Yes, it does get easier, though there are kind of two parts to recovery: the physical part and the mental part and tbh while the physical part is uncomfortable, the mental part is way harder. I’d say it sounds like you’re physically recovering because you’re eating adequately but you aren’t mentally recovered.
Sure, you can stay that way forever, plenty of people do. But letting go of your ED mentally is one of the best feelings in the world and it’s way better than living in a quasi-recovered state.
I understand how triggering it can feel to see stretch marks when we’ve been told our whole lives how awful they are. I’ve had stretch marks since I was a kid. Got them during puberty and then got more during my various recoveries. And I want to gently remind you that stretch marks are super normal for literally everyone. You can basically get them anywhere that your skin stretches.
Remember that there’s nothing wrong with stretch marks or cellulite or scars or any marks on your body!
Alternative trip ideas:
-See if you can get an Airbnb in Leavenworth or woodinville and go wine tasting.
-Book a ferry to the San Juan’s and get a hotel out there.
-Make it a Seattle staycation with drinks, go to a dinner show at the pink door, do a drag brunch, go axe throwing, etc
-book a spa weekend at cedar brook or salish lodge
I dated someone who went on and on about how he preferred smaller bodies, which helped trigger my relapse a few years ago. He acted supportive of my recovery until I was in treatment and gaining weight and I realized dating him was killing me.
I’m not saying that’s what’s happening here because I don’t know you and your boyfriend. And it’s entirely possible that he said some dumb shit before but loves you and wants you to be healthy. But just know that no dude is worth ruining your life over!
Not too much! As a fellow active person, I aim for depending on what I’m doing. And that’s my maintenance plan, not my weight restoration plan.
Recovery requires a lot of food, there isn’t really a way around it.
Seconding this and adding that your brain needs sugar to survive, so it’s possible your brain is sending signals to your body asking for sugar asap.
If you want chocolate, eat some chocolate! Trying to fight your hunger will only make the urges stronger.
I counted calories for years after recovery because I didn’t trust myself to meet my minimums and “needed” to track to know. I decided to take a slow approach to cut back on counting calories.
I started by aiming to not count 3 meals per week then increased to 1 per day then not counting my snacks and eventually I just stopped. Part of it was learning to trust my body after so many years in recovery and part of it was realizing it’s an illusion of control I don’t need anymore.
It’s okay to start slow!!
A lot of these revolve around mindfulness or self reflection but: remembering how far you’ve come and that you’ll have to go through it again if you backslide, writing out why you’re recovering and hanging it up somewhere you can see, journaling, meditation, and exploring alternative hobbies to use up that brain space.
It’s hard to stop calorie counting but remember that calories don’t determine your worth. They’re literally a unit of energy, that’s it.
Hmm so I cut all my hair off when I was a kid and it grew back in curly. It wasn’t quite straight before but it was wavy and then it turned curly.
I’d wait and see how it keeps growing in. It might straighten out as it gets longer or it might not!
You’re basically in the trenches of recovery. Your body is going through a lot and it’s super normal to feel like your body isn’t your own during this stage. I can’t promise anything but for me, I started feeling more at home in my body once I weight restored and my side effects stopped (so after almost 6 months for me).
Before you run, you walk. Before you try loving your body, aim for body neutrality. That was how I started and now three years in, I love my body and it’s cellulite, the jiggles, the wrinkles, and all.
Hang in there. Be really kind to yourself now
Sorry to say this but no you are not the exception. I think we all feel that way. I know I did. When I entered treatment, I was like no way do I need this meal plan but I did! And it sucked! But it got better and so did I.
You are feeling good and energized because you’re eating food and nourishing your body. Why would you stop now? Cause restriction isn’t going to make you feel good and energized.
Yeah, recovery can be beautiful and amazing AND it can be gross and awful. I spent like 5 months dealing with bad acne, bloating, sweating, and mood swings. I felt like a slug for months. Your body is essentially doing a second puberty so it makes sense that everything goes haywire.
It does get better with time! I’m 3 years in and all of those symptoms are gone. Much like caterpillars turn into a pile of goo before turning into a butterfly, ED recovery gets gross before it gets better.
You’ve only been in recovery since January and you’re doing intuitive eating? Are you having reliable hunger cues? I only ask because I’ve been in recovery for 3 years and my RD didn’t have me attempt intuitive eating for over a year post weight restoration because it takes a long time for your body to heal and send hunger cues.
You’re still early in recovery so I’m not surprised the brain fog is still happening. It took me 6+ months before my brain fog went away (and I do sometimes still get it from other non-ED things).
Yeah I get that. I had the same thing during my last relapse. Unfortunately you can’t not eat so I had to force food in and usually once I got through the first 3 bites, it wasn’t as bad. And with consistency and time, that went away.
It’s part of why I think i gravitated towards the more palatable foods in early recovery. I ate a lot of donuts, pastry, and sugar cause it was so delicious (and still eat those things of course).
None of us can diagnose you. It could be a combo of executive dysfunction and maybe ARFID but your better bet would be seeing a therapist to talk through this.
I used to also want nothing to do with food. I hated shopping, cooking, and didn’t want to eat anything I cooked. I struggled to remember to eat regularly when I started living alone. All this landed me in treatment (combined with other issues feeding into my ED).
Now that I’m 3 years in and my anxiety and trauma are more managed, I find I genuinely enjoy trying new foods, going to restaurants, and buying new things at the grocery store. I do still dislike cooking but I’m working through it. And yeah, the cost of food sucks but I paid over $50K for treatment so buying groceries is cheaper in the long haul.
Again, I’d recommend finding a therapist or psychiatrist to see what support you can get!
For what it’s worth, my eating disorder made me a total bitch. Like I was so mean to literally everyone because my brain was starving and my body was begging for nutrition.
I don’t think you’re a bad person for feeling this way and it’s hard sharing a kitchen with people when you’re recovering! Could you set some boundaries or create a kitchen schedule for a bit while you’re healing?
Hmm. Okay a few things.
First, you can’t fail treatment. That is limiting and self judgmental language you don’t need right now. Sometimes we go to treatment and we’re not ready to recover and it takes another round or two or three. That’s not failure; that’s how deep eating disorders run sometimes.
Second, the treatment program is probably used to people being resistant. I willingly entered treatment fully ready and interested in recovery and even I fought back sometimes or didn’t want to do what they said. They won’t take it personally. Hopefully you’ll have a good team that supports you through those feelings.
Third, it’s okay to start treatment even if you still feel conflicted. Treatment should give you the skills and opportunity to explore what need your ED is serving and then identify new coping skills.
Be gentle with yourself. Get on the waitlist. Bring a picture of your kiddo to remind you why you’re doing this. Good luck!
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I felt similar when I was in treatment. By the end of my weight restoration, I was eating per day and was constantly nauseous, uncomfortable, etc.
It was such a relief to reach weight restoration and start dropping to maintenance.
That’s very odd re not letting you use supplement or peanut butter? When I was in treatment, we had to use supplement if we didn’t finish our food and they doused everything in peanut butter and Nutella. You’re at home, right? I don’t get the use of turkey instead of PB.
I hope things get better soon. This won’t last forever!
Agreed. I enjoyed the episode but it felt long. She added a LOT of context and background that could’ve been cut. The strength of the episode was her talking to Antoine and hearing from him directly.
Hey I’m so sorry to hear that. It sounds like a really shitty day. I hope you did something nice for yourself, like made a cup of tea or took a bath or whatever helps you feel better.
Lapses are so normal. It doesn’t have to turn into a full relapse either. Sometimes we just have a bad day or week and that’s okay. We’re human and life is hard. I’ve been in recovery for 3 years and I’ve had a few lapses and they’re scary but you can turn them around.
Focus on one meal or snack at a time. Be really gentle with yourself. Like when you’re sick and you stay home from school/work and take naps and eat soup, do the same level of care and kindness now.
As for the self harm and purging urges, don’t let a lapse ruin your progress. I’m self harm free for 6 years. Prior to that, I had a 3 year streak. It happens, it’s okay and it doesn’t make you a failure.
Hang in there
Ugh I’m sorry. Purging is one of the hardest behaviors to stop.
Something that helped my friend was calling friends or family at the end of meals and talking for a half hour or so. That usually distracted her through the worst of the gross full feeling and then she wouldn’t want to purge anymore.
There’s evidence that says riding out the first 30-40 minutes decreases the urge to purge so if you can schedule things right after meal times, maybe that will help?
Good luck!
Unfortunately 2 days of eating won’t undo potential kidney failure, BUT consistent eating and recovery will help. Hopefully you’ll be able to reverse the damage.
It always comes down to this: do you want to recover or do you want to die? Kidney failure sounds awful and painful. Recovery can be awful and painful too but it doesn’t last forever and you get to live your life, you know?
Probably. We can’t speak for everyone but for me, I stopped thinking about food once I weight restored and my hunger cues came back. I actually don’t even think about my ED or recovery some days anymore. I’ve been in recovery for 3 years and during my good times, I can go days without thinking about any of it.
Of course there are days or weeks where I’m struggling, like the last week or two, where it’s very present on my mind. But I trust it’ll go away as I continue to live in recovery.
Edit to add: I meant to say probably not!
I had a gradual relapse after almost 10 years in recovery and it landed me in treatment. I’m once again in recovery and have been for the last 3 years. Whenever I notice myself slipping up with behaviors, I have to make almost obnoxiously conscious decisions to go against it.
Recently I’ve been having a lot of life stress and I noticed I was waiting too long between meals so I started setting a timer every 2 hours to remember to eat. A few months ago I was going through a hard time and started skipping meals and had to go back on a meal plan.
Remember how much you’ve enjoyed recovery and tell your ED to kick rocks!
Yeah, dizziness when standing up can be common. It’s usually caused by orthostatic hypotension, or postural hypotension, which is a type of low blood pressure. When you stand up, gravity causes blood to pool in your legs for a short time, so your blood vessels narrow to prevent your blood pressure from dropping and ensure your brain gets enough oxygenated blood. If your blood vessels don't constrict properly, you might feel dizzy or lightheaded. This is usually mild and can be caused by dehydration or long periods of bed rest. However, chronic orthostatic hypotension could be a sign of a more serious problem and should be checked by a doctor.
What does it mean when you still get dizzy after recovery?
fuckeatingdisorders