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AITA for refusing to give my sister my daughter’s outgrown baby clothes?
Not the A-holeWhat i am not understanding is that sis had 5 other kids. What did she do with all that baby stuff?
NTA. Garage sale season is just starting. Mom and grandma have endless amounts of time on their hands to judge you while they hit up the garage sales.
My husband and I would also love to know the answer to this. She had her youngest son NINE months ago.. but has zero baby stuff. Which is absolutely crazy to me..because I held on to so much with the intent of using the items for more children later down the line..
Nine months ago and she has nothing? I’d understand her wanting some girly clothes maybe since she’s only had boys but she should have baby things.
Also, the only thing I’d be willing to contribute to your sister is birth control, tbh.
Not just birth control because 5 at 28 is enough.
My cousin , mid 30s, had number 6 a week ago. Her and her husband, unemployed, have the equivalent of 120USD left month-end to feed the fam after all is said and done. Age difference between child 1 and 6 is 15/16 years, oldest one will be going to college soon. Wants to try for a another boy after 5 girls.
She's had so many kids, I literally forgot the one who was born 4 years ago. Didn't even know her name. It's one for every year almost and we're losing track.
Our whole mission this year is to convince either one or both to get the snip.
NTA - don’t you love it when others tell you how you should support family no matter how it impacts your household? Since your Mom & Gmother think it’s so important, let them buy your sister everything she needs.
Or tell gma and mom you will give your sister everything, as long as they buy you brand new stuff to replace it all. I mean, YOU will need help if you give everything away... and FAMILY helps and supports FAMILY!
Get the new stuff first cause they may not follow through. I could imagine them giving the new stuff to OP's sister
The situation of the sister is a Literal FAFO🤦
& OP is supposed to be supportive bc FAMILY...
Why isn't FAMILY also supportive of OP who is FAMILY.
Sister, Mom & GM are FAMILY & OP is... what?
That never crossed the mind of “… it’s fasaaaamily …” folks
Or the fact that OP has her OWN family now. Immediate family comes first. The minute I had my kids they became my immediate family and the rest is an extention of that.
Why are people like this? The baby's gender comes from dad, btw. My parents did this. 4 girls. Finally a son. Aww let's give him a baby brother. They had twin girls. It didn't hurt a bit to find out I was supposed to be a boy for tommy to play with.
My 82 year old aunt is a Henrietta. My grandfather supposedly never let it go that she wasn’t a Henry. Sad.
My grandma's dad was named Henry and they thought they wouldn't have a son to name henry when they had their sixth daughter so they named her Henrietta and henry Jr was born next
Same! After Henrietta, the 6th girl 2 boys came lol and now he felt he couldn’t name Henry so we got an Alexander and William He was never happy lol
Someone just reported my commenting here to Reddit smh
Upvote to counteract Reddit terrorism..
For what? The only crime I can see is the lowercase “H” for Henry. Perhaps they’re from the grammar police! /s
Did you get a message from Reddit asking if you're ok, or would you like to know about therapy resources? I got one of those and I have absolutely no idea what I wrote to trigger it.
They did this stupid crap to my dad too. Somehow it was his fault he wasn't born female.
Mom was pressured into having me so dad could maybe have a son. Hearing that fun little anecdote put my entire childhood into perspective.
And yet they weren't happy when I came out as non-binary. Like, yeah, I'm not your son, but at least you didn't get another daughter??
I would file that under "they should have been more specific".
Please accept my hopes you are happy and healthy and having a great life now.
Tell them the old Chinese proverb: Be careful what you ask for, because you may get it.
Something pushed me to stalk your profile and I just want to say that your dog is the most precious angel on the earth. Thank you for blessing me with his beauty.
this internet mom is happy you’re nonbinary and living as your true self💖💖
My parents had 3 girls then finally a boy. They went for baby number 5 (I'm sure they were trying for a brother), but no, another girl. My mom insisted on stopping at that point, but...
Yeah, me and my twin heard the adults joking that dad and moms cousin both got appointments to get snipped since the girls were coming two at a time now.
I love that. Tried to play the odds but the odds decided to double up on the ass whoopin
My mom's doctor told her that her she was having a boy, so she got my older brother all excited to have a brother. He did not take it well when she came home with me and my twin sister.
I don’t understand this at all. My husband has a great job with a six figure income, I work full time and make a great salary. I’m 34 and still afraid to have one and worry we won’t be able to afford a baby. What are people thinking??
God says procreate and He will provide and they’re dumb enough to believe the BS
I don't know how true this is, but I saw a article a few years back that said birth rates in the West were highest amount the wealthy and the poor. Among the wealthy, if you have a gazillion dollars, your can afford a few extra kids. Among the poor, social programs help defeat some is the costs.
Among middle class folk? Well, the middle class is much more cautious, lacking the wealth of the rich and the social safety net that can support the poor.
My step sister had 8 CHILDREN. After her 6th child she was told to stop as she’s had over 5 miscarriages. And if she continues to have children, it’s going to be detrimental to her, and or the child. The 7th child nearly didn’t make it. Her 8th died at 2 years. She kept having more, and more children despite medical concern for her children’s safety because it didn’t matter. She’s “done” now. But still doesn’t use protection, I think she got her tubes tied but that’s a whole lot less secure than her husband getting snipped. Or even being on birth control. One of her children is literally an accidental tube birth.
Some people don’t care about a child’s safety or their own, they just want to make kids.
I worked with a nurse who was 6 months pregnant with her 14th child. She had a set of twins & the children were all under 12 yrs old. The older kids took care of the 3 in diapers. Hubby also had 3 affair babies. He said he would leave if she stopped having babies. He left anyway after the 15th. Felt so sorry for those kids. Her not so much!
I hope she went after him for *all* the child support.
Same. If i was that judge i would have required him to get snipped and to be taking custody regularly. Im sure that lady needed a break. I only have 3 kids and I feel overwhelmed daily.
How you gonna have all them kids and make the other ones parent the younger ones. She should be ashamed of herself. I can see it now they’ll all be on here “aita because I went no contact with my mom for making me take care of my younger siblings cause she’s too busy getting knocked up?” Poor kids
I think she got her tubes tied but that’s a whole lot less secure than her husband getting snipped
Not going to argue with your other points, but getting a tubal ligation is just as effective as a vasectomy. The main difference is that tubal ligation is more invasive and therefore carries more risks and is often more expensive.
How are these women having sex so soon after giving birth?
Years ago, the neighborhood took up a collection after a family had child #10. The collection was to get the dad snipped. As much as I cringed hearing about this years later (I was a toddler at the time), I think they were grateful. We stayed in touch with the family after both households moved and I am pretty sure that Mrs. D was grateful not to have any more!
So sad for the kids who are born to families like this.
And if Sally had asked OP for some of her girly baby clothes, that probably would have been fine, as long as not greedy (as OP intends to sell or trade for boys' clothes). But this huge entitlement after having presumably sold or thrown out all her baby stuff she has used for her 9 month old (!)? Fuck that noise.
Presumably Sally is the golden child despite having a dumpster fire life.
A baby doesn’t care what color it wears. This is a choosing beggar. She isn’t in a financial position to be picky about baby clothes. She can have the stained ones that nobody else wants.
I’ve got number 2 on the way. My first was a boy and if my second ends up a girl you can bet your ass she’s still wearing his old clothes
My son wore clothes from a friend's girl. They had yellow duckies on them. Even if they had pink ballerinas, he would have worn those to bed. Even now he is wearing a bathrobe from the women's department because he was too small for the men's stuff and too big for the kid's. It fits and is fluffy and warm and that is all he cares about.
My brother was the first boy in nearly 20 years after 6 girls. The family had absolutely no "boy" clothes. For the first 5 years of his life, he had jeans w/ butterflies, hearts or rainbows on his butt. Not all of his clothes were "girls" clothes but several pieces.
We all used the same crib and bassinet that our mom, here sisters and 1 cousin used.
My best friend doesn’t care about gendered stuff at all. Her son also had super chunky thighs as a baby. Whereas the baby boy section was almost exclusively filled with Jean style trousers that were clearly uncomfortable and restricted his movement, the baby girl section had loads of legging options that were a much better fit for him. She had some that were plain, some in ‘neutral’ prints like animals and some that were in much more ‘feminine’ prints Inc flowers etc.
One day she took her son, who was probably about 6m old at a guess, to the doctors wearing one of the more traditionally ‘girly’ pairs. The doctor as they walked in to the room turned to them and kind of half directed at her baby went ‘looks like mum wanted a girl then didn’t she!’ like…. What a weird fucking thing to say to a patient!
And baring in mind this was in central (specifically hipster east) London about 8 years ago too… so the idea of rejecting gender stereotypes for children wasn’t exactly groundbreaking at this point!
Guess those doctors thought everyone makes a physician’s salary…
My grandmother had two boys then a little girl. “Well now you need new clothes”. My grandmother “why”
My aunt wore boys clothes till she was preschool age.
Hell, I’m financially able to buy my kids new clothes when they need them and I put my baby girl in my sons clothes all the time! She’s 18months and looks adorable in his overalls and Dino T-shirts. A $.10 big green bow and her hair and bam! It’s a girl outfit!
I have the only girls in the family. You best believe my girls wear allll her boy cousins hand me downs! Its never too early to get them interested in super heros and sports and science.
It saddens me that girl clothes today is still so frilly and just about being princess and looking pretty... or taking care of things
I'm expecting a boy, I had a sister and our old toys are pretty girlish, you bet my son will have my Barbie house to play with.
My son was born in December. Dressing up baby is cute and all, but he spent most of his time in a nice warm baby sack style pajama. He didn't care
I had a summer baby and they lived in onesies. When you are changing diapers all the time, you need simple clothes.
My son and daughter in law dressed their girl in their son's hand me downs when she was a baby. Everyone thought she was a boy and the parents didn't care.
I have a friend who loves dinos, so that's 90% of what her infant daughter wears lol her daughter and my son have some matching clothes lol
When I was a toddler, either my parents bought or had given to them a beautiful little red coat with a white fur trim (fake I assume). When my brother was born 3 years after me, my mom put him in that coat once in a while. People would say “What a cute little girl!” and she would say “thank you.”
I recently donated old baby clothes to a local charity for needy moms. Surely they have something like that in their area.
I do wonder if the 9 month old is still using a lot of it (car seat, crib, bottles, etc). Although I wonder why the mom wouldn't have mentioned that to OP.
My bet is that OP took good care of her stuff and they look new or high quality.
Sis stuff is probably worn and torn.
Also - plenty of local groups where you can get stuff for free. But again, a lot of it isn't in the best shape.
Sis basically wants gifts/ money so she can have nice stuff, but knows that request won't go over well...
I agree. A choosing beggar.
Honestly if she’s dead broke, a baby doesn’t care if it wears pink or blue things. Beggars can’t be choosers. At this point, mom is also a beggar.
Oh I agree. My brother and SIL are from broke but their daughter wore her older brother’s baby clothes…and now my sister’s daughter is wearing it. They both got some new pink things but they grow out of baby clothes so fast that it makes sense to re-use it.
If OP's sister has boy clothes and wants girl clothes she should just do the same thing as OP and take the clothes she has to resale
Even then a newborn girl does not care that a baseball onesie is intended for boys, or any other arbitrary gender associations. If anything its easier to give boy clothe to a girl, since there is no REAL gender affiliation with baby boy cloths
My sister had baby number 6 or 7? At the time but was still being refused sterilization. She actually asked for it and was denied because of her age being on the younger side. She ended up with 9 total before her boyfriend finally decided to get the snip himself.
I never wanted kids and had always had a lot of problems with my periods—after being off and on the pill for years for those problems I asked for a hysterectomy. I was 29 and back then you had to have your husband or boyfriend’s permission. Had never wanted to be married either so I kept asking for the operation. Finally the doctor said ‘what if you do marry and he wants children?’ I told him that if I ever did get married (yeah, not happening) and he wanted to hear the pitter patter of little feet around the house he could buy himself a Cocker Spaniel. Finally, after 3 months of asking, I got my hysterectomy. Glad things are different these days.
Birth control. Birth Control. BIRTH CONTROL! Multiple kinds!
I just choked on my coffee 😂
My guess is she either sold it or she’s going girl crazy and only wants girly stuff for the baby.
Nine months ago? Ask your mum why sally that had a baby nine months ago does not have baby things but you with a 2 year old have things kept for two years. Please don’t even respond to them on anything about this topic
Wow, nothing? What did she use for everything? Disposables? NTA.
I mean you have no obligation as it is but the situation makes it worse.
She probably sold it all at yard sales.
She can frequent yard sales to buy more, then!
My sister held on baby clothes and some bottles from her 1st kid for 8 years before having her 2nd. Not to mention that the 1st is a boy and the 2nd a girl. The girl still wore baby clothes from her brother because at infant, it doesn't really matter.
My baby was like 7 years old before I went "ok, probably not having more babies. We can get rid of the crib and baby clothes taking space in the attic"
I did that too... surprise, we have a new baby and the firstborn is nearly 12 now! I raided garage sales, thrift shops, Once Upon a Child, our local buy nothing Facebook page, and insurance paid for my breast pump and all the supplies to go with it. The only thing that's brand new is the car seat. I think I spent less than $400 total for everything!
I told my husband, "Watch, i'll get pregnant just because we are getting rid of this stuff." It's been 2 years and so far, so good. knock on wood.
I made that same comment when I ended up selling all my youngest kid's baby things I had on hand that day for $35 to a woman up the block from us that was struggling with 3 and expecting ( the rule my sister came up with coz she knows I'm a saver and hubby agreed to was any clothes put out in the yard sale don't come back in the house. If it didn't sell it was going in a bag in the car and dropped off at a clothing drive.....)
You did what we did. After years of trying, I got rid of all my baby stuff, then lo and behold, we got pregnant with our daughter, who is 11 years younger than her brother.
Currently going through this- my kid is 3.5, I’m almost 40, do I really need to have everything from the bassinet to the bottles to the booties and the baby bjorn my kid hated in my basement?
But yes, apparently I do, as I can’t get myself to throw them away just yet. Knowing my luck that’s the day I’d get knocked up.
I had a 6 year gap between mine and saved lots of things that we are reusing for baby number 2. Pram, cot, clothes, toys etc.
She's probably been selling the stuff too, or throwing it away which is worse. You don't need any of those 3 people thinking is ok to be like your sister and somehow being financially smart like you is wrong. Focus on your family and block them if needed
If your parents cared about her they’d get the money together for a tubal ligation for her. This is so gross. I feel sorry for her kids.
Tell your sister, your mom and your grandmother to go out to the goodwill or wherever and buy back all the baby things that she sold in the last few months figuring she would take yours. Remind them that you have your own babies to take care of and your sister is not one of them.
She is their "baby" so if they want someone to be responsible for her, they should. Or, they should work to get her to get her act together and go after the daddies for support.
Personally, I think that they should be ashamed of themselves, coming after you, but that may be too harsh to say......
Tell your mom you don't have any "old" baby stuff to give away, it's all current baby stuff as you are currently expecting a baby. Asking you to buy all new stuff so you can give your current stuff away is the same financial ask as just buying your sister all the stuff she needs. Which anyone can do, so all these people who think you should purchase all these things for your sister should be doing it themselves if they feel so strongly about it. If they don't want to spend that kind of money on your sister they should be able to understand why you don't either.
She wants girl stuff
Oh, i’m very aware of that. But if I can take my daughters old clothes down to trade for boy clothes, she can do the same with her sons old clothes lol.
But after only nine months shes saying she has no bottles, no crib, no car seat, no essentials. Which to me is still insane.
What did she do with them, trade them for drugs? If not, why does she have nothing at all. It makes absolutely no sense, unless she sold them and used the money for something else (drugs, partying, hookers and blow or whatever) or she’s lying. Either way she isn’t entitled to your daughter’s things.
NTA
My aunt was like that. 5 kids, the younger 3 were born close to each other. She never had anything left because she never took care of the things. She didn't wash it, she just threw it away. She didn't try to save anything because she knew that some people will bring more. My mom stopped giving her my and my sister's clothes when we saw one of our most precious suit (we wore in only on big holidays and always took care of it) on the pile of manure near my aunt's house.
You’re probably right. I’m going to choose to believe it was traded for hookers and blow until OP says otherwise.
:O
didn't wash it? Didn't wash baby stuff?? don't babies sometimes wear 4 outfits a day, between spit-up, a blow-out diaper, a sibling spilling juice, etc.
How did she even have time to purchase enough replacement pieces??
She didn't purchase anything. She was the 'poor sister ' of the family, so everyone gave her all the clothes for kids. That's why she didn't care about any of those things - she didn't work hard to get them
oh that's foul!
instead of being appreciative, or at the very least making sure she can pass stuff on to other family members... bah!
a car seat I could understand : the 9 months old baby is still using that, right? but bottles, a changing pad, a baby sling... how do you not have that from less than a year ago?
With that many kids you'd think she'd be too tired for hookers and blow.
I’ll bet she has them she just doesn’t have the ones and kinds she wants
Well the 9 month old is probably still using the car seat? Idk how quickly they grow out of them. Regardless, NTA.
The 9mo should transition to a bigger car seat once the baby comes. He should be at the proper age/weight at that point.
If she's used it for a few kids it might expire between current baby and coming baby? They generally last 6-10 years, and this is baby 5 so it quite possible the car seat is coming up to 10 years at this point I guess, especially if she's been used to getting hand-me-downs from family
But the crib and bottles and everything should still be fine (though I know you need a new crib mattress for each baby). It makes no sense to have 4 kids, including a 9 month old and have no baby things.
I wouldn't use a second-hand mattress, but why shouldn't siblings use the same one?
They get softer over time which can lead to babies sinking deeper into them. This makes it harder for babies to cool down, and it increases the risk of re-breathing syndrome and SIDS.
New mattress for every baby is something ive always heard. It's why a crib mattress is given in "baby boxes". It's not listed as essential by the NHS so long as it's been stored correctly and baby's head doesn't sink more than a couple of mm. But I've always heard that it's the ideal
It could. We don’t know where she has gotten her previous equipment from, how old the other kids are. There is a strong possibility that all of them still need car seats! But still she should have most of the stuff needed for a new born
Where does her 9 month old sleep then? How does she take him places? How does he eat? I'm asking because my little brother had the same crib and car seat for like 2 years or even more. I can't remember exactlly.
Screw that, baby wont care about wearing pink or blue.
NTA, but I'd simply remind your family that CPS exists.
She’s probably still using the crib, car seat, etc for the 9 month old. But no bottles or clothes makes zero sense.
Tell your mum you have a baby coming as well and that is your focus at this time
The mom doesn't care about that and thinks op should give the saved baby stuff to sister and buy new baby stuff to their baby.
I can agree the 9 month old is still using the crib and car seat, POSSIBLY. However, no other essentials? Do we know this is true or is she just trying to get free shit? Did she sell off everything she could?
Either way, you are right. It is not your job to support her. You need things for your child and you've planned accordingly to get the most out of what you've got. Your sister clearly hasn't. -just want to mention if even it's for baby girl clothes, if she just takes and takes and expects that I'd trade them in for credit for your little boy.
I would tell any family that's calling you the asshole that you are helping your family and that maybe she should get any of the men that fathered her children to help their family. (But that's juuust me being petty)
Please continue to look out for your family, you're definitely NTA. Even a little bit. Most people that plan on having more kids save stuff. Again, I understand some of her children may still be using those items because she has so many but why is that on you to help when you have another child of your own on the way?
Isn’t her son still an infant? What’s he using?
I get that completely. My other suggestion would be to trade directly to your sister. Tell her she can have some of your baby girl clothes if she swaps the equivelant in her baby boy clothes. That way it is fair to both. If she isn't able to do that then that's on her.
NTA 100%. Her own life is hers to manage and clearly she's just being entitled about it all. You're smart with your things and how you spend and that's why you can afford a second baby in the first place. If you gave everything away you're spending the savings that you cannot afford to not have. If your sister wants something, tell her dial 211 and find her own resources. She clearly has the time to do it if she's got to to kvetch about you with everyone and get knocked up on repeat.
But I would also (somewhat) assume she's still using the car seat for the 9 month old, and probably the crib? That's at least still an age and size for both. And if that's the case, she needs a pack n play for the newborn, and a toddler bed down the line, and it's an easy switch for each as they grow into the furniture.
If she straight up doesn't have either of those things at all then she's not even providing for the ones she has now. She's also just probably lying and or trashes a lot of things because she's careless along with her partners. Does she lose stuff moving around maybe? And if she wants nice new stuff, she can go hound the fathers for it, thrift shop, etc. I'm sure a church would be happy to help her collect some things.
Honestly, it's kind of a waste to even worry that hard about a bunch of cute things immediately anyway. Babies don't care what they wear, so long as they are clean and fed, and they are gross little drool balls pretty quickly, so cute is only a big deal for photos tbh.
Also I genuinely think neutrals are great to have and save, nothing new needed that way, except for a few outfits for pics and events. I got so much use out of mine with all my babies. Green for the win!
Also a baby girl doesn’t care if it wears blue or pink. You’re not obligated to help her clothe her baby in the color of her choice.
Sounds like Sally should have planned better. Too bad so sad not your problem
Oh I can answer this. My bro was the same way. Once the stuff was outgrown or no longer needed, they ditched it. Literally. Strollers. Cribs. Etc. I bought so much stuff for his kids and once they were done or kicked out of where they were? The just left it. Asking again for more in less than a year later for the next kid. I stopped helping.
This. This was the first thing I thought of. She has 5 kids. 5. And she kept nothing from those kids? No. She just wants new things. Either that or she wants new things with the option to return them to get cash/credit for something else. I’d tell her and your mom to kick rocks. And for kids, I dont see the problem with buying second hand. They grow so fast sometimes they get to wear an outfit a couple of times, then they’ve outgrown it. I can see the occasional something really cute or for photos, but that’s it. Your sister sounds like a freeloader and has absolutely zero interest in raising these kids. 100% she keeps getting pregnant to get attention and/or assistance so she doesn’t have to do anything. (Knew a girl like this at a place I worked. She was like maybe 2-3 months along. Made a HUGE production of her being pregnant. Sticking out her belly. Insisting she had to sit anytime she was at work, like not stand at all unless to go to breaks, come in and leave. Didn’t do anything, no cleaning or straightening, nothing. She had her housing paid for, college, food, etc and bragged about it. She even asked the manager, who had like 6 kids of his own, to fudge her hours so it looked like she worked less so she could get more assistance. She didn’t last long).
Excally- what did she do with the baby stuff from the other 4?
Nta,
Funny that your mom doesn't help her but insists on dictating YOUR pocket.
She most likely sold the baby stuff for money and is planning on doing the same with any clothes that are given to her as soon as the new baby outgrows them.
Hell, I grew up poor. My grandma's yard sale addiction almost exclusively clothed me up to high school.
Cool, so your mom and grandma have offered to buy everything for your sister's new baby! That's great! Lol nta
Yeah. I don't get why it is OP's responsibility in any way. She is not the parent of the baby, her sister is. She is not the parent of the one who keeps making poor life decisions, her mother is. She is not the parent of the one who keeps enabling her daughter and supporting/pitying her for making poor life decisions, her grandmother is.
And if family is family, they are even more family than her since one gave birth to her sister, and the other gave birth to the one who gave birth to her sister.
In what crazy world is she the one who is supposed to give things she needs away, when they are more than comfortable to donate to her sister as well.
Also, if she needs donation so much and can't stop giving birth, why isn't she getting free used baby stuff? Loads of people give it away for free.
OP has a pretty good plan for turning her daughter's outgrown clothes into some nice things for the baby on the way. It's her and her husband's stuff to do with as they please. They seem like they're being very responsible for how much new babies can cost by reusing or reselling.
Tell your mom she can join the local buy nothing group or fb groups to help momma's out and get free clothes there. I got a whole ass wardrobe for my daughter through those groups.
Agreed! My son had gotten so many clothes and toys through that group, it’s been so helpful!
I’ve gotten clothes, shoes, diapers, a crib, two strollers, and I’ve even gotten a playhouse and picnic table for our backyard. It’s a great resource.
Same, even fb marketplace is great to find stuff for cheap! There are so many options other than guilt tripping OP
Also groups like this make it so much easier to get rid of things. If we had bought everything we’d probably want to hold onto it in case we had another kid. We got so much stuff for free though that it just makes sense to pass it along instead of it collecting dust and taking up space.
NTA, i would donate to sally’s birth control fund.
Seriously, she’d have saved so much money if she invested in birth control at least four babies ago. Something something lack of preparation on her part does not constitute an emergency for OP.
☝️🏅
How much is a tubal ligation these days? <checking my sofa for coins for this worthy cause>
A statement I’ve made to my BIL in the past: “A onetime payment of $500 is a hell of a lot cheaper than 18 years of thousands”
NTA. You are literally repurposing them for your family of which is also expanding.
You are not in the wrong.
Exactly! “Family helps family” also applies to OP wanting to use her supplies and money to help her own new family member. You have to take care of your own baby first, for the mom that may still be Sally, but for OP that’s her son
NTA. I cannot stand it when the parents who raised the irresponsible adult try to guilt the sibling into providing for the irresponsible adult. Tell your mom to buy your sister baby stuff if she's so concerned about it. Good for you for being frugal, responsible, and standing up for yourself.
Right?! Tell mom, “she’s YOUR daughter, not mine, which means it’s your responsibility above anyone else’s”.
NTA
Takes 2 to make a baby. Sally’s kids all have a dad. Why aren’t they hounding the dad to take responsibility over their own children?
Hahahaha have you met men? Deadbeat dads are a stain on society, but people would rather shame the single mums
It seems to me that in a situation where a woman becomes a single mother six times in a row, it is difficult to say that she has absolutely nothing to do with it.
*five times, I read it wrong
Oh, I wouldn’t doubt there’s gonna be a sixth time…and a seventh…
Equally so, some dude(s) had something to do with it as well. Unless it’s the immaculate conception.
She bears some of the blame. I could clock most deadbeats since I was 16.
Chronically unemployed? Actively abusing drugs/alcohol? Chronic legal problems? Have other children you don't adequately care for? Clear signs of deadbeat.
I would bet everything I own that her baby daddies fail at least 2 of those conditions.
#Don'tF***Losers
There are family courts and governmental child support agencies.
Women need to stop getting pregnant by them.
Counterpoint: men should also stop having unprotected sex.
Absolutely. But the men can up and leave, as shown by Sally having 5 kids with 5 men who all left. At some point Sally needs to stop having unprotected sex and take responsibility for her own fertility, take responsibility for her own life, her own kids, and the circumstances she’s in.
Yes, the men are equally to blame but don’t forget she willingly let them nut in her without protection. And while they can flee she is stuck talking care of that child, seemingly without any support since every man appears to be a deadbeat.
You can blame the men all you want but the final decision to have unprotected sex and not take birth control is Sally’s. She also made the choice to keep each child.
Absolutely zero shaming going on here but both parties are equally responsible, however Sally knows from experience she’s going to be stuck with the kid while the guy can just disappear on her and the child.
It’s a fucking shame.
It’s hard not to judge when a single mom who will have 5 kids with multiple deadbeat dads and offload her kids to family members to take care of them while she runs off to get knocked up some more.
Sure, the deadbeat dads suck. But the sister also sucks.
You're not the a**hole here. Your mom and the others are trying to guilt-trip you into fixing your sister's problems, which aren't your responsibility. It's good to help family, but enabling someone's bad choices isn't helping. You're doing what's best for your family by planning for your new baby. It's totally reasonable to want to reuse items or sell them for credit. You shouldn't feel obligated to give away things you need or want to use.
Her mother is trying to guilt her into fixing her mother’s mistake, Sally didn’t arrive here alone . I, the youngest most responsible of my siblings, can tell you that entitled older siblings are the reason their younger siblings are responsible not the parents that raised the entitled children. I loved my dad , and in all honesty he was deployed too much of their childhoods to be to blame for making them entitled, but I wished most of my life he would cut the whining brats off.
How much are you willing to bet that OP's mother gives money to Sally but never OP, because "Sally needs it more"?
My younger ex-brother (the baby of the family, and the only boy) was subsidized by our parents well into his fifties, and that was Mom & Dad's reason.
NTA I would consider going low contact if they put you down for putting your family first rather than enabling your sister.
Exactly. "I'm pregnant and don't want this stress in my life right now. I'll talk to the three of you after the birth... Probably"
NTA
You have another baby on the way. You need baby stuff.
The only place you went wrong (not AH wrong, just inconveniencing yourself wrong) was in over-explaining to your mother and giving her a chance to argue. Just a “Mum, I’m also having a baby and still need it” would have sufficed.
This. And if she says: “but you’re having a boy!” Say “Clothes are clothes. Don’t you worry about us”
Mom and Grandma can offer to buy her all new boy stuff in exchange....
NTA. Sounds like your mom is the biggest AH here for just offering up your stuff without asking you. Maybe you could give Sally the items that the resale place does not want to buy?
A. The mum is the biggest asshole for that. B. Don’t give them anything, it will send the message that you bend to their wishes. Tell them all to stick it.
NTA Definitely not your fault that your sister has five kids, no money, and no decent man in her life. You’re putting the clothes to good use so you can provide for your own baby.
NTA
OP: How about your mother and grandmother buy the baby stuff for your sister? More importantly, how about your mother talking to your sister about her poor decisions.
OP: You mentioned nothing about your father and grandfather. What is the background with your mother and grandmother? Single mothers themselves?
NTA - Sooooo over "family helps family"BS. That's a $%!tty excuse for toxic people that have no respect for others. You can help your sister by telling her to get her uterus cut out and tube's burned cause she can't keep her legs closed. Don't help her she's lazy and worthless and shouldn't breed anymore.
NTA Why is Sally without baby things? She's had several children and she has nothing for her next child? Keep your things and tell the busybodies who expect you to give them up to learn how to be more supportive of all their female family members, not just Sally.
And why is Sally not offering boy clothes to OP??
Right? They could totally trade! Except Sally obviously is piss poor at planning so has nothing. Basically, if Sally wasn't entitled and spoiled, this could be a very different story.
NTA. It’s not like you have the items, don’t need them and don’t want to donate out of spite. You need your baby items for your child. If your sister chose not to save the baby gear from her prior children, that was her decision and she needs to provide the new baby’s necessities.
If your family is so concerned about your sister, then they can provide for her child.
NTA. Reiterate to mum and grandma that yes, family helps family, so they are free to help sister if they want, but you are looking after your own first.
NTA and I’ll probably get downvoted into oblivion for this. But CPS/CYS can and will help. Were working with them and our caseworker actually got a HUGE grant and is going to help us get all the “big ticket items” a car seat a pack and play with the newborn attachments a crib stuff like that. And churches give away diapers and wipes. WIC covers formula and some food. Im sure she will qualify for food aide.
Theres help IF you look for it.
NTA but your sister certainly is.
To continue to have children when you knowingly cannot provide for them is something I absolutely cannot stand. It is not notlr should not be your nor anyone elses responsibility to make sure that child is cared and provided for but their parents. If they are not capable fo that then they should not be having children, plain and simple.
You should not be forced to put yourself out in order to accommodate someone who refuses to make good life choices to better themselves and their childrens lives. There is a reason that you are doing OK even though you are not financially well off. It is because you are making responsible choices and planning ahead.
The people hounding you are more than welcome to empty their own pockets in order to coddle your sister through her terrible choices. You may want to consider blocking them and or going low/no contact for a while.
And she had the best 9 months ago but has nothing for the new born
NTA
Sally needs to start using birth control If you can't afford more kids, stop getting pregnant.
Not your problem.
Yeah. I'm kinda wondering if she understands how babies are made. Like after her last kid, did she just go "whelp, that's the last time that's gonna happen!" And pitch out the baby stuff?
Grandma & auntie can go hunt down the fathers of these children and take them to court. Use that money to get your sister's tubes tied.
OP is being responsible and is NTA. Take care of your own family. Congratulations on the new baby.
I now have 3 very upset people hounding me, telling me how selfish and rude I am, and demanding that I help my sister out because “family helps family”
Cool - what you actually have is 3 very upset people that can help your sister out themselves because "family helps family". AMIRITE?
NTA
Nope, no, uh-uh, non... NTA.
If your family wants to enable Sally then they can buy her what she wants, rather than hounding you, the responsible one on her behalf.
The nerve of them calling you selfish and rude is outrageous.
NTA. But maybe donate one of those thigh exercise bands as they help keep the legs closed 😝🤭
NTA, but I know car seats expire so please check on this.
Every year Target has a deal where you bring in your old car seat and you get credit towards a new one (haven’t worked there in a while so not sure on the specifics). Just thought I would share as that info of reusing the 2 year old car seat jumped out at me!!
The car seat we have expires after 10 years! We bought it new, and We only used it for about 7 months before switching my daughter to a convertible. It has since been very carefully stored and put away for next baby! Thank you though!!
NTA. If the rest of the extended family have been helping your sister out so far, then they can keep doing so. Unless this grab for clothes from you is over some or a lot of them finally deciding to cut her off. Go LC or even NC with the three flying monkeys until after you give birth because you certainly don't need the stress they're dishing out at the moment.
I am just going to take a moment to yet again absorb fact that irresponsible people like OP’s sister (I have a sister just like her too) get pregnant at the drop of the hat over and over again, but people who can afford babies but suffer from infertility can’t. Seems like someone picked the wrong setting when they set up humanity.
NTA. They can get her baby clothes themselves, it’s not that hard. Buy nothing pages are nice or finding a pregnancy center that does classes in exchange points to use at their baby store! You can even get a car seat and a pack n play for free at my center if you take a car seat safety and a sleep safety class!
Literally what happened in this situation. The wind blows in the wrong direction and she gets pregnant.. I on the other hand needed medical intervention to achieve both pregnancies 🫠
Good for the people that get pregnant this easily, i wish it were me 🤣🤣
I understand that. Like I’m not suggesting they give their babies away but maybe scatter some of that baby dust around to the rest of us 🤣
Methinks mom and sil need to read the dictionary to fully understand the meaning of ‘selfish and greedy”. How dare OP not hand over baby items, that she herself will need to her dysfunctional sister. OP please don’t let them manipulate you into this. Once you give in, then what else will they demand from you.
You know, Sally can contact an adoption agency if she is in no position to provide for fifth child.
Maybe you should also give your car and tv, because you have means to buy a new one and she does not. Wtf is wrong with your mom.
NTA
I stopped reading after baby #5.... 💀
Your mum and grandma are enablers
NTA and if they keep bitching at you to buy something your sister needs, buy her a box of condoms and call it a day.
NTA
Even if you didn’t need the items for your family, you have no obligation to support another adult.
If your mother and grandmother are so concerned, let them get off their derrière and find resources for her.
Why did they think you are responsible for your sister?
Your Mom and Grandmother can buy anything Sally needs for her newest child.
NTA
NTA “lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm” comes to mind in this situation.
Take care of your family first and your sister needs to learn to do the same with hers. Keep an eye on that enabling Mother you share.
NTA. The best help for Sally would be to teach her how birth control works. 5 kids without any means to provide for them is negligent, imo. I feel sorry for her kids, but not wasting my sympathy on Sally.
NTA, DON'T give her anything at all, and you can tell the butthurt asshole of your so-called family to go ahead and buy clothes for the 6th baby. it's not your responsibility to give your sister any of the clothes you saved from your kids. Your mother and grandmother are enabling this shit behaviour as clearly, their golden child can't do anything wrong.
what parent doesn't keep at least 50% of the baby items ''just in case'' my mum saved all the baby items from my sister who is currently 14 for a very long time she only got rid of everything last year, 13 years after having my sister
Your sisters irresponsible life choices isn't your responsibility whatsoever
Your Mom is a classic case of Co-Dependency. Your sister is a mess, probably has some sort of history/hurt thats caused her to choose poor men... You cant fix this for her, she needs therapy and the revelation that shes got an issues. My mom was like this. She was in her mid 40s when she got it sort of “together”. She is still a mess.
Beat of luck OP, NTA
Intrigued to know how many baby daddies your sis has for her brood?
And if she's heard of a new fangled contraceptive called CLOSE YOUR LEGS LOVE?!!
NTA at all. What has she done with the rest of her baby clothes from her other children?
Just FYI, do NOT reuse the same car seat for your new baby, they are not usually safe to use for that long. Check the manufacturing lable.
You are absolutely in the right! Ask your mom and grandma why sis has no baby items left, yet you are supposed to give yours up. The rest of your family sounds very dysfunctional and are enablers. You might be better off distancing yourself from them and living your life how you want and you are not owing your sister anything. The whole thing about family helping family is such bull…. - especially when there is such dysfunction. We do not have a choice in what family we are born into, but we do have a choice in whom we want to surround ourselves with. I moved from Europe to the US when I was 25 to get away from my family - I am now 59 and so happy I did! I applaud you for making the choices you have made in your life.
Buy her a box of condoms
NTA. You don’t need a long explanation about the resale store, etc. Just say no i am using that stuff. My household doesn’t have a lot to spare but i will do what i can. Sister needs a real plan that doesn’t include my family.
Don’t try reasoning with enablers like this. Just say no.
ETA: tip: go to garage sales in wealthy parts of town. They have 10x more stuff than they need so everything looks brand new. Clothes, shoes, high chairs.
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