This is all great advice. With emphasis on the cry-wolf for abuse, unfortunately. My uncle was lucky enough to have a text of his ex-wife (it was years ago and she was dumb and not at all versed in any kind of “tech”) stupidly admitting to falsifying her abuse claims, but when she first made them it was pretty scary, because knee-jerk is to believe women. And when a mother wants custody, esp one without a decent moral compass, I think crossing that line is absolutely not off the table, perhaps even up there are the top of the list.

YTA. You keep saying you “understand”…which I think it’s obvious is just your way of trying to make yourself out to be less of a horrible partner here…because you very obviously do not “understand” as you give barely any fcks, otherwise you’d be the one finding compromises instead of shooting down his ideas to find one down.

The only acceptable solution to you is him giving up his dream. Which is just so weird given all the “and I understand” fluff you added.

I hope you read a lot of these responses and take them to heart.

I can’t imagine the husband/father one must be if they don’t think their wife deserves support with a sick newborn.

This is her FIRST baby and she’s in prime postpartum recovery time, when PP anxieties are very high, something you’d only have knowledge and empathy about if you actually are/were a true co-parent to your children. Any loving parent knows that 3.5 months is still very young to be spiking a fever, and it’s very scary for a first time parent. My husband has come home from work of his own volition for MUCH less when our children were babies.

Mommy’s little quick surgery is not the crisis you want it to be. Not even close. Not with a boyfriend present the whole damn time. We all got cell phones. Call when it’s done.

I’d take a wild guess that someone is projecting their own momma’s boy tendencies onto this situation.

I had to have a talk like this with a former college roommate who did this often, and my final straw was when she had an absolute unhinged “FWB hook up” come into our shared home. She was drunk and screwed him loudly. Mkay nbd even though it was like a Tuesday at 1am, but then they got into some kind of argument turned altercation that was even louder than the sex. She told him to leave and he didn’t, so she locked her door and put her dresser against the door and turned on her music blaring, and so he got even more crazy and started banging on my other roommate’s door screaming her name (we had all met the guy once or twice), who luckily wasn’t home. He ended up punching a hole in her door and unlocking it and rummaging through her stuff trying to find her. I called the cops finally, but before they got there, he had started on my door, demanding that I opened it, threatening me etc, It was TERRIFYING. There’s no way to really know if these men are “FWB”s or random guys, or if they are decent men or insane violent creeps. And it’s just plain dangerous. I’d talk to her and ask her about setting some boundaries, and if it turns into an issue in her reception of your request, you need to find a new living situation. For real. Because as much as this world wants to normalize it, it’s not safe to bring rando men into to a home like that. Sorry not sorry.

That Summer by Garth Brooks! A grown ass widowed woman taking advantage of and seducing a teenage boy. Ick. The “watched her hands of leather turn to velvet at the touch” always bothered me too given the perceived age gap.

You think his mom (who legit neglected him for 12 years) having her boyfriend at her surgery and him, her grown son, at home with his sick infant and wife is “neglect”??? Are you him??! LOL

I was and still am conventionally attractive. Face and body. And I have noticed a lot more negative than positive. In college I was compared to Katherine Webb (this will age me, yes I’m in my early 30’s), and was even in a few print ads, nothing serious at all though as I look very girl-next-door, and I have an athletic/lean figure with a little curve here and there.

Anyways, I very rarely got hit on. Like, almost never. My girlfriends said it was because I was intimidating. It made me so damn insecure though forever. I wondered if maybe I had some crazy altered view of myself, like I thought I was more attractive than I really was. I watched all of my friends go through bf after bf and participate in hook-ups and dates and all that stuff, while I only had 2 guys—not even until college—ever ask me out to dinner. I remained a virgin (who’d never been kissed) until I started dating my husband, and the word on the street was it was because of my religion, but it was absolutely not, lol, I’ve joked that it was not my choice because I was very lonely and horny from like 15-22.

I also feel (based on what others have told me after getting to know me) that people have judged me very quickly based on my looks to be a “bitch”, when in reality I’m not. I’m not a wallflower by any means personality-wise, but I think I have a pretty good self-deprecating sense of humor and I’m a very empathetic person who often feels like an outsider in social settings. I minored in English and took many awesome classical lit classes, and my classmates usually took a few weeks to warm up to me, if ever, and I had a professor accuse me of plagiarism the second week of the semester based on zero evidence. He made me stay and do a timed write to prove my writing abilities. He apologized swiftly after reading it, and said he judged a book by its cover.

I also had a very hard time finding a corporate job out of college. I’d get pretty far in the process, usually to where it was down to me and one other, and I’d meet with an HR rep, usually a woman, and they’d always go with the other candidate without further explanation outside of that they were going to go with the other candidate. I graduated from a top university in my state, had great internships, and had extensive experience with public speaking…so while I realize it could’ve been due to lack of experience, or anything other than my image, I can’t help but wonder if the whole “I totally thought you were some cocky bitch when I first saw you!” had to do with it.

Luckily I’ve not been victim to any handsy or inappropriate shit from anyone, outside of a male coworker who randomly asked me to edit his extremely smutty short story. I do have a few attractive female friends who have been treated poorly at work by male coworkers, especially with innuendos and assertions.

I’m not saying pretty privilege doesn’t exist, but I think in order to “unlock” it you have to have a certain personality/charisma with it. Maybe. Idk. Whatever else is needed, I don’t have it lol.

Same could be said about you and your opinion that acting like he’s a bum is misguided…but after all, we are on Reddit, where someone is legitimately asking for opinions so, I think you may be the misguided one about where in the internet you are commenting lol.

A man’s duty to his own wife and children will always come before any duty to his parents. Otherwise, the parents did a piss poor job of raising him. He should live with his Mommy if he does not see that wife and sick child come before her (also she already had a bf there). We have phones now to update about surgeries.

That’s how it works in a successful marriage. Same to be said for the wife’s duties. Husband and children before parents and siblings.

NTA Oh myyyy. I had a hard time getting through this because I am so angry for you. No no no. Per my own religious and moral beliefs, when a man gets married, his wife and own family (ie children) take top priority. I frankly don’t care what’s going on with his parents unless mom or dad is on their literal death bed, if his baby is spiking a fever and his wife needs him, that comes first. Every time. That being said, I do think it escalated quickly…I think there should’ve been at least one other warning with not as dire of a consequence (divorce is pretty extreme) before it got to this point, BUT as a SAHM of toddlers and someone who battled gnarly PPD around the 3-4 month mark, I can’t say I wouldn’t have handled it the same exact way. Honestly even without PPD. The first year is hard AF and if you cannot rely on one another through it, it makes it a million times harder. Sorry you’re having to go through this. I hope that he realizes soon him not putting you nor his child first is a massive problem.

NTA Very strange behavior coming from a 5 year old about getting married…stuff like this is why I don’t find playing around about little kids having bfs/gfs as cute or funny, even when they have a stable home life, which your little sister obviously doesn’t. She’s not secure with her parents and she’s seeking any attention, even/especially negative kind as it garners even more of the focus on her, IMO. I feel very sad for your baby sister, and equally sad for you that you’ve been forced to play parent to your siblings. You should not be having to discipline your little sister, while she may end up realizing your sacrifices as an adult, she may spend her childhood and adolescence resenting you. You are a very good older sister and it’s very evident you have your family’s best interest at heart. Good luck in dealing with this.

You’re NTA but you’re very naive to think your wife deserves a second chance or even marriage counseling. She does not respect you. The silicone dick thing is pretty damn bad. She likely has much worse she’s done that you either will never find out or you’ll find out as time progresses.

NTA for communicating your feelings to your wife, but as a woman and mother, I made it very clear from the get-go that I would have full control over the naming of our children as our kids will be carrying my husband’s last name. Please consider this if your child and wife have your family name. It is my opinion that if they do, your wife deserves the final say on their first names.

In labor first baby. Had a reaction to the epidural, so they had to turn it off. Only one side took anyways, so I could feel everything 100% on that other side and the contractions were killer as it was go-time. They make you do a breathing thing in time with bearing down, and it’s difficult obviously to match what they want you to do when you’re in so much horrific pain. I was letting out some pretty guttural yells and Nurse Ratchett the Boomer next to me (who already said some bullshit) goes, “ohhhh shush, it’s not that bad, my lord”.

Oh my gosh, I remember one time in hs I brought in one of my cosmo mags…it was December and there was usually a sex advice/tips section so obviously us 16-17 yo girls would skip right to it for read-aloud time at the lunch table…I swear I remember one bullet point advising to get festive by stringing popcorn the Christmas tree and for his “tree” lol We were so confused

NTA But I don’t understand what’s confusing about him cursing at you and speaking to you like you’re a dog… You should’ve hung up the phone when you heard him say “wtf does she want”. I’m glad you have enough self-worth to not forgive him the day after but girl, you should’ve shut that boy down quick instead of whimpering in confusion at his very clear bullshit. If you were my friend, I’d advise you that he’s just not that into you.

NTA. She sounds like she has no self-control. What a scene. No qualms screaming at her girlfriend’s pregnant and sick sister while her 4 yo is there…your sis sure picked a good one 🥴

NTA Your husband is likely not a decent man. This is a gross thing to do to your niece, and very disrespectful to you and your marriage. It’s one thing (and normal imo) for men to see a random woman and maybe verbally appreciate their beauty/attractiveness to a friend (as long as the comment is respectful), but to seek out and sexualize an image of their wife’s young niece is sicko stuff. Yuck. I’d confront him and discuss, but I’d have a hard time forgetting that. Might be a marriage-ender.

Oh I do hope men would give women like this a shot. Sometimes it’s not on purpose, lol. I was 23 before I was kissed and before I lost my virginity. I ended up marrying the guy (8 yrs 2 babies!). He was very experienced so I was so nervous to tell him about my complete and utter lack thereof, but when I did, he just smiled and said it was okay, and that he was okay doing whatever I felt comfortable with…(I wanted to jump his bones). I was not at all an ogre either, I was and still am an attractive and very fit woman, I was just never pursued by many guys so the opportunity never arose. (My girlfriends told me it was because my looks were intimidating/I had a little RBF).

So anyways don’t assume it’s on purpose is my point! We don’t have men flying at us, contrary to every dude’s belief, especially nowadays with the dating scene being so narrowed from lack of in-person socialization opportunities.

What the absolute fuck. Is it just me or does this woman seem to not understand the gravity of the violence one of her children committed against the other??? A gang rape on a teenage sibling!? I am a mother and there’s no way in hell I could type that shit out in that almost docile-voiced recollection…Maya’s ass would be in jail, she wouldn’t get a dime. This is not a “I’m not speaking to her” or she just “ended up” in the house situation…this is a you will suffer the consequence of your disgusting actions for the rest of your life situation. Also I don’t even know how you raise a kid who could commit something like that against any other human, let alone their baby sister. Wow.

I have a gender reversal situation. I was borderline obsessed with my now husband for almost 2 years before we dated 🥴. We had mutual friends and saw each other out and about a lot. He was a total ladies man around campus, built like a blonde-haired Greek god. I was a babe myself but deemed “untouchable” thanks to severe RBF, an intimidating sense of humor, and an older brother who was physically large and known to be a little aggressive. I seriously pined after him for such a long time. If I didn’t cross paths with him out at the bars when we’d all go out, I’d mope about it for hours afterwards😅 Anyways, as soon as word got to him that I was interested (thanks to a sneaky friend of mine who was tired of my BS) he asked me out and we started dating. 8 years and 2 kids and we are going extremely strong. Do wished the roles were swapped a bit, just for my ego😅

Ahhhh I see. Thanks! New to being “active” on Reddit and it’s hard to comb through and find the op replies.

Very specific compliments.

NTA This is so sad. I’m 32F with 2 kids and I cannot even fathom the plotting it would take to organize something like this. With kids and a job, I don’t have more than an hour to myself, let alone the time it would take to scheme this sht. Where did she meet this man? Did I miss that update? I don’t care what turmoil or issues she may be going through, THIS very well thought-out rendezvous was the lowest of the low. Talk to your spouses!!! If you fell out of love, GTFO before screwing Tony Soprano and scorning the father of your freaking children like this

This is deeply unsettling! The gaslighting after has my jaw on the floor. What a horrific violation…I cannot imagine being friends with so many people who had the wherewithal to even plot that out…so sick. Seems like a horror movie subplot. Poor OP.

Most men in my life; husband, dad, brothers…Many friends/acquaintances as well. The man vs bear argument is very icky to me, as I’d choose man without hesitation. Most women (sweeping statement but I stand by it) that I personally know who have been entangled with shitty men seem to always find themselves entangled with shitty men…really important to make sure it’s not a “hmm let me see if I’m surrounding myself with decent humans” problem and not a “all men suck” problem.