I've been feeling really lonely lately and the fact that I'm still a virgin gets me down bad. I just wish I was a normal person. I work part time at the mall and it's so hard seeing happy couples everywhere and hear my co-workers talk about their relationships. I've been crying every night now and my mum has noticed and is really worried about me. I don't want her to worry or be a burden on her. I'm at the point where all my peers are getting engaged and married, and I haven't even gone on one date. I just want to fade away into the darkness, never to be heard from again. Sometimes I have fantasies about moving to Tibet and becoming a monk, just so I would have a valid excuse for being celibate. I get especially jealous of younger guys that have amazing sexual experiences, especially in college. It's embarrassing to be a 25 year old virgin when there are 20 years olds in happy relationships and having sex all the time. This pain, loneliness, and constant crying to myself is affecting my work, mental state, and has caused me to flunk my semester of school (again for the 3rd time). I just can't seem to get out of this pain, it seems theres only one way to escape it but I'm too much of a wuss to go through with it....
Its a perfectly normal biological need, Stronger in some than others. To someone that gets chewed up by a hunger they cant effectively quench, your "advice" is a load of useless crap.
See you get it.
Yeah, I did a stutter-step when I got to "I'm at the point where all my peers are getting engaged and married". I'm at the point where my peers' kids are in high school. Think 25 is a bad time to be a virgin? Oh ho, it can be so, so much worse, believe me.
Think 25 is a bad time to be a virgin? Oh ho, it can be so, so much worse, believe me.
I think their fear though is that they'll end up the same age that you are and still be a virgin.
That's the issue tho for many, they are good normal people so in their heads the worst thing possible is indeed being that
A relationship is a critical aspect of life. If you've never had one, it can be hard to cope and have the motivation to do other things.
The thing about relationships is that you have a better chance of getting into a stable relationship when you’re stable yourself. This doesn’t mean that you have to be perfect for anyone to want to be with you. It just means that people are more willing to be with someone who happy where they are in life.
And I understand it being hard. Like I said, I was older than OP before I got into a relationship. So they’re feelings I understand.
I love this comment. I lost my virginity to a hooker at 20 because I was ashamed of being a virginity. Never really had any relationship until I was 21 but other than the small happiness it brought at first it quickly faded and I was still unhappy. Best advice I ever got (and advice I give my kids) is learn to be happy alone. No relationship will magically make you happy unless you are happy yourself. Work on yourself, your goals, your mental health, and your own happiness. Not only will this help you with the confidence to find someone but your relationship will be much better for it.
Best advice you ever got was getting a hooker at 20.
Notice how just one year later you were in a relationship. Also notice that you were overjoyed at first, but then felt empty - yeah, that's the POINT of getting a hooker. I'll explain.
At that age, we men are very hyperfocused on getting laid, having sex, to the point that it messes us up in other areas, makes it hard to focus on anything if we don't get it and never did. The constant rejection also makes it hard to see value in oneself. After all, a 25 year old virgin woman is a virgin because she CHOSE to, as she definitely had at least a few suitors, whereas a 25 year old male virgin usually is that way because he just got shot down and had no women after him, not even unattractive ones.
The old "work on yourself" advice, WHILE TRUE, just rings hollow at that point. The only REAL way of getting over it is by... having sex. Then you experience it and see it's good but not worth destroying your life over it (or the lack of it). That's the "emptiness" sensation. "Oh, I was that distraught over... this? Something is missing".
And as soon as that happens, men instantly become a lot more attractive. Ironically, NOT caring about sex makes you more sexually attractive, which is the whole point of your "focus on yourself" advice (which IS true). But, for most men, it is very hard to really feel this, even if they intelectually grasp the concept. You have to experience sex at least once to get over it, and if it takes paying for it the first time, then so be it.
There was a good reason fathers took their sons to whorehouses when they reached a certain age a few decades ago, and it's not just "lol patriarchy". The older I get, the more I realize how some "insane" things that previous generations did really weren't that insane at all. The sooner young men become sexually active (even if it takes paying for it), the sooner they start to mature in other areas.
What other “insane” things do you believe weren’t insane?
I’m not really a person who gives advice on things like this but this seems to be an obvious thing many younger people online seem to miss - be a person with a life, interests and pursue them.
As long as you’re not too adverse to social situations and hypocritical about looks/social status/money etc. you’ll get your shot.
I second this. I couldn't land a date until I was 29, and while this was a giant strain on my psyche, I am glad that by the time it did happen, I was at a point in my life I was ready to be in a healthy relationship. At 25, I was emotional wreck and workaholic that wanted everything that everyone else had(social media can be a curse), and in that short 4-year window I learned to take care of myself and was able to land the love of my life. Being a virgin and without having experienced a relationship at 25 sucks without a doubt(you still have 4 year window on me lol), but spend the time taking care of yourself, so when you find someone, you can put your best version of yourself out there, cause a relationship only works if the other person can see your value, and that comes from loving yourself.
you have a better chance of getting into a stable relationship when you’re stable yourself.
took me some years to learn that, too.
“Don’t try to find the one, try to be the one.”
Everyone i know got into a relationship while in college or immediately after. How is that stable?
A relationship doesn't miraculously make you happy. If you find a partner, guess what? You wake up the next day, and you're still the same person with the same problems. Motivation comes from within.
I agree. I was very depressed before my first relationship, and the new relationship dopamine temporarily helped hide it but eventually I was very depressed while in my first relationship as well. It really isn't all that important and doesn't fundamentally change your self-confidence or who you are. It's self confidence, it comes from within, not from outside validation. That's why even very successful people with loads of validation can still be deeply insecure.
I somewhat disagree. I was heavily depressed and suicidal for a long time, one of my main gripes being lonely and not experiencing intimacy and sex. When i finally found a girlfriend it helped a lot. I had to get better beforehand in order to be confident enough to get a girlfriend, but that is a very hard thing to do and was only half of the equation. The other half is my girlfriend.
Not having experienced intimacy is like sitting in a restaurant in front of a empty plate, surrounded by people saying how good their lasagna tastes. You know lasagna alone won’t make you happy, but you just want to know what it tastes like.
Exactly
This is true. As a non virgin but nowadays lonely incelish 30 year old I can say that a relationship and or sex doesn't really change that much at all how you feel about yourself and motivation and happiness etc
No, you’re quite literally not the same person with the same problems. If one of your main problems was loneliness, waking up next to your partner is obviously an improvement of your life. Yeah, a partnership doesn’t mean you are guaranteed happiness but it definitely means you aren’t lonely (if it’s a positive partnership obviously)
Then how do you explain so manny people that are lonely in their relationship? Or is that a myth to you?
It’s not a myth, they just either have a shitty/abusive relationship or other unrelated psychological issues. If your main reason to be lonely is the lack of finding a partner, a partner will obviously alleviate your loneliness. For some it might not be enough to get rid of it entirely but it’s atleast going to reduce it. It just depends on why you’re lonely in the first place
You get me.
That sounds like a one way road to codependency to me, but it’s your life.
Codependency is such a weird term to use for this. When did we start demonizing the idea of emotionally relying on our partners? Most humans crave a romantic relationship and nothing will be able to replace that desire for them. When these people give up on romance, they embrace apathy and people call it emotional Independence like it’s somehow a positive thing to achieve.
Obviously some people are too dependent on their partners but I never talked about extreme cases so don’t even start with that argument
If you’re not happy alone, you’re going to ask too much emotional labor of a partner. Nobody is saying give up on romance — it’s about being a stable, content person who is more able to equitably receive and give love.
Yeah but you’re fighting a ghost. I never said your partner should be your sole supply of happiness. Read my last paragraph again.
All I said was that a partnership can alleviate loneliness. And that most people will be lonely if they aren’t able to have such a partnership. Loneliness isn’t the only metric of happiness and people can learn to cope with not having a romantic partner. But it’s an aspect that most will still desire and an aspect that will increase the quality of life for those people.
„Nobody is saying give up on romance“ True, they just said romance doesn’t make you less lonely. Which is a statement I obviously disagree with.
Romance isn’t the only way to alleviate loneliness. I say again, relying on one person to hold back whatever negative emotion you’re experiencing is very risky.
It goes into the causes behind the “male loneliness epidemic”. Men are much more likely to only seek close social bonds with potential romantic partners. Women don’t have that issue because they lean on friends and family more.
I love when people in relationships say this like ok that's fine, I'd still like to try it out please lmaooo.
Life is a lot easier with the tease of a relationship Vs none at all.
Even if you've had one/some and have been single for a long time. When you're not able to get the one thing you want most in life, it eats at you and makes you demotivated to do other things - even exist.
I didn’t have my first relationship till I was 22 and I never had a crippling fear of loneliness. I think having a good group of friends is the biggest protective factor here. A lot of these people are alone in most if not all aspects of their life. Romantic/sexual relationships don’t feel so life or death when you have other positive relationships in your life. It sounds cheesy, but prioritizing his schooling and friendships would probably help alleviate some of this sadness.
That's how I feel. I've never had a relationship and I feel like it makes the day by day just harder to do. Like if I had a relationship it would give extra motivation to do well anything. But since I don't it's just that much harder
Exactly. You can’t properly love someone else until you learn to love yourself
This!
People in their 20s seem fixated on virginity and how they haven’t lost it yet, which makes sense from a social perspective, but for a lot of people it loses imperativeness over time.
And no one can tell you’re a virgin. You’re the only one who is aware of it. I can say as an outsider I promise no one is looking at people wondering what the status of their virginity is. People are very self focused. You’re the only one hurting yourself at this point.
Also, 25 is incredibly young. You have years left in life.
My concern would be the fact that you’re failing school over it and your job is suffering. At this point, you need to speak to a therapist about it. A person shouldn’t be obsessing over their virginity to the point it’s impacting other areas of their life. That’s the most important part.
Why does everyone always say it’s social pressure that’s causing people to want to lose their virginity? Sex is fun, it’s cozy to cuddle with someone you care about. People actually want to do it because it’s fulfilling. Such an annoying deflection
It really isn’t about how other people talk about you or perceive you, intimacy is just one of the core experiences of being human. Missing that can be extremely painful.
You might get someone who points out how they notice you aren’t in a relationship
Unfortunately I've delt with alot of assholes who are like this towards me. Degenerates who can't fathom not having sex and being in toxic relationships for more than a week. 27 years of this and I genuinely hate people. While part of my lack of experience is because of my failures to escalate and actually ask women out I still didn't deserve ridicule for my status. The backlash from others for not living like them is real. Most people think it's weird to not have experience at this age. Men are expected to always be chasing relationships and sex. The ones like me who don't but want it yet can live without it are seen as embarrassments. Many of you just can't understand the frustration we feel due to the pressures and shaming society puts on us. The only way to win is to find a way to win.
Hi. First, if you are having thoughts of self harm, please seek help for that. It may not seem like it, but there are people in your life who care about you. You have a lot to live for, even if you think otherwise in your current situation.
I have been in your shoes (in some ways I still am). Feel free to look at my post history. I got into relationships that were clearly wrong for me (or didn't/haven't left when they turned out to be mismatched). This happened because I used to think exactly the way you are. Wouldn't I be happier in a relationship? All those other people are happy being with someone, don't I deserve that? Of course I do (and you do as well). But if you don't learn to be secure on your own first, you will not develop a sense of self worth and self respect. You may have to learn it the hard way, as I did, but being in a bad relationship is worse than being on your own. First explore and understand what it is you want from a relationship, your needs and expectations. Then find someone whose values and priorities align with yours. If you don't do at least this, you will find yourself contorting into other people's preferences. I won't give you the BS of "you have to love yourself before someone else will love you," but you do need to be able to have enough insight to advocate for yourself in relationships.
Happy to talk more, and my DMs are open to you.
It's one thing to have never had a relationship and another to have had bad ones. OP's main issue is getting over the initial barrier to a normal social life so he can have the experiences to understand himself and what a healthy relationship is.
Kiddo, you are 25, you have plenty of time to experience sex and relationships.
Don't get yourself down. Don't push yourself too much. It will happen and it will probably be sooner than you expect.
You are probably a bit of a late bloomer, that's all.
Have you ever shown interest in someone? Asked them out?
Kiddo to a 25 yo grown man
Hahaha I have a 24yo nephew that I still consider a kiddo, I didn't mean it in an insulting way.
My neice is like 32 lol. I'm not even 40 yet.
There are people well into their 40s, 50s, and 60s with the exact same experience, so it isn't as though the problems will just automatically resolve themselves as time goes on. They don't always and people do die without ever feeling love or the warmth of another.
This came out more angry than I thought it would. I know you're just trying to be encouraging. I just need to get this off my chest.
As someone in OP's shoes, responses like this are incredibly frustrating. I've been single my whole life. I have no irl friends outside my immediate family, and nothing is changing. And it's not for a lack of trying.
I go to social events (or I have in the past, it's been a while). I try to talk to people. What happens every time is they just tolerate me, and nothing comes of it. I regularly text people to ask how they're doing, and maybe half the time I get a response, and rarely do they return the question, and no one ever initiates a conversation with me. I feel like I have no options.
But this problem isn't real, because I'm not 30 yet? At what age is a romantic relationship or any friendship just gonna magically fall into my lap? You seem so dismissively certain that it's gonna happen.
I have been in your shoes. I grew up without friends because I didn't fit in with other kids of my age in my area so I used to be certain there is something wrong with me and I will never find friends or a relationship (as I grew into my teen years).
I thought I had developed some friendships in my college city and put up with things I shouldn't have because the friend and her friends convinced me I was unworthy of friends. I said screw them I am better off alone than this crap and moved back to my hometown believing again I will end up alone.
I met some friends from a nearby city through some common interests online but it wasn't like I could afford going to see them too often.
One time I had gone to see them while we had plans to meet, some emergencies came up, plus one who decided to ditch us for her bf and I was left to spend the weekend alone in another city. I went to a live show on my own and met a girl that was from my hometown. We said we should go out when we got back and she texted me about a week later. I met her other friends and through them I met some other people that became my friends.
While out with those friends I met my husband (long story).
So I do believe this kind of things happen. At least after a lot of trial and error. I know they did for me so I hope I can help others realize they shouldn't give up.
I understand that it's frustrating, but really what is going to change? The world isn't going to change for you, you have to change for it. It sucks and it probably isn't fair, but it is what it is. If no one initiates conversations with you then you have to initiate it with them, and if they don't like you then you have to figure out why and adjust yourself. Part of the reason people say young people shouldn't worry about this is because the older you get the more mature you get, and you get better and better at being social with others. This isn't true if you isolate yourself from others socially though, which unfortunately happens with a lot of men today and is one of the most critical things to avoid.
I know this can feel mean to hear especially when you're frustrated, but in reality it is the only way anything is ever going to change. I feel for you and OP because I've been there and I know it isn't easy, but it will almost definitely come with time if you focus on problems with yourself rather than problems with others.
I don’t think being a virgin at 25 is anything special. I lost mine around that time, to my now wife. Why is having sex early, good? It’s emotionally risky, and gives no indication on your long term happiness or fulfillment. You have lost nothing, and nobody else sees you as a virgin, unless you yourself portray yourself like one.
Much more important is focusing on your self worth and confidence. Stop comparing yourself to others. Sit down and write down, what is it that makes you happy, confident and makes you feel in the right place. Work systematically towards that. If you are in a rot mentally, my best tip is to move physically to a new environment to get a fresh start, that often helps.
Best of luck!
I’ll be honest: I don’t think this is a good stance to take. It belittles others for feeling bad about missing something they desire but cannot get.
I agree with a lot you said about self worth and focusing on your own wellbeing etc, but intimacy is a key thing in human life, it doesn’t matter if he gets it at some point because it’s not always about long term happiness, but now-term happiness. It can be a painful place to be, especially if people you know have more luck in this regard
Nowhere in there does it say any effort you have made to change this. Girls are not just going to walk up and ask you out. You have to make an effort. And expect rejection, and lots of it
Speaking as someone who has success dating and with relationships now, I had to go through years of rejection and self-improvement to get here. I’m talking dozens and dozens of rejections. And you are still at square 1 making no effort. Time to get to work?
Best advice on here.
Dozens and dozens yup yup brother. After the first few rejections it’s like water off a ducks ass. I think one woman was actually surprised how fast I moved on from her rejection when I asked someone else out she knew literally a day or two later. Still happily dating that girl 6 years later. :)
I’m absolutely stealing water off a ducks ass That’s amazing
This. You got to make it happen, and sometimes, that means failing. However, even a fail can be liberating, once you realize that the sky didn't fall down, it wasn't a disaster, you can move on and try again.
What is stopping you?
Are you nervous? Women are OK with that, it shows that you feel it is important.
Looks? Trust me, looks are vastly overrated. Show real interest in them as persons, and you are well along the way, looks or no looks.
Treat women as persons, don't be a creep, be active and talk to people, be receptive to hints, and it'll happen.
Looks? Trust me, looks are vastly overrated. Show real interest in them as persons, and you are well along the way, looks or no looks.
I don't get this view. How you can show real interest into person you never met?
Talk to them, listen, ask real questions about what they talk about, try to relate to them.
This.
Best comment Ive seen. If you want something to change you have to take action, otherwise you should expect nothing
25F, can relate. Not sure what I’m doing wrong, every guy I’ve ever been interested in has rejected me. It’s not like they’re out of my league either, far from it. In the past 4 years I’ve made commendable strides in self-improvement, and I’m getting better all the time. I don’t plan on quitting, boyfriend or not, and I truly do not mind being single, in fact I enjoy it. It just sucks that I turn dudes off this fucking hard, even at my best. Like, what the hell is wrong with me. It hurts, and makes me wonder whether I’ll ever get to experience something as wonderful as reciprocated attraction. It’s particularly frustrating that my sisters excel in this respect, but I’m mysteriously stunted.
Are all the 25-year-old virgin posts by men?
Any women with the same issue? It seems like there should be some possible matches here.
Funnily (or not) enough, just yesterday there was an incident where a German comedian publicly made fun of a woman in the audience for being a virgin.
He asked the audience if anyone was single, she raised her hand, and first he asked her when her last relationship was ("no") and then he asked "but you've fucked, right?" ("no"). Apparently she was so distraught after the show that she had to be comforted by some staff.
The broadcaster also said they won't show the segment on TV, but that didn't stop the comedian from making an instagram post out of it where he showed her and made fun of her.
Well, that's atrocious on the part of the comedian. Shameful, to say the least.
Yup, 23F but being virgin is a personal choice for me as I never found someone trustworthy and loving enough beside the comment section is already proving my decision correct enough.
Imagine being 39 like me n still single.been on a few date but never had a girlfriend. Never had sex, escort seem more and more like a solution to me if i dont have a partner till 50
Look.. sex won't make you feel any less lonely.. it great sometimes.. but it isn't a magic cure all for the deeper emotions you're experiencing. You can't rely on anyone else for your happiness, and people are still hooking up well into their elderly years. It will happen, and you're only 25. You have so much more to experience and live through. I think you need to find who you are, what you want from life, and find a passion and happiness. The human condition is to feel connection and you will find that with the right group of people.. just be yourself. Sex isn't everything, but it shouldn't define you, and not having done it does NOT make you any less of a person, and anyone saying otherwise is an asshole.
On the bright side, once you meet someone you really connect with, all it takes is a few hours to put a lot of these insecurities to rest for good. As a late bloomer myself, I spent years in your shoes constantly thinking about when I’d find love and when I’d lose my virginity. It felt like an eternity yearning for that stuff. Crazy how a few short hours with someone reversed those anxieties.
Also, I might just be delusional but I think there’s a lot more people out there not having sex than what we’d expect. And, losing your virginity doesn’t guarantee consistent sex. So, you’re not totally missing out right now.
Being in a relationship seems great and all, but you have more time and freedom as a single person. Every couple I know only spends time with each other. And you never know what happens behind closed doors. Once I overheard a store clerk sadly talking about how they don’t have any friends because they only talk to their partner nowadays. Being single really makes you appreciate your friendships and your relationship with your family more — lots of joy and good in that! There’s so much hope and opportunity for you!
For the record, you can have a relationship and still see your friends. Actually the healthiest relationships I’ve seen are those who aren’t together 24/7 and never seeing their friends.
Try being 43, it doesn’t get easier. You have to power through and make yourself presentable. Exercise, put yourself in scenarios where your with likeminded people. It’s a numbers game, like getting your resume out to companies. You have to try. Women want you to try. You’re going to get denied but how you react and learn is the important part. It’s all about getting back up and smiling and carrying on. You got it, but from experience nobody wants a sad negative lonely boring partner.
And what are you doing in your free time? What are your habits and hobbies? I'm assuming sitting at home all day doing nothing. You're somehow surprised you're single given your habits?
Are you going to the gym? Joining a club? Having any hobbies?? Going out to bard on the weekend? I'm genuinely curious.
Even without taking his free time into account, working at a mall where i can only imagine he has the opportunity to interact with a number of different people, already gives him the ability to meet someone. Now if that ends up being a relationship or not it kinda depends
Are gyms really places to meet people? No one wants you bothering them there surely. Other suggestions seem more reasonable.
He means is he doing anything for self improvement, like exercising.
Gyms, yoga, etc are literally the only places I can meet women that meet my standards without hitting the lottery.
Just don't be a creep or pushy.
Depends on the type of gym too. As a climber, I'd say climbing gyms are a great place to meet people, potential partners and friends alike. It can help to have people you can talk to about these things irl too. Other sport specific gyms like climbing will have club/event days which are free with the membership/day pass that are based on introducing you to other people. Picking a group form of exercise makes it easier, even something like a kickboxing class you'd be paired with a partner. Worst case scenario you get a new friend.
Depends on the vibe of the gym. I would agree that most people don’t want to be hit on at the gym - especially if OP is straight, a guy hitting on women at the gym is very unlikely to be well-received (leave us alooooooooone!). However, dating is easier when you have friends, as you end up going more places/doing more things/meeting more people, and gyms CAN be a good place to make friends. My main friendship group is actually now a bunch of people I met at the gym and who all spontaneously clicked and started hanging out more. Some more community-focused gyms also specifically have social events, organised charity runs/walks, fundraisers, etc.. So yeah, I wouldn’t suggest OP go to the gym to find people to date, or even specifically to make friends, but it’s very rarely a bad idea to go to the gym, and picking one that is friendly and convivial could be a great way to build your social circle (and boost your health and confidence).
You’ve had a hellova different gym experience than me. I’ve spent years at 24 hour, LA Fitness, and now my university gym and I’ve never had anything like you’re saying happen. It’s always lift, go home, they don’t have 5ks or charity stuff ever. You may have an extremely unique gym and you should probably give them a shoutout
Can’t name it without basically doxxing myself as it’s fairly small. That’s the joy of it, though, if you can access something that isn’t a chain or a huge gym. In the UK a lot of our local “leisure centres” have a more community focus than the private big chain gyms, or there are gyms attached to grassroots sports clubs where you might end up, say, going to support one of the teams and making some friends that way. The bigger gyms might also have classes where you’re likely to see the same people every week, which helps, but obviously that depends on your demographic and what you want to do (I mostly lift, but I’m very comfortable in a yoga/pilates class and would probably have a fair amount in common with the the other people there, so that would be an easy way for me to meet people, but it might not suit OP). You’re unlikely to make friends in the free weights section of a PureGym, though, it’s all about finding the places that are likely to foster community.
Excercise and getting into that routine really is a magic pill for mental health. Everyone is focusing on the physical aspect all the time. I consider the latter only as a bonus. Get some of that good feeling in and bad feelings out by lifting, then good sleep and appetite after you’re done. After some time of doing this, it’s a night and day difference in your mood. The best part is it’s a positive cycle that keeps on getting better when you stick to it.
Might be surprised how much easier it is to get brave and ask a stranger out when you’re not depressed and down all the time.
Not for everyone. During one of my longest bouts of depression I was exercising 5 days a week 2 hours each day didn't really make a difference only medication helped. I'm not saying don't try it more so don't get discouraged if it doesn't work
Valid point. Still worth a try though! I’d say the most important part is to realize what is going on with oneself and taking action to start fixing what is broken, instead of endless wallowing. Not easy, especially if you’re deep down enough. One step at a time and it will accumulate. Be it getting out of bed, seeking medication or starting excercising
You can have plenty of hobbies and still be in trouble because they don’t necessarily include other people or require you to leave your house. (Reading, painting, playing an instrument etc)
Me 😔 I just have indoor hobbies! 😫
I always always always see people say you should get out more, which is true to some extent, but never any good examples of what to do besides going to the gym. Like go mill around in bars? Go play kickball at the park? I'm all for some out door activities but I've yet to see some good examples where you actually have a chance of meeting new people
This is peak gaslighting, you're assuming it's OPs own fault entirely for his situation whilst not even considering we are living in social dystopia, also some people are just born unlovable. These are harsh truths people just refuse accept for some reason. This shit ain't a Disney movie, some people really do die alone despite trying their hardest not to.
I'm confused about how any of these suggestions about hobbies and gyms are gaslighting. Yet saying someone is born unlovable is, without a doubt, blaming the sufferer.
This is trash doomer nonsense. Anyone can find a relationship, it's just a matter of setting reasonable expectations.
I dunno, personally I hard disagree with the premise that someone is born unlovable;, sounds like a cop-out. Yes you can be born with more conventionally-unattractive features, but I think to say someone is born unlovable is a bit of a sourgraping concept.
And even so, let’s say some people are born being more difficult to love: there are still things one can do to get a fighting chance. OP has a chance and just needs to try new things rather than just mope and accept being unlovable; maybe it will work, maybe it won’t, but I would say it’s always better to try and fail than to have never tried. I agree, someone could do their best and more, and still have nothing. But you don’t know if you’re one of those until you’re at your deathbed.
Of course, all this is moot as we’re all speculating here, unless OP provides some context to his situation specifically we can’t really be sure. OC was just asking anyway, they never said "oh it’s your fault", they asked questions to ascertain OP’s situation
His POV isn't worse gaslighting than the assumption of OP being without options and just living in a social dystopia and being an unlovable person by definition.
Yeah SOME people are doomed, but very few are. On Reddit the ratios are skewed, but not THAT skewed that the baseline assumption should be that someone asking for help here should be told that nothing can be done.
Leave it to the dude posting dick pics online for validation to try to belittle a young person who feels down when everyone around them has something they don't.
Going out to bard sounds awesome
Toss a coin to your Witcher...
someone say bard
I don't think this is strictly true, honestly. I am a *very* socially active person in real life, yet the vast majority of the sex that I have comes from dating apps. I, a single man, have sex with people I first met in real life on average 1.5 times a year at most (during periods that I am actually single). Yet, statistically speaking, I am apparently more successful than most other single men when it comes to romance (I say purely as a matter of fact, having read a few studies on the topic as an interested social sciences student). Most single men don't have nearly as much sex as they like to make out.
I understand I am part of the problem I'm about to describe, but an attitude common among those around me is "why would I jeopardise any existing social dynamic when I can just pull someone out of the ether?" I think this pervasive attitude has had a meaningful impact even on those who abstain from dating apps, which is a real shame. I don't think meeting people through hobbies or interests is what it once was.
Just wait until you become 30+ virgin it gets worse way worse.
I was once 31 old virgin. Now two years later I have wife. You still have time.
I'll get a lot of downvotes for this but your first sexual experienced doesn't have to be in a loving relationship, that's utter nonsense. You should save up some money and find a professional escort who perhaps over a couple of meetings will show you the ropes, so to speak.
Once that's out of the system you'll realise it's really not that special but maybe you'll feel more confident within yourself, and that will help your confidence meeting someone.
I have a best friend who was 27 when he first had sex. It's not that unusual so don't worry.
It's not about the mere physical act, it is about him not experiencing the validation that other 'normal' people experience by getting intimate affection from other people. Having to pay a person to achieve what all the others can achieve spontaneously will only worsen his self esteem
Congrats on actually being intelligent. If only more people on here actually had any degree of common sense like you are showing
It ain’t about sex.
its not ALL about sex, but sex is def a big chunk of it
Some professionals are good at dealing with virgins, the guy might get some bonuses if they find out he is honest.
Yes he must say he's a virgin. He won't be their first.
I feel like paying someone for sex wouldn’t help your confidence too much.
Well he'll know what to do and he won't be so scared when he meets the right person.
Give her money?
This is a solution if the only thing you want is sex and don’t care about any future relationship.
Not a single person I know would date someone who’s been with an escort, let alone had their first sexual experience with one.
Not a single person I know would date someone who’s been with an escort
Why?
Yeah that's extremely shallow. Not to mention it's none of their business
Probably similar reasons to how most men wouldn’t have a serious relationship with a woman that’s fine sex work/only fans. Works both ways i suppose
Sex work is very very rarely ethical. Most sex workers “choose” that work under extremely difficult circumstances (if not outright trafficked against their will) and are routinely taken advantage of.
So a person so desperate for sexual pleasure that they’re literally willing to treat a non essential desire as a commodity and a human being as a product for sexual gratification is a giant waving red flag and not “shallow” judgement.
Where I live there are many independent escorts and they appreciate respectful individuals who respect their boundaries.
Because no one I know wants to date someone who’s so desperate for sex that they’re willing to treat it as a monetary transaction. It’s a pretty major red flag.
Spitting facts. Idk why you’re getting downvoted
I agree...lots of signs there. But I try to put myself in someone's shoes for empathy. Would you rather this person never ever have sex? Is paying for it really so bad when "empower sex workers" is a common social topic. You can't empower sex workers if you're discouraging the existence of John's. Etc.
All that aside..how would your friends even know? I assumed sexual history was a big taboo topic. No girl will ask you "hey Steve have you ever hired a hooker"
The reason people champion sex workers is exactly why sleeping with a sex worker is a red flag in the first place - sex workers are often the unempowered individual in the very dynamic they participate in and deserve championing for that reason - not their clients.
It’s sex workers that are mistreated, not the clients. It’s sex workers that are taken advantage of. It’s sex workers that are abused. It’s sex workers that routinely get trafficked, assaulted and killed without any justice.
Anyone willing to get their jollies off without the faintest bit of empathy for what the person they’re about to hire might be giving up to be their client is not someone I’m interested in empathising with.
Past didn't matter last time I looked it up, right?
Oh right yes I forgot about the truth serum 👀 if you think everyone fesses uo about their prior sexual history you’re naive to say the least 😂
I don’t think you realise that you’ve just told on yourself. Good people don’t feel comfortable lying to people they claim to care for about significant aspects of their lives.
I certainly wouldn’t want to withhold my own life from my partner and no one worth dating would be comfortable doing that.
As far as I'm aware, there's no branding ceremony after the transaction is done.
Bruh what 😂 this man needs some self esteem and confidence, not a hooker
You’re hyper focused on this “virginity” concept and it’s destroying your sense of self.
You just haven’t had a physically intimate relationship in the way that I’ve never driven a car. It’s just a single aspect of your life.
Zoom out - are you in a job you like? Do you have friends you enjoy spending time with? Do you have a happy relationship to your body? Physical activity? Hobbies?
If the answer is no to a lot of that - the issue isn’t sex or relationships, it’s a lack of fulfilment that you’re channelling into one very specific area when what you need to be doing is shifting your idea about your overall goals and ambitions.
I think that a lot more people are in your position than you might consider, it is because they harbour similar feelings of shame or embarrassment so simply will not mention it. I think the key is to be proactive about your situation and learn to get acquainted with rejection. Sounds scary, and it is, but once you get used to this part, it is just a case of seizing opportunities and becomes easier over time.
It gets better.
My partner was in the same position when we first met, A year down the line he reckons its not all cracked up to be and that he reckons hes asexual lol.
You have no reason to be ashamed. In China and India, there’s a surplus of men numbering in the millions, because of familial preference for boys. These men could go their entire lives not even meeting a woman their age. You’re not even close to abnormal.
Are you doing anything to make yourself relationship material? Are you even ready to be in a relationship?
Who cares. Women are for the moment, Mr. Olympia is forever. So get up, take some steroids, a few chunks protein and train train train!
Don't be jealous alot of them r liars hang in there mate fire up a bone
Its even worse when you have a high sex drive.
Real
And 25 is no age!
I'd argue it's fucking difficult to go through life without experiencing love or sex mate. No shame in not shagging anything that moves as soon as you're physically able to. You're not even that old. Focus on your studies, learn to appreciate and accept yourself and the rest will fall into place. Self acceptance is key man. Be cool and chin up
Sex is nothing worth being so obsessed over. Just because your using another persons meat tube doesnt mean its going to feel any better. I used to be like you. Someday your gonna lose your virginity and be like “seriously? That’s it?”. Masturbating is literally better than any one night stand. Focus on youself. Find your goals and hobbies. Do what makes you happy because it won’t be sex.
The best advice I could give you is to start working on yourself, start working out, find your passion and start reading books that’ll help you improve your social skills I was there at some point in my life and it’s when you start to focus more on yourself that you get better opportunities, use that loneliness and turn it in to anger, use that anger to workout and you’ll see a difference I promise man start working on lookmaxxing I know people will tell you looks are not everything but they are and you can change if you try so don’t give up on life
God damn, I had mine at 31st. If I suffered from that I could have killed myself already. Enjoy all the pon when you can because one day you will find those knowledge to be useful. Dont torture yourself my man! Spend that time exercise becomes more attractive or learn new skills that is helpful for your career. In a relationship, it is not only about sex, but it is also about how you can take care of your lady, your children.
As a 25 years old virgin I don't see the reason to be embarrassed about it?
i feel like these posts only create more shame instead of wanting actual help or advice, idk
i feel like the comment section is trying to shame him personally. so many petty and clearly passive aggressive comments. its weird
And it's all so unnecessary
People can see it as a sign of no social skills, and its no secret that those same people also see having no social skills as a red flag. So your chances of someone accepting you drops to the floor. I'm also a virgin, but in my case being virgin is no the problem, is the fact that I don't know how it feels to be loved by someone I also love. I have to bottle every emotion I feel, i don't have any shoulder to lay on. I have to go back home at night and there's no one waiting for me or at least no message on my cellphone. I see my brother and friends with their partners, sharing everything and supporting each other, and yet I have to live everything alone because I'm me.
Also, for the record: there are no "normal people", only those who hide their problems better. We all have ways we fall short of expectations, whether our own or those we perceive others to have for us.
We're all misfit toys. You're one of us.
Relationships are hella overrated, enjoy your free time. The people that find that weird can f off.
I was just like you till I was 23, then had a few very bad relationships, and now at 26 I have concluded that I'm way happier by myself and realize how messed up the dating scene is. I was always not good enough, and now it's more reversed. Got my life together perfectly without having had someone that genuinly loved me, ever.
Do you have about 200 dollars?
I'll fund $50 for this cause
Too much, just spend half of that and try a massage parlour.
"JuST sEe @ prOfESsi0nAL aND giT iT OVeR wiTH !!!!$@$#"
-Literally ALL of Reddit when some clearly distressed adult virgin posts something like this 🙄
You seem upset 🤷♂️
Edit: for about 200 dollars you can find happiness
I'm not interested in paying for sex, I can get it for free.
Have you gone out and tried to meet women? Have you asked your friends how they approach and talk to women? Have you tried mixing up how you talk to women?
You don't mention trying. Women are used to being approached and not very many do the approaching.
Maybe take some time away from school to work on your mental health a bit. If you flunked out of school a third time, your mental issues need to be dealt with before you return to school. Get a therapist to help you work on yourself.
Stop associating relationships with sexual exclusivity and maybe you'll finally see the light as I had around your age
It's like reading my own life story haha😂😅but a girl version 25 yrs old also😅 Sometimes you would feel really sad of not having a relationship. I tried dating apps too but I don't know if it will work🥹
You and OP should go on a date sometime lol
OP let's meet lol 😁😅
Killing urself for being a virgin is worse than being a virgin like imagine ur parents were to find out that’s the reason
Sex isn't all that it's hyped out to be. Relationships either. You don't know what you have till you lose it. Work on improving yourself and getting ahead. Everything else will follow.
Save up and book a one-week trip to Thailand. Have sex with 5 prostitutes. Tell them all you're a virgin so you're not nervous. Lose your inhibitions about sex. Return to your home country and be a normal person.
Great. Exploit the poor people and strengthen the stereotype. No wonder they don't like us.
It’s how they make their living though - would you prefer them to be hungry ?
Sounds like u’re enthralled in a darkness in which I can help bring to light. U trynna link? I can show u a time
Dont beat yourself up about it. You should just find a way to live with it one way or the other or else. You'll end up worse maybe dead. And i dont think you want that. And you dont have to have any relationships or sex to be happy i've never had it either and im 22 years old but i just dont care.
If you don’t like your job get a new one, start working out, act confident, start working on yourself
It's embarrassing to be a 25 year old virgin...
That is not all that old to be a virgin. Plenty of people were where you are and are doing fine now.
It's fine to be upset about it. This sucks.
But it sounds like those emotions are affecting you a bit more than advice like "just get over it" or "it's not a big deal, I promise" can handle. In other words, sounds like you need therapy -- just some help getting yourself to a place where you're doing okay in general, and then work on getting yourself a partner.
Best advice I can give you brother is work on accepting who you are right now, and being happy with what you have. then work on taking steps to better yourself and your life, people seeing you work hard to better yourself makes them feel good and in turn like you too.
The first step to doing anything though is accepting who you are and learning to appreciate what you do already have.
OP has deleted their profile and left the chat
Didn’t seem to phase Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi etc and billions of people view them as exemplars of a morality, so how can it be shameful? Sure maybe it makes you feel lonely, or not. But it’s categorically not shameful
I totally understand how you feel. I'm a 21 virgin,and everyone around me already had sex. My friends keep telling me about they relationships and even about they're intimate life,so I had to lie that I had sex when I was 16, because I was scared that they were gonna reject me
Hi mate firstly you are feeling isolated and like a freaky alien ...Don't The larger majority of guys have felt this way ( girls the same im sure)
You will have sex good sex, bad sex , amazing sex, you will be loved you will love you will be heartbroken No one or very few people escape this in life
Because its a sensitive personal thing people aren't open about it so you feel its just you
I would never have a girl have a conversation with me, even trying to have a normal conversation nit trying to chat them up , they would move off like I'm disgusting and they are revolted by being in the same vicinity as me
Got a girlfriend and lost my virginity at 22, I felt like a freak and like there was no fit or place in life for me and that I was a drain on the world
Fortunately I was very lucky the GF was 13 years older which helped me sexually and in life ill be forever grateful because that relationship set me up for life.
I'm now in my mid 50s I get more female attention than at any point in my life, its strange I felt like a ghost id walk in a room and be ignored and repulse people it felt awful Now I see women look, look away look bad adjust their hair or start conversation, its so odd im the sane guy
Now I'm married to the best wife I can dream of who is an ex model and the most stunning women I've ever seen , which is the icing on the cake the real cake is the great amazing person she is under it
Your time will come, your sun will rise it will bring heat and light into your life BUT you'll still have your heartaches and bad tines but its ok There is nothing wrong with you but my earnest advice is don't dwell on it , don't let yourself think on all this as soon as it enters your mind think of something else and stop it
For now focus upon your self,take joy in the simple things,find friends who like the stuff you do The reality is you are fine we just can't say when our sun rises time wise but the only problem you have is letting it impact your confidence this won't help you now or in future relationships
Its only like having a bicycle some get one very young and are able to take to it , some get one soon and find it tricky , so don't get one until later but no one really worries or focuses upon not having on because thats just life this is the same
Chat to genuine people online( females) on general subjects or your hobbies just chit chat to build confidence in your social skills
If you feel so low to the points you mentioned before confine in a friend if you aren't able to you can always shoot me a msg in here
You have value , you are worthy, your day will come for now don't dwell , be confident find the habit of being genuinely happy that will draw people to you
Bro are you from India by any chance ? Just asking because you have the same story as me
Ok think about getting into a happy relationship like getting a million dollars.
You don't get a million dollars by just wanting it, you need to work to get there. Start on the foundations, that means working on yourself. For money it's learning a skill or trade and relationships are no different, find out what you love, what things interest you and challenge you and spend time on yourself.
Next it's about building your network, for money this might be a job search, professional network or volunteering but in the relationship world it's social interaction, you're not looking for "the one" here but you are building connections with friends, becoming more comfortable in social environments and learning what traits in other people you like and dislike. Start with groups based around the things you like and talk to a few people there, friends of friends are infinite!
Once you are here that's 99% of the work done and you've set the groundwork so that when you meet that person you like, you are more comfortable in your own skin and with other people around you that you will be ready to give it a go.
Don't start at the end, enjoy the journey!
Good luck!
You need to develop some self confidence. Probably the root of many of your issues.
Please take sex off of the pedestal you’ve put it on.
Bro all you feel is valid BUT just know that even in a single year many things can change. Situations and your perception changes just one small step at a time.
If you really want to get out of this shit try to change it, dont do everything you have done so far.
Also as someone who got through similar things in life I've managed to distill a piece of wisdom I'd like to share.
Dont fuck with love. Dont settle for someone you dont feel 100% and pretend that you feel something more than you do.
I know its hard but hang in there.
All you 20 something y.o. people listen. Nobody worth your time will care how many people you've slept with once you're older. Focusing on doing something worthwhile with your life is my advice for long-term happiness.
I’m 33 when i had my first sexual exp with gf. We are wlw.
So don’t feel bad on what you’re lacking. Try to be thankful first on what you have and start to appreciate everything and everyone around you. Everything else follows
In countries like Asia, being a virgin in their 20’s is totally normal. Even 30’s
Hey, it could be worse, you could be 40yo virgin. And they make a movie about it
Don't worry man, I felt the same way. I had my relationship at 15 but didn't know what to do and it ended quickly. I'm soon 29 and haven't had a relationship since. Until recently when it just happened.
During that time I was certain I'd die alone. Until suddenly something just happens. Just be open for it, don't force it. Of course you can increase your chances by trying dating. Personally I could never really get that hang of dating apps though.
It's like Toto says, "hold the line, love isn't always on time!"
I had sex once in my 20s and it was literally for a few seconds, with no orgasm, so hardly even counts.
now I am nearly 40 and I still dont have a lot of sex - infact only twice for a total count of 3.
My advice would be talk to a therapist. For me, and many others, sexual attraction requires a high degree of intimacy and trust. This is only possible when you feel comfortable being vulnerable with others.
Using an anonymous account to talk to a bunch of strangers on the internet about your problems, suggests to me that you don't feel very comfortable being honest and vulnerable with others. Having sex / relationships is about opening up. If you can't do that with your friends or family, then I will echo the advie of many others - find a therapist you feel you can work with and learn to talk about your deepest darkest fears with them, which in turn will help you to realise that it is ok to be vulnerable.
I understand that you re going through these emotions but let me tell you i m 23 and also similar like you but i have achieved more than these people out there. I m a self made millionaire and i live in switzerland all by myself. I have been to 43 countries and explored so much of life . I m going to do my masters in worlds top university as well.
Please let me tell you that chase your dreams all thesr things that you crave are just chemicals they re temporary happiness and wont be able to keep you happy in long term but chasin your own goals will.
Btw i have tonnes of girls around me now wanting me but i just keep them as my friends as i m not intrested in love or intimacy anymore.
So chase your dreams and be as much big as you can travel a lot and make ur like beautiful.
I'm 30 and I've never experienced love, no worries.
Well I am 36 and in the same boat. I thought I had found that special woman multiple times, but it turned out I wasn't so special for them. For the physical interaction you could pay a professional, but apart from that you have to learn to be self-sufficent and self-confident. Your worth as a person is not dependent on if you experienced x, y or z. Then love will be a nice bonus, but a more or less happy life without is also possible.
A problem is the feeling of being a no-swimmer and being afraid of the water, when everyone (?) you could potentially meet is already a professional swimmer and diver. I am not sure myself how to overcome that other than just confronting that fear.
Ok, hear me out:
- The best term goal is not to get married, just to lose your virginity.
- You obviously don't know how to interact with women. Do you have male friends, i.e. is this a general problem, or a gendered one?
- If it's general, work on that first.
- If it's gendered, befriend one of the successful guys and observe him in action - you might be surprised what it's possible!
- Get a copy of Tom Torrero's (horrible handle) "Daygame", which I suspect will resonate with you. You might also want to give "The Game" a try.
You have to attack this from multiple angles.
* See a doctor and get some anti-depressants and/or therapy sessions.
* Get a hobby where you meet and interact with a diverse group of people.
* Do at least some exercise, whether that's walking, lifting, sports... anything.
The hobby thing is really important. There's more to life than having sex but if all you're doing is sitting in your house bored, it might not seem that way.
The first step is the hardest but the most important.
Good luck, my guy.
If it makes you feel better there are tons of posts daily on Reddit about people being 40 and a virgin. You're not alone anymore. Being a 40 year old virgin isn't a big joke anymore.
It's a normal life for many. Lol
I feel you. Last month a saw a young couple. He was holding her so preciously. I melted, not like the awe my heart is melting, but just pure depression. Like... damn, I wish I could have that love. But, the key to finding a partner is to have confidence. It's kinda a catch22 because being lonely leaves you with 0 confidence, but you have to be the boyfriend that you want to be, and you'll find a girlfriend.
I wish I was in a relationship, just to have that connection with someone, but I'm not ready to marry anyone, I'm not financially able to be a bf, and solitude creates good thinking. So I'm not in a rush. You're significantly older, so you feel like you're in a rush, but if you aren't ready, then you aren't ready. Better to wait for the right time than to rush into something that won't benefit you.
so despite working you have hellish money problems ? recognizable
I was a jobless grad school dropout at 25 who had never been in a relationship. Got a job and shortly after met the perfect woman. I got married at 27 and am now expecting my first child at 29. You never know where life will take you just got to work on improving yourself day by day.
Hey, no BS talk. Being a virgin at 25 sucks, no other way around it, but it's not the end of the world. There's no reason to feel shame, you have done nothing wrong.
Do you really want to have sex? Go to a professional. Save 1 or 2 hundred, be open with the professional, and just get over it.
Generally speaking, on your day to day life. Start doing exercise, go to the gym, whatever. Just get on a healthy routine and get those good chemicals flowing through your brain.
Don't get obsessive over one specific aspect of your life, but only you can take control over yourself. Take action, be the change. If it's making you feel miserable, don't just accept it.
Not to be rude, but I assumed you were probably 25. I feel like younger people are more hyper focused on being a virgin or how they think other people will perceive them. You might get someone who points out how they notice you aren’t in a relationship, but the majority of people are really just paying attention to their own life.
I didn’t have sex or get into a relationship until I was older than you. No one thought it was weird that I wasn’t dating someone and they honestly would be actually able to tell if I’m a virgin or not unless I told them. Personally, I would be more worried about why you were flunking school. I feel that is something in your control that you can improve because love and relationships are kind of by chance.