Anyone else avoid life/people/relationships/empathy in general?

I often tend to avoid people as much as I can because I find it draining to be around them and I can only take them in small doses. It's not that they necessarily did anything bad, it's just that physically and spiritually it gets to be too much for me very quickly. I am much more at peace and comfortable when I'm in hermit mode.

I have to be careful with empathy as well - it's not that I don't care, but emotionally charged moments take a huge toll on me. I will reach out to help and be a rock for friends, but I need to be very careful how much I do it.

Actually, I have become incredibly avoidant now that I stop and think about it. I hardly see friends or make an effort to see people or connect with them. After everything I can’t seem to feel safe around people, and when I did try and connect with people in the past few years it wasn’t great and sometimes was traumatic. Like I do have friends, but truly connecting now is hard. I see no point in relationships really.

I used to be more open, but after a painful breakup three years ago, I can't bring myself to try again. I can't heal.

You sound exactly like me. Guarding their inner child from everything.

Even guarding them from your own traumatic childhood.

For sure! And the more I've tried to become part of a group, community, etc. the more isolated and weird I feel. I seem to thrive when I'm able to be alone. My mental health was never better than in quarantine 2020.

I sometimes think about trying to bond more with others and cultivate close, caring relationships, but after so many failed attempts and how exhausting the whole process is, I'm really not sure it's worth it.

I relate.

Little me could tell that something was wrong but I didn't have the language to describe what was going on back then. And then trauma scrambled all my signals, so I came up with a bunch of strategies along the way to try and understand connection better. Then I figured out I was traumatized and started really digging into healing. I'm around 4y3m into trauma healing, and at this point I think little me had an intuitive understanding of connection and attachment. I'm quite intuitively good at providing emotional attunement, empathetic mirroring, and co-regulation for others, which bonds them to me (plus I've consciously worked to improve my communication skills). What I've noticed is that others are not good at reciprocity, so I don't really get bonded to them at all. Or the other person is actually really dysregulated and will have unruly outbursts, just like my abuser did. Interacting with others is a minefield, I have no idea what to expect and my CPTSD hyper vigilance has me constantly on edge and bracing for an attack from one of the dysregulated ones. Happened the other day when I went to the shop to grab some groceries. I had to set a boundary with a dysregulated stranger and they of course had a little stompy tantrum about it, just like my abuser did. Like, why do I have to deal with the same nonsense I had to as a child as an adult? I'd rather isolate bc it's hard enough to manage my own nervous system, much less other people's.

I want to connect with people but I find "normal" people boring and unrelatable. I find traumatized people more interesting but then I become the caregiver and savior. Like you I'm avoidant so I don't play the law of large numbers to find my people either. I wish I could be less socially anxious to start off with.

I started to become avoidant a couple of years ago, I guess I was more co dependant before. I realized I guess that the gap I have inside would never be filled with anybody. So I distanciated myself more and more. Like you I do not mind being alone, I even love silence . The thing that I miss the most is feeling "connected" to someone. Now as soon as that happens I just freak out , dissociate, or create a bad situation. Feeling connected is a longing and a plague at the same time. Being connected means human interaction, recognition, heartfelt discussions... it's an upper really. I have been emotionally deprived in my childhood and, anytime I asked for connections people weren't there, or manipulated me (yes that empathy based on moral and judgment. Do not get me wrong, I have plenty in stocks too unfortunately)

From that perspective I can't trust anyone. But that is starting to eat me up inside and I need to do the work, I need to be able to trust, at the very least and foremost myself. Accepting taking a risk is something very difficult to me.

I wish you good luck on that road as I find it a very intense self discovery process. I'll come back to tell later if I finally have a new diagnosis but right now avoidant (FA/DA) makes total sense because of the traumas (CPTSD) I went through.

I definitely relate as I’m sitting at home while my husband and daughter are at my nieces birthday party. The anxiety was too much and I honestly burst into tears as soon as they left. Simply overwhelmed by making the decision not to go. I just don’t feel safe around anyone, except for my daughter. :(

I don't even know what normal human life would feel like, i can't imagine it.

I relate in that I have an avoidant personality. As for these sentences:

The whole point about life is thriving and connection, survival and reproducing to the next generation

I have no purpose, no desire for anything

I don't think you have to find your purpose in other people. For a long time, I thought I had to have a large community around me and be actively contributing to it in order to justify my existence. I didn't think I deserved to live if I wasn't helping other people. It was exhausting, though, and I never felt like I had done enough.

I find now that exploring nature and seeing things grow in my garden from year to year is purpose enough. It's interesting to see what the world will become. I've realized my purpose isn't to fix the world or other people. My purpose is just to live in the world and experience it.

As for feeling bad about not reproducing, I don't think people have an obligation to keep growing the human race. I think population decline could be a good thing for the world. If you enjoy being alone, you don't have to feel guilty or selfish for it. It actually takes a lot of resources to have children, and you're preventing a lot of emissions and pollution if you choose not to have kids. Not bashing on people who have kids. I'm just saying that you can find purpose in other things and have a positive effect on the world whether you choose to share your life with others or keep to yourself.

Yep, not worthy, not good enough, too weird, different.

It's not true, of course, but that's how I have felt most of my life.

I relate so much and almost made a similar post recently but could not find the words. I used to struggle so hard by forcing myself to engage in relationships (romantic, friends, coworkers, family, all of the “expected” ones) and it just drained me. I have come to realize I am both an introvert and my cptsd has just made it where I have a low amount of energy and tolerance to expend on any type of relationship. I don’t like small talk, I don’t like drama, I don’t like going out of my way to force these things to flourish. I’d rather just keep to myself and save my energy for myself. I’m trying to heal. I have a husband and daughter and I work in social services so I expend all I have on them and myself. And now I’ve even let go of social media it’s been a huge relief. Just letting it go. I have two girl friends that I’ve kept since a very young age and they are both also busy, traumatized, understanding, amazing souls so we only talk like once or twice a week in text and meet up now and then. I am friendly with coworkers but I don’t make them my friends necessarily. No energy for that. They know I keep to myself in my office full of plants and art and do my work in solitude with soft music playing. They can talk to me but I usually won’t initiate. Same with my family. They can call or text. We will always show for holidays and birthdays. But usually nothing more. No one in my life truly understand my trauma and how my mind works and now I’ve accepted it I’ve learned how to make life work despite that. I’m my own best friend, best confidant, best cheerleader, best everything. I truly hope you find your rhythm to make you happy. I am not always happy but I have this assurance now that I’m gonna be okay- because I trust myself to always figure it out and stand strong. I like solitude. I like peaceful hobbies. I like my alone time to recharge. My main hobbies are reading, writing, puzzles, painting, archery, hiking/nature walks, picnics. I let go of any outside influence on how my life SHOULD be or how I SHOULD act and now I’m so much happier. Idc if I’m seen as a recluse or hard to connect with, I know I’m not. I know I’m healing and I NEED this detachment and solitude to continue living.

I don’t avoid life I avoid unnecessary people.

People tend to think their love, full of excuses and always in need of forgiveness and understanding is beneficial to the person who has to continue to wait, lower, and put themselves on a back burner for it.

Love is beneficial or it isn’t real. The goal is make the person u love happy. Not feed off their unhappiness or make them feel bad.

I feel the same way. I don’t see the point or purpose in anything like I used to. I am incredibly lonely and depressed, but I can’t trust anyone as far as I can throw them. But I can’t bring myself to seek out new connections out of fear. I kinda feel like a ghost just observing everyone else living a life, if that makes sense.

When you were a child and being emotionally neglected, you had no choice but to slip into safety through isolation. It’s still your safe place even though there is a high potential for you to feel connected and loved and cared for by others.

One day there will be room for you to try and understand your parents actions and behaviours. But that comes at a later date in healing. And you are under no obligation to seek out understanding until you are ready to do so. And at no time should you ever connect that understanding to dismissing what was done to you. What happened to you was gross and unacceptable.

We are relational beings. Yes, it would be healthier for you to come out of your shell and be loved, and for you to experience others receiving your love. But that takes time and is a long process. It’s a dipping of your toe in the water, not getting bitten and retreating a little back into safety. Many instances of doing that so you begin to learn it’s safe dipping your toe. Next it could be all 5 toes, or a foot. But be gentle with yourself. You have a lot of developmental conditioning to untangle.

Yeah, I can relate to the feeling. I have cut myself from pretty much everyone except a couple of good friends, and I don't leave the house for basically any reason except to grab groceries or complete other chores, or grab food to bring back. As for the relationships part, between my parent's abusive relationship as well as my horrible self esteem and body issues, I decided really early on that no matter what I felt I wouldn't get in a relationship because I didn't want to do that to another person.

And yes, it's very easy to feel defective or broken when that happens; human existence seems to revolve around creating and cultivating human relationships, especially to a partner and kids, and if you actively avoid people and don't have a romantic relationship, it feels like you're barely human yourself sometimes.

I avoid feeling empathy, as people only use it to manipulate me.

It's interesting to me that you can "shut off' your empathy like that. The only way I can do that is if it's a person who treated me in a way I could never picture myself treating another human being. I've had far too many "friends" do this to me in the past, so THAT is more the reason why I avoid connecting with people.

If the possibility of manipulation is the primary reason you feel you have to shut off your empathy response, I think the key is to notice the attempts as soon as you see them. Remember that just cause you FEEL a certain way, and that person may have influenced that feeling, that does not mean you lose your agency.

Of course when we were under the control of our parents, we either weren't able to HAVE agency, or it just wasn't respected "because we were kids". So I think some of us go back into this mindset any time we feel trapped in some kind of social manipulation, regardless of who it's with. Because of our past with this, we're inclined to think this person must have noticed a "weakness" in us and they've tried to weaponize it for their own advantage.

The truth is it's not really a weakness... actually, for me, I think of it as a strength.

Many of our parents trained us (either because they were able to use our empathy against us or viewed it as a thing they didn't experience themselves) to view our empathy and emotions as weakness. I still see a lot of people here who have internalized this to some extent, which is one of the saddest things to me.

But yes, I absolutely do relate. And from what I've read there are a lot of others like us here, as well.

I get it. Because of the things that have happened in my life, I have slowly become more and more avoidant. I've always found people and company draining. But I wasn't allowed to hide away and my family had no idea nor would they have understood my desire for a quiet life. So I take every opportunity now to make decisions for myself and just hide away if I feel like it. But, I also lack the skills and the know-how, that somehow everyone else is just born with, to connect with people. Things end up weird and awkward. So I just trundle along in my tiny space with no idea of how it's going to look going forward.

God, this feels straight out of my journal. You’re not alone in this at all. I hope we can all get better.

I feel you.

on easter, my uncle pulled a knife on me. it was weird and stupid and has made me feel super weird about people. i just don’t wanna be around them. my friends. my family. no one. i wanna be left alone and i don’t want to feel forced to be around people anymore

100%. It's hard to relate to others and explaining myself is a chore that I've had to do most of my life. Im in college and pretty poor so I can't use the buffer of going out and doing something fun (most of that stuff costs money).

I hope after graduating and getting a job that'll change because I'll be able to do more, plus I'm looking to get a pet to have that connection in my life if that makes sense. I'd definitely get a dog if I were you, maybe that could give you someone/something to love unconditionally, because people are tough to start off with for most of us.

Don't be too hard on yourself though, it's normal to feel this way after going through a rough upbringing. We just have to try and give ourselves the opportunity to introduce love back into our lives in a healthy way

I can really relate with your story. I feel the same way where I felt that life is about thriving and connection, but instead it just seems like it's about surviving to tomorrow. It's really sad because I cherish relationships, but after so much abuse from others and getting abandoned I have only allowed relationships to be surface where it wouldn't hurt if someone left. It's an incredibly lonely way to live, but it works where I don't get tail spun if I let someone in and I get hurt somehow. I wish you all the best OP, it's a difficult struggle.

I totally avoid people for the same reason I avoid warzones: They are capable of making you suffer death; the difference is, people can do it repeatedly.

After my last close irl friendship burned, I lost all desire to connect with anyone irl. It always ends with me being exploited and hurt, and then abandoned. There just isn't any logic in risking that again.

I used to feel very much like that, but since seeing a counsellor I have come to realise that my avoidance is not as pervasive as I had thought. I can talk to people quite comfortably IF the subject is not personal and emotionally connective. Work stuff is ok for me (not perfect, but fine). Walking around in crowded places I feel incredibly self conscious though. Never had a relationship.

Just a general feeling of not being safe

Yes and it makes me feel very, very weird because of all the 'relationships are the ultimate meaning in life' messaging out there. The other day my coworkers were all talking about having children and they were so flabbergasted when I said I don't want children or marriage because that's the 'meaning of life!!1!'

One thing I will say for it though is that lacking desires for connection, for family/standard life paths, makes us harder to manipulate.

I’m scared to be in a relationship because of the abuse I had with my Exes. I’ve always feared intimacy and having children.

I wish we could be friends :( I feel the same way. Anytime I start to want to trust someone I’m back to my old ways of hiding. I wish I could have friends like people on this sun but we are all tucked safely away in our own four walls lol. I relate to you so much.

(TL;DR yes I completely relate, and also I am currently in a spiral)

Rant: I wish I could keep everyone out. I feel like I need to start keeping more and more people out of my life, and I can’t let any new people in. I actually desperately miss people - I feel so alone all of the time and crave genuine, deep connection. But I also feel like no one is safe anymore. I don’t think I’M safe anymore - I’m losing my current/past relationship because I couldn’t stop emotionally hurting them. I wish I felt comfortable being totally alone because I feel like I am poison to everyone I come into contact with, and I can only hurt people, especially the ones I love. I feel like I don’t deserve love, and if someone says they love me, either they do not understand what love is, or they do not know me well enough to know that they shouldn’t love me, or they don’t actually love me at all. Like, any new people who have anything nice to say about me just make me think “You say that now…”

I am really, really sad and lonely. I know I have codependent issues, and my CPTSD comes from divorce (my parents’ and my own) as well as religious trauma. In the last year and a half, I have experienced loss of the majority of relationships that I thought would be lifelong or at least long term. I know my journey is to be able to stand strong and independent on my own two feet but I’m so afraid I’ll be alone forever and deserve it. I wish I could be happy without any people in my life at all. But the truth is I’m absolutely drowning. But I have to keep people out for their own good. I wish I didn’t exist.

I recently had someone visit me for an extended period of time, and it was only then that I realised just how isolated I've become. I really like this person and I was glad they visited me, but once they left, I pretty much crashed. I forgot how draining being constantly switched-on can be.

At first, I felt a bit ashamed when I realised just how withdrawn I've become, but after taking a few days to process, I feel okay about it. I have a handful of people in my life that I care about and regularly connect with. I'm satisfied with what I have. Also, nothing is set in stone - I have the right to change my mind. Circumstances change. Feelings change. Needs change.

If this is something that worries you, OP, I'd say the best thing to do would be to bring it back to your own feelings and needs. Don't worry about what other people say. Don't worry about what society as a whole says. How do you feel? Are you happy? Is connection with others something you need? Are your existing relationships suffering as a result of your difficulties with empathy and trust?

Not trusting people and being triggered by people is a big problem for me as well. People tend to trauma dump on me and that triggers me. It's like I have a sign on my face DUMP YOUR TRAUMA HERE. I guess it's because I listen to people. It's hard to make friends. I feel the best when I'm on my motorcycle by myself. Just focus on the road. When I'm around people I try to just act happy and normal, but it's a lot of effort. As far as empathy I really fall short on that. It's hard for me to get outside of myself enough to put myself in others' shoes. Always had trouble with that. Being in large gatherings is really confusing. It's hard to make small talk and try to find positive things to say so that I don't appear abnormal. I used to have more of a personality, but that is slipping away. One good thing, I have broken ties with the dysfunctional childhood family. That is fading into the background. I guess little things is all I can expect.

I'm terrified of having to try again. It feels like choosing to walk into a slaughterhouse when I could be safe at home as always.

I just wanna be left alone most of the time, but it’s conflicting as I want to have some friendships too (I don’t really have any as I’ve lost touch). In the past interacting with others was easy but now I find it exhausting like it’s testing my patience. I think it’s because so many people came and gone in my life, so why bother? And I also find it hard to relate to most people (especially with women my age or younger). I hate talking about superficial things.

Agree with you so much with feeling alien and otherwordly. I can go in public, observe other people and it’s like everyone who is non-traumatized follows certain scripts that are emotional, physiological etc then trauma severes those scripts and you’re completely cut off from your emotions, senses etc and it’s so overwhelming. I can’t go out without feeling stressed, tense or on edge. I try and try to be present consistently but I always end up back in my dissociative, neurotic chimp brain and end up getting exhausted from my attempts to be present, then I fall back into my coping mechanisms.

I was ostracized and bullied at school and then emotionally neglected at home. I never had anyone who fully understood what was going on in my head or my problems, so I had to bottle them all up because I learned from a young age that being emotionally vulnerable was dangerous. How can I blame myself for avoidant behaviors when years of trying to live my life ended up in traumatization?

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I know therapy is not always easily accessible, but if you can access it and find a good therapist, it can be a great way to practice trusting someone and maintaining a relationship.

After spending so many years putting everything into the kid and wife. Now kid has his own life and lives miles away. The wife killed herself. I don’t even know what to say about going through that experience. So now I’m alone. I avoid everyone too.

I can. Something I'm still struggling with for years is just putting myself out there and being around people. I want company. I want to have regular outings with friends. I'd like to be around people. But I don't want to have more people to tend to in my life, dealing with more one-sided relationships again. I don't want to be unjustifiably invalidated by people again. And it seems like I'm not compatible with people in general, because of the things I don't want to co-sign or participate in.

I don't want to drink to socialize, but that's all it seems people do to get out. I don't want to silently co-sign the seemingly rampant narcissistic behaviors out there by not saying anything, after I've been hurt by it. I don't even do things that people commonly do, so I'm left in my own little world with nothing in common to talk about besides how much of a drag life can be and how nice the weather happens to be. And heaven forbid I try to navigate all the ass-backwards-ness of dating- there's so many unspoken "rules" and whatnot that I can't even begin to try.

I just want to be me around other people, but I worry that I'm not worth anyone's time because I'm not as good as the next guy. While I count my blessings and look at the bright sides of it all, fact of the matter is that it's a painful cycle and I don't know how to break free of it.

Yes I can, 10 minutes socializing feels like 4 hours gym

Man I could have written this… I’m becoming more avoidant and just don’t feel safe w anyone. So I have been reclusive and canceling plans w everyone

I'm lucky enough to be part of artistic communities where there is a general acknowledgement of trauma, boundaries, and the messier aspects of healing, which is pretty much the only reason why I'm not a total recluse.

That being said, I also experience what I've been thinking of as "emotional/interactive/social hangovers." In some cases, I feel drained, but in others, I feel like I need way more time to process the emotions of those interactions.

I wouldn't be surprised if, had I never found such communities, I'd also be avoidant of anything that stirred up empathy in me, for precisely the reasons you described. I suppose exposure to poetry and music, where people express their emotions primarily for the sake of self-expression, has sort of functioned like exposure therapy, where the feeling of having my emotions engaged by others no longer sets off the internal air raid sirens.

100% me. I specifically searched for a post like this because today it dawned on me after a very awkward social interaction and I just want to hide from everyone forever. You put everything perfectly into words, I wholeheartedly agree. I don't desire connection at all. I tend to get scared of healing as well because being sick means being alone and being alone feels freeing and right. I am addicted to my loneliness. I feel like I put a lot of energy into avoiding people every day. The only ones I feel relatively safe with are two family members, but sometimes I want to hide from them as well because I feel like I annoy and exhaust them (I can unmask only in front of them). I wish I could do everything from home (work, shop, etc) and leave it only sometimes. I am envious of those who live like that.