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I’m a single mom and I’ve had similar experiences, too. A few months ago I ended up getting a bad eye infection. I drove myself to the urgent care and they sent me to the ER because they weren’t sure if the infection was behind the eye, which meant possible surgery. I had to wait at the ER and call several people to see if someone could come and watch my toddler while I got a ct scan. Eventually, a nurse came and helped watch her, but it was so scary not having that support.
Fellow single mom here, totally agree. What she is describing isn’t specific to people who have NEVER been in a relationship, just really anyone that is single at the moment.
Exactly!
If I am an elderly widow and I fall leave me. My time has come.
"Oh fuck, I don't wanna be found naked in the shower like this. How embarrassing. Better drag myself to the living room and get dressed so I can die with dignity."
Oh come now. Once you’re gone, it’s someone else’s problem now so I say screw dignity and go out with a bang!
I work for the ambulance service in the UK, taking 999 calls. Often have calls about the elderly who live on their own. One woman had fallen and broke her hip. It took her four hours to crawl to the phone to call for help. And when I told her that she possibly had over a 6 hour wait for an ambulance, she told me, "It's OK, I know you're busy." Then thanked me. I wanted to cry
6 hour wait for a broken hip? Holy hell man, how understaffed are you over there?
I work in an ER in Norway and the only ones that can end up having to wait 6+ hours in my experience are the code 2's and 3's (not immediately life threatening).
Can all depend on the day. It's not always that long, fortunately.
I live in America, im actually just trying to learn here, it takes 6 hours for an ambulance? How and why? Here there is city wide health care in most cities even small, and there are also private Healthcare business here and there, all with 24 hour call assistance. If I call they will be here in 10 minutes, to save your life and give you a bill that makes you want to end your life. But on a serious note how is it 6 hours?
Severe understaffing. The NHS is free, so fewer people are willing to go private due to the luxury of free healthcare. NHS doesn’t get funded as highly as it should, less pay for healthcare professionals, more quitting, longer wait times.
It used to be better but covid caused a massive hit to our system. It’s really poor at the moment (via no fault of the healthcare workers who are doing their best!)
For example, I called an ambulance last year for a 17 year old girl who was in the midst of a psychotic breakdown, cut up and down both her arms with a knife, and was smashing her head against the metal closing gate of a shop door. She was bleeding all over the place, a real wreck. After waiting on the phone to the ambulance for 4 hours; we had to give up and wake up one of our parents at 3am to come and drive us to the hospital because multiple ambulances frohe post is and she was getting worse and worse.
It’s a very unfortunate situation we’re in at the moment.
England is big on bureaucracy.
That happened to my great grandma; she slipped getting out of the shower, broke her neck, crawled to her room, got dressed and then called the ambulance cause she didn't want them to see her naked.
She recovered fine afterwards, she was a tough lady.
This is why I wanna get a D.N.R tattoo.
One of my MIL's neighbors died on the toilet, pants around her ankles. If I survive my wife I'm making a plan to keep that from being how I exit this mortal coil.
Good point and for some most if not all their family might have passed as well
i had a similar situation a few weeks ago. i was having one of the worst days at work and called my mom to vent. she told me she had a bad day because a package she was eagerly waiting for still didnt show up and my dad was going out with her to make her happy. i went home and ate ramen alone. that moment i realized i dont have that person to comfort me after such a day.
Similar experience. My mom opened up that she was going through an extreme depression. My dad was struggling to help my brother who is having some mental health/addiction issues. And I was suicidal. But I had nobody to go to. The burden of my problems would’ve made either of my parent’s lives immeasurably harder. But so would me dying. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt as stuck and alone as I did when I realized I couldn’t go to my parents and I had nobody else in my life who I felt comfortable enough with to divulge such vulnerable and deep information to, but I was on the brink of ending my life and I didn’t know if I could stop myself
I’m so sorry, that is a lot! Especially when your support system needs support too! Please call someone, even a hotline, to talk! Verbal expression to a friend or even a stranger, can be the start of putting things into perspective. You are worth more than you are seeing right now, and there’s no shame in asking for help! Please make the call!
Immediately call a hotline and/or a mental health professional. Then work with them to find an action plan to get a therapist. Please take care of yourself. You won’t be able to have a healthy relationship with someone until you start putting that hard work into yourself.
Happiness isn’t just a feeling. It’s a skill. It takes time to practice. To learn. To grow it in your life. You got this.
Couldn't this potentially make the situation worse? You're single, living alone, with nobody to depend on.
You call a mental health hotline and let them know how you feel. They order a 72 hour hold as you're a 'danger to yourself or others.' Your job fires you for not showing up and the mental health facility is probably underfunded/horrible.
Then they send you a bill for your stay and you lost your job/benefits.
American healthcare at its finest.
Immediately call a hotline
This is about the worst advice you can possibly give. People who call those lines are routinely assaulted by police. Many are even murdered. The police generally fave no repercussions for these crimes.
I'm in the same boat as you, internet stranger. You aren't alone, even when it feels like it.
How are you doing now? Do you want or need someone to talk to?
She seems very level headed and lovey. I hope she finds someone to share a closer bond with.
She does and I hope that for her too….
Some people are genuinely happy being alone. But for many, as self reliant and independent you may be, as much positive things you have going on in your life, the loneliness at times is just crushing…
98 - 99% of the time I am good with being on my own.
But when that 1 - 2% of the time hits it fucking hurts so much. It’s like I’m suffering from bipolar disorder where I can feel perfectly okay and then, almost instantly, feel just complete despair over how things in my life are.
I 100% relate. Like I have no real interest in a relationship 95% of the time, but then some days I just miss things about it so goddamn much and that typically tanks the night unless I find a good distraction.
In 12 days I will be hitting the 'milestone' that is my birthday again, it is going to be a lonely ass day again....
First birthday being alone in a long time coming up this month for me as well. Here’s to hoping it’s a little less lonely knowing there’s someone else going through the same
My birthday is in 14 days and it’s the first time in 13 years I’ll be single on it. Feels weird and totally isolating.
I hope you have a good birthday regardless.
Same to you, friend!
Yeah, this is me right now. And if you're in situations like this, meeting with friends doesn't really help to fight that loneliness, because it's not specifically about being lonely. It's about being lonely in times when people in relationships are not.
Like I can go shopping, to the cinema, meet with friends or whatever and I'm not alone. I can interact with people. But there will come a time, even if you invite friends over to your home and hang out that evening, when they will leave. And then you're alone, really alone. You are alone in bed, only with your mind. And that's for me at least the toughest time in those situations.
Absolutely agree with this, harder as you get older
I used to call that small moment of despair my monthly sob session where it hits me how I just want someone to talk to and to have someone who cares.
Sorry to hear that,just sending you best wishes 🙏🏻
This is me to a T. I’m working a new, better job, I moved into a better place, I was gifted a cute puppy, I’m saving up for a better car, and I’m surrounded by all these things in my room I like, but I get so lonely sometimes because I don’t have someone to share it with who’ll appreciate it on the same level I do. My best friend is the closest thing I have to a go-to person, but she’s a 4-hour flight away and too busy to text me back most of the time, so realistically she can’t do much. I’m making really good friends here but it’s just not the same.
I totally agree. I'm alright being alone, my life's going fine and I have a lot going for me. But damn it, coming home to an empty house every night with no one to greet me is the most soul-crushing and depressing shit ever...
I do to. Even a ride-or-die bestie. She says she has friends but I would fully drop everything and help out my bestie any time, day or night and have many times done so. Same vice versa. I don’t think we put as much love into friendships as we should, maybe in a way reserving that love for a significant other which is silly to me. Love is not a pie and you give two slices to one person and then only have one slice to give another. Friend love is very real and should be encouraged. Of course it’s no one’s fault if they don’t have a ride-or-die but it’s important to make yourself available for that love and allow yourself to ask for help from your friends if you need it. If they love you, it’s not an inconvenience.
The problem is that it is so hard to make adult friends, let alone a bestie.
Seems she is sincere looking for a relationship. If she looks for the right individual she should find a match. When I met my wife it took me about a week to realize that this is somebody that would be there through thick and thin. Took about another week to fall deeply in love.Been a good team for decades now.
I’m so glad you said that. I was so worried about what the comments would be. She is lovely and level headed, I agree.
As some who has also never been in a relationship, I felt everything she said.
Edit: I am thankful I still have my parents and brother around if something was to was to happen.
The biggest struggle I know that a lot of my single friends are facing is affordability of life.
Without roommates it can be a real struggle to afford housing and then your other basic needs.
I think the other really ugly side of this is that people in bad domestic situations can't easily leave because they don't have the finances for it in many cases.
Bummer to bring up I know but it is a reality of many and a problem with shelter being this expensive right now.
I keep trying to make the numbers work, but I don't think I'll ever be able to afford even a 1 bdr condo in my life unless I move to the middle of nowhere. But if I could just magically double the numbers, it'd be so much easier and I wouldn't have to rent forever. We're just playing on hard difficulty.
I realized some time ago that I could be a home owner by now if I was married with dual incomes. That’s more depressing than the lack of a love life.
40 & still single. Also roommate free. Thankfully I have a great relationship to my parents & they’ve been my go to for airport pickups, etc. But they won’t be around forever. I can’t think of any friend (who doesn’t live close enough to not take a plane to see me) I can call on. None of my coworkers/acquaintances are close enough that I’d feel comfortable calling them to drop me off/pick me up after a colonoscopy. & I’m getting to the age I need to start taking those tests. Any medical procedure where they drug you you’re not allowed to drive yourself, you can’t take public transportation & you can’t Uber/taxi/etc for safety reasons. So… do I just live at the hospital/clinic until I “sober up” then??? The world was not designed for single people!
You’d be surprised who would be willing to help. I slipped a disc about 2 years ago and once the adrenaline wore off from the gym I couldn’t walk, take my dog out, etc without crawling around and grabbing the fence to slowly walk. I finally went to the ER but they wouldn’t let me leave with my car since they gave me painkillers. Luckily one of my friends is just one of those people who wants to help others and brought me a sandwich and gave me a ride home. Then a couple days later gave me a ride back to the ER and followed me home to make sure I was fine. We live about 30 mins from each other. I didn’t expect anyone to help me out and I honestly would’ve taken an Uber, but when you’re going through something and sharing it with friends typically they will step up and help. I know I would return the favor.
Don't be afraid to reach out to a coworker or acquaintance for help every once in a while, as long as you uphold the expectation that you would also do it for them too.
I'm the kind of person who hates to ask others for help, and it's something I've been trying to get better at. It may be awkward and uncomfortable at first but most of the time other people don't mind as much as you think.
I’m single. I have friends who are single. We help each other out for exactly those things you mention. Airports. Medical procedures. Because we are single. Design your world to be single.
Design your world to be single.
Loneliness seems so prevalent I'm actually wondering if the gig economy will catch up to any kind of "Phone a Friend" app service. I mean, we already have driving services to get us places and grocery delivery and such. Why not expand that to other things like scheduling someone to pick you up from the hospital at a certain time? I'm guessing most would take issue because these things cost money of course. What a sad world we live in.
We do need this though especially if you've just moved somewhere new and you don't have that community as yet which can sometimes take years to build.
I had to get a colonoscopy awhile ago and found out the day before I couldn't just be dropped off and picked up later. They need someone to drive you there and stay there until you're done and then drive you home. Had to ask my roommate's brother to stay the night so he could drive me over there at about 6am and wait around a few hours.
One other thing about the procedure, the prep part the night before is the toughest part. Just plan to camp out in the bathroom. Put a TV in there or something. No point in leaving.
The actual colonoscop itself though was one of the easiest procedures I've ever had done. I've had worse blood draws. You just fall asleep in one room, wake up in another and feel rested like nothing happened.
You just fall asleep in one room, wake up in another and feel rested like nothing happened.
They put you out for it? When I had mine I was awake the entire time. Didn't even have any pre-med to calm me. It was a bit painful (they fill your colon with air which can feel like a painful bout of gas), but not really a big enough deal for a general anaesthetic (and all it's potential complications).
Ah - perhaps that was it then. I hear a lot of people say they were sedated for their colonoscopy - always surprises me because my procedure was uncomfortable but no big deal. Maybe I had a sigmoidoscopy then.
I will say that the world isn’t friendly to being a loner, but it can totally work for single people if you foster the right relationships. Your parents are great supports, but you can also make friends who can be that support, that stability. It doesn’t have to be only partners and parents!
I lost a parent suddenly as a teen, had no success dating, and had issues with my surviving parent that made them not a good supporter. I thought the only solution was finding a boyfriend but I could not.
Eventually I realized you can make friends who are your go-to person. I truly needed to realize this, because honestly I couldn’t have carried on without a go-to person and I was having no luck dating.
I now have two friends who have both really been go-to people for me. One is my hometown best friend (like a sister to me) and we always are that person for each other when living in the same place (we both recently graduated college and moved back home and she’s single so I’m still that person for her, and my boyfriend is slow to becoming independent from his family so she is often that person for me still!).
At college, I made a friend who was my go-to person at college. I was carless and she was able to give me a ride when I really needed it, got me soup when I was sick, the works! And I supported her similarly! She actually did have a boyfriend but he was back in her home state and she needed someone close.
Historically a lot of people had a same sex friend or two whom they were very intimate with in a non-romantic way, and this friend/these friends were who they could rely on. These days this responsibility mostly falls on people’s partners, but it doesn’t have to be that way!
It took me some time to successfully land dates and so I used to regularly lament the apparent fact that it was was hard to be single. Staying up at night thinking life would be easier with a boyfriend.
But once I realized you can find support and intimacy in friends, not just lovers it made a world of difference in my success and happiness. Being single isn’t too hard if you’re single but not alone. It also actually makes dating easier if that is still what you want. It’s normal to not want to be alone, but struggles with dating don’t have to doom a person to be alone.
Forming the supportive friendships takes asking for help, asking for support, asking to be close in this way to your friends. Which is very intimidating. But the risk is worth the payoff; it’s worth it to not be alone!
It’s tough out there but from what I’ve seen it’s never too late to make these kinds of friendships.
Good luck with finding more support, and cherish that you have parents who can be there for you!
I've been this friend. I'm married but even my husband knows if someone calls me for help and I can drop what I'm doing, I'll be there. I've picked up kids from daycare for one of my single parent friends, gotten a call at 3 am to rescue another after they hit a deer, and have driven people all over.
It does take work and finding the right friends to help. I think an important aspect is finding people who volunteer in general. If someone tends to like helping volunteer for community projects they are probably more likely to be willing to put themselves out there to help friends. Because helping just makes you feel better. Maybe it's just me, but I would think the crossover is pretty large.
Funny you mention volunteering because I had not considered that, but yeah actually me and my go-to friends are the types to have done volunteer work! We have all done multiple types of volunteer/community service work. I think helping others has also helped all of us deal with the fact that we had a lot of trauma in childhood, too.
I hadn’t considered the connection before, but I bet you are onto something there 🤔
And yes, like you said, being married doesn’t exclude you from being that person for a single friend!
Wait what? Why can't you take an Uber/taxi/etc.?
A lot of procedures (colonoscopy) require sedation and you may be allowed to arrive by taxi or car service but have to come with an adult who can be in charge of you in case of a medical emergency. If something goes wrong during the procedure they will need to go to the hospital with you. If you take a lot longer to fully come out of sedation they have to be able to stay with you and help you home. A medical facility can't just put you in a taxi alone. It's a liability. They will cancel your procedure or put it on hold until the accompanying adult arrives.
*Source- parent has worked in a gastroenterologist office for decades and has rescheduled patients due to not having an accompany adult (cannot be a teenage minor like their child).
No, you cannot. I have a lot of these medical appointments and they will specifically state No Uber or taxis. I’ve had to do a lot of negotiation with my doctors. One agreed to not give me the sedative that bans me from driving and, if pressed enough, a doctor will give you a list of STS authorized medical transport. Not cheap but not much more than an Uber.
At least you're patient. Seen people go from relationship to relationship immediately after each breakup. Being in a meaningless relationship will only hurt you more than being single.
I literally have two friends, one is single like this girl, the other one jumps from relationship to relationship. From observing them over the years, the guy who’s jumping from relationship to relationship is overall happier with his situation, than the guy who can’t make a connection with the girls. I am also sure that the guy who doesn’t have a relationship would switch places with the guy who jumps from relationship to relationship, but not other way around. The guy who’s alone looks to be suffering a lot more than the one who’s a serial dater.
There are two types of “serial daters”. One is someone who knows themselves and sets appropriate boundaries around what they want and what they’re ok with. This person will be happy with their choices to end a relationship.
The second type of person is one who uses relationships to fill a hole inside them. This person doesn’t know themselves very well at all and probably runs when things get too “good”. The second person is definitely one who should not go from relationship to relationship until they work on themselves
Yeah, pretending that having had multiple relationships means they’re “meaningless” is some crazy cope. “I’m actually better off alone than those people jumping from relationship to relationship.” Weirdly sanctimonious too.
Interesting because I feel like it’s the opposite for women. The single women I know tend to be really happy and stable, while the serial daters all seem less happy and have rockier emotional lives
Yea, being chronically single has many downsides. One of which is indeed not having a go-to person. A couple of years ago I got sick with no family, and no "real friends" around, just me in my apartment on winter break from college. I was basically bed ridden for three days and all I could really think was "dang, I have no one to call if this gets any worse, and no one is going to find me if I die here for at least a month." I had just enough energy to crawl to the kitchen once or twice a day, refill my water bottle snd grab some pain relievers, then crawl back to just shiver in pain and sleep. I didn't eat besides a couple of saltines to go with the pills and barely drank enough.
I've also had my crawl to bed moments, drive myself home injured or tired moments. It kind of sucks, and I think the feeling of not wanting to burden others really doesn't get enough attention when talking about being alone. Everyone else seems to have grown up, moved on, found somebody to be with, whatever, but here we are just trying to go on in life without anybody as a go-to person.
Being independent is nice, not having someone to rely on you takes a weight off, but to me it feels like equal parts not having anyone that relies on you and not having anyone to disappoint or burden.
There's a lot of comments in here from edgy kids putting the blame on single people for being single and for not having enough 'ride or die' friends... Single adult life is more complicated than that.
I moved to a foreign country about a decade ago and have no family here. I am chronically single and while I do have and make wonderful friends, I live in a very transient, party city. A lot of friends move away after a few years and the rest have busy work/night lives.
Some years ago I was living with friends who are a couple. I got hit by a car and couldn't walk for 2 weeks. I had to drag myself to the pharmacy to buy a crutch and drag myself to the ER to scan my foot, all alone. Still had to go to the supermarket for groceries and cook for myself like a crash test flamingo. Which is all fine, but a few months later, my friend twisted her ankle at a party and couldn't walk- I lent her my crutch and her boyfriend did everything else for her: bought her a second crutch, cooked her dinner, drove her to the doctor, picked up her prescriptions. It stung to hear her go on about how much easier it was with help while I had been left to struggle on my own, without any offers of help.
Last year, I was vomiting blood and even though the ER is just down the street, it's in a part of the city full of thieves and pickpockets. I didn't have the energy to not look like a sick victim while dragging myself to the ER, but also wasn't going to call an ambulance or a taxi to literally take me down the street. I had to suck it up and ask in my board game group chat if anyone happened to be available to accompany me and luckily, I had two friends come pick me up and stay with me in the waiting room. I also spent hours feeling bad about ruining their night and inconveniencing them and apologizing, in tears, for relying on people who've never asked for help in kind.
When you have a good partner, you have someone to share life's burdens- to help carry yours and to repay in kind when they're struggling. You have the person to call when you see a man crossing a busy road, hit by a truck, and dismembered in front of your face. You have someone to hug you when you've just been followed four blocks by two thieves who tried to jump you in the door of your building. There's no mental rolodex of "who can handle this information without complaining or blaming you, who gives good hugs, who's not going to try and demand transactional sex in return, who's not working or busy with other friends/SO or just plain flaky?"
Obviously, being single is better than being with a bad partner who will offer none of this support anyway. But being in a good relationship ought to give you a pillar of support when you really need one.
Bro where do you live, Gotham city?
I have been in full blown relationships where I still didn’t have a go-to person. I got my wisdom teeth removed with only local so I could drive myself home, drove myself to the hospital in labor. Obviously that relationship didn’t last, and I value myself more now to the point I wouldn’t be in a relationship where someone wouldn’t help. But yeah, happens to the best of us.
This was one of the biggest reasons I ended a 10-year relationship; there were multiple occasions when I needed help from my go-to (live in partner) and he was oblivious, unhelpful, whiny, or generally made me feel worse in moments of vulnerability. The original video is bang on but lol you can also be coupled and get the same lack of consideration!!
Totally, and you can’t ask for help without exposing that your partner is letting you down. I was young and stupid, never again. Did get some great kids out of it though who are now adults and fantastic to their partners.
Yeah..... Been alone for six years.. it can suck. So much.
Hang in there bro. Things will work out for ya.
Lost my wife 13 years ago due to addiction. Had a few relationships until about six years ago. Seemed harder and harder to find anyone. I am now early 50s. And as she points out having someone there makes a difference. Had several issues and had no one to help out. Did not help I was living in rural mountains in Pacific north west. Now living in a small City. But you make do and keep living life.
Sorry for your loss.
26 years here!
At least you get buckets though
Forever been single, 40m, here. At one point last year, I got my head busted open at work and had to get stitched up. Was taken to the hospital by ambulance so all my stuff was still at work and didn't know how long I'd be at the hospital and how to get back to work, which was only like a mile away but my clothes were completely covered in dried blood by the time I got out like two hours later. While I was in the hospital, I texted two of my friends that lived close by to see if they could pick me up but they were both working. Luckily I got out before the store I worked at closed and was able to get someone from work to pick me up and bring me back there so I can get my stuff and go back home.
Like, even if I had a room mate, it's still not the same as have a "go to person" that is there for you.
Surprised to see the comments here…
I would consider myself to be chronically single until I got married at age 36. I had many relationships before that, but most didn’t last very long, and many were long distance. I also lived most of my adult life as an expat in a country/ies where I had no family. So I had to be pretty self reliant. I have never had anyone drive me to the airport or take me to the doctor. A few times, I had to Uber myself to ER in the middle of the night… wasn’t a big deal because I lived in big cities where this was relatively easy to do. But yes, the loneliness is REAL.
This woman articulated a real issue that is not really talked about…
“Chronically single” “I had many relationships”
🤥
My relationships lasted on average 2-3 months, and I had years of being single between them. Most times when I was in relationships they were long distance. To summarise, I was single for 90% of my adult life. 80% of 10% of time that I was in a relationship, was with someone who lived in another country, mostly in some country half way across the world from me.
I get what you're saying but I think what OP is referring to is people who have never been in a relationship. Like at all. I have to assume the experiences are different.
Yes, admittedly true…
Teasing you a bit here, but I think it's amazing that you went from chronically single to married all in your 36th year. XD
They seem to have a very interesting definition of chronically single though.
Yeah, their description was more “frequently single” than “chronically single”
“I’m chronically single but I had multiple relationships and then got married”. If that’s chronically single then shit i don’t even wanna know what I’m considered
I’m a nun based on her definition
I think it’s often talked about but not necessarily in a positive way. Incels complain about it plenty but are usually unpleasant for example. Normalizing the struggles of someone single without turning it into a blame game is difficult
She never talked about reasons though. Just her experience.
It's because incels are real and they're wild. But a lot of people don't understand the difference.
It's when you begin blaming everyone else for your own problems, acting as if you're entitled to romantic interest, even in a total lack of self awareness. That's the start.
I would suggest this woman is on the safe side of the line.
Not an expat, you mean immigrant. I’m British and I’m so fucking fed up of the word expat. The racism in this country is off the scales and I want to call things out for what they really are. Not your fault, not blaming you but we can’t seem to act all superior when we decide to live in someone else’s country and have a special name for it unlike the darker skinned people, we just call them migrants, economic migrants, freeloaders, etc…
Except you're wrong. They have two different meaning and are used for two different situations.. An expat is someone who moves temporarily to another country. And immigrant is someone who moves permanently to another country.
Judging by the spread of English all over the world, a lot of them never returned.
I'm pretty sure you can thank colonialism down to that. Considering an English speaking country controlled a majority of the world at one point.
But they’re most often used incorrectly, regardless of time spent in the foreign country, in exactly the way described there: white people are expats while brown people are immigrants. It maintains the narrative of free traveler vs fleeing refugee.
Exactly the distinction I was making…
You are right. The word expat has negative connotations now, and rightly so. However I wanted to more accurately describe my immigration status and hence used the word. As a child in the Middle East (a child of a work permit holder) and as work-permit holder in Singapore, I was NOT an immigrant in those countries. My immigration status did not confer any permanencies or benefits an immigrant enjoyed. However in Canada and now in the US, I am/ was indeed an immigrant being a permanent resident.
Edit - I am also NOT a white person.
It can be tough. I have friends and roommates to help me out. Like one time I cut my foot open by dropping the grease jar on it and had to be taken to the hospital, get stitches, got a ride to work from my friend at work since I couldn't really take the bus anymore.
But when my dad died, and my brother killed himself soon after, I had to fly back home on my own twice. Hadn't seen or really talked to my family in 15+ years. It was hard to do all that on my own. But I got it done I guess.
Honestly, that’s really sad.
I suppose maybe because I am aromantic asexual, and planning to grow old alone, it’s not a struggle to me. More like small inevitable problems that will happen, perhaps several times in your lifetime. You just plan ahead to make things easier to you.
Same, except I do want to have some sort of platonic committed relationship at some point. Kinda like marrying your best friend, except it never turns romantic. It's sad though because people typically see platonic love as inherently weaker and less important than romance.
Same! I'm in my mid-30s and live with my dad. We're both happy with our living situation. I've lived alone but I ended up struggling too much with my mental health, so I realised I do need other people. I just don't want a romantic relationship.
My best friend and I live on opposite ends of the world but I do picture us living together one day. She is also mid-30s and lives with her mum. I think we will need each other when we are older.
Same. I mean, it is kinda inconvenient and I'd welcome qpr which would fill this gap in my social life but it doesn't make me lonely or distressed.
I suppose for aroaces it's different because it's just a small price we are willing to pay for living the life we want but if you long for a romantic partner in the first place every small problem and inconvenience will just remind you of this longing. For aroaces it's just balancing positives with negatives and for allos it's all negative.
Or just have someone that doesn’t view you in a romantic or sexual way be someone you can trust and be there for you in troubling times. I feel yall are admitting yall wouldn’t help your friends/family because you aren’t fucking them or romantically invested into them. Making lasting relationships isn’t exclusive to SOs, don’t blame your loneliness on being single, you are lonely cuz you can’t make any meaningful connections. The healthiest relationships I know involve relying(or not being afraid to ask for help) on many different people, not just one, being your SO. Seriously sounds like alot of people are too clingy and have attachment issues.
You're not understanding. It's not about willingness to help. It's about commitment. Friendships, no matter how good, are by default not committed relationships. You can make platonic relationships committed (e.g. by entering a QPR), but in that case you're not exactly single anymore. Good friends may be willing to help you, but they are not held by any sort of commitment to do so, and they will prioritize their romantic partner because that's who they're committed to.
What does it even mean to be committed, if not sexual exclusivity? Sorry if I sound callous, but I genuinely do not understand how that fits together?
It’s about the expectation. For example a good friend, no matter how good a friend, cannot make medical decisions for me. A spouse can and is often expected to. This is the first example that pops into my head. Or even medical bills. By default that is the responsibility of both people in the relationship. Not so with family and friends.
Have had a wonderful friend shower me when I was paralyzed and get my a female urinal and all kinds of stuff. Wonderful person and friend. Top tier. But also, the level of expectation and commitment is still not the same as in a committed relationship. No where near the same. Despite how intimate her help was at that time.
Many social services departments immediately ask about spouse, then family, then friends. But at a certain level spouse level commitment makes moving though this society easier. If you have a shit spouse it doesn’t matter so much, and I can rap about that but that’s another story. I’m just giving an example.
Obviously different from what she’s saying with the ankle, but I was only a year older than her when I became unable to care for myself, so it’s not out of scope of reality. When it became clear that my spouse couldn’t care for me it’s not like I then went to a friend’s house or something. I went to a nursing home. That’s the reality for many people in nursing homes.
Also chronically single but out of habit I'm terrified of getting into a relationship with anyone. A mixture of distrust, attachment to my autonomy and awkwardness towards sharing intimacy and commitment. Could get into a relationship but the fear of it surpasses any desire. Also, ironically, the guy I'd consider it with pays no attention to me anyway
Thank you for sharing this, I'm 29/F and never had a boyfriend, this clip described my situation perfectly. Just last week I used uber to get to the airport which is 15mins away from my house because I didn't want to inconvenience my parents in the morning.
Based on a ton of relationship posts I've been browsing through lately, it's much better being single than being miserable in a relationship. You could be constantly supporting your partner which can be exhausting on a daily basis vs. wondering about your "go-to" person. I understand on some level it's very different if you've never been in one but I honestly feel like I was never really worthy for being in one despite being in a few from a very long time ago.
Being single is better than being with the wrong person, but being with even a decent person is better than being single.
Being single is expensive as fuck. Rent on a one bedroom is is over half my actual take home income. But I'll take it over being trapped with a shitty person.
I often hear that settling is a bad thing but maybe I haven't heard many opinions from the older crowd (from where I'd think it would count). Maybe it's not so much the settling part but the realization later that life is fucking harsh and it's a miracle to find someone that can love you and at the same time support you (and vice versa).
Once you realize that you are capable of accepting someone else's flaws (to a certain extent, don't let anyone abuse you), you'll realize what love really is. Love requires accepting flaws and tbh that's part of the beauty of it. Anyone who tells you that there are no flaws that you're going to have to accept is under an illusion that they're living in a Disney movie.. Which is a lot of people, unfortunately.
My favorite quote; “you like because, you love despite”
We like someone because of their amazing qualities. We love someone despite their bad ones.
Yeah, I'm 27 and I would never take relationship/love advice from someone my own age unless I had no other option. We don't know what the fuck we are talking about yet are so convinced we do. Not to say older people don't get it wrong sometimes, but i often find that people with more life experience have way better advice. Meanwhile, it seems that people with less experience tend to guess and make shit up to explain their current situation, but like...with conviction (guilty as charged, it's just human nature to fill in the gaps to make sense of the world).
Ok, but my worst chronically single aggravation is zipping up a dress.
Damn. Somebody, go make a new dating platform for those of us that have never been in a serious relationship 😬 haha nah, everyone else got training and experience while the rest of us were busy with work, schooling, military, or other things; I’ve slept around a bit with different ppl but, honestly, it was only when both of us were drunk. I’d never hear back from them but also, i was also too ashamed to reach out to them. I have no game and I’ve never been in a serious relationship but maybe someday totally msg me ;) /s
As a person who was a serial monogamist for almost 20 years, and now widowed, this hits hard. I threw my back out in January and couldn't walk for six weeks almost, thankfully, I'd just gone grocery shopping and work from home, but it was so shitty, if it hadn't been for my dad coming to check on me, I'd have been SOL, I had to borrow his cane!
Hope you're doing better now?!
There is no guarantee that your romantic partner would do that without toxicity.
It's all a gamble.
You seem to have some real bad experiences. I can’t imagine a scenario where a partner would show toxicity if they have to drive their partner with broken ankle to urgent care!
You can just leave and find a partner who does do those things then
"Just"
Yes. You can just leave. It’s not easy, hurts like a band aid. But you can.
It depends. Finances being the most common barrier (there are others, including but not limited to co-parenting arrangements). I read a thing yesterday about an increasing number people breaking up but still living together because it was impossible to make the numbers add up (or - related - find suitable accommodation in cities where every apartment has 20+ applicants). I think we’ve hit the point, perhaps for the first time since the 1970s, where many partners simply cannot afford to “just leave”.
Financial stability, a shelter, access to their children, sometimes even literal life and death.
Getting out of an abusive relationship is not “like a band aid”. band aids usually don’t try to murder the people they’re attached to when that person tries to throw them away
I get what you’re saying— But this is an incredibly simplistic comment in regards to leaving toxic relationships— and abusive ones are all the more complicated. As someone else said in the comment: “band-aids won’t try to kill you” and, unfortunately, one of the leading causes of death for women is murder (most often by a current/former partner). Homicide (when taken into consideration for these statistics) is within the top 10 causes of death for women in the US: along with cancer, heart disease, stroke, and accidental injury.
Its possible but to say "just" leave shows little empathy/understanding about these relationships. Still important to emphasize that its possible to leave.
"just leave and find a partner who does"
I think you are missing the point friend.
Tbh I’ve never really thought of this as a guy, I just thought it’s what I gotta do🤷🏾♂️, it’s not as depressing as she’s making it sound cause I feel like it’s just another hurdle of life. If I ever meet anyone soon I probably wouldn’t ask them for help unless I’m literally dying so maybe it’s just a guy thing to not worry about this?
Some people are very lucky to have parents that support them beyond the age of 18.
Bruh you just don’t have good, real friends. I can call guys or girls, single or not, if I need help in dire times and I know they will be there for me. Why? Because that’s what real friends are for, you don’t need to be romantically invested into someone or be putting your dick in them for them to be someone you can reach out to and rely on.
I do have a few friends and family I can reach out to but I know I can deal with majority of my issues myself. The only ever time was when I couldn’t move at all because of a 103/4 F degree fever and I called my bro to help me out that day. Other than that, I’ll just put on some crutches or pop some ibuprofen and tell the boss I’ll be lagging a bit. I’m just saying it doesn’t have to be that dire, life will always be challenging and I have to be able to overcome the challenges myself first before I reach out.
I'm sorry to do this, but how old are you? This feels like a thought I would have in my teens and 20s, but in my 30s the expectation that any friend would ever be as "there for me" as my wife feels insane. It's not that they don't give a shit; it's that they all have their own families and jobs and whole lives and I just can't expect to be a priority to them anymore the way I would expect to be a priority to my wife and she'd expect to be a priority to me.
Yea that’s where it falls apart. In my twenties, I may have only had a couple friends, but we were all in relatively the same position and had time. Now all those friends are married with kids. Aside from just drifting apart because they’re too busy and having other responsibilities, I can’t / don’t feel right relying on them like that. Would they if it were a serious situation and I asked? Probably, but I know it’s a really big ask regardless what’s going on.
They're in their mid-20's , and I agree with you.
I agree
Usually we ask other dudes for help. I think most of us have at least one (hopefully). And yeah as a dude you’re not allowed to be lonely right. You just keep pushing on. Good luck out there dude. I never thought I’d meet my chick then I did. Single until 32. Married once and 50 now. 👍🏻
No you’re reading into it too much just like the girl is in this video. I’m not purposefully trying to be lonely, I just know my ankle will heal and I’ll just tell my boss I’ll be lagging for a while and it’ll be fine. Im not trying to invalidate that feeling it’s just I don’t have that feeling at all. Obviously when I had a really fever of 103/4 F and I couldn’t move I called my brother but that was really the only time I couldn’t fend for myself.
Don’t worry, there are plenty of people in relationships that feel just as lonely
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I've been single not all my life but for a stretch of 10 years. I've never felt this though. I've always had good friends I knew I could call.
She literally says in the video she has good friends she can call BUT —- go listen again and understand why it’s different from having a single “important” partner you can rely on for certain things.
She explained it pretty well so I feel like you just didn’t listen to that part
I did I'm just saying ive never had that issue. I've never felt like I would bother someone else. Or felt loney after a moment like that. And what I see is that she still feels like she can't really call her friend even ifbshe knows she won't mind.
I just think its a weird way to define a relationship.
I love being single. It’s extremely rare for me to feel lonely, but she’s right about having someone for convenience. Picking me up from the mechanic, watching my animals when I have to travel for work, having an extra hand to move something heavy or put something together. Those are times it does suck being single and having to rotate through friends for assistance.
Never understood people who think being in a relationship means you aren't an independent person.
Couple does not automatically equate to co-dependant.
Well being in a relationship is about inter-dependence, which is healthy, and not the same a co-dependence. It’s also not the same as independence.
I was single until my late 30s and this sounds absolutely unfamiliar to me. These thoughts never really occured to me. I just got used to not asking for help.
I had one really intense relationship for almost two years right out of high school, but we went to different schools so most of it was long distance but we were certain we were getting married and I drove to see her all the time. Our break up was ugly and I just haven't been able to put forth the effort for about fifteen years lol I cannot go through that again so I just don't do the first part. I haven't been completely celebate but nothing longer than a few weeks. It's weird tho, I don't really ever think about how different the lives are of a majority of the people around me I don't know many single people, they are all paired up and have been forever(my circle I mean, coworkers and friends and family)
I feel like this generation is going to have a lot of young women like this in the same or similar situation due to this need to be super extra on the “I’m a boss bitch” front all the time. Be empowered, seriously be independent as heck, but remember please, when you choose this new wave of in my opinion, self deception feminism that promotes success but completely negates personal human needs to be a BOSS, unfortunately will often create this. She isn’t ugly, she is educated clearly, can hold an interesting point of topic, buuuuuuuuut you go be miss independent because you deserve it!!!
Thanks for sharing all this, I had no idea.
I've gotten a call from a friend at 11pm or midnight and she said she didn't know who to call or what to do. She thought she was having an allergic reaction (her throat felt funny, like constricted). I told her call 911, she wouldn't bc insurance (was from a different country on student visa etc.) I hopped in my car picked her up, drove her to the ER, waited like 2-3 hours for them to tell her she was fine. Best story we have together. It's not an inconvenience if your my friend, it's just what you do!
You're good people and your friend is lucky to have you.
Yeah, I’ve had people react negatively to me saying friends, family, and relationships are just different but it’s true. I can love them to death but it’s not the same level of being there for each other that you’d get in a relationship. Also, just like her friend being away with her boyfriend, that’s a situation I also want to avoid. I’m seeing people say “you don’t need to get married, you just need good friends” like uhhhh no? What happens when those friends meet someone or decide to do something different with their lives? I’d be happy for them of course, but if we’re roommates, I’d have to find another roommate which isn’t ideal for me. That’s also not fair to be that dependent on a friend.
I’ve even seen people say friends can help you raise kids and I’m just like absolutely not. I can be friends with someone and disagree with parts of their lifestyle, parenting style, etc. Someone imprinting their beliefs and stuff on my child would be a completely different story and would likely end the friendship depending on the severity. Not to mention, putting myself in the (hypothetical) friend’s shoes, I would not help a friend raise a child. I would help them for sure, I would give them the last of my food if they didn’t have any, I would do what I can to help support them, absolutely! However I would not stop my life, my plans, or things I wanted to do for a friend’s child and I would never expect any of my friends, past, present, or future to step in and help literally raise mine if I ever have any.
It’s bizarre to me that quite a few people these days really believe you can replace romantic love with friendship. It’s not to say that friendship doesn’t mean anything because it definitely means a lot! It’s just not the same. Family and romantic love is more like you have to protect, you have to care, you have to help, you have to be there. It’s not “have to” in an obligatory way, it’s more instinctual like: “this is my (family member, spouse, child, etc.), why wouldn’t I do whatever it takes for them?” With friends, I feel like you get to choose how present you are— and so do they— which is a great thing but that cannot replace people who would go above and beyond for you (and you for them).
As someone who has been chronically single for the majority of my life, I completely understand how she feels. 🖤
Awwww man… this made me feel lonely and I’ve been married for 10 years. I’m gonna tell my wife I love her and appreciate her extra times this week
She 100% just described being a man.
Funny that you say that because I was thinking "huh what's the difference? with a sprained ankle I would just get into bed myself as well".
The difference to me is that I can talk about me problems with my SO, not that I call her up to do stuff for me. It's not like my girlfriend carries me to bed when I hurt my ankle. What else would somebody help you with at midnight?
Why do you say that? I feel like most of my guy friends are are so good to each other. One of em just drove 15 miles to deliver piss to another dude who had an impromptu drug test.
Exactly this - the more time I spend on Reddit the more I’m convinced I’m rarely responding to an adult.
100% even as a man in a relationship were expected to help our partner and everyone else around but also there’s a silent expectation for us to not have our own problems that we involve others with. The way she described her idea of having someone in a relationship felt more like having an emotional servant obligated to help you rather than a partner. It seems like her lack of experience with a relationship makes her have a false idea of what it’s actually like. Like her complaint wasn’t about lack of companionship or lack of intimacy… it was lack of someone to pick her up and carry her to bed when she physically couldn’t do it herself.
Is this an insight? Single people don’t have a partner to rely on, yeah of course. Also, people in relationships are still ‘independent people’, I know some single people feel the need to constantly reaffirm that they’re fine and empowered, but it shouldn’t imply couples are somehow not ‘independent’ people. There’s nothing wrong with either option.
I feel like people who are not in relationships may have a little bit of a skewed image of what relationships entail: specifically about having a 'go-to' person. I've been in relationships, as have many others, where the other person didn't earn enough/at all, so I was the one taking on that burden. Also, they usually never owned a car, so it would me being 'inconvenienced' to take them places. I had my fair share of crap mental health, but I ended up dating people with a lot more issues than me, so i was the one propping them up.
Don't get me wrong, I never complained and I try my best in a relationship, but I feel people who haven't had one don't realise that it should be/is a two-way street and can very likely add extra work in your life - it doesn't always make things easier.
I am surprised she’s single but I relate to everything she says.
I've felt like this before. I just happened to be married.
Never felt lonlier than when in a relationship. Made me realise being alone doesn't mean you're lonely.
I’ll take “pointing out the obvious” for $200 Alex
Erm I dunno sounds like a problem of having no community not a single thing lol
I wanna be her person…
Well tbh I don't expect any of these things from a partner. It's nice if they do but I would never expect my partner to chauffer me or help move my shit out of a basement
This comment section is wild. There’s this thing called being an independent human being where u deal with your own problems. A lotta men who aren’t even single still act this way because we handle our own shit, we don’t push it off onto our loved ones. It’s funny seeing ppl putting “being independent” on a pedestal for so many years but when it comes around to it, u making videos crying about when u sprained your ankle one day and no one was there to take care of u 😂😂😂 if a man made a vid like this, ppl would shit on him and say “he’s looking for someone to take care of him like a mother, not an actual partner”
If u pay attention to this vid, the only thing she talks about is the utility of a relationship, how useful that other person could be to her. Nothing about what she has to offer or what she can do to fix her situation. Nothing about giving back that same care and compassion that’s she’s craving. It almost seems like she views relationships as someone just doing things for her. If the genders were swapped, ppl would def be calling this out lmao
I was single until I was 29. I had no idea what I was getting into dating a women who was a few years younger than me yet was married twice and had a kid at 17. We have definitely gone through difficult times. Lots of patience required on both our parts to help each other through our weaknesses. I also can see how dating becomes harder when you are older. It’s like you just started riding a bike and your in a race with others who have been riding since they were 5.
This is a great video and reminder to be there for the single folk in your life. Also, she is smart and quite adorable and I hope if she wants a relationship she find someone equally great.
None of what she said struck me as "never have had a relationship" because those things simply happen again once you're single.
I would have expected something more like not knowing what a kiss feels like, how wonderful it is to doze off in someone's arms, those typical couple moments of both walking around in underwear for the whole day, sex obviously and so on. And how it's harder to relate to shows and movies showing relationships.
But what she said is just normal single life, no?
A ride to the airport or helping move are not minor things. They are major things
Plenty of people are in relationships with someone who would feel very inconvenienced by helping you when you are hurt. I was married to one. So, imo, better to cultivate key relationships with multiple people and not hope your chosen partner will help ya out forever.
She was gonna make someone drive over because her ankle hurt? Yikes
edit: The comment was removed, good work everyone!
Honestly looks like you post more than they do?
I wonder why she never had a boyfriend, I don't see anything wrong with her
I think it’s fascinating that she never mentions being someone else’s go-to person. Maybe that’s why she’s never had a relationship?
Ahhh you nailed why it felt weird to me.
She’s also putting too much weight on it having to be a romantic partner.
What if you have a partner but live in the city with no car? How does this situation change? The partner caters to her every want because her ankle hurts? What if the partner was gone on a trip?
Like her ankle was fine. Literally one night and it was better. Just cancel plans and stay in for the night.
Idk I just dont see how that’s not anything more than a part of life. Sometimes your body hurts and you gotta cool it.
If something is REALLY bad then call the friend. She’s projecting her feelings about not wanting to help her friends. For all she knows one (or more) of her friends would be more than fine coming over. Pop on a movie, make some snacks and chill.
Yall don‘t have friends? Been single for 3 years now, but I don‘t have any of these issues.
I do but they all live 4+ hours away and I haven’t gotten a chance to make real ride or die “call them at 12am for help” friends. I just have vague acquaintances.
Partners. In crime. In fun. In bad times and good. Partners ftw.
This feels like the original spirit of “incel”
Fascinating Reply All episode talks about how it was started by a lesbian in Ottawa. Had zero to do with angry insecure men. Was all about people who don’t have an SO or even casual hookups getting to hang out and not feel lonely.
Hope her ankle is ok.
No disrespect to her but this is so naive, a lot of people in relationships don’t have that and she is lucky to never have experienced this kind of loneliness.
Historically it has always been your family that did all these things for you.
I understand her wants but she should still remain realistic so she doesn’t end up in a bad situation out of loneliness.
Neurosis.
crazy thing is
this is how dudes are all the time but because our culture has for what ever reason penalized asking for help they just kind of deal with it
but yeah, not having friends, family, or an so makes life unbearable when you actually need someone else
She is also describing elderly widowed people and they are more likely to have falls, their friends may have passed on too.