I (41f) married my husband (45m) last November. We only finally moved in together a few months before the wedding. Had been dating for 3 years.
On paper, I earn more than he does but I end up bringing home about the same as he does because I have health, vision, dental, long and short term disability, life insurance and retirement taken out of my check. He doesn't.
We have REALLY been butting heads over money lately. I still have to give him half the rent but he literally pays for nothing else. I pay all the utilities, phone bill, groceries, cleaning supplies, and just about everything else. Electric is through the roof right now because of the heatwave.
The issue is that I'm often out of money by the time Inpay everything. And I'm left with absolutely nothing some weeks. He goes suborbital and tells me that I need to "save my money." And is reluctant to even peel off a $5 for soap.
Yet, he is constantly finding a new hobby to hyperfocus on. Lately it's been his electric bicycle. Every week there packages with nre parts for it. It's all he talks about.
Back when I got my Christmas bonus, it was his RC car (which he doesn't even look at now) and I had to pay a huge amount of money for parts and sensors etc.
When tax time came around and he found out how much my tax refund was going to be, he pestered me FOR WEEKS over a wildly expensive handgun. As it talked about it every waking moment. Literally wouldn't leave me alone.
So I bought it because he insisted it was the "one thing he wanted." He then went and spent his little bit of pocket money buying ammo and a holster.....it sits in a drawer. It's been fired exactly once. I like guns as much as the next person but we have other guns. I do t understand why he had to have an $1,100 gun if he wouldn't even go to the range with it.
Which leads up back to the Ebike and the present.
I work for a small but very rapidly growing company. I'm not earning a ton right now but I got on with this company at exactly the right time. Generous PTO, pretty much unlimited voluntary overtime, constant recognition for hard work, an amazing office, loads of performance incentives. A lot of focus on employee wellness and work-life balance. At least once per month we get to go home early on Friday with pay and hybrid workspace options. They give away free PTO like it's candy, always handing out bonuses even if they are just a $100.
We've been going through this huge restructuring because we are growing so quickly. I'm pretty good at what I do so I I'm often done with my work early and volunteered to pick up work from other departments because...frankly...we are all collectively drowning in work. I had my annual review yesterday. And I was informed that I'm getting a bonus. Nothing crazy but definitely substantial.
I decided not to tell my husband. We have separate bank accounts. Bills are piling up but I decided I'm going to put that money into my savingings accountto use as my personal pocket money. I just know that the second I mention it, he's going to corner me and pester me with photos of bike parts and God's knows what else nonstop.
I told my aunts and a couple of trusted close friends about it. They all say it's a amazing but I should use the money to get caught up on bills. And "what if there is an emergency?"
He knows I use this app thing that pays you for playing mindless drivel games. I play them while I sit on hold or in the evenings while I'm decompressing. Obviously it doesn't pay retirement money but I do get a little pocket money from it. So I plan to just tell him that "it's y game money" if he happens to notice I have a little "extra" money.
I feel guilty but I know that my life would be a living nightmare until I conceded.
Moving out isn't an option right now. I live in a LCOL area but rent had become so inflated the past 2 years that there is absolutely no way I can afford to get a apartment by myself.
AITAH?