AITA for locking my husband out our bedroom?

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

My husband has a friend group he tends to overly drunk with and when he goes out with them comes back very drunk and wakes me up. I had an important meeting at work so I locked our bedroom for to ensure I got my sleep and he didn’t wake me. He is now upset.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

NTA. It sounds like he's got a problem. Be that with drinking, or being a people pleaser to his friends, or both. If you've had regular discussions about how his behavior is impacting you and you specifically told him you did not want to be harrassed/woken up as you had work, then he needs to listen to you. Locking him out of the bedroom for your sleep health isn't the end of the world. He had a bed to sleep in. Perhaps that will teach him that his actions have consequences. He's an adult and needs to act like one. 

NTA. Give it time and he’ll become a full blown alcoholic if he’s not already.

NTA and John is developing a serious drinking problem that he needs to handle now.

He's an alcoholic. His bullshit will probably escalate until one of you gets hurt.

NTA. You did the right thing. Your husband really needs to stop drinking with these friends if this is going to continue happening.

You are clearly in denial... "he doesn't drink as much as they do". Obviously he picked this friend group 🙄 and..... wait for it.... he does drink Like they do. Your NTA, but Cleary haven't learned that an alcoholic does love wives,husbands,and kids, they just don't know how. YOU need counseling asap. I wish you well

Nta. You’re not his babysitter.

NTA - he needs to get his shit together… sooner than later! No apology needed on your part!

Please tell me that he’s not driving home like that? NTA

NTA his behavior is childish and could become worse if he doesn’t get it together

NTA he sounds like a alcoholic. If he can’t control his drinking and isn’t quiet he shouldn’t get to be in the bedroom.

NTA , I think you should consider couples therapy and some type of AA program for him. People who have an alcohol problem are very hard to deal with and usually end up disappointing you when you need them most. I would set the expectation of him getting help. You did not mention children, if you don't have any I would consider birth control to see how this play s out

NTA, But husband needs to step from the new friend group to take a serious, sober look at how his behavior has changed, & how his drinking is effecting both of your lives. Its a slippery slope. The old adage " "you become like the people you surround yourself with".. is a perfect example of how they're changing him.

I can’t help but wonder, what is your definition of a social drinker?

Does he not have a job? It sounds like he's constantly going out drinking during the week, there's no way he could be holding a steady job like this. If that's the case then definitely NTA.

A few people have mentioned that you could have told him before he left to go sleep downstairs, and I agree that approach would have been better. But still, NTA.

If you make other people responsible for the outcome of your drinking, you’re an alcoholic, as far as I’m concerned.

He needs to be responsible for his own shite.

NTA

NTA- he can learn not to drink so fucking much. No one is holding a gun to his head ffs.

NTA. Nuff said.

Tell him to apologize for every time he woke you up! I have always said that there is nothing noisier than a drunk trying to be quiet. Maybe he needs to grow up and stay home with his wife. He's not in college anymore.

You may have a serious problem on your hands. It sounds like your husband is becoming an alcoholic; he may need an intervention.

NTA ! One of my friend was killed by a drunk driver if your man doesn't care about his life make him understand that other people those not want to lose their lives because of your unconscious husband. Sorry but he seems to be an alcoholic.

You are NTA but I think there are other, more important concerns you are overlooking. I'm assuming he is driving home after a night of drinking because he wanted you to stay awake to see if he made it home safely. I dearly hope I'm wrong, because if you think getting woken up when he comes home after a night of drinking is bad, wait until he wraps his car around a tree or runs into another car and gravely injures or kills someone and you get that call in the middle of the night. Or get a call to come bail him out of jail because he got pulled over for drinking and driving. Your husband needs to get his drinking under control or you need to think about a legal separation. A lawsuit and/or court case brought on by his drinking and driving could ruin you financially. Could you live with it if he killed someone? How about if he severely injured himself? He is playing with fire and you, as the one closest to him, will surely get burned.

NTA. He is a grown man. He went out with one intention, or at least that’s what he told you, and knew you had to get up early. It should have been assumed he would not disturb you!

NTA. Your husband has a very big problem and its going to get worse. Source: I'm a recovering alcoholic and my wife was getting ready to leave me if I didn't stop.

You may have to have a very serious talk with him and be prepared to back it up. He needs to flat out stop drinking at least temporarily and quit with the new friend group unless he wants to lose everything.

So now you stet o be the drunk caretaker? No no no. He has a problem. Black out drinking is not good.

You should look into al-anon for yourself

You have a big problem.  John clearly becoming an alcoholic. 

Better get some professional help asap. 

NTA. I would’ve done the same, you had a presentation in the morning and he needs to realise that your sleep was important and if he has no memory of if he wakes you or not maybe he needs to stop the drinking or limit himself. Or on the other hand call a doctor because this sounds like an ALCOHOLIC to me

NTA, as you said grown man who chose to drink excessively and can deal with the consequences himself.

NTA. Your husband has a drinking problem. He texted you that he knew he had too much to drink but would stop after the next one. Why didn't he stop when he texted you? You need to check out Al-anon, and have a serious talk about his drinking.

he will stop after the next one.

This is my favorite part. He knew he already had too much. It sounds like he was still working on one drink but will stop after the next one. Ive used that excuse myself back when i was young and hanging out with friends. Everyone else is drinking so i must drink to . To keep up or to be cool or whatever. When i cut out that friend group everything changed for the better.

I think there is a pressure from either himself of these "new Friends" to keep up. You know the whole "come on man, dont be a wuss have another". He should probably step back from these people. Reevaluate why he needs to be out getting drunk with the guys this much. Whats going on that has changed his priorities. Sudden changes from drinking socially to binge drinking could be stress, fomo, peer pressure. There are lots of factors that go into a change of this magnitude. Which will lead to more significant problems.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease in which someone has extreme difficulty not drinking. Alcoholism usually starts as social drinking or experimenting with alcohol. So his progression is concerning.

OP i hope that you both seek counseling before its too late. There is a small window of opportunity here. I hope you seize it. Sometimes one little wake up call is all it takes. Communicate that this is affecting your life and the marriage, and if this continues there will be harsher consequences. Good Luck

NTA

" should have stayed up to watch him get back, or called to check on him as he was clearly very drunk"

Really? NTA, your husband is a sorry piece of work. I'd be moving all his stuff into the guest room and telling him that's where he lives now, until he gets himself together. If that was a one-off, or even very occasional, you can live with it. But it isn't, is it? He's putting his drinking above your marriage, that's not and should not be acceptable.

NTA

You're not his mother

NTA ... John is an AH alcoholic and is showing zero respect for you and your marriage. He is showing that he is not committed to you or the marriage ... time to rethink your relationship because as it stands now, this marriage is doomed if the AH hubby doesn't get his alcoholism under control.

Oh isn't that interesting? Every single night, he magically has no memory of coming home, waking you up, nothing! Too much alcohol, tee hee! 

And yet, very coincidentally, for the first time ever, he can remember details about his last night. 

Your husband has a drinking problem. I strongly suggest you get yourself to an Al-Anon or similar support group to learn how to handle this situation in a way that's best for you. 

Having blackouts indicate a problem. NTA

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I 28f have been with my husband John 26m for 4 years. We met at a party, and are very social people and love to go out. However I prefer staying home more now and go out less than John does.

John has recently joined a new friend group and they are heavy drinkers. John is a social drinker, but doesn’t drink as much as they do. Now that he has started hanging out with them he tends to match what they drink and while they can pull it off, John gets very drunk.

When he gets back from these nights out he comes in our room to sleep and is very loud. I get irritated as I have to go to work the next day and wake up at 7 and the next day John has no hangover and no memory or waking me up.

I have told John many times to pace himself when drinking with those friends or at least be quieter when you get back home.

John went out with that friend group last night and I told him I have an important presentation at work tomorrow, so please don’t wake me up. John agreed and went out. He called me as I was going to bed, and sent me drunk texts about how he was sorry but he had too much again, but he will stop after the next one.

I knew he would wake me when he gets back so I locked the bedroom door. We have a guest room downstairs and I left that door open to him with the light on to that room, closing all the other doors do he would know where to go.

When I got back from work today, John was upset I locked him out and went to bed after he sent me drunk texts. He said that judging by their tone I should have stayed up to watch him get back, or called to check on him as he was clearly very drunk. I told him he was a grown man capable of making his own decisions.

He is also upset I locked him out our room and wants me to apologise.

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NTA he’s a grown man with a drinking problem. He is inconsiderate of your needs when he comes home drunk like this. John needs to grow up.

NTA. If drinking affects his job or his relationship then he's an alcoholic. Sounds like this is the case

NTA

At what point does getting black out and sloppy drunk get old? I wouldn't be able to deal with that.

What you told him is correct. He's a grown man and has to take responsibility for his actions. Who's getting that drunk on a week day when you have to be at work the next day?

He needs better friends.

NTA

He has a drinking problem.

NTA and John needs to grow up

Doesn't sounds like you did anything wrong, if any of my friends did this, and their wives made them sleep on the couch/guest bedroom they would accept the fact they fucked and ended up in the dog house.   NTA 

If you are drinking at different levels and one goes out more theres going to be trouble

Hi, I’m John and I’m an alcoholic.

NTA. John has a problem. He is not satisfied with sabotaging his life, he wants to ensure he sabotages yours as well. That's not the actions of a functional and caring person. Time to wake up - he is misbehaving and complaining about your reasonable efforts to reduce the negative impact on your life. Please don't spend years wondering how you can fix him beause you can't, that is his job. Good luck, you are going to need it.

You’re NTA, but it sounds like you might be in denial about how deep into drinking he is. If he keeps up with them, he’s doing exactly what they’re doing and drinking just as much as they are… Deflecting blame, lying, inability to control intake, not wanting to take accountability for anything and flat out disregarding others feelings/simple requests all point to addiction/alcoholism. Especially if he denies it’s causing problems when you’ve told him it is. As a recovering addict myself, (I exhibited many of those signs listed before when I was in active addiction and it only got worse because I was able to minimize how it was taking over all aspects of my life in my head to cope), Idk It really sounds like he’s heading into addiction and sadly there’s not much you can control if he isn’t willing to face the truth & its not your responsibility to save him no matter how guilty you may feel. I know that sounds rough but it’s the truth 😕 If he doesn’t see an issue with his actions, he’s an alcoholic. Addicts become more and more selfish without even realizing the harm it’s causing to everyone around them. It’s sad but you’re NTA. Talk to him when he’s clear minded (ideally sober) in a calm, non-confrontational way and just be honest, his response will tell you where to go from there. You’re not a babysitter, he’s a grown adult! Remember that

NTA You did let him know how his actions are affecting you in a negative way.

You set expectations, boundaries and laid out consequences in advance. You did what you said you were going to do, he is the one who didn't.

His behaviour seems to be more of a binge drinker than a social one if this happens more often than not.

I have a friend who sadly is an alcoholic and he always used to say that he didn't remember what happened the night before (he would be very rude, fall all over the place and quite destructive) he also never seemed to get much of a hungover.

A couple of years ago he confessed to me that he does remember but in the morning he pretends he doesn't out of embarrassment and to avoid facing the consequences.

I'm not saying your husband is doing the same but it could be a possibility.

Hopefully you two can talk about this and come to a resolution together.

ESH.

1) It's unclear to me why a simple agreement could not be arranged ahead of time (or even via text message at the time) rather than door locking being the first resort (e.g., "hey when you come home late it wakes me up. Can you sleep in the guest room on nights you're going to do that?") 2) Adopting a passive aggressive behavior rather than addressing the underlying problem head on ("the problem" being this heavy drinking habit which adversely affects one or both of you) is a recipe for failure.

NTA your husband isn't a social drinker. He is a binge drinker. You need to sit him down about these friends. How is he getting home? How much money is he wasting in drinks and users? This isn't sustainable. And it's obviously hurting your marriage.

NTA. It seems reasonable to have him sleep in the guest room. Drunk or not, agreeing that if he is coming in really late on the eve of an important work event for you, I think it makes a lot of sense for him to sleep in the guest room to not disturb you.

I can understand why he was upset if he came home to the bedroom door locked with no warning or discussion in advance though. Probably best to plan that ahead next time…

you go girl ! everyone needs sleep.

I'm surprised you actually have a lock on your bedroom door. . . (assuming it's an internal door).

NTA

This is a repost

NTA

Fuck John!

He's an alcoholic. Tell him he can either get sober or get single. NTA.

NTA need to find him an different hobby to balance this out this is fast lane to alcoholism he has time to prevent that

NTA. I think you did the right thing. These antics will probably continue and it’s good for you to set boundaries. Work needs to come first over partying.

NTA, he has a drinking problem and needs help before this gets worse

Nta for locking the door. Yta if you're enablinhg him to drink and drive.

NTA my wife would do the same

NTA, wait for his apology (for being an a$$) instead. Throw in an ultimatum while you're at it (3 more occurrences like this again this year, and he can stay away for good).

NTA. I feel like I wrote this as I went through the same exact thing with my husband. He would do this every goddamn weekend, i don’t work weekends but i am pregnant and we have a toddler together so overall getting sleep when i can is a big priority for me. I’d lock him out of our room and he’d bang on the door whenever he’d get back. I got sick of it finally and I kicked him out, he refused to leave, I moved out with our daughter. That was a wake up call for him, he’s now in therapy and has been sober ever since.

He needs to get his shit together, and if he’s not willing to do so then you need to remove yourself from that situation.

Double down and make sure he knows that his behaviour is going to have consequences. Adult?

Tell him to quit being a child. His drinking shouldn’t become your problem and the fact that it is should be a red flag to him that he needs to quit binge drinking like a college kid.

NTA. As someone who has been in your husband’s shoes in this scenario, I can say that this will only get worse and further damage your relationship unless he gets help (AA meetings, rehab, therapy, etc). I got sober and cut out the toxic (literally) relationships.

My most damaging alcoholic moments occurred in my late twenties, after I got married. It was an identity crisis thing, and I am seeing parallels in your description.

My advice is to express your concern in a calm and empathetic manner, when all the alcohol is out of his system. Keep the dialogue open with him.

You are on this journey together. And if your wants don’t align with the side trip he’s taking, then advocate for yourself.

I’ve seen this exact post before

He’s an alcoholic. There is no way that he doesn’t smell like booze the next day. Good chance he is going to lose his job sooner than later. Is he driving in this condition? You need counseling/Al-Anon now.

"I'm sorry you got too drunk to be a considerate partner."

Getting married and staying married is tough. But ya gotta grow together. Seems like you are growing up and he is prob growing a beer belly and a drinking prob. You adulted and he was the AH.

NTA it sounds like John needs to grow up at 26 and stop binge drinking. You gave him options and he chose not to take any of them. 

He needs help.

Try to get him into therapy.

Good Luck

NTA. My EX-husband used to go out drinking like that and came home drunk in the very early hours of the morning. He would wake me up and accuse me of being mad at him (I was asleep!). I, too, had a job that required me to get up at 6am to make it to work. I talked to him about it (in a non-angry way) time after time after time when he was sober, and nothing changed.

NTA, you problem solved and he needs to take your requests seriously.

NTA. If he needs a babysitter, he should have asked if you were available first and negotiated a fair wage. Will he consider that he has a drinking and addiction problem, or is he in denial?

Nope, NTA - If John wants to be a considerate adult and husband, and can't control his drinking, he needs to seek help. If he wants to be an inconsiderate college kid who needs a mom, he needs to move out. If he wants to sleep in your room, he needs to control who he goes out with and how much he drinks. ALL THESE CHOICES are in his camp, not yours. Set your boundaries, and hold them firmly. When making the same choices over and over becomes harder than moving to your way of thinking, he'll move. Good luck.

NTA but may I suggest you try to get him away from his new buddies and you can also film him (if it's a one party consent state) when he's that drunk to show him what it's like.

NTA.

He's a grown man.

Oh, he's also a drunk.

This type of lifestyle and behavior is normal for a college guy but he needs to grow up

NTA. Sounds like your husband is developing quite the drinking problem. He should stop but if he doesn't using the guest room when he comes home hammered should be the new norm.

Nta. He knew you had an important day ahead. He is a grown man. If he can't handle his drink then he shouldn't drink.

If you replace alcohol with heroin, does it change the tone of the story? Or gambling your life savings away? I like to drink and I like to gamble. But I know my limits. I’m not willing to drink 16 beers to match my friends nor match a $16,000 bet at the casino to keep up with my friends. Know your limits.

John needs to grow up and learn to take responsibility for himself rather than expecting you to be his mommy. Sleep is a requirement. Denying other people sleep is literally a form of torture. Your husband is willing to actually torture you so he can drink with the boys. NTA for locking him out, and it should be made clear that he will be locked out every time he isn't home sober by a reasonable hour as determined by you, since you bear the consequences. NTA.

NTA. I do this when my husband doesn’t come back in from his drinking adventures (out in our shop) with his cousin, uncle, and brother, by 11. I’m not interested in being woken up or smelling, hearing, and dealing with his dead weight sleeping all night. The couch is a perfect place for him.

Don’t apologize. Tell him flat out he’s disrespectful to your sleep and work. You deserve the apology.

I have read this AITA before. Exact same scenario and everything. Correction, this time hubby is a heavy drinker, last time hubby was just out with friends.

Your right he is an adult and needs to behave that way he is also accountable for his actions don't promise something you know you can't do because you also know that with your new buddies the drinking with them will take over your responsibility as a husband He is getting drunk way to often so no apology you asked nicely not to be disturbed and left him a comfortable place to sleep you needed your good sleep for work he text to say sorry as he broke his promise and was already getting plastered You said you work but does John how does he go out drinking every night why are these men always drinking Sounds like John wants to be a big boy so is trying hard to keep up with them but obviously can't unfortunately the more he tries the drunker he gets then he can't make responsible choices for himself so I think he needs to cut theses blokes of and stay of the grog You don't owe him any apology he owes you for why he has been acting so poorly lately going out drinking getting so drunk and never being home You need to tell him to stop acting like a teenager with a crush on the cool kids and wake up to himself

ESH, get a divorce. A spouse shouldn't LOCK out a partner unless physical abuse is occurring. A spouse shouldn't constantly go out with others and get blind drunk. You should sleep in a different room if YOU can't stand it. And he should definitely STAY home and spend time with you. This will NOT ever work. I do think he is way MORE of an ahole than OP, but just for putting up with this I give an esh.

i still dont get how a company could have so much FIMM

I would have stayed in the guest room to avoid the conflict. All the other things, nah f that. Like you said. He's an adult, and stopping after the NEXT one??? Homeboy knew he was drunk. He may have a problem.

NTA. Agreed that he is a grown man and should govern himself better

so because of his inconsideration and refusal to control himself while drinking, you need to apologize?

NTA. Your husband needs to grow up.

My husband's an asshole. Am I the asshole?

100% NTA. 100% you are being the adult on this matter.

Leaving alcohol issues aside, the glaring disrespect being shown to the boundary being laid down by you is what is sticking out to me. You need to be rested and awake for work and especially presentations at work.

There is also the message he isnt getting about you locking the bedroom door.

Getting blitzed during the work week is highly troubling to any relationship and in any case.

The elephant in the room is a giant pink one.

The fact he can't say no to his new buddies, the lack of respect, the wanting to go out without your wife so badly, is troubling. Wait for the first DUI. Its looming out there. If he is already disregarding your concerns about this, what else will he not be able to say no to?

I suppose normally he's a great guy, but turns into an immature prick when you add alcohol. Any apologies from him about his behavior mean zilch without changing the behavior.

Def. not the asshole. Do not apologize. He should be thankful you don't change the locks to the front door. One day, you might not want to deal with the BS.

He should be thankful you take his calls and drunk texts.

Btw, sorry so verbose, dealt with a situation like this myself.

NTA.

When he knew you needed a good night’s sleep and had a work presentation the next morning, his complaint was that you should have sacrificed both in order to stay up half the night and baby his wasted self when he got home? Give me a break!

Being self-centered to this degree is a textbook behavior of an alcoholic.

Nah not really

Poor wittle boy! Did mommy not stay up to make sure her drunk as shit baby got safely into his cwib?

NTA!

Does John have a job? How is he able to drink so much so often?

NTA. He needs help if he’s getting that drunk. Don’t let it go too far

NTA you specifically told him you had an important work presentation and he not only let himself get out of control drunk, he expected you to dedicate your night to taking care of him LIKE HE IS A CHILD.

You should make it clear that from now on if he comes back after a certain time he absolutely is sleeping in the guest room, it's not a question. Either that or you can just separate rooms right now.

NTA. Kick him out of your life (not just your bedroom) until he gets his shit together.

NTA. How often does he get this drunk?

YTA

Getting a divorce would be fine, but lokcing him out of HIS bedroom makes you an AH.

Yta

NTA. Screw John!

NTA. You repeatedly asked him to either pace himself or be quieter and he didn’t listen… not only that buttt also expects you to take care of him when he gets that drunk?? Nah he got himself that way

NTA John is an imbecile.

NTA drinking is for losers. People should learn that when they are 18-21 and stop. Your man is a slow learner, probably has no friends outside of the drinking groups which is why he keeps doing it.

NTA. Time to rethink the Relationship. What happens when you want kids? This is alcoholic bs and it only gets worse unless you put your foot down. The drinking stops, or you're done. Period.

When I got back from work today, John was upset I locked him out and went to bed after he sent me drunk texts. He said that judging by their tone I should have stayed up to watch him get back, or called to check on him as he was clearly very drunk. I told him he was a grown man capable of making his own decisions.

This is the only part of this whole story that is even a little bit assholish.. I'm assuming you'd want him to make sure you're okay in this situation. I think most of us would want to make sure our partner is okay, regardless of gender.

Aside from that, NTA.

You’re the asshole.

Unless he’s coming home at 4am

But if he’s coming home at 5…..and you have to be up at 7 for an “important” work thing. Then just wake up while he’s stumbling into bed. He gets to sleep and you get some awake alone time.

When I or my guy come home, not even drunk but because we work opposite shifts, we wake one another up because we adore each other’s company

One day you’ll be an adult too.

You Could have handled it differently

1) text to tell him he'd be in the guest room 2) conversation before just locking him out 3) its both your house and his house.

You go to the guest room if 1 or 2 haven't happened already

ESH

You're justified but locking him out of his own room without a heads up feels retaliatory. Especially when you also have the option to go to guest room

Slightly YTA. To have been totally clean hands in this you should have given him a heads up by text that you’ve made up the spare room to sleep it off without waking you.

Not really, but you could have texted him you were locking the door and he should sleep in the guest room, that way it wont shock him and it will be easier to accept. If you are suddenly surprised with such things especially when under the influence you tend to get upset. I think you are right to look out for yourself, but dont forget that men have feelings too.

Depends did you give him warning you were going to lock him out?

INFO: Who owns the house?

I think giving him a heads up you were going to lock the door and why would have been an easy courtesy for someone you care about.

ESH, but on a mild level.

He should have respected your appointment and restrained himself.

You should have told him you preferred him sleeping in the other room when he told you he'd stay longer instead of just locking him out, which for him might have come out of the blue.

Generally speaking you should talk about this habit. Just because his friends are alcoholics doesnt mean he has to become one. There is no problem with taking it slowly when going for a drink. He can still hang out with them, but can take a soda here and there instead of another beer, so he wont get actually drunk. That would be better.

Will you wait until you get a call from the police about the accident he caused and died in before you talk to him about his problem?

You locked him out of his own bedroom? YTA

Yta , it’s he’s room too , locking one out is not going to solve anything, in fact it’ll probably just make the situation worse