I (25F) am thinking of breaking up w/ my boyfriend (26M) of three years because he keeps crossing my boundaries during sex. What should I do?

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost three years and the relationship is great in every way...except when it comes to sex. He is *normally* very respectful of me in the bedroom, but has crossed the line 3 specific times. The last time was a few weeks ago and it has me questioning if I want to continue being in this relationship.

For context, I have a chronic pain condition called IC or interstitial cystitis and sex is one of my main "triggers," i.e. having sex can cause painful flares that lasts anywhere between a week to two months.

I developed IC about 3 months into our relationship, so we went from having a very active sex life to decreasing our frequency. When I'm not flaring, we have sex. When I am, we do not, but I try to make-up for it by getting very creative in the bedroom and essentially hitting all the bases right before the home run.

The first time he crossed by boundaries was about 6 months into our relationship. He was feeling me up, but I communicated that I was flaring. We were getting very into it and he asked if we could have sex. I said, "no" but wasn't trying to kill the vibe, so I tried to say it very seductively. He asked again. I said no again. At the fourth no, I felt something go inside of me and he started thrusting. I freaked the fuck out and jumped off of him. I cussed him out and went home. We took a break for about a week and ended up reconnecting. He gave what I thought was a very genuine apology and promised it would never happen again.

And it didn't...until about a year later. I had just gotten over one of my longest flares which lasted a little over a month. I was helping him move and he suggested we shower at his old place because the new place didn't have water set up. I was hesitant at first because showering normally leads to sex and I didn't want to trigger another flare after I had just ended one. I said yes to the shower, but only if we didn't have sex. He agreed. When we go in, we immediately started making out which I was fine with. Then, he asked for sex. I said "no," very sternly this time, but he continued asking. By the fifth or sixth time I gave up and just had sex with him. It was horrible. I bursted into tears after and he asked what was wrong. When I told him he was very apologetic but said, "next time just say no." Which like come the fuck on!?!?

He was perfect for another year, until a few weeks ago. This time I wasn't flaring, but I had just gotten on Zoloft and it KILLED my sex drive. He and I hadn't done anything sexual for almost two months. In a moment of vulnerability, I broke down and told him how the Zoloft was making me become repulsed by any form of intimacy. I cried about how not having a sex drive made me feel like a horrible partner. He sat there, listened and cuddled with me. Then, he started kissing me. I found this very weird since I literally just cried about not desiring ANY intimacy. He immediately asked to have sex. I was completely in shock and said "no." But, he continued asking. I do realize that in this moment I should've stood my ground and kept saying "no," or just left his apartment entirely. But, I had felt like such a bad partner that I gave in. The sex was once again horrible. When e finished and he asked if something was wrong. I explained the situation to him and he repeated the same fucking line, "next time just say no."

I don't know what it was about this last time, maybe it's because I wasn't flaring and just had no sex drive but I have not been able to get it out of my head. The other two times I was able to forgive him and move on but now every time I see him and he does as much as hold my hand I get really anxious. I just want to know if I'm over reacting and this is a normal part of a relationship. Or if this is a serious problem.

Also side note, I have in the past suggested opening up the relationship, so that when I'm flaring and sometimes can't have sex for months at a time he can get his needs met elsewhere. He has rejected it every time I've brought it up.

TL;DR: I'm thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend of three years because he has crossed my boundaries when having sex 3 specific times. I NEED ADVICE!!

in relationship_adviceby ThrowRA222222224

748

87%

AutoModerator

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please message the mods

This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

ItsyaboiTheMainMan

2.3K

Crossing boundries during sex is one of the most legit resons for break up ever.

Excellent-Pay6235

766

Crossing boundries during sex

???? It's called rape. Consent through coercion is rape. Anything other than an enthusiastic yes is a no. She was forced to give consent even though she did not want to.

Call it for what it is. His bf sexually assaulted her. He is a rapist. She was raped.

RattusRattus

240

So, while you're correct, calling it rape doesn't necessarily help her. She's like on step 1 of 20, getting away from her abuser. Once she does that, she should have the space and time needed to process. But realistically, anyone speaking directly to the OP needs to reflect her language if they want to help her.

twilightswimmer

This. It took me years to admit what an ex really did to me for two years. It’s really hard to get to the place of acceptance.

RattusRattus

It's so different than what you see on TV, it's hard to process. Any abuse in an intimate relationship is hard to process. This person who says they care about you is hurting you. And each gender has their own problems. For women, they're socialized and have learned how to people please for safety. Men are working on getting everyone to recognize they can be assaulted.

Be proud of yourself for leaving, because it's fucking hard, and society doesn't make it easier.

Alive-Wrap-5161

Yeah one of the harder pills to swallow in life was that just because someone loves you doesn’t They won’t lie to you/hurt you.

Excellent-Pay6235

I am sorry if my comment was triggering to you. It was not my intention at all. :/

I hope you are in a better place now.

Zoobies2w3

You can tell that wasn’t your intent. I’m a forensic nurse that works with survivors of violence (domestic violence, sexual assault, etc.) One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t tell someone how to feel about what happened to them. I’ve sat with many domestic abuse survivors and they’ve told me stories about them being raped by their partner but it’s obvious they don’t see it as rape, though they know that it wasn’t right. I learned after one encounter I had that it wasn’t right for me to push that on the person because they already had so much going on that if their eyes were opened to the reality of the rape, they wouldn’t be able to cope any longer because they were already barely holding on. Now, when people tell me that stuff, I tell them that what they are describing to me is concerning, that at minimum their partner did not respect their wishes and some people in their situation may feel sexually violated while others may not. I offer them the domestic violence resources and the sexual assault resources and just tell them, “You don’t have to take either if you don’t want them. I want to offer you as many resources as possible, even if you don’t need them now, just in case in the future you or someone you know might need them.”

I also try not to tell people who come in disclosing/flagging for domestic violence that that’s what they are experiencing unless they have used those words or are seemingly accepting of the severity of their situation. I’ll test that by asking: how do you feel about your situation? What would you tell someone else who is experiencing what you are? Etc. Sometimes cognitive dissonance is the only way people can make it through what they are going through and the last thing I want to do is rip that last coping mechanism from them but I also don’t want to lie. It’s a fine line of meeting someone where they are at and bread crumbing them to where they need to be without overwhelming them.

MariposaJones66

Thank you for your direct honesty.

Yes, the R word is incredibly triggering. But keep in mind that generations of women were taught to believe that being coerced was ultimately their fault. Especially with romantic partners or spouses!

The action of sexual coercion or ignoring boundaries needs to be addressed. It's time that the message is put out there. This is NEVER ok. Let's make it known.

twilightswimmer

Oh you’re fine. You didn’t trigger me. I knew that wasn’t your intent. It’s both useful to hear it as rape but also to know it takes a long time to accept that.

XxFierceGodxX

Actually, as someone who has been in abusive situations, getting this kind of clarity would have helped me a ton.

Excellent-Pay6235

I see. You make a fair point. For me personally, if I ever faced this same scenario, having the realisation that I was raped will probably help me more to seek out help and get out of the relationship. But not everyone is the same and I can understand that it will not be helpful to everyone.

HappyHappyJoyJoy44

And then proceeded to gaslight her every time by saying 'next time just say no". Also, the fact he's forcing her to do something he knows will cause her pain for his own sick pleasure is beyond fucked up. I can't imagine knowingly doing something that would cause my partner pain.

XxFierceGodxX

This. OP’s bf is raping her.

Sorry_I_Guess

He didn't "cross her boundaries". He raped her. Three times. And then blamed her for it.

She said no, she made it very clear that she not only didn't want to have sex but that it would be painful for her, and he kept pushing until she gave in, which is rape by coercion. Hell, the first time he just plain raped her, didn't even bother to get a reluctant agreement.

He's not "crossing boundaries", she's using that term because she can't cope with the fact that her boyfriend has raped her three times in as many years. Please don't use the language that she is using to cope to reinforce that what he did is just "offensive". What he did was criminal. He raped her.

Just-Concentrate3017

Yeah, I'm sitting here thinking like... "So girl her coerced you into sex 3 times.. he raped you 3 times.. Yes that's a good reason for breaking up" not only did he rape her he gaslit her twice by saying "just say no next time" after she had already told him no MULTIPLE times.. that shit is tough I can't imagine if my partner had did that to me I'd feel broken.

Solid_Chemist_3485

1.7K

You can’t trust this guy.

-Sharon-Stoned-

1.1K

"my partner has repeatedly raped me. How do I fix him?"

Barf, OP, run away

mooneyedwitch

275

I hate to be morbid, but you can tell he enjoys it. If he didn't, he wouldn't have declined opening up the relationship OR he would've been just like, nah babe, sex isn't the most important thing because I love YOU. OP needs to get out.

chickenfightyourmom

Yep. "Why didn't you say no, then?" is the very definition of gaslighting. OP said no. He kept pushing until he was able to coerce her. Then afterwards, he blamed her to being coerced. Fucking awful. OP, please get away from this man. He's a bad person.

linerva

219

Late 30s Female

This.

When he penetrated you after you repeatedly said no, it was rape. When he engineered a shower situation to get sexual and then pestered you for sex repeatedly, refusing to stop when you said no, until you said yes, it was also rape. A coerced yes is a no.

You shouldn't have to try to engineer your life to "prevent flareups" of rape. You have a partner who repeatedly ignores when you say no, and rapes you, then blames you for not being clear enough, and does it again later. This is what an abusive relationship looks like - you are being sexually abused by the person you are in a relationship with.

In a normal healthy relationship, you only need to express disinterest once, and your partner leaves you alone. If I'm not feeling like sex, I can walk around naked and my husband will not lay a hand (or other body part) on my body and I can trust him to not go further than what I agree to. And vice versa. Every single time.

You need tl end this relationship. You are not safe, and he will keep raping you. Guaranteed. Rapists and abusers don't go "well I assaulted someone multiple times but now I might stop doing it" - their beh6usually escalates as they realise that they arent getting punished for harming others.

Because he knows that you cannot stop him, he knows that no matter how many times you say no, he can force it on you. Snd he doesn't care if you want to have sex or not. He dorsnt care about what you are comfortable with or boundaries are. He just does not care about you.

The sooner you leave, the sooner you stop this from happening.

XxFierceGodxX

A quick note to OP—leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Please be careful planning and making your escape.

-Sharon-Stoned-

I have narcolepsy and often start up sexy times and then fall asleep. My husband thinks it's incredibly frustrating because obviously all activity stops as soon as I start to drift off. There is no question or hesitation. He says he's literally turned off by the idea of having sex with someone who isn't actively wanting the sex.

You gotta find a partner like that

JustAnArtist01

My ex didn’t listen when I didn’t want to have sex after we broke up. He became a permanent ex. OP needs to make him a permanent ex.

ThatCanadianLady

This! Holy crap....

JSghetti

She can’t trust him and that’s why her body becomes anxious around him. He broke her trust. Listen to your gut OP, your body is telling you that this person is the cause of your pain, anxiety, and stress.

Alarmed_Jellyfish555

181

You can never trust a rapist.

ConstructionNo9678

Exactly. A "you can say no" is meaningless if that no will not be respected. Even if he somehow didn't believe her the first time she said it, the multiple other times she refused SHOULD have been enough.

It's even scummier to me because from the way she describes each of these times, he is seeking out sex when they have already established she isn't feeling it. He is fully sober. He knows she doesn't want sex. He is also choosing times when he knows she will be more vulnerable and easy to pressure. This guy is breaking her down on purpose.

Schifferisabel

'Tis what they do best. Although whether he's high or not, it would still not be an excuse.

ConstructionNo9678

I fully agree, it isn't a valid reason to ignore her. I only mentioned it because I know that some people will use it as an excuse, and he doesn't deserve the luxury of being defended.

Schifferisabel

It's easier for them to blame drugs and alcohol rather than admit that they raped someone. That's the only reason I can think that someone could do something like that and not reflexively throw up every time they looked at themselves in the mirror (I was going to say something much worse)

tatonka645

Right? What adult can’t tell if their partner is into it or not. You describe being in pain and on the verge of tears. He either doesn’t understand your words or your behavior or he does and is ignoring them. I don’t know which is worse.

Gullible-Exchange972

724

He coerces you to have sex after you’ve said no. You know what this is called, right?

charlottelennox

406

She probably doesn't know what it's called, since we now live in a world where "rape" was omitted in favor of a grape emoji here in the comments.

OP, the word is RAPE. Your boyfriend is raping you. He cares more about getting off than he does about your feelings, your pain, or your autonomy, and that is why he has raped you at least three times, so far. It will be more if you stay with him. Please do yourself a favor and dump your rapist boyfriend.

Excellent-Pay6235

THANK YOU. I wrote the exact same thing on a reply to the top comment.

XxFierceGodxX

I was startled some people thought it wasn’t helpful for us to explain that this is rape.

Agreeable-Celery811

103

I think a lot of people aren’t aware of coercion, which is why this guy is able to get away with, “you could just say no!”

When your partner says no several times, but you whine and wheedle and ask again and again, and pester and sulk and keep asking, usually they will finally agree, and that is not consent.

OP, definitely break up with this guy. And in the future, use this handy trick. Say no the first time, and when your partner asks again, you very sternly say, “I already said no. Are you going to respect my no, or are you going to try to coerce me?” Naming what they’re doing usually shuts them up, but if it doesn’t, absolutely just leave and don’t give them a third chance.

Schifferisabel

My 2-day-old ex wasn't this bad but he would whine and guilt me into it which made me want it even less. He'd come up behind me and start dry humping me or I'd be watching a show and he would just start grabbing my boobs and rubbing up against me. It was annoying because it was literally all he talked about and would somehow turn everything he said or I said into a dirty joke. Beg me for sex until I said yes just to get it over and done with.

He would start touching himself and moaning randomly when we were in bed and it always made me think of those men who will rub one off as they stare at you on a bus. Creeped the hell out of me. When I talked to him about it, he said that he didn't realize he was doing it because he was asleep. Never did it again after I pointed it out. I may have had bad sexual experiences in the past and sometimes I just don't want to be touched.

Agreeable-Celery811

I have a very high libido and I still wouldn’t have sex with a guy who came at me like that.

XxFierceGodxX

With certain forms of coercion, i.e. lying about dealbreakers, the legal system does not recognize an assault as a rape. That may contribute to some of the confusion over recognizing coercion as rape.

bigskymind

Sex not “sec”.

JustAnArtist01

Probably autocorrect, my phone will do that too.

RayaQueen

Autocorrect does not like the sexual words!

kmcaulifflower

Early 20s Female

uHm I think you mean the secual words /s

JustAnArtist01

Nope lol it’s too prude 😂

RayaQueen

Keeping us all from moral degradation (/freedom), one error at a time XD

Ok_Introduction9466

863

He’s sexually assaulting you and you’re thinking about ending it? You absolutely need to. He’s not safe to be around. The “next time just say no” thing is horrible, he is gaslighting you and it’s really scary. Please break up with him in a text, don’t dump him in person. He’s a rapist. Coercion is rape. No means no. He’s violating you and it’s been going on for years. Please end it asap. I’m so sorry.

lasadgirl

Please break up with him in a text, don’t dump him in person.

OP u/ThrowRA222222224 please please listen to this, and if you need to do any exchange of belongings please have friends or family present. You've been through enough and I guarantee he will attempt to coerce/guilt you into having "goodbye sex" with him (not to mention will probably try to convince you not to break up with him) and this time when you say no he may not even bother to repeatedly ask until he breaks you down - he'll just do it. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING. He DOES NOT CARE whether or not you want to have sex. He DOES NOT CARE if you're in pain during sex. This is NOT normal. Normal people don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them. Normal people don't want to have sex with someone if they're in pain and/or it's potentially going to cause them months of more pain.

Please consider finding yourself a good therapist who specializes in sexual assault/abuse. This is going to hit you like a ton of bricks sooner or later and you'll get through it so much easier if you have a professional to explain and guide you through the emotions and thoughts you're going to experience. And please know this is NOT your fault, no matter what. Humans come up with all kinds of rationalizations, justifications, and ways to blame ourselves when someone, especially someone we care about, hurts us. As unproductive as it seems, it's our brains way of protecting itself from the pain. Even though it unfortunately sometimes keeps us from getting ourselves away from danger, because our brain has convinced itself that we're not in danger. Trauma does crazy shit to us. That word is thrown around a lot these days, but my dear that is what he's put you through. You don't deserve that, ever again and you never did. It's time to tell your brain to wake up and realize there is danger, and take the steps you need to truly protect yourself from it and not just convince yourself it's not happening. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve it and it was not your fault. It is not normal and you do need to get away and stay away.

Wickednonsense

This right here. Couldn't say it better myself.

homeofthewildhag

This, and also if you got a condition that limits sex three months into the relationship that means something. I got all kind of painful shit when I was with my ex…afterwards I understood why. My body was trying to warn me the best way it knew how. I’d end it immediately, and the boundary crossing is enough explanation.

Kubuubud

YES THIS IS HUGE!!

IC is a bladder condition, and the urinary tract is obviously closely related to our sex organs. It is likely the way he had sex with her caused this to present itself or the mental anguish of sex with this guy has caused OPs body to actively reject sex.

It sounds crazy but I have a similar experience! I had my worst flares when I was with a dude who didn’t respect my boundaries. After therapy and dumping him, my symptoms decreased significantly. These conditions are frequently triggered by stress and our emotional state. If you listen to your body, it’ll tell you when someone isn’t right for yoi

Snotttie

Yeah he raped you. I am so sorry

Hopeful_Sector9600

Just to clarify what’s already been said: you can be in a relationship, single or even married for 20 years. NO MEANS NO. I’m so sorry you went through this but you should definitely not have to put up with someone who can’t respect you or control their own selves. My deepest thoughts are with you while you find a way to maneuver through this.

MistyRess

He is raping her. Let’s not dilute that with the word sexual assault.

Ok_Introduction9466

You’re right.

meSuPaFly

106

How many times do you need to say "no" and him to say "next time just say no" for you to comprehend the seriousness of this problem?

Certain_Paper_9792

You only need to say “no” once. End of discussion. Only reply should be “ok.”

VirgoLuv87

187

Anyone who crosses your boundaries in your most vulnerable state should be dumped asap. It's not ok.

AnonymousLilly

He is very disrespectful about it. Blatantly ignoring her. I didn't even read the whole post after the first part I stopped because honestly that was a enough. No 4 times and he still did it. Done

Itsasweeetlife

301

The third time has MAJOR alarm bells going off. Gives the impression that he gets turned on having sex with you when you specifically say you can’t or don’t want to. You just got done crying to him about not having a sex drive due to medication and he immediately tries to initiate sex!?!? This guy is treating you like a body he can have sex with and not a person he lives

CanuckGinger

That was my exact thought as well he gets off on sexually assaulting her when she says she explicitly says she does not want to have sex with him. I’m not sure how many times OP needs to ride this roller coaster to get the message that it isn’t going to change.

mws375

This guy is treating you like a body he can have sex with and not a person he lives

OP has got to stop for a second and think "if the situation was inverted, would I do this to my partner whom I love?"

Dude is clearly abusing her and doesn't care about her wellbeing, and he doesn't value her as she seems to value him

desecrated_throne

🍰

133

OP, I am so sorry to tell you this but coercion is not consent. You did not consent to the sex your partner forced on you. You did not do anything wrong, you didn't need to "try harder"; your partner assaulted you. Multiple times.

You would be absolutely one hundred percent justified in ending the relationship. You cannot trust someone who coerces you into intimacy and then places the blame on you - "next time just say 'no'." - that was rape.

Please do not subject yourself to this any longer. The anxiety you feel could very well be trauma manifesting. You deserve better than this.

JustMMlurkingMM

Let’s not try to be polite here. He doesn’t respect you. He’s a rapist. You can’t stay.

Princess-Pancake-97

104

It makes perfect sense that you can’t forgive him and are repulsed by him. He raped you 3 times and your survival instincts are screaming at you to get away from him. Listen to your gut before his behaviour gets worse (and it will).

My ex did all the same things your bf is doing to you and he escalated as time went on. It starts with “I couldn’t help myself” and coercing you into saying ‘yes’ by pestering you until you do or punishing you for saying ‘no’. Then they start taking advantage of you while you’re vulnerable and cannot say ‘no’, when you’re inebriated, when you’re asleep, when you’re sick or hurt.

Then they stop caring about making it look like an “accident” or a “misunderstanding” and it becomes blatant and violent, and you blame yourself for giving them the benefit of the doubt that “maybe they just didn’t know” what they’re doing is rape. They know. They’ve always known. They don’t care. It’s intentional. They get off on it.

Remember, a person who loves you, cares about you, and respects you would be horrified to learn that they crossed your sexual boundaries. If crossing your boundaries was truly unintentional, he would be devastated by how he’s hurt you. He wouldn’t be pushing the blame onto you. He certainly wouldn’t do it a second or third time.

roxieh

now every time I see him and he does as much as hold my hand I get really anxious. I just want to know if I'm over reacting and this is a normal part of a relationship.

This is a normal reaction to trauma, which he has caused you by assaulting you.

He can understand the word no. He knows what it means. I'm sure he's not stupid. But he has repeatedly justified to himself that it's okay to ignore your lack of consent for his own pleasure.

Of course you'd be feeling wary around him.

You should listen to the part of you telling him to break up with him. It's entirely justified and valid.

roxieh

I explained the situation to him and he repeated the same fucking line, "next time just say no."

Also this just breaks my heart. You DID say no. He ignored you. Not all monsters look like monsters. Some of them look like the people we love.

Pye23

He is flipping the script and gaslighting you. I’m sure you know the answer to your problem. Leave him.

XxFierceGodxX

Yep, gaslighting her on top of everything, so awful.

Quirky-Lemon8579

I experienced a lot of sexual coercion with my ex, and my reaction was exactly the same. It made me scared to initiate or accept any kind of physical contact with him, for fear that he would try to turn it into sex. Ending the relationship was hard, but I have felt so much less stressed and anxious since we broke up.

OP, please consider leaving him. In my experience, that anxiety only gets worse the longer you stay with him. Sexual coercion is a really hard thing to get past in a relationship, and you deserve so much better.

roxieh

Yes I've experienced the same too although not to the extent of OP. Just young men who don't consider women are actually human entities outside of themselves and not there to dish out sex.

ShoulderDelicious807

295

You should have dumped him after the first encounter, which was not sex but rather r***. Please leave him and see a therapist.

CupcakeGoat

136

You can say rape. It's rape.

Certain_Paper_9792

RAPE! Say it out loud so no matter what gender, gender you identify with, pronoun you use that is questioning this hear it loud and clear. There should be no filter for the world. No means no! Edited after corrected: I should not have said only women.

halfawatermelon69

Men too... :/

Certain_Paper_9792

I apologize and you are 100000% correct. I will edit it now.

vegangoat

This breaks my heart to read. Your body is telling you that you don’t feel safe with this person because they’ve repeatedly violated you. Once you remove yourself far away from this person you’ll be able to heal.

lilchocochip

…the relationship is great in every way… except when it comes to sex

Let me fix that for you: “the relationship is great as long as I ignore the fact that he is perfectly fine with raping me when I’m suffering from a medical condition and clearly telling him no.”

OP, please. He’s not sorry; it’s not a mistake. He just doesn’t care about you or how you feel as long as he can use your body to make himself feel good.

Badknees24

I'm so sad that there are women who can literally get raped by their own bf and still don't know whether they should break up. Where did we go SO wrong?

pondering_that7890

That's the real question. We, as a society, raised theses boys. I think a bit of historical analysis can lead us to understand why things were wrong for women since a long ass time. Not a long time ago, this was the reality for the majority of us. No wonder OP is questioning herself, we all come from a long long line of raped women and abuser males, it is the harsh reality. And today is time to change this shit narrative but it takes time...

Op break the chains and the narrative Be the hero of your own story and ditch that motherfucker

ThrowRAbunnny

130

I bet when you'll break up and find a non predator normal boyfriend, your sex drive will be just fine regarding zoloft. Also, someone who understands your condition and isn't acting like a rapist will also help. Dump him NOW this guy is raping you and pretends like he doesn't understand it

Massive_Letterhead90

It's very normal to get lowered sex drive from Zoloft (speaking from both personal experience and having read about the side effects.)

Not saying this guy deserves sex. He doesn't, he deserves getting dumped. (I wonder how much of OP'S current depression is caused by him?)

If OP wants to date new people however I'd advise her to discuss her medication and her sex drive with her doctor. There are newer antidepressants that are less likely to affect her like this.

LonelyCheeto

Antidepressants can lower sex drive but I’m also curious to what extent op’s sex drive is affected by how bf is acting. Of course you’re not into it if you don’t feel safe with your partner

AdditionalHabit1278

That's it too. She is learning she can't even be emotionally vulnerable with him without him wanting sex. That's so gross and would make me feel icky too.

TraditionalNetwork75

This isn’t good advice bc I’ve been on Zoloft and with a partner I was very attracted to and still had no physical feeling to even want sex. Genital numbness.

Monalisa9298

He has repeatedly raped you, OP. Break up with him.

Environmental-Age502

This isn't crossing boundaries hun.

The first incident is very very clearly r4pe, and the other two are coercion at best.

He is assaulting you.

Cevohklan

Exactly.

Browneyedgal21

🍰

They all sound like rapes

tiacalypso

A man who penetrates your vagina after you have declined vaginal penetration, is called a _rapist_. This isn't crossing boundaries, it's rape. Even if he does it "gently", even if it's "just a finger" and even if it isn't physically violent the way rape is portrayed on TV. You said no, several times. He ignored your no and proceeded as he wanted. He is a rapist. He will not learn to accept your boundaries ever, from what you have described. He had plenty of learning opportunities and if I'm honest, learning NOT to rape someone is an incredibly easy skill to develop. The bar is so low it's in hell.

To keep yourself safe, here are my recommendations:

Break up with him via text message, if you can.
Draft the text message in your phone's note pad. Say something akin to "Dear boyfriend, I am breaking up with you in this message. It has now happened three times that I have declined vaginal penetration and you have penetrated my vagina against my will anyway. Why did you even bother asking if you were going to ignore my answer? You have violated my consent, my body and my trust three times. You are a rapist. You are not safe to be my romantic partner, or, frankly, anyone's romantic partner. (Mention if you will or will not take legal action.) You will be blocked immediately after I have sent this message. Do not bother replying. Do not come to my home. Do not contact me in any way. Goodbye (insert your name)"
After drafting the message, block him on all your social media, your phone number, your email and whatever channels you may have open to him. The only messaging app you should leave open is the one that you will text him on.
Then, copy-paste the drafted message into the only messaging app where he is blocked. After that, block him immediately. Do not get into discussions, do not negotiate, do not relent. Hold your boundary like it's an Apple share you bought in 1995.
Seek therapy.
If need be, let your friends know you broke up and that you are entirely unwilling to receive communication from him.

WhatiworetodayinNY

Love this detailed response- I just think in 4 I was wondering if you meant " on the only messaging app where he isnt blocked.?

Also want to add: if you live together or have your things at his home: Take tomorrow or the following day off work, go to his place (if you live separately) while he's at work and remove your things. If you live together, take the day to find a new apartment or friend (even a hotel) to move in with (even if only temporarily while you get things settled). Speak to your landlord and explain the situation that you are not safe with your ex and and ask to be removed from the lease - if you need to pay do so. The important thing is to remove your things from the apartment or home and get our before you send the message. You can also get some friends to do this for you after you send the message - just put "so and so will be coming by on x day to bring your stuff (if he has items at your place) and remove the rest of mine" . If you live together take the essentials and put in your message that you will be having someone pick up your items in the next several days and that you will take things up legally if anything is destroyed or damaged. Take pics before you leave as well, for evidence.

Op good luck- I'm so sorry this happened to you and I know there are amazing men out there who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. I went through something similar and my husband now is a wonderful man who makes me feel nothing but safe and loved. My dms are open if you need additional support or just to chat. Good luck!

Dull-Lavishness5533

Wow this is such a helpful detailed step by step plan that makes absolute sense. This needs to be spread more to other people as a blueprint, unfortunately.

tiacalypso

Thanks! :)

I repeat variations of this comment whenever I come across a post like the above… :( It‘s sad but necessary.

ForkFace69

You don't want to be in a relationship where you occasionally have to be raped.

pipluplover07

So he raped you multiple times, hope that helps

Kaye_242

He does not respect you. You’ve told him no and he did not listen, but then guilts you for stating no and basically implying you should’ve stood firm on your no after he’s finished. That’s gross. I’m sure you’ve already had a discussion with him about this. Imo it enough of a pattern to realize that he will continually do this, even if it’s an annual occurrence.

pondering_that7890

"Time for my yearly rape" 😭

daddy_tywin

I would literally rather sew my own holes shut than have sex with a caveman like this. Next.

Kevix-NYC

it sounds like he has an issue with consent and boundaries. you have developed a fear of him because he crosses your boundaries. and he gives lame excuses when he harms you. the issue is that you are gaslighting yourself rather than put the blame on him for causing you harm. you are doing too much to accommodate his abuse. no is a complete sentence. if you have intercourse without consent, guess what that is called? Its not sex. he ignored a medical issue that lead to you having pain. why would anyone stay with such a person?

Inner-Ad-1308

Yes, dump him

TinyEstablishment960

That's a nope from me, dawg. Interesting that when your meds start to kick in, that you are able to see the situation more clearly for what it is and not just push it down into self-loathing about not being constantly available to meet his sexual needs. Aside from the fact that he is not taking no for an answer several times (which is coercion), and apart from him then telling you that you should have just said no (ignorant, victim -blaming, gaslighting behaviour), and apart from him waiting until he'd finished before noticing / acknowledging that you were upset (r*pey and dehumanising), and apart from him not acknowledging your physical distress, he also didn't care about your emotional distress, either because you felt upset about your lost libido, or because you really didn't want to have sex. Also, when you're flaring, I'm guessing you have at least pain or discomfort even when you're not having sex, but you are going out of your way to meet his needs. What lengths does he go to to meet yours? Does he give you cuddles? Massages? Is there any way you can climax without pain, and does he offer that? Or is it all about HIM and HIS needs? He's a jerk, and if your description is accurate, he's a criminal as well. I think some therapy might be good for you because I think you may start to realise more and more things that were not right or about his behaviour, and it would be good to talk them through so that you can feel more confident in knowing and setting your boundaries. All the best with everything, OP.

Frequent-Package-607

Stop thinking about breaking up with him.

Just f’ing do it. I mean what an AH! Do you think he is actually concerned for your well-being?

Character_Language95

I’m going with the group on this one. Not acceptable.

Sea_Boat9450

Yeet this dude into the sun

Railuki

OP, this is important: He is raping you. Coersion is a form of rape.

Every single time he has done that to you, he has caused you pain. Then he gaslights you after as if you hadn't been saying no.

Even if he is perfect 100% of the rest of the time, this is at least 3 examples of rape. He has raped you at least 3 times.

Please leave him. Prioritise your safety when you do, do NOT worry about his feelings.

Serenityph

I work in vaginal health and for me this is a terrible red flag and a hard no. This guy is not your man. You can’t build a life with someone like him. You have a medical condition and it will likely get worse being with him.

On another topic have you ever tested for Ureaplasma as this is often something we see in IC sufferers. It’s interesting that you developed IC after meeting this guy.

I have a fact sheet on Ureaplasma which I can post or check out r/ureaplasma

ThrowRA222222224

Yeah I tested positive for ureaplasma and he was the one that transferred it to me. We both were on doses of antibiotics and it's now cleared up. I still have the ic symptoms though and my doctors theorized it's because it was in my body for so long (it took my 8 months and MULTIPLE doctors for it so get tested).

Serenityph

Have you tested lately? And with a break of 6 to 8 weeks from your last dose of antibiotics?

Professional_Lie7831

I was searching for a post like this, I also think its interesting she's developed this condition after meeting this guy, definitely seems like things really aren't compatible, and her body is telling her that!

You deserve so much better OP. Drop that man right now, and seek support and help to move forward.

Serenityph

Yes it appears that he passed on Ureaplasma, a really difficult to test & treat infection, known to cause persistent UTIs and other symptoms.

I have had it myself and work in this area. How a guy treats you when you have vaginal issues, causing sex to be painful, really speaks volumes.

tunesmythe

I think it's pretty clear that you are not sexually compatible with your rapist.

2indapink8indastink

Being in a position where penetrating is physically possible at a time when your medical condition stops you from being able to enjoy it shows how much of an effort you are making as a lover to not let your partner be affected. Any man would be lucky to have you as their girl. You should be able to be at your most vulnerable and feel safe at all times, never mind the fact you are putting yourself in that position for him. That’s a no go. You deserve so much better

dancewithme12345

Imagine what he'll do in the future. Do you want someone like this to be around your family, maybe future children? He's assaulting you whenever he feels like it. You need to get rid of him. Tell him when you're not alone with him. Talk to a lawyer if you need legal advice on how to separate completely. Good luck

Beneficial_Train_766

Break up with him in a public space, or by phone, and tell a close friend maybe have them with you. You were sexually assaulted by this guy who doesnt actually listen to 'no' you giving in eventually was dunious consent at best. Dont give him another chance, as i feel eventually hes going to stop asking altogether. He has shown he doesnt really care about you and you need to look out for yourself.

Itchy-Wing-2976

coercion is rape OP. get out.

Inevitable-Bet-4834

Wow so this guy is a rapist.

echosiah

Your body is reacting to him around you like this now because he is DANGEROUS and you know that. You react to him like people do to...people who have abused them, because that's what he is doing to you!

Please reframe the language. He is not just "crossing your boundaries", he is sexually assaulting you. I'm not trying to be pedantic, but it's a thing OPs do when they post here, using language that minimizes or skirts around what is really happening, because they don't want to name the thing and make it real.

What would YOU advise someone who is asking what to do about someone they are in a relationship with who is sexually assaulting them?

Arsomni

He raped you

Kteagoestotx

Mam you just described rap3

RB_Kehlani

OP, you can leave him or I can run him over with a car. These are the options on the table at this point

ashant1983

Hes a rapist. Report him to the police.

DanteHicks79

Throw the whole man away. He doesn’t respect you or your agency over your body.

Not_Invited

You're right, he's been raping you via coersion. I'm so, so sorry. The way he has nagged you for sex IS abuse. He's pulled down your barriers and taken advantage of you in vulnerable states and then had the nerve to blame YOU for not saying No when you absolutely did??? Kick him to the curb and seek out some therapy, he fucking sucks.

SoundMany7012

he has raped u on multiple occasions. break up with him

ConiferousSquid

"Next time just say no"

You said no multiple times. Why is this even a question?

VenomRek

I think he’s just trying to rape you for fun

EveryBrodyMovieYT

Exactly. He's turned on by her saying no, and, more disturbingly, it seems like he's turned on by the prospect of causing her pain.

And that first scenario was straight up rape ("on the fourth no, I felt something go inside me...")!

No no no no. Throw the whole man away.

VenomRek

Exactly

Dont_look_at_me5

He is a complete weirdo with no understanding of consent or boundaries. What’s crazier is the gas lighting afterwards to shift blame onto you for “not saying no.” You felt coerced into giving in after you turned him down SEVERAL TIMES. That is not acceptable, and you deserve better. There have been times where I really crave my wife and the feeling is not mutual. If she says no the first time the conversation is over. Please have a final talk with him and leave. Maybe with the next girl he will have learned a lesson or two on how not to be rapey.

musicman24599

Run. He clearly doesn't understand what the word "no" means. I would honestly think about if you feel violated enough to call the cops, because this is rape. Flat out. You said no and he did it anyway

EveryFairyDies

First and foremost, he raped you. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I don’t think you realise it.

Secondly, this will just continue. He clearly gets off on forcing you. The first time, he tested your boundaries. You said no, he raped you, you reacted by throwing him out and cutting him off.

So now he knows not to do that. But he has learned he can bully you into it. And he gets off on it. If he can’t rape you, he can bully you to change a no to a yes, regardless of how you’re feeling (as in, whether you’re in physical or emotional pain).

OP, please, for the love of whatever god(s) you may have ever once believed in, BREAK UP WITH HIM. This behaviour will not stop. He does not care about you. He does not respect you. He views you solely as an object for his pleasure and use.

When in doubt, OP, imagine what you’d say if a friend came to you with this story. What advice would you? What would you tell them to do? How would describe these acts he’s done? You know the answer to that. Just because you’re the one in the relationship does not change what this is.

FollowingDistinct468

Girl, wtf? Why in the hell did you stay with him that long? After the first time I would have left that mf and called the police. He’s been causally raping you and you don’t even see it. Girl LEAVE!

PUNKLMNOP

This guy cares more about getting his rocks off than your medical condition. You HAVE told him no. Multiple times. I think it’s time to move on and give your poor heart and body a break.

SugarMagOG

I hate that along with a NO, there needs to be a list of the reasons until (hopefully) one is acceptable. It’s a mind fuck bc when the one person in the world who is supposed to care for you and keep you safe doesn’t, it’s just a cold reminder that you serve one and only one purpose to them. I’m sorry op.

HavocHeaven

You’re dating a rapist who blames you every time he hurts you

Bonesmakesoundsnow

This is called rape. Your boyfriend is raping you. Then he's gaslighting you by saying that next time you should just say "no."

Your boyfriend is a literal rapist.

plantstand

Creepy af.

Edit: grey rock if you think you might be in danger

SchoolGirl93

I’m convinced that men look at us women as only a an object of sexual pleasure to please only themselves and not see us as actual people.

He’s disgusting DUMP HIM NOW he is not worthy of the vagina let alone your love or respect. He’s disrespectful and disgusting

Vast-Park-4101

Hes 🍇ing you, please run. Seriously.

roxieh

You can say the word rape here, it's okay.

Da_Di_Dum

Never date someone you can't trust to respect your boundaries.

Hobbington9496

If he doesn't respect a firm no he's a rapist

Asealas

Enough people have said he is an asshole and rapist, so I'm not gonna say much on that topic. Leave, don't reconnect with him.

Important thing is, you should seek out therapy. You probably need it to process what was done to you. You definitely need it to learn how to keep yourself safe. Take it from someone who had a friendship with quite a bit of sexual assault in it, which went on for far to long.

You said no enough times, and he is to blame for doing anything without consent. But you are to blame for allowing this to happen again and again. Listen lady, when you said no 4 times and agreed by the 5th time he asked, it shows him that he can make you do anything if he pesters you enough. It shows him that "no" doesn't actually mean "no" but "you haven't asked enough yet". To tell it in the bluntest way possible: He's a rapist, you're a doormat.

Please, don't let anyone ever walk all over you like this again! Do not allow this person, or any other person who doesn't give a shit about your consent and wellbeing to use you ever again. It's really really important for you to learn how to stick with a no, and how to leave situations that harm you.

I'm not saying this to take any blame away from him and put it on you. I'm saying this because if you allowed one person to treat you like this, the risk is very high that you'll allow another person to treat you like this again. It becomes a pattern. At some point we fall for the abusive ones again and again, because we know how abusive relationships work. They are familiar to us and we fall for familiar.

The first step is to leave this person. The second step is to protect yourself from people like him in the future. Therapy guides you in this process. I hope you find the strength to leave and protect yourself. Heal well ❤️‍🩹

Artistic_Arrival_445

Dude he is a man , and has needs ,it is wrong he hurt you no doubt in that , but me being a person with high libido ,I understand him better,so it's better you call it quits and go for a asexual man ,or give him the permission to go for sex with someone.

BeltRevolutionary423

The first time was concerning, and he should have apologized as he did. But the last two were your choice. You said yes, he could have easily been thinking the foreplay finally got you going, none of us can read minds.

If a salesman keeps trying to make a sale after someone says no over and over, you don't blame the salesman for the bad purchase. You blame yourself. It was still your choice, ultimately.

Don't want sex, don't relent or give in. Just set the boundaries, "If you ask or push one more time, I'm leaving, I've said no and don't want to keep repeating myself" for instance.

This sounds like a bad sexual match overall, so I still think you end it with him. You both deserve to have better sexual compatibility.

EngineeringDry7999

So he’s raped you three times. Why are you still with him?

Akdar17

A wonderful relationship with a rapist ("great guy" tm).

OkPhilosopher1313

You're underreacting. What he does is sexual coercion which is also rape.

Don't trust him and don't break up with him face to face but over the phone. And if you need to pick up stuff at his place or he needs to pick up stuff at your place. Make sure that you have a male family member with you.

I'm so sorry you have had these horrible experiences.

mrsmorris710

Honey, this man doesn't respect you. Nothing else matters, honestly. He refused to accept your answers each time. Gross. Toss the whole man in the bin.

Icy_Aldareel

Run away 🫶

MistyRess

I’m sorry but you need to think very seriously about this relationship. It is very telling that your body developed IC after being in a relationship with him. The body keeps the score! So I wonder if your body knows he isn’t a great person or perhaps there are other red flags or he may even be hiding very serious issues he has (I mean he has raped you 3x…) but if I were you I would leave him ASAP.

ThatMovieShow

I read at least one of these stories per day.

No means no. He knows when you say no and mean it, he's just ignoring it and dipping his toes into sexual assault.

Tell him bluntly that he's sexuallu assaulting you and unless a genuine rapist hell stop.

ncdad1

He has needs and if you two are not compatible you may need to move on. You could get great at hand and blow jobs since he just need to get off

Lina_lightwood

Did you ask him at what number of “ no’s” he will let it go ? Because apparently 4-5 times is still a “ next time just say no”. At what point does a no mean no for him ?

This is so heartbreaking to read. My boyfriend would never in a million years touch me if I don’t want to. If I don’t enjoy it, he won’t either. My boyfriend actually likes to have sex with ME not just with my body.

Please leave this man and eventually think about getting therapy. The realization that the raped you will come at some point, and it’s better to be prepared for that.

I wish you all the best

Nevroticnamaca

You tell him: how about when I say No you f.. stop pushing?

oatmilkcigarette

this is literally rape. please leave this relationship!

SivvyS

He raped you one time and then went on to coerce you. He doesn’t genuinely care about your well-being. Actions are louder than words.

whatever102485

This guy is using your vulnerability and guilt to rape you.

I called a spade a spade. You did say no. Multiple times. Each time. And he pushed forward without your permission.

You should break up with him for sure. And when he asks why, tell him that it’s because he raped you 3 times.

sp00ky_queen95

There is no fixing this. He doesn’t respect you and is a horrible person.

RaydenAdro

Um the first instance is rape. He is not “crossing boundaries”, he is sexually assaulting you.

Please leave him, report him to the police, and seek therapy.

No means no. A yes after multiple no’s is not a yes.

He is sexually assaulting you and forcing you into sex acts.

WatermelonSugar47

Early 30s

He raped you. Repeatedly. You’re under reacting if anything.

wpnsc

I agree 100% that she should be able to say no, and he shouldn't pressure her. My issue is that I don't see how this relationship is sustainable. Going 2 and 3 months at a time, not having sex with a partner that wants sex is not going to work. I think it's best you both go your own ways. Opening up the relationship will show him what he feels he is missing out on.

KampKutz

Yeah you should always have consent and be able to trust someone will stop. Still some of the comments here are acting like it’s perfectly reasonable to have such a mismatched libido and to expect your partner to just never ask you for something that is a perfectly reasonable, and I would say even necessary, part of a healthy relationship and with everything else that she feels about him it’s pretty clear that this relationship is just not meant to be.

G-MicroCentury

If you forgive him it isn’t a boundary.

trilliumsummer

Wow so the first instance you listed was rape. You said no 4 times and he still did it anyways. That's rape.

You 100% can break up with your bf because he's raping you. And you should.

Your bf is a shitty shitty human. Please get away from him.

Fast_Seesaw5520

Woah so I also developed IC almost 3 years ago now and I was extremely depressed at first because yes, sex is a main trigger for flare ups. I’m currently single but have had a couple relationships since the diagnosis and it is really hard when you have to say no to your partner because it makes you feel less than. That being said, you should definitely leave this dude because he doesn’t understand your condition and he also seems to not care how it affects you.

Xylorgos

You did yourself no favors when you said "no" but continued anyway. You've done that so many times now that he never believes you. He seems to see it as you hesitating, whereas you KNOW you don't want it, but you go along with it anyway. WTF?

That's the first issue. He doesn't believe you now, he thinks it's part of a game or something. BUT -- he should still stop when you tell him to stop. PERIOD.

I think it's too late to come back from this. He doesn't do it all the time, but he's done it enough that he KNOWS you're in pain, but he doesn't stop. That part is entirely on him and it makes him a very bad partner.

He "only" does it about once a year, but that's like saying, "He only hits me once a year, so it's not REALLY abusive, is it?" Yeah, it's abusive and you should leave him. He's incorrigible and will continue to do this to you.

Character-Month-7335

He might need to move on

Ok_Slice_7761

He should leave you frankly. Not sure why he puts up with this.

tiredsadhigh

You should break up for his sanity and yours. He should maybe find someone who can complete his sexual desires and you may find someone who is okay not having sex.

Pretty_Goblin11

No always means no and any partner worth having will respect it. That said. Saying no seductively, is confusing. Saying no, naked in the shower and continuing to make out is probably confusing. Like if you don’t want sex and you know you don’t want sex why do you keep getting yourself and him worked up? I think the last time was really weird tho but maybe he was trying to spark your interest or something. You can end the relationship but you really need to work on your ability to communicate and set boundaries or these issues will always pop up.

EndOk2329

No is no!

BryceStawski

He’s a rapist. Break up

areyoufuckingwme

If he is telling you 'just say no' after repeatedly telling him no, I'd say it's time to say no to the relationship.

DatButt0n

Honestly think you should break up with him. What he did was classified as rape. Yes y'all are together but you said no,even when you consented , it was under duress which is still classified as a no.

Now besides all that, the fact that you feel like you have to open up a relationship just to please him is not okay. You feel bad cuz you can't have sex with him but sex is not most important thing in the relationship. And the fact that he can't understand that you are in pain and still puts his needs before your own says a lot about him.

thedevilsfrenemy

It's bad enough for someone to repeatedly cross a boundary that should of been clear in the first place.

It's even worse when that boundary pertains to anything physical and/or sexual; because now you can add assault onto the table.

SA, disrespect, coercion.

Disrespect by repeating the boundary crossing. Coercion by trying to change your mind, guilt you or wear you down by asking for it repeatedly after you show It's not welcome. SA, on the level of being r4pe. (I'm unsure if there any restrictions on this page/app; like the restrictions on words for social media. Just being cautious.)

If you were dealing with just direspect or coercion; especially as an ongoing issue- it would still be a red flag. But with r4pe added to the picture, that flag has gone past red, it's now dipped in black blood.

It's even worse that he continued to be okay with assaulting you after the r4pe the 1st time. A year later, and he's putting you through sexual coercion? It's beyond me how he was even forgiven the 1st time. Because you eventually gave into his sexual coercion; you were also sexually assaulted. It's very concerning that he could manage to say "just say no next time"- that means he's either too mentally handicapped to learn ANYTHING from the first assault; or that properly caring about it isn't on his agenda.

It makes it even more glaringly obvious that he doesn't care about making you feel disrespected to hear that he tried sexual coercion on you RIGHT AFTER you expressed frustration about a low sex drive. He saw an opportunity- your guilt. He has seen how he's been able to push you before and decided to again.

He's bad for your libido, sexuality, sensuality, vulnerability and mental health in general. He's hurting your libido by hurting your mental health. Something also makes me nervous for you about him giving you an STI or STD. It is his job as an individual with a decent amount of humanity to understand just how damaging his standards for treating other people are. He should've had the heart to recognize the wrongness of his doings a long time ago, and you should of seen that man transform. Your body should not ever feel like it's peace is threatened around him. It is not something you can change in him.

He's already proven that he cannot be trusted. So I'll finish this response of mine with a quote- "when you get the message, hang up the phone."

You know what the message is. You cannot hope to change it, or that it'll fade away or one day be replaced with something less shitty. Now you hang up the phone, and you take action. I know you want to break down. Take action now, break down later. Get out of this.

Substantial_Layer_79

No means no. That is rape.

bingobangogudongo

That’s not a boyfriend. That’s a monster. And you should run NOW

catsdelicacy

40s Female

I mean, he's raped you 3 times.

The fact that you were not fighting him does not change that you did not give consent. You were quietly raped, instead, that's why it was horrible.

This man is garbage. I don't care how he is the rest of the time, it's the shit sandwich problem again. If you make me my favorite sandwich exactly how I like it and only put a TINY bit of poo in it, I am going to throw that whole sandwich away.

You need to throw this whole man away.

violue

I think it's perfectly natural to not want to continue a relationship with a man that is casually sexually assaulting you.

FaithlessnessNo2234

He is horrible and repeatedly rapes you. There is no way this man cares about you, you shouldn’t waste your time with him

AdmirSas

He literally raped MULTIPLES TIMES and you are debating whether or not to dump him?? You should have done that years ago. Don't stay in that relationship as a matter of fact, dump him over text and block him everywhere. If you need to have someone you TRUST with you to do that then so be it. You literally have the power to fill a criminal lawsuit against him cause there is ground for it. Please don't stay in this relationship any longer!

Arclet__

You can try having the conversation in a context outside of sex (so not right before or right after) and see if that gets through to him.

But he's not a child, he knows that if he keeps asking you'll eventually say yes and he doesn't mind all that much that you clearly don't enjoy it. It shouldn't be this difficult for your partner to care.

LonelyCheeto

?? She did say it outside of sex. He literally got turned on after she said she didn’t have a sex drive. That’s not on her

EyePoor

Sounds like your boyfriend needs a crash course in respecting boundaries, like, yesterday. You've been clear about what's okay and what's not, but he's still not getting it. Trust your gut on this: if his apologies are starting to sound like a broken record and your anxiety's through the roof, it might be time to say "next time just say bye." Your comfort and well-being come first, always.

the-TARDIS-ran-away

He needs a crash course in consent and not raping people.

SaikoAkuro

I'm so sorry this happened to you, I do agree you should break up with him, he's not respecting your boundaries, plus he's also raping you, a no is no. Don't be afraid to call the police. Also I understand you, I don't have the same condition, but I do have painful orgasms, which I get anti- inflammatory medicine for, and I also take Zoloft, Zoloft helps me think more clearly about what's going on, and I can't give in to pressure. My husband always respects me, when I want to have, when I don't want to have, someone who loves you will wait for you, not pressure you/force you into doing something you don't want. You don't feel safe with him, don't blame yourself for his actions, I understand you are hesitating because of all of the years together, but the love isn't there anymore, there's no respect, and not even caring about your pain. This is even causing you emotional pain. Sex is supposed to be sweet, safe, loving, pleasure, not making you cry. You deserve someone who listens to you and cares about you. You are being abused by him, taking advantage of you. Be strong, and leave him. You can do this. I hope things get better for you.

penfoldspenfold

This guy has raped you 3 times.

Then, after assaulting you, he tries to gaslight you into thinking you didn't say no.

And even worse (not that it needs to be any worse), he most definitely gets turned on by you not wanting sex and being distressed by it.

I am very sorry this is happening to you. You need to please leave this guy immediately and not in person for your own safety. He will never change - these things always escalate.

Also, I recommend some kind of counselling / talking therapy to help you recover and to get a handle on what is normal in a relationship, as the way he has treated you will likely have left you very confused. This isn't normal behaviour on his part, at all.

shession777

It sounds like he's got some sort of fetish for you saying no.

Kubuubud

I also have a chronic pain condition. You wanna know what happens when I tell my partner I’m not up for sex? They say “okay baby! What can I do to help with your symptoms?” And they don’t ask again!!

Respecting your “no” is the bare minimum. Please don’t let this man gaslight you into thinking this is normal or healthy

buquets5

Get the fuck outta that situation and don’t look back. One year of “good behavior” certainly doesn’t justify any SA/coercion. If he tries to rekindle things, stay strong! This isn’t your fault OP

tinka-bx

How many times does this man have to rape you before you stop victim-blaming yourself because you have a chronic illness you can't control and leave his ass? It's like you were on a wheelchair and he wanted you to go run a marathon with him.. men can live without penetrating sex every now and then, actually that's how most people live when women are sick, pregnant or just don't have a very high sex drive due to stress or medication like AD or BC.. what he did to you is unacceptable.. save yourself from him please..

Admirable-Archer-218

Don’t “ open up” your relationship!! It’s just sex, I have a different chronic condition and my husband is kind and understanding. We do other things, and I let him know if I’m struggling too much. But he would never ever want me to suggest that. I’m sorry to hear you have a chronic condition. It is daunting and challenging and discouraging at times. But it does not devalue you, not in any way including sexually. It is so hard as a young adult to navigate right and wrong in relationships. But this, this is wrong.

aries_angel_84

You are so right. I don’t have chronic pain, but if I’m in a position and getting tired my bf will move. The first time it happened I said I’m fine you’re enjoying this and he said if you’re not comfortable it’s not enjoyable.

AntD247

This is not crossing boundaries. This is r***.

Adorable-Nothing-252

agree with all the rape comments here and also wanted to add in the repeated begging is weird!

Quiet-Link4652

Yes by all means set him free! That way you can have your flair ups without negatively affecting anyone else, as this is not going away why saddle him with the responsibility of always catering to your condition?

Separate-Parfait6426

I am so sorry that he has treated you this way. Just because you said "yes", does not mean that you consented, since he basically wore you down. You need to break up with him. I hope that they can find the meds to keep your IC under control

HanaNeves

End the relationship for good. Sex is a need and it will happen again. Let him find happiness with others and so do you.