So we are going through a financial problem at the moment. Both my wife and daughter wanted Hawaiian bbq for dinner. I got them the food but nothing for myself which I often do. I love Hawaiian bbq too, but can’t afford it. My wife gets mad at me when I do this, so I question how I’m the asshole for getting them good food and making a sandwich or ramen for myself? I don’t rub it in by the way.
...or at least you divide the two portions into three if we're talking takeaway. To get mad instead of touched is strange, and not to solve it by sharing is even stranger (and a red flag imo).
This seems painfully obvious no?
Right?! I totally agree with you
When I was younger my mom would always give me and my little brother 5pc chicken nuggets whenever we went to mc D. She used the lid for my brothers and the bottom of the box for me. Fast forward 15 years and I realized there’s no such thing as a 5pc McNugget… she would always just get the 10pc and split it cuz it was wayyyyy cheaper. 😂 never bothered me. I still got my nuggies and she was able to afford a mc chicken for herself!
We do the same as a family, since 3 of us eat nuggets, we get more food for much cheaper by slipping a 20pcs box and a menu to get some fries and extra nuggets.
Yea idk my mom must have not liked the nuggies😂
I like your mom! Necessity is the mother of invention - and a tasty Mc Chicken :D
My family got the 20 and everyone ate a few. Why wouldn't you share?
My mum did this often and it did make us mad. “Here’s your martyr special, steaming hot guilt”. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t “rub it in”. It was a martyr move and it took what was supposed to be a treat and made it something ominous and awkward.
So as a kid you would have rather she did get you anything at all? I’m just trying to understand the perspective
Yep! I really would have preferred she not get any treat-meal if it meant she didn’t get any either.
You can taste the guilt and shame. You feel self conscious. You weirdly feel spoiled. It’s just a real bad feeling.
My mother skipped meals as well and she didn't let us know. As a child with no understanding of the sacred she was making I would complain about meals just line kkst kids.
Later in life I realized what had been happening in my youth and it's one of those things that yeah you feel terrible for pretty much forever. It may not seem like much but somehow it creeps up and wrenches the gut at random.
Heh I'm reverse. I knew we were VERY financially strapped. On the VERY rare occasion when my parents could save up for lobster and asked me if I wanted some, though I'd never tried it but knew it was a serious luxury for them, I'd say "nah, I don't like lobster... I'd rather have a burger." Fast forward to when I was grown and working my own, I finally treated myself to try lobster, and mmmmmmmmmmm! I would have bankrupted them!!
So fast forward again, and the whole family is out at a restaurant to celebrate grandma's birthday... I'm picking something on the low cost end, 'cause though I brought money to pay for my meal, it was likely my mom and her siblings were going to pick up the check, and finances were still very much an issue. So I order no appetizer, a cheap entree, and no alcoholic drinks just in case... now across the table, the waitress asks my VERY young cousin for his order... and he loudly declares he'll have the steak and lobster plate. *facepalm*\
My mom skipped but when called on it she always claimed she was full from "having to taste everything first" as kids we believed her, not realizing you didn't take a full serving to taste.
If you tasted the guilt then she did rub it in. Maybe not with words, but she made you feel it
I mean the simple act of knowing I have something and she doesn’t is what makes you feel that way. It’s the behavior itself. She was never mopey or weird about
It’s just a real martyr move.
A lot of „poor kids“ will have a lightbulb moment as young adults that their Mom in reality didn’t hate McDonald, Icecream, pizza, or that plain toast or rice and beans wasn’t in fact their absolute favorite food in the world. Your Mom probably didn’t mind, but as kids you of course didn‘t understand the mother instinct.
Ehhh no this wasn’t quite that.
It was that way when I was much younger but she’ll still do it to my stepdad and they’re very comfortable now.
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16d
Exactly. This wasn’t making sure we had a favourite on our birthdays so they went without, which is touching.
It was the random times when it was just unnecessary
Not at all. The parent or whoever genuinely prefers you enjoy the meal than they get some. Still feels shitty.
Yes, of course. Who wants a big helping of guilt with their dinner?
Kids aren’t all singularly self-centered. Even a toddler is often capable of empathy. Some are slower to develop, of course.
Happened to me too. Yes, I would rather have not gotten anything at all, even as a kid. It's not a good experience.
So why keep asking the one person providing, who is struggling financially, to get you something you KNOW they can't afford?
OP went and got their meals so they assumed he had it. He’s still gotta speak up when the funds aren’t there. If you can’t afford the dinner for everyone make something else
They may not “know they can’t afford it,” which is typically a matter of opinion. There isn’t only one possible way to budget an income, unless once your most basic living expenses are covered to truly have zero to spare. Add in the possibility of credit, and it gets even more difficult for every family member to be on the same page regarding what they can afford to have for dinner on any given day.
Reserving Hawaiian BBQ as a rare treat the whole family can enjoy is the answer, not making the meal hard for anyone to enjoy because they feel bad for you missing out.
For real. Supplement with house food. I usually do this because i don't like the sides at some restaurants, or just want a salad or something. For sure is cost effective.
For example I will buy a burger to go, and have salad and water as my sides.
Yeah . I don't understand how she can let him eat Ramen while she eats resturant stuff. Where two people eat , three can eat. I really really hope this is a fake story , I'm disgusted with the wife.
It's pretty obvious from the post that she wants him to eat, but he refuses and she can't make him.
Split the bbq, make a pot of rice to go with it.
I love rice. I eat it for midnite snacks
I always make extra.
Yeah. Shit put some chicken bullion an some corn an peas an you have veggies rice. I cant wit insensitive people bad behaviors should not be condoned.
Did she "let him" or did he just order without telling her he wasn't getting anything for himself and she assumed he was?
Let him? What is he, a kid?
If he is not eating the food, is she supposed to shovel it in his mouth?
Who said that wife/daughter don't offer any food to Mr "I am not important"?
Case in point, everyone take notice.
He may simply be someone who doesn’t prefer to use disposable income on a meal. Some people genuinely prefer not to spend the money, but recognize that their family members place a higher value on things like restaurant food, so are willing to indulge them.
She isn't letting him... she wants him to get food as well and he won't
Absolutly agree...and if u are having financial problems they shouldn't b asking
Truest statement ever. Went through hard times in the past with my wife and even though we were tired or wanted to eat out we had to buckle down and eat cheap at home. It’s just a reality.
Absolutly agree...and if u are having financial problems they shouldn't b asking
Does your wife know that you are having financial problems? I assume you were paying for this dinner, and not your wife paying (from her own money) for herself and daughter? If she does't know, why doesn't she know -- she may not have chosen to order food in. If this was a treat for them and you were wife not getting any, that's your choice, though they make questions. Alternatively, could whoever cooks most learn some ways of cooking Hawaiian style to cut the cost of ordering it in.
She knows. Usually it’s just me paying, we went halves this time. And yes cooking is the obvious option, but that’s a different story at this moment in time due to some other circumstances in our household. Thanks for the reply though!
cooking is the obvious option, but that’s a different story at this moment in time due to some other circumstances in our household
You're asking for advice while being deliberately vague.
You never know, OP could be battling decepticons that were masquerading as his kitchen appliances and right now they don't have any non-alien appliances.
That is now what I assume is happening.
This is the new movie. Transformers: Dark of the Kitchen.
He turned on the oven and accidentally wound up blowing a transformer. Giggidy
Ugh OP this is terrible. I hope you get your appliances back. :(
Or just moving
Decepticons or moving?
I know which I think is more likely.
Definitely decepticons.
We ate a lot of cereal and sandwiches when we were moving. Easy and cheap.
Oh, Mr. Fancy. When we were moving, we ate old chips we found between the sofa cushions and uncooked oatmeal flavored with sand, and we were glad to have it.
Man I hate when that happens.
That was my first thought
Oh my god you've solved my refrigerator problem. Decepticons won't make ice, but will freeze produce, right?
Right? And financial struggles means they also can't buy any non-alien appliances either.
Could be they don’t have a home to cook at. Could be they are remodeling and this is why they’ve lost all their money
He’s not asking for advice at all. Just a summary judgement.
If she knows, why would she be asking for a treat you guys "can't afford" right now? ESH then if this all the info we have to go on. You for not putting your foot down and saying no. Her for asking for this treat regardless of her knowing the money situation, then trying to make you feel like an AH.
I agree ESH but I think OP was guilting his wife by not eating .... Which is probably why she got upset ... If you read OP comment above he was asked about this and doesn't elaborate on the issue so could be he was making her feel bad by not eating ...
If you guys are having financial troubles right now ( which do not be embarrassed about, everyone is having financial troubles right now. Millions of people are getting laid off, inflation etc ) Then maybe if she is working too, the both of you can make Korean BBQ from home. There is so many YouTube videos that teach you how to make certain dishes. Develope a monlthy grocery budget. And make a meal plan for at least 2 weeks at a time. That way you can write the list of ingredients and only buy what you need. That's what I do. And I'll make 1 meal turn into 2 different ones. For example last night I made carnitas chimichangas with the left over carnitas, homemade refried beans, and homemade Mexican rice with some cheese. The night before that we had carnitas tacos. I put the pork in the crock pot to make the carnitas. Try to do things like that and that are easier dinners that are cooked in a crockpot etc. And ones you love too. Meals with rice and beans etc. And making food from scratch isn't that hard. It's just takes a bit longer, and it tastes better and is more healthier, plus you get a way bigger bag for your buck. Make sure you buy the bag of beans and not the can etc. You can make way more meals if you buy the bag because you have more to work with. Just work together as a family and you all can get through it.
What is this "we went halves" thing? Do you not share all funds? Could the financial situation not be as bad if you pooled all marital funds together?
I was wondering that too especially since they're married, not just dating. I thought the my money, your money thing stopped when you tied the knot 🤔
Married to your roommate deal
So if you can’t cook, then how else were you supposed to eat? I get that going out to eat is expensive. I get that one restaurant will cost way more than another.
But YOU had so many choices/options!
First, you should have talked to your wife BEFORE you bought anything.
Second, the two of you could have decided on a cheaper restaurant or even bought a different option from the Hawaiian place that had enough food to share.
Third, you could have bought smaller items from the Hawaiian restaurant and shared. Or even just a small side for yourself.
Fourth, you could have said NO to going out to eat all together and had cereal and milk or ramen.
But instead of dong any of these things. You don’t eat and play the martyr. Which just makes your wife feel bad.
Don’t get me wrong if you are having money problems, she shouldn’t have wanted take out, but YOU going along with it makes you complicit.
Thank you!! He wants it to look like he was so nice to ‘just eat a sandwich’ but its really so he can be the martyr and make the wife look/feel bad. That is why she is upset. Because he was trying to make her upset. Have a friend whose husband (now ex) did this. Its all manipulation.
She already knows they can’t afford it though. Is she not also an adult who can put her foot down and say no to eating out? If it makes her feel so badly, why not try other alternatives instead of getting mad he doesn’t get anything for himself? Both of them need to pull their heads out of their asses.
You can cook something with just a microwave, or a one ring camping stove. I've known people that cook everything they eat in a rice cooker. Even with no kitchen it's possible.
If you have money issues restaurant food is burning money.
You shouldn't be eating out if you have money troubles
I feel bad asking this, but I gotta. Why in the world are you ordering take out if you can’t afford to feed everyone?
Why would you feel bad asking?? They are purposefully spending money they don’t have
Spousal pressure is a hell of a thing... sounds like it wouldn't go well if he said "No"
Dude - 'going through financial problem'. No one eats out, all of you eat ramen. it is what it is
And ramen can be made fancy. Add an egg, some kewpie mayo, cheese and then rice in the leftover broth
Think there’s some dissonance between you and your wife’s ideas of your financial situation. If you think you can’t afford it but your wife thinks you can 😕
Why are you buying any bbq at all when finances are so bad?🤔
I suspect she's getting angry either because she think you're implying she's being greedy/wrong for wanting and eating the food, and/or because she doesn't like the image that "we're so poor we can't all afford for everyone to have some".
Have you asked her why she gets so mad?
I was thinking it was kind of a passive/aggressive move.
Me too. She obviously had no idea that he wouldn't be eating with them. She even paid for half of the meal.
Nobody sucks here BUT I get why your wife was upset. It makes it seem like she's greedy and that's deeply uncomfortable. Just sit down and work it out! How much you budget every month for takeout and don't waver from that. Food is a weird thing, it's more than eating it's a family thing that is pretty engrained in all of us. We all eat or no one eats.
In my opinion, she is being greedy. That’s why she feels that way.
More accurately, she isn’t being sensitive to the financial situation of the family. She should be forming a united front with OP in telling their daughter that they’re not getting delivery and that they’re cooking at home. Instead, she wants to keep indulging as if they had their old lifestyle.
He admits that due to "circumstances" they can't cook right now, and that she paid half for the order. They have separate finances, and he didn't tell her that he wouldn't be able to eat with them. How is that greedy? I'd be pissed too. Especially if we've already dug in and he comes back into the room with some ramen..
First of all, I just don’t see that this whole incident was a cause for anger on the wife’s part. It’s just such an unnecessary overreaction. Also, OP said that she was aware of the family’s financial struggles. So, she shouldn’t be trying to get Hawaiian barbecue takeout in the first place. I’ve never had it, personally, but I don’t have to have to know it’s got to be expensive. Barbecue places are the worst for jacking up prices. I’d rather wrestle and butcher a pig or cow myself than get barbecue takeout where I live. I’d have to get a bank loan first.
As for not being able to cook, you can still prepare meals at home even if can’t use the stove or don’t have one or whatever. You can get ingredients for salads and sandwiches at the grocery store. It’s heading towards summer and cold soups are nice in hot weather. These days, most grocery stores have prepared foods, so you can get a whole rotisserie chicken. Yes, it’s pricier than a raw chicken you’d cook for yourself but still a lot less expensive than ordering out. My point is that you can still fix meals at home if you’re willing to get creative. Fixing your own food at home is better for your health as well.
If she wants to go out when they're low on funds, she is greedy. If OP can eat a sandwich, so can she.
She is greedy.
NTA, one om my most cherished memories of my mom was her not eating her piecer of chicken at dinner and then divvying it up to the first kids who asked for it when we were young and hungry little wolves.
It never even dawned on me till I had my own kids that she wasn't dieting or not hungry, she was just quietly sacrificing for us.
I totally appreciate your comment, unfortunately I would feel a ton of guilt learning that later in life personally.
So, why would your own child not feel guilt knowing that you can’t afford to eat dinner with her? It’s kinda the same thing..
Exactly. I would too.
And you're doing that to your wife and kid right now.
Get something you can all share and prepare other food at home to supplement.
No one can enjoy it when you're clearly making yourself a martyr.
Well, my mom was still alive when I had this epiphany, so I was able to tell her and thank her.
Feeling guilt is ridiculous. I felt gratitude and respect and I felt loved. My mom sure wouldn't want us to feel guilty for being hungry children which is why I never even had a clue until I had my own ravenous kids. They hit those growth spurts and omg, it's like they are hollow.
I find telling people who feel guilty that their feelings are ridiculous usually doesn’t go over too well. Agreed children don’t need to know about adult problems that they can’t fix or help as it can be anxiety inducing, but I think OP and his wife need to get on the same page about paying for meals and finances
I personally would also feel like i was a greedy child if my mom didnt eat so i could have seconds.
I raised my son as a young single mother and was almost always broke. I often had to go hungry so my son could eat. I didn't do it because I was a martyr, I literally did not have enough to buy enough for both of us to eat. We hardly every went out to eat at that time, and I would always run out of food stamps by the middle of the month.
It would have been wrong for me to have my son not get enough to eat just so he didn't feel guilty. I always told him a little lie, such as I was going to eat later, or I had already eaten.
That’s why, when my kids were young and we were struggling, I would tell them I already ate my share while I was cooking it. That way, they could get full bellies without the side dish of guilt. ❤️
Your daughter is going to see you not eating and when she’s older she will clue in that’s what you’re doing now. And if she has your empathy, she will feel really bad that she got takeout while you didn’t eat.
You just described your daughter future.
That's why your wife is 'mad' at you. Taking them out while you don't eat yourself probably makes her feel guilty and uncomfortable. She might prefer it if you guys hadn't gone out at all.
Wasn’t the wife (and daughter) the one who asked for the take out food in the first place, when she knew about their financial difficulties?
Yeah, but she probably would still rather hear "we can't afford that right now" than OP not eating.
My mom did that two. I remeber going out to the sizzler as a kid with my brother and mom. We would eat and she would just nibble off of our plates
Same here. My parents didn't have much money. I especially remember that whenever I would eat a treat, he'd let me have my fill before finishing it up. To this day, I do this for my kids. We aren't poor, but if there's not much dessert left and they want it, I let them have it. I only eat if they are done.
My grandma always said she ate the wings off a roast chicken or turkey because they were her 'favorite'. Really, she was sacrificing for the rest of the family. (She was born in 1920, we're in the US).
When I was a kid in the '70s, it wasn't uncommon (in my family, and those I knew) for the kids to have hot dogs, spaghetti, or other 'kid-friendly' cheap food while parents ate later and dined on steak, or went out to eat. A rare treat for us was to get actual Swanson TV dinners when my parents went out (it wasn't often). Fast food? When we were road tripping to visit family for vacation.
The idea that the whole family needs to get restaurant fare, or no one does, is a relatively recent phenomenon, as is the entire 'dining out' culture whether that be high end restaurants, fast food, or something in between.
My parents would order a container of spare ribs after us kids went to bed but they would share it. I never knew this till I was older. I'm sure my parents sacrificed things so us 3 kids could have other things though..
Why is anyone in this family eating out when you clearly can't afford it?
Yah… if my husband did that I wouldn’t feel good too. Either we are all in or we are all out. I wouldn’t feel good eating a take out knowing my husband didn’t get any for himself due to financial struggles.
If the tables were flipped and your wife bought you Hawaiian BBQ while settling for a sandwich/ramen because she can’t afford it… wouldn’t it make you feel guilty as well?
A normal person would share some of their food, not get angry at the person making the sacrifice so that you can have something you want.
Exactly.
When you do that, it’s hard to enjoy BBQ served with a big side of guilt. You sure you aren’t trying to make a bit of a point? So at least partly or wholly coming from a good place and a valid concern but you need to enjoy life, make happy memories and don’t drag your loved ones down.
So I say NAH but you would be if you don’t smarten up after this post or if you are being passive aggressive.
If you want actual useful, applicable advice, you need to be less vague. The obvious answer is that if you can't afford to eat out, then you can't eat out. But you're very vague about why you apparently must. But baseline actions when money is tight - stop unnecessary spending. Like Hawaiian barbecue.
Sounds like you two really need to learn how to manage your money.
If one person in the family can’t eat just to afford eating out, you guys can’t afford eating out. NTA for not eating but your wife really should know better
yta
Sacrifices and austerity should be shared. Otherwise youre just making them feel bad
I agree with you. Sounds like the wife is not on the same page and needs to get on the same page before things get worse.
Fair enough, I see that perspective.
Yeah I echo this, it’s REALLY awkward to order nothing at all while your wife and kid chow down. My parents were frugal when I was little and we lived under the federal poverty line when I was in high school; I always asked my parents if i could order XYZ at a restaurant because I wanted to be considerate and I knew they would gently redirect me to something less expensive if it was out of the budget. IDK how old your daughter is (there’s a fine line between raising an empathetic kid and a neurotic kid) but you and your wife, at least, need to be discussing budget when ordering food during a particularly lean period.
hhhmmmm not sure what to vote on this, what you did reeks of passive aggression. I'd definitely need a lot more info to vote properly
NAH. Yeah id be annoyed if my husband got me something that he also wanted but only got it for me cause moneys tight. Ur not an asshole. Cause ur trying to do something nice for them at your own sacrifice but if you all cant eat out, dont eat out or personally i would have split it with my husband in this circonstance. The only acception is if i had a pregnancy craving and he got it for me but didnt feel like eating out at all, id still feel alittle bad but less. But if i asked why he didnt get any and he said “we dont have the money” id be alittle pissed that 1.they whyd you get it for me and 2. Then come here and share it cause that would make me feel guilty af.
She gets what she wants and feels bad when what she wants has consequences. That's empathic behaviour, which can be hard to find in this sub.
In this case I think the problem stems from communication. you should've made it clear that if you were getting Korean BBQ you would not eat any as you think it would be too expensive and that eating out is financially irresponsible in your current situation.
I wanted to go into detail about conversations you can have about this, but there are too many possible conversations to be had to get onto the same page as your partner, but that is what you would need to do. talk about this stuff with each other.
Your wife not wanting to burden your kid with the reality of the situation might have something to do with it, at least I can understand that it would.
Even the best food tastes like sand if I don't get to share it with my husband.
Soft YTA. I think your heart is in the right place, but most people wouldn't be able to enjoy a good meal if they knew someone they loved had to do without. She's telling you how it makes her feel, so listen.
Ramen shared is better than Hawaiian BBQ solo.
Then share it instead of getting angry at him? They can divide the 2 meals into 3 and then whoever is still hungry can eat a slice of bread. I thought that's common sense. ESH
But his wife should feel bad for ordering food for herself and their kid that they can’t afford and eating it in front of him.
THIS! I prefer to share one wing with my partner then a bucket by myself and make him watch. How would you just sit and eat knowing your partner won’t have anything?!
“well if you think we can afford it by all means, enjoy your extravagant dinner. Oh don’t mind me I’ll just be over here eating sawdust.”
YT passive-aggressive A
YTA. That info is something you share with your spouse. If the tables were reversed would you feel ok eating this food while your wife stayed hungry? Is the better option not to agree on a different meal? One where the whole family can participate.
NTA, but I personally would be petty the next time, everybody is eating a sandwich for dinner
NAH. it’s probably not anger at you specifically. It’s guilt presenting as anger. Perhaps you should just tell your wife and daughter that take out and restaurants have to be cut back. When you all go, you should all eat. It is awkward as hell to anticipate a yummy meal, and then see someone at the table who can’t or won’t enjoy it with you.
I know your hearts in the right place. But this is the wrong move. It's more complicated than you realize. You are injecting into your family life the belief that you are not worth as much as they are. This is a horrible thing to do to your subconscious self and it's not a healthy thing to do to your family. You are perfectly capable of telling them that you were trying to be a good person and doing that and you didn't mean to make them feel uncomfortable and now you realize that's not the right thing to do. So what you all can do is get two meals and split them three ways and then have some thing else like a salad or rice for when anybody is still hungry. and that way you model for your kid, high self regard and self-respect.
NTA. It's fine to sacrifice things for your family, and if you don't act like a martyr and rub it in their faces, then it's your choice entirely.
Weird that you don't just split the meal into three rather than two though.
You're being considerate but it's making your wife feel like an AH which is her problem. She got mad instead of being touched that her husband cares more about his wife and daughter's happiness than his own and that's wrong.
You're in a very sad position. I just hope it is not self-imposed. Start preparing restaurant -standard food at home. Kids will hate you but it's cheaper and healthier.
Why are you going out to eat/ordering take-out if you can't afford it?
You and your wife need to sit down and go through your finances together and figure out what is a need and what is a want.
It's nice to eat out once in a while but if money is tight you have to forgo that and eat at home.
ESH. Sounds like the two of you need to have a grown up conversation about your budget, and make a realistic plan to deal with the shortfall that you both can agree to.
YTA.
That's manipulative bullshit. Either you can afford the food for all of you, or you can't afford the food.
NTA cause it came from a loving place. However, I would be mad to. Cause my partner knows I would not be able to enjoy my food and just feel guilty the whole time. Kid get food regardless ofc, but maybe a shared portion for adults in the future?
My ex hub used to get our son and I take away sometimes but not get any for himself, and I hated it. He claimed he wasn't hungry, but that man always had an appetite. It just made me have an unhealthy relationship with food, coz I felt guilty eating treat food in front of him when he didn't have any himself. And also made me feel like I should be eating better, despite not often having treat food, him not indulging made me feel like he thought he was better than me at restraint. But we had a whole other layer of mind games he played, so that's why it messed with my head so much
Soft YTA, if you can’t afford 3 orders but you CAN afford 2 you divvy up the portions so all can enjoy some. If you can’t really afford 2 orders then you can’t afford it period and no one should be having BBQ!
You are being a martyr
Your wife is selfish. If my husband did this I would split my food with him. Sounds like wife and daughter are very entitled.
YTA. Even if you’re not “rubbing it in,” you’re still playing the martyr. If you truly cannot afford what they want, you need to tell them and discuss an alternative. Either don’t buy the price food at all, or buy less of it and share.
You shouldn't be buying takeout if you're having financial issues.
TBH if you are in financial difficulties at the present time then eating out becomes a luxury that you can I’ll afford. Be up front & honest and say no (which is an entire answer) and say when things ease or get better then you will buy a takeaway but for now get them to look up fake away meals which you can do at home.
I lived on a strict budget for over 6 years, to feed me the two dogs and a cat I had £100 a month. The boys had the cheapest dog food but they loved it, me I had pasta or something on toast, the occasional treat. No buying coffee when out nor lunches. Every couple of months I had enough saved for fish & chips which I used to eat over two days and still shared with the dogs.
It is tough, but better to be seen as economising than going bankrupt
It would be hard to enjoy a meal if you know your spouse is not eating the same. I’d hate it if every time I ate out and got something yummy, my husband was making a sandwich or whatever and doing without the yummy meal. I would not be able to enjoy my meal. I get your trying to be nice by getting her a nice dinner, but how can she enjoy it when you’re not getting anything?
Sit down and come up with a budget. Only eat out once you have enough that everyone can get their own meal.
NTA. She's angry because she's in denial about the finances or had a guilt problem. She should say thank you, or refuse the food if you all can't afford to eat.
I mean if y’all are going through financial issues maybe tell ungrateful wife no to take out?
The AH couldn’t even share with you? She sounds awful
Your wife is mad because she feels like TAH and she is putting it on you. She knows you are having financial issues but perhaps she doesn't quite see how bad it is? If you can still afford to buy Hawaiian BBQ for 2, why not 3? And by buying for them and not you she's thinking that she looks selfish and you look like the martyr?
I've been there before and understand the struggles of trying to stretch a dollar well past its limit. Occasionally, you need to treat yourself. You just need to know when the occasions are and when they aren't.
But no, you are NTAH.
NTA but if you can only afford 2/3 meals than no one should have them. Make meals at home until you get back on your feet financially. I'm sure she will really call you TA but too bad, so sad. She sounds entitled.
Apparently, they can't cook at home because of certain "circumstances".. which makes this much more complicated. Plus they split the price and he still didn't grab any for himself.
This is the most American problem ever.
For the entire rest of the planet Dinner is what's in the pantry and/or fridge, what was bought during the weekly shopping, what was grown or what's available.
Eating takeaway when you can't afford it is beyond stupid. It's irresponsible on every possible level.
To pander to their WANTs when there's a financial NEED to be frugal leads me to believe you need to reassess your entire life and what sort of comically ridiculous situation you are in.
Oh WOW! I could NEVER eat out knowing my husband would go without just to please me 💔 Why not share the serving and add a filler (those ramen noodles without the juice??) or some rice so everyone can enjoy some? Or better yet just pass all together since it seems like it’s not in the budget 🤷🏻♀️
You need to talk to your wife. Either you don't eat out until you can all afford to eat out, or she needs to not get upset about you not eating it. PERSONALLY, if we can't afford to all eat we either aren't getting it or I'm "not that hungry" and he's getting half of mine.
Also a weird thing to be upset about, thats particularly selfless of you.
“Financial problems” are going to mean different things to different people. One person’s comfortable is another’s scared shitless. You and your wife need to get on the same page in regards to money. If you don’t you may find these fights getting bigger and bigger. Maybe she is spending too much, and maybe you are holding on too tight. The important thing is to talk and make a plan with your money that you both agree on. If you find that the two of you have very different views on money and can’t agree you may need to bring in a third party like a counselor or respected friend (financials stable) to advise both of you.
Hawaiian BBQ with ramen for everyone? Mix and match.
NTA. Your wife should be touched by your generosity not angry. I suspect she's feeling guilty and is angry you made her feel that way.
Kinda YTA
If you guys can't afford to go out, don't go out. If it's some special occasion you and your wife discuss it and split your meal and your kid gets their full serving (don't deprive them of food). If they have left overs and are full you can have it.
Your wife prob hates watching you not eat as they eat. So TALK to her and say we don't have money for 3 meals.but of you and I share we can swing this
She gets mad because she feels guilty. Doesn't stop her from eating that bbq though.
yeah if someone has to eat ramen, we all eat ramen. ramen is easy to make tasty for cheap. add an egg or two, fry some onion and a carrot then add it. an extra 3 or 4 dollars and you've made a much better meal.
You know you can make Hawai'ian BBQ at home, right? Boston Butt it Pucnic shoulder is cheap, you rub it with sea salt, stick it in the crockpot with some liquid smoke and come back later to shred and remove the bones/fat/skin. Sautée some of the meat with cabbage and you have kalua pig and cabbage..... marinade chicken, steak or pork chops in teriyaki and grill. Serve any of the above with rice and macaroni salad and you have basic luau food.... the kalua pig will be plenty for multiple meals. You can freeze the meat once cooked and cooled and just prepare in a skillet with fresh cabbage another time.......
Why are you eating out if you can’t afford to eat yourself? It is cheaper to eat at home. They could had found this recipe online and made it themselves for cheaper and fed everyone in the household.
I honestly have no clue why anyone eats out considering the pricing on eating out in today’s world. Google recipes and make that crap yourself at home.
NTA But if you cannot afford to feed the three of you by ordering takeout than you takeout is not in your budget. Make this meal together at home so you all can eat. I understand that your wife and daughter wanted the takeout. I don’t know the age of your daughter, so she may not get the financial aspect right now. Your wife needs to, though. Plan meals together and your budget and do your cooking at home.
Do not live outside of your means.
Splurge on takeout only when you can afford it.
I have been here, there are two sides the side where you are right and it's just a stoic gesture. But then the other flip of the coin is eating out is supposed to be an enjoyable family experience and you can't afford to not have those either. Sometimes just eat the food man and enjoy it with your family it's not going to make ot break your situation and if that one meal is literally going to prevent you from paying bills then as a family you need to sit down and discuss it's not doable.
As someone who used to be very spiteful, it comes off as spiteful and I don’t think you can avoid that.
NTA. Did your wife or someone else call you an asshole for not eating sometimes etc?
Why is your wife insisting on eating Hawaiian barbecue when you can't afford it? There are some great recipes for Hawaiian barbecue to be made in a crockpot even if you lack a kitchen.
I thought at first that you were TA, but maybe your are modeling how you should be acting in these times. You should be eating what you can afford and that includes your wife and daughter.
NTA.
But id probably talk about not eating out at all at this point.
Hawaiian BBQ is a massive serving. Could they not share with you?
NTA this is a red flag about your wife's financial planning and dependability. As your financial partner she shouldn't be advocating for eating out either, and if she desperately needs Hawaiian food then she should be touched that you're giving it up for her, or she should share. She wants you to order too so she won't feel guilty about spending money when she should be tightening her belt. That's just throwing good money after bad!
It makes you seem like a martyr and that’s obnoxious. I know you mean well, but I hate things like this. If there’s no money for you, there’s no money for them. Plus Hawaiian bbq is easy to make at home.
ESH. Stop ordering food you can't afford. Buy a pork roast and make your own in a slow cooker so y'all have enough for multiple meals for less money.
I think it's OK once in a while to treat your family to some good food. Is it possible to order for 2 and share them among the 3 of you?
Why does she get mad? Does she not believe/agree you're having financial problems and feels you're being passive-aggressive? Does she feel like you're trying to make her feel bad that she doesn't sacrifice in the same way? Does she get angry at how this hurts you? Something else?
Because she feels guilty and prib wouldnt agree to go if she knew you wont eat. So tell her you have no money to feed you all with expensive food. Dont waste money on restaurant if you dont have them. Yta. To yourself and your familys fin situation
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17d
Pretty sure it was takeout...
Right-- "making a sandwich or ramen for myself." I was imagining him sitting at the table while they were eating and refusing to eat anything.
Even then-- put the two meals together and split three ways.
I'd like to know what their other options were for eating. If they are so broke they just shouldn't have gotten anything from a restaurant.
Exactly the ingredients to make it at home and have a couple of days of meals is far cheaper.
Yes. YTA. This comes off as passive aggressive. Looks like you are shaming your family for wanting a treat and you are too weak or rundown to let them know the situation. Why buy if you cannot afford it? Stop doing this. Yikes, I’m sure no one is enjoying tjose meals especially knowing you love the food they have while you settle for ramen.
Get take out when you can afford it for everyone and you can enjoy it together. Otherwise, don’t. Be real about finances with your family vs this manipulative passive aggressive crap.
YTA, if your wife isn't aware of your financial problems, then you need to tell her. If you can't afford to eat out as a whole family, then don't. If that was the case, both parents should of gone without or your wife could of shared too.
Why do you assume she doesn’t know?
If you can't afford to eat out as a whole family, then don't.
They can’t but he doesn’t want to deprive his family, you’ve never sacrificed anything for a loved one?
If that was the case, both parents should have gone without or your wife could have shared too.
So he is an AH because his wife didn’t/wouldn’t share? Wtf kind of logic is that? She would be the AH for not sharing with him, but he was fine with just having a sandwich and you think that makes him an AH?
NTA based on what you described. She just feels bad or guilty but she needs to accept that you can choose to eat something else. It would be unreasonable if she tried to force you to get it too.
Personally, I think you need to sit down with your wife and discuss your current finances and budget.
While I understand why you're doing this, it can make your wife feel guilty for having a nice meal. She also needs to understand that you can't afford to be getting take out until the finances are sorted out.
So me and my husband can be like this as money is currently tight.
Think about it this way… You wanted your wife and daughter to be happy so went without. How would you have felt if your wife had done that to you? Would you be able to enjoy your food whilst she sat there with nothing?
Think about being more open, sharing portions or even try cooking it in. I’ve started doing homemade Nando’s and my partner and daughter love it. It’s not perfect but it’s far far cheaper.
NTA but I think there's a way bigger problem here if she's flipping out on you for this.
NTA tbh your wife is TA if she knows you guys can’t afford this and still is requesting take out and then getting mad at your for sacrificing something you like so they can have more of it. Just out of curiosity, why is it that you can’t cook at home? Eating out is really expensive even for people not going through extreme hardship atm and would only contribute to your difficulties.
Really kindly YTA if you can’t afford it for everyone then don’t do it. Eating something special is a social thing for a family. You are actually making the experience a bad one by doing this. My mum would do this, “well it was expensive, you enjoy!” And my stepdad and I were like mmm delicious guilt and shame.
Yes, you are the AH
YTA - So if you can’t cook, then how else were you supposed to eat? I get that going out to eat is expensive. I get that one restaurant will cost way more than another.
But YOU had so many choices/options!
First, you should have talked to your wife BEFORE you bought anything.
Second, the two of you could have decided on a cheaper restaurant or even bought a different option from the Hawaiian place that had enough food to share.
Third, you could have bought smaller items from the Hawaiian restaurant and shared. Or even just a small side for yourself.
Fourth, you could have said NO to going out to eat all together and had cereal and milk or ramen.
But instead of dong any of these things. You don’t eat and play the martyr. Which just makes your wife feel bad.
Don’t get me wrong if you are having money problems, she shouldn’t have wanted take out, but YOU going along with it makes you complicit.
If Daughter and Wife are offering to share, but you refuse... you might as well be shoving it in their faces.
Because you did not describe what actually happened, you are the AH.
Also, if you are having financial issues, you shouldnt be wasting money on luxury food, no matter who likes what.
I don't understand people having money problems and still ordering food instead of cooking it.
ESH but you are a bigger AH then your wife
You don't have this kind of money. You want Hawaiian bbq, you cook it. You don't go out and buy it for your kid and your wife and then victimise yourself by eating ramen in front of them to let them know how selfless you are by letting them have the "good life" while you eat crap food. It's obnoxious.
Sometimes selfless acts are actually selfless. Are we really to the point where we assume that people that behave selflessly are being performative?
They probably aren’t performing, but they’re ignoring the fact that since the wife and daughter aren’t sociopaths, their enjoyment is impaired by empathy. They think having good food should make them mysteriously uncaring of their other family member.
Do not visibly go without “for the good of your family.” Even if you are genuinely in a position where you must go without so your children may eat, you need to figure out how to hide that.
If everyone can’t afford to eat at a restaurant then the whole family doesn’t eat at a restaurant. This is ridiculous that you are not eating there, and also a very sad memory to your kids.
Esh....I can't stand it when I want to eat out, and my bf is like eh nothing sounds good. I just won't get anything. Fuck you. Yes, you will. Lol. He's the same way when I do that. So we either don't eat out or we get something extra for later or something to share. Fucking some compromise. Now, if you straight can't afford it for one of you, you can't afford it for any of you.... you both suck. Get over it. Holy fuck. Sounds like it's a whole ass other problem, really, and this is just a surface argument.
ESH. Your wife for being upset. She knows you can’t afford it, so what did she propose?! Both of you are the AH for ordering takeout when you can’t afford it. You say you can’t cook without saying the reasons why, so that is weird too. Going hungry when bit of smart budgeting also makes you the AH to yourself.
So here are 3 options that you didn’t ask for but I’m offering as ideas.
Get cheaper takeout, like a pizza. Now everyone eats.
You can get prepared meals at grocery stores for slightly cheaper than take out. Now everyone eats.
You can get sandwich meats, cheese, bread, and a veggie tray from the grocery store. Yeah it’s boring, but no cooking, and everyone eats.
All these options will cost less than takeout, be a filling meal, and will not require cooking. The last 2 options could get you all the food groups, too.
Also you say you ate ramen or a sandwich in later, but you say you didn’t eat earlier. Which is it? Those are very different things.
Food is a shared experience. You may think you’re making them happy by giving them what they want. But that’s not what they wanted. They wanted to have a good time with you, sharing the same experience. I bet that’s why your wife is pissed off. That and miscommunication.
Family must understand when it's not time for special or expensive menu, and eat whatever is available, all together, otherwise where is the "family" concept?
If the whole family can't afford to eat when eating out, the family should not be eating out.