NTA, but heres WHY you gotta tell your Dad whats happening.

Your Dad right is only Ok with ya'lls 'dynamic', because he thinks it makes you happy as well.

If he learns your not only Not happy, but keep being put in an uncomfortable spot he'll immediately want to remedy that. How he remedies it well thats on the adults in this situation not you.

If your Dad and Sam split cuz your Dad chooses that Sams actions are unforgivable? Then thats Dad being a good Dad to his kid. Prioritizing his child like he should.

I can tell you you want your Dad happy Op, but when he learns how tough of a spot your in hes going to realize hes got some choices to make.

His relationship with you is more important than any other relationship. As a parent myself trust me when I say, "your dad would be more miserable to find out 10 yrs from now this has always been an issue n he 'let' it happen. Vs. Nipping this in the butt now."

Your not ruining anyones happiness by being honest with your Dad. Just goes to show how much he Loves you! And if this reddit thread has taught me anything its that unfortunately many adults put their own needs (like romance or adult relationships) over what their kids need. Wich is wrong.

Your Dad's got your back. Now you can have his by being honest with him. It will be better in the long run for everyone. Best of Luck Op.

I lost my job and became disabled in the course of a year. relying on one income has been a MAJOR factor as to why I myself havent found splitsville yet.

Im sorry your going through it. Sometimes we dont learn certain things till they happen to us. Thats ok, thats life.

Now you know your worth contentment and respect in life. Youve realized you need out for you and your kids. Thats an amazing start. Next step, small bits at a time.

Everyone's 'time frame' to getting their ducks in a row? Is different for any of us. If you can start stashing money away. Even little bits at a time, whether its in a jar in a secret spot or in an acfount he cant access, cashapp, whatever. Anything works.

Start doing research. Whats the best path to start? Are you reaching out to family or a friend till you got some $ to make choices. Are there programs or DV groups on your area who can help guide you? Usually groups or organizations local to you are versed in your states laws and can help you navigate.

Whatever might help, start visiting food banks to supplement grocery $ so you CAN actually stash small bits away.

Your not alone. My own story is a little silly. Ive even had my own family members try to tell me im overreacting cuz "he hasnt touch you or cheated". Abuse comes in many forms.

Lastly Op, as a women whos spent a decade+ trying to figure this life crap out. Please dont give up. For the kids? Ya ofcourse, we gotta. But for YOU too!! You deserve fulfillment in life. Its gona take time, but like I said start small. I wish you nothing but love

This is the comment I was hoping to see. You said it yourself, ya'll had a good relationship before she moved in.

She moved in, your relationship with SS has now tanked. Screaming matches dont work, temporary fixes arent helping. Yoour husband says, "SS is the one that's gona suffer.."

Whos fault is THAT then? Its Mil. If husband actually cares about SS growing into a decent human being he'll send his Mom packing. Ya'll cant live like this anymore its not fair to anyone.

And when someone (you & hubs) open the door of your home to people (Mil) and they stomp disrespect all over the home? Its gotta stop. Mil Will Not Change. So unfortunately seems its time to make the big calls.

Mil finds somewhere else to go or you gotta do what you gotta do for you and all the kiddos, period whatever that may be. Im just a stranger on the internet and I may seem harsh.

But you said your at your breaking point. At this pace SS is going to turn into a kid no one wants to hang with. Mil will coddle him n enable his learned, crap behavior. Shes going to isolate him from the world. And hes gona believe Mil when she says its, "Not your fault SS, its everyone elses for not understanding you".

Time to Nip this in the bud Op. I wish you the best of luck. Nta

Dont let yourself make excuses for him.

I promise if he wanted you both to have a good time he wouldve made that happen with you.

He chose not too. He chose to not have a good time WITH you, together. Period.

Believe him when its clear this is the choice he will make always, even in the future with age, kids, whatever.

I know reddit is quick to SplitsVille, but truly think about, "am I ok with being disappointed like this all the time?"

Nta. But time to think on some stuff

As someone with psoriasis who enjoys cannabis, my gut says its not an eczema flare up at all.

It sounds like hes actually allergic to smoking, wich can absolutely happen. If he really wants relief hes gona have to start doing some research, trying different products and learning bout his own body. And possibly stop ingesting cannabis altogether.

With that being said, i agree with others here.

Its his body, hes a grown a** adult, and if he wants to keep smoking and scratching, well thats his choice 🤷‍♀️

But you are allowed to choose wether you want to live with that or not.

You seem more angry than anything. Wich your allowed to be mad. You got your world flipped upside down.

Take some deep breaths, give custody over to the living dads family, wipe your hands then walk away. Simple as that.

DONT put that kid into the system out of spite. That does nothing to 'get them back' for being cheaters, your ex n ex friend.

Your allowed to be upset but try to be a good person too.

Doesnt matter if the cheaters 'wanted her or not', shes here. She exists and she needs the chance to be with people who are gona love her. Ya start with her parents family. They can handle it from then on.

If i smelled my kids dirty tshirts after a long day let alone chonies, Id die from exposure 😅 little kid BO absolutely exists

As a parent? This story is mortifying and Ive been thoroughly scared mentally 😐

Right back at ya my dear!

When our times come they're going to be epic.

We've definitely earned the peace. Thanks for your kindness, this really helped today.

I was looking for this comment cuz I agree. Hes unhappy and wants out but wont pull the plug himself. He wants Op to do it.

Im a broken record bout my current marriage situation. And let me just say this.

My spouse? Has looked me dead in the eyes n said, "unless you cheat, Ill never leave. Ill never initiate a divorce. If you want out YOU have to do that on your own."

Hes not fibbing either. Our past 5 yrs? Have been hell for me. We basically live with me in a constant state of frustration, resentment & exasperation. Him? Blissfully ignorant to everything despite years of talking it out, me threatening divorce, couples counseling, etc. Even friends trying to help.

Im sorry for Op but shes gona have to make the final calls on this one. Other half will just sit n stew.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

*edited to add: Why Im still stuck? Finances and health stuff. Gotta be all good 1st then we can skeddadle.

I also didn't know, but i did a little dive

She is from the newer Tinkerbell movies. Disney Fairies

Her name is Silvermist. New fun fact unlocked 🔓

Usually Im here for the 'petty' in people. NTA

But something in my gut tells me hes not gona care who you sleep with Op. Im sorry your hurting.

He shattered your whole world. Everything crashed because he couldnt be committed and that is a load of garbage. You dont deserve that.

But my gut is telling me that A, not only will your 'getting back at him by sleeping with his friend' probably NOT bother him as bad as you think. B, i think youll end up hurting yourself more by doing so.

Im not gona spend paragraphs going into detail n psychological mumbo jumbo. But I just.. i duno as a woman in her 30s whos done with a crap marriage herself. Been cheated on, lied to n smacked around. I feel like your 'revenge plan' wont hit the way you think it will.

Personally the best revenge is to better yourself. Moving on, living your best life n when the 2 imbeciles see your pics on Instagram of you being fabulous and free they'll sit n stew. And THAT my dear is the best revenge.

In the long run, you do you boo. I wish you the best. Go live your best life.

Hes 4 and doesnt understand but when the kids at school/playground/anywhere start to pick on him for that nick name than the only a**hole is goiny to be you.

Take your newly established co-parenting relationship OUT of the equation and just think about the repercussions of that nickename.

YTA but mainly because your digging your heels in out ofnanger towords your Ex. And forgetting about the over-all outcome of a nickname like that to your kid.

Hey Op this kinda of crap starts small but gets worse.

Its never ok for anyone to treat another person like that.

Lets say he walked into a bakery, took the cakes out of the fridge n tossed them. Then looked at the baker n said, "Im saving your customers from sugary snacks."

That would be absurd right? Like, its a story that would explode because its sl ridiculous.

Understand this behavior is not normal. It does unfortunately come from a place of control. He can say he 'means well' all he wants but his actions are NOT coming from a place of love.

They are coming from him thinking he knows how to live your life better than you do.

NTA, but Im a tad worried your under reacting to this one.

Kimchi An egg Crisped up spam pieces

Im sorry hun, but you've already lost him.

Save and protect yourself. Start grieving the relationship now, get yourself ready and detach.

I truly wish you the best of luck. I know reddit is always quick to say split/divorce/breakup.

But as an Ex-Evangelical who was raised by a Christian nationalist family, once a person reaches a certain level in their beliefs. They're usually too far gone and will only get angrier and more aggressive with their views.

Please stay safe.

Theres a difference between 'wanting better for your kids' and not dealing with your own trauma so your family unit can have healthy bonds.

NAH, hear me out

You were a couple before the kids came along, right? Well, you STILL have to nurture that relationship. You said you have small kids under 5 but didnt say how many.

Thats a LOT of a toll on not just you but your husband too, especially since you say you both work a lot. It seems the main issue here is; you refuse to work past your own nightime trauma. Hence, your hindering that being healthy between you & your own kids.

I obviously dont know the extent of what you went through. But you have to work on this activley so you can have time away from your own kids AT NIGHT without loosing your mind. Sounds like you need professional help my dear, and theres nothing wrong with that.

But lets say, hypothetical. Your trauma comes from you being home alone way too young cuz your parents worked (again, hypothetical). So to make up for that, you dont ever leave your kids without their parent's at night, ever. That will only create a new trauma for your kids now, not fix your own or prevent creating any trauma period.

If you really care for your marriage and your spouse you'll head our warnings. As the spouse to someone who literally stopped caring the moment we said "I do"? Once its over mentally on one side there is NO fixing it. Please, please PLEASE seek some help. Sit your spouse down and explain you didnt really see how bad it was till you got outside perspective. Try to work on this. Hear his side too.

Cuz unless you reveal some extremely damning evidence that your husband is a monster of some sort, i dont see any reason you cant try to remember and activley work on your marriage.

Plus, it is beneficial for your kids to have overnights with others (as long as they are safe people). My kiddo LOVEs his overnights with Grama & Grampa. And its a life saver.

Best of luck Op. Edited cuz I saw your other posts*

You have an Au Pair?! Do you still employ her? Is she ok for you to leave your kids with? Whats the story there? 🤔

When people show you who they really are, believe them. Not just about your spouse but about your In-laws as well.

Is that really what you want to raise a family around?

Now is THE best time to make big decisions before any kids do get involved one day.

NTA. But Op this isnt a minor miscommunication. This isnt a misunderstanding. This isnt 'me not trying to cause confrontation with my mom' (said by your spouse).

These are major issues that arent ok, arent respectful or tolerable. You really need to take some time and think long and hard about this.

I wish you the best my dear. I send you hugs and if you were around Id feed ya something comforting. I am so sorry.

If you ever need any insight or just some validation that your frelings are justified, hit me up

I was 24 yrs old and 5 months pregnant when I got diagnosed autistic.

One of my biggest things is my kids stims? Are my triggers.

Its easy for outsiders to say, "Oh your the adult get over it."

Yeah well, their brains arent WIRED in a way that 'being the bigger person' isnt always a choice but rather a symptom to manage.

Like, ill grit my teeth and bare it. But im gona be tired, exhausted n slightly miserable afterwards. Your not alone Op. Anyone whos quick to discredit are either small sminded people who are unwilling to learn. Or they have felt similar frustrations, but get shamed for it. So they're quick to shame others.

I dont understand this, I wouldnt use the stall without a door even if Im not on my period? NTA

Who in their right mind would unless it was the ONLY option. Wich, it wasnt.

Sorry, i could be crying over a deceased family member and I wouldnt be in the bathroom hogging a stall. Id probably be anywhere else.

Why does anyone need a justifiable reason to not use a PUBLIC potty with no door or privacy?

Its your body, your life, your bills, your home, your relationships, your memories. Your breath to breathe.

I am sick and tired of people drilling their own ideals into others.

"I wish i hadnt gotten a tubal libation". Sorry Linda, thats a you problem. And telling me or anyone else about your regrets? Isnt going to magically make you feel better for making the choices YOU made (talking bout colleague here).

Most of the time when people say that stuff they're projecting. They either have regrets or want to live vicariously through others for whatever reason. Wich in itself is wild to me.

People are allowed to have hurts, regrets or be sad of missed opportunities. But their 'lack' of anything isnt enough of a reason to tell others how they should live their lives. Period. 🙌

Parent here! Dont do it Op. I LOVE my kiddo, we do have a lot of fun. However, i was raised with a false sense of reality.

And when parenthood finally did happen? I was SHOOKETH to say the least.

I got a couple best friends, they're engaged. Once upon a time they used to talk big game about being parents, wanting X amount of kids. Wanting to, "keep trying till we got our 2 (insert gender here)"

Over the years Ive noticed they dont ever talk about kids anymore. After a decade of us missing vacations, cancelled plans, head lice, poop smeared nurseries, judgmental strangers while we shop, judgmental family who love to judge but dont offer to help, etc. Recently my bestie was very clear, "I love actually usuing my PTO and having experiences. Being able to do things last minute and enjoying ME time."

We live in a high cost of living area, so kids almost always mean your screwed unless both parents are high earners.

Its my own fault for not knowing better before hand. I was freshly homeless, had lost multiple people to sickness, and my own partner lied to me. 🤷‍♀️

Trust your gut, get your procedures done, take care of yourself. And as much as its not fair? People like your colleague dont need to know full details. Especially if they're gona be judgmental.

To them, "You'll change your mind" is harmless.

In reality that phrase means, "I know better than you about YOUR own body & mind, Im right your wrong." Wich is disrespectful and rude.

Sorry its long, this struck a nerve. Im 1st to stand for people who dont want to be parents every time.

I grew up in LA. NTA!!!!

She wont legally be allowed to get rooms or hostel lodgings. The govt here does NOT care about the wellbeing of tourists who put themselves in bad situations.

All the places shes thinking of? Grifith observatory, Hollywood blvd and Rodeo dr are all hard to get too, expensive and full of scammers.

To spend 5 days in LA comfortably, safely & contently? Costs a couple thousand, easy.

I grew up not to far from Compton.

If she REALLY want to go that bad she needs to go with a cousin or family member whos 25 or older cuz public transportation is NOT reliable like it is out there.

She'll get stranded in skid row, not even know it and end up in a bad situation.

I live in Southern California and IM trying to scare her from making such a bad decision. If she wants to visit? Cool, please do. But she HAS to do it right.

So many tourists are quick to think we all just 'have it made' in Souther California. Take it from someone who spent their highschool years on n off the streets.

Shes putrint herself in a LOT of danger if she does this the way she was originally planning. Best of luck Op, keep us updated.

Its going to hurt but its time to live on your own.

He wont change, it will only get worse. She didnt care about your feelings obviously.

And any 'friends' who try to get you to tolerate such vile behavior? Arent actually good friends. Just people in your life you can afford to not know anymore.

I read your comments. Im sorry you have no family and a frustrating past.

This is your chance to NOT continue on the journey of hurt and darkness. This is your chance to learn from this, find your confidence over time & love and enjoy life on your own.

Your chosen family and proper friends will find you as life goes on. You have a lot of time ahead of you to find actual contentment and happiness. And not just settle for what your used too.

Op will it be hard? Absolutely. But do a little reading if you can. When an abusive or manipulative partner tells you "Im gona k*** myself if you leave.." 90%+ of the time its not true. Its a tactic people like that use to get you to stay out of guilt. Wich is NOT normal, Ok or acceptable.

Take it from someone whos been there done that. I believed that a*hat for a long time only to find he cheated *MORE after i took him back 🙄

Yes it will be hard. But the only thing you owe to anyone? Is you to yourself. You deserve to know what a healthy, happy relationship and friendships look like. When you do find the right people? They stay lifelong and its amazing. Its worth the wait inbetween i promise 🙏

Best of luck Op.

Im gona sound like a broken record here, but here we go.

Break it off now. As someone whos spent years being married to a person who says that kind of stuff, believe him since he's shown you who he is.

I dont know if its a power flex? Or if they really think thats an appropriate thing to say but it only gets worse.

10+ yrs together, married for 9. Months ago after flesh eating disease almost took me out we had a long conversation. Started with me expressing how much I fell for him when we were young. Ya know what my spouse said to me after i ask, 'When did you fall for me?'

He said, "I duno, I didnt pursue you. You pursued me. I wouldve been fine doing my own thing but you pursued me so I just kinda, went along. In fact, now that I think about it, all the women Ive been with have all pursued me.. I havent gone out of my way to pursue any of them? 🤔"

And the way he said it he was almost proud of himself. I honestly just started to cry and he got upset at me. Not understanding why I would be upset with what he said.

Splitsville is definitely our future. I just gotta play my cards right 1st.

Dont let yourself be shattered Op, its not worth it.

Ive been a Cook for 15 years, Im in my 30s so thats half my life. Ive tried to climb up the corporate ladder. Ive rubbed my nose where I didnt want to to appease bosses and higher ups.

Ive gone months at a time giving up days off and picking up other peoples shifts.

Ive missed Holidays with my kids with NO fights just to make the company happy.

Ive worked my buns off for a LONG time for what? For nothing. To be told I shouldve tried harder.

Like ruining my body & spine, my mental health & friendships over the years for the sake of my job wasnt trying hard enough?

I have fed 10s of THOUSANDS of people over the years if not more. One place I worked averaged $30,000+ in sales on a random Tuesday. I loved every place Ive worked. Ive always given my all.

But when push comes to shove it never actually mattered to anyone but me. But the people across the street look me dead in my eyes and say, "Anyone can make a sandwich, why do YOU deserve more than minimum wage?"

The humanity is lost on people. People hate the idea of kitchen workers & customer service peolle making living wages. But they're the same ones who bang on closed doors demanding the fast food shop open when they arrive, NOT at 11am like posted onnthe door.

Ive literally had ranch thrown at my face for telling a customer to, "Dont grab my cashier, thats assault. You cant just grab her shirt over the counter." Over a side salad & a slice of pizza.

I hate it here. 🫠 sorry, long rant. This one struck a cord...