I want to share about what it has been like working the steps.
I first came to OA 20 years ago. I was isolated and miserable and blamed everyone around me for my unhappiness. Granted some hard things had happened to me, but I was stuck in a groove of being fixated on how I was done wrong.
My first sponsor told me to do the steps however seemed best to me, that he didn’t care how I did them, only that I did them. So I read through the OA 12 and 12 and just kind of thought about them, if that makes sense.
He also had me write a list of names of the people that angered me the most. Then he told me to write out what they did that made me angry and- most importantly- what was the fear underlying the resentment.
What came up over and over again was how afraid I was that I couldn’t take care of myself. For example, I resented a cousin who had a great job. After reflecting on it I realized that at the heart of it I was afraid that I would never get a great job and be able to take care of myself.
The second time I went through the steps I did inventory through the OA HOW program. In their step guide, the 4th step inventory is a list of 173 questions broken down into childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. A compassionate lovely lady sat with me for quite a few hours before the meeting started every week to listen to my writing. I released barrels and truckloads of shame by reading my writing out load.
The third time I went through the steps, I did a Hyannis format Big Book step study. This process had me go through the steps as they’re laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. In writing out my inventory (step 4) and then reading it out loud to my sponsor (step 5) I was able to see my part in things. Two things that came up for me over and over again was believing that I could read minds (spoiler- I can’t!) and that I dealt with hard thing by pretending I didn’t care.
The amends were life altering. I made amends to my mother, who passed a year and a half later from cancer. Thanks to my step work, I was able to be present for her. We had a clean slate- nothing was left unsaid. I owe that to my step work.
Today I’m not miserable and isolated. I have a good life. It’s not perfect but it is not the misery it once was.
Thank you all for reading my share.
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