AITAH for telling my wife if she ran her mouth again about our daughter’s achievements to another couple whose son didn’t fair well, I will publicly call her out and embarrass her?

Sort of a reverse story: I've got a daughter who's a really high achiever. She got a Ph.D. in molecular biology from a really good school, then did a postdoctoral fellowship at the Harvard School of Public Health. We're all real proud of her.

I've got a very longtime friend with two very high achieving kids. He just could NOT STFU about it. One day he called and we were chatting. As usual he went on and on and ON about his two kids. How they both got accepted into a very prestigious school to study math. Etc.

After a while he asked about my daughter. I said "Well, on Wednesday we're going to University X where she's being awarded her Ph.D. in Molecular Biology. Then she's taking a couple of months off before moving to Boston to do a postdoctorate fellowship at the Harvard School of Public Health."

Long pause.

Then he says "DancesWithTrout, this is all news to me. You never said ANYTHING about her getting a Ph.D. Why didn't you say something before this?"

Another pause. Then

"Wait. I know why. It's because I never shut the hell up about how great MY kids were doing to ask about YOUR kids, right?"

We both had a good laugh about it.

I'm someone who used to be like your daughter while I was in school. My mother used to be like your wife.

It is exceedingly embarrassing to be put in the spotlight and scrutinized by people.

It is also extremely lonely when your peers alienate you because you're "too smart" or whatever.

Some achievements don't need to be publicized and you should just let them speak for themselves.

NTA

Your wife should stop using your daughter's achievements to gain status among her friends.

NTA, she can cry all she wants about it now, but she was being disgustingly cruel. A mean girl. Tell her to dry the crocodile tears.

Your wife is a bully, and the best anti-bully technique is for the cool kids to stand up to them on behalf of the weak.

Keep being a cool kid.

INFO What exactly went down when you "berated" her? Also what exactly were these "endless conversations" like? She would totally be the asshole if you specifically told her not to talk about the exam with the other mom, but she could have just genuinely been proud and a little socially unaware. You said yourself you don't normally talk to people like that so it's possible she didn't think she was doing anything wrong and then you blew up at her for what was seemingly nothing from her perspective.

Edit: OP's account has been suspended?

It sounds like she could definitely just be proud of her daughter and not socially conscious of it. She should stop doing what she’s doing but the way you talk about her here is really… weird. You sound like you fundamentally don’t see your wife as a virtuous person and you resent her for that. Saying to your spouse they shouldn’t “run their mouth” is strange language. It’s funny reading these comments from people demanding to see her head on a spike when this comes across much more like a “two sides to every story”-applicable post than many of the others that get posted here. The internet is fucked up, lol.

ESH. Your wife for being so oblivious, or perhaps even doing it on purpose to make the other parents feel bad; and you for seemingly itching to scold her like a child "Run your mouth"? "if you do that again I'll embarrass you"? Who talks like that about their wife. All you had to say was that it was rude and that you were trying to get her to stop.

Your language is as bad as her behaviour so maybe think about that and the fact that you don't have the high horse. Who talks about their spouse saying "run their mouth", she's not a yapping bulldog. The way you speak is really condescending like you think you're better than her. "I told her she needs to be called out." Why can't you talk like a normal person? Just explain why you thought that was lacking in tact and why it would make the others feel bad.

Every time a bully gets called out, an angel gets its wings. 2 angels of it's done publicly.

Honestly, ESH. Your wife for being a braggart and intentionally making someone uncomfortable to elevate your own daughter, especially when it was clear the other mother wasn’t liking the direction of the conversation, but you for speaking to anyone that way. Your words matter too, and you can’t condone someone for hurtful words and then turn around and do the same thing. She owes the other mother an apology and you owe her an apology.

A better approach would have been to say, "It made me really uncomfortable as you were telling so and so about how well our daughter did when their son didn't do very well". Say that and just let it hang out there. You're not her teacher or her parent. You can't live your life with her punishing and correcting. You are both grown ass adults. Just tell her how it made you feel and since she loves you, she's going to try and figure out how to avoid making you feel that.

I duno, I would never expect my friends not to talk about their child's achievements just because mine didn't do so well, I would be happy for them. Their is nithing wrong with your wife being proud of your child and asking her friends about their children while talking about her own. If it was an acquaintance and she already knew their kid didn't do well, then your wife was cruel and it was rude.

Esh: don't berate ppl. Learn to communicate effectively. 

INFO: when you say she was upset at the words you used, what words were those?

Everyone here is assuming the wife is doing it out of spite.

Some people are just so un-self aware and filled to the brim with wanting to praise their kids to the skies, yes it can come off as boastful arrogance.

And agreed, that needs to be checked but there’s a way to do it.

OP is an AH because of HOW he spoke to his wife, not for the underlying reason.

YTA, because of the way you said it. 'Running her mouth' isn't a nice way to speak about your wife. Especially to your wife.

But yes, if you know that a kid isn't good at something, it would be polite to not bring up the subject at all. And that includes bringing it up to brag about your own kid. No one likes a braggy pants.

I think it depends on what words you use to tell her off, oh and how you show your emotions. So we really need the details here, and also what is your relationship with your wife? If she saves your life by taking a bullet for you maybe like two months ago, I say cut her some slack. You don’t need to be too harsh on her, even though you have good intentions. Because by the end of the day, she is the one that will take your side no matter what.

ESH , she's an asshole for rubbing it in their face, but based on your own description, you're an absolute asshole for treating your wife like she's a kid.

I know it's clearly an unpopular opinion given the other comments, but treat your wife with respect and talk to her about it like adults instead of weird ultimatums.

YTA for your reaction

What, are you gonna spank her next?

What she did was genuinely shitty but the way you refer to her “running her mouth” and your admission that you “berated her” makes you no better in the least.

Both of you are assholes. Enjoy each other.

YTA only for the language used. If my spouse used those words with me I'd be livid. You don't talk any kind of way to the person you're supposed to love.

Gawd I'm pissed just thinking about it 😂. The way I'm spoken to is clearly important to me lol

“ ran her mouth again”. This alone makes you the AH

NTA. Your wife needs to learn to behave like a reasonable adult. The bragging needs to stop and I also just can't believe she started to cry just because you said that.

YTA for being that aggressive with your wife. You didn’t have to threaten her. She’s not your kid. She’s your partner. Next time explain to her the damage her behaviour can have and it was unnecessary to continue once she realised that the mother was uncomfortable.

So, are you afraid you’re going to hurt the feelings of those other kids and parents?

You aren’t the asshole. There is such a thing as being a sore winner same as being a sore loser. But stop(self admitting too) berating your wife.

Yes. Humiliating people is wrong. How do you think embarrassing your wife will help? Go get couples therapy

Yes you are. Just using the phrases “running her mouth” & “berating her when we got home” earns you top A marks!

yea. you both sound insufferable tbh

Berated? That’s stupid.

I am astonished by many of the reactions here and how many people will call somebody a "disgusting person" or a "bully" based on very little information.

She "deliberately" tried to make the couple feel bad? What do you even base that on?

I understand how her behavior makes you uncomfortable and you should probably talk about that, but berating her like this, even in private is quite a shitty response.

Usually when people feel the need to brag, there's some underlying issue. Maybe talk about that. People can also be a bit clueless socially. Give feedback about that.

"ran her mouth"? Ugh. YTA.

ESH. Ran her mouth again? I set the record straight? Really?

ESH (maybe). As others have said, your wife was being unkind. However, a lot of your language about your wife is disturbing. She "ran her mouth". You "berated her." Etc. You might be being shitty, too. 

NTA, your wife is a bully. She knows exactly what she is doing, people like her derive some sort of sick pleasure by "subtly" tearing down others to make herself feel superior.

Your wife sounds like she may have been overexcited and tone deaf as a result, but she’s just proud of her kid.

Are you?

This all reads sorta weird to me. Why are you so sure she “deliberately” tried to make the other couple feel bad? Why do you assume that? And why on earth do you treat your wife like a bad dog or a naughty child in private? YTA.

Do not embarrass your wife.

ESH for how you talked to your wife. She's not your child, you don't need to scold her, and it clearly upset her. There are people who just lack social awareness, and being an ass to them is not a good way of helping them being more considerate. To be clear, you were absolutely right for pointing out her behavior to her. It would just be much better to treat her with the same kind of empathy you want her to show to your friends.

No need to berate your wife on behalf of a stranger.

No one gets to tell a partner what to do but you can express how those actions make you feel. You're both adults and you joined the team ostensibly because you believed in them. Your wife has every right to make a fool of herself and alienate her friend. However, she is also alienating you. You have every right to tell her how it makes you feel. "I told you not to talk about that to her." Is a bad way of saying, "when you brag about our daughter to someone who will be hurt by that I feel embarrassed. You know that person is hurt by your words. You know it too and I feel ashamed to be near you while you do it. Please stop. I will leave the situation if you do it again because I don't want to be around someone who would do that" It's ok to set boundaries and even state consequences but you're not her father and she is not a child. You're not the ah for the hope that she would stop but you didn't try to fix it in a way that got through to her or she would have stopped

ESH. Would have been N T A if you hadn't, in your own words, berated your wife. That's a step too far.

Well no and yes. No as you stated the boundaries and hold her accountable. YES for berating her.

Now we as the audience cannot tell how you created her, however, the term berating has strong negative connotations attached it.

You’re both TA. Your wife sounds ridiculous and absolutely rude. I would never be friends with her and your friend group probably laughs behind her back and probably secretly hopes your kid fails BIG TIME. Not because of your kid, but because of how obnoxious your wife is about it. YTA because you could’ve approached it in a calmer, more adult like manner instead of berating her, like you said. She def needs a stern talking, but just be careful in the approach.

ESH.. she’s rude but why would you ‘berate’ her instead of having a normal conversation with your wife

You have the following vocabulary in your post: “if she ran her mouth again”, “I berated her”, “I set the record straight”, before your entire last paragraph.

It was rude of your wife to push that convo re the boy. It also sounds like YTA based on the way you feel so comfortable using sexist, controlling language like that.

ESH. the way OP describes the exchange as berating and glosses over his side with non samples is 🚩.

I agree that wife should have been more considerate but maybe she was trying to find silver linings for the other couple? Maybe by asking for their child’s ranking it would be a way to point out how close he was (which is rarely helpful yet could have best intentions.

But the if my partner ever spoke to me like OP did with threats that would be the end. That’s not a healthy nurturing relationship. That’s not marriage.

Your wife is no peach with this behavior but you as her partner teaching her a lesson through humiliation is not great either.

You shouldn’t talk to your wife like that. Maybe talk to her like a human.

ESH. im sure you could've made your point without berating her in a way that even you admit to not doing to others

NTA, your wife's an asshole and doesn't have friends. Just people who tolerate her. Like you.

You might be the AH - You said you “berated” your wife when you got home. Is that anyway to speak to someone you love?

I don’t think berating a partner is healthy at all and makes me question the bigger picture.

YTA. Ultimatums/threats aren't healthy in any relationship. I'm with you in that id be embarrassed and disappointed in my partners behavior if they were this kind of person. But if it's not enough to highlight that what they're doing shows a lack of empathy, then I'd just move on from that partner rather than threaten to control them. They're not your pet or a child for whom you can issue disciplinary action.

The proper action is A. Call her out when she does it and stand up for those being harmed or B. Be with someone who displays the character that you actually admire. That person will not be her if you've threatened her in order to look like she has changed. Public shame is not justified when this is not a public issue.

ESH

Your wife sucks for rubbing this in your friends faces.

You suck for berating your spouse.

You can let someone know their behavior is bad without berating them to the point of tears.