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YTA. You do not get to dismiss someone else's struggle just because you are struggling too. You completely lack empathy. This is not a competition and you are making it one. Learn how to speak with empathy with another person or else prepare for your brother to go no contact with you.
But the bro is dismissing their struggles.
I imagine the brother's making comparisons defensively, because OP is trivializing his illness. This is what the brother is reportedly saying:
That I have to stop making it sound like it’s oh soo easy
OP clearly has a mild, manageable case of POTS if he can say this:
but I do think POTS is not that scary or dangerous and treatment involves lifestyle changes or symptomatic meds if needed at most
Not everyone is so lucky as to be able to control their POTS with lifestyle changes, or even meds. OP is assuming that his presumably mild version of POTS is just as easy to manage as his brother's, and that's not a fair assumption. POTS is a very heterogeneous condition. (It may even be a cluster of conditions; the science is at a very preliminary stage.)
POTS can be extremely severe and there are very limited treatment options available. It's not easy to manage for everyone. It can leave you bedridden and unable to even sit up.
I say this not to trivialize OP's experience. OP clearly has a major and very scary illness. I don't know which of them has it worse. It doesn't matter.
OP just needs to stop trivializing the illness that is leaving his brother bedridden. It's clearly not having a small impact on his brother's life. It's not proving to be "easy to manage." OP needs to find some empathy and stop making this a competition.
YTA. POTS can be more or less severe, and affects every person differently. There is no cure and sometimes meds control it, but sometimes they don't. You shouldn't be comparing your illness to him. It's not a competition and you have no idea what his subjective experience is like.
Also, are you sure it's only POTS he's dealing with? POTS has a lot of common comorbidities that are less well understood and often go undiagnosed. For example, ME/CFS is a devastating illness that often leaves people bedbound and has zero treatments. If he's gone from active to bedbound in just 6 months, I would wonder whether he has that as well.
ETA: Because of some of the comments I'm seeing, I'm going to add more context.
First, I live with POTS and ME/CFS, and like OP's brother, I am basically bedridden. It's not a minor affliction. It can lead to a very low quality of life. My quality of life is absolutely terrible right now. And I've exhausted all the current treatment options. There is nothing I can do to improve my situation, not until science advances.
There are people with POTS who have trouble not just standing, but sitting up in bed. Depending on the day, I can sit up for a little while, but it exhausts me. I'm already bedridden but both my conditions could be much worse.
Most chronic illnesses comes with a broad range of severities. I don't know how severe OP's case is right now, and what their quality of life is like. I don't know if they are totally disabled or if they are able to walk around or maybe even work.
I don't know what OP's brother's illness is like, except that OP has described him as "bedridden" (which suggests a very low quality of life).
Because I don't know details, I'm not expressing an opinion on whose quality of life is lower. And neither should you.
While your point about comorbidities is completely valid, POTS alone took me from active and healthy to bedbound in a couple of weeks. (I'm doing better now thanks to completely changing everything about my life and a long list of medications, plus the dumb luck of being someone who responds well to treatment - many people don't.) It can be plenty devastating on its own. At the beginning I was too weak to even hold my own head up, and I'd been walking miles in awful heat not even a month earlier.
I say this not to participate in any illness Olympics, but because I know POTS isn't always very well known and I want people to know it's a huge range. It can be a mild inconvenience or totally disabling and everything in between.
It can be plenty devastating on its own.
I 100% agree. It can be really, really bad.
A lot of the people saying NTA likely have no idea what POTS is like. It can be a terrible, totally disabling illness.
I'm glad you're doing a bit better, and I hope you will continue to improve. Who knows. A lot of us are pretty much just waiting and hoping science progresses within our lifetimes.
Thank you, and the same to you too. It does seem like research is moving forward a wee bit faster now, at least. Sucks that it took a mass disabling event to get it there (and for ME/CFS too).
Yes, I am encouraged by the research that's going on. Honestly it's the only thing that keeps me going.
If you can't be empathetic and stop the comparisons, be honest with him and say that you just don't have the bandwidth to provide that kind of support. If you continue down this path of insisting you have it worse, YTA.
This is the correct answer. OPs response is not empathetic. I also understand why she struggles with supporting her brother in light of her own severe illness. Just be honest with your brother about this and let him know you're not the best placed person to be an emotional support person for him.
My sister has recurring relapsing MS and has ended up in the hospital on a ventilator on more than one occasion. I'd say light ESH because dealing with either one of these diagnosis is terrifying. OP needs to learn to step back and put her own care first - let the brother know she loves him and understands where he is coming but drop the judgement, Brother needs to understand OP is dealing with their own illnesses and stop comparing illnesses and offer the same support to OP that he expects.
YTA
- You’re one person who he can relate to, and you’re turning it into the pain olympics and you’re choosing to be an ass cause you had it longer. It doesn’t work like that.
- Are you his doctor? Did you run tests or exams on him to be able to judge his pain levels or if he can recover from it? No? Then shush.
- You’re very condescending and exhausting in your post about all your details about how you suffer more. Do everyone around you a favour and gain some empathy, otherwise you’re gonna find yourself alone.
- He’s right, you sound like an elitist.
- You’re at your wits end? What about the people around you who have to actually hear your elitist crap? I feel more sorry for them.
YTA. Illness isn't a competition. If someone feels bad, then they feel bad. You don't get to tell them how to feel or deal with their problem.
YTA.
Stop offering him solutions. Stop comparing it your situation. Just let the dude vent without making things about you or how to solve things.
You wouldn't think to yourself that your broke your nose, arm and leg 8 years ago, so someone who is experiencing their first broken arm is making a big deal about nothing.
But this is your attitude towards your brother's chronic illness - that you've gone through all this stuff so he shouldn't be worried or freaked about by it, even though this is him experiencing it all firsthand for the first time.
And you're trying to rationalise and problem-solve with logic, which obviously isn't going to help, because the issue is he is afraid and feeling a lot right now, and just wants someone to LISTEN and hear his feelings and agree that the symptoms suck to deal with. He's not looking for you to pull a cure out your ass, he just wants to be heard and hear something like 'I've been there, and it took time to learn to manage and adjust, but you can too, you'll be okay'.
You know something that makes it sound like you hear him and is comforting because he went from completely healthy to bedbound in 6 months. That is scary. He is scared of this reality where getting out of bed is difficult becoming his permanent new reality for the rest of his life.
It's not a contest. My brother has MS, but he can actually do more than I can with my problems. My pain and sickness doesn't negate his, his doesn't negate mine. Both can be bad off. Good lord, gatekeeping illnesses now. Grow the hell up. Just because one person has it bad, it doesn't mean no one else can. Yeah my brother could be blind, not walk or anything else associated with MS tomorrow. And I could be walking to the bathroom tomorrow and my blood pressure drop and I die in a puddle of my own shit.
ESH, you need to communicate with him that you can’t provide the support he is looking for. I don’t necessarily think you’re being an asshole, because it is part of being human to compare ourselves to others. However, the same chronic illness can vary in severity among different people, and your brother’s suffering is as valid to him as yours is to you. Be the bigger person and communicate, don’t be passive aggressive.
YTA
It’s not a competition.
This. I'd say ESH though, because it seems the brother does it too.
YTA for engaging in the Disability Olympics. It's not about 'who has it worse'; your brother's dealing with an upending of his entire life, and it sounds like when he tries to talk to you about it, you just want to brush him off. You need to try a little empathy, to understand that for him, he's lost or stands to lose everything he knows as normal. He's scared right now, struggling to deal with the changes POTS has imposed on his life, and you shrugging and saying it's nothing isn't helping at all. Encourage him to stay positive, talk to him about finding ways to do what he wants despite POTS, but listen to his concerns about remind yourself that playing the 'my disability is worse than yours' game is always going to result in everyone losing.
YTA stop being competitive with your brother over who’s got it worse. Why are you doing that ?
Bc the bro is acting like HE HAS IT WORSE when he DOESN'T
Are you psychic that you know the comparative levels of illness between two strangers on the internet?
Based on what OP has said, brother is bedridden and OP probably isn't. Sounds to me like the brother really does have it worse than OP.
So what?
If OP can't be civil or empathetic, maybe it's time to take a break from the relationship. If the alternative is comparing their situations and pretending hers is more important, they can't engage productively right now.
The point is to support each other, not try to gaslight them into thinking their symptoms don't suck. OP had time to adjust to her dx (and maybe hasn't done the best job, since it's still so prominent in her mind?) and the brother will need the same. No one can do that work for you, it's an inside job.
YTA. God, you are such TAH. How dare someone else suffer. Especially when they are new to the ‘barometer of suffering’ you’ve set. Based on my own troubles, not that you’d acknowledge them, I can tell you, hardship is not a competition, at least not one that I would want to win. If you can’t separate his experience from yours, then do him a favor and separate yourself.
As someone who also has MS (and those monthly injections)...soft ESH. Exercising empathy for others is a good thing. You might have it worse but you've also dealt with your hardships longer.
He's definitely in the wrong for making comparisons, but getting a big chip on your shoulder,ranking illnesses and invalidating other people's experiences isn't the solution.
YTA. I also have MS and my daughter also has POTS. Would it be fair of me to not take your MS seriously just because my experience with MS than yours? I can see why feel POTS is nbd because you also have MS. Your perspective is different, and yes it can be annoying to have someone trying to compare an incurable progressive illness to something that some people have reported to have resolved on it's own, but that isn't the point. It wasn't kind or necessary. Yes, we could wake up blind tomorrow, but that doesn't make his experience or his symptoms of POTS any less real.
I can see why feel POTS is nbd
POTS can be bad enough to render people completely bedridden for years, and while it sometimes improves on its own, in many cases it does not. It's very poorly understood and the prognosis can be quite uncertain. Without knowing how severe OP's brother's case is, we can't say it's NBD.
I agree. I didn't proofread my comment, I left out the a "you" in that quoted part. My point was because he has both, and MS is a progressive illness, he may see his POTS as nbd compared to his MS, thus is brother's POTS as nbd. Not to say that I consider POTS to be lesser that MS.
I have never told my daughter that her POTS is nothing to worry about compared to my MS. We struggled for a few years to find a doctor that wouldn't dismiss her symptoms as simple anxiety because she is a young adult woman.
YTA for downplaying his suffering.
Also, it's possible his symptoms are more severe than yours were. Not every person suffers from the same affliction in the same way.
Also also, different people have different degrees of pain tolerance, and that tolerance shifts. After years of MS, yours is probably incredibly high. I bet you were complaining nonstop when your symptoms started though. As is understandable. Let him complain about his affliction too. It's new for him.
You're really coming off self- centered here. Not everything is about you and what you can handle. It really seems like you don't want to share the "I'm in pain" spotlight too, which is just gross behaviour.
Let him complain. He's probably had to listen to your pain for YEARS.
YTA. When you were first diagnosed, how did you feel about it? Did it take you time to adjust? Did it feel like things would never improve?
A chronic illness is life changing and your brother is trying to navigate it. When you dismiss his symptoms by giving advice, he doesn’t want advice - he wants your empathy. He wants to talk to someone who understands what it is like, and you’re turning it into some kind of competition.
My sister and I are both chronically ill with similar but different issues. She’s the only person who understands when I say it’s a bad day that I’m not wanting her to tell me to rest or get a hot water bottle or do yoga, I want her to go “uhhh yeah I know, this week has hit me hard too” or something.
Be more open to the fact also that your brother might have other as-yet-undiagnosed issues which go hand in hand with POTS. Even MS has genetic links, he could be just a few years behind you. Be kind.
YTA - i sympathize with feeling like him saying he's in a similar position as you feels like it's belittling your experience since you have POTS and MS but the reality is that it's not a competition and he's not saying that to make light of your condition, he's just trying to relate to the only person in his life he feels like can get it. Going from being active/working out to being bed bound is a HUGE and difficult change, and while he *could* recover he also might not & he could get worse. it's also clear that if this has been ongoing for 6 months then in his case its not that easily managed. I think you should just be open with your brother and tell him that you sometimes want to be able to talk about what you're going through without it having to be about what he's going through, just as you extend (or will) the same courtesy to him.
Every person experiences illnesses differently. Surely, you see others with MS that are doing better or worse than you are, so why do you assume his POTS is the same or easier to handle than yours?
Look inward on this one.
YTA. Chronic illness sucks so much to live with, I’m shocked at your lack of empathy for your brother’s diagnosis. This isn’t the pain Olympics. You’re not going to get any points for minimizing your brother’s pain. He’s literally bed bound but you think your MS is harder? Both are hard. You suck as a sibling. Do better.
YTA
Disabilities aren't a competition and acknowledging someone else's suffering does not diminish yours
It's not that you have it worse. Just because he does not take you seriously doesn't mean you don't have to do the same. It's an issue, if you show that you care and talk with him about it, maybe you will both come to understand each other better!
Congrats, you win 🥇
(Is that what you wanted to hear?)
YTA. Just because he doesn't have another diagnosis yet doesn't mean he's not experiencing what he says he's experiencing- how long did it take you to get an MS diagnosis? Didn't you start out feeling like things weren't that big of a deal, yet they were scary to you?
Not to mention, how did this comparison start? Did he ask your opinion on severity, or did you offer it without being asked? When looking for comfort, it's not time to start talking about yourself. You say you empathize, but if your response was something along the lines of "I empathize with that", I don't see someone getting upset- So I'm wondering if that is really what happened. Doesn't even necessarily mean you meant to hurt his feelings, but I would consider that.
The suffering Olympics is something assholes participate in. Yta
YTA YTA YTA
Your borther is suffering, what the hell is wrong with you to be so unable to empathize? The fact that you've been dealing with a different illness for longer than him has nothing to do with him. His life changed for the worse very recently and you're dissmissing his struggles because you think you have it worse? Well it doesn't matter if you do, it's not a goddamn competition. Pull your head out of your ass and then maybe you'll realise that other people struggle too
YTA. I passed out and hit my head multiple times last year because of POTS. I had to move back in with my mother because I was afraid I’d pass out and hit my head and die and no one would find me until my body started to smell. “Mild” conditions can have serious and deadly consequences and you should talk to a professional about your lack of empathy.
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So I suffer from MS for about 8 years now. My brother was diagnosed with POTS recently and has gone from active and working to not going to work and mostly bed bound over the last 6 months. When he expresses his illness to me, I empathize but I find it quite easy to deal with in theory because I pretty much have it way worse than him. I also have POTS but it’s caused by my MS.
Most of the time the things he complains about, I relate to it and am completely used to dealing with it for years, so I do not feel like they are as serious as he feels they are. I was told my attitude seems like I’m dismissive of his condition. I tell him POTS has a chance of recovery to a certain degree, so there’s something to hope for, I cant do the same with MS and my POTS is permanent. I don’t think he’s not suffering or that his life isn’t derailed by this, but I do think POTS is not that scary or dangerous and treatment involves lifestyle changes or symptomatic meds if needed at most.
I have to inject myself once a month with a very heavy immunosuppressant drug, and even that gives me a 30% chance of having an MS attack anyway. I take other drugs to relieve my symptoms. POTS seems very easy to deal with to me as I have other issues that are bigger.
My brother is constantly comparing MS to POTS saying he is in an equal position or that his illness is the same level of seriousness. That he is disabled and will continue to get worse like I will. That I have to stop making it sound like it’s oh soo easy because I try to make it seem like I’m elitist or something.
I go to all of his doctor appointments and support him, but I do think just having POTS is way easier than I have it, and I do think he has a chance at recovery while I 100% don’t. I do casually advise him when he’s complaining and he gets offended that no symptom seems like a big deal to me and it should. When I discuss my future unpredictability, that I can get disabled, go blind, lose speech etc etc he says he can fall and hit his head and get disabled too due to POTS, which simply not comparable. Many examples like this, I’m at my wits end.
What do I do?
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YTA. This isn’t a competition. You aren’t winning because YOU think you suffer more. I feel sorry for your brother. He deserves better.
Maybe try not invalidating his feelings, for one.
ESH
Why the fuck are you two getting involved in a misery olympics? Don't you both have more important things to put your limited energy to?
But you're the bigger AH for being so dismissive.
Suffering is not a competition. How he feels about his condition is all about how he feels , not about how you think you'd feel in his place. If you can't offer each other mutual empathy and support then keep your distance and let him surround himself with people who can.
YTA. Getting a chronic diagnosis is a mental load that everyone handles differently. You honestly sound like you were enjoying being the sick one and now you’re miffed you have to share that title. You’re not in the trauma olympics. You DO sound elitist and gatekeeping.
YTA. You have a far bigger problem than your MS. I was in a terrible car accident, lost consciousness during the accident and was in a coma for a month after, then I spent a year with half a skull. My sister was in a minor car accident about 10 months after mine, I jumped in the car with my dad and was completely panicking. I knew her accident was nowhere near the level of mine because she rung us to come get her, so she was at least conscious with a full skull lol. I was still panicked and the few days after I was keeping an eye on her to make sure she remained okay. The fact that my accident was so much worse than hers never even crossed my mind, I only cared wether she was okay. And it shouldn't have mattered to you wether your illness was worse or not.
YTA. I despise people who play disability Olympics. Your brother was recently diagnosed with something that is, yes, rather serious, but instead of sympathizing over your shared illness, you’ve chosen to belittle his experience just because you feel as though you have it worse. MS is also a serious disease. But I’m literally half deaf, I’m legally blind, I have a severe case of RA spread through my entire body that I take biweekly immunosuppressant injections for, I have celiac disease, and I have Hashimoto’s disease. That’s not even getting into my mental disabilities. Do you see how it feels to have someone dismiss your pain and suffering just because they think they have it worse? We are all suffering from different illnesses, it’s better to support each other than compete. Be kind to your brother and apologize for dismissing his experience.
Going to go against the grain and say NAH. You've had 8 years to get used to your condition and live with it. He's had 6 months and is at a different stage of acceptance with his. It's less about who deserves more empathy in the victim olympics and more about how to see it from each other's perspective and try to communicate from there.
You have to think back to when you first learned about your diagnosis -- I bet it felt like the world ended, right? And he has to remember what he saw you go through and where you are now.
Absolutely YTA.
Do not compare struggles. Every person walks a different path in life and what might seem minor to you might be major to them and vice versa.
Yes your diagnosis is more severe, but that doesn't mean his isn't life changing. Just because you can handle symptoms and don't think his diagnosis is a big deal, doesn't mean he can handle everything the same. You may have a higher pain tolerance due to your other diagnosis. I imagine it can be grating to hear someone complain about something you have been dealing with for so long... but that is exactly the point I am trying to make. YOU have dealt with this and he hasn't. For him, this is severe and new.
If you love and care about your brother, stop invalidating his feelings and making his diagnosis all about your feelings about how he is handling it. Be a partner in this illness. You have someone else who GETS how sucky it is. Be supportive and offer tips on things that have helped you or have made things worse.
YTA. I work with POTS and MS. You’re trying to dismiss his experience based on your perception of potential recovery. He may be as disabled as you the rest of his life, or get worse. Validate him.
YTA. Pain is pain. Pain is also relative. You're used to your symptoms, he's not used to his. And every disease comes in varying degrees, his COULD be worse than what you deal with. It's not quantifiable, and looking down on someone else because you THINK they might be in less pain than you is, frankly, disgusting. Learn empathy nd compassion.
When I was a kid my friends parents got divorced and I wasn’t supportive because her home life was a dream compared to mine. I didn’t think she had much to cry about. After growing up I realized that it was a real struggle for her and you can’t compare lives like that. YTA
YTA
It's not a fucking competition.
NTA, seems that neither of you respect each other and are trying to outdo one another, he seems like the main culprit which seems to make you feel like the issues you’ve had for years are NOTHING like his. Both of you need to be kinder, him especially, depending on how supportive you are for him you as well. NTA for these feelings and responses but maybe try understanding each other better
ESH. Coping with sudden life changing illness is different for everyone. I have my own autoimmune disease and during bad periods the symptoms can be relentless. The symptoms are also similar to some other short term issues like gastro. I have literally had people with 24 hour gastro break down over it or tell me they would end themselves if this was their life like me.
It can be hard to maintain empathy, but the things is you have acclimatised to your symptoms. And that's not being said to diminish your symptoms in any way. But because you have had to live with it for so long, you have HAD to work out how to live with it.
I get sick and continue to work, clean the house, grocery shop etc out of sheer survival mode. So some of my "milder" symptoms that let me do those things with the least disruption (Not no disruption) don't seem that bad to me. But the reality is that they are awful, and to someone who's been enjoying no disruption, it's a real shock to have to function under those conditions. Especially if it's not going to be short term.
Your brother though sucks too. He's not handling a life altering event well and is holding a very centric negative feedback loop telling himself he has it worse than everyone around him. Not to diminish what he's going through either but tearing you down to pull himself up is not how it works.
ESH, leaning toward Y TA for the “eh, I’ve got worse” vibe but your brother’s also being TA for downplaying the progress you’ve made.
You’re both going through a lot. It’s really easy to compare circumstances and say “I got the short end of the stick” — and MS makes even a Walk in the Park anything but easy — but you’ve had eight years to come to terms with the stick. That’s time to get systems in place for working, necessities, meeting with friends and family, and generally not having to be bedridden the entire time.
What has been your general reaction when he talks (or vents, I know my parent had a couple of these) about his adventures with POTS? If it’s been “eh, I’ve had worse,” that’s not cool on your part.
This is one of those times where fighting over the short stick is less important than developing (or helping to develop) a support network. This is a lot of petty nonsense from the both of you.
YTA Everyone's worst experience is their worst. Comparisons are not helpful. The fact that there are others worse off doesn't make his trauma less scary. He is still adjusting to a new diagnosis.
You can be encouraging and sympathetic at the same time. You can give tips on what works for you.
But it's unkind/unhelpful to minimize his emotional response to his illness by comparisons.
BTW I agree that from the outside viewpoint, your diagnosis is more serious.
ESH.. I can see how you feel but that doesn’t mean you can dismiss how he’s feeling.. maybe try talking to him about what he’s saying and how it makes you feel
ESH. You two need to stop acting like your illnesses are a competition. Would have gone Y T A but you said your brother is basically doing the same thing.
ESH. There is no such thing as the Suffering Olympics. Your brother's life has been turned upside down. He's experiencing a drastic lifestyle change. He's adjusting. He needs you to give him some grace.
My brother is constantly comparing MS to POTS saying he is in an equal position or that his illness is the same level of seriousness. That he is disabled and will continue to get worse like I will.
That's idiocy and self pity on his part. It will pass. But you need to have some sympathy for him and perhaps if you did, he'd listen to you about being able get POTS in remission or gone. But as long as he feels like you're being elitist, he's not going to hear a word you say.
he'd listen to you about being able get POTS in remission or gone
It is not always possible to experience remission from POTS. There are some lucky people who recover, but many do not; some get worse. There are limited treatment options and if they don't help you, you're shit out of luck. Welcome to the world of poorly understood chronic illnesses.
Sometimes the difference between POTS being treated or not treated is not "illness or remission"; it's "being unable to sit up for more than 5 minutes" to "being able to sit up for 30 minutes on a good day." It's an illness with a wide range of severities and outcomes. OP is assuming that their brother's illness is as manageable as their own, but that's not necessarily true.
ESH. It’s not the POTS Olympics.
YTA. this isn’t the struggle Olympics, stop trying to win gold. You both are going through rough times, there is no need to put each other down. It sounds like your annoyed he keeps comparing the two.
Idk if you live together or what but you too need to stop sharing each other’s misery. Don’t know what country you live in but see if your insurance can cover a therapist, at the very least it will allow you to go rant to someone about your problems. Someone who will actually want to listen.
You two bring each other down and it’s not helping either one of you. I don’t know if your brother is taking any type of medication or what but he needs to find alternative jobs where it will be easier for his illness. Lying in bed isn’t doing him any good, sickness or not being cooped up in bed all day does not help your mind.
Lying in bed isn’t doing him any good, sickness or not being cooped up in bed all day does not help your mind.
Buddy, no one is bedridden because it's fun. He's not choosing to be "cooped up in bed." You don't seem to understand what "illness" means.
Dawg shut the fuck up, I’ve been in the hospital multiple time for multiple shit. I know what illness is like. If you think he needs to stay in bed and continue to be a walking Debby downer then so be it. Getting out of bed and just going to another part of the house could do wonders for him. I have family members with multiple illnesses that leave them bedridden and in rehab multiple times a year, unless he’s planning to stay in bed for the rest of his life, go live in a rehab, or get home assistance then he needs to learn to adapt to his illness.
Unless he’s getting social security money from the government he can’t continue living like this
unless he’s planning to stay in bed for the rest of his life, go live in a rehab, or get home assistance then he needs to learn to adapt to his illness
Unfortunately, not all illnesses are capable of being adapted to. Not everyone can return to work. Not everyone can walk around and enjoy the scenery. Disability can be severe and unremitting.
People who are very sick do not wish to be sick. They don't want to be in bed. They desperately want a better quality of life. No one wants to live like this. They have likely tried over and over again to get up and do more. Sometimes it's just not possible, with current medical science.
I'm glad to hear you've never had an illness that rendered you indefinitely bedridden. But that doesn't mean it never happens.
Unless he’s getting social security money from the government he can’t continue living like this
I agree, our society does indeed make it extremely difficult for people with severe chronic illnesses to live. I assure you that everyone with a severe chronic illness is painfully aware of that fact.
Esh he's complaining to you with an expectation of sympathy of which you have none (which btw is also fine) the best option to deal with this is disengage. How you deal and how he deals will never be the same cause your circumstances aren't the same. Later age chronic illness sucks but I could never expect to relate to some one who's had juvenile onset chronic illness as I was a healthy juvenile. You don't owe your sympathy but you can choose to disengage rather than explain your reasoning as if he'd relate to it or vice versa. What's normal to you can be traumatic for another. This isn't a race to the worst your both dealing with things.
Tf is wrong with ur bro? He needs to grow up and realize he is not the center of the world and u have it so much worse. I hope he gets over himself and realizes he should think about how much worse so many other people have it including u. U DEF R NTA
NAH, just tell your brother it’s not a competition but that in the years since your diagnosis you’ve learned to take POTS in your stride, you don’t mean to be dismissive, but you see the positives for him in that there is a chance of recovery, hopefully he gets to to that point as well. It’s still new to him and has been a compete lifestyle impact, so to him, it may as well be the same as your situation. I’m sure as the months go on he might start to see things differently.
Good luck to both of you.
You all kinda suck.
Sounds like he's massively catastrophising and needs a bit of perspective on how his life is not in fact over just because he's disabled. However just cause you on an objective level have it worse doesn't mean he's not going through it and nothing feels more invalidating to a struggle than "buck up, other people have it worse".
Sounds like he's massively catastrophising and needs a bit of perspective on how his life is not in fact over just because he's disabled.
Sounds like you don't have experience adjusting to a chronic illness that leaves you literally bedbound with very limited treatment options. He is not "catastrophizing"; he is grieving, and his grief is valid.
"I could hypothetically fall cause of my condition and then I'd get even worse!" Is catastrophising. That's precisely what making up scenarios in which things go from the real bad they are to the fake bad in your head is.
He needs some therapy, she needs some empathy.
I feel this is like someone complaining about having to eat rice and beans to afford the rent to a homeless person. Like yes, their situation genuinely sucks, and I completely understand being unhappy and complaining. But choose your audience and have some sensitivity. It is one thing to say you are having a really tough time of it and another to say that your diet of rice and beans equals the difficulties eating at charity food kitchens and living on the street. I can see why OP is annoyed by this. NTA.
It might help if he broadens his support networks. Are there any support groups you can refer him to join? That way he can complain with other people who have the bandwidth to commiserate with him.
OP's brother is literally bedridden. They're not experiencing a minor issue. This isn't just like celiac disease (can't eat gluten but can lead a normal life by avoiding it). POTS when severe can completely destroy your life. There are people who can't even sit up in bed, let alone walk.
Neither of them needs to be comparing their suffering. It's not a competition.
NTA. He’s complaining to the wrong person. You will have it worse than him over time, but you’ve come to terms with it and moved forward. Anyone saying YTA have not dealt with MS. There is no comparison. He needs to stop comparing his illness to yours. He’s having a hard time, but he needs to back off and understand you are dealing with a different illnesses.
POTS quality of life in some cases can be comparable to living with congestive heart failure.
https://www.dysautonomiainternational.org/page.php?ID=30
There are people who can't walk, and even people who struggle to sit up. It's not a trivial illness.
Exactly. Everyone is saying YTA but op literally said they told their bro about all the problems they could face from MS their bro is all like I could fall and hit my head.
Everyone is here saying YTA, but I don’t think so.
I had acne as a teen, and I remember my beautiful friend had one zit and complained about it nonstop.
I have medical problems myself, and I am on disability due to pain. I don’t like when able-bodied people complain to me about the same issues I have.
The thing is though that the brother isn’t able-bodied, he’s disabled. He also just got diagnosed and is now suddenly having to deal with a massive shift in behavior because of his symptoms. When I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 17, I had a hard time coping and would talk to people I knew who also had fibromyalgia to commiserate because losing so much of your ability level so young SUCKS. I’d have been devastated if someone I confided in about my diagnosis who was also chronically ill downplayed my symptoms because they perceived them as not as bad. Especially when they’ve had a lot more time to process their illness and the symptoms that come along with it. Her brother shouldn’t be comparing the two, but tbh I think he’s more just wanting someone he can relate to about chronic illness because it’s scary as hell. And despite how minimized it is in this post, POTS can be incredibly invasive in peoples lives depending on severity and medication may or may not help. I understand her having her own personal feelings about her brother venting to her, but sometimes it’s okay to not share those feelings out loud to someone who is very likely grieving the life they thought they were going to have and now are having to completely readjust.
Agreed. I feel like most of the YTAs are coming from able bodied folks who don’t understand what it’s like to live with chronic disability, and especially don’t understand how that makes you a magnet for other peoples’ personal suffering.
OP may not be handling this issue with the most emotional maturity, but deep down I would also be annoyed if people made me their therapist for their suffering.
I'm one of the YTAs. I live with POTS and ME/CFS. I have trouble walking from my bedroom to the bathroom. I spend 99% of my time bedridden. Boy do I ever know what living with a chronic illness is like.
And I said YTA because it's very difficult to compare illnesses and quality of life.
I agree with u. So many people compare themselves to ppl who have it so much worse and act like they have it just as bad.
NTA. Honestly, until he has woken up and not been able to use his limbs properly, or with seizures, or without his vision, or experienced other life-altering MS symptoms, or had to come to terms with the likelihood of dying 5 years earlier than most people, he just does not understand what MS is like. He shouldn’t be comparing them at all. Not that POTS isn’t life altering, but it’s a very different thing.
My friend with celiac compares it to MS and it also drives me crazy.
I know I’m going to be downvoted, but I’m in the grieving process after my own fairly recent MS diagnosis.
I understand what you’re saying because I went through a very hard grieving process when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Not comparing the two conditions, just the fact that I’ve had to mourn all of my life plans going down the toilet as well as a significant amount of my ability to function daily.
Now imagine you just got diagnosed with MS and someone in your family has another chronic illness like, for instance, muscular dystrophy or ALS. You have no one else to relate to, and while your conditions aren’t the same, you seek some reassurance and help from them because you’re dealing with intense grief and don’t know who else to go to.
After you confide in them about your illness and everything that comes with it and how you’re mourning the life you thought you’d have, they tell you it’s not as bad as what they’re suffering with, so you shouldn’t complain. That would feel incredibly shitty right?
It’s fine to feel like others don’t have it as bad as you, you cannot really control how you feel about certain situations and I can understand it being triggering to feel like someone is complaining for something so trivial when you have it so much worse. But at the end of the day, there will ALWAYS be someone who has it worse than someone else, and that doesn’t mean we cannot empathize with one another and share our burdens with others. It can actually be extremely therapeutic to know that, while not totally the same, there are other people who can somewhat understand your struggles and the feelings you’re having regarding a new diagnosis. Especially when that person is your family, and they actually have had time to process and deal with their diagnosis and may be able to offer some reassurance and guidance.
I wouldn’t compare my illness to ALS or cancer or muscular dystrophy! I certainly wouldn’t confide in them about it.
Again I’m not comparing the two, I’m just saying there will always be someone who has it worse and that doesn’t mean you can’t confide in your family because of that. People struggling with chronic illness can already feel an intense amount of guilt and shame in their symptoms because people who aren’t chronically ill make them feel like they’re being dramatic. Someone who should understand what that feels like she not be contributing to it, especially with their own family.
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