Lesser known safety features in new cars
7 day trial then $9.95 per month. Unlimited turns
Don't give them any ideas!
But they get you with the proprietary blinker fluid!
"Oh neat, integrated dashcam. What's this button for?"
"Oh, that uploads your crash video straight to Reddit and emails your insurance to watch the thread. It's like /r/amitheasshole, but the verdict decides whether or not your insurance pays out."
"...I like those odds!"
"And this little vent here siphons off the smoke from vape pens!"
"Are you sure you want to take the drive past your ex's house?"
Now you can turn the ejector seat on or off, like you can with the passenger airbag. Premature ejeculations are down 63%.
"So you're saying a hand will actually reach up from the center console and slap the cell phone out of my daughter's hand when she's driving?"
This is the newly added ejection seat system. Whenever the system senses a crash, the system will activate, blasting the driver and passengers high in the air and away from the crash while parachutes carry them safely to the ground.
Reverse airbag, it erupts from your seat back during a crash to eject you safely through the windshield and out of the crumbling vehicle
The rear view mirror includes a virtual image of a police car so that it looks like you're always being followed by the police
“And when you pull this lever back, it opens up your seat into a discreet porta-potty for those awful days you’re stuck in freeway traffic for hours”
Worried about missing the next solar eclipse? Not to worry! The sunroof is laminated with the necessary UV protection!
Mirrors black out when car is in motion. The ladies cannot put on mascara while they’re driving now!
Had a mom in our carpool in elementary school who would do her eyes while driving. Her eldest daughter always sat up front and held the steering wheel during this.
The center display frequently lights up & the speakers squawk to force you to watch it while it tells you not to take your eyes off the road
The dashboard will pull out gun and scream at you until you put on a seatbelt. The other model has spikes on the dashboard to gut you if you dont wear a seatbelt and go flying.
This new Porsche has a cool new feature, you set male or female, and a specific attachment comes up from beneath the seat to give you total satisfaction, while you drive.
With these exclusive design new Iron Maiden trunk inserts, you'll never have your drive to a discreet secluded spot ruined by having to worry if that hooker is only pretending to be dead!
“The wings pop out of the flap on the side of the car so you can fly if need be.”
Tilt-up steering wheel for more head room.
This button on the steering wheel, activates the boxing glove that shoots out of the glove compartment and punches the passenger car thief in the balls.
An alarm goes off when you put a cup of hot coffee in your lap.
This latest Tesla model features our Full Self-Awareness technology (FSA). Not only can the car drive, but it's basically a fully sentient AI you can converse with. Let's try out a simple prompt. Tesla, according to the state driving manual, how do I determine safe follow8ng distance on the highway?
Car: "As of my last knowledge update..."
“Ever hear of an airbag? Well this car comes with an airbag for your balls.
The airbag system will immediately detect a collision, at which time a solid propellant will ignite and inflate this airbag under the dashboard faster than the speed of sound and cushion against your balls”
Eddie Murphy Raw Back Up sensor…. Hey you hit something dumbass…. And the Bill Cosby accident safety kit…. Give the drink to the person you hit and they don’t remember a thing afterwards
"Every time I touch this stick, my car makes a weird ticking noise and I don't know what it is."
"Sir, that's your turn signal."