My ex husband wants me back but I couldn’t do it

NTA, and nobody is entitled to endless chances. He FAFAFA and finally FO. Hold your head up high. This isn’t on you.

NTA. This is all on him. He is trying to flip it on you

He's gaslighting you in thinking you wont give him a chance that your the problem, all while he's bustin a nut in someone else. He's a winner (sarcasm).

What happened with his affair partner? Is he pushing to get back with you because things didn't work out with her? If he stopped seeing her, when did he stop? Do they still work together?

He cheated, and that lead to the divorce. Information about the affair partner and where they stand is important.

NTA. You don't owe anyone your future. He destroyed the family, not you.

Edit: spelling

NTA. He hasn’t changed. He broke your family when he cheated not once, but twice. You did what you had to and repaired the damage. You are still a family. You have kids so there’s no changing that. That doesn’t mean you have to be his wife or partner. He’s upset because he doesn’t like the reality that you were able to fix what he broke, and the fact that you don’t need him.

He didn't actually want to be better. He wants to pretend so you'll be manipulated, but he can't keep the mask on.

What a fucking shitbag.

NTA. It's not a goddamn betrayal. You can't "betray" something that is already dead and buried.

It's not like you fucked off to drink mimosas and work on your tan, you GOT RID of a LYING CHEATER.

Women irk my spirit with the "I feel guilty" perspective! Guilty for what, you didn't have an affair. You didn't abandon the family, and you didn't betray the 2nd chance attempt to reconcile.

Girl, move the hell on with your new life and new partner. Stop giving ex any sense of hope that he has a chance. That's ultimately disrespectful to your new man.

He wasn't concerned about the kids when he was getting off with the AP. He doesn't get to project unto you exactly what he did to ruin the family and marriage.

All the noise he talking needs to go directly over your head. Your only response when his contact is not about the kids should be "i can't hear you over my new life."

Why bring your kids back into mistrust and dysfunction. You know a reconcile is not going to work. He wanted you to pine for him, be weak for him, and now that you are thriving, let him stay where he is....curled up crying on HIS sofa about what he used to have!

NTA, you'll be TA if you move back with him. Set an example to your kids, be straight with him that you're done. He's manipulating you and soon will put all the blame on you with your family backing him up. It will make the situation worse for your kids. Think about your children and you too.

People like him come back when they see that you're not wallowing in self-pity or spiralling into depression. He saw that you found another guy and therefore now wants to act like a "family" again.

NTA. He cheated on me. You gave him a chance. He never stopped cheating. And he won't. No matter how much he pleads or blames you. I'd suggest cut all unnecessary contact. Use one of those co-parenting apps or a lawyer/mediator to discuss the children and live your life to the fullest.

NTA.

Sounds like he loved you chasing him. Was sure you would never stop being “the dutiful wife”. He could get away with being single and married. Only when you are done chasing him does he realize what he actually had. Move on and be happy for yourself and your kids. He can be someone else’s issue.

How could your divorce be finalised in two weeks? That seems hella quick.

NTA... There's only room for him to think about the children and be their Father & Dad. He have done too much damage to have you as his wife again. He's lucky that you was willing to be cordial. Now he's trying to flip it around when all he's showing is that his intentions was about you and not the children.

I guess he's lonely and nobody wants him now or he's just trying to control the situation..all he can do is change himself as a Man/Person and be there for the children.

This sounds like he pulled the divorce card to get you to back down and quit giving him a hard time about his cheating.  Once you reached the "Nope,  I 'm done" point,  now he's all "oopsie,  I didn't really want this outcome." 

Tough turkey for him. Classic FAFAFAFO, and that's not your problem any more. 

NTA

He wants you because he can’t have you. If you take him back the process will just start all over again. Stay strong and don’t fall back into the trap. 

You have nothing to feel guilty about. He’s shown his true colors through his affair, continuing it, then finally giving up on you while pushing for divorce. Now he’s showing his true colors yet again. Pretending to be committed for a few months and his patience has worn out. He had 4 months of pretending to be a good father/partner. That’s all he could handle before he gives up and starts blaming you for his own mistakes. If he can only last 4 months faking it, why would you sign up for a lifetime with him? How many more times would he need to cheat before you finally accept enough is enough? How many more years do you have to waste with this abuse? If you’re smart, the answer is not another damn day. 

There is a reason he is an ex . Stop remembering all the good parts . We don’t get to go forward so we can change the past . You are not an AH.

NTA, tell him exactly that you are not going back. You are not betraying anyone, Move on. I'm curious why haven't you made it clear from the start. Also do you have a job? It helps to take mind off things.

NTA - there was no second affair. There was one affair that you were not important enough to end.

When his girlfriend found out she didn’t want him full time and kicked him to the curb he wanted to work on things.

BTW - there’s no guarantee he’s not still with her.

Co-parents don’t have to do things together.

You not agreeing to put up with a cheating AH for a husband is not ruining your family. Him fuckkng around ruined your family…this is his consequence. You’re not duty bound to give him chance after chance just because you have kids.

NTA op you gave him multiple chances for him to get his shit together and he refused. It’s best to co parent and nothing else.

NEVER TAKE HIM BACK! My husband cheated at the 10yr mark, we had 2 kids… we worked on it and stayed together… it eventually fell apart again 13 years later. I wish I let him leave at the 10 yr mark!!! He kept going back to blaming me for him being unhappy, meanwhile I was bending over backwards trying, working, cleaning, being both the man and woman… he had video games covered. So he left me for someone he hadn’t even met in person yet. I never saw it coming. We had proved wrong the old adage “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Oops, nevermind. The adage was true. Don’t waste 13 more years of your life like I did! If he says anything sweet or romantic… hang-up on him! Leave him on Read! Send the message you REFUSE to respond to anything other than co-parenting!

NTA. Don't take him back, don't buy his bs.

Wants what he can't have. Move on

He's playing mind games on you.

Tell him you're done. Tell him that you want to go back to just handing off custody to each other, no more fake-happy-family joint outings between the two of you, because it's over and he needs space to get over you, plus you want space from him, an ex.

Nta at all. He f**ked up big time. You tried to work on it but he didn't want to end the other relationship. You made the right choice. I hope you'll find someone who's respecting you completely.

NTA you are not married and if you did get back with him it would be a new relationship so if he can't even handle trying to court you, a single woman, why would you want a relationship with him

You are TAH of you believe his BS that the family failing is your fault. How can you possibly be questioning that? That is called "gaslighting", as I am sure you know. You need to do everything in your power to avoid gaslighters for yourself and your kids. If he was sincere, he would have had a relationship with the kids from the beginning of the separation. If he is sincere now, he will continue to have a relationship with the kids, but I would put money on him go missing once he realizes it's really over.

Nta tell him in no uncertain terms that his dick not staying in HIS pants when he was your husband is what ended his family

My other thought is ask him to see his phone. No "wait a minute" or any of that bs... ask for the phone. Guarantee he's still talking w his ap

The audacity of cheaters to try to brainwash the other person into thinking it's THEIR fault the family is falling apart is astounding.

Just wow. NTA.

You didn't ruin your family.

Your husband does not want to love, he wants to control.

End this and get sole custody of the children

Because the co worker left him. Hahaha Dont get back at that stupid person.

NTA

This is all on him.

He liked having his wifey and his side chick. It was bangin' for him. His ego was large and in charge. Two ladies vying for his affections.

The problem is, with you out of the picture, the mistress got bored, and he was probably wanting her to clean his house and shit, so she noped out and, uh oh, he found himself alone.

Stop letting him treat you like crap. Co-parent, but that's it. No more pretend family time.

You need to move forward.

NTA. He had all that time to be better and be there for you and your kids while both of you were together. Yet he played his time at work. Now he wants you back! Because you are happy. You deserve to be happy and I am glad you are moved on. Please don’t take him back. Your kids will be ok and it’s better this way. Good luck for your new adventure in life.

He plays too many games. He's so oblivious, he doesn't even know that he's a game player This is so harmful to you I think you're doing a good job

This guy is not a man of character. It would escalate again and again

Oh hell no, onward and do NOT look back at him.

He ruined the family, NOT you OP.

He willingly, knowingly and intentionally chose to cheat. He NUKED your marriage and family through is actions, choices and behaviors.

NTA. You gave him more than enough chances, and he blew them. As long as you were giving him chances, he continued to treat you all badly. He was counting on your always being there for him, so he allowed himself to cheat and to throw you out. As soon as you decided to cut your losses and part from him completely, he realized that you weren't just his doll whom he could toss on the shelf, and would still be there when he wanted her - so he tried to win you back. But by then you had had enough, and more than enough. You agreed to coparenting but no more - so now he is blaming you for ruining your family. You didn't ruin your family - he did it all by himself.

If you agree to reconcile, most likely he will again count on your being there for him no matter how he treats you, and resume his cheating. You have every reason to stay away from him.

Girl leave that dude in the dust. You owe him NOTHING. And screw that guilt. Where was his concern when he was rushing the divorce. 

He wants you back because you walked. It’s about winning and being in control, not love not family 

NTA

NTA. FAFO

NTA. He's the one who ruined the family and is now unable to see you moving on in life.

NTA- don’t let anyone convince you that choosing yourself is ever a bad idea or that you should feel guilty about it. No guilt, no shame, go on with your life.

NTA. He had an affair and lied about ending it. Now, after a quick divorce, I guess his AP lost interest. You were always just the backup plan. It isn't your fault. AP just wanted to take the man, not keep him.

Run , OP, 🏃‍♀️. Total NTA

No you are NTAH your husband only wants what he can’t have and he enjoys the chase

nta for not taking him back. but you are an ah for giving him hope of reconciliation while you’re seeing someone, i hope that person realizes they deserve better than to be a place holder.

It’s love bombing. Now that you are not interested, he wants you back. But then if you go back it will be no time before things are the same again. If not worse because if you came back after that, what won’t you come back for?

NTA…. He’s a douche. Just stay coparenting

I told him he was free to date others and not wait for me but he always told me he didn’t want anyone else he wanted me and his family back together.

Where was that attitude when you were married and trying to fight for your marriage? NTA

Did you ruin your family? Not in the least. That is what cheaters do. They turn the victim into the instigator of the cheating. You are the victim. Your children are the victims. He is a ruthless sociopath that has little regard for you are his kids. It is all about him.

You need to find a real attorney because that two week divorce sounds real fishy to me.

Soak him for everything you can get. He will not change and will only hurt and blame you for all of his faults.

He is trying to turn the tables to make you feel guilty and blaming you..but he is the one who destroyed the marriage by having affairs..he wanted the divorce and he literally threw you out of the house...but once he knew you moved on to dating soneone else that was when he wanted to try again..and maybe the other woman dumped him so he didnt want to be alone and thought you woukd come running back...just telling you he had affairs because something was missing in your marriage that he could only find in others ..he didn't respect or love you to try and work on your marriage...he only wanted you to dump the other guy and come back to him..did he change heck no he didn't..if you had gone back to him in about six months he woukd have cheated again..you never go back to anyone who has had affairs..you close that door and move forward and put the past behind you..

NTA! Keep dating your new guy. Just coparent with your ex-husband. Stop listening to his bullcrap. He should sound like Charlie Brown to you at the point. He's such a loser, Do NOT give him another chance in your life.

YTA, you could have offered some super hot 3 way action and had a life of stability but instead you stuck to your guns…over what? Some genitals rubbing. FFS, you could have even played along and secretly got your own side piece. Now little Johnny has to live at 2 different houses and get a new “uncle” every 3 months

Never go back.

Move forward through life, not backwards.

The issues that destroyed the relationship are still there, waiting to come back in full force if you go back to him.

Some divorced people do remarry. Most aren't successful the second time around either, unless they do the work with therapists on themselves and start over with new intentions. Mostly, it's just a replay, which is something known, but nothing new.

Girl, you need to draw that line. And it is whenever you decide.

But it really should be now and you know it.

NTA. He’s only interested because you have someone else. If you drop the new person, your ex will drop you too.

NTA. However you should always take the advice of anyone else with a grain of salt when dealing in maters of the heart. You know what you feel. No one else here will live with the wonder or regret that you might feel had you not explored every avenue to have the best possible outcome. No one else’s option matters at all when it comes to your life. We all need to realize that we should be better listeners and possibly help guide people in the directions that their hearts are guiding them in. Regardless of what we outsiders feel might happen based on our own experiences and beliefs. That is manipulation. People need to take their own paths. It helps them to develop true understanding of every situation. Take note all you “internet personality experts” out there.

Nta, and didn’t he give you enough reasons and more why you don’t need him anymore? Next

Love how he only wanted OP back after she said no.He’s a true blue AH.Once a cheater always a cheater

He loves the challenge of the chase. The minute you say you'll take him back, he'll be off looking for the next challenge

He had his chance it is now your new guys turn to help you find happiness.

You gave him three chances. In baseball (and life) he'd be out. Don't lose in the game we call life by taking him back.

Make sure to get the full amount of child support you're owed.

Who ruined your marriage?

Well, it wasn't you who tripped and fell, landing with your penis in a co-worker's vagina multiple times.

Man's kidding himself. Just play him some TSwizzle every time he asks... 🎵 We are never, ever, ever... getting back together...🎵

Edit: punctuation

your ex is horrible and a narcissist

NTA . He’s trying to gaslight you. Trust is earned in drops but lost in buckets. He lost yours. He tore it to pieces. 

You can’t just decide to trust him again the same way you can’t decide your broken leg is fine to walk on. But different to a physical hurt, trust is not restored within 6 weeks of rest. You tried to work on it and he was being honourless. It’s the worst thing to say you left your side chick and then you don’t. I would never trust him again, either. 

I guess his oh so romantic affair didn’t work out once he was free. And now he’s miraculously found the it he misses his family. 

To think that he could get you back by guilt-tripping you is the stupidest dick move. 

He broke the marriage, he broke the family. He can complain about the breakup to himself. 

If you’re interested, even Jesus said you can leave in a situation like that, it’s in the Bible . 

Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who lacks accountability for his behavior?

What message does that send to your children?

NTA.

Grow a spine. The fact that you’re even asking that question is pathetic. He had an affair and continued to see her even after you found out about it. HE pushed for divorce. HE kicked you and the kids out of the house. So please explain to me how YOU are the one who ruined the family? The line to stop putting up with his shit and moving on was when you found out about the affair. Stop talking about reconciliation all together. That’s the problem. He shouldn’t be doing all of this to make you take him back. He should be doing it because he’s a father and those responsibilities don’t stop just because y’all aren’t together anymore. He doesn’t want you, otherwise he wouldn’t have fucked his coworker. He’s just mad you aren’t sitting at home pining for him. Accept the situation for what it is and move on.

He fucked up, sounds like a him problem

Nta he broke you you’re done time for him to move on

If you’re already with a good person(spouse), don’t bother looking else where because there’s nothing out there that’s better than what you have now! He made the mistake thinking he can do better when he’s already with THE GREAT ONE! He found out the hard way! Keep your head up. This is on him! I Wish you the best!

NTA he’s gaslighting you and thought he could get away with it. Clearly he never thought that you’d actually leave him and he could do anything he wanted. Keep your peace he hasn’t even acknowledged or accepted that he was at fault for all of this and at where you guys stand. He broke up your family and even after you gave him another chance, this isn’t baseball you don’t get three strikes until you’re out.

He's manipulating you and playing the victim. I think his current behavior is proof you did the right thing.

He ruined your marriage and family when he couldn't keep it in his pants.

NTA If you take him back he will do the same thing. He just wants what he can’t have. I bet his fling got bored now that he is single

NTA. He cheated on you more than once, and you are divorced now, and you owe him nothing.

Too little, too late.. the grass was greener til he realized the grass was full of dog shit.

He had his chance he didn’t want you til you gave up now he wants you if you took him back he would have cheated again

NTA. He is the one who chose to end this relationship in the first place, he can lie in his bed. Also, you didn't ruin anything. He doesn't really want you back as a family. He wants you back so you can keep chasing him, and his ego is hurt that you finally had the courage to stand up and say you're done. I'm sure you having another man also made him upset because it further shows he isn't special.

Also, any time you feel bad ask yourself: how would you feel if you took him back and he had an affair again? What would stop him this time? He can't even model act for half a year before pressuring you to just give in again. That is just plain possessiveness, not care.

What he wants doesn’t matter. He had all the chances in the world and he blew them. He can’t get angry because you won’t play his games. He’s annoyed you found your backbone. If you did reconcile he would take it as a sign of weakness and cheat again anyway.

AH to yourself if you get back with him. Have a fun happier life without him.

NTA you did not ruin the family he did that with his repeated choices.

NTA. You gave him plenty of chances to reconcile and he continued to cheat on you. I think you even speaking to him is amazing and he should thank his lucky fucking stars. Tell him to get his head out of his arse, it’s not a hat.

NTA, he only wants you back for 1 guaranteed reason, he realised how comfortable his life was having a wife at home doing things for him, something his ap definitely wouldn't do. and the other reason is because the ap probably kicked him to the curb.

One rule I have in life is don't ask for something you're not willing to provide. It seems you're husband wouldn't provide what he is now asking for. Nta

NTA but next time he even insuiates something like "He felt like I was just trying to be a family without working on things and having some guy on the side, I was leading him on, then started blaming me for our family being broken because I wouldn’t just give him one more chance and leave this new guy. That I was more invested into him than doing what was best for the kids." I would just say "Oh you know like how I had to catch you in an affair. Which you said you would attempt to work on the family. But then you decided you couldnt live without your actual side piece. We are no longer together and I am with someone who (hopefully) respects me, thats not a side piece. That is a boyfriend whom I like. I told you from the start that I attempted to reconcile too many times and the trust was completely shattered. Just because we started doing things as a family again does not mean I want you back. You should be doing these things for YOUR kids rather than in some attempt to win me back. You only want me when you cannot have me. And I will not be putting our children through another divorce and constantly being shifted through living situations."

But most of all you did not ruin your family. You gave him more than enough chances to repent. Hell one was laready more than enough. And he still chose not to. He is living with the choices he made and is now trying to guilt you either because the AP left him or because this is a new "chase" he will eventually get bored of.

NTA. He’s dealing with Karma OP and being a hypocrite. He wants to make things work and wants you to throw your relationship away…but he didn’t want to do that with his coworker for you. Keep the partner and set boundaries with your ex. He FAFO

Some people gave a reactive pathology of regressive behavior where they're playing out a scenario they lack closure with from their childhood. So they are nonsensical. He wanted to be in the position to reject you and push you away and it was really gratifying for him ( your suffering, yearning, trying). TIL you grew and accepted and distanced. Oooh he didn't want that . (" That's not what I WANT!!!") So he tried to up the game and manipulate you back into your 'correct' position so he could play his role and enjoy it. But you didn't comply. Which means it's all your fault. Yeah, too many games, messed up pathology.