This is long so apologies in advance and thanks for reading.

I'm (33f) new to online dating, I only started in January after getting out of quite an abusive relationship.

Please bear with me while I vomit my thoughts.

I have struggled with my self esteem for most of my life but ironically I have always been treated like my looks are the only thing that matters. By my mother, boyfriends and so on.

I did modelling when I was in my teens and early 20s and it was a hard lifestyle. I struggle with thinking I'm attractive one day and hideous the next, however, I will never and have never let anyone know that or see that.

I have had a few boyfriends over the years who were never my type, in kindness, ambition or attractiveness, and I kind of just fell into relationships with them because I would think I couldn't do better.

And they all treated me pretty poorly. I was either arm candy or a maid/mother. One boyfriend loved telling people I modelled and how I was 10 years his junior. Almost like a party trick. The others were similar.

My most recent relationship was the only one that ever got really physical though and where my self esteem was evicerated. It was truly a horrible time. I wasn't allowed out much, my makeup, clothing, looks were constantly questioned. If I was ever hit on or if a man even smiled at me, there would be hell to pay.

Since that relationship I have worked so hard on myself. I go to the gym 6 days a week, I've cultivated female friends, got my bachelors and I really enjoy my life. I am happy with my physical appearance these days and my dysmorphia, while it's still there, isn't as bad. So I started online dating.

I was overwhelmed and it was nice for my self esteem and I agreed to dates with three people:

First, 10 years older, heavily pursued me, I found him quite attractive, I visited him and we hit it off. Saw each other for a month, were intimate, made some plans, I asked to meet and then he ghosted.

Second, 8 years older, pursued heavily too, went on two dates, talked all the time, then he kind of stopped responding. He's still on my insta leaving heart and fire emojis on my stories. I asked him on a third date in a light hearted way but he never got back to me and ghosted.

Third and current, 2 years younger, extremely sure of himself but in an endearing way. Went on a first date last week, it was a lot of fun, I did end up sleeping with him which I don't regret but I'm thinking maybe I should. We have talked everyday since with voice notes and he seems genuinely interested in me and my day but no talks of a second date.

I'm afraid to ask him for a second. My friend who is a guy said this when I said I was thinking of asking about a second date;

"I am BUT I'm just shocked you're always the one doing it. Like normally it's the guy right?And it confuses me to no end why you always have to, you're an unbelievable catch😞".

He also said that he thinks I should go for guys that aren't my type, so guys I don't find attractive and I just don't get that. All my life, my exes, weren't hugely my type but I gave them a chance and it always ended badly, so now I'm going for guys I find attractive and it's not going anywhere.

I know this all sounds quite conceted and like I'm trying to expedite dating but I would like to be in love, I've never actually experienced it and I just want someone who loves me for me.

The dates all go amazingly, conversation flows and we have a great time but why is it not happening. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks so much in advance.

Today is my dad's one year anniversary. I knew this day was going to be difficult, but it's proving a lot worse than I imagined.

Mostly due to losing my cat Salem on Sunday. He died in my arms.

He got me through my dad's death, him, my dog, and my two other cats.

I live in my childhood home, where I lived my whole life with my dad. I am currently in my childhood bedroom with my cat Arnie, who is watching his cat tv.

I feel awful. I barely dragged myself out of bed about an hour ago to start work, I'm wfh, and my boss told me to take the day to rest and distract myself. The problem is, I just don't know what to do.

I can't leave the house because my abusive mother who moved back in follows me everywhere and if I don't let her she throws a tantrum so I'm happy chilling in my room but I feel like I should be doing more to honor my dad and my Salem.

I feel like my dad would tell me to just stand up to my mother and do whatever I want, but I don't know what I want or need.

I feel like I'm lazy by staying in here all day, but at the same time, my dad built this bedroom for me. It's my cosy place, and Salem's stuff is in here.

I just feel low, and like this has been the absolute worst year of my life, everything bad has happened this year and it's getting to the stage now where if it weren't for my pets, I wouldn't see the point anymore.

Sorry for the ramble, I don't even know what I'm looking for here.

I miss my dad so much. He was the only person in the world who saw me, the real me.

Without him, it's like I'm invisible and I'll never be seen again. It will be a year on October 25th and it feels like yesterday, watching him leave me.

I would give anything just to have him for a few minutes. I'm not me anymore. It's like I've lost all the good bits, the bits that made me, me. Now I'm just here and just existing.

It just feels so achey all the time, my heart physically hurts all the time.

Sure, I do exist in the world and go about my day with the usual abusive financial and emotional vampires that are in my life getting everything they can from me and i dont even put up a fight anymore. I used to put up a fight when my dad was around, but why bother anymore.

I'm just not really here anymore, I don't feel normal, I feel numb.

I feel like I'm never going to get away from him.

He is draining me emotionally and financially. I know it's easy to say just block him but he finds ways to contact me. He's constantly begging for money and the funniest thing is he works full time but spends it all.

I have been paying his rent for nearly a year on and off, we thankfully haven't lived together since late 2021 when my dad had two heart attacks. He lives 2 hours away.

I haven't seen him in months but I feel so stuck and I have no idea why.

I have almost this guilt? Like I have to help him because if I don't he'll be homeless.

His family are weird. They have all said he doesn't deserve me over the years, yet they all knew how he treated me and thought it was okay. They stick up for him and kind of help him but it seems like they wouldn't if he became homeless.

Only yesterday he was telling me to get over my father dying in October, saying some really awful things to me and today telling me he loves me and needs help again. Because he has to pay his rent and owes lots of money to people.

He's always been like this. He'd push me or break something then tell me I'm beautiful and he loves me.

I cannot stand him and I haven't for the longest time yet I continue to help him. Wtf is wrong with me?

I feel like just faking my death if I'm honest, I think it'd be easy enough, but I just don't know.

I don't want to report him, because of the guilt I'll feel and for some ridiculous reason, this feels like my only way out

Any thoughts, advice would be appreciated, I just feel so alone and down, like I'm all alone in the world.

4 years we have been together. September 2021 we moved to Spain as my job allowed, promises of him getting a job etc etc

All he did was take my money, drink and gamble and abuse me emotionally and mentally, sometimes physically I think, not letting me out of rooms, grabbing me, shoving me and kicking me.

My dad had been diagnosed with cancer in March 2021, we were best friends and extremely close till he put a wedge between us. Mine and my dad's row over the ex lasted 3 weeks but he still managed to get me to move to Spain.

My dad had two heart attacks in December that year, I came home and became his carer. Me and the ex were long distance ever since but I would still go see him. He moved into a house share in Ireland two months after I came home also.

I lost my dad this past October and I feel like I've lost a limb. Caring for him was a privilege, never a burden and I have been distraught since losing him and never talk to anyone about it.

I have financially supported him for 4 years and have been paying his rent, 800 every month not including his 'fun' money. He has even stolen from me and my family in the past. He has a gambling problem. This week with Cheltenham racing on, he went to spain to see relatives and as i suspected, borrowed money to gamble with.

Since this week his wages were going into my account for safe keeping and he lost it at me the last few days, demanding his money and breaking up with me. He was awful to me.

I gave him all of his wages, closed the bank account where his wages were going and I have blocked him on everything after I told him I accepted the breakup.

I really hope this is my final time leaving him l, I have constantly given in due to his guilt trips and I hope I stay strong.

I don't want to do it anymore, I'm just so tired.

Thank you for reading this far.

My dad died two weeks ago.

To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. We were best friends and when he got sick I looked after him.

I have always lived here other than 12 months I lived abroad.

My mother on the other hand is a horrible abusive woman who abandoned us 10 years ago and left the country.

When she found out my father was sick in 2021, she forced her way back into the house and there was nothing we could do about it because her name is also on the deeds and my father was too sick to fight.

Him being sick didn't stop her from making false accusations about my dad which resulted in her getting a barring order on him and he on her. She continued to steal his money and tell him to die everyday.

We called the guards, we went to men's charities, we did everything to report her behaviour and no one would help. The guards took her side everytime because she would cry.

Now, two weeks after my dad died, I am in charge of probate, the will, debts etc. I organised the funeral alone, she never showed up which I'm glad for but it didn't stop her going crazy at me for not making the funeral about her.

My mother does not know about my dad's will and he left everything to me and made me executor and I haven't said a word to her just yet as I want to try and get ahead as much as I can.

I am 99% sure that she won't get the house due to succession rights so I get my dad's half but I am unsure about what happens after that.

Ideally I would buy her out, I know she'll refuse and she will make my life a living hell.

My dad wanted her out of his life and his house that he solely paid for all on his own and I want to do right by him and stay here, I grew up here with him and I want to do it up how he would have wanted.

I'm still waiting on his death cert so haven't started anything yet other than cancelling banks, phone etc but I would just like to know what I'm up against.

Thanks so much in advance

My dad died Tuesday. I was with him and watched him take his last breath, it was awful.

I am now organising everything for the funeral, and battling an abusive mother who abandoned me and my dad 12 years ago and is basically just trying to get the little bit of money he had. She is also back living in our home house. She moved in when he got sick.

I have been doing so much the last few days because I am afraid to stop.

I lived in the hospital with him for the last two weeks, and when I wasn't staying there I visited every two days and now I hate that I won't be going back to the hospital. I miss sleeping there beside him.

Right now I feel numb I guess? My face is still all puffy and sore from crying, but the pain is unbearable and I don't want to feel it again, I want to stay numb.

It feels like my world has collapsed and my right arm cut off. My dad was my best friend, we did everything together, we talked every day and now I'm just so empty.

I'm also angry, I think, angry at the world, angry at people who don't understand, just angry.

I only had one person in this whole world, him, and now he's gone. How am I supposed to go on after this, what's the point.

Yesterday, I was lay in his hospital bed with him watching Naked Gun. Now I'm sat beside his bed watching him slowly leave me.

My dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in February 2021. After many many mistakes by his doctors, we got him into private care in August. He has been here since then and I have been visiting constantly and sleeping here every night for the last week.

He seemed to be doing so well, I and the doctor's were so optimistic. He was responding to chemo and then he got a chest infection from food aspiration.

It's the level of irony my dad would laugh at that it wasn't the cancer, it was a chest infection that took him out.

My dad is my best friend, my absolute world and as I sit here alone, terrified he's in pain, scared that he'll wake up and see me upset and it'll make him upset, I just can't wrap my head around any of this.

My eyes are so swollen, my face puffy and my tears are now stingy. I feel like someone has reached into my chest and is ripping my heart out.

A part of me wants him to just fade out, no more groaning and being uncomfortable or agitated and the other part of me wants to beg him not to leave me.

I need him. I don't know how to live without him and to be honest, I don't want to.

People are telling me to stop crying and that this is life but this is not life. This is a sick drawn out torture for me and my dad.

I don't want to be without him. I'm sorry for the wall of text, I don't even really know what I'm saying to be honest.