I (22M) have a date with Jane (24F) but i have a 'thing' for people like Jane and this it makes it weird. How do I navigate this?

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OP, you like her for many reasons: she likes a lot of the same things you like, she laughed at your jokes, you find her attractive. Stop calling it a “fetish” and start seeing her as a whole person who has expressed interest in hanging out with you. And don’t ever mention some sort of “fetish” to her, FFS.

Aww, you kids are adorable.

You didn't approach Jane because of a fetish. You didn't harrass Jane or make inappropriate comments. Your interactions with her and the other ladies at the coffee shop were welcome, because they consider you a friend. She came to your store looking for you, because she wanted to talk to you.

You are judged only by your deeds, not your thoughts or desires. Treat her respectfully, as a friend, and if anything happens beyond that, then it's meant to be.

EDIT: I will tell a slightly related story. I used to have a co-worker who was a huge weeb. Just loved Japanese animation and manga and totally fetishized Japanese women and would say he was going to find a Japanese girl and marry her.

Then he looked in the mirror one day, realized he was kinda pathetic, and he cleaned himself up, started getting decent haircuts and kept his facial hair trimmed, wore dressier and more work-appropriate clothes, and started to engage with Japanese culture in a more healthy way, by going to art shows, plays, and similar events that were more about appreciation of Japanese art and culture, than fandom.

And he met a Japanese girl and they fell in love and she knows he used to be a huge weeaboo but it's OK because he never treated her with anything less than respect.

I have rarely seen a happier married man, and their daughter is a little angel.

EDIT 2: I just thought to look him up on FB and he's still posting photos of his wife and kid, and he's still going to anime conventions and stuff.

Start with your own mind - call it a “preference” or “attraction “, not a “fetish”.

You are not trying to turn Jane into something she is not, you are being your own cute, dorky self, and this sounds like it might turn into a nice friendship/relationship .

A bit of sexual attraction doesn’t hurt. Just don’t go overboard, and it sounds like you’re pretty self-aware.

Just keep in mind that she is a whole person, not a caricature, and enjoy yourself!

Commenting as I can't see a definition in the comments.

A fetish is a sexual term and by definition something that you require (a must have) to get aroused. You can only get aroused if that thing (in this case a person from that particular racial/ethnic group) is present. If the thing is not present then you will never get aroused.

A kink is enjoying and partaking in a sexual acts of a particular type. You may have no kinks or multiple kinks. But the main factor is you can become aroused outside of the kink. The kink just enhances the feeling.

A preference is non sexual, although it can have an attaction based component. In this scenario you have a preference for people who have a particular ethnic appearance and an appreciation for them. So if given the opportunity you are more likely to find these people attractive over other types of people. As people are more than our outside appearance thay doesn't mean you couldn't or won't feel attaction to someone of another ethnicity it just means you prefer that ethnicity, possibly for a number of factors or maybe just superficially.

An example of this would be that I prefer men to be taller than me. I am 5'10, and a larger woman so my preference is that a man is taller than me. However I have developed feeling for men of all sizes becuase humans are varied and for me personally is more important.

If I had a fetish for tall men then I would only ever be attracted/aroused by tall me and possibly have very specific criteria for this.

Do you see the difference?

I suspect your first experience of arousal/attaction being a person from the ethnic type has imprinted on your brain. Then as you have a autistic brain, you brain has taken this literally to mean only women from that group are attractive to you - which is fine, that is your preference.

With regard to social interactions, I would suggest you are open with Jane, tell her you have autism, that you might miss social cues or say something that might not come out right. Compliment her on not just her appearance but herself, her personality, her interests. See her as a person not an object and take it from there.

Do you only like her because of her race? If not then it’s safe to say you don’t have to mention your preference.

Dude, you’re adorable and she thinks so too. I know it’s gonna be hard to do this, but you’ve gotta turn down the over analyzing and apologizing for yourself and just enjoy being with someone who’s into you.

She might realize you’re autistic or she might just think you’re quirky but either way, she’s into you so be kind, be yourself, and enjoy the experience!

Genuine shared connection is not a fetish, my friend.

Go on this date and treat her right, and I bet this goes really great for you both. Report back!

if this whole thing was “i met this beautiful chocolate goddess while getting coffee and fell in love with her sexy ebony curves” etc then yes that would absolutely be problematic but yall seem to have a real connection and you’re trying to be so respectful

I'm a "marginalized" ethnic group. Finding a certain look more attractive than another isn't a ferish. Yet, having a fetish isn't bad until you put it into words. I'd you're only into her because of her ethnicity, then that's wrong. liking her for who she is and also being attracted to her because of her ethnicity is not wrong. You didn't approach her because of it, you recognize her for who she is not just for what she is. You're doing good man, just don't forget there's a person on the other end of the line. You'd not like it if she had a "fetish" for people on the spectrum, but rather found you attractive, liked the idea of being in your presence and having a conversation with you.

There is a difference between a fetish and a preference. You are more attracted to a certain race, and there's nothing wrong with that -- you didn't choose to be that way, and anyone who gives you shit doesn't know what they are talking about.

I have one piece of advice for you, and in all seriousness, you need to follow it like the word of god -- do not bring this up with her. At all. Bury it. There is too much risk of you putting your foot in your mouth. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/3c1GhGo7qB

Hey OP, I say this as a woman of colour who has actually been fetishised in a dating context, what you’re experiencing isn’t a fetish but it’s very sweet how thoughtful you’re being about it. You know how I know? Try answering these questions for yourself and notice the difference:

• You have this date with Jane, if she had another friend from her same racial group that you briefly met, would you happily reject Jane and go on a date with her friend instead?

People who engage in engage in fetishisation often don’t view their object of fetishisation as a real human being with their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experiences and instead only view them as replaceable within their race as that’s the identity (and it’s associated stereotypes) they wish to be associated with.

• I can already tell this is not the case from your post OP but do you truly only like Jane because of her race? Are there things you like about Jane that’s specific to her?

If you see Jane as a real human being, I assure you, you merely have a preference not a fetish. A fetish was when one of my good friends who happens to be an Asian woman had a guy she went on a date with tell her “you’re not very submissive, I don’t like that. If you’re going to date me, you need to be quieter.” Safe to say she ended that date real fast. Essentially, that guy had a set of stereotypes in his head and couldn’t see/ hear or connect with a real woman sitting in front of him because he had unreal expectations and was more interested in possessing a girlfriend of her racial identity rather than truly getting to know her for who she was.

So, don’t worry too much about it. I don’t think it’s something that needs to be brought up and you wouldn’t be lying because you’ve just misattributed a part of what you’re feeling to fetish when in reality it’s a preference and most people tend to have those. I hope you both have a lovely time on your date OP, best of luck to you

When it comes to dating, you're allowed to have preferences - male/female, blond/redhead, someone taller than you/shorter than you. There is NOTHING wrong with that. If you are ONLY dating someone because they fit your preference, that is not right, but if you like the person for themself and they also happen to also fit your preference, then that is just fine. We all have things that we're attracted to, and things that we're not attracted to.

You're attracted to Jane. You like her appearance, you like that she shares your nerdiness, you're able to have good conversations. She approached you for the date. Sounds like a pretty good start to me.

I like the tall dark and handsome type. My boyfriend is tall dark and handsome. My boyfriend likes thin middle-eastern girls. I'm a thin middle-eastern girl. These aren't fetishes. These are just normal preferences that everyone has.

You aren't lying to her or tricking her, you are just naturally attracted to girls that look like her, and out of those girls, she's the one you've formed a connection with based on her personality. That is literally how it's supposed to work.

Telling her you have a fetish for her type would not only be missleading, it would be completely inaccurate. If you feel like it warrants a conversation (heads up, it doesn't!) just tell her that she is totally your type.

What do you feel when you imagine having a son of this girl's race? Do you feel disconnected from him? What about a daughter? 

Do you think you can be normal if her mother or sister is very very beautiful and of that race? Would the race affect your feelings and actions?

If your answers are not favorable I would address these, but you can do that while dating. Fetishizing people is problematic, but we all do problematic things. We can work on them. And part of being in a relationship is working on ourselves.

I wouldn't suggest talking to her about it, but I would suggest researching how to get rid of your fetishizing. Because I would hate to see your relationship with a funny, pretty, cool girl fail because you wired your brain to not see her as totally a person. I don't even know that is what you did, but I see you want to say "fetish" in order to look at things as clearly as possible, so I am using these words too. I don't even know if it's helpful to declare whether you have a fetish or not, but questions like this above will show you whether you have some work to do in order to be a good partner to her.

Just bc you are attracted to a certain race, doesn't mean it's a fetish. It doesn't sound like you are objectifying her or anything like that. You are respectful and care about her feelings.

You're fine! Enjoy your date!

Think about it this way. On a first date with a woman would you say, “just so you know, I’m attracted by people like you because you have a juicy ass/huge tits”. No you would not, because it’s creepy and weird. It’s obvious you find her attractive because you accepted the date, and you didn’t do it purely because of her race. Take the win and don’t bring this up, all it will do it make her uncomfortable. If you end up together you don’t even need to tell her then, she will figure it out. It’s not lying, SHE asked YOU out, she does need to know this. If she ever brings it up herself down the line in conversation though don’t use the word fetish, say preference

She is a human.  You are into humans.

Treat her like a human, instead of as a part of a racial fetish, and you’ll be fine.

This is wholesome and youre projecting some stuff all over her.

Don’t fetishize her and it won’t be a fetish. Everyone has preferences, senpai (just kidding dude)

As a Native American person I guess I just wouldn’t make the relationship ABOUT her race if you don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I don’t really think you need to disclose it as long as it’s like a preference and not like a posters on the wall 4chan poster kinda thing.

My guy this is the weirdest way to say 'a girl I am attracted to asked me out' 😂😂

Get out of your overthinking head and just have fun 👍

My partner always thought Asian women were the best looking women on Earth ever since he was a child. Funnily enough, he had always dated the women of his own race, and even married one.

When we started dating, he assured me he did not have yellow fever. He wanted to date me for me but he found me extremely attractive due to his preference. I assured him back that it was the same in my case. We're happier than ever after almost a year.

Just to make it obvious, I'm a thick dark haired Asian woman and he's a light haired white man. We're each other's type and it's totally normal to have a type you're attracted to more than other, OP. Go on your date, have fun, and treat her with respect.

You're overthinking bud. You aren't interested because of her race, you're interested because of the connection, and banter, and feel good feelings when you guys talk. You aren't into her BECAUSE she's Purple, you're into her and she happens to be purple.

My advice to you is the same advice I give alot of people, stop overthinking it and get out of your own way. If you dwell on this you will fuck it up. Never mention her race as THE thing you like about her, like the shared interests like the banter, like how easy it is to talk to her, like the way she makes you feel. Notice how none of that is because of race? It's not fetishizing her race if your focus is on her as an individual,

So let it go, give yourself a pass and enjoy the opportunity to get to know an interesting, funny, easy to to talk to woman you're attracted to. Banish these thoughts of making it weird, you need to figure out what to wear.

Every person alive has a “type” they are most attracted to. This isn’t your fetish, it’s your type. It’s ok to find certain people more attractive than others because of their skin color, or facial features etc. Just go on a date with her.

If you feel like this preference of yours, is a fetish, and if you genuinely want to have a relationship with Jane—seeking counseling might help you learn how to change your frame of mind so you’re not objectifying her at all in the future or catch and remedy it.

Just say you like Asian girls, we don’t have all day Jack

You are way overthinking this. You met a cute girl. You like each other and now you have a date planned. Quit worrying and just try to enjoy your date.

I’m adding this comment in case you update us after your date, but don’t feel like you have to :) Yes, OP this situation of yours is super cute and not a fetish. Keep being you friend <3 RemindMe! [4 days]

Maybe don't call it a 'fetish' but a 'type' or 'preference'. Sounds less creepy.

OP you don't have a "fetish" for a certain type of person, you have a preference. Much make any other male who has a preference for big boobs, long legs, blonde hair etc.

Your preference is your physical attractiveness to them, but having a physical attractiveness to someone doesn't always =attracted to them.

You have found someone you're attracted to and who you have common interests with. It's why people describe their partners as "super atteactive AND THEN we have the same humor, life goals, the way we manage finanace etc"

They physical attraction is first, The rest is why you continue dating them.

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Everyone has preferences. If you were only going out with her to bang her and didn't like anything else about her, it would be a problem. You sound like you like many things about her. Don't overthink it. Be happy you found someone you like who you are also attracted to.

Many of the guys I've dated have said i'm their "type" and it hasn't bothered me, as long as it's not the ONLY reason they are with me.

How to navigate? Stay single. Best possible advice haha

I think it's great you're aware of the problems of fetishizing someone's race.

However it doesn't seem like that's what you're doing. It sounds like you found someone you vibe with and like as a person. It sounds like you want to go out with her for her, not just because she's a hot insert-race-here.

Go for it man, get the coffee!

Beautiful post! May I suggest that instead of “fetish” you can say I find these kind of women attractive. Or, I am drawn to certain kinds of people. It’s quite normal and I commend you for recognizing that you like that! You got this! Please come back and tell us how your date went! Super excited for you!

We need to stop labeling tastes and fetishes. You are completely entitled to your racial preferences, your personality preferences and your own sexual preferences. Anybody that tells you its “fetishizing” or belittles your interests are merely gatekeeping self-entitled losers who should be called out for their nonsense on the spot.

It sounds like you’re respectful and interested in her so you should absolutely pursue her without guilt. Your opinions and preferences are valid. Ignore (or call out) anyone who says otherwise.

I can say with the utmost certainty that at no point should you tell her you "have a thing for X girls". Where X is whatever kind if girl she is.

You'll have a lot more success with the relationship by just showing her you're into her by being a good partner.

“And don’t ever mention some sort of “fetish” to her,FFS” this is a classic!. I’m 💀

You're fine. This is all fine. Go on the date and have fun. You're overthinking it. I won't go into it because others have said what I would say but better. You have preferences (everyone does pretty much), and you just so happened to be going on a date with someone who fits those preferences. You didn't chase. It's fine! Good luck!

Op, you've already gotten all the advice you need. I just wanted to add that you seem like such a kind and respectful person, and I truly wish you the best in life. Have a great date, just be yourself and you'll do just wonderful :)

Look at it like this. I have a thing for thicker olive skinned women. So naturally I’m attracted to either Latina or Italian women with hips and an ass. It’s what I’m attracted to, so it’s who I tend to strike up conversations with, and if the gods are shining down on me that day, it’s who I date/hook up with. I tend to watch porn with those same kind of women in it. Even then, it’s not a fetish. Just my preference. Just as you have yours. It’s not lying because it needn’t even be said. Obviously you are attracted to her, she’s attracted to you. Just appreciate the fact that a woman you are really into likes you back and have fun.

Everyone downplaying fetishizing someone's race as a "preference" is wild.

If you like her because of her race, that's fetishizing and you should probably not date her. Most people don't want to be fetishized. Would you still agree to the date if she was a different race? If you would, then I think it's ok to go out. If not, then you're prioritizing the race before the human and that's weird

It sounds like you have a lot of self awareness, and you met this person in a genuine way without just seeking them out for their race. It's okay to have preferences of what you find attractive, you don't necessarily need to bring it up to her in this situation.

Deep breaths homie. Deep breaths, relax.

Even if you have an attraction to a specific race as long as you like her as a person there is nothing to feel bad about. Many people have a slight preference to some sort of external feature, as long as we date people we see as a whole and not just because they are are Scandinavian or Asian, or anything else we are beyond our shallow preferences.

Most people have a type of person they’re attracted to so it’s not necessarily a fetish, it’s just preference. Plus you obviously like this woman apart from her looks, so don’t be so hard on yourself, just enjoy your date and see how things go!

Having a type is totally okay. It's not even a "fetish". Dating or sleeping with another person only because of their race/certain looks without seeing them as a human being is sus. I remember talking with a guy who was dreaming about sleeping with Asian women from all Asian countries. Or a post from a guy who shared flags of different countries as an answer about his "love life" in a particular year. In my personal experience, I had a bf who was surprised after I broke up with him cuz I was "cute Asian girl uWu". It was obvious from a dialogue that he never saw me as a person nor have any idea what is my personality at all. I also went to a date with a guy who dated Japanese & Russian gfs before. He made fun of accent of his ex (my native language is Russian, too) and it was super obvious that he has a fetish for a foreign women. Gosh, he wasn't even respectful toward the cat in his own apartment and saw it as a toy. Not seeing another person as human being, making fun/being racist against them while fetishizing the same qualities, and all these things are disrespectful. You aren't doing any of that. You seem like a nice person who met a girl who he truly likes both for her personality and looks. It's not a bad thing at all.

Just because you’re attracted to a certain look, I assume you wouldn’t stay with them if your personalities didn’t mesh well. It’s pretty normal to have a type of person you’re initially attracted to (eg blondes, long or short hair etc) and that’s what draws you in. But if you stay because of who they are then that’s ok :)

It probably feels like lying because you are autistic. Atypical people think of this as a preference / just what they are physically attracted to. Go out with her! Don't be the one to bring up her race, if she does you can say you were a little anxious because of XYZ (don't say fetish) but it probably won't come up.

My dude played the long game without knowing! Well done! You sound respectful and we're keeping it light, just keep doing your thing you'll be all right mate.

Also you have a preference not a fetish mate. BDSM is a fetish. Liking different skin colours or blue eyes is a preference.

Man take a deep breath, she came up to YOU just roll with it and by no way do you need to bring up your type to her. Your type IS her that’s that

Yea you’re misusing the word fetish here. You may have a preference for certain races but that’s not the same as a fetish. You seem like a respectable young man and I hope you and Jane work out.

You’re cute as hell. The fact that you are worried about how you came across shows you’re a good person. Now go get some Jane!

Honestly, it sounds all good. As long as your interest in her is not solely because of her belonging to this group, but is based on who she is as an individual, I think you're all good. It sounds like you've developed some rapport with her through your banter, and it sounds like she's interested in you. Enjoy your date, get to know her interests, find out what she values in life, partners and friends. You also sounds like you've been super mindful of not being inappropriate, whcih honestly, is so refreshing.

Personally I think you are unnecessarily making your appreciation and attraction of a certain look into something dirty and sinister by calling it a fetish when it’s not. You find Jane to be beautiful, smart, funny and a good person, that is why you like her not her race.

Bro, keep that fetish stuff to yourself.

Lmao I've seen this post before somewhere

Don't frame it as a 'race fetish'. Just because you happen to find a girl of a certain race beautiful doesn't mean you find every girl from her race beautiful. Why even focus on race? People of the same race can be very different. For example I'm Arab with dark skin and brown eyes/hair whilst my friend who is also Arab has blonde hair, fair skin and green eyes. We look nothing the same but we're from the same country and I guess "race"? It's better to change your mindset and just see her as an individual person.

If she ever asks you what attracts you to her, you can mention certain physical features that you like, but don't make it 'I am sexually aroused by this race because of my fetish' that's weird and creepy. Just tell her you find her sexy. You don't have to base it on a label. You can mention various features about her you like. You don't have to lie nor do you have to make her feel racially categorized.

Just wanted to add to the chorus of people saying discretion does not equal lying. You seem very thoughtful and aware of yourself, and like you treat people carefully, which is great. Cut yourself some slack!

(Also, just want to say that being attracted to a specific race and wanting to engage in race play as a kink are very different things…you’re clearly not out to use her as a kink dispenser, so again, but yourself some slack)

everyone has preferences, you just happen to be attracted to people of a certain race. That's something you can't control. You can't magically make yourself unattracted to certain people. You should rest easy knowing that you actually like her as a person, enjoy talking to her, and talk to her more than anyone else. So this tells me it's not just the race, but her that is attracting you. The race just created the initial attraction.

Don't feel bad. You very much DO NOT sound like someone who would fetishize someone, as you have a lot of awareness of how that can objectify a person. (and seem to care about people's feelings a lot)

It’s only a fetish if you dehumanize someone and reduced them to that characteristic. If you find certain features/traits attractive and you meet someone with similar interests who has those traits then go for it

honestly dude, that just sounds like just a normal preference. you dont seem to be a creep about it, thats all that really matters.

So you have a type of woman you're attracted to, and Jane is that type. You think she's pretty, smart, funny, and you have common interests. She's obviously attracted to you.

How do you navigate this date, be a gentleman, talk to her, and have fun. Simple problems always have simple answers.

You like her for a ton of reasons, that are about her specifically

If you ever tell her (it isn’t a lie not telling her unless she directly asks if you have a thing for people or a certain ethnicity, which probably won’t come up anyway), tell her first just like here, all the reasons you like her as a person. Best of luck, you haven’t done anything awkward so far either. You can go back to the shop. You totally should.

Also, you're allowed to have preferences. But dating someone for no other reason than physical attraction is generally a bad idea anyway-it's not a sustainable relationship, & it doesn't have the deeper meaning a lot of people are looking for. It sounds like you like each other for who you are though, & if she also happens to be your perfect 10, that's fantastic. Just have fun being together, & don't over-analyze your attraction to someone to the point where you miss out on what could be a meaningful connection. & if she ever asks why you like her, tell her the truth, the same truth I told my wife when she asked: "Because you're you."

A side note for any other autists (or AuDHDers) out there that see this.

In University I had a huge crush on this one woman. I rowed with one of her close friends. One night when we were going out the friend asked me if I had a crush on M. I said no.

In hindsight it was that friend trying to gauge my interest, so as to give M an opening. Not to tease or berate me in any way.

My boyfriend likes girls with big butts, lucky for him and me I have a big butt, win win for everyone.

Am I the only one that REALLY wants to know what race Jane is?

You don't have to be like "Hi Jane, I'm attracted to you because I have a thing for XYZ."

I have a thing for Brunettes. I prefer to date brunettes. I have dated blonde women though, this isn't inherently wrong. Just be normal and never mention it to her.

Good for you. Now immediately stop the weird way you’re talking about her if you want this to last.

Do not mention it.

I don't think she is thinking anything about races or appearances as you made a nice comment about how she can cosplay whatever she wants no matter what she looks like. She also asked you for coffee so it seems she likes you as well :) you both sound like you have similar hobbies or interests. Get to know her more and she may surprise you with how understanding she can be!

It would be different if you only liked Jane because she was (for example) Korean. Plus, if you were only interested in her for sexual reasons. You being attracted to Jane for multiple reasons and the additional fact that she is a person of color isn’t weird.

EDIT: no, don’t tell her that about this. If a guy told me that he was really interested in me because I was Black, that would weird me out