
You don’t have to apologize. If this is the best choice for you, it’s a no brainer. Sounds like you’re secure in your decision and I wish you all the best!
I had an abortion in college. Then 10 years later became a mom to my daughter.
I felt so much guilt about my abortion for years. Now, my feeling is, abortions rock. All the guilt I felt was so unnecessary. I wasn’t ready to be a mother, a safe procedure made it possible to take on the responsibility when I was capable of handling it.
If you like this guy, have a kid with him later, when you feel certain he will be there for you both, not now when he has shown already that he is willing to make you take on the risk of getting pregnant without considering the consequences to you or himself.
I support your decision ❤️
Great choice! I would do that too 100%
Hugs
Give this new relationship the best chance it can, and don't put the pressure of a baby onto it so early on. Doing so would absolutely cause it to fail. The foundations simply aren't there.
You're doing the right thing.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but everything will be okay 💕 And I’m glad to hear your boyfriend is being supportive of any decision, that’s good that you have a person close to lean on during this time. I wish you the best of luck.
Have you considered getting a copper iud? They prevent pregnancy and aren’t hormonal. Sending hugs💕!
I'm devastated for you too, as a mom myself. Also, you shouldn't have to ask people to be gentle with you, as in, I hate that people have to be such narrow-minded judgmental sphincters that that even has to cross your mind.
The one kinda weird pro though is that at least because we have the uterus, we never have to go through the existential horror of getting someone else pregnant, especially if we don't know how we feel about them.
Your choice absolutely makes sense. And no, it's never easy.
You have to do what is best for you.
Love and hugs to you. I wish you emotional and physical comfort during it all.
First, your decision is yours alone. Your feelings both good and not so hot are valid.
But, my question is, have you told him about the pregnancy and your decision? I don’t ask because I think he has any say in the decision (because he doesn’t) but rather that it may be an opportunity for you to learn more about his true self in a quick manner. He may support you, and I truly hope he does. But, if he’s not supportive and how he shows that, can tell you a lot and help you decide if you even want to keep the relationship in the first place. Knowing his stance on your right to bodily autonomy will tell you exactly how he will support you in any other aspect of life. Knowing how he responds to his own grief and internal conflict will show you who he is and if he is able to manage his emotions, avoid emotional manipulation and abuse, and whether or not he is someone who says one thing when calm but then flips 180 when in a conflict (ie says he’s fine with it but then when you argue about something small latter on he throws it in your face), and so much more.
Additionally, not discussing it with him now may be evidence that you don’t trust him. You may not recognize consciously micro aggressions you’ve clocked subconsciously that give you intuition or make you feel unsure about sharing. And, if that’s not the case, he may feel betrayed or untrusted learning about it long after the fact. My friend’s parents split about that when we were in middle school (and she had an older brother). I’m sure it wasn’t the only reason they split, but it probably made all the other smaller issues seem exponentially larger.
I will probably edit to add this bc it seems like a common concern regarding my boyfriend. I did tell him right away. He told me he supports me and my decision 100% with either choice. He has shown tenderness and compassion that I don’t think I’ve ever received from a man. So I feel very grateful to have him be the one to go through this with. Thank you for your support and thoughtful response.
You’re getting help to stop a process you don’t want happening in your body. It’s healthcare. It’s really, really okay. Barbaric not to have access to it.
It sounds like very much a reasonable and right choice for your life. I’m sorry that you’re in the position to have to make the choice but ever so grateful that it is an option!
If you and he are meant to be, there will be other chances.
I had an abortion many years before I had my daughter, and then many years after she was born, ended up taking the morning after pill as a precaution after an accident that could have led to a pregnancy. The second one was harder, in a way, because like you now, I understood how much joy my child brought me.
Yes. I think had this been my first pregnancy it may have been a less difficult decision. I didn’t feel connected to baby like I already do to this one bc I know the potential love and happiness this baby would bring. But being selfish isn’t in my nature.
take at least a couple of years to recover, you are a domestic abuse survivor
Best wishes. As others have said, definitely investigate birth control and if you do not plan to have further children regardless of what may change in the future, consider sterilization.
If you live in a state where abortion is not accessible or you need resources to make accessing it more affordable, let us know because there are organizations that can help.
Sounds like you already know what's best and don't need any advice from us. Rest assured you're doing well, and making good decisions, if people would judge you on things like unprotected sex, I would ignore it, lots can happen in heats of moments and that's fine. I wish you all the best on your abortion and mourning, you've got this!
No judgment. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
I say this as someone who had an abortion, and it was right for me at the time. But had I known the toll it would take on my body, I wouldn’t have gone through with it. I was a few weeks along, less than 2 months and took the pills and for the next few days I wished my own death and it took about a year for other symptoms to lessen and other things never went back to “normal.” I still deal with the physical aftermath and it’s not something people really talk about. I fear it’s because people will think we feel guilty about the procedure and it’s not that at all.
Do your research. It’s a huge thing to go through.
I’m happy you have a supportive man by you through this.
I did the exact same thing in the exact same timeframe. No regrets at all. And now we’re engaged and both getting sterilised ☺️
i’m in agreement with you, and fully support your decision and your right to make it 💕 you know yourself best, so you know what decision will be best for you 🤗 do not beat yourself up or judge yourself, please 🙏 💕 you have already done such an extremely difficult thing by extracting yourself and your child from your abuser, i think you should give yourself mountains of credit.
I appreciate this very much. Thank you.
you’re welcome, honey 💕 it’s the truth; sometimes when we’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to trust ourselves, but trust yourself ok? 🙏💕
Might help to hear from someone who has been EXACTLY in your shoes.
Mom of one. Divorced. Dating dude for 2 months. Not in a great financial or personal place. Ex husband was beating the shit out of me in court on an extended custody battle and I had gotten out of a DV shelter a few months prior to the pregnancy.
We are happy coparents 6 years later and I couldnt imagine my life without this kid. I do way more work but I was always a single mom anyways. Pregnancy and birth looked a little different than they had with my ex but honestly the self sufficiency was gritty and empowering and I adore my daughter and it's way easier to do it when you're not being treated like shit all the time. Court orders with someone who's not a horrible person really help you not argue over kid stuff and it's nice to get a free weekend. We tried dating for a while but it wasn't right.
Fewer people whore shamed me than I thought but I could give a fuck about that anyways so it didn't matter much.
Get this. Covid hit my (now) husband and I start dating. Two forms of birth control fail. Mama when I have sex I just get pregnant. So six months in I am now pregnant the FUCK again! I've had sex with four people in my life and three of these dudes got me pregnant.
This relationship was meant to be so were happily married. He's a great stepdad to two kids and we love all the last names.
Whatever you choose, it will be ok. Just know if you're conflicted and consider keeping your pregnancy it can turn out awesome.
I’m just lurker here never comment but my wife and I were together two months before we found out she was pregnant. It’s been 8 years and amazing it has made me grow and just give her and kids everything I can emotionally and financially. I wish you the best and you will make the right decisions for yourself.
You are a rare good man!!! Bravo!! 🏆
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You realise condoms can fail and a person can become pregnant and still require an abortion right?
I ask this as someone who is absolutely against using the pull out "method".
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Where did I say any of those things? Your original post reds as though a condom is 100% effective which simply isn't true.
Yeah 1 month in is still honeymoon phase for a relationship. GL op you sound like a strong woman who will make the right choice for yourself!
You do what’s right for you. You seem to have a perfect understanding of the whole situation. You’re exactly right.
I had an abortion at 19w6d and it was the best decision I ever made. I actually had my son a few years prior to that, and because I couldn't/didn't want to raise him or have anything to do with kids at all, my mom adopted him and has been raising him for me. So, basically not only do I not want kids but it wouldn't be fair to pop out another kid when I didn't want to have my first one to begin with.
LOL at the people downvoting me, did I strike a nerve? Oh I'm so sorry! Not. Your downvotes stroke my ego thanks.
It's certainly your choice, and you have nothing to apologize for, but I don't see how it could hurt to talk to your new bf about it first.
When I started seeing my old gf, she had a baby just turning three. He's in college now and I still love him to death!
For what it's worth, I love the fact that you're thinking thoroughly about it and that you actually care about the outcome of what you do. This would indicate that you are doing the right thing. No shade from this end, and I wish you the best.
Have you considered abortion? Being single mom of one kid is hard, being a single mom of two kids one being of a fling seems near impossible
If you dont know what you need, you need to take some time to think. Make sure whatever decision you choose is the right one because you wont be able to go back. You still sound on the fence to me judging by some of your language even if youve pointed out where you are leaning. You should talk with others. Dont let them choose for you, but listen to what theyve said. How theyve processed. Try to find people to talk to in real life face to face too. Support is very important. And Im sure you know, but taking steps to ensure protection in the future is very important too.
If ending this pregnancy is what you feel is best, do it.
I’ll share my story, and it’s not to persuade you.
My husband and I were dating for probably about a month when I found out I was pregnant. We chose to keep the baby, we got married when she was around a year old, went on to have a son, he’s now three. And we are trying for a third baby. I have literally never been more happy in my entire life or in a better relationship .
Crazy, but we were fighting against saying I love you very early on. These are not emotions that I usually feel so quickly so it was pretty intense. Sometimes it’s ok to allow the love to grow. Sometimes that means not bringing a baby into a brand new relationship. I’m lucky it worked out like it did.
Hugs.
A note on the Mom guilt regarding your son: I’m a firm believer that children choose their parents. Be the best human you can be and your Mother of the Year trophy will arrive. It’s guaranteed!
My friend got pregnant at 34 with a guy who was 23 who were only dating a month and had just established that they loved each other. They’ve been happily married for several years now and he has stepped right into the dad role. I’m sure this isn’t typical but it could happen. However make the best decision for you!!
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You need to be using protection if you’re not ready for a child and haven’t known this man for long enough. I work for an STD clinic and the horror stories I hear from women whose boyfriends lie of their status would make you want to never have unprotected sex. It’s not to scare you or shame you, rather encourage you to be more proactive in using protection for your health.