Update: AITA for going to a pre-planned vacation with my family rather than my boyfriend's mom's funeral?

You don’t go to a funeral for those that died. You go for those that are still alive

I'm about to hit the last leg of the one visit a year I get to my parents (international travel). Takes a LOT of work to make it happen.

My mom would kick my ass if I came down instead of to my MIL/FIL funeral. Idc I've only met them a few times each, they're my husband's parents.

My aunt was dating a guy for five years when my grandma died. We knew him very well. He'd been to cookouts, holidays, even did a few outing with me and my sisters when we were little. He was basically family.

My grandma died... he did not come to the funeral even when my aunt asked.

We never saw him after that. Literally never. My aunt was so done with him.

I went to my girlfriend’s grandmas funeral after a month of being together. I’d really go to a funeral with any acquaintance if they asked because clearly by asking it’s important to them

This is enraging, I can see why you struggled to forgive her.

I was a very heavy partier but I never let it get in the way, like you don't HAVE to get shitfaced and if it comes to that you can power through a hungover.

Am hoping she means his mom dying and the emotional distress of that and not anything more final and irreversible.

The sentence before that seems to be in present tense rather than past, so I'll stick with the one you have too.

I don't think you are. 

It's really clear how little OP cares for this guy

I don’t think you are otherwise she wouldn’t have updated

My now husband, then boyfriend of about five months (though we'd already soft moved in together at that point, tbf) went with me to my grandfather's funeral. Out of state, for like a five day long "weekend". At which he met not only my parents and siblings for the first time (they live in yet another part of the country) but my ENTIRE extended family (my grandparents had six kids and... 27 grandchildren. It's a lot).

This is a man with some decent social anxiety and he didn't hesitate for one second to come with me. We definitely took some time to do a little sightseeing, since the funeral was where my mom had grown up and I'd been born so there were some childhood sites I wanted to visit, but it was still one hell of a dense emotional as well as practical commitment. Part of what cemented for me that he was the right one.

I'm so sorry 😐😔 that resentment is so difficult to let go...

 I had something similar happen to me when my grandfather passed

It took me a long time to forgive her for it.

When I was 23, my grandfather passed away. I was writing exams when he passed away. My mum refused to let me fly back because of the exams & "this is the best way to honour him".

So we decided that we would all be back for the 30 day memorial

In our religion, the 30 day memorial is almost as big as the funeral itself

My oldest sister & her boyfriend were flying in too. We all arrived on the Wednesday & Thursday. The memorial was on the Sunday

On the Friday, we find out that a family friend's son is having his 18th on the Saturday night. I was friends with him but had lost touch. I was at a stage in my life where I had stopped drinking & didn't feel the need to do so.

We decided to take 1 car as there are only 5 of us. In the car on the way to this families house my dad says to all 4 of us - remember tomorrow we have church at 9 for the memorial - we need to be there at 8 to set up. We can't be late.

We arrived at 7pm My sister's bf gets plastered by 9pm & she took him home in a taxi.

At 11pm, I went to the bathroom & was catching up with one of my high school friends for 15 minutes.  My little cousin comes & gets me & tells me my girlfriend (20F), Jennifer, is in the bathroom drunk calling for me.

It doesn't take her much to get to that stage but she should know her limits. I'm annoyed so tell my dad we going home. He offered to drive us back.

She vomits when we get home & I take her to shower & get her dressed so she can try sleep it off.

At 740 am my dad is banging on doors saying he's leaving in 10 minutes.

She turns to me and says "I don't feel good. Do I really need to come?"

It took me about 3 years to get over that...

My dad died when I was in my early 20s, and none of my friends went to the funeral. They seemed kind of confused when I asked if they were planning to attend, because none of them had met him more than a handful of times. "Why would I go grieve someone I barely knew?"

Now that we're older, they get it. The funeral isn't for the dead guy. The funeral is to support the survivors. They had no real experience with death or grief, so they didn't really understand until they had gone through a death in their own family.

Honestly read it first as if he was referring to the mothers death as a sad turn. Shit.

I don't think so. She said that "he's a great guy." Present tense. I think he's still around. Without more information I'm assuming she's taking about the death of his mother when saying that things took a bad turn. That's a bad enough turn.

LORD I hate that I missed that line. Fuck that's so much worse.

It's "he is" not "he was"

I don’t think he died. I think she is just referencing what happened, mother died and they broke up, that’s the sad turn. And she will miss him because of the break up and not because he died.

Or she was raised to be really selfish. Her whole family was “we want you there” or “it’s your choice”. I know in my family we would have been disgusted if our sibling treated their spouse so poorly. It would have been “let’s all cancel and reschedule” and “how can we help your SO?”

He didn't. "He's a great guy," not "was."

The sad turn was the mother dying and the GF breaking up with him back to back. 

I read some of her comments and fuck..

"I realize it's sad to lose a parent but it's not the end of the world for everyone around you! Like honestly I'm just over this whole thing at this point."

This comment reminds me that there are more dumb/ahole people in this world than intelligent/generous people.

Exactly.. I can’t imagine going off for a vacation knowing that someone so close to me had to bury his parent at the same time. OP is so self absorbed and she kicked him while he was down. I feel so bad for him, hope he’s at peace

Oh no! What makes you say that?

"Yeah. I really don't like my MIL or my FIL, but I would go to the funeral to support my partner."

I'd also want to verify they were dead.

Didn't just dump him, she let him linger for a month before breaking up with him.

"It really hurt that you ditched my mother's funeral to go party. It made me feel like I'm not important to you."

"You're absolutely right, you really dont mean much to me at all."

and she told him she basically didn’t love him enough. what the fuck

I sadly wasn’t able to make my grandfather’s funeral as I was out of the country and my partner - who he’d only met like twice - offered to drop everything and go to the funeral on my behalf so my family and I would at least feel like a little part of me was there.

Why do people have relationships with people they don’t even like ? I could not even imagine being so cruel to someone just because I’m scared of being single. OOP sounds so self-absorbed

Yeah, I can understand OOP eventually realizing that "I don't care to go to his mom's funeral--I'm supporting him through the day-to-day but willing to skip on going with him when he's going to be deepest in his grief" meant "I'm not actually in it with this guy for the long haul", but my god she could not have picked a worse way to handle any of it.

Yup, it doesn't matter that she didn't know his mom well or that the rest of his family would be there. If she had actually cared about him, she would have gone. More likely she viewed his mourning as a nuisance and was glad to be apart from him

I was trying to figure out if that meant he was fucking dead, or she's just referring to how bad that whole timeline of events was for him and how they won't be in contact anymore, and I really can't tell.

It certainly reads that way, although OOP also seems to say just before that that he IS a great guy, rather than using past tense.

Holy F I missed that the first time. If he died, OOP is beyond cold hearted. I hope he’s in a better place regardless

“It’s not my fault I’m his only friend...” wow. Wow.

Her family absolutely fucking sucks too. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Someone sent her a Narcissist quiz and she almost passed. So she's borderline narcissistic.

Imagine drinking pina coladas while your significant other is at their parents funeral. It's like Seinfeld levels of selfishness.

Please tell me I'm jumping to the wrong conclusions by thinking that means he killed himself....

Yeah, I was a teacher and I concur.

Teachers become teachers for all kinds of reasons. Some people do it because they love education as a principle, that was me, some people do it because they love kids, some people do it because it's a steady job with a pension.

Some people do it so they can be the only person with power in a room full of children. They like the control and the authority and that's why they do it.

Humans can be nasty, gender doesn't have much to do with that basic fact, just often the presentation.

YTA How would you feel if someone that close to you dies and he ditched you for a camping trip with the boys?

Her response:

I wouldn't freak out because I have close relationships with my friends & family so they could get me through it. It's not my fault that I'm his only friend. He needs to work on developing relationships with other people. You guys seriously aren't trying to see this from my side at all.

Yikes

Also

The day that your mother passes and the pain strikes through your chest and you feel like you can’t breathe, and all you want is that sheltering love and guidance a parent brings you as a child, but they don’t exist anymore.

That’s when you’ll realize you fucked up.

Her response:

I realize it's sad to lose a parent but it's not the end of the world for everyone around you! Like honestly I'm just over this whole thing at this point.

Thank you so so much, it really means a lot to read that coming from someone else.

I know now that I had only done the best I could in the relationship and there wasn't anything that I had done to cause the change. I think for awhile I was just trying to grapple with the person I thought my ex was versus who they turned out to be. I never thought they could act so uncaring and unempathetic so I assumed it must have been something I had done to cause the change. I know better now though and things wouldn't have worked out anyways.

I tried to find a grief counselor shortly after my dad died. He had a terminal illness from his service in the military and he wasn't the best dad. I spent my senior year in highschool and the two years after keeping him alive, so I knew the grief would be complex and that having someone more experienced to break it down would help. I got put on some waiting lists, things kept getting pushed back, practices moved, and I still haven't talked to any professional about it. But I'm not too mad about it, I'm willing to wait since I know it's not like the grief is going anywhere.

The social isolation is the hard part. I don't really have it in me to put myself out there to try and make new friends or meet anyone new. I don't want to have to explain my dad or what I went through while he was dying, I think. I know I'll need help to work through that too but I'm not in any rush.

It feels like I have to completely start over in a way. I'm not depressed about that but I can absolutely see how hard and overwhelming that would be for someone else like OOP's ex-boyfriend.

Thank you for your kind words ❤️ I hope you have a beautiful day kind internet stranger