What is the best comeback for "do you even have friends?"

I have the box set

Are you angry because you’re not one of them?

Do you even have a dad?

"You ain't one of them that's for sure"

Don’t talk to people who speak to you this way. They don’t have any real friends anyway.

Yeah, I got all the seasons on dvd.📀

"I'm not taking applications, right now"

Yes. I keep them out back. Neatly stacked.

No. My mom had me tested and I was negative.

Make uncomfortably close and deep eye contact, and say sincerely “I have you”.

I did but the lock on the basement broke and they all got away.

Or look at the empty space beside you and say "Are you hearing this?"

Or best yet, look around then back at the person and say in utter shock "Wait- you can see me?"

"OH I thought we where friends? Isn't this that picking on your crush thing?"

I dont make friends with stupid because there isn't a cure for that yet.

No, by design, so Fuck off.

Tom Anderson.

Tom is my friend.

You'll never find out.

Life is too short to have friends like you

You could say: "I'd rather have no friends than be friends with someone like you."

Yeah. This left hand and this right hand.

This matters to you…why?!

I have three best friends. Me, myself, and I. And that's enough for me

“No.”

No u know damn well I'm a shutin...

Fuck no

"Why, do you need some?"

I've got more friends than you've got IQ points.

Do YOU?

Yes they are just gone right now heh….

No, my peers made me into a monster. Do you want to be friends with slender man?

And I'm glad you aren't one of them.

Tried it once. Dog looked at me weird.

“Do you have brains?”(Edited to add quote marks)

"Do you even have a mother?"

I'd go with "Why don't you ask your Mom".

Yes you can’t see them ? *Then motion your arm around as if you’re walking with two friends and say “cmon guys”

Yes and none of them are like you

Do you even have deodorant?

Yes, I keep them in my freezer

I consider you a friend, unless I'm thinking too high of you

Yes but all 11 live in me

I don't have time!

Yeah, but I normally choose people who aren’t so thirsty.

listen bro, i stopped being your friend because your mom stopped paying me. Once she pays me i’ll be your friend again.

Sure , your Mom , Sister , Gam-Gams, step mom, all 3 Aunts , and your wife … my circle is complete 🙏

"Boys, let's kick his ass"

Nope

Wyatt Earp is my friend

No

"Yeah, you?"

I don't know that friends is the word I'd use, but your mom and I are pretty tight.

"I see self projection just kicked in"

“Only ones that are decent, civilized human beings with souls, knuckles that don’t drag the ground, and enough functional brain cells to carry on a halfway interesting conversation, so you wouldn’t know them.”

Yes I do(they’re all in my head)discussing what to do about you…please be quiet I’m trying to listen!

If you don't: "No. I don't. And you constantly pointing it out doesn't change anything about it."

If you do: "As a matter of fact I do. And I wouldn't sell them out to you to go and bully them."

Ambiguous: "Didn't realize I had to report everything to you. Did you want to know how much I don't care about this conversation?"

Just you

Yes and I'm fully paid up.

“Friends like you? I’m good” “you have friends though?🧐” “why are you so worried about the people around me? Are you okay?” “Do yours ever actually invite you or do you guilt trip and go?” 😚

"Even if I didn't I'd still have more than you"

Thank you for seeing past my looks.

Your mom is my friend with benefits

With bullies, you kinda have to lean into their taunting. Make them feel like shit for messing with you. Don’t be afraid to get a little dark.

“Do you even have any friends?”

If you don’t:

“Honestly, no. It’s really depressing and I’m not doing so great, mentally or emotionally.”

If you do have some friends, be honest about what’s happening with these bullies. Real friends will have your back, and won’t be afraid to stand next to you and tell these guys to fuck off.

The real question is do I want them?

No, I have alibis.

As someone else said in the comments, these comebacks could get you bullied even more.

I know what it is to get bullied and how tempting it can be to clap back, but the thing is that it's not always good to do so.

There are two types of bully in life - the ones that are bored and need an easy target and those who got it rough back home.

If you're going to use one of the comebacks given to you, I would suggest to make sure that your bullies fall in the first category - they are bored. Some of the comebacks are good enough to shut them up.

I would strongly advise against it, if they fall in the latter one. Responding to them could hit their ego the wrong way and infuriate them more than anything else.

In any case, stay safe. :)

I don’t have time for friends, your mom keeps me pretty damn busy. The woman’s insatiable! (Throw in some pelvic thrusts and spanking motion for added effect.)

Fall down on the ground RIGHT THERE and curl up in a ball, muttering about loneliness and fear. Start crying and keep staring at them staight in their eyes.

Not that I would subject to your company.

"Due to emotional damage from my childhood, I find it harder to connect with others who haven't been through such tribulations." 

That'll have em on the backropes.

I guess you're not one of them, bounce

"Are you looking for tips on how to make some? Must be rough to be lonely."

My mom is my friend and she also says I'm handsome

Yep...real ones ..not like the ones your folks pay to play with you.

That would mean finding people who don't annoy me and your certainly not on that list

"Idk if you'd call what me n your mom are 'friends,' exactly..." 😉

Only when I don't take my medication

"Plenty, the real question is who hurt you? Why do you feel the need to be so crass?" Then take out a notepad and glasses and start taking notes like their therapist

ask your mom

I've been asked this many times, and my comeback has always been, "yep, I have my dogs, birds, turtles, deer, and nature...I have no time for human friends who lie, steal, and stab me in the back"

How's that?

Not live ones...

Lmao

No. I have no friends. However, unlike you, my parents actually love me and don’t wish 3-4 times a day they had aborted.

See, the fact you’re asking proves that everyone talks about you not to you.

Yea..your mom with her sloppy blow jobs

"Maybe if you did you wouldn't have to constantly bother me."

“🎶Friends are there for you🎶-Yep, I have friends, what about you? Maybe you have invisible ones though?”

I did but then your dad got too clingy. Tell him to quit calling me all the time, your mom's started looking at my phone while I'm in the shower and she's getting suspicious.

No

Yeah, they’re real unlike yours.

You're sister seemed eager last night

Do you not?

More than you

quality over quantity

No

You must not have them either if you’re talking to me

Plenty. And they're alll in my head.

Yes, and your mother is my favorite

Do the voices in my head count?

Yeah, don't you see them? *outreach my hands and look around, smiling. (No one else is around but us two)

I banged your sister.

I hate everyone equally

Surely more than you

Ask them the same question back.

If they laugh and say yes of course I do.

You say: “ are you sure they like you? I’d rather have real friends, I don’t want fake friends like you.”

Just say yea your mom. Easy

A ton

Your mom’s my friend…with benefits.

With people like you in the world how can I?

They keep having mysterious deaths, so if you're interested, I'm taking applications

None that would be interested, sorry

Yea they just go to a different school

"Well, I don't need a crowd to have quality friendships. Unlike you, I prefer genuine connections over popularity contests."

“Do you have odd friends?”

I intend to peak in my social life AFTER high school.

Start counting them off: My mommy, my daddy….

I’m just saying this I’m not trying to be mean

Jesus is everyone’s friend

I'm too busy pimping for your mom to make friends. She sees so many clients that It's like 3 full time jobs, and I don't have a whole lot of time for anything else.

Tell them your best friend is Jesus Christ. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your savior. If you died today would you go to heaven?

No.

You have an unhealthy obsession with my personal life

Friendship is a Cliche and has gone by the way of the dinosaur.....

Not one's like you.

Just be honest: No, no, I don't.

You wanna be my friend?!

"Yeah & they died during my deployments overseas. What's your excuse?"

You should know your moms one of them.

But if theyre bullies youll probably get your ass kicked. Go to the gym.

Just because you can't see them doesn't mean thay aren't real.

Yes. But, you don't, and that's what bugs you the most.

yeah ur mom

Say this like this

Heh Im the sigma, I dont need friends ;)

No. Ew. Humans?! Why?

Yes and you’ll never be one of them.

I have a monthly subscription

Not through any fault of my own.

Friends are highly overrated.

"When are you going to learn what they look like so you can recognize them when you see them?"

Oldie but a goodie….

Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters…

I know you are but what am i

No

If I wanted any, I would.

"No, can I smell your feet?"

Yes

Yeah, but no one you’d hang out with. They all finished high school

Only ones with benefits. Tell your mom I'll be stopping by tonight, son.

“I’m sorry for whatever it is that makes you so angry and lack so much confidence that you have to abuse those around you. I hope you’re able to get through it”

Why, do you want to know what it's like?

“I do, your just not one of them”

Yer mom

I would rather be alone than have as a friend

That's a question you'll have to ask yourself as well when you finish high school and go into college if you ever do go to college.

You mean other than your Mom/Dad?

I did, until your mom sucked them all away from me

George I had a lit-tle friend, but he don’t move no more.

Not you, that's for sure!

Do you know what people say about you? Then walk away disgusted

No need to say anything. Just roll your eyes and walk away.

"Yes, but I make sure they never have a chance to regret meeting you."

Yes.

(Blank stare, monotone voice) “Mother says I’m not allowed to have friends.”