What's your F The Planet moment? Make it a scene, people! Places!
Any product is 'single use' if you are a big enough jerk. To heck with Earth Day, I'm throwing this out.
*My car-ashtray is full of Lamborghinis, maybe I’ll go get a pack of Ferraris…
But don’t you dare be caught smoking in that Ferrari or they gonna sue your ass for ruining their brand image and you’ll have to buy a Maserati or something.
“Yes, is this the adoption agency ? Can I get a new baby whose diaper isn’t so…full?”
Blue Rhino baby changing stations. Leave your baby, pick up a fresh, clean baby from the rack!
Do you have suggestions for spouses and ex's? Checking.... for a friend.
Thanks for calling "Throw The Whole Man Out" boyfriend salvage! Moving on has never been easier or more environmentally friendly.
💝😂
The backgammon board? That's albino rhino hide. The dark leather parts are dyslexic mink scrotum. The checkers are ivory. Ivory, meaning elephant tusk cut off by American tourists in bud light shirts. Expensive? I guess so. I've got dozens in a box. They get germy so I throw them out each game day.
Good morning. I hope you like fresh coffee. (Turns off coffee grinder).
Oh, this? Nothing special. It's from Ecuador. I pay Taylor's private pilot to get me a bag full on his days off. Yes, stolen from the most exclusive coffee plantations. The workers are blindfolded and fired daily, to keep the secrets.
Your mug is carved from King Tut's burial chamber stone. Let's go sit on the air conditioned, open air patio. I hope you like Llama milk!
I buy only civet coffee, which I brew, sniff, and then pour out. I cannot get on with my day unless I’ve huffed catshit coffee from Indonesia.
Freshness is SO important! That’s why I have all my coffee packed into these custom triple-walled K Cups. The outer cup is mostly decorative, of course… that’s Scheele’s green pigmented plastic, a 24k gold foil lid, and each one is hand labeled with radium paint- easy to read, hard to fake. I just love how these colors look together, don’t you?
'It's got, like, 10 miles on it already, so I'm switching it out for a new model. They love me down at the dealership.'
My house is dusty, I need to buy a clean one.
Damn, the toilet's clogged. You think the insurance company will get suspicious if I burn the place down again?
"I gotta buy a new phone, this one ran out of battery"
Does that include your mum?
She has a “buy one, get one free” policy that encourages multiple sessions.
the polonium? it just turned to powder to I flushed it all, 7 tons of it
I change my own oil because efficiency. Problem is my car takes 4 quarts of oil but to save money I buy oil in the 5 quart jug. What to do with that pesky, messy extra quart? I water the neighbor's rose bushes with it. They could really use it, they look sickly,
At car dealership: This car is defective. I drove it for a while and it stopped working. Dealer: It looks fine. It’s just out of gas. Karen: I don’t care, just get me a new one. Throw this one away.
Didn't it come with gas?
Spilling more fuel from the "modern" no-spill can, than I ever did with the old ones.
(off topic, but - check out OSHA Safety Cans. I got a Type 2 Safety Can and it's everything I ever dreamed a gas can could be. Better than the old ones even, and it's a federal thing so even California can't ban them!)
I’m sorry I don’t wanna sound like a snob because I’m not my family actually didn’t have a lot of money when we were growing up. I think that’s how I learned how to save. Like when I got $10 a week for allowance I could save that and I learned how to do that well. So I’m not like some rich guy I had to work hard. But this is one kind of weird thing I have, I can’t use a barbecue twice it’s just gross I’m sorry. I don’t know how people just let the grease and meat drip into the bottom and then it’s just like stuck on the thing and then they kind of scrape it a little but you know it’s still there. People keep their barbecue but then they get new tanks for the propane. I think it’s just cheaper to get a new barbecue every time.
Garbage cans are expensive. Let's just throw everything in the back yard.
I love my single-use private jets and I am not giving them up.
Taylor Swift? Is that you?
"I enjoyed that episode of Fallout. Time to throw this TV away and watch the next episode on a new one!"
The towels are dirty in my hotel room. Time to get a new hotel!
Hello. I'm June Spender, CFO of Pristine Cruise Lines. Thank you to everyone for joining this quarterly earnings call. I now present to you our CEO, Buddy Helm.
Hello everyone. This fiscal quarter marked the start of an exciting change to our core strategy at Pristine Cruises. In response to customer feedback regarding Covid-19 cleanliness measures, we launched our newest class of ships, the Trench class. This exciting new product is revolutionizing the future of our industry. On select routes that conveniently terminate along tectonic boundaries, we recycle our ships after a single use. We utilize the most naturally sustainable method available, sinking them down through the ocean floor. This is opening up all kinds of new possibilities for operational efficiency, including reduced labor, minimized liability for disease transmission, and fewer loss leaders like repositioning cruises and asymmetric return trips. I'll take questions at the end of this call, but for now, I will pass it back to our CFO, June Spender, to highlight our financial results.
This quarter, we are reporting a net loss of -$30 trillion (-$600,000 EPS). This underperformance is due to unexpected costs associated with disposing of our Trench class ships. Our forecast for next quarter is -$29 trillion, primarily as a result of improvements in manufacturing which will make Trench class ships cheaper to dispose of. No further questions, Buddy run!
Rooster? I already woke up this morning. proceeds to tear up rooster like paper
"What do you mean Stanley cups aren't single-use only?"
My old boss was worth 500mil on the rich list when I worked for him about 15 years ago. His wife bought him a lambo for Christmas one year. He wrote it off same day.
What you dont wash and reuse your condoms? Theyre still good!
"Yeah, my Grandpa was a refrigerator repairman back in the day. He started collecting them at some point. When he died, the collection became my Dad's responsibility. Now that he has passed, I don't want them. How much for you to come pick them up and then bury them on top of that underground aquifer? Nope, don't damage them. I want them buried in their pristine working condition. I'm going to use the warehouse space to house my Hummer collection. I drive only H1 Hummers in a different color everyday."
It was seriously diapers 40 years ago. We tried using cloth diapers, that lasted a month. Finally figured out that our using pampers was not going to be enough to save the landfills.
The leather seat has a crumb on it. Better dispose of this Cessna for a Piaggio
“You’re trash, Emily. To the dumpster you go”
"Thanks for the good time, babe, it's been too long! Can you dust off one of those penises and bring it to me on your way back from grabbing a towel?"
“Now that I’ve gotten to Turks & Caico’s, I’ll need a new private jet to fly me home.”
This iPhone is outdated, into the trash it goes!
Did you rent a car on your trip?
Nope I just buy a new one and junk it when the vacation is over.
Hey- I have an idea. Does that mean I get to beg people to give me money to do it and beg people who are smarter than me to make me and investors money while I rape the planet and exploit migrant materials gatherers? Cool, cool. Damn- this is the easiest job in the world! Now excuse me while I go complain about having to pay wages and taxes. Sheep wont brainwash themselves!
I only fly planes with those cool ejection seats. After all, landing a plane is the most dangerous part and this way I don't have to worry about it.
This boyfriend doesn't measure up, please fed ex new model
Couch is dirty, i gotta get a whole new house and burn this one to the ground
"Back in a sec; gotta chuck my hydroflask."
I bought this recliner specifically for my 8 hour binge fest and now it’s filthy, time for a new one!
(Burns it with a flame thrower )
This toilet has been used
Dirty diaper? Just throw the whole baby out
“Oh, someone’s at the door.”
[starts the engine of my big fuck off-sized, gas-guzzling jeep to drive 2cm to the front door]
Your mom is single use
Ash tray is full on my Lamborghini. Time to get a Ferarri.