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What can a woman do or say that would make you feel safe being emotionally vulnerable with her?
It's easier to say what not to do than what to do because whatever your partner needs you for is going to be a personal thing.
One thing that I can say is, whatever you do, if he comes to you with something on his mind do not give him silence and do not walk away. There is nothing more insulting or hurtful than having someone that you're trying to rely on check out on you the moment you're the slightest bit inconvenient.
Tone policing is another one. For some reason, I keep running into women who think it's appropriate and necessary to dictate how I express my own frustration. And I'm not talking about throwing things or punching walls or yelling, just "You seem really angry right now." "You need to watch your tone with me." If I make any show of being visibly frustrated, no matter how mild. With some women it's almost like you have to pretend like you don't have a problem to have a conversation about it. When they're not even the object of the frustration, no less.
In general... don't invalidate, try to be helpful, don't be an obtuse jerk, and don't force him to be an emotionless golem to speak to you about what's bothering him. Do that and your man won't be triggered by the idea of talking to his girlfriend, like I am.
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5d
You're welcome.
Literally nothing, ever. In fact pushing for that is a warning.
I've learned this the hard way. The more they push the more likely it us that they are going to use it against you or, at best, lose a piece of respect for you. My advice guys, if you need to get something off your chest, get a dog or see a therapist. Anything but your s/o.
You got downvoted but this is true. I don't think weaponizing it is always the conscious goal but it is the outcome.
I always kinda wonder what this obsession is with 'men being vulnerable' from women here lol.
Expressing vulnerability is a statement of trust, which tends to be really attractive. I love that my fiancé trusts me so much that she can talk to me about any vulnerability or fear or insecurity. And I love that I trust her so much that I can do the same.
Because being in a romantic relationship requires vulnerability.
Nailed it.
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5d
You can’t relate so just listen to him, let him talk about it, and comfort him with a hand or a hug if that’s what he wants. Saying anything is going to get him to shut down (at least it would get me to shut down).
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5d
For me it is. What could you possibly say to comfort me about being blown up or shot? I’m not trying to be rude, but really what could you say? Clearly I’m not good at opening up lol
Edit: A hand or a hug when I need it and you listening is more sufficient to let me know that you care
Honestly it’s best to say or do absolutely nothing. If I want to open up in a relationship I will, but when it has been drawn out of me has been when it has been used against me in the future. Many men have this experience and so we can see it as a red flag if the partner pushes us to do it. That kind of emotional vulnerability is an earned right and it isn’t earned easily.
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5d
You’re welcome, thank you for wanting to try though. It’s a great thing to have a partner you can trust!
I don’t think there’s anything you can really say. Pushing for it will have the opposite reaction. I think about my fiancé and she was just there for me.
The woman I dated before her basically called me a pussy and got dismissive when I tried to open up about feeling insecure and afraid about some shit I was experiencing at work, so I dumped her.
My fiancé never pushed me to be vulnerable, she was just always there, always supportive, and always kind when I did open up about how I was feeling.
I think women always think they want a man that’s really attuned to his emotions and aren’t afraid to show his more sensitive side but from my experience and just how it feels as a man it can be really off putting if not done at an appropriate time or place. I feel like that’s usually with my girlfriend when it’s just us at home. The one thing that always helps me open up to a new partner though is when they are taking a risk as well and sharing something intimate. At first it’s just silly shit then as that trust builds you each can feel safe exposing more of yourself.
A little give and take is the right way. Best way to earn someones trust is by giving them yours, a little at a time.
Exactly, trust is built not given 🤙
Responding well when I do it. Trust is built up over time, not all at once with some magic word.
There's nothing you can do. There are only things you can not do.
In my experience, if I connect well enough with a woman to be discussing seriously vulnerable things, she's been safe to share those things with.
I don't know that there's a set of characteristics so much as just an ease I feel with them on a gut level. I try to be as much myself as I can with people, so I actively seek those who make me feel safe being open and vulnerable.
By and large, they're others with similar history to myself, of depression, anxiety, ADHD, and so on. Childhood traumas, divorced parents, the works, so there's also a lot of common ground to relate on.
In writing this after your edit.
I think you just have to show that you’re actively listening, not judging, and actually interested in what is being said. You can always tell when someone is only listening until it’s “their turn” to talk. Does not foster trust. Or someone who says you can open up to them and they wear their emotion on their face. Again, does not foster trust. You have to genuinely be ready to be present, be open, and just listen (and respond when it’s appropriate).
Being fine with trust forming slowly over time instead of trying to force it.
I am a fairly open person so not really much to open up tbh. If there is something I am not open about chances are I won't be open about it regardless of what someone does.
Did that, she became my wife and then used that information against me and even took some of my biggest vulnerabilities and held it against me when we argued.
Can’t say I’d ever do that again.
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5d
"Let him see I'm not going to use things against him", yeah, right now you aren't. It's the same as sending nudes. The person you send them to isn't going to pass them around or use them against you right now, but how about in a year, or five years, or when they're really upset at you, or the relationship is burning out? Are you ready to take that risk?
That's not to say there's nobody trustworthy. But if you do trust that person, you'd better be right.
Honestly if you read my past post you’d see my story.
In regard to having a man trust you and open up to you (at least for me again) it’s a long ass road after being broken like that.
That being said I would also be wary if he opened up too fast. I can’t speak for all men but a few men I know in my men’s group who “open up fast” tend to wear their heart on their short sleeves.
No woman is safe. Not your girlfriend, your wife, or your best friend. Don’t ever open up especially when they say they are an emotional safe haven.
This.
If someone opens up to you, the worst thing you can do, is make it about you.
It doesn’t matter if you are the one they complain about, or whatever. Take it as a sign of trust, and reflect on what made them feel that way. Take it in.
Instead, show them that they matter to you, and that them sharing isn’t a bad thing. But rather let it be a chance for your relationship to grow stronger, and help them feel better.
The first question in this would be: What exactly do you mean with being "emotionally vulnerable"? And why would you want that?
This will be a very hard thing to do, for the reason you've stated, where women will ask for vulnerability and then get turned off when they get it.
I'm generalizing here, but the first thing you should do, is explain to him that an emotional connection makes sex better for you (assuming this is true of course). The stronger the emotional connection the better the sex. Most guys want to be your best lover, so this sets you up so your "reward" will be more impactful.
It's going to take time, probably a long time. The best way is just to reward the behavior. Start small, get him to share small things, then overcompensate with the "reward". Try to get him to open up in bed, where you're just talking not being sexually intimate. After he gives you his little nugget, rock his world. Let him know how turned on you are and that you feel like his sharing strengthen your connection, which is really sexy to you. Remember, his fear is that opening up will be a turn-off, so you have to show him that it's the opposite. Afterwards, harp on how good that was because of that connection. You don't have to be so "on the nose" with it, but make the implications.
Never tell ANYONE anything he's opened up about, I would refrain from even telling people that he's sensitive. Even the "He's so manly he's not afraid to show his emotions" can be problematic for some men, and should be avoided. I'm sure this doesn't need to be said, but in the interest of completeness, never, no matter how mad you get at him, throw this in his face.
Have patience, it could take a long time for the trust to build.
When discussing emotions, men are hypervigilant to watch any signs that the person they are sharing with is judging them or beginning to see them as weak and will shut down at the slightest signal. Men want to be respected, understood, and cared for (likely, in that order). Any threat to the first will cause a man to retreat, and over-nurturing or expressing sympathy, pity, or feeling bad for us directly or indirectly may backfire. Instead, try to use a neutral tone and validate that you think his emotions (both verbally expressed and indicated by his body language) are totally normal and that anyone would feel this way in the same situation. Repeat what you think you heard or what you think he is feeling to show that you understand or to get more clarity if you are off.
Maintain the mindset that your husband is independent and could deal with this on his own but is opening up to you because he trusts you, wants to be understood, and thinks it would be better to deal with it together. One analogy I have from parenting, is when my kid trips and falls, if I rush over and ask “oh sweetie, are you okay?” in the you-poor-thing voice, I am indicating I think he needs my help, and he will start crying and acting more childish even if he isn't really hurt. If instead, I walk over slowly and say “I’ll help you up” in a neutral voice, he will self-soothe immediately unless he is actually hurt. With your male partner, over-sympathizing or over-nurturing will either shut him down completely or encourage him to emotionally dump and act in a self-pitying way that causes you to actually lose your respect for him. On that note, if you start to feel he is becoming too emotionally needy and your respect/desire is dwindling, acknowledge how your own behaviors might have manifested that behavior and learn to set better boundaries instead of blaming/judging him. The goal is for him to be more comfortable talking about his emotions, not to get him to swing too far the other direction into an emotionally needy “pick-me boy” man child. Recognize that some of level of men’s emotional avoidance is healthy and sometimes distracting him or allowing him freedom to distract himself is a better coping strategy than endlessly talking about or ruminating on a minor issue. Our emotional avoidance is only a problem when we become too self-sacrificing or completely ignore bigger emotions that can’t be ignored, and we start to bottle up our emotions until they explode.
If your partner is struggling to get words out or you see signs of withdrawing, this is not the time to press him further. Instead, reiterate that you don’t judge his inner world or difficulty talking. You can also suggest tabling it or doing something together as a distraction (we are also more comfortable talking while doing an activity generally) or use humor to de-escalate. Tell him that you understand that most of the other times in his life that he tried to express his feelings it backfired, so it is normal to not feel safe (and you want to help heal from that and learn to be confident in saying what he really thinks/feels by never judging him).
One counter-intuitive strategy, especially so for women, is to give your partner the exact response he fears most in the most joking tone possible (e.g. “If you’re feeling uncomfortable, just remember that if you express any emotion, I will never desire you physically ever again, so there is no pressure” or “I can’t believe you are getting so emotional over something so small as your dad dying. I didn’t know I was dating such a p***y”). This is risky if done imperfectly or with the wrong guy/situation, but for me, personally, it is surprisingly effective when my close guy friends do things like this. It disarms the fear, shows an understanding of it, lowers the tension through laughter, and implicitly expresses you think I am strong enough to take the joke. Follow it up with something sweet and caring, “I love hearing you express these things, it makes me feel closer to you.”
Another counter-intuitive strategy for women, is to just say and do nothing at all in certain circumstances, and let him save face. For example, sometimes my wife rides on the golf cart with me when I go golfing. Almost all men get irrationally frustrated at some point in a golf round and may act in embarrassing ways. When I play with guys, we all know to just ignore it when someone gets like this and act like nothing is wrong. Within a few holes, they are over it. My wife always tries to comfort me or minimize the issue, and I just get mad/embarrassed that she is bringing attention to me acting irrationally, when I want to ignore it. I end up getting angrier than I ever was before. I think women see ignoring someone that is upset as rude/uncaring, when men might feel the opposite.
Lastly, Try to perspective take and connect whatever emotion he is expressing to an unmet desire, and express that you care for it and want him to have that unmet desire met. A few personal examples: Emotionally neglectful parents -> want to be allowed to express my emotions without defensiveness, blame, criticism. Hate myself because of ADHD -> want grace and love even when I mess up, want someone to be supported in becoming more self-sufficient, wish others gave me more achievable standards. Feel like I am controlled / losing my independence -> want my suggestions to be seen as equal, want more free time without guilt. Lack of physical intimacy -> want to feel desired or at least feel that my partner actively wants to make me feel desired. Hate myself for being too passive -> want positive feedback and less push-back when I am assertive and want my easy-going nature to be appreciated.
Remember that it is not your responsibility to actually meet your partner’s desires, so there is no reason to be defensive or blaming. It is only your responsibility to show that you care about the desires. I hope this is helpful.
This worn-out notion that women like a "sensitive" guy is all a ruse. Men know what I'm talking about. You really actually don't and your actions speak louder than words.
If she genuinely tries to understand things instead of projecting her negativity that would be a good sign for me. Men tend not to share things with women since women tend to default to being judgemental of men instead of trying to understand them. It's not a made up thing men made to be closed off to women to seem cool it's a learned behavior.
Promises are like personal checks. It doesn't matter what you promise.... It matters if the bank will cash it.
Most men live without safety nets because there is no public backlash for abusing them. That's the core reason they don't open up. This puts people like you at a serious disadvantage.... Because you are trying to write men checks that they know a bank won't cash.
What men need to see to feel safer being vulnerable is for people to face public accountability when they hurt men. There is only so much you can do by looking trustworthy without accountability to be so.
Not a goddamn thing. The only place I'll ever open up is in the semi-anonymity of the internet, or in confession. All it does is hand them a knife to gut you with.
Maybe a decade of her actually taking responsibility and apologizing when she is are wrong. That may be enough to trust a woman.
If you are a kind and caring person, then he will open up to you, in time, without being asked. Just listening and being comforting is all I would ask.
Literally everything but talking about it or asking me about it. Actions mean more than words, and after what I've been through, even actions might not be clear enough. I'll talk when I feel like talking.
He don't wanna talk about it, means give him time or maybe he's better off not saying anything.
Laughing at me for feelin sad, or depressed or not happy. Makes it worse.
Getting mad at me for being mad at you or something, will plant the seed of resentment.
If a man shows he's weak that means the people who know will have something to hold over their head for as long as they know them.
Nothing. Been burned too badly too often. Never again.
Nothing. I know better.
Honestly, nothing. Even when I opened up to my wife about things when dating, she clearly has no knowledge on how to handle it.
Maybe some sense of humour could help... I mean if used regularly
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5d
Proper sense of humour doesn't make a human funny, but his/her fears and attachments.
After they are lightweight and funny, there is no vulnerability.
But proper sense of humour could be rare unfortunately
Nothing, it's not just women, I don't trust anyone these days. Everyone is just waiting for an opportunity to destroy me by being vulnerable.
Nothing you say can make them feel safe. There's lots of things you can say or do that make them feel not safe.
If she lets me be vulnerable to her exposed gaping butt hole
They were not being emotionally vulnerable. They were absolutely doing 'trauma dumping' which is what socially incompetent and somehow insanely self-centred people people do.
In a normal relationship, you exchange vulnerabilities. You get to know more and more about each other. It's gradual. What those stupid wankers are doing, is not a gradual process over the course of months or even years of constantly being there for each other before you can trust them with some things. I hate this stupid shit so fucking much. Stop blaming women because you jacked off to cartoons instead of socialising with your peers during formative years of development.
I've always had a knack for making other guys (and some women) feel safe opening up to me
I think it's a combination of things
One thing, is that they can't see you making fun of other people, especially for their feelings or reactions. If they've seen you do that even once they'll probably never trust you, but you can't blame them
Another is you have to listen and that means when they talk you can't interrupt. If you're one of those people who can't talk to someone without cutting them off it's not going to work
Another thing, you have to show them that you actually listen when they speak, by remembering what they've said, especially the parts that were important to them, and maybe showing you remember by asking about it when it comes up
I think for women this is harder because women don't seem to understand that sharing certain emotions is terrifying for a man. It's like handing someone a knife and showing them where your heart is