AITA for yelling at my sister in law for ignoring my niece's health complaints?

Asshole

I (29F) am the proud aunt of two amazing kids, Chloe (7 y/o) and Harry (8 y/o).

I get along really well with the both of them and their parents (My sister Amber (37F) and her wife Kate (38F)) ask me to babysit them sometimes. We have a special bond

The other day, the kids Amber and I went out to the park. Kate wasn't there because she is a general surgeon and her work-life balance is nonexistent at this point. Kids were playing together in this playground area and Amber and I else were sitting together having a chat.

We heard a scream and rushed to the kids. It turns out Chloe fell and was crying holding her arm. We both freaked out. Together, Amber and I took Chloe to the hospital that Kate works at. They took an x-ray of Chloe's arm and everything.

After Amber trying multiple times and finally reaching Kate, she came down to the ER. She took a look at the X-ray, talked to the ER doctor, and without letting even the slightest bit of emotion or compassion toward her crying daughter and wife, said it was just a small fracture, that it didn't extend to the joint and would be okay in a few weeks' time with just casting.

The only compassionate thing she did was holding Amber when they got Chloe's little arm into a cast. I got really mad at Kate and said she was downplaying her daughter's broken arm and acting as if nothing was wrong! She simply said kids get injuries like this a lot and there was nothing extraordinary going on here.

I may be TA here because I called her an ice cold insensitive mother. Amber got so mad she practically kicked me out of the ER and said she'd go back home with Kate and the kids herself. She said I'd better apologize to Kate before coming over to their house again.

So was I TA for expecting a more human reaction? Should I apologize?

in AmItheAssholeby UnlikelyPea4329

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SoImaRedditUserNow

5.0K

Pooperintendant [58]

YTA

to paraphrase Obi Wan Kenobi, your feelings do you credit, but you were out of line.

One thing you didn't say about Kate was that she was a robot. Meaning that you didn't complain that Kate was never emotional, or never expressed love or affection to her kids. You did say she was busy as hell, but no other complaints about her parenting.

Well. She's a surgeon. At work. Surgeons... at times, have to have guard up, and/or be eminently practical. Person has medical condition x, here's how we treat it. Plus she's at work, she's mentally reviewing a procedure she's going to be doing later in the day, or mentally reviewing a procedure she's already done, or half a dozen other things that they're juggling at a time. That she made time to come down during her work to see her daughter is a pretty big deal. From her perspective, her daughter was barely hurt, in the sense there would be no permanent damage, no long term therapies needed, no surgery. Cast and done.

This is not to say she was the perfect mom, but she is a surgeon in work mode. HEr daughter was otherwise fine. And who is to say what Kate was like after work when she had a moment to disengage from work mode and be a mother again.

get off your high horse and apologize.

LemonLazyDaisy

2.6K

Also, sometimes it is important to have a calm demeanor with children (and some adults) during emergencies to help assure them that everything is okay.

Doctors do not have the luxury of having “a more human reaction” for every case that they see. Not from a work performance standpoint, not from a mental health standpoint.

Take the L. Admit you handled it inappropriately. Apologize profusely to your sister and SIL.

YTA

SoImaRedditUserNow

1.0K

Pooperintendant [58]

yeah good point... a kid with a broken bone, and an adult freaking out about it will just feed into a circle of panic

LemonLazyDaisy

392

Right! If adults are freaking out, something must be wrong. Esp if it’s the dr.

isla_inchoate

Partassipant [1]

When my niece was 3, she slipped off of a raft like a greased pig and went head first into the pool. My other sister and I both had arms holding her but she slid right out. We grabbed her by the feet within seconds, pulled her out, she was fine. But she was clearly about to start crying. I would have, too! Her mom started to run into the pool to comfort her.

But one woman who was there (who actually was a pediatric PA) goes, “Oh my gosh, Lily, you went under water for the FIRST TIME!!!” And everyone cheered. My niece started cheering, too. She was so proud of herself. Niece was rightfully shaken up and terrified, but the PA really reframed that and saved the day.

ghalta

157

Certified Proctologist [23]

Relevant comic

broken_softly

285

I teach second grade. I think of that comic very often!

Once, one of my kiddos knocked his head pretty good on the playground structure. Nasty head wound. Definitely needed a couple of stitches. “Bah. You’re fine. Let’s just get it cleaned up. You’re fine.” —Me to office. Meet me halfway to the front playground to escort a kid to the nurse— “You’re fine. Leave him alone. He’s fine. He’s fine. Shoo. Go play.” As soon as the other kids were properly shooed away, he really did seem like he was just fine. Then, the vice principal showed up and I saw the little ‘o’ of panic. “He’s fine!” I quickly reminded her.

She quickly remembered and agreed. “Oh; certainly fine.”

The kid didn’t cry until his mom showed up because she panicked when she saw him. (Completely fairly. I would have otherwise.) He really was fine though. Got two or so stitches and came to school the very next day. I miss that group.

boredgeekgirl

154

When our tiny kids fell we used to clap and cheer like they just did coolest trick in the world and we had never seen anything so amazing before. 9/10 they gave us the biggest smile and either went back to playing or gave us a hug and went back to playing. If they were hurt, then they didn't and we responses accordingly (but not panicked). Worked like a charm. And they had a great time on the playground.

Most stranger parents though looked at us like we had 2 heads, horns, and likely ruled hell.

valathel

117

Colo-rectal Surgeon [37]

I remember looking out the kitchen window, seeing my 4 year old wipe out on the gravel driveway. I watched him look at his leg, then try to peer in the windows to see if I was watching. The little booger was smiling. I was interested in what he'd do, so I walked outside. As soon as he saw me, he burst into tears in the most dramatic way like his leg was amputated. He wailed until I told him I had been watching him.

PrairieRunner_65

I watched my 18mos old little sister tumble down about four steps--alarming, and probably bruising, but not terminal (and no head bumps). She was just surprised and didn't start crying because our mom threatened the first person to be upset and set her off...we all stayed calm and she never did cry.

boredgeekgirl

Lol. Classic

2dogslife

Asshole Enthusiast [9]

Decades ago, I was at a public park watching the toddlers play.

One wiped out, Mom laughing says, "You're fine," a watery grin, then a giggle, and the kid was back in the middle of it.

Another one bit the dust, his mom was all "Oh MY! Are You OK Sweetie? You Poor Thing!" The kid had looked fine at the start, then a bit confused, and finally by the end of his Mom's tirade, had a noisy blast of tears.

Doing the whole, act as you want them to act, or at least, stoic, is actually a help in getting children to gain control of themselves.

LadybugGal95

Yeah, that when they didn’t can be crazy though. I was director of a summer day camp. We were playing with the parachute one day and two kids collided when changing places under it. One of the kids complained his arm hurt. I had him sit down and gave him an ice pack. We called mom together because he wanted picked up. She said she’d try to get off early but neither of us thought it was that big of a deal. About an hour later, he still didn’t want to do anything and said it hurt. It was a little swollen. I called mom back and let her know. She asked if we had Tylenol that he could take. We only had tablets and he couldn’t swallow pills. I offered to try though. When I explained it to him and asked if he wanted to try the pill, he said he wanted one. He didn’t even try to swallow. He took it chewed it up and swallowed without water or anything. Didn’t even flinch at the taste. I immediately called mom back and said I thought we’d both misjudged and told what he had just done. She was there in 20 minutes. Turns out he broke his arm. (He was able to move both the joints above and below the injury. I checked that before calling the first time.)

Ijustreadalot

My friend taught me the cheering trick when my kids were babies. My son fell and hit his head at a family bbq once and screamed. I dropped everything and scooped him up immediately. I calmed him down and assessed the situation. He ended up with a fat goose-egg but was otherwise fine and ready to play in a few minutes. My aunt tried to give me a whole lecture about my reaction. I was like, nope. This is the toughest kid I know, if he starts crying when he hits the ground there is something wrong.

Happy_Flow826

We did that too, so now when our kid is truly hurt physically or emotionally we know. Cuz sometimes he gets embarrassed now that he's older, and I have to ask him is it real ouch, or is it a feelings ouch so I can administer hugs kissed bandaids or ice packs as needed.

Xilonen03

I don't suppose you and your spouse are (were?) psych professors? One of my psych profs told us about doing this exact thing with his little kids back when I was a student? 😂

boredgeekgirl

Not us. I don't remember how this started for us...probably saw some other family do it, and it seemed to work. The pre-internet way of getting parenting advice lol

Sleipnir82

Asshole Enthusiast [7]

Happened this way with my parents all the time. I remember once when I was 8 or so, going flying down (which was a steep slope) my driveway on my bike, decided it was a great idea to see if I could take my hands off the handlebars at the same time, went right past my parents who were working in the garage. I went off the driveway, on to the grass, and straight into a tree. I got up, I was in pain, they got up and walked over, not saying much, but as soon as they saw my wrist, they were like hmmm we should probably get that checked out. And so off we went to the doctor. I mean, the pain sucked, but I wasn't freaking out because they were super calm about it.

SsjAndromeda

Still relevant into adulthood when seeing a parent after any trauma. I was in a car accident in my 20s and had a gushing head wound. I did absolutely fine in the ambulance, at the hospital, through the tests, but as soon as my mom showed up, I broke down like a baby. Sure I blamed it on the adrenaline wearing off, but I think it was more of I needed comfort.

Adventurous_Ad_6546

Yup there’s something very powerful in your psyche’s “ok this is happening to me and I have to hold it together because I’m the only one who can keep it together gotta keep it together I’m cool oh look there’s mom now she can hold it together while I belatedly realize how stressful this is” song and dance.

gregor_vance

When one of my kids falls or gets scraped up I always do a quick check to make sure they’re ok and then ask, “What does a boo boo mean?”

“It means I tried something new and am having fun.”

They’re still crying much of the time but it gets their mind off of what just happened. It works a good 90% of the time.

OrdinaryMango4008

Primary teacher here…you are so right. All is just fine until mom or dad comes and deals with the injury. A calm child is easier to deal with and treat.

auntynell

My Grandaughter, 8 came in with a bloody knee the other day and for the first time ever didn’t cry. I was impressed and a little sad she’s growing up so quickly.

greentea1985

Partassipant [1]

Exactly. Usually kids won’t cry until they see how their parents react unless it is a major injury. If a kid is immediately crying in pain or showing signs of a bad injury before even acknowledging their parent or responding adult, it’s really bad.

Erdrick98

16h

I knew what it was before I clicked it cause it hits my mind every time I watch my nieces and nephews

agoldgold

129

Partassipant [2]

Hell, my father is a pastor who sometimes needs to minister to the sick or dying. For those not religious or with exclusively negative experiences, he's basically a culturally-specific grief counselor in his role at this time. He's been specifically trained not to be overly emotional because his job is to support the family, not feed into his own feelings. That includes times when he's ministering to long-time friends as they die. He cannot center himself or feed into a situation to make it more painful.

People who work in difficult situations know that big reactions make everything worse.

chaos-possum

When my little brother broke his arm at 12, my 17 year old ass rode the ambulance to the hospital and held him while it was set because the paramedics couldn't deal with our Ma's freakout. The nurses wouldn't let her into the ER when she finally showed up, because we need LESS PANIC.

He was totally fine, I bought him a game cube the next day and got destroyed by a preteen at super smash Bros all summer while he was casted from shoulder to wrist.

Alarmed_Anybody425

You are a good brother! ❤️

cornerlane

When i get in an accident people aren't allowed to call my mother. Only after i got help. Inmagine me beeing hurt and have to take care of my mom at the same time.

Last year something really traumatic happend to me. She wanted me to comfort her. For the first time i said i felt really bad myself and i couldn't

cornerlane

I'm happy he got you

Dazzling_Plastic_813

Can confirm this. I fell off the monkey bars and ended up scraping my forehead and breaking my arm when I was 8, if my parents were freaking out I would’ve been A LOT more distraught than what I had been when I got home from the playground to get cleaned up and taken to the ER. Because they were so calm, yes I was still screaming and crying because OW, but I wasn’t panicking.

sweet_hedgehog_23

I agree. I broke my leg as a 7-year-old. My mom was a little frantic while the car was still on my leg, but once the car backed up she at least externally calmed down. I'm sure internally there was still some freaking out going on. I think if the adults around me were freaking out it would have made things even scarier. I also probably would have been panicking instead of just crying in the ambulance if the adults had all freaked out.

Dazzling_Plastic_813

Plus having her SIL being able to look at the X-rays and saying it wasn’t anything horrific I’m sure made the niece feel 100x better because mama wasn’t worried and mama is a surgeon, so why should we be worried! It also probably calmed down her other mom a bit because of how much knowledge mama the surgeon has about these kinds of things!!!

OP YTA and need to be groveling at their feet and apologizing PROFUSELY because what you said was completely out of line! You do not know their dynamics 100% and Kate being there even though she was at work is HUGE and shows she cares! Who knows how many cases she had to move/reschedule/cancel or be late to for her daughter!

Mum_of_rebels

When my daughter had major surgery at 2. She was in hospital for a week. The day we left I got so much information. I mixed two lots of instructions into one.

I ended up at a check up 2 weeks early. Which was actually the date of the end of her medication.

finitetime2

I'm an old man and if my Dr is freaking out then I'm leaving.

Ohmalley-thealliecat

Also like. Kate is right. Kids do get fractures like that all the time, and it isn’t a big deal. When you work in healthcare it does kind of… change the way you react to things like this. Some people do find that annoying, but I imagine OP’s sister doesn’t, because she’s used to it. If my wife the general surgeon was acting panicked about my kid having a clean fracture, I’d think either something was more wrong or there’d been some kind of body snatchers situation.

summercloudsadness

Witnessed this as a kid. My sibling fell and broke her bone, but she was calm and a bit confused until mother & grandmother came running and screaming, and it became a whole scream fest. She wouldn't stop crying the entire way to the hospital. Basically, two grown people scared a child into panic mode when there wasn't even a scratch on her arm.

DarwinOfRivendell

100% of the time it is better for the parent to not react emotionally to kid injuries, it does not help manage the situation and freaks the kid out worse. It is far more comforting for your caregiver to be calm and unperturbed. I always think of bad turbulence flights I’ve been on and how the FA’s demeanours really helps everyone stay cool, the people in charge are calm, things are ok.

mmmmmarty

My mom freaked over every small thing when I was young. Took me 10 years to learn that histrionics weren't necessary over every single accident.